Monday, March 31, 2008

Update on the marriage thing. And it's long.

First off, Bree, your comment made me get the biggest smile I've had in all day. You are hilarious and awesome. Thanks :)

This is a lot of dirty laundry I probably shouldn't air. I only ask that you do NOT judge prematurely and you read everything I say before making up your mind either way. I'm not embarrassed over what I'm about to discuss. It's something I wouldn't discuss with our friends, as I do believe it is a private matter, but this blog is different. His friends do not read it and only one of my "real life" friends reads it. And I trust my friend to keep this to herself. I trust her with all my heart.

This picks up where I left it ...

As he was leaving to take kids to school, I opened the garage door (he was in driveway) and asked him why he didn't say goodbye to me. He acted totally annoyed. I then said "Did something happen in Dallas?" and he was all "WHY?" and I said that he wasn't paying any attention to me. He countered with "I spent all day with you yesterday!" and he got in the car and left.

Um, okay. So when he got home I told him how he did spend an hour with me, but then the rest of the time was spent sleeping. He was noticeably irritated now and he said "I WAS TIRED!". I explained that it was okay to rest when tired, but to not try to tell me he spent the day with me when he didn't. And that's why I was upset. He asked "What do you want me to do?" and I said "Be my husband."

Whoa. That set him off.

A little background ... Over the past year with all the pain I've gone through (back injury) and all the TTC surgeries and knee & foot surgery, he's been the best husband and father ever. There were many times he did 100% of everything - taking care of me and taking care of the kids. I may not tell him enough, but I have said, many times, how I appreciate how wonderful he is. I said his actions yesterday/today were not normal and I mean that. I wouldn't trade him for any other man.

Even more background, back before we were married, we got into some really bad fights. There were only a handful of them in the years we've been together (10 years), but the ones we did have, were bad. See, I'm someone who wants to talk talk talk about something, no matter how fresh it is and to dissect it and get it taken care of. He's someone who doesn't. He has a very bad anger control problem (not physical. It's ~never~ been physical.) and just can't deal with any negativity directed towards him. I think it's all part of being an only child - a very spoiled only child. He's never had to deal with not getting his way. Or even being told his way wasn't the best thing since sliced bread.

He is VERY defensive. VERY. In the beginning, I couldn't tell him I want the towels folded a different way without upsetting him. He always would explain (later) that it was the way I say things - that I'm very accusing, but believe me, I've tried 1,000 different ways to bring up topics. So, his immediate reaction would be to retaliate. He used to say really mean things to me (let me remind you - this was very RARE. Seriously - only happened maybe 5 times in 10 years) and he'd curse. Me, on the other hand, would always be calm. I would just allow him to spew it all out to me until he gave me a chance to talk again. I have NEVER cursed at him. I have NEVER called him a name.

I'm lying. One time, as he was leaving, I said aloud, loud enough so he could hear me, "Why are you being such an ass?" and he FLIPPED out. He came back and screamed at me so loudly my ears hurt. He got so close to my face I would feel his breath. His eyes would shake in anger. He called me every name in the book. This is my husband at his very worst. This level of anger has only showed itself maybe 3 times of the 5 and hasn't happened in over 8 years. The screaming itself was always very short lived, but it's scary - as you can imagine. I had learned to just allow him to get it out and he'd storm away - maybe leaving, maybe going into the backyard, maybe sitting in another room.

I know this sounds very bad. And it may even sound like I was a victim who should have left him. And if this happened more than it did, maybe I would have left him. But five 20 second spews of anger from him wasn't the end for me. The biggest deciding factor of me not leaving was he learned to control himself. It hasn't happened for years. I can't see him still get angry with me at times, but I see the difference. He really has tried to control himself. Plus, I have learned how to not push him to this level. Back when he'd get like that, I would push push push, continue to get him to talk to me until he got like this. Now, I have learned that things I say still can piss him off just as much, but instead of trying to get him to talk, I tell him the gist of what needs talking about, I give him time, and then he comes around where he can talk about whatever the topic is.

My husband is awesome in this aspect. There has ~never~ been a disagreement where he doesn't come around to talk about it with being able to leave the anger behind. He doesn't always come back to agree with my issue, and that's okay - who would want to be agreed with on everything? But he always, and I mean ~always~, will delve into the issue as far as we need to. He doesn't just ignore it. It gets settled. And if he's wrong, he'll admit it. If there is something he needs to change, he'll work on it.

Back to today. When I told him to "be my husband", I simply meant that I just wanted him to hang out with me and talk about things a husband and wife would talk about. Just to sit around and be with one another. Instead, I think he took it as I was accusing him of ~not~ acting like my husband.

I was sitting up in our bed and we was in the hallway. We walked down a few steps to where I couldn't see him and those words I haven't heard for 8 years, I heard burning into my ears. He started cursing at me, yelling "FUCK YOU!!!" about a dozen times. He called me a "bitch" somewhere in there too. He kept saying "I can't believe you just said that to me!... I've been taking care of you for the past year!... Fuck you!!!".

This is not okay with me. I am his wife. I am the mother of his children. I deserve respect. So this is not going to be okay. Dealing with a handful of outbursts like this when we were dating was one thing and it was eventually forgiven, but not now. I am not just "some girlfriend" now. And even when I was - it wasn't okay then. After all was said and done, I told him it was not acceptable and he agreed. I would never of married him if this was something that happened all the time. We were together for over 3 years before we were married and we got through all his anger issues in the first 1-2 years. I'm not a doormat. I'm not someone who will allow this to happen to.

He stormed out into the garage and sat there. I gathered myself and opened the garage door to find him almost in tears. I said "All I meant was that I wanted you to just hang out with me like a husband and wife would do on a day off, nothing more. I know you've taken care of me more than I could count and I appreciate it. I have told you I appreciate it and maybe I need to say it more, but you know in your heart I think you have been a wonderful husband." And he said "I can't talk about this now" which I understood - as that's how we've learned to deal with big issues. It's not being dropped, it's just being dropped for the present.

He then did what he usually does when upset - he deep cleaned the house. Everything is spotless and now he's just relaxing. He's also talking to me when he needs to "do you want me to get you lunch" and things like that. He's acting like nothing happened. And so am I. But we will talk about it. Things will be discussed.

Small issues and disagreements between us happen occasionally, issues big enough to warrent giving him some time to talk about and for me to have to wait to discuss, so this is nothing new. But the gravity of this one is immensely different. He crossed a line. He cursed at me in such a vile manner, something I cannot just forgive. We'll come to a conclusion about what's bothering him. And how I can show more appreciation to what a great husband and father he can be. But I honestly don't know what I am going to do about the things he said to me. The whole "I'm sorry! I'll never do it again." isn't something that flies with me. It didn't even work on me when he did it 10 years ago. I don't play the victim. I don't allow things like this to happen with a "sorry". The reason it was forgiven in the past was I saw how he changed. I saw how years went by without it happening again. But I'm his wife now. I'm the mother of his children. I don't know how my heart is going to be able to handle this. I don't know if I can.

It must be ~really~ bad.

I just watched a mary kate and ashley movie.

That's it. I've hit bottom. ~wink~

Really down.

Now that it's pretty much all over (Lost another 2 pounds fluid and my stomach is shrinking), I'm just left here with nothing to do for the ~now~.

(children mentioned)
My husband is acting strange. He came home from being out of town and did sit down with me for about an hour. Then by 2pm he was in the back bedroom and feel asleep. I needed him to do things for the kids for me because, oh, I don't know, I'm in severe pain. But he just kept sleeping. I finally woke him up and asked him if he was going to do something for the kids for dinner. It was getting late! He said he would and then fell back asleep. I got up and tried to shuffle around, then he came in and acted like he was saving the day to finish up for me. He made the kids sandwiches. For dinner. I'm sorry, but I cook a little better for the kids.

