Hello Internets!

I hate the word "internets". Yet I used it in my title. And a little thing about me is I never ever edit what I've written. Hell, I rarely proof read. I betcha couldn't tell over the years, eh?

Well, my best friend was here and ~whew~. I'm exhausted. Hauling around 3 of my children around the state acting as tour guide is hard! BUT ... totally worth it. I wouldn't change anyday.

*Friday*

They came into town an entire day early, which flew me into a panic trying to get everything ready. Then my blackberry reset itself and I lost all my contacts which was also panicking. (Julie, I missed your party on saturday because of them coming in early and I couldn't call you because of my freaking phone. I am so very sorry to simply be a no-show. Forgive me!)

*Saturday*

They had driven the entire day before (from phx) so we chilled out and the kids got to know one another a bit. Then they took off to a ghost town museum while mine napped and we had a chill evening with lots of pizza and talking.

*Sunday*

Zoo day. Got there late morning and stayed hours. Then we went home and I made my famous award winning chili (Okay, so I've entered one contest and won first place, so I'm calling it award winning!) and she made her famous cheesecake. AND, after knowing her for, um, 19 years, being there for one another through everything, I introduced her to her husband (karl) and was there within hours of his sudden death (35 weeks pregnant to boot). She flew in for just a day to be there for me to try on my wedding dress. I flew out there to attend showers, etc. Let's just say are best friends for a reason. And finally, after all that, I got her secret cheesecake recipe. This is huge. And I'll take it to my death.

*Monday*

Denver. Shopping for the girls (I spent too much at urban outfitters) and fast as fuck gokarts for the boys (60mph!). Lunch at pf changs. yum. Came home and I bbq'd for everyone. Butter burgers. Oh yes.

*Tuesday*
LONG, tiring day. Went first to Bishop's Castle, which is a real castle this guy has been building, by hand, my himself, since 1969. I highly suggest this destination. The kids loved it. I'm scared of heights (metal, spiral staircases going up to the heavens)...



So while the kids went climbing all over the place, I stayed at the bottom with karl ...



The we went to the Royal Gorge and did the touristy thing. It was SO freaking cold and windy! We were all in shorts and tank tops so I was forced to buy the girls (and myself) sweatshirts. I bet those gift shops made bank that day.

*Wednesday*

Ryan and her family packed up and left about 3pm. Two seconds later the sky opened up and dumped a foot of rain and a bunch of hail on us. It was awesome.

This picture has nothing at all to do with the story, but it's funny. This is a sign in old colorado showing where you can't skateboard and fun stuff like that. Notice the bottom shows the grey portions to be the areas affected by the ordinance. Then notice how much of the map is colored grey. Heh.



I was exhausted, but had a show to go to. My wonderful friend Laurel babysat the troop while we went to see The Supersuckers. It was awesome...



*cha*cha*cha*

Heh. The story behind cha cha cha is funny and any supersuckers fans out there will get it. But it's not one of those explainable things.

I may have mentioned I went to the Mile High Music Fest with our friends Pete and Laurel. I just downloaded some of the pictures. Here are The Black Keys. They FUCKING RULE...




So there. I've been a busy out of work girl. I'll catch up with all of you soon, but I've got a full day tomorrow (pedicure! waxing!) which culminates in seeing Sonic Youth. Then I get up bright and early and hop on a plane to St Petersburg, Florida. Yay. Beach. Sun. Nothing to do except avoid being eaten by a shark. I. Can't. Wait.

I'm here! I'm here!

My best friend has been in town and just left a few minutes ago. I need some time to chill and I'll come back and tell you all about my few days.

Just letting you know I'm alive! :) :) :)

I was fine.

I just went into the office to turn in my laptop and to clean out my pc's file. As I started deleting my email files, from, oh, 1997, I started sobbing.

A few friends of mine, d & l, sat with me even though I was a mess. Good boys.

When it was time to leave, I made no grand exit. No big email saying goodbye. When people wanted to walk out with me, I politely refused, asking if I could just walk out alone. They complied.

I told my coworker, e, that I was to turn everything into him and I had, but "i'm not giving you my badge. you can fight me for it.". He gave no argument.

I just made it home and promptly threw up.

"The IF line stare" ... and a question for you.

Our girl soapchick (may be private blog, i'm not sure) is 6dp3dt transfer today and I was just typing to her about poas. (which my comment is translating into a post, so excuse the repeats if you happened to read my comment there.) (I speak parenthetical too much. (but i'm a programmer and it's my nature (so nested comments are normal to me)) I know.)

