You know the feeling

when you just ~know~ someone doesn't like you? Even without knowing said person, you can just sense it?

I sense that with someone in this IF blogosphere. I sense it hardcore. And I wonder why. We've only crossed paths a few times and they weren't negative. Well, it ~was~ controversial, but not negative. At least I didn't think it was. Maybe she was lying when she said she wasn't upset over my words. ~shrug~

Just something I noticed. I'm not going to point this person out or anything. The reason for this post was not to tell who she is. Nor is it for her to even read it, cause I'd doubt she's reading this anywho - if I'm right, she doesn't like me anyway. Nor do I need something "fixed" between us, no matter what that could be. Of course it bothers me, or I wouldn't even be typing this. But it's not bothering me in a hurtful way. It's bothering me in a "why in the world" way.

If you've been with me for awhile, ~especially~ back in my 6/2006 - 7/2007 blog, you'd KNOW I have some haters. And unfortunately, I have that hate right back with some. I wish I was more mature with some things, but I'll be the first to admit to something, and I'll admit I am childish in some ways. But for the most part, I can let things go pretty easily. Except when I'm taunted w/ misinformation. Boy of boy, I can't stop myself then. I can't just ignore - I have to post it and go through, point by point, why their taunting is wrong. Hey, hate me if you'd like, but hate me for the right reasons. There is nothing more I can't stand than to be misinterpreted.

I am outspoken. And I'm not shy. Therefore, it's led to me hurting feelings when it wasn't my intent. I just think everyone is like me and can hear negative information about themselves and not take it as being mean. Especially friends. I never want there to be something unspoken between us. So if I see that they are doing something that isn't the greatest, I'll tell them, even if it's something that is tough to hear. See, ~I THINK~ in the end, they'd rather have a few moments of being uncomfortable if it meant that they could change their behavior for the better. It's usually they are doing something they have NO IDEA hurts me and/or others. So I point it out, just assuming they'll get it. They'll acknowledge that even though they didn't MEAN to do/say the hurtful thing, they certainly don't want to continue doing it. And sometimes it IS uncomfortable for them. No one likes being told they are doing something unsavory. Sometimes it takes explanation on my end to get over the hurtful initial feeling, but I can usually successfully explain how it was all with loving intent. If I didn't care about the person, I wouldn't waste my breath.

Every now and again, it goes all wrong. They get immediately defensive and they can't break down the wall they built so hastily. I don't know if it's because they've been hurt before, so when anything negative comes their way, they can't even begin to understand how it wasn't meant to hurt them, instead meant to help them. Some back away after the conversation. Some even attack back. Those are the most painful for obvious reasons. It is usually something that others have felt or would feel, but I was the only one who had the balls to say it. And I said it because I didn't want our friendship, or the other friendships to suffer. But instead, I get attacked in response, usually in below the belt manners. I've had private things thrown back at me. I've had stories, complete fabrications thrown back at me. I've been called names and I've been called other things. All because I didn't want us to have any bad feelings between us, even if they didn't know of the bad feelings.

Let me ask - if ~you~ were hurting one of your friends with your comments about something, wouldn't you want to know? Let's say you just got a promotion. A big promotion. And you were understandably excited about it. Let's say you got a lot of money and you started lavishing gifts on all your friends. You'd pick up the check when you all went out and when there were protests, you'd say "Don't worry, I can afford it now!". You kept telling everyone how HARD you worked for it and how much you deserved it. This was a big accomplishment for you and you wanted to share it with your friends.

Now, let's say one of your friends was, unknowingly to you, trying to get that same job. She was also working super hard for it, in fact, she'd been working for it longer than you. You had no idea! But she comes to you and asks you to tone it down in front of her. That you buying her things was really making her feel bad? I could tell you that it would hurt my feelings at first, because I know all my gifts and picking up the check was because I loved my friends, not just because I was proud of myself. So my first reaction would be to feel she was simply being ungrateful of my generosity, since I had also been working hard for the job. But after thinking about it for a moment and putting myself in her shoes, I could understand where she's coming from. It's not that she's not happy for me, it's that my happiness came with her own failure, so celebrating my success to her is simply hard. I could understand that. What I wouldn't do would be to simply call her ungrateful and to suck it up and enjoy my success. But yet, it's happened to me, me being the one who didn't get the job. I've been called those names. No matter how much I could protest her allegations - that I'm ~not~ upset she got the job, since she also deserved it. I'm just really sad that after so much hard work, I didn't get the job. She said she understood, but I heard later that when she went to lunch, she told everyone about how ungrateful I was.

Whew. Can you tell that's still a sore subject for me? See, there are some things I can't let go. There are some things I'm obviously not being mature enough to allow to just let it stop bothering me. But at least I know why the promotion girl doesn't like me. Even though I don't know why she couldn't look past her initial defensiveness to see me real intent. But I know WHY we're not talking now. Had I kept my mouth shut, I'd probably still be bothered by her gifts. And this is why I don't like it when I don't know why someone dislikes me. I may not get over the fact they don't like me, but at least I can rest in knowing I know the ~why~.