Thursday, May 29, 2008
112 "congrats" from fellow bloggers! Good lord. A lot had to do with NaComLeaveMo (I have to look that up each time), but I'm just going to pretend I actually have 112 friends :). That's okay, right?
So a big huge thank you for all of you who care. That's so awesome.
~ Work is kicking my ass. I should be able to poke my head up after an all night release on Saturday night.
~ The next u/s is scheduled for next friday. The big heartbeat check. Ack. I'm nervous. But all I can do is hope that the little peapod is still doingits jobin there.
~ I'm feeling a little queasy today at different times. Jeez, hope it's not m/s already. I usually don't get that until 7w and I'm not even 6w yet. Still super early for symptoms.
~ I went to see Death Cab For Cutie last night at Red Rocks. I was a little disappointed in the band itself, as they didn't put on a show that was any different from listening to their music. Sure, it was good and Red Rocks is an awesome venue, but nothing that stood out. But then again, it was simply DCFC, so what would I really expect?
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Me: "It's over. I'm so sad. Support me!"
You all gave me huge support.
Me: "I got a bfp! Forget the tears, I'm happy now!"
You all gave me huge support.
Me: "I think it's ectopic"
You all gave me huge support.
Me: "The doctors now think it's ectopic"
You all gave me huge support.
And now, I have a growing baby ~inside~ my uterus. I'd like to introduce you to my little peapod:
Quality sucks since I don't have scanner here, but I didn't want to skip the photographic evidence! Something that caught my eye today too - my clinic has me at 6weeks, but I am only 5w4d. So that added onto them thinking ectopic because they calculated from LMP, but I calculated from "ovulation". That made the numbers a little worse than they were.
But who cares now, right?
Girls, this is the biggie here ....
I was needing 852 and it was a big 1,073.
So. Yeah. It doubled plus a little more.
But this means we can SEE the sac now. We can SEE where it is. Just because it doubled just means it's doubling okay right now. Ectopics ~can~ double for awhile. The fact it's still doubling is good news, but it can still go the other way.
I have an ultrasound appointment at 12:15pm MT, which is less than an hour away. I'm pretty much freaking the fuck out right now, but I'll have an answer soon. Thank goodness.
Monday, May 26, 2008
Please let those numbers be over 800. (and while they are under 1000, even ectopics quite often continue to double, my doc said it would be around now we would see the numbers plateau or even drop.) So with numbers over 800, I'll still be able to have bits of hope.
Please let the pain stay away from my abdomen. (I do still have the little right sided cramp I've felt from the very beginning though. Before they told me it was "most likely" ectopic, I barely gave this cramp a thought. But now, with every twinge, my heart drops in a panic of "what if this is the beginning of the pain?".) So please, don't let this little cramp get any worse than the little cramp it is.
Please don't start bleeding.
Please let the baby be in the right place.
Please don't make me have to subject myself to an injection that will kill my now living baby. Even though I'd know it was necessary, I don't know how I'll handle the actual killing.
Please let my heart remain intact. If my baby dies, I honestly don't understand how it won't break into a million pieces. (Kind of ironic. On Mel's wishing stone page, this was my wish: "I wish I wish I wish that [this] doesn't break me. I ~do~ wish for a pregnancy, but if that doesn't happen, I wish to be able to keep my heart intact." What the hell am I supposed to think about that now? It's like I was wishing to help me through exactly what is happening, but I had no idea yet.)
Please baby, don't die. But if you do, you won't be alone. Part of me will die with you.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
How can I not think of the fact I have a 60% chance that my baby is going to die?
SURE. I hope for the best. And I want people to hope for me too. But I also have to ready myself for what very well could be happening.
If any of you was in my position right now (and I know many of you have been), you'd be worrying about the same thing too. You couldn't think of the possible good ending only. You couldn't just dismiss the bad. You couldn't just forget about the possibility of having your baby die.
And this is why I told some of my close friends I need them to acknowledge the place I am right now. Them being 100% positive about it is like dismissing the real scary place I am in right now. And I ~am~ there. If they won't at least say "I'm sorry" in addition to the "Oh, I just know it's all okay!", it's like they are telling me my feelings aren't valid. But some of them don't understand. They think saying sorry is admitting defeat. And I shouldn't think of the bad, only the good.
But I can't. I just can't. I don't want my baby to die. But I can't pretend it won't. So I'm stuck. If I think positively, I love the baby more and more. If I get ready for the death, I have to start letting go.
I just ask that my friends give me a little room here. Please don't argue with me on how I should feel. Please don't make me feel worse. I'm holding myself together right now by a thread. The thread will quickly unravel by shouting at me, telling me I made you feel bad because I'm not rainbows and puppy dogs or pretty much anything negative at all. I am really sorry if I could be a better person to anyone right now and I'm not, but I'm barely remembering to tell myself to breathe.
please please please let my baby live. please. don't die.
I am so fucking pissed off. Why can't anything be cut and dry for me? Why is everything up and down with me? IVF and all is well! No, it's not, we're cancelling. Egg Retrieval went well! No, you have some pretty bad OHSS. We'll try again starting next week! No, your levels need to come down more. We'll try this new thing! No, it's not working. We'll try this other new thing! No, not working. Let's put all 4 embryos is! No, BFN at 10dp3dt. Wait, BFP at 11dp3dt! No, beta is low. Your levels are doubling!! No, not good enough for some fucking unknown reason, your baby will most likely die.
Fuck. I need to get through a cycle like 95% of normal women. I need to just have a BFN or a BFP. I need a doubling beta to mean it's okay, not that it's still not okay. Why can't any of these truths hold up for me?
I can't keep doing this.
And I'm terrified of what is going to happen if and when the ectopic is verified. I know I'll have to take the injection of poison, but the fact that I'll be allowing to be injected with something that will kill my baby is too much for me to even process. I understand I have to take it or I could die. And I understand there is no way for the baby to survive. I know all of this. But taking the shot is going to kill part of me too. This makes me get that much more pissed off when women abort their babies because of such stupid fucking reasons like they are identical twins instead of a singleton. Fuck, I don't even want to have to 'abort' a baby that will kill me if the pregnancy continues. How could anyone kill a baby when if left to grow, would grow to be a real child? A child with a name. A child that laughs. A child that will call you mommy. A child that will love you unconditionally. It breaks my heart that these children aren't loved at all.