Then what did he do? He went back to lay down in the back room. I woke him up, AGAIN, and asked him if he would please take care of the kids. Snore. So I get up and start taking care of them. Through the pain. I get Allie's PJ's on, teeth brushed, potty, say goodnight to sister and me and then he walks in and says "I'll do this". You'll do what? Turn out the light? Thanks a bunch.

I feel like I did this all for nothing. I have a husband who is acting so bizarre (he's not like this!) and treating me like crap. I have embryos frozen waiting on me. I'm just left with nothing to do right now. I hate this. I feel ~so~ low. I'm still in pain, but it is getting better, but still there. I feel alone in all of this. I'm watching all my cycle buddies go through there ET and getting BFPs. Wow. How is my heart supposed to stay together? Does anyone know of any heart bandaids?

Sunday, March 30, 2008

The Mod Squad

In case any of you youngsters (~wink~) don't know who The Mod Squad are, I wanted to explain. It was an old tv show (1968-1973) and later, in 1999, redone as a movie starring Claire Danes, Omar Epps and Giovanni Ribisi. What's cool is they are all part of my very favorite actors.

The premise of the show: "Three minor delinquents fight crime as undercover agents for the police."

The tag line: "They did the crime, They paid the time, Now they're undercover"

Awesome, eh? Plus, I think pretty darned appropriate given who me and hubby are.

We will name the individual embryos (if we get any) once we get to transfer (again, if we get there). Since we are now leaning towards three embryos (if we get that many), we haven't decided on which set of names to use. The names of the actors from the movie: Claire, Omar and Giovanni? The names of the characters: Julie, Lincoln and Peter? The names of the actors from the tv show: Peggy, Clarence and Michael ? The names of the characters from the tv show: Julie, Linc and Pete? This is where you come in! Answer my poll on the right side and help us name out embryos!

I'm so nervous about the impending thaw and growth. At least most people who have frozen totsicles already know that they've grown well enough to make it to freeze. We don't. We're going to thaw them all, some probably won't even survive that and then we have to worry about the numbers game again. I know I'll just have to cross that bridge when we get there, but I can't help but think about it.

This pain I have

is ~not~ the kind that I experienced with all my laparoscopies. The laproscopic pain was due to trapped gas and it would "float" UP depending on what position I was in. For instance, standing up would make my shoulders hurt. Laying on my back would make the air "float" to the top of my belly.

This pain is different. I can tell this is fluid because when I am sitting up, it gathers at the bottom of my abdominal cavity. When I was trying to lay down, it would sit on the bottom, whatever was against the bed - and that was the worst. It would lay in a pool along my side and the pain by my lung/shoulder would be the worst. Which makes sense since there is just no room for fluid to hang out up above. Every breath would make me cry out in pain since the expanding lung would force the fluid to be compressed.

So, this is why I have been in a sitting up position for 2 days now, there is room for the fluid in the abdominal cavity where there isn't room when I lay down and it moves up top. These pictures show how bloated my stomach is. My stomach isn't supermodel flat, but it certainly doesn't stick out this much. I seriously look like I did when I was 12 weeks pregnant with Allison. (Or 16 weeks with Ella).

I've been drinking ~tons~ of gatorade. Tons. And low carbs (per nurse) and extra protein. It's seeming to help. I gained about 8 lbs of fluid since surgery, and as of this morning, I'm down 4 lbs. Still quite bloated, but not as bad. Now I think it's just my giant ovaries which need to shrink, which will take some time.

When the nurse called with my fert report, I asked her what the next step was. She told me I was to definitely call with cd1, which due to no progesterone/estrogen, should happen in about a week. Then she said something that made me happy... "If we are going to try to get you ready for the April cycle, we'll be doing all we can to calm down everything." Whew. That means they are going to ~try~ to get me ready asap. If I'm not ready, I understand, for I want to have perfect conditions. But if anyone would really think about my situation, I want to do this as soon as my body cooperates. I'm not going to wait "just in case", like one of the last commenters said. If my body is physically ready and my lining is good, we're going for it. I won't push it if I'm not ready, but I simply do ~not~ have "a couple more months" in me just to wait around. As you all know, we're closing up shop in 5 months. If I wait, then I'm giving up the chance to even try another round of IVF.

I feel lots better today. Hopefully I'm well on my way to recovery. My left ovary still is pretty painful, but I am hoping that's all because it's starting to shrink now.

Thanks to everyone for their support! I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.

To The Mod Squad - I'm thinking of each and every one of you! I'm so happy there are 9 of you. As you will learn, mommy and daddy are both huge baseball fans (go redsox!) and there are 9 players on a team. The number 9 is daddy's lucky number. The number 9 is daddy's birthday. Having 9 of you makes me feel secure that 9 embryos is all we will need. Go nine!

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Introducing ... The Mod Squad.

Out of the 15 eggs, only 9 were mature.

Out of the 9, all 9 fertilized through ICSI. 100% fertilization rate.

Funny, I kept saying 9 and that's how many little embies I have. It's amazing the love I suddenly feel over my little embies that are being frozen as I type this.

I'm still in a lot of pain, but I've learned to control it. I have ~lots~ of free fluid in my abdomen, so when I lay down, it goes with gravity. Having that fluid up by my lungs/shoulders is outrageously painful, as there is no place for it to go. So, I've found sitting straight up keeps it all in my abdomen where there is room for it to sit. I'm drinking TONS of gatorade (thanks for the suggestion!) and hopefully it'll get absorbed quickly. It's so painful, I literally cry out when I tried to lay down. Overwhelmingly painful. I don't think this is normal, as I've never heard anyone else talk about it, but my nurse doesn't seem concerned. We'll see.

Welcome to the world Mod Squad.

Friday, March 28, 2008

Back from my egg retrieval.

Quick update because I'm in crazy amounts of pain. I just had to get up to pee, so I thought I'd stop at the computer to let anyone who may be waiting for my update, what was going on.

I won't save it to the end ... 15 eggs!!! That was the final count about 1 hour after the procedure, where they were able to count them all. I don't know if these are the mature count (I think it is, as I had more than 15 follicles total, including immature) but I will update tomorrow.

I'm in a lot of pain. My left ovary is the size of a grapefruit and it's causing me to be doubled over. Pain meds have not controlled the pain yet. I'm awaiting another hour so I can take a second dose (although I cheated and took a half dose an hour ago under Laurel's suggestion).

I didn't get to see my husband at all. He dropped me off at the door to take the kids to daycare and I didn't think I'd be going back so quickly. By the time he got back, I was in the sterile surgery room, so I couldn't see him. My wonderful and beautiful friend Laurel, came to meet Tom so he could leave for the airport. He was able to stay until he knew I was done and he got the first count of 11. I'm excited for him to land in Dallas so I can tell him the good news of 4 more! I was wheeled out only 4 minutes after he left, so my heart broke a little there. Laurel was with me though and I did think of all of you too. I took Mel's suggestion and when I was being put out, I imagined you all in the room holding my hand. Thank you for being there.

Laurel was great. She stayed with me for hours until my mother in law could make it here. She just sat quietly, doing god knows what, because she didn't even want to disturb me with the tv. How nice is she? And Jen, thanks for the offer. How nice are you to offer to come down to the Springs just for me? That really touched my heart.

Back to bed I go. Pain pain pain.

