This pain I have

is ~not~ the kind that I experienced with all my laparoscopies. The laproscopic pain was due to trapped gas and it would "float" UP depending on what position I was in. For instance, standing up would make my shoulders hurt. Laying on my back would make the air "float" to the top of my belly.

This pain is different. I can tell this is fluid because when I am sitting up, it gathers at the bottom of my abdominal cavity. When I was trying to lay down, it would sit on the bottom, whatever was against the bed - and that was the worst. It would lay in a pool along my side and the pain by my lung/shoulder would be the worst. Which makes sense since there is just no room for fluid to hang out up above. Every breath would make me cry out in pain since the expanding lung would force the fluid to be compressed.

So, this is why I have been in a sitting up position for 2 days now, there is room for the fluid in the abdominal cavity where there isn't room when I lay down and it moves up top. These pictures show how bloated my stomach is. My stomach isn't supermodel flat, but it certainly doesn't stick out this much. I seriously look like I did when I was 12 weeks pregnant with Allison. (Or 16 weeks with Ella).



I've been drinking ~tons~ of gatorade. Tons. And low carbs (per nurse) and extra protein. It's seeming to help. I gained about 8 lbs of fluid since surgery, and as of this morning, I'm down 4 lbs. Still quite bloated, but not as bad. Now I think it's just my giant ovaries which need to shrink, which will take some time.

When the nurse called with my fert report, I asked her what the next step was. She told me I was to definitely call with cd1, which due to no progesterone/estrogen, should happen in about a week. Then she said something that made me happy... "If we are going to try to get you ready for the April cycle, we'll be doing all we can to calm down everything." Whew. That means they are going to ~try~ to get me ready asap. If I'm not ready, I understand, for I want to have perfect conditions. But if anyone would really think about my situation, I want to do this as soon as my body cooperates. I'm not going to wait "just in case", like one of the last commenters said. If my body is physically ready and my lining is good, we're going for it. I won't push it if I'm not ready, but I simply do ~not~ have "a couple more months" in me just to wait around. As you all know, we're closing up shop in 5 months. If I wait, then I'm giving up the chance to even try another round of IVF.

I feel lots better today. Hopefully I'm well on my way to recovery. My left ovary still is pretty painful, but I am hoping that's all because it's starting to shrink now.

Thanks to everyone for their support! I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.

To The Mod Squad - I'm thinking of each and every one of you! I'm so happy there are 9 of you. As you will learn, mommy and daddy are both huge baseball fans (go redsox!) and there are 9 players on a team. The number 9 is daddy's lucky number. The number 9 is daddy's birthday. Having 9 of you makes me feel secure that 9 embryos is all we will need. Go nine!

Back from my egg retrieval.

Quick update because I'm in crazy amounts of pain. I just had to get up to pee, so I thought I'd stop at the computer to let anyone who may be waiting for my update, what was going on.

I won't save it to the end ... 15 eggs!!! That was the final count about 1 hour after the procedure, where they were able to count them all. I don't know if these are the mature count (I think it is, as I had more than 15 follicles total, including immature) but I will update tomorrow.

I'm in a lot of pain. My left ovary is the size of a grapefruit and it's causing me to be doubled over. Pain meds have not controlled the pain yet. I'm awaiting another hour so I can take a second dose (although I cheated and took a half dose an hour ago under Laurel's suggestion).

I didn't get to see my husband at all. He dropped me off at the door to take the kids to daycare and I didn't think I'd be going back so quickly. By the time he got back, I was in the sterile surgery room, so I couldn't see him. My wonderful and beautiful friend Laurel, came to meet Tom so he could leave for the airport. He was able to stay until he knew I was done and he got the first count of 11. I'm excited for him to land in Dallas so I can tell him the good news of 4 more! I was wheeled out only 4 minutes after he left, so my heart broke a little there. Laurel was with me though and I did think of all of you too. I took Mel's suggestion and when I was being put out, I imagined you all in the room holding my hand. Thank you for being there.

Laurel was great. She stayed with me for hours until my mother in law could make it here. She just sat quietly, doing god knows what, because she didn't even want to disturb me with the tv. How nice is she? And Jen, thanks for the offer. How nice are you to offer to come down to the Springs just for me? That really touched my heart.

Back to bed I go. Pain pain pain.

To my little eggs - take care and I hope each one of you is able to be fertilized. I will find out tomorrow and if any of you are left to hop into the freezer, I'll tell you the name I have for you. Don't worry about the cold, as we live in colorado and are very active in snow sports, so think of this as getting a leg up on being used to the cold! You have just been fertilized and I already love you all. Be good and momma will get an update on your progress tomorrow. ~butterfly kisses~

Looking for the positives.

I had my day of heartbreak. I had my day of being a little pissed off and getting all my questions of "why" and "what if" answered.