I will never understand. I will admit the reason I don't understand is because I had never been in those shoes. And I can understand there must have been some pretty serious issues to get someone to that point. But damn, I also think there is a level of "suck it the fuck up" that wasn't even thought of, much less risen to. I have two children and I would do anything for them. I would walk through fire for them. I would endure the worst of physical and psychological torture for them. If my pregnancy was so bad that I was afraid I would jump off a bridge if given the chance, I would have my husband tie me to a bed for the entire 9 months to keep them safe. If I still could not handle their existence, I would give them to someone with an empty womb who would love them for all they were worth.
And I know I'm lashing out because of my own pain right now. And I'm sure people think I'm just a terrible person and think I should support everyone in the world because they have a uterus. But guess what? I'm not a perfect human being. I'm far from it. And I'll be the first to admit my faults. This is one of them.
Friday, May 23, 2008
I got the call with Beta #3 which was 213. It doubled beautifully, even 33 more than I "needed". But RE wasn't happy. Apparently, there is some chart that you plug in numbers and dates and whatnot and I'm now off the charts. Nurse told me due to this, I have a "very likely" chance it was ectopic.
Not so, says my RE, as he only has me a 60% chance at ectopic.
I guess that since we are dealing with known embryos and whatnot, implantation times are more of a known, so a simple "late implantation" isn't quite what they can accept. Embryos won't just float around for an extra 3 days. But anything can happen, hence my 40% chance of a normal pregnancy.
Back to the appointment.
He gave me an u/s and said it was too early to see a sac, since my beta was only 213 (has to be over 1,000) but he wanted to look for other signs.
1) Lining is thickened to over 10mm. He said this is a good sign, since it points to implantation, but the lining can thicken even if the embryo implanted in the tubes.
2) No free fluid in the tubes (no bleeding).
3) Ovaries are also quiet.
4) No abnormalities in the uterus.
5) No ~pain~ when he poked ovaries/tubes nor when he moved my uterus back and forth. He said this was a very good sign. But then again, could just be too early.
So. Nothing is known. He did say if he was positive of ectopic, he'd be giving me the shot today, but he's obviously not doing that. So at least it's not all over now. But it could be next week. If my hcg levels plateau and don't get to 800+ by tuesday, it'll be a bad sign. If it is 800+, then we continue to hope for another few days to see the sac. All will be decided next week.
I'm ALL WORRIED now about ectopic because of the low betas and late implantation. I'm worried that the little embryo implanted so late because she took a ride up the tube and now she's stuck. And that is why my beta was so low.
(fyi - ectopics are INCREASED in IVF/FET. I'm not just pulling this out of my ass)
Sure, it doubled. But an ectopic can double in the beginning, right?
I'm freaked out. I leave in 2 minutes for blood draw and no idea when I'll get it back due to them sending out to the lab and the long weekend.
Upate #1 - They are doing it in-house due to long weekend. Yay. I'll get an answer today.
Still very worried about ectopic. With low numbers, it could just be the embryo had some growing to do before hatching and finding a place to land. Or, it's ectopic. I talked with nurses and they said they couldn't rule it out due to the low numbers. Although ectopics don't usually double, they can in the very beginning, they just usually don't get too large before they start to fail. So today is a big day. Although still not out of the woods if it even comes back doubled. We need numbers of at least 160-170.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
I lived in central phoenix after college. Not quite the suburbs if you know what I mean.
One day at lunch, I ran out to the bank to put in a deposit. I had to turn left into the bank and there was a lot of traffic. I pulled in the middle lane to wait for my turn. When I pulled into the lane, I was face to face with another car who was waiting for his turn to go. I assumed (wrongly) that he was waiting to turn left also.
I don't know how it is in all states, but in Arizona, it's illegal to use the turning lane as a merging lane. You use the lane to turn left. Period. Not to to merge into it first, wait for a space, and then continue to go forward. See, I used to get a lot of tickets in my teenage years and I've been to traffic school ~a lot~.
When oncoming traffic cleared, I went to turn left. At the same time, the guy who was facing me in the turning lane, went to merge into traffic, so he almost hit me. Yeah, he was in the lane first, but since he was making an illegal maneuver, I had the right of way, so I flipped him off (as anyone in Phoenix would do) and continued on my turn into the bank.
There I was, waiting my turn in the drive through. I was up at the little tube thingy, putting in my deposit, and I notice the same car drive through a closed bank lane and park perpendicular to the exit of my lane, blocking me in. This huge black guy comes out (doesn't make any difference to the story that the guy was black. But I was a little tiny white girl, so he was that much more intimidating to me) and starts screaming at me.
The whole bank is watching.
I want to look at "cool" as possible, so I start smart mouthing the guy, even though I should of just apologized so he would cool down. While he's barraging me with curse words, I'm smiling as big as possible, nodding my head saying "uh-huh. You don't say? Really? Wow." This is infuriating him even more. But I persist.
As he basically runs out of curse words and is silent for more than a second, I look to him and say "Are you done? Cause if you are, maybe you should run home and take some more Scary Guy Pills."
No fucking clue where that came from. But I was quite happy with how it sounded. Rarely do you get a good "come back" in the moment.
At that, he stopped, cocked his head in confusion, put his left hand on the opening of my open car window and with his right hand, punched me directly in the face.
Things go black.
I woke up to 1) blinding pain in my face 2) about every male customer on top of this guy, keeping him away from me and 3) the entire bank in the drive through window watching the melee. Awesome.
The guy stood up and the men stayed between me and him. He did some more cursing and got into his car and left. Police were called who gave me a lecture for getting into a confrontation with the man to begin with - scolding me over the idea "what if he had a gun?". Well, he didn't have a gun and he punched me. Can we focus on that? I'm the victim here!
The car ended up being stolen and they never found the guy. I had a wicked black eye and bruised cheekbone. And my mom was right - some day my mouth WAS going to get me into trouble.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
With such a late implantation, the odds that ~two~ implanted is off the charts. So that alone tells me I only have one baby in there. Another indication is my beta levels. I used my first beta as a "12dpo" level, because that was the earliest the chart took into consideration.
