You win uterus.

I answered in the comments of my last post, so excuse me for repeating myself. The nurse called after talking to my doctor and he wants me to come in to be seen. Apparently af on hiatus for four months is something to get checked out over.

I don't even need the damned thing anymore so I guess she's feeling a little left out. Can you blame her? For 30 odd ttc cycle months and 27 pregnancies months, she was center of attention. And now? Nothing at all. So she does the only thing she can do, which is stop working. All I ask for is a light period every 28 or so days. That's not much to ask, is it? I've only skipped a period for one month in my entire menstrual career, besides the pregnant ones. So missing four in a row is a biggie for me. Don't get me wrong, I'm perfectly content in skipping all of my periods until I die, but the doc must think I'm a little too young for that to happen. I wonder if its caused by the adhesion bands he found last time.

So, my appointment is next Wednesday. I bet I will even get a date with the monkey wand. Fun times I tell you! I thought this period of my life was finally over but being IF wins again. Now tell me, how can IF win when the game isn't even being played anymore?
Maybe I'm pregnant. Ha! I won't even pee in a stick for that one. I can't fathom being the 1% that gets pregnant with having the essure product placed. So what every good IFer does, I wait.


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do I need to call my ob?

I haven't had a period in almost four months. Should I call the doctor? Or should I just consider myself lucky and let it go?

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What's your favorite season?

I love summer, but I'm definately ready for fall. Growing up in phoenix, I never really experienced fall. It was more like summer and then winter. No in betweens.

I love warm days and cool nights. I love the colors of the changing leaves. I love the smell of the crisp evening air. I love to wear jeans and a cardigan.

What about you? What is your favorite season?

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My husband.

I don't talk about my husband much on my blog. I am so open about myself, telling you all my deepest, darkest secrets, but I like to keep one thing private. That would be my relationship with my husband. I do mention him from time to time, but he is just someone I don't want to share with the public. Not because it is anything bad. In fact, it is quite the opposite.

This evening though, I want to dedicate a post to him. My husband's name is Tom. And he is my very best friend in the world. I couldn't imagine my life without him. Not only is he a fabulous father, he's a fabulous husband. I love him beyond comprehension. He does have his faults, like we all do, but they are few and far between. I love him dearly. No one from my past even comes close to how wonderful he is.

Tom is my best friend. Tom is my lover. Tom is my partner in everything we do. Tom is my soul mate. I can't believe I found such a man, much less a man who was willing to marry me. He sticks with me through the bad and comes out shining on the other side. Tom is amazing. Tom is everything I could ever ask for in a husband and then more. Tom is also gorgeous, which is a nice thing too. Tom is my light through my darkness. Tom is my husband, my love.

I love you Tom. More than I could ever put into words. Thank you for being by my side. You're amazing.


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Grumble.

I fucking hate backhanded comments. I just got one, which I promptly deleted, but it still pissed me off.

What's with people lately? If you don't like someone, why read and post on their blog? If you do post, just say what you want to say instead of pretending to he nice but actually saying something shitty? I'd rather get a straightforward comment then a backhanded one. I'd have to say I hate passive aggressiveness as one of the worst things out there.

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Its all over

My tooth is gone. And Yay for IV sedation to get through an oral surgery without feeling a thing. I'm quite sore now, but its not too bad. I can handle this.

The hole I feel in the back of my mouth is strange but you can't really see it when I open my mouth to laugh. And you can't see it at all when I smile. That's a relief. I don't have to feel embarrassed. I don't know when I will be able to afford a replacement tooth so for now, I will just leave that space empty.

Thanks for all the good luck wishes. They seemed to have helped!

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Wish me luck.

I have my oral surgery tomorrow morning at 9:30. It should be a piece of cake because I'm getting IV sedation. The recovery will be the worst of it.

I'm going to miss my tooth. We've been through a lot together!

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What a strange comment.

I just received a comment on a post that was months and months ago. It was a picture post which one of the pictures showed karl's little naked butt.