Which brought up so many memories and most of all, how my very last cycle, C39, made me change quite a few views about POAS.

Two big views have changed...

1. digital hpts suck.

~ Okay, digitals still suck in the fact I can't do the "if line stare", which I will speak to in just a few moments. But I used to think digitals didn't pick up hcg until later, like, um, 50 (and hell, online girls say 100), but it said "pregnant" with a beta of 15. The beta was taken 2 hours after my bfp on the clear blue easy digital. So those suckers are SENSITIVE.

2. 12dpo (or 9dp3dt / 7dp5dt ~ish. IVF dpos don't translate exactly) are indicative of a BFN.

~ If someone got a BFN at or after that time, I wouldn't do the "maybe it's just too early" dance with them. I would support them, but no false hope. Or as I used to call it, no stuffing puppydogs and rainbows up their butts. Although I knew 'late implantation' was possible, it was just too rare to even make it a part of your calculation. Sure, it isn't over until AF sings, but in 95% of cases (yes, I'm making that number up), it was over with a 12dpo bfn.

~ And then I got a bfp at 11dp3dt (14~ish dpo) when I had gotten a clearly bfn at 10dp3dt (13~ish dpo). Was I the statistical rarity? Or was I the proof it happened more often than I thought? I'll never know. The numbers were right, I know that. I ~did~ have late, super fucking late, implantation. The nurse at my clinic even has my rising beta chart taped above her desk with the words "miracles do happen". I know we beat lots of odds, but maybe it happens enough to work this kind of hope into the calculation of the "maybe it's just early" debate.


POAS early and often.

I've always poas early. I had two very simple reasons.

1. I could possibly get an early BFP.
~ Instead of obsessing all day and waiting for days, I wanted to know immediately. I wanted to celebrate immediately. Even if things went wrong, as I always knew they could, I wanted to celebrate being pregnant for as long as I could. Although I got a late bfp with karl, I got a 10dpo bfp with allison. or maybe it was 11dpo.) That was 2-3 days more of celebration. 2-3 days less obsessing.

2. It helped ease the blow of the "real" BFN.
~ I'd start poas ridiculously early. Like too early to ever get a bfp. I'm talking 8dpo here. So that first bfn was never hard on my heart, it was expected. Then everyday, as my chances went up a tiny bit, the same amount of hope faded. So it was like getting the heartbreak in little bites instead of it being shoved in your face. I've had 36 BFNs, as there was never a cycle I didn't poas, so for me, this worked. Let me show you mathematically. (and I'm making up the numbers here, but it'll work for my explanation)

Let's say at 8dpo, if cycle worked, I'd have a 1% chance of an hpt coming up bfp and 99% of it showing bfn. So when I got that bfn, 1% of my hope would also be gone with it.
8dpo minus 1% of hope = 99% chance of hope left.
9dpo minus 25% of hope = 75% chance of hope left.
10dpo minus 40% of hope = 60% chance of hope left.
11dpo minus 75% of hope = 25% chance of hope left.
12dpo minus 95% of hope = 5% chance of hope left.
13dpo minus 98% of hope = 2% chance of hope left.
14dpo minus 99+% of hope = less than 1% chance of hope left.

You see how everyday my hope would go down by chunks? For me that was MUCH easier for me than to get all my hope squashed on one day.

And something to note - my chart never worked backwards. Well, in a sense, it did. Let me explain. If I waited until 14dpo because AF hadn't started, I'd actually feel like I had a 99% chance of it being a BFP. My hope would go higher and higher and higher each day, feeling like the whole waiting thing actually had something to do with the results. Like the whole "if pregnant" part didn't compute anymore - waiting somehow increased the actual aspect of getting pregnant. I would have a huge failure and it broke my heart.

I think that last statement is the reason many girls don't poas early actually. Because they know of that ~huge~ disappointment at the end and thinking that each day's bfn would feel that harsh. Had I only known of that last failure's heartache, I'd never think I'd want to do it daily. But for me, it was so much easier because getting a bfn when I actually expected a statistical bfn wasn't as harsh. I wasn't ever crushed when I did it this way like I was when I waited. It sucked, sure, I'm not going to say it was fun. But getting a little teeny tiny bit of poison put in my pudding everyday was much easier to swallow than drinking an entire cup of poison on the last day.


The IF Line Stare

I'll admit it, I did the IF Line Stare. Oh yes. Let's count the ways ...