As you can see, my levels are well around "average" for a singleton:
If I account for late ovulation and put these numbers in earlier (as you can see by the red line way over to the left), I'd still be included in the "average" numbers. Even if I put in my first number as "7dpo", I would only then hit the "high" mark.
This is ~more than okay~ with me. Although twins is just so cute and special, I wouldn't want to have a set now. Maybe as my first two babies, but I already have two. I wanted three kids. And while I was okay with ending up with twins, for us, a singleton is the very best thing. There are so many reasons (for us).
~ I pay over $16,000/year in daycare for two kids. I am trying to figure out how I'm going to swing $24,000 with the addition of one more. $32,000/year for 4 kids is just out of reach.
~ One more child is going to fit in our cars great. We both have 3 row seating, but being able to fold one side down in the back for some storage space and to get child #3 in/out will be beneficial.
~ I am seriously pro breastfeeding (although I am ~not~ anti formula). It was hard to keep the milk supply up for the entire first year for one baby - I couldn't imagine having to pump enough milk for two babies. Hell, I can't imagine just making enough milk for two babies when they are on the breast for each feeding - although I know it can be done. It would just take a lot of work and constant feedings and well, I want to be able to give my time to the babies I already have. This could be different if twins were the only children I have, but not as babies 3 and 4.
~ Again with the time. Twins are just so amazingly hard for those first months. I still want to be able to see my other kids. As it is now, I can keep my girls home from daycare while I'm on maternity leave. I don't think I'd be able to do that if I had twins on my hands.
~ This one is selfish - since I am a working mom, I only get 12 weeks home with the baby. If I go on bedrest before the babies are born, that would eat away at the 12 weeks I get. See, maternity leave at my company is 6 weeks, but I can take up to 12 weeks on FMLA. No matter what, I would get 6 weeks after the birth. So if I was on bedrest for months and months, I would still have those 6 weeks. But I'm greedy and I want all 12 AFTER the baby is born. This is why I do not take off any time before my due date. Heck, with Allison, I was sitting at my desk while I was in labor! Talk about working until the last moment!
Of course I am a little sad to think I am "only" having one. But I have to keep in mind that for OUR SITUATION, adding a single baby is the very best option. I'm thrilled for those of my friends who are having twins, so I'll just live vicariously through them!
Let me add that I've obviously been wrong before, so I may have to eat my words again. If I ended up with twins, I would make it work - no matter how hard it would be. The things I wrote above would become issues I'd have to figure out, but all could be solved.
Monday, May 19, 2008
My little lowly beta of 15 is now up to 43. I couldn't be happier right now.
I am pregnant. Holy crap. I never thought I'd be saying those words again.
The only thing I am bummed about right now is I'll be losing many of my readers. But hey that's okay if that is what they need to do. Even I admitted that I stopped reading (okay, I still read, I just stopped commenting) all of the pregnancy blogs while I was going around and around on this infertility merry go round. It's fucking hard to read about someone's pregnancy, especially when you are in the throws of treatment. I ~hope~ everyone continues to read me, but if you don't, I'll understand. I can't expect others to do something I couldn't do myself!
This is my 3rd pregnancy though. So this won't turn into an overflowing with pregnancy stuff. I will talk about things, sure. But I think I'm over the fact my boobs will get bigger. Or my shopping day for maternity clothes. It will probably be more of a bitch fest about getting fat, as I'm an early shower to begin with and I can only imagine with #3 will do to me. I'm still going to be sarcastic as all hell and I'll probably revert back into my musings of daily life. So if you want, stick with me, will ya?
I did want to take a moment to thank the hell out of you all. 80 comments on my BFP post? Holy shit. Really? And I'll tell you, it was thrilling! So thank you.
And thank you for supporting me when I jumped the gun and thought my cycle was over. Here I was, crying in my bowl of Capt'n Crunch and you girls couldn't of been nicer. You were all completely genuine - I knew that so many of you really cared about me. It wasn't fake - it was real. And I felt it from you girls. I felt this love through your words. Overwhelming I tell you. Overwhelming.
And then here I was, 2 days later, changing my story to get congratulations sent my way. What a big jerk I am! But really, I didn't know. I honestly thought it was over. (yeah yeah, all you anti poas-ers can give me all the "I told you so!!!" comments you want. ~wink~). So, I must eat my words. But I have to admit, this is the best plate of crow I've ever had in my life.
Thank you. Thank all of you for being so fucking awesome. (except those anons who are fucking bitches. ~smile~.)
Funny thing too - at the REs, they said since this is beta #2, it will be sent out instead of doing it in house, so I ~may~ get a call back today, but it'll probably be tomorrow. Are you freaking out of your mind??? I can not wait that long. No way. I asked if I could just pay for them to do it in house and they agreed. Yay! So I should get a call back anytime after 1pm like usual. Sometimes it's much later and every once in awhile, it's earlier. We'll see.
I honestly don't know if I'll see the numbers I want now. I'm second guessing everything. Even with nice BFP pee sticks. If I already lost the baby, the sticks could of still been + and the blood will already be lower. Ugh. Panic panic panic.
I also am spotting a bit. Apparently I'm supposed to be on 'pelvic rest' (= no sex) for the first trimester. The spotting started immediately after sex, so I'm sure that was why it happened. And as Katie pointed out, the progesterone can make my cervix even more sensitive. Here's to hoping everything is okay.
Except I can't seem to get myself to believe it.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
I read David Blaine held his breath for a total of 17 minutes and 4 seconds just last month. (of course this was with saturating his blood with pure O2, but details, details, right?)
I have been holding my breath since Friday. And even though this allows me to take a few cheater breaths ...
... I still don't get to exhale and take in a new breath until Monday's return call for the results of beta #2.
As you may be able to tell from the photo above, the line is getting darker. I just can't tell by how much (quantitatively. I can see qualitatively) - and that is what is driving me batty. It looks to coincide with an early pregnancy, or in my case, a late implantation. Low Beta = Light HPT Lines = Late Implantation, but yet, I fret about it.