To my little eggs - take care and I hope each one of you is able to be fertilized. I will find out tomorrow and if any of you are left to hop into the freezer, I'll tell you the name I have for you. Don't worry about the cold, as we live in colorado and are very active in snow sports, so think of this as getting a leg up on being used to the cold! You have just been fertilized and I already love you all. Be good and momma will get an update on your progress tomorrow. ~butterfly kisses~

Thursday, March 27, 2008

my heart has stopped.

I am now numb.

ER tomorrow and I no longer care.

My husband won't even be there when I wake up. He has to leave for Dallas in the middle of my egg retrieval. He'll be there for me to go in, but I won't see him again for days.

He's leaving. My "maybe" embryos are leaving. Leaving me empty.

Oh no.

FET next month isn't something that's a for sure. I shouldn't say a FET, because it would still be determined on my lining, but even the CHANCE is not a for sure.

Many things depend on me being ready next month. It's not all just if I get AF on time. Things like my ovaries have to shrink back down to size. My Estrogen levels have to be back down. My lining has to shed (the AF part). Lots of things out of my control depend on me getting a chance or not.

IF I don't have all those things happen by the timing for the April 23rd-May 8th cycle, I'll have to wait until June 2nd. June 2nd. That is almost 10 weeks away. (and if anyone tells me 10 weeks isn't a long time, I will hunt you down and punch you in the face.)

My heart just turned inside out. My nurse just told me it's only a 40% chance I'll get to do my FET next month.

I can't take this. I just can't.

Looking for the positives.

I had my day of heartbreak. I had my day of being a little pissed off and getting all my questions of "why" and "what if" answered.

Today is my day of asking the questions about what's going to happen. Today is the day to look towards the future and to keep my eye on the prize. Today is the day to stop feeling sorry for myself and to focus on all I have actually accomplished.

A few questions I've had answered:

Q: Why do you freeze the embryos so soon? I have "heard" it's better to freeze when they have grown for 3-5 days.
A: We have found that the absolute best time for freezing is immediately upon fertilization, before they have started to divide. If they do start to divide, it's better to allow them to go through a few days, but if we get to pick the freezing time, we do it immediately.

Q: What about the thaw survival rate?
A: There is a higher percentage of embryos surviving thaw at this freezing point than the thaw rate of day 5 embryos.

Q: Let's say I have 10 embryos that were fertilized. How many would you thaw to get the two I am wanting to transfer?
A: We would want to thaw them all. ~gulp~

Q: So if most of them survived thaw and most of them grew, we would be "wasting" the extras?
A: Nope. Since they were previously frozen before they divided, they can be frozen again with the same freeze/thaw rates. ~yipee!~

Q: When will I find out how many fertilized since you will be freezing asap?
A: We will call you Saturday morning.

So, I'm feeling better about what's going to be happening. I'm still utterly disappointed I'm not going to transfer next week as we thought. And I have suddenly found it SO HARD to watch all my cycle buddies go to transfer themselves and get to be in their 2ww. And while I'm rooting for each one to be successful, each bfp that I know is coming is going to be a bullet through my own heart (not because they are pregnant, but because I had my chance taken away from me.) So I'm in a weird place.

Have I mentioned how much IF sucks?

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Transfer officially ~cancelled~

This is such my luck, why didn't I have it on my radar as a possibility? Why wasn't I ready for this? It hit me so hard because it was simply such a shock.

This morning, the extra day of growth didn't do crap - the thinnest layer of lining was only pushing 6mm, so my transfer has been officially cancelled. There is the thicker part of my lining around 9-10mm, but apparently, it all has to be thick - the one area is the one that matters. Suck.

Regarding my soon to be (hopefully) embryos, they will go to freeze immediately upon fertilization. Apparently the cells are more stable at this point, so freezing them before they grow ends up in a higher percentage of embryos to transfer. That's a good thing, but now I'll be in the dark about how many make it. I already have a name for the group of fertilized embryos, if they make it that far and I'll give that name out once we have them in the freezer.

As for schedule of my FET, it should be April 23rd -May 8th. Our head embryologist travels between offices, so he's only there during pre-scheduled times. This is why our clinic groups everything together. Barring any issues with ER (ohss or anything under the sun), I should be able to go directly into my FET. I just have to get my AF by the 18th to fit into the schedule. That is 3 weeks after ER, so should be okay. If I get AF before the 9th, I just need to go on bcp for a few ~days~. Not a problem. Bottom line, FET should be in about 4 weeks from now. I can handle that.

ER is Friday morning. Yipee. I haven't the heart to be excited.

I'm waiting on the call from my blood work. The nurse said she had a conference call from the out of town doc (the one who measured the thicker part) and the one from today - and they will specifically go over the aspect of my lining being different thicknesses. I'm okay with the decision to move to FET, as I really do want the best landing pad for my embryos, but for peace of mind, I need to know that each RE was in agreement.

So that's that.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

comment that just made me want to throw up.

In response to me telling my story of having my transfer cancelled, I got this response: "I have a question, when are you going to stop doing this to yourself?" (from a ~pregnant~ woman no less. Wait. No. A pregnant woman who barely even knows me.)

That's some kind of support, isn't it? Sure, it's a question that I need an answer for, but when I just told some people what was going on, I expected an "I'm sorry" or some kind of support. Not that question. Not now. Maybe when I'm in a better place, but not now. And ~definitely~ not as their immediate response.

IVF Cancelled

How "Lucky" am I now?

Lining was shit. All will go to freeze.

I don't give a shit about "there is always next month".


Monday, March 24, 2008

No bueno. sd9.

Stim day 9, meaning I've completed 8 days of stims.

Follie count is something like 9 now. Well, there are 9 big follies - 17-18mm. A "handful" of others at 14mm and then some smaller ones.

Ack. I was really hoping on 10. Ten was the magic number for me to be at ease.

My lining was also lame at 7.7mm, down from yesterday? I'm sure it was just measured differently yesterday due to the lower resolution, so today's was probably more accurate.

My lining was crappy enough that he refused to do the trial transfer today and rescheduled for tomorrow. He doesn't want to 'scratch' the lining I have now - giving it another day to grow. So I held my urine for 2 hours for nothing. Poop.

And ... After 2 sticks of the hand to get blood today, it wasn't enough blood. So they took me again after my u/s and stuck me twice more. Awesome.

I have a headache. And my house smells like fish.

Any fish cookers out there? How do you get the effing fish smell out of your house after you cook it? I had some cod, which was from frozen, so it wasn't super fresh (I live in colorado, not much fresh fish to get here) and although it tasted ~good~ (I made fish and chips), it has smelled my house up. I used incense and now my house smells like fish incense.

update: E2 was 1554 and Progesterone was 1.3

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Follie report after 7 days of stims.

Out of the 19 yesterday "over 10", we have 11 that are growing like mad (13-17) and all others are still over 10. He was giving out the sizes too quickly, there would be no way to remember. And since it's Easter, I didn't ask the nurse to right them all down for me. I'll get them tomorrow.

Ouch. I'm uncomfortable.

Lining: 7.8

Tomorrow morning is trial transfer, so I get to do everything I'll be doing on transfer day, minus the valium. Not looking forwards to the full bladder (thanks for making me obsess on it katie!).

Saturday, March 22, 2008

I'm still irritated.

I just put up a general rant about random things I've been reading this weekend, but I've since deleted it. After I put it up, I started to click around and see that there's been some trouble with horribly rude anonymous comments.

My post didn't have anything to do with any drama, as I don't post rude anonymous comments. But posting what I did could have been looked at wrong, in light of the actual comments made simply to hurt someone else.

I wouldn't want my total random rant compared at all with the soulless comments left by a select few of "anons" to some in our community. I was simply making light of how my hormones are all whacked out, instead, given what's been happening, it seemed to take on a different light. A light that I'm definitely not meaning to shine.