The comment was "rude or not, why would you put a picture of your baby's naked butt on the internet. No one wants to see that. And why would you embarrass your own child?"

I didn't know it was possible to be offended by a baby's butt. Apparently, someone was. How crazy is that? Of course the commentor was anonymous. I fnd it humorous that people feel free to be bitchy when hiding behind the anonymous capability.

I'm pretty opinionated and outspoken. (gasp!) But ve never hid behind an anonymous comment. I think anyone who does so is a pussy. If you've got something to say, say it behind your own name. If you don't feel comfortable enough to use your name, you probably shouldn't be leaving a comment at all.

Now I want to post tons of naked baby butt pictures!

What about you? Do you get rude and hateful comments from people who are too chicken shit to leave their names?


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Six.

All my jeans were in the washer and I needed a pair to wear. So I pulled off the top pair and they just looked too small, but I tried them on anyway.

They fit! Size six baby. I'm more than surprised but very happy with myself. I've been dancing around the house and checking out myself in the mirror. I'm such a dork. But I'm a skinny dork!

Sorry to be tooting my own horn here, but I'm just plain excited about it. I have eight more pounds to lose before I'm done with my dieting. I hope I can get there before my 20th class reunion. Who doesn't want a rockin body to show off?

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If...

If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?

For me, I'd have a house on the beach. Maybe one of the Hawaiian islands.

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A question for those who cosleep.

For those out there who cosleep, when do you have sex with your hubby?

Our sex life was much different before we had kids. We used to have sex anytime, anywhere. Now that most of our time is spent with our children, sex happens in our room after the kids go to bed. Much of it happens in the moments before falling asleep when we go to bed.

So to those that cosleep, I actually have two questions.

#1 - when/where do you have sex? Does cosleeping put a damper on your sex life?

#2 - do you go to bed when the baby goes to bed? Our kids go to sleep hours before we go to bed, so how does that work for you? Do you lay down in bed with them until they go to sleep and then get up, leaving them in your bed? Or do you just go to sleep when they do?

Thanks for answering such a personal question!

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Home births

Robin mentioned home birthing in her comment to my last post. It is one of those things I also feel strongly about.

I get why people want homebirths but it is another one of those things that are risky. Sure, most of the time they go off without a hitch but why would people risk something happenening? If I had Karl at home, I would have died. No ifs ands or buts. I would have bled to death and I would have left three children without a mother.

What do you think of home births?

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Co sleeping dangers.

I just read in the news of a baby dying due to cosleeping with his mother. The parents said they've always coslept and thought they were safe because they were such light sleepers and very aware of their child in bed with them. But tragedy struck them when the baby was accidentally suffocated.

How horrible. This poor family. They are going to have to live with the fact they killed their child for the rest of their lives.

Cribs are the best place for sleeping babies. Its beyond me why parents risk it just because its easier for them to breastfeed. I can't imagine the guilt this family will feel forever. It can happen in the blink of an eye. I seriously don't understand why anyone would cosleep.

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Monday, bloody Monday.

First off, thank you all for the birthday wishes! A lot of you commented here and I got bunches of Facebook happy birthday wishes. My birthday was great because of all of you. So thank you. From the bottom of my heart.

I went to the dentist this morning and got some bad news. My bad tooth is now infecting the bone. Which means I need to get it pulled. Lame. Its my very back bottom molar so I'm going to have to get some sort of replacement. I'm scheduled to get it out next thursday. Fun times.

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Happy birthday to me.

Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be a big 38 years old. How I'm inching closer to 40 astounds me.

My husband and I just went to a wedding. It was a full catholic mass. In Spanish. I'll leave it at that.

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Weight loss

There's one good thing about being really depressed. Weight loss! Yay?

I was 148 a few months ago and now I'm 138.5. Woot.
I'll probably gain it all back when I'm through with this, but for now, i'll take it!
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The thing about opening up...

Is that everyone knows.

My mother in law came over today and she talked to me about how I've been feeling. She broke down crying and so did I. I can't tell you how embarrassed I am.