Also - I have a question. If this pregnancy is, in fact, viable, (omg, I'm pregnant) I want a baby widget thing. BUT, these things freak me out. I don't like these creepy bouncing baby thingies. But I also love the fact it shows what the baby is looking like during that week.
Does anyone know of baby widgets (not the tickers, a widget) that isn't so freaky-deaky?
Yet another progression with the newest one added to the end.
What I think is so crazy is these tests are only, at most, 12 hours apart. And heck, the time between the two extremes (top and bottom) is only 30 hours. Quite a change for just a day's time, dontcha think?
Note - I am working very strange hours this week. For instance, I had to be in the office the morning at 1:45am - so that is why I have a pee stick at such a strange time. I am obsessive, yes, but I'm not overly so!
Saturday, May 17, 2008
It's distinguishably darker. Not by leaps and bounds, they are all still light lines. But it is, in fact, darker.
This seems like a good thing.
Here is photographic evidence. I do not know how you girls take good pictures of your HPTs, so here's my lame attempt. It's hard to make out the second line here, but honestly, in person, it's easy.
~ I bought another box of the digitals, just because that is the only test that I can truly compare results. If that one goes negative, I know my levels have gone down. And we know it picked up only 15 yesterday, so I know today my levels are at least still 15.
~ I didn't have any of those extra sensitive medical strips my RE uses, so all I could do was pick up a box of FRER. The test this morning showed a very light second line, but a second line nonetheless. FRER is supposed to be sensitive as low as 25 - so either my numbers have gone up to 25 so FRER could pick it up, or it's picking up the 15 I had. Until I can compare tomorrow's test, I will have no idea. My levels may just be stagnant and not increasing. But at least I know they aren't DEcreasing. Which is promising.
This weekend is going to be FILLED with waiting. Ugh. But what else can I do? I want Monday to get here and show me doubling numbers and I want SO BADLY to eat my words of "this cycle failed". I want to shout out how wrong I was for counting myself out and I want to apologize to everyone who gave me support when I was simply jumping the gun. But, damn it, that's just going to have to wait until Monday.
In other "news" ...
Check out this comment I got from "anonymous" last night ...
"I guess God even has pity on people who spew as much venom as you do. Good luck to your third child. Lord knows the first two will need years of therapy after having a mother like you. Make sure you keep your butt on 1st tri on WebMD and stay off our boards. No one on 3rd tri is interested in you ruining or last few weeks of our wonderful pregnancies."
Pretty "good" person, don't you think? And this is the type of person to use God in her ramblings to me. Ridiculous. I must say my favorite part is the threat "keep your butt on 1st tri". Seriously entertaining. I love when girls get all drama. It's SO funny.
Could you imagine the type of person you would be to say something like this to someone else? I may speak my mind and discuss the hard topics, but I would NEVER say something like this to someone. I never have and I never will. It's just so sad. I pity her. Heh - and she says she's sorry for ~my~ children. Very ironic if you ask me.
(About the comment of 3rd tri ... Whenever I was pregnant and in my 3rd trimester, my due date always seemed so far away. I loved to lurk on 1st tri to see what the new due dates are. So last time, I simply posted a quick comment on 3rd tri to give them the "newest" due date out there - to make them feel better about how far they've come. And that's all I did yesterday. But apparently, what I did was "ruining or last few weeks of our wonderful pregnancies". I think that should be "our last few weeks", but as you all may already know, people who would type this kind of comment to someone isn't the smartest marble in the bag. It's not her fault, her IQ can only take her so far, right?)
Friday, May 16, 2008
All I can do now is hope it was late implantation. Which, since it was negative yesterday and positive today, it must have been. If the hcg was higher earlier and dropping now, I'd of gotten a BFP earlier.
Next Beta is Monday, 7:30. Oh boy. This wait is going to be fun.
Why would that be?
(beta scheduled today at 730a)
update #1 - got beta draw. Will update again with #. Did a second poas at RE and it was a BFP still.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
I had 4 beautiful embryos. I had a perfect transfer. Easy as pie. But my body couldn't support them. Even with jabbing myself with 1.5ml of progesterone in oil everyday. Damn. I lost them.
This type of BFN is weighing more heavily on my heart. I don't think it's just because of all the added drama (injections, appointments, etc) but because I got to ~see~ those future babies. Those embryos were alive. They were a part of me and my husband. They were with us. They lived for a few days. And I lost them. I knew I wouldn't be able to have all four of them, but I was really hoping I could be the mommy to one of them. But they are all gone.
To my fab four - man, this is making me cry (again). Even though I wasn't able to bring you home, I loved you four intently. Yes, even though you were a mere 8 cells - I knew what you could become. I'm sorry I wasn't able to help you live. I'm sorry I failed you. ♥, your mommy.
I have to go to the ridiculous negative beta blood draw in the morning. As soon as it's confirmed, the nurses will work up my calendar for IVF#2 (see? I told you I shouldn't of been labeling my first IVF as IVF#1.) All retrievals and transfers will be in the first two weeks of June, so I'm sure I'll be starting up very soon. Which is good because I have to move on. Do as much as I can in the very short time frame I have. August is approaching ridiculously fast.
Monday, May 12, 2008
When someone reads something "shocking" or "controversial" here, you do know that I'm just saying what pretty much everyone is thinking, right? I usually only blog about such things after talking ad nauseum about it with a bunch of other girls. I'm just one of the only ones who will ~say it~ (without being anonymous).
Here's a parting gift for those who need to leave due to my words ...
Here's the testing stats I obsessively collected (parenthesis containing if that was their first test or when their last bfn test was):
~ 4 = BFP on 7dpt
~ 2 = BFP on 8dpt (1 - 1st test, 1 bfn @ 7dpt)
~ 2 = BFP on 9dpt (1 - 1st test, 1 bfn @ 8dpt)
~ 8 = BFP on 10dpt (1 - 1st test, 1 bfn @ 5dpt, 2 bfn @ 7dpt, 4 bfn @ 9dpt)
~ 3 = BFP on 12dpt (2 bfn @ 10dpt, 1 bfn @ 11dpt)
~ 1 = BFP on 14dpt (1 bfn @ 12dpt)
Doing the math thing:
~ 20% got a BFP by 7dpt
~ 10% got a BFP at 8dpt
~ 10% got a BFP at 9dpt
~ 40% got a BFP at 10dpt
~ 15% got a BFP at 12dpt
~ 5% got a BFP at 14dpt
A whole 65% of these ladies had a negative the day (or so) before their BFP!