A simple "boooo!" on anyone who would write an anonymous comment with "meanness" as the only motivation.

Follie report after 6 days of stims. (updated w/ E2)

Today was a strange one.

First, my follie report:
~ lining: 6.4 w/ trilaminar pattern
~ righty: still 8 follies, all over 10mm (he didn't measure each one today)
~ lefty: now has 12, all over 10mm. Woohoo Lefty! Always my overachiever.
~E2: 564 (229 2 days ago, so rule of thumb of doubling E2 levels every 48 hours is good.)
~ Progesterone: .38 which is nice and low and good.

I learned something new (again) about follicular development. I had known the ovaries are never mirrors of each other, but did you know they have each have a different blood source? Righty is given blood from the aorta and Lefty gets it from renal blood. My RE's opinion is that lefty quite frequently makes more/stronger follicles due to the renal blood source is stronger, due to the kidneys processing all the blood. He also talked about that is why acupuncture "works" as it's all about increasing blood flow. He confirmed I was going to acupuncture because he said "it shows". For my age and stimulation day, he's very happy with my response. Yay.

Second, the weirdness.

Well, it's not really weird to me, since I'm already used to it. See, my RE makes inappropriate jokes. The first time I heard him say something (which I can't remember what he said now), I was shocked that he said it, but I was not offended. I'm rarely offended in social situations - I don't embarrass easily. Plus, I don't think there should be general rules in regards to inappropriate comments - when it's said as something funny, it just shouldn't be taken so seriously. The american world of no-tolerance is a bit much for me. I think there is a time and place and sometimes a joke is just what it is. A joke.

Anywho, I come in the waiting room and my RE is out making some coffee for himself. Another patient is talking to him about working out. She asked him what he likes to do and he said "calisthenics and weight lifting".

Me, being the smart ass I am, butted into their conversation and said "You are old school! Don't you know you can do strip tease cardio now?"

Without missing a beat, he said "But that's how I lost my license and now that I got it back, I don't want to risk it!".

The other patient said: "You just have to do it in private."

And he says: "Hey, I get to see you girls naked all the time, it's only fair you get to see me naked!".

Now, I know he was joking and I started laughing. The other patient, however, must have not ever run into one of his comments before. She made little reaction except for turning bright red.

Heh. It was funny if you ask me. What was the funniest was he made a joke that is totally off limits to all OBGYNs and REs: Never make notice over the fact they are looking at you naked. But these little rules never have stopped my RE from making the obvious joke. Good for him.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Wow. I am starting to feel it.

I started feeling a little twindgy yesterday and as of this morning, I am starting to feel "full" down there. And it's only the beginning! I can't imagine how uncomfortable I'm going to feel by next week, before egg retrieval. On my simply femara cycles with 2-3 follicles, I feel so uncomfortable - oh my - how am I going to feel with 5 times as many follicles? ack.

On another note - I was really happy to read the comments from my "How IFers feel about their children" post. I was quite impressed how the non-IFers felt, especially Poltzie. She noticed how just about every IFer agreed with me while every non-IFer didn't agree. It just goes to show how it's impossible to know what you will feel until you are there.

It's impossible for a non-IFer to understand how it feels once you are truly deemed "infertile". And hopefully the non-IFers won't ever have to feel it. There is just this feeling of desperation feeling I didn't get until way after a year. The year marked sucked, but it wasn't until I failed those first handful of treatments that I felt the real desperation. And that's when thing changed for me - it was no longer a "when", but a question of "if". That first 16~ish months of ttc had me just in a holding pattern, waiting for it to happen, because I truly believed it would just be a matter of time. After than, I knew it wasn't guaranteed - things may not happen. That is why the BFP after that mark for ~me~ was more of relief than the utter joy of it. I honestly don't think I would have felt that in the first year or so.

Even with me having a C1 bfp, like Rachel commented on herself, it was ~after~ already going through 18 cycles of trying. So, for me at least, it wasn't expected at all. When we started ttc#2, I dug my heels in for another long journey where nothing was promised at the end. When I got that C1 bfp, I felt that relief again, but this time it was coupled with shock. The relief feeling wasn't as strong this time, as I didn't have time to really wonder if it would happen or not. But since I knew what could happen, it wasn't anything like how a C1 while ttc#1 would of felt like. Of course, that never happened to me, so obviously I would have no idea.

All I can draw from is how I felt with C1 while ttc#1 and how my feelings of hope and want ~changed~. Of course I ~wanted~ my children the first cycle I tried to conceive, but it DID change after those first 16 months. The want turned into desperation, both for my own needs and for the want of a child. It's something I personally went through, something that I can tell you happened to me. The change of my wants. The change of my desire. The change of my feelings. And because it's something that's impossible to know and understand unless you have gone through it yourself, I'm not surprised there was disagreement. And that's okay. To get to that understanding is a big bag of monkey shit, so I'd rather people not understand my feelings.

I do want to add that I still won't ever understand the feelings of a long time ttc-er, especially those ttc#1. I know how lucky I was to conceive on C#18. And even though I'm on C#18 ~again~, I already have children. So my world is much different, even if my journey ends without a BFP this time around. I ~know~ how lucky I am. I would never go around saying I had a tragic journey or that I even had a hard time with infertility. My infertility was MINOR to true infertility. 18 cycles, 1 cycle and not 18 cycles again. Bah. Sure, 34 cycles of BFNs suck, but I've had 2 BFPs too. That gives me a 5.8% bfp rate, which is outrageous when compared to a rate of 0%. And even me would give anything to be in the "under 12 months" fertile group; I just can't imagine ttc for #1 past that 2 year mark. Past treatments. Past IVF failures. Those ladies are the true IFers, and while I wish they weren't in that group at all, I salute them.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

For Laurel and Pete.

Their dear baby should have been born yesterday. March 19th was a very important date in their lives and unfortunately, the pregnancy wasn't able to continue.

This candle is for the child that was lost. But it was still their child. A child that will never be forgotten.

Follie report after 4 days of stims. (update 2)

I'm actually on day 5 of stims, but I've only completed 4 days.

Lining was 5.4 and was starting the trilaminar pattern.

Lefty had 7 follies and Righty had 8. All were 8-11mm, most of them 10-11mm. RE said there were more follies that look like they could also take off, so Saturday's u/s will be the one to really tell us how many we'll most likely be dealing with.

E2 levels will be called in later once the lab runs the sample. I'll update then.

Update 1:

I dont want to create lots of new posts today, as I want the one above this to remain on top. So I'll just add to this one as I have new things to say.

I just got today's Tarot card. It's funny: "The Ace of Pentacles card suggests that my power today lies in seeds. I have everything I need to co-create my own reality. I am empowered to nurture and tend to my own garden of purpose. I bring new life into the world. "


Update 2:

Nurse called with my E2 levels. 229. They were pleased and are keeping my dosage the same.

In regards to E2 levels - this is a number that shows follicle growth. It's the follicles that make the E2, which in turn, helps grow the lining. Particular E2 levels vary from woman to woman, from cycle to cyle - so you can't compare. But, a very rough rule of thumb is: A range of 150-500 is reasonable for the 8th day of a stimulated cycle. Approximately doubling every 48 hours is considered promising as a sign of good follicle development.

So, I am pleased with my levels as of today. Now I get to be excited about the "next" thing, which is my lab/ultrasound this Saturday.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

The difference an IFer feels about her children.

(children mentioned)

I am going to try to write about what's been going around in my head about this subject. I did want to start off my saying I do ~not~ think the actual LOVE is any different. I think a woman who ttc for 5 years loves her child just the same as a woman who was blessed with a C1 BFP. But I do think there are some differences, some of them so important, it makes me feel like the lucky one for going through infertility.