Today is my day of asking the questions about what's going to happen. Today is the day to look towards the future and to keep my eye on the prize. Today is the day to stop feeling sorry for myself and to focus on all I have actually accomplished.

A few questions I've had answered:

Q: Why do you freeze the embryos so soon? I have "heard" it's better to freeze when they have grown for 3-5 days.
A: We have found that the absolute best time for freezing is immediately upon fertilization, before they have started to divide. If they do start to divide, it's better to allow them to go through a few days, but if we get to pick the freezing time, we do it immediately.

Q: What about the thaw survival rate?
A: There is a higher percentage of embryos surviving thaw at this freezing point than the thaw rate of day 5 embryos.

Q: Let's say I have 10 embryos that were fertilized. How many would you thaw to get the two I am wanting to transfer?
A: We would want to thaw them all. ~gulp~

Q: So if most of them survived thaw and most of them grew, we would be "wasting" the extras?
A: Nope. Since they were previously frozen before they divided, they can be frozen again with the same freeze/thaw rates. ~yipee!~

Q: When will I find out how many fertilized since you will be freezing asap?
A: We will call you Saturday morning.

So, I'm feeling better about what's going to be happening. I'm still utterly disappointed I'm not going to transfer next week as we thought. And I have suddenly found it SO HARD to watch all my cycle buddies go to transfer themselves and get to be in their 2ww. And while I'm rooting for each one to be successful, each bfp that I know is coming is going to be a bullet through my own heart (not because they are pregnant, but because I had my chance taken away from me.) So I'm in a weird place.

Have I mentioned how much IF sucks?

Transfer officially ~cancelled~

This is such my luck, why didn't I have it on my radar as a possibility? Why wasn't I ready for this? It hit me so hard because it was simply such a shock.

This morning, the extra day of growth didn't do crap - the thinnest layer of lining was only pushing 6mm, so my transfer has been officially cancelled. There is the thicker part of my lining around 9-10mm, but apparently, it all has to be thick - the one area is the one that matters. Suck.

Regarding my soon to be (hopefully) embryos, they will go to freeze immediately upon fertilization. Apparently the cells are more stable at this point, so freezing them before they grow ends up in a higher percentage of embryos to transfer. That's a good thing, but now I'll be in the dark about how many make it. I already have a name for the group of fertilized embryos, if they make it that far and I'll give that name out once we have them in the freezer.

As for schedule of my FET, it should be April 23rd -May 8th. Our head embryologist travels between offices, so he's only there during pre-scheduled times. This is why our clinic groups everything together. Barring any issues with ER (ohss or anything under the sun), I should be able to go directly into my FET. I just have to get my AF by the 18th to fit into the schedule. That is 3 weeks after ER, so should be okay. If I get AF before the 9th, I just need to go on bcp for a few ~days~. Not a problem. Bottom line, FET should be in about 4 weeks from now. I can handle that.

ER is Friday morning. Yipee. I haven't the heart to be excited.

I'm waiting on the call from my blood work. The nurse said she had a conference call from the out of town doc (the one who measured the thicker part) and the one from today - and they will specifically go over the aspect of my lining being different thicknesses. I'm okay with the decision to move to FET, as I really do want the best landing pad for my embryos, but for peace of mind, I need to know that each RE was in agreement.

So that's that.

Follie report after 6 days of stims. (updated w/ E2)

Today was a strange one.

First, my follie report:
~ lining: 6.4 w/ trilaminar pattern
~ righty: still 8 follies, all over 10mm (he didn't measure each one today)
~ lefty: now has 12, all over 10mm. Woohoo Lefty! Always my overachiever.
~E2: 564 (229 2 days ago, so rule of thumb of doubling E2 levels every 48 hours is good.)
~ Progesterone: .38 which is nice and low and good.

I learned something new (again) about follicular development. I had known the ovaries are never mirrors of each other, but did you know they have each have a different blood source? Righty is given blood from the aorta and Lefty gets it from renal blood. My RE's opinion is that lefty quite frequently makes more/stronger follicles due to the renal blood source is stronger, due to the kidneys processing all the blood. He also talked about that is why acupuncture "works" as it's all about increasing blood flow. He confirmed I was going to acupuncture because he said "it shows". For my age and stimulation day, he's very happy with my response. Yay.

Second, the weirdness.

Well, it's not really weird to me, since I'm already used to it. See, my RE makes inappropriate jokes. The first time I heard him say something (which I can't remember what he said now), I was shocked that he said it, but I was not offended. I'm rarely offended in social situations - I don't embarrass easily. Plus, I don't think there should be general rules in regards to inappropriate comments - when it's said as something funny, it just shouldn't be taken so seriously. The american world of no-tolerance is a bit much for me. I think there is a time and place and sometimes a joke is just what it is. A joke.