So, bucking all I learned about statistics ... if I am somehow pregnant from this cycle, I only had a 20% chance of it showing by today. A full 80% of BFPs showed after today!
Okay, so I'm going to take this and run with it. I'm tired of feeling all defeated (even though I could just be putting off the inevitable)
I was just hoping to complete a cycle, not a bfp, right?
Wow. I'm really going to have to disengage from all thing baby and pregnant and everything. I know it's not over yet, but I can feel my heart breaking into pieces already.
vent: Have you ever known some girls who are so fucking clueless in all things reproductive speaking, their questions finally become too much to handle? I find myself hoping to God they just get pregnant so they'll stop asking questions. It's like they don't learn from question to question - they just keep asking the same thing in different ways - each and every month.
And hello? GOOGLE. It's a great tool. Use it. Stop asking us questions that you can easily look up. I know, we all ask the occasional question we could of looked up - and that's fine. But day after day after day. And I know the rule of "there are no stupid questions", but there are. I'm sorry but "I'm going to be 2dpo - can I go on a bike ride?" and then updating us about said bike ride 8,000 times is getting on my nerves. Is it possible to live your day to day life without asking a bunch of ttc-ers every single little question? What if no internet girls were online? Would you sit at home and not ride your bike?
Argh. There are two girls like this currently in my message board life. They both aren't from the same sub-board, (thank God), but seriously, one of these days I'm going to finally lose it. I've tried the "just ignore" them thing, but it. is. just. so. fucking. hard.
I'm just waiting for their bfp announcements and then they'll go away and start bugging all the pregnant boards with their asinine questions. "omg! I ate a hot dog! Did I kill my baby?" Of course these are the girls who ~will~ get pregnant, you know? Oh - and then they'll act like the ttc experts. Just you watch.
I just spent the last 10 minutes moving the next group of "now pregnant" girls from the "TTC" folder to the "babies" folder. And while I'm happy for them, it saddens me that we'll now lose touch. They are now in that happy place of "all pregnant all the time" and I'm not. It's just too hard. But they won't miss me. They got a whole new life to care about. And I know this will be "my fault". Or the fault of my life sucking uterus and shit lining that can't seem to hold onto even one of four perfect embryos.
Live in Colorado? It's a good time to join the coloBloggers group right now too - seems that joining = pregnancy (except for me and one other girl. And come to think of it, every one of the ttc girls have gotten pregnant from their recent IVFs and natural cycles. There has been loss, yes. Chemical pregnancies and recurrent m/c, but everyone gets pregnant - I can't even accomplish that.) I don't think I'll be able to go to the next meeting. I don't think I can leave my heart at home and I don't think my heart can take all those bellies. I wish I was stronger, but I'm not. Just thinking about attending and having to deal makes me cry even harder. Fuck. I wish I could just suck it up.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
And hey, I know it's early. These posts aren't "I'm ~so~ bummed out" posts. They are just chronicling the aspect of my poas day by day. For now, I'm cool.
Plus, I've learned with a 3dt, especially from FET, it can take up to 2 days longer to get a result than a 5dt.
So I'm okay with negatives for a few more days. But that 8dp3dt/9dp3dt will suck assholes.
okay, so I admit it, I'm not really ~okay~ with seeing these negatives. But like I've always said, this is the way I like to do it. Test early and often. That way, a little hope is taken out of your heart, a little bit, day by day, so when that real BFN is staring you in the face, it's just not as hard. For me, a bunch of 'little' BFNs is better than one 'big' BFN.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Friday, May 9, 2008
When is the earliest I could get early BFPs?
I am a poas-addict, so I will start poas soon regardless of any of these answers. What this question is actual for is to know the ~when~ the earliest of BFPs can happen past 3dt.
With IUIs and "natural" cycles, I know a BFP can happen as early as 9dpo, but it's not common to see them. I know that 10dpo is more common and I know that most pregnant women who actually know the specific day of ovulation will get a BFP on 11dpo. I know that I trust a 12dpo BFN at an 85% accuracy rate. I know a 13dpo BFN can be trusted 95%. I trust a 14dpo BFN 99%, even with the lack of AF.
But I know nothing about FETs and IVFs and 3dts and 5dts. I don't know when the earliest people have gotten BFPs nor the percentages of their accuracy.
Can anyone help me out? Please comment on all the information you know. I have also put in an easy to click poll, for those who don't like commenting. Thanks!
My injections have not bothered me at all. After getting over the fright of the ~first~ injection, I was fine. I did all of my injections through IVF and now for my FET.
~ The lupron injects were easy. I wish all injections were belly injects. I did itch a tad bit for a few minutes on the random injection.
~ The follistim never lived up to the name of "folli-sting" for me. I only did 175 units, so maybe that was why.
~ Menopur was the big scary IM injection, but if you remember, I said it was like my ass (okay, outer quadrant of hip) was made of butter. The injection went easy each time.
~ The delestrogen was my first introduction to medication based in oil, but the amount I had to inject was so teeny, I couldn't even feel it. I started with .05ml and worked my way up to .15ml.
No bruising. No anything. Maybe a little sore from the IM shots, but barely anything.
And then there is PIO.
~ PIO is evil. It's thick. And it's a lot (1.5ml). It makes the injection site completely sore the entire next day. Enough that sitting down hurts. It feels better 48 hours later though, so by the time I have to inject the same side, it's okay. The lump from the injection can be rubbed right out.
And then there was last night's injection.
It felt okay going in and then when I went to pull it out, I felt something different. It "pulled" weird. It immediately bled and some oil leaked out. The syringe had some blood in the tip. Looks like I must of nicked a vein or something.
The lump immediately appeared. It was a hard lump. Within 30 minutes, I was feeling the soreness I usually don't feel until the next day. And this morning, it's a horrible purple/black bruise, still in lump form.
So what did I do wrong? Does this just happen on the random injection??