I know my husband is dealing with this too and he needs someone to talk to. I'm glad he can open up with his parents but then again, I wish they didn't know. I just wish I could just be a good wife and mother in their eyes. Them knowing my secret makes me feel like I've failed them and their son. I know she supports me though. And that's a good thing. I just have to get over my embarrassment.

Why can't my brain behave itself? I hate this. I really do.

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Mood swings

I wish I could report I was better, but I'm still having periods of extreme lows. With that, I'm also having periods of feeling good. I wish my brain would kick into permanent goodness. That would rock.

Besides all of you, my friends and husband has flooded me with support. I couldn't imagine going through this alone. I'm so lucky to have such a support group around me. I hope others out there have read my story and has gotten the gumption to open up about how they are feeling. You are right, its nothing I should be embarrassed about. Its not a character flaw. Its an illness that can't be helped.

Right this instant in feeling good. Maybe it'll stay this way. I certainly hope so.

I wanted to thank you once again for the support you've shown me. It was hard to speak up about how dark I was really feeling. And you all understood me and didn't judge. It was more than I could ever ask for.

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Strange

It's strange to be face to face with someone you barely know and spill all your innermost secrets. But I did it. I told him exactly what I've been thinking and feeling. When I told him I had been feeling everyone would be better off with me dead, it didn't even phase him. I guess I expected a reaction, instead he just asked if I had a concrete plan on how to do it.

After all was said and done, he gave me a new prescription of the same medication I've been on, except he doubled the dose. He said it would take about a week to kick in and told me if I wasn't feeling better after the week was through, I'm to come back in. No appointment necessary.

So we'll see how I do. I hope it works.

Have I told you all how much you mean to me? All of your comments were so heartfelt. Wow. You are all so amazing. I'm a lucky girl to have so many people care about me.

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I'm embarrassed

Thank you for all your heartfelt comments. I'm utterly embarrassed for saying everything I've said to you but I guess I needed to get it all out. I never thought this would be me, but my stupid brain has me all confuddled. I hate it.

I read all of your comments and I am so lucky to have all of you in my life. Really. I'm going to see my doctor in a few hours and I promise ill be up front about everything I've been thinking and feeling. I'm scared to say it aloud but I know it needs to be discussed. I've never felt so low before in my life. I know ill get through it though. At least I hope I will.

i'll pop in for an update when I get back. Until then, thank you all so much.

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Appointment tomorrow.

I have an appointment with the psychiatrist tomorrow morning. Letting him know how bad is is getting to me. Thoughs and plans of suicide is scary. I even know how ill do it to make the least mess. Seems my depression came back with a vengeance this time.

Let me try to explain the fantasies of my suicide. When I'm not acting like me, I turn into myself. I can't eat, drink, take a shower. The smallest of tasks like making my kids breakfast just overwhelm me. I cry all day, wallowing in my own self pity. I can't seem to get out of it. I have one to two anxiety attacks each and everyday. Sometimes so bad, I can't function.and its around these feeling where I wish I was dead. But I can't leave my children so that's off the plate. But I do fantasize about them. No one would have to keep their eye on me, doing all the work I can't do for my own family. I just feel I'm more of a burden on them alive then I would be dead.

This has gone on for quite some time now and I'm at the end of my rope. Litterally. My husband is such a better dad than I am a mom and I know its this stupid brain shit. I want to be my old self again. I want to enjoy my family instead of focusing on being a good mom like I used to be. Is that to heard to ask? I know they'll be fine with ought my as they have a wonderful rather. But even then, they'll never undershtand the loss of me. And they may never forgive me. I love them all so much. So much that I don't understand how I can do this to them.

So we'll see what the doctors say tomorrow. Maybe there is something new I can try. I never. Wanted to die before. This is defiately new territory.


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And now for something serious.

I spent the whine day crying' thinking of wasy to kill myself. I'm down, really down. I have a gun I could do it wit but three children in my life is what stoops me. And that it. Those three kids need a mom.they need me

How do I make it past somethin as hard core as this

I'm scared.

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