We were like any other couple who wanted children. We discussed it, thought it was time and started trying to conceive. Except we didn't fall under the "average" couple who could conceive within a year's time. It took us 18 cycles for the first child, one miracle month for the second and here we are, going through IVF on cycle 18 for our third.

I was thrust into a lot of inner dialog that would have never came up if I got pregnant in that first year. I was forced to think about the question "what if I never get pregnant?". It was a very real fear I had. I didn't know if I'd ever get a chance at being a mom. I didn't know if I'd ever get a chance to have children to love. I just didn't know.

What my infertility made me realize is just how much I wanted children. Some women feel "let's see what happens" in regards to having children - never really being 100% behind knowing they want a child at that time. I can't tell you how many women I've known who "thought" about having a child and before they made their decision, their "surprise" pregnancy had already made the decision for them. To me, I feel like these women were robbed of the knowledge of knowing they really, truly ~wanted~ their child. Sure, they loved the child once the baby was in existence, but they didn't get to make the decision for themselves.

Now that I have succeeded at least once, I'm glad I went through the time ttc. I knew what I would do for a child. Especially now, I know that I'll go through multiple daily injections and surgery and possible heartbreak for my child. I know some women who just wouldn't go to these lengths, but I know I would and I am. I will never take my child or my pregnancies for granted. I know how lucky I am that I did succeed. And I will never ever forget it. For the rest of my life, I will look at my children and I will know how much I wanted them. I will forever know what lengths I would have gone through for them - the lengths I did go through.

Like I said, I don't think women who got their BFPs right away don't love their children any less than women who have gone through infertility. I think ~love~ is universal and it doesn't matter how your child got here. But the feeling I feel, as every other IFer feels about their children, is something I can barely explain. The relief we feel. We look at our children and we know we won the lottery. We know we dodged a bullet. We feel this overwhelming sense of luck. It's in addition to the love we feel and honestly, I'm glad I feel it. If I didn't go through infertility, I wouldn't even know that this feeling existed. Women who conceive in their first year get the bonus of not having to go through infertility. Infertiles get the bonus of getting this feeling. It's all fair if you ask me.

There has been some really unfair negatives this time around. My friend Denise received a negative beta for her FET today - if you can, go over and give her a ~hug~ for support. Another friend of mine, Shayna, is dealing with her lack of even getting a chance (no ovulation) and things are hard for her right now too. They are both ttc#1 and are having those feelings I once had. I want to tell them both I just know it will happen for them, but obviously that's not something I can do. I try to explain how all of these failures will be worth it some day. If it takes 6 IVF cycles to get my BFP, then I'll go through 5 IVF failures. Because I know it's worth it. I know I'll end up being thankful for the position I'm in and I'll even feel that much ~more~ lucky. The problem is - I don't know if IVF#6 will be what it takes. And they don't either. But in my eyes, the risk is worth it. I'm in a unique situation though, as I have already conceived. I don't know if the risks are worth the chance of conception for them. I don't know what 6 IVF failures would do to my heart if that's all that was there for me at the end - failures. If there was a guarantee, I would say do everything you have to do to get there. But there is no guarantee, so all I can do is be their cheerleader. I'll be behind them wherever they choose to go.

I can only hope every infertile I know will eventually feel this ~bonus feeling~ along with their love for their children. That feeling is what makes IF tolerable.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

E2 levels are low.

Looks like my E2 levels are a little low. 71.2 when they want to see over 100 after 3 days of stimulation.

But, I'm not really on 'day 3' of stims. Really, I've only completed 2 full days of stims. It's because they started my stims at night, so only menopur was taken on the first "day". The end of my "day" is really in the morning, after I've taken the follistim injection too. Before this morning's draw, I had only completed 2 injections of menopur and 2 injections of follistim, the last dose of follistim being only 20 minutes before blood draw. Since it hasn't really been "3 days" of stims, my RE has decided to leave me on the same dosage until Thursday. He thinks it'll pick up by then, but if it doesn't, we'll be increasing dosage at that point.

It's early in the game, so I'm not too worried. Yeah, it does put some thoughts in my head - if there are "issues" this early, I'm less likely to go through the rest as textbook. All I can do is wait. Which as anyone ttc knows, sucks assholes.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Responses to the Taggings and some feelings.

I was tagged for a meme a few times in the past week or so, I am finally finding a bit of time to actually do it. Oh, and since I had to look it up myself: "A meme (pronounced /miːm/) consists of any unit of cultural information, such as a practice or idea, that gets transmitted verbally or by repeated action from one mind to another. "

1. Miss Artblog tagged me for the book meme. But you know, I was tagged a few weeks ago by someone else and I swear to you, I can't think of who that was right now. Ugh. Brain is not working. I remember even going to her blog and showing how lame my books were at work and why I was going to wait. Damn.

Onto the book meme: The rules are, you look up from the computer, look around the room where you’re sitting and pick up the closest book. Open the book, turn to page 123, count down to the fifth sentence on that page, and then post the next three sentences.

"That may be true, but it's a nightmare from which he wakes up - sobered, but unscathed. In the end, the attraction is fatal only for the single woman. 'I think the biggest mistake filmmakers can make is to say, okay, we're only going to show women who are together and stable and wonderful people,' Lansing says."

This is from Susan Faludi's 1991 book, "Backlash. The Undeclared War Against American Women." It was during my first year of college when I read lots of different things - from a feminist book like this, to many beatnik books like Kerouac's "On The Road". I had recently pulled this book out after reading a comment Mel got on her blogher article about the 2ww. There was a comment by someone that was just terrible and after a little research on the name, it brought me to some feminist articles, which led me to being curious about a few things from this book. So it was still sitting here, next to the computer, which is why it was the nearest book to me.

2. Ahuva Batya tagged me for the todo list meme. The rules are simple: make a list of 5 things you have to get done this week, no matter how small.

one: Balance my checkbook. I just did a bunch of billpays tonight, so I need to get them all in my checkbook and get my budget in order. My way of doing things consist of pay all bills and then take the rest and put it all towards debt. Fun.

two: Acupuncture. This week will consist of two acupuncture appointments, tuesday and friday being the days. I also have incorporated a weekly massage therapy session into this month, but that was today, so I have to wait until next monday for my next one.

three: RE appointments. Looks like three of them as scheduled now, but things can always change in the blink of an eye. Tuesday is lab only. Thursday is lab and u/s. Saturday is lab and u/s.

four: Work. I have so many things to do, I can't even begin to think of them, much less list them out. So I'll just say "work".

five: Dry cleaning. I have a pile sitting next to me consisting of maybe 15 or so items. I ~need~ to take them in!


Well, that's about that. Day two of stimulation is under my belt. I'm so excited for Thursday to see what's going on in there. I know nothing is happening yet and thursday won't tell me the end result, but I do want to see if ~something~ is happening. Oh please, let something be happening.

I'm really anxious right now. BFPs around me makes me think that my own chances are lessened. On my last two "promising" IUI cycles, the only two cycles I actually had a chance due to my uterus finally being in working condition - two girls close to me (one in each cycle) had gotten their own BFP. They were each in the beginning of my own cycle, but still, they got theirs and I failed. I know their successes have nothing to do with my failures, but I can't get statistics out of my head.

Let me just give an example instead of trying to explain it. I actually know someone who won the lottery. Like huge. Lotto. Millions upon millions upon millions of dollars. The fact that I personally know someone is pretty unlikely in itself. So the aspect of me knowing someone ~else~ win the lottery is even less likely. Their win doesn't lessen the chances for any of my other friends who play the lottery, but statistics makes it implausible for me to know someone ~else~ who will win. And that's what I think of my chances of pregnancy when one of my small group of infertiles ends up getting pregnant. The chances of two of us winning in one cycle? It's unlikely. So since my friend got hers, I actually feel much less of a chance that I'll get mine. I know this isn't based in fact of any sort, but it's how I'm feeling.