~ Making a deal to NOT look at it until the 3 minutes are up
~ Staring at it entire time, not looking away
~ Taking it out of the trash can hours later
~ Taking it out of the trash can outside because I threw it away, telling myself it was the only way I wouldn't fish it out of the trash
~ Hold it up to the light
~ Hold it up to the sunlight
~ Hold it against a whiter background
~ Scan it and invert colors (look at the negative)
~ Save each and every bfn for the entire cycle, comparing bfn to bfn, trying to decipher if one bfn was more or less of a bfn from previous day's (or hour's) bfn.


The question for you ...

Admit your worst case of the IF Line Stare. Come on you poas-ers ... what did you do? Anything more than me? I know I'm one of the 'worst' cases out there (but at least I can admit it, right?)

I guest posted.

I meant to put this up yesterday, but I was a guest poster over at Jen's, Tale of Two Coins blog.

I decided to do a fashion list. Yes. ME. heh.

Really?

Blogspot sure has some fun word verifications. I generally hate them with a passion, but once in a while you have to fill one out that just makes you laugh. This is the word verification I just got on the beautiful Io's blog, Who Shot My Stork.

Ammunition.

Doesn't a post entitled "ammunition" seem like it's going to get down and dirty and schnarky? heh. I simply didn't want to say "bullets" again for this type of fill-me-in post.

So. The shit in my life has taken over. I'm not actually too busy to blog, I'm just too lazy and depressed to blog. And then I get too far behind and I think of all the wonderful people (you) who are keeping tabs on me, which makes me know I need to go catch up and support you, which overwhelms me, which makes me watch another episode of "nurse jackie" or whatever else I have DVRd. It's a vicious cycle.

My life isn't totally shit though, there are lots of good things about it. I bet most people looking in wouldn't even realize the bad state I'm truly in, as I ~think~ I'm hiding it well, which of course backfires on me when my true feelings suddenly pop out and the other person doesn't understand what the fuck is up with me.

This may be long, but as lengthy as I am when I type, I'll try my best to be brief but to also catch you up on everything.

~ Death Cab For Cutie was awesome. Tom doesn't like them, as they are quite emo, so he wore his "fuckemos" (a texas punk band) shirt in protest. But he was a good sport. I think Ben's voice is beautiful. My wonderful friend E's husband is their tour manager and we got vip tickets, meaning we got to sit in the roped off area adjacent to the sound board, so we we had lots of room and a fabulous view of the show. I got super loaded and we ate at ihop before going home. Happy anniversary to us.

~ The braces bunch girls are awesome.



I've received a few cards and notes in the mail recently and I couldn't be happier about it. Something about the fact these girls took the extra time and energy to send a card is just amazing. So THANK YOU bb girls. I promise I will turn around and support you all right back someday. But for right now, just know you really did something to brighten a shitty day.

~ No word on hep c yet. I have an appointment for a blood test early next week.

~ My tooth. Holy shit. In pure nancy-luck fashion, a toothache has turned into a $4,000 headache. Let me just give the quick rundown.
- Over a decade ago, one of my molars (tooth a) cracked while eating nachos. NACHOS.
- Got a root canal.
- Root canal got infected and had to get it redone.
- A few years later, the tooth behind it (tooth b) started hurting. Tooth A's root canal was failing and it infected tooth b.
- Tooth A is pulled (can't redo it a 3rd time)
- Tooth B gets a root canal
- The tooth in front of tooth a (tooth b), gets drilled down to fit a temporary bridge.
- Tooth A's "hole" won't stop bleeding. I'm paging dentist. No answer. I'm bleeding a lot. I filled up 2 water bottles with spitting blood within an hour. Hubby makes me go to ER. Emergency oral surgery at 1am from a very understanding dentist the hospital paged removes temp bridge and stitches me up.
- I go to my dentist next day and he's an asshole. Says I'm too swollen now to do anything. Doesn't apologize for not answering page.
- I develop dry socket on tooth a's hole. Most painful thing ever.
- I come in to get bridge fit and dentist goes to give me shot and I flinch, as the dry socket pain was indescribable. He gets flustered at me flinching, yells "god damn it!", stands up quickly which makes the little stool he was sitting on fall to the ground. He takes off his gloves, throws them down and stomps out. I am so shocked at his behavior I break out in tears. Nurses say he's an ass and they fit my bridge themselves without any novocaine for the exposed root of tooth c.
- I file complaint with state board and to my surprise, it's taken seriously. It goes to trial and dentist loses his licence for a year. Not for him being an asshole, but for not answering his page when I was bleeding. They looked at that as he put me in a life threatening position.
- Which leads to last week. Tooth B hurt. My root canal is now failing and infected. Dentist sends me to entodontist. My body is rejecting my tooth. I am told I need to get back molar (tooth b) pulled. Bridge cut off at tooth C (leaving the crown on shaved down tooth) and an implant inserted in the hole for tooth a and tooth b. OR I can just replace tooth a. Silly me wants all my teeth. Except it's $4,000 per implant. So looking to at least replace tooth b.
- Oral surgeon to pull tooth b. Endodonist to place implant in my jaw bone. Dentist to fit crown on implant. Estimated $4,000.