Anywho, I come in the waiting room and my RE is out making some coffee for himself. Another patient is talking to him about working out. She asked him what he likes to do and he said "calisthenics and weight lifting".

Me, being the smart ass I am, butted into their conversation and said "You are old school! Don't you know you can do strip tease cardio now?"

Without missing a beat, he said "But that's how I lost my license and now that I got it back, I don't want to risk it!".

The other patient said: "You just have to do it in private."

And he says: "Hey, I get to see you girls naked all the time, it's only fair you get to see me naked!".

Now, I know he was joking and I started laughing. The other patient, however, must have not ever run into one of his comments before. She made little reaction except for turning bright red.

Heh. It was funny if you ask me. What was the funniest was he made a joke that is totally off limits to all OBGYNs and REs: Never make notice over the fact they are looking at you naked. But these little rules never have stopped my RE from making the obvious joke. Good for him.

Follie report after 4 days of stims. (update 2)

I'm actually on day 5 of stims, but I've only completed 4 days.

Lining was 5.4 and was starting the trilaminar pattern.

Lefty had 7 follies and Righty had 8. All were 8-11mm, most of them 10-11mm. RE said there were more follies that look like they could also take off, so Saturday's u/s will be the one to really tell us how many we'll most likely be dealing with.

E2 levels will be called in later once the lab runs the sample. I'll update then.

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Update 1:

I dont want to create lots of new posts today, as I want the one above this to remain on top. So I'll just add to this one as I have new things to say.

I just got today's Tarot card. It's funny: "The Ace of Pentacles card suggests that my power today lies in seeds. I have everything I need to co-create my own reality. I am empowered to nurture and tend to my own garden of purpose. I bring new life into the world. "

heh.

-----
Update 2:

Nurse called with my E2 levels. 229. They were pleased and are keeping my dosage the same.

In regards to E2 levels - this is a number that shows follicle growth. It's the follicles that make the E2, which in turn, helps grow the lining. Particular E2 levels vary from woman to woman, from cycle to cyle - so you can't compare. But, a very rough rule of thumb is: A range of 150-500 is reasonable for the 8th day of a stimulated cycle. Approximately doubling every 48 hours is considered promising as a sign of good follicle development.

So, I am pleased with my levels as of today. Now I get to be excited about the "next" thing, which is my lab/ultrasound this Saturday.

E2 levels are low.

Looks like my E2 levels are a little low. 71.2 when they want to see over 100 after 3 days of stimulation.

But, I'm not really on 'day 3' of stims. Really, I've only completed 2 full days of stims. It's because they started my stims at night, so only menopur was taken on the first "day". The end of my "day" is really in the morning, after I've taken the follistim injection too. Before this morning's draw, I had only completed 2 injections of menopur and 2 injections of follistim, the last dose of follistim being only 20 minutes before blood draw. Since it hasn't really been "3 days" of stims, my RE has decided to leave me on the same dosage until Thursday. He thinks it'll pick up by then, but if it doesn't, we'll be increasing dosage at that point.

It's early in the game, so I'm not too worried. Yeah, it does put some thoughts in my head - if there are "issues" this early, I'm less likely to go through the rest as textbook. All I can do is wait. Which as anyone ttc knows, sucks assholes.

Alrighty, well, it's all done.

Before I get into my own updates, congratulations to my "online" BFF katbug (katie to you), who got her BFP on only her 2nd post m/c ttc cycle. Congratulations Katie! Many sticky vibes for you and the babies. (come on, who are we kidding? A 9dpo bfp that dark?)

As of this morning, I have done the first Follistim injection. The pen does make everything quite easy, but I was right - I didn't like the plunger action. Due to the twisting, it makes it weird to push down. If my thumb was 'tacky' at all, it would stick and that bothers me. It wasn't difficult to push down by any means, just didn't like how it has to twist while going down. No biggie though, nothing I'll fret over - just my initial opinion.

Thanks for the suggestions on the burning of the menopur. It wasn't a big enough issue for me to ~do~ anything about it though. Ice would be too bothersome - more bothersome than the actual sting of the meds. It's really not that big of a deal to me (but I do appreciate the help!).

So that's that. Nothing new to experience medicine-wise this cycle. I'm really glad it's just not that big of a deal to me. I keep thinking how I'll dread doing another cycle if this cycle fails and the thought of doing this "all over again", speaking of the injections only, isn't that bad. Of course, doing another cycle completely broken hearted from the failure of the first will be a whole other story all together.

I'm stimulated.

It's day one of stimulation. I was only to start the menopur today and I'll be adding in Follistim tomorrow morning.