Alrighty, well, it's all done.

Before I get into my own updates, congratulations to my "online" BFF katbug (katie to you), who got her BFP on only her 2nd post m/c ttc cycle. Congratulations Katie! Many sticky vibes for you and the babies. (come on, who are we kidding? A 9dpo bfp that dark?)

As of this morning, I have done the first Follistim injection. The pen does make everything quite easy, but I was right - I didn't like the plunger action. Due to the twisting, it makes it weird to push down. If my thumb was 'tacky' at all, it would stick and that bothers me. It wasn't difficult to push down by any means, just didn't like how it has to twist while going down. No biggie though, nothing I'll fret over - just my initial opinion.

Thanks for the suggestions on the burning of the menopur. It wasn't a big enough issue for me to ~do~ anything about it though. Ice would be too bothersome - more bothersome than the actual sting of the meds. It's really not that big of a deal to me (but I do appreciate the help!).

So that's that. Nothing new to experience medicine-wise this cycle. I'm really glad it's just not that big of a deal to me. I keep thinking how I'll dread doing another cycle if this cycle fails and the thought of doing this "all over again", speaking of the injections only, isn't that bad. Of course, doing another cycle completely broken hearted from the failure of the first will be a whole other story all together.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

I'm stimulated.

It's day one of stimulation. I was only to start the menopur today and I'll be adding in Follistim tomorrow morning.

I forgot just how intimidating that 25 gauge, 1 1/2 inch needle is. Sharp as shit though, because it slipped through my skin like my ass was made of soft butter. Hrm, wait a moment, maybe it ~is~ made of butter.

Anywho, the menopur stung a bit going in, but nothing bad. Once the syringe was empty, the stinging was over. I can handle 11-12 more days, no problem. Unless, of course, I get gigantic huge bruises on my ass, in which subsequent injections may suck. But here's to hoping that won't happen.

I'm actually a little worried about the upcoming follistim injection using that damned pen. During "training", it seemed pretty freaking hard to push down, so that's what I'm overthinking now. That I'll have the teensy needle all nestled into my skin and I'll have to use all my power to inject the freaking meds. I'm sure after it's over, I'll roll my eyes about the ease of it's use, but until then, I need something to fret about.

Friday, March 14, 2008

She's here.

AF arrived right on schedule. Sweet.

Stim Start appointment.

I had my stim start appointment this morning.

Before I get to the details, it was a great appointment. I saw the main RE today and he was awesome. Besides the huge laughs we shared, I even got a hug. And it was actually a "I really mean it" hug. So that was a feel good moment.

On to the details ...

My insides looked great. Still haven't started AF (although I can feel it approaching) so my lining is sitting at 6.4. There are no cysts present. I have "a lot" of follicles waiting to grow. He didn't count them and he even said he should have, but we were in the midst of laughing during the u/s so he was distracted. He did say he was comfortable that they didn't need to be counted and my blood work will tell what they needed. So baring any unforeseen issues with my blood work, I'm to start stims on Sunday. Two days away!

~ 175 UIs of Follistim in the morning.
~ 2 vials of Menopur in the evening.
~ continue with 10 units of Lupron each evening also

Next appointment will be labs only on day 3 of stims, next Tuesday. My next u/s will be done on day 5 of stims.

Holy moly. This is actually really happening. It really, truly is happening.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Do you believe in "jinxing"?

And I don't mean saying something at the same time as someone else.

I find myself referring to my IVF cycle as "IVF#1", which makes me feel as if by saying "#1", there will be a "#2" or more. It seriously is scaring me! How silly of me to believe in notice such things. But still, I just can't find myself to be okay with referring to it as such.

I try to keep my taglines accurate in topics that I would want to go look back on. Like follie checks on certain days during my IUIs. I like to compare and for that reason, I use specific tags. My train of thought is to use a tag such as "IUI" when discussing anything about any IUI cycle and tags such as "IUI#2" when discussing something specific to my second IUI. For this reason, I'm trying to do the same thing with this IVF cycle too. When talking about anything specific to ~this~ particular cycle, I use the tag "IVF #1". And I really, really, really don't like to do it. But, damn it, the organizer in me won't let me stop.

Back to the adoption post.

Last week, I posed a question about adoption ("Why don't you just adopt?").

The response was outstanding. I can't thank you all enough - not just for commenting, but many of you took the time to really sit down and give me your thoughts. Thank you.

This isn't going to be a well put together post, as I want to just respond to a few of the comments and maybe ask a few questions. I'm simply going to go down the list of comments I received and throw out my return comments.

Pam - The "out of control" part is huge for me too. Prenatal, genetics, you name it. Do you happen to watch "House"? I don't peg you for an avid tv watcher though. They had an episode about the boss chick having IVF w/ donated sperm and how "genes matter" (not in a biological vs adoptive vs step way, but in a "what you are getting" way). How she couldn't pick a donor based on medical history alone - how genes really make a difference in the choice. I don't mean that donated sperm is a bad thing, just I'd want more to go on. I'd want to ~know~ more about what I'd be getting, instead of just looking as specific points to the medical history.

Joyous Melancholy - I talked to my husband more about this and in getting down to the nitty gritty, it looks more like he wasn't worried about loving the child more than he was worried about the child not feeling loved. He thinks that regardless of how much the child is actually loved, knowing she is not biological, like her sisters, she'd be hyper sensitive to it all. And anything negative would turn into a "they don't love me as much" type thing. Obviously your husband's situation was a bit different due to his father ~told~ him (how terrible. I'm so sorry), but I bet it's a natural occurrence when children know they are adopted and have siblings biological to the parents.

Christina - see the above comment. Now that he told me that, it makes me wonder. Will you worry about the same thing? Will you tell your adoptive child(ren) from the get-go?

Portraits in Sepia - Your talking of the judgments got my blood boiling. You are so absolutely right. And while it's definitely necessary to a point, it's unfair ANYONE can have a child of their own and only the ones with issues are the ones who are judged. Terrible.

Shayna - money is a bitch, eh? My very good friend adopted a caucasian child from a European country and it cost her $30,000 each time (she adopted two total, different times). I think she told me it was more expensive due to the caucasian child, which is ridiculous different children have different "costs" associated with it. Blech.

Chas - I'm selfish too. Although the aspect of a child is what it's all about, I really want to carry another child. Had I not carried a child before, adoption would be easier for me, but now that I know about how my body reacts to it, I'd miss it. And I find it horrible for me to even admit it, because I think adoption is such a noble thing to do, I would never want to say that I think adoptive mothers are missing out on anything. It just sucks.

Anon - I asked him and he said had we not been successful with #1, he'd be totally agreeable to adoption.

Denise - Yes. I knew what the picture of the tower was :)

I0 - I read your own post. I need to go back and talk to you on your blog about it. I don't think I actually answered it.

Spicy Sister - Okay, I think of the spice girls every time I see your name. :) Anywho, I think for any women who years to conceive and carry, it's perfectly okay to follow that path as long as you want to. I completely agree with your last statement "I guess ultimately - I see adoption as a different road, a different battle....a good one, a worthy one - but just not the one we are on right now." And if we didn't conceive, maybe it'd be a road we'd be on right now.

Anon - Nothing wrong with that. And I think it's very important to know this about yourself. Could you imagine going through it just because it's what some people "should" think you should do but it wasn't in your heart? Know yourself. It's so important.