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Out of those 9 2wws, only 2 actually may have worked, because previous to my Jan IUI (3rd IUI, 4th triggered monitored cycle), I was full of scar tissue where the RE said any fertilized eggs would have had nowhere to go.
Goodness. Now I have to break it down ...
4 annovulatory cycles (reason unknown, although assumed cysts)
3 annovulatory cycles (with diagnosed cysts being reason)
4 surgery cycles (surgery in first few days of cycle, then 6-8 weeks of healing before new cycle was allowed to start)
3 IUI cycles (2 were during unknown scar tissue times)
1 IVF cycle with cancelled transfer
1 mock cycle with cancelled transfer
1 bcp pre-ivf suppression cycle
1 cancelled IUI due to presence of cyst (given bcps to suppress)
1 monitored and triggered cycle (during unknown scar tissue time)
1 FET cycle (yay!!)
All of that and this cycle is really only my 2nd real chance because my uterus is finally scar tissue free.
So, today is 3dp3dt. I woke up to little bitty cramping which an hour later, I no longer feel. I am in such unknown territory right now, because I don't know the timing of anything with embryo transfers - being 3d or 5d or even from frozen. No idea. So I get to obsess and notate everything! yay! Oh yes, I am going to dive deep into this one! After 20 cycles, I deserve some obsessing.
I'm hopeful, yet also expecting a BFN. I can't help but keep the "60% chance of a BFN" in the forefront of my mind. But I do hope. I do ~hope~ it's a BFP. There still is a 40% chance of a BFP and that's pretty darn good too. Nothing else to do but simply wait and keep track and see what happens.
If this doesn't work, I'll be good to go into the June IVF schedule. Good thing about having no stimulation this cycle - I won't have anything to suppress. Having a future plan really helps when a current plan may come crumbling down at any moment. This was the worst aspect of the history of my cycles - bad news didn't come with a new chance. It came with waiting. Waiting that could last as much as 8 weeks.
I have my plan, but more importantly, I have my now. My present. My Fab Four.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
How can you truly support someone when you don't know what exactly you are supporting? Especially when it's a story like this. I'm going to be totally anonymous here, because I don't want to point this person out. This person has not left a comment here nor do have I spoken publicly about this person, so I think it will be okay to open up this discussion.
Many people say the phrase "A loss is a loss". But what is that loss was an abortion? Would you support that loss differently than a miscarriage? What if the abortion was due to something not so horrible like just not wanting the baby, but let's say, because you felt you needed to for some mental reason (nothing wrong physically).
Would you support differently?
While I would still want to support, I would need to know ~how~ to support. Saying things like "I am so very sorry for your loss" just doesn't seem like what I would say for an abortion. Since that type of a loss wasn't necessary, I simply can't treat it the same. But that does NOT mean I don't want to support the person who had to endure such a decision!! It may be a decision I would never make, but then again, I have to realize it's a position I have never ever been in. So I can't judge.
Is it even fair of someone to ask for and/or take support with keeping these kinds of details to themselves? Think of this analogy: Someone posts all about having their car stolen and talking about how bummed they are about it. That person then thanks everyone for all the supporting comments of the "I'm so sorry your car was stolen", all the while the person had actually left the keys in the car in a known car theft location, just because they wanted to get rid of their car because they couldn't afford the payments anymore. See, I could still say "hey, I'm really sorry you had to come to the point where you couldn't afford those car payments" and support all about that kind of a situation. But I would feel duped if I talked about how sorry I was that the car was stolen, when in fact, it was really given away. See my point?
What's the best thing to do then? Ignore the fact there may be way more to the story and just stay generic? Or should I simply ~not~ support this person because I'm not comfortable with supporting something I'm not quite sure of?
See, I could support this person in two ways. I could support the loss ~or~ I could support her mindframe. Such two different things. But without knowing, personally, I don't think I support it blindly.
Myself and The Fab Four are doing fine. Monday and the first half of Tuesday was spent on bedrest. Well, as much bedrest I paid attention to - I kept forgetting about it and had to remind myself to trudge it back to bed. I wasn't having any trampoline contests or anything, just getting up and walking to kitchen or something, but still - I shouldn't of been getting up.
Tuesday afternoon I got out of bed at 1:15 and made it to the airport by 2pm. Flight was on time, leaving at 2:45pm. And let me tell you, the first leg of the trip (Colorado Springs to Denver) was quite possibly the scariest plane ride I've ever taken in my entire life. EVER. There was some strong weather systems and our little 20 seater plane didn't handle it well. It wasn't "bouncy" really, but more banks and dives. Holy shit. The plane banked to the left so hard one time I actually grabbed out to hold onto the seat in front of me for fear of falling out of my seat. I even contemplated calling my hubsand, forgoing the no cell phone rule, because I thought our plane going down was a real possibility. Thankfully the flight was only 15 minutes long because I think I would have started crying.
The flight to Boston was freaking fabulous. It was a pretty full flight, but about 20% of the rows had an empty middle seat. When I checked in, I had asked if there were any open rows because I wanted to be able to put my feet up. I told the check in guy that I had just had a surgical "procedure" and he said the middle seat was empty, so I wouldn't be too crowded. I thanked him and waited for boarding. He must have done something though, because when I got on the plane, my row was completely empty and the flight attendant came back and told me I needed to sit up during take off and landing, but I could put my feet up and lay across the seats as soon as we were in the air. If it wasn't for the two men having a 3 1/2 hour long meeting in the row kitty-corner from me, the flight would have been perfect. I watched the movie 27 Dresses, which was a cute movie. Quite contrived, but cute. And I drank tons of water, staying very hydrated.
Once in Boston, I got a taxi right away, made it to hotel within 15 minutes and had the BEST room service pretty much ever. It cost me about $40, but so worth it.
Now I'm working, chillin', feet up.
Monday, May 5, 2008
Okay, let me brag a little bit first about my rock star embryos. We had 9 to fertilize to begin with and all 9 fertilized. Then, 7 survived thaw. Out of the 7, on day 3, we still had all 7 growing! No losses yet. This is how the breakdown of the 7 members of the once frozen Mod Squad:
1 - 8 cell grade A
1 - 7 cell grade A
1 - 6 cell grade B
1 - 5 cell grade B
2 - grade C (don't know cell count)
1 - grade D (don't know cell count)
We sat down with RE and discussed how many to put back. He suggested 4. ~gasp~. Well, we all KNOW how I feel about putting back too many. RE asks "so are you okay with four?". I said "Nope, we want two max." And he said "Oh no, I won't put back just two. Not with your age and lining." (okay, so had we insisted, he would have. It was our choice, after all.)