~ My foot isn't healing as quickly as I think it should. Saw surgeon today and he said "this sometimes happens" and explains that I'm still severely bruised. Gave me pain patches to go right on foot so my tummy isn't torn apart from even more ibuprofen. I go back in 2 weeks.

~ Going to Mile High Music Festival this weekend with some of our best friends. I am so excited to see The Black Keys, Incubus and Tool. Ben Harper is playing at same time as the black keys, so I'll miss him, but I'm still super hyped.

~ Family is good. I put up pictures and news on my other blog.

~ There are so many bloggers I am missing right now. You all know who you are.

~ Which brings me to thanking you all, once again, for the comments. I read EACH AND EVERY ONE of them and honestly, sometimes that's what gets me through a day. I can't list all of your names here in this post, but I could. I know who is supporting me and gosh, I feel so shitty I'm not doing the same for all of you. You guys have been my rock through a lot. And while I understand shit I'm going through isn't too bad, shit being piled on top of shit is starting to look like an impossible mountain for me to climb. So thank you. From the bottom of my heart. Thank you for commenting. I appreciate each and every one of you. And can't believe some of you still take the time to comment to me when it seems like I'm not responding to you. But I swear that I know each and everyone of you who is commenting and I can't thank you enough for being my friend.

Eight Years.

Today is my 8 year wedding anniversary.

Leaving in a few to go see DCFC at red rocks. A friend of mine is close with the band and got me on the guest list, so what's better than a ~free~ show? Especially when I am jobless.

Have a good night everyone. If you haven't read the comments from the last post, do it. It's fucking hilarious.

Cursing

1. What is your favorite curse word?

2. What is your least favorite?

At least it got me laughing.

Your commments on my last post were about the funniest comments ~ever~. About 95% of you used "fuck" in some form. That's AWESOME.

I got orders for blood tests. But the virus takes up to 6 weeks to show, so if I go in now, I still have to get a second test done. I'm wondering why I should go get a first one if I still have to get a second.

This just can't be happening.

But, I'll get through it, regardless of what the outcome is. I can't panic before it happens, right?

Crud.

Article in paper today about this surgical tech knowingly infecting people with hepatitis C. She's been arrested and they are notifying all the patients who got surgery during her time there.

I just got my letter.

Why, hello there.

This whole job loss thing has really gotten to me. I haven't been doing much of anything, which includes blogging. And my to-read list in reader has gotten me overwhelmed. So I've got a plan.

~ I received an email from our Sarah (Saraphim from "oh, the possibilities!") whom is dealing with her father in the hospital, prepping for open heart surgery on Monday. She asked me to take over her list on Lost & Found (pregnancy loss, m-z) while she is out, which of course I agreed to without hesitation. So well wishes to Sarah's father and I'll start scanning her list of blogs today.

~ I'm wiping my reader clean to start a-new. It maxed out at "1,000+" posts to read, and well, that's just too much for my brain.

Yeah. That's my plan. Pretty complicated, eh?

it's just so damned irritating.

Sitting here in my living room, windows open to feel the cool colorado night breeze, I am forced to listen to the constant bang of fireworks.

Awesome.

Why oh why do people feel it necessary to light them off days before the 4th of july? Even if I didn't have kids sleeping, I'm still irritated having to listen to it. And of course, they wait until it's completely dark, which is around 9pm, to set them off. Don't people understand that nighttime is when a lot of people are trying to relax and go to sleep??

Even when I'm not cranky from losing my job and being stressed out beyond belief - I still hate having to listen to it. Every year, each and every pop grates my nerves. Hey, I like fireworks too, I even bought a big bag of them today. Call me crazy, but I wait until the 4th to light them off.


And yes, I'll be the first to admit when I'm a humongous hypocrite. I'm complaining about this when at our last party, I was the one pushing my husband to light m-80s inside the crushed soda can to re-inflate it. But I will protest a little bit. The random firecracker is one thing. Everyone and their mom lighting off on after another on july 2nd is another.