Jenera - That's something else that would worry me - about the biological mom having anything to do with ~MY~ child. Especially with a SIL. Ack. Although I do have a friend who adopted her SIL's child without issue, you've already seen how she is. I don't blame you for the decision you made. What ended up happening? You know, I worry about this in the opposite way too - like it ~I~ donated my embryos to someone I knew or if I surrogated for someone I knew. I feel like I would feel like I should be involved in something this isn't mine anymore.

Katie - I think it's perfectly normal to be doing what you are doing right now. Right now, you are still young and still trying - no need to worry about things coming to an end too quickly. Take your time and when/if adoption is the answer for you, it will be. I want to note that I know it seems that I am saying adoption is last resort or only for people who don't have the time to ttc - that's definitely ~not~ what I am saying. I just know you and I know that you are trying to conceive and it's important to you. My opinion is not a blanket statement by any means.

Tracers - I'm really sorry you had such a bad experience with adoption. All kinds of stories are out there, some good and some bad. It's unfortunate yours had to be one of the bad ones. Oh - and I've always wanted to read your invite only blog. If you are ever up for more readers, I would love for you to contact me!

Kaci - Firstly, don't worry about your other comments. I saw your second one and just deleted the first one before reading (comments come in sorted timestamp reverse). Secondly, I'm really glad you decided to tell me about it. My sister also put up a child for adoption when she was young. For her, it was also a timing issue and I've never thought too much past it. How old were you? Don't answer if you don't want, but if you do answer, I won't publish your comment.

Anon - I can't tell you how many times I've said the same thing - the fact that after so much time, the child can just be whisked away. (although Lori at Weebles Weblog told me some contrasting information to that). And all I can say is ~wow~ in regards to the qualifications! Medication that you use to be healthy? Money? (okay, I understand that one a bit). BMI??? Holy hell. Also, I don't think wanting a Caucasian baby is a bad thing. It's not racist, it's being able to bring up a child the way you know how. I know that the task of keeping a child of another's race ethnicity in tact would be a something that would be too hard for me. And I have read about how hard it is to be the adopted child to parents of another race. I wouldn't want anything to be overly hard for my children, so I also would opt for a Caucasian baby. It's got nothing to do with the child's race. It's got everything to do with my own.

Steph - I have said it above, but I talked to by husband and he agrees with your comment: "he'd rather adopt and have a child than never have one of his own."

Claire - "It's the enlightened thing to do". I think it is a noble thing, but I do think people should have their own opinions about it too. That sentence just struck me. I really hope your pregnancy is going well! I haven't checked in on you, I know, I'm super horrible and selfish, but hey, maybe this IVF will work and I can suddenly be okay with everyone's pregnancies again.

PJ - I read it. And all I can do is nod my head in agreement. I don't think adoption is the natural "cure" or end to infertility. It's unfortunate so many people think it is.

Shinejil - I've said it before and I'll say it again, knowing yourself and the reasons behind your actions is something I would never want to give up. And I'm glad you have it in you to do yourself.

Alice - Mel told me that same comment about the not being related to my spouse and still loving him. At first I giggled thinking of how backwoods it would be if we were related and I do the things I do with him :) Then I thought how different the love of a spouse and love of a child is. I don't think I could compare that. I do know I could love an adoptive child just as my biological child and I believe he could too. But I do find it completely okay that he has these feelings. Since we are not going to adopt, it's not anything I have to pursue to get him to understand any better. About adoption being a "guaranteed child", how I wish it was that easy.

Loribeth - Age sure is a crappy thing to deal with, eh? I'm ~only~ 35, fastly approaching my own cut off limit of 36. I bet you my limit wouldn't be cutoff so soon if I was ttc#1. I wish there wasn't so many things that a 40+ "shouldn't" do.

JCK - So you are the reason ppl say "adopt and you'll get pregnant!" :). Congrats on the births of BOTH your babies!

Tuesday, March 11, 2008


Post number 300 and just a little thing to say. Nothing like 300 scantly clad men fighting off an entire army.

I've taken my very last birth control pill for this IVF cycle. Now it's time to wait for AF and stims to start this weekend.

"I find myself so excited I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head." (any guesses as to who said that in what movie? no googling the answer!)

and yes, i still am planning on getting back to the adoption post.

Sunday, March 9, 2008


I still have to go and read through all the great comments left for my prior post (and duffy, blogger didn't eat your comment - I have comment moderation on!) but I just got a weird comment from "anonymous".

I don't even know what it was for, as I can't even find it at all. It was scolding me for bringing my kids to the IF clinic, something which I would ~never~ EVER do. In fact, I've even talked about how I think it's a horrible thing for women to do and I've had to cancel an appointment before because I didn't have anyone to watch them. Hrm. "Anon" even said that I had so called "infertility". Um, okay. Perfectly fertile women go through IVF now? Wow.

Anywho, this leads me to one of those "how did they find me" keyword searches. I thought maybe I could find the keyword about kids in a clinic or something, and find the post google directed them to. I found the usual hilarious keyword searches which google thought my blog would be the most appropriate place to send them.

Here are my favorites in no particular order:

im thin but fat around my uterus - Must really be hard to find nice fitting pants.

lost tampon odor - ahhh. I can't tell you how many freaking disgusting tampon searches people put in and find my blog. Good lord. I tell one story and I'm the lost tampon story queen (not my own story, for anyone who now thinks I've lost a tampon)

over the knee socks thighs hurt - honey, if over the knee socks hurt your thighs, you aren't the type to be wearing them. Sorry.

how long after removing lost tampon can you get an infection - see?

i'm a failure at 35 - Hrm. I'm sorry?

best sarcastic questions to ask - Now this is one I can help with. But who are you asking?

diet for good uterus - My uterus likes a diet of Guinness & cheese.

homemade way to smoke crack - Like how to make something to smoke it in? Or how to make homemade crack? Either way, you're out of luck because I don't know the first thing about crack. Except that I find the words "crackhead" and "crackwhore" funny.

i'm infertile - yeah, join the club.

funny bouncy baby - Definitely the blog to come to.

what its like to smoke crack - Seriously. Tampons and crack. Why am I the expert?

how to stop puking - Take your finger out of your throat?

grand canyon tours cancel bubonic - Those damned squirrels. Do ~not~ pet.

loose vs. lose - Thank GOD someone is at least trying to learn the difference. Glad I could help.

nipple 1 dpiui - Darlin', stop googling things for 1 dpiui. Nothing is happening yet.

infertile nancy - Yes?

Friday, March 7, 2008

"Why don't you just adopt?"

It's a question that was posed to me many, many times while ttc#1. I have to say it's not asked to me so much anymore, as I usually get the "at least you already have two."

I've been thinking about the aspect of adoption recently because of two things - One, because of me looking into the women who have decided upon living child free and Two, because I met someone who quite possibly has the best adoption success stories ever.

What this post is not about how hard it really can be, and usually is, to adopt. It's also not about how stupid a question that is to ask anyone who is having a hard time ttc. Nor is it about why you would adopt or why you did adopt. My question posed to those who chose ~not~ to adopt. Those who adoption wasn't for them.

I know I'm asking very sensitive questions of a very personal nature. Please feel free to comment anonymously if you would feel more comfortable. But please try to answer if you can, I'm really interested in what anyone has to say.

With our failures ttc#3, I approached my husband about the idea of adoption. Our situation is different because we do have children. If we don't adopt, we aren't looking at living child free, we're just looking at living with two children. Totally different if I was ttc#1. We hadn't yet gotten to this question in our first ttc journey, so I honestly will not be able to give any information of what we would have done if we didn't succeed. It's really because of not knowing the answers to how my own story would have gone, that I ask now.