We went over statistics and facts and all that. He said the 8, 7 and 6 cell for sure. That would give me 35% chance at a singleton. Then, he mentioned he really wanted to put back the 5 cell, but that one probably wouldn't take. Tom asked if it's not a great one to take in the first place, why would we transfer it? And RE said that it's not going to make it to blast for the most part, so he just would feel better than simply disposing of it.
I turn to Tom and say "this is totally up to you." And he says "WHY IS IT UP TO ME?" and I said "Because now I'm all maternal and want to put back all four. I'm too emotional about it. I don't want to just throw away the runt."
And it's true. I do not want to have more than twins. Heck, twins would freak my shit out because I already have two babies. And it goes against my moral thoughts of this situation. But I will be the first to admit that when faced with it, my heart changed. I even thought of how strongly I felt about it just a few days ago on my blog and how I was totally a hypocrite. But all I can say is that I was wrong for judging when I wasn't in that situation to begin with. (note: I do think going against Drs orders and triggering with 8+ mature follies and having sex is a selfish decision.)
It came down to statistics. With the four, a 40% chance for a singleton and a 60% of ~no baby at all~ was a risk we decided was okay. Of that 40%, we've got a 15% of twins and under 5% for triplets. I'm a bit nervous and feel guilty for being a hypocrite, but what can I say?
Without further adieu, I'd like to introduce you to Paul, John, Ringo and George. (The Mod Squad only had three members, so I had to change it up.)
The naming was great. My RE came up by my head after transfer and showed me the picture. He is the one who introduced me to my embryos as Paul, John, Ringo and George. Once he said it, I ~knew~ it was perfect. My husband and I are big Beatles (and John Lennon) fans. Our wedding dance was "Imagine" by John Lennon. We quite frequently play The Beatles in the house when we want to have family time without tv. So yeah, it was perfect.
So now we wait. IF the grade C or D miraculously grow to blastocyst stage, they'll freeze them, but I know that's not going to happen. My RE said he's seen it before, but it's nothing I was expecting. We knew we'd use them all up. I'm beyond shocked they did so well in the first place to tell you the truth.
My beta is scheduled for next Friday, May 16th at 7:30am. But as you may know, I'm the ultimate POASer, so it'll happen way before that. And since I have no trigger in me, it makes it even more feasible to test WAY too early.
Wow. I transferred four embryos.
Sunday, May 4, 2008
So that means there's something to transfer so far, right? Yipee!
She said we'd go over the details of the embryos tomorrow when we're there. OMG. So nervous!
Saturday, May 3, 2008
I had a freeze all cycle, as you may remember, so they were frozen right after fertilization. I know that it's a numbers game and you lose as you move forward, so that's the report so far.
I'll get another call tomorrow to see how they do over the night and day.
Friday, May 2, 2008
Did you read Mel's Friday's RoundUp? I had asked the magic 8 ball if I'd make it to transfer and even it didn't know how to respond. It's funny. And Mel's response was hilarious and so apropos.
It's amazing how many ups/downs I've had on this ttc journey. It's like fate is getting me 'back' for conceiving in as little as 18 months and even a first time try. Heh. That's what I get for calling myself the big fat "infertile" word.
So we ALL know the ups/downs, starts/cancellations/re directions I've gotten. And I finally make the decision to that out The Mod Squad and try my luck.
My boss calls this morning. "I need you in Boston this Monday. If you can't be here on Monday, then fly out on Monday. But I need you here all week. I don't care how much it costs, buy your ticket immediately."
Okay Mr bossman, there is something I really didn't want to share with you, but ... And I tell him the entire thing. I fibbed a little too to make it seem even more gigantic. "You see, I'm doing this $15,000 procedure that is culminating on Monday morning and I have to be on bedrest for 4 1/2 days."
Yes. 4 1/2 DAYS. That is what my clinic tells us. Ridiculous. I remember talking about this with them months ago, before I was even in cycle saying I couldn't do 4 1/2 days. If I did get pregnant, that's almost a week of sick time I would be using up! But the nurse said that it's really only 24 hours that they think is necessary, the rest is "peace of mind".
I tell my boss that I can't come Monday, but I can possibly come Tuesday afternoon and be in office Wednesday. He is a frat guy, but he has a heart and tells me to hold on a moment and we talk through it. He says ~if~ my Dr okay's it, I can come, but he wants nothing less than a Dr's note telling him it's okay.
But the thing is, being in Boston next week is huge. I really need to be there. It was a last moment thing for a lot of other people and my boss realized I am the most qualified to lead it. I can work online Monday around transfer and Tuesday until 1pm, then hop on a plane by 3. I'll be in Boston 1030pm and I can be to office first thing in morning. It can work.
I know what my risks are, but honestly, I'm not worried. I just know in my heart 4 1/2 days of bedrest is not necessary. I'll have almost 30 hours of strict bedrest where I will not move. And then I'll make a 10 minute drive to the ridiculously small airport (minimal walking). I'll take the shuttle from car to door. I'll sit on a plane for 5 hours. I'll take a taxi from airport to hotel. I'll sleep. Hotel is literally a stone's throw from office. I'll go to office and sit in a cushy conference room chair all day. We'll have food catered. I'll go back to hotel room and do nothing. I'll get room service.
I walked straight into RE's office after this phone call and asked to talk to a nurse. No phone call would do in this situation. I ask what the minimum of the 4.5 days bedrest really is (to same nurse who told me 24 hours months ago) and she says "there is NO minimum Nancy. It's 4/5 days. You are not going to Boston." And I plead "But I have to. If I can't, we have to reschedule this FET for another week" (remember, I'm on estrogen and no follicles, this is a possible solution as RE told me we can safely try to grow lining for 4-6 weeks if we need to). She tells me to sit and she'll go get the doc.