I forgot just how intimidating that 25 gauge, 1 1/2 inch needle is. Sharp as shit though, because it slipped through my skin like my ass was made of soft butter. Hrm, wait a moment, maybe it ~is~ made of butter.

Anywho, the menopur stung a bit going in, but nothing bad. Once the syringe was empty, the stinging was over. I can handle 11-12 more days, no problem. Unless, of course, I get gigantic huge bruises on my ass, in which subsequent injections may suck. But here's to hoping that won't happen.

I'm actually a little worried about the upcoming follistim injection using that damned pen. During "training", it seemed pretty freaking hard to push down, so that's what I'm overthinking now. That I'll have the teensy needle all nestled into my skin and I'll have to use all my power to inject the freaking meds. I'm sure after it's over, I'll roll my eyes about the ease of it's use, but until then, I need something to fret about.

Stim Start appointment.

I had my stim start appointment this morning.

Before I get to the details, it was a great appointment. I saw the main RE today and he was awesome. Besides the huge laughs we shared, I even got a hug. And it was actually a "I really mean it" hug. So that was a feel good moment.

On to the details ...

My insides looked great. Still haven't started AF (although I can feel it approaching) so my lining is sitting at 6.4. There are no cysts present. I have "a lot" of follicles waiting to grow. He didn't count them and he even said he should have, but we were in the midst of laughing during the u/s so he was distracted. He did say he was comfortable that they didn't need to be counted and my blood work will tell what they needed. So baring any unforeseen issues with my blood work, I'm to start stims on Sunday. Two days away!

~ 175 UIs of Follistim in the morning.
~ 2 vials of Menopur in the evening.
~ continue with 10 units of Lupron each evening also

Next appointment will be labs only on day 3 of stims, next Tuesday. My next u/s will be done on day 5 of stims.

Holy moly. This is actually really happening. It really, truly is happening.

300

Post number 300 and just a little thing to say. Nothing like 300 scantly clad men fighting off an entire army.

I've taken my very last birth control pill for this IVF cycle. Now it's time to wait for AF and stims to start this weekend.

"I find myself so excited I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head." (any guesses as to who said that in what movie? no googling the answer!)

and yes, i still am planning on getting back to the adoption post.

2nd injection

I realized my time was due for injection #2 while I was in the middle of reducing a sauce for dinner. I think I got this one finished in 12 seconds - the sauce didn't even stop spinning from my last stir.

I'm a fucking rock star.

Injections in the belly? Bah.

Not a problem.

I asked Tom to watch some household "things" while I was doing my first injection. I was a bit nervous on the whole belly stab.

Took everything out, wipe, wipe, needle pull of air, stick in jar, needle push, needle pull, needle push to right amount, pop out (a little too briskly as some of the precious meds flew out with it), grabbed the belly, ~stick~, push, out, sharps container. Done.

Seriously. 14 seconds at most for the entire thing.

Yeah, yeah, maybe it's because of my "past" (don't you dare!) but there is a big difference in the two. It took like a whole minute for the other thing. (okay, bad joke. ~wink~.)

It was REALLY itchy for maybe 5 minutes. And red and spotty. I googled and saw it was normal and some RE's say to rub some benedryl cream on the site. But, it went away before I could even find it.

So injection #1 went down smoothly. I may think a little differently on injection number 36 or whatever, but or now, I'm good.

I start Lupron tonight!

yay!

Well, not "yay" really. I'm not looking forward to side effects. But ... it's finally here. No more waiting. So "yay" for that.

"The Obligatory Med Picture"

I think it's a rule that anyone going through IVF must take pictures of their med shipment. I wouldn't want to disappoint, so here is mine:

That's 76 needles if anyone is counting. (not including the 28 inside the Follistim boxes). An entire 3 week supply. Oh boy.

Beta = 4.1

Negative. The 4.1 is "most likely" from trigger, so they wanted me to come in for beta#2 in a few days - but I'll be out of town. I have another beta next saturday (don't know why they'd want a second one since my AF would have already started).

We discussed March IVF. If I wasn't going out of town, I could have possibly started THIS MONTH, but with insurance and all that, it'd be a little iffy. So we're going to start suppression with bcp as soon as AF arrives and March 17th will mark when things start to happen. She'll give me a detailed protocol/calendar at my appointment next Saturday.

IVF#1 starts March 17th.

The clinic does their cycles in batches, so next cycle is March 17th. I may be able to sneak in a natural cycle, but the idea of cysts or a long cycle would knock me out of the IVF batch, so that is scary. I'm just going to await cd1 and give the nurse a call. I think they start suppression March 17th, so maybe getting in a cycle wouldn't be too bad. We'll just have to wait and see.

Oh yeah, blood already given. I'll update you with my negative beta later :)

(and the "upbeat" attitude it seems like I have? Yeah - it's fake. My heart is broken. In pieces.)