When I asked my husband, he gave me an emphatic "no". There will be no adoption attempts from his point of view. Since this would be a mutual decision, his "no" pretty much trumps any "yes" from my lips.

I was a little surprised over how quickly he was able to answer me. When asked his reasoning, he responded ~"I don't think I could love an adopted child as much as I love my biological children." Wait - before anyone gets too pissed off over his comment, keep in mind this is from A) a man, B) a man who hasn't had to wonder about adoption and C) a man who hasn't had ~any~ 'experience' with anything adoption related.

His answer shocked me. I just couldn't see how someone could say or even think that. Once you have a child that is yours, I couldn't see anything else but loving that child no differently than something out of my own DNA. But even though I didn't agree, I couldn't fault him for his own feelings. I wasn't going to argue, as adoptions isn't anything I'd really pursue too much. Honestly, it scares me too much. All that work and anticipation with the very real aspect of failure. Sure, TTC has the "same" kind of feelings, but failures would be my own failures. With adoption, I feel that I'd have to put too much ownership on someone else, so when he said "no", I was okay with it. Had he said "yes", I'd of gone into a new direction - delving into how I would really be able to go through the process. I could definitely see myself adopting, it's just the process that really freaks me out.

So, adoption, for us, is out. If this IVF fails, it fails. If we don't succeed and we close up shop at the end of the summer, that's what we'll do. We will still feel blessed to have the family we have, although I'll always know in my heart I have an empty seat at the table. The seat that was slated for child #3.

Onto my question - if you have decided against adoption - why? Was it a mutual decision? Was it like us where one "no" trumped any "yes"? Does anyone else feel like my husband does? Are you not planning on adopting because you have children? Are you not planning on adopting to focus on living child free? Do you want to adopt but can't for any reason? There's a myriad of questions I can ask right now, so you'll have to do the work in answering anything that could be asked.

I want to thank anyone who answers. I wonder what my husband's answer would have been if I asked before we conceived #1. Would he have chosen to live child free? Or would he of had a different feeling due to not having children at home? Would I of no accepted an answer of "no"? I have no way of knowing. But to get an idea, your own stories would help me out. So thank you.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

2nd injection

I realized my time was due for injection #2 while I was in the middle of reducing a sauce for dinner. I think I got this one finished in 12 seconds - the sauce didn't even stop spinning from my last stir.

I'm a fucking rock star.

Injections in the belly? Bah.

Not a problem.

I asked Tom to watch some household "things" while I was doing my first injection. I was a bit nervous on the whole belly stab.

Took everything out, wipe, wipe, needle pull of air, stick in jar, needle push, needle pull, needle push to right amount, pop out (a little too briskly as some of the precious meds flew out with it), grabbed the belly, ~stick~, push, out, sharps container. Done.

Seriously. 14 seconds at most for the entire thing.

Yeah, yeah, maybe it's because of my "past" (don't you dare!) but there is a big difference in the two. It took like a whole minute for the other thing. (okay, bad joke. ~wink~.)

It was REALLY itchy for maybe 5 minutes. And red and spotty. I googled and saw it was normal and some RE's say to rub some benedryl cream on the site. But, it went away before I could even find it.

So injection #1 went down smoothly. I may think a little differently on injection number 36 or whatever, but or now, I'm good.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

I start Lupron tonight!


Well, not "yay" really. I'm not looking forward to side effects. But ... it's finally here. No more waiting. So "yay" for that.

Monday, March 3, 2008

"Practice what you preach"

It is no secret I am not a religious person. Although I would consider myself spiritual, it's not in any sense of an organized religion. This is not a post about religion, but it is a post about the religious aspect of people.

I have run into some very self righteous religious people. People who are ~very~ judgemental without needing a second thought to pass on these judgments to anyone who they deem deserving.

If someone is truly religious, wouldn't they believe in things like forgiveness and not believe in things like being hyper judgemental? Wouldn't someone truly religious seek to be as close to Jesus as possible? To act in ways He would act? Or does the fact 'humans are mere mortals' override acts of kindness and the ability to forgive? Does that fact give a person a pass to act like a jackass and to pass judgement? Or do you think people living in the religious community, especially those "employed" in a church, should live up to higher standards?

I really believe in the "practice what you preach" way of life. I'm not going to give much credit to someone who doesn't do what they are preaching to others. Sure, I don't think anyone is perfect and there is going to be slip-ups. But if you want the respect of your position - act like it. At least that's my opinion.

If I was a personal trainer who never worked out, how much would I inspire someone who was trying to incorporate working out into their daily routine?
If I was a dietitian who ate at mcdonalds 3 times a day, how much would you listen to me?
If I was a hair stylist who never brushed my own hair, would you allow me to style yours?
If I was a church leader who constantly judged others based on my own ideals, would you listen to my advice on kindness of others?

What do you think? Do you believe in the "practice what you preach" approach to life?

If I have to study, will there be a test?

Just fresh out of my appointment with my RE's fellowship docs. They are the ones who my doc has brought over to take care of studies - nothing else.

Looks like I qualify for the lining study! They are collecting data on lining in IVF patients and I fit the criteria. I'm over 34. I have low FSH. I have a partner who has sperm (I found that one funny) and thanks to the docs, I have a uterus free of scar tissue and adhesions. There will be no different drugs, although there will be two groups of different ratios of the FSH and hMG drugs. The amount will be individually determined as what is best for each patient and if at anytime, the ratio is not in my best interest, I will be dropped from the study so I can be given the appropriate amount of stims. The doctors told me that even the low dosages isn't that low and they do not put anyone's IVF cycle in danger.

If I make it through the study, I'll get a big fat check of $1,000! Hopefully that will go along with a big fat positive, but only time will tell. If I end up getting dropped from the study, I'll get a pro-rated check, $85/"visit" (which is just an an additional u/s at my blood-draw only appointments and a few early u/s.)

Hey Tori ... I thought of you when C was bring me back to the library. She told me these doctors were learning their English (they are Dr Met's colleagues from Egypt) and if I didn't understand them, to ask them to repeat themselves. She made a point to tell me they know their English is not that good and they will not be offended if you ask them to repeat themselves. heh. Totally thought of you!

Sunday, March 2, 2008

TTCers never stop fighting.

Pamela Jeanne at Coming2Terms has received her gift from me. She explains it here.

From my end, I just wanted to acknowledge a group of women who I don't think are thought of enough. Can you imagine how you would feel if after years of fighting infertility, you decided to hang up your gloves? And then they fall into this other category where it's so hard, at least for me, to even try to support them. I feel I'm unworthy to give them my words because I feel it's so unfair that I'm here and they are there. Even if I didn't conceive and I was still trying to conceive, I still had that chance of a different future.

Anywho - Here is my gift to PJ. And a gift I hope to keep giving to every women who finds herself "Living Child Free after Infertility". (and yes, the gloves are real boxing gloves and too huge to keep in this aspect. My friend Tammy found some miniature gloves for me to use in the future. Little 3" gloves would be a better idea).

The poem reads:

These gloves represent
you put up a fight.
You knew what you wanted,
you never lost sight.

But things didn't happen
exactly as you planned.
You had to hang up your gloves,
something you could barely understand.

Although you have put
your gloves up on a shelf,
It doesn't mean the battle is over,
you are still fighting yourself.

I'm sure it's a struggle
something you fight with every day.
You so wanted to win,
on your heart it must weigh.

But your war ended up not being about
what you had thought when it begun.
It ended up being a war of self truth.
It's a war you have already won.

These gloves represent
the fight you have fought.
In my eyes you are a hero
and it's admiration you've taught.

Saturday, March 1, 2008

"This month"

I've been waiting to say it for awhile now and I can officially say it.

"I'll be doing IVF this month."