I sit there kindof "holy shit, I'm going to postpone again." She comes back and says "Okay Nancy, you can go, but you need 24 full hours of strict bedrest. You can go to Boston on Wednesday." Well, I am cheating and going late Tuesday, but I'll take my chances. "... and you better bring me some socks." (see, I'm on a roller derby team and I have fabulous over the knee socks and where them for each of my ultrasounds. Nurse awesome loves them and I even bought her a pair a few weeks ago. Hence the socks reference.) I told her I would name my next child after her and she said that would do.
So, next week is insane.
Monday: acupuncture, ET, acupuncture.
Tuesday: Fly to Boston
Thursday: In Boston so can't show up for court (got a ticket and have to go to court to prove the insurance I don't have. In my city, I can't just go in and show them, court is mandatory) so I will get a bench warrant against me.
Friday: Boston. Maybe off early to go ~enjoy~ Boston.
Saturday: More Boston. I don't fly back until later in day, because I love to give myself an extra 24 hours on a business trip.
Sunday: The cops will find me back and I will go to jail.
On Monday, I'm going to try to get court data postponed - so hopefully jail won't be in my future. And all week, I'm going to take it easy as possible.
I really, Really, REALLY am okay with my decision to do only 24 hours of bedrest. Some clinics only ask for 24 hours. Some clinics think too much bedrest can be detrimental to implantation due to decreased blood flow. And honestly, when most women since, oh, I don't know, the beginning of time have conceived and their lovely little embryos make it down to their uterus, they aren't laying in bed for 4 1/2 days to allow for implantation.
The Mod Squad already has there work cut out for them with my sad little 7mm lining - why make it any easier? ~wink~
If this doesn't work, I'm not going to do any self blaming due to going with too thin lining or not being on bedrest for a freaking week. If it does work, I'll have a great story.
Oh yeah, and I started PIO tonight. Son of a bitch! That's a lot of oil to push into my hip. 1.5ml!!! How much do you girls usually have to inject? Here is my protocol:
~ estrace 3 times/day, vaginally.
~ tetracycle 4 times/day, (but start only 1/2 dose today), for 5 days.
~ medrol 4 times/day, (but start only 1/2 dose today), for 5 days.
~ .15ml of delestrogen, injected IM, Tuesday and Saturday.
~ 1.5ml (yes, 10 times amount of delestrogen) of PIO daily.
I've been seriously behind in some major commenting I've needed to do. I've been giving little comments here and there, but can I just say the following girls deserve more from me right now? And by the way, this is not a complete list of everyone I think is cool - just a list of girls that inspire the hell out of me with their writing and I take so much from their words, and haven't been giving back enough at all.
Pam (wordgirl). Well, she's just fucking awesome and seriously, one of my very favorite bloggers out there. But she also intimidates the hell out of me. I go to check in with her and she never writes simple little posts that I can simply comment to. I think about her a lot. I thought about her everytime my hockey team lost by a terrible sweep from the redwings. I thought about her smiling at my loss, since our team beat up her team, bnot as bad as our loss. But again, her posts are so wonderfully written, I feel I can't just chime in for a little nonesense. I need to get her email. Yes.
Mel. The reasons are a big "duh". You all know how great her writing is. And how she brings so much out there to think about. But recently, I've been really interested in the Jewish faith because of her. I never knew too much about it and I find myself reading everything mentioning anything about the faith/tradition/etc anywhere. Religious, I am not, but Mel's made me interested. That's huge.
IO. Cause she's just as awesome as everyone else. And I'm jealous she is Irish.
Chicklet. She's waist deep in IVF#2 and all I find myself telling her is she loves Home Depot (and should marry it.)
Denise. Again, in a cycle I should be totally supporting, and I am. But instead, I text her and call her and deluge her with my own questions and issues. I've been a terrible taking friend.
Duffy. In her own big scary IVF cycle. And I'm simply saying "good luck!" to her instead of really spending my time talking to her.
Meg. She's in crappy waitland and I know what that is like. I could have so much to share and I haven't been.
Lori. This one is a confession of the horriblest. Lori is not cycling and since I'm all so super in cycle, I'm not paying attention as much as I could. It's like if someone isn't talking about ttc, I'm not reading. But I love Lori and I do read her posts, but I'm just like "next" because I want to suffocate myself with other people's ttcness. Lori, I'm so sorry.
Pamela. Kind of the same thing with what I said about Lori, but kind of not. I've been coming to my own terms that I may give up in August without conceiving. And PJ's posts, especially her latest, has really touched me. And scares me. And then I feel like I'm lame for putting myself in any of those shoes because I have two children. And I feel guilty.
Katie. Katie is pregnant. And she's been a really good friend for a very long time. And I'm almost completely ignoring her pregnancy. Simply because it's hard for me. Good fuck Nancy, buck it up and support someone else. This is one of the biggest examples of my selfishness.
All my now-pregnant bloggers. I still catch up on the pregnant updates, but I just can't comment all the time. I don't know if the guilt from not commenting is worse or the heartache I feel from spending more time with them so I can comment. My self suckitude quotient is ridiculously large.
There are more, but those are the top ten in my head at this very moment. And to all of you, I'm sorry. I know I need to be more attentive and this lack of commenting on my end will hopefully get better.
Updated .... After an extensive search for my ticket into court, I find it's scheduled for MONDAY. At 8:30am. So throw that into my Monday schedule (Court, Acu, ET, ACU) and remove bench warrant from Thursday and no jail time on Sunday. That's nice.
Damn. The story of The Mod Squad going to jail before they had a dozen cells would have been awesome. ~wink~
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Secondly, I picked option 1. After I explained that I really ~do~ have a limited time schedule, he understood why I wouldn't want to do a whole new fresh FET cycle when I'm just going to do a June IVF. He thinks this is the least probable for my little embryos, ~but~, it IS possible. I'm not just throwing them away.
Seriously, a whole new cycle with FET and then maybe not getting any farther with lining than I am now OR them not even surviving - that would kill me.
I need to complete a cycle. Even with a smaller chance. If this doesn't work, I'll make more. I want this to work. I hope this works. But I need to use what I've got before next fresh and no better time than right now.
Waiting on word for PIO instructions.