I'm like the boy who cried wolf.

Seriously.

Me: "It's over. I'm so sad. Support me!"
You all gave me huge support.

Me: "I got a bfp! Forget the tears, I'm happy now!"
You all gave me huge support.

Me: "I think it's ectopic"
You all gave me huge support.

Me: "The doctors now think it's ectopic"
You all gave me huge support.

And now, I have a growing baby ~inside~ my uterus. I'd like to introduce you to my little peapod:

Quality sucks since I don't have scanner here, but I didn't want to skip the photographic evidence! Something that caught my eye today too - my clinic has me at 6weeks, but I am only 5w4d. So that added onto them thinking ectopic because they calculated from LMP, but I calculated from "ovulation". That made the numbers a little worse than they were.

But who cares now, right?

Quick little story ... I was in stirrups, hubby wasn't there yet. They asked if I wanted to wait, but I was so nervous, I just said to go for it. The doc sticks the monkey wand in and says "I see a sac!" and I immediately ask "WHERE?". He points to the screen and says "It's right here. Can't you see this?" And I'm like "Yes, I see the sac, but where is it in my body???" He laughs and says "Oh! Yeah, this is your uterus. Congratulations, let's get a picture for mommy" and he printed out the image I pasted above.

I have made it past a lot of those hurdles and I couldn't be more thrilled. The next hurdle is the heartbeat appointment, which is scheduled for next Friday. Even though they had me at 6w today, they agreed we should wait a few more days to make sure it's late enough for a heartbeat due to the late implantation.

Girls, this is the biggie here ....

Thank you for being here for me. Thank you for cheering me on the ups and hugging me on the downs. I can't tell you how much your comments helped. I know you've all seen people thanking their readers, but I want to hit this one home to you all. Your comments got me through VERY bad days. You girls were my prozac. You girls are what gave me hope. See, I'm a "plan for the worst and if the best happens, it'll be a good surprise" which you already know about me. But when I'm planning for the worst, it's very hard to see that there can still be hope. You girls were my hope. And I appreciate that more than you could ever imagine.

Double Bubble.

I always liked double bubble bubble gum. Mmmmmm. But the thing I like most right now is ... DOUBLING BETA NUMBERS!!!!

My little lowly beta of 15 is now up to 43. I couldn't be happier right now.

I am pregnant. Holy crap. I never thought I'd be saying those words again.

The only thing I am bummed about right now is I'll be losing many of my readers. But hey that's okay if that is what they need to do. Even I admitted that I stopped reading (okay, I still read, I just stopped commenting) all of the pregnancy blogs while I was going around and around on this infertility merry go round. It's fucking hard to read about someone's pregnancy, especially when you are in the throws of treatment. I ~hope~ everyone continues to read me, but if you don't, I'll understand. I can't expect others to do something I couldn't do myself!

This is my 3rd pregnancy though. So this won't turn into an overflowing with pregnancy stuff. I will talk about things, sure. But I think I'm over the fact my boobs will get bigger. Or my shopping day for maternity clothes. It will probably be more of a bitch fest about getting fat, as I'm an early shower to begin with and I can only imagine with #3 will do to me. I'm still going to be sarcastic as all hell and I'll probably revert back into my musings of daily life. So if you want, stick with me, will ya?

~~~

I did want to take a moment to thank the hell out of you all. 80 comments on my BFP post? Holy shit. Really? And I'll tell you, it was thrilling! So thank you.

And thank you for supporting me when I jumped the gun and thought my cycle was over. Here I was, crying in my bowl of Capt'n Crunch and you girls couldn't of been nicer. You were all completely genuine - I knew that so many of you really cared about me. It wasn't fake - it was real. And I felt it from you girls. I felt this love through your words. Overwhelming I tell you. Overwhelming.

And then here I was, 2 days later, changing my story to get congratulations sent my way. What a big jerk I am! But really, I didn't know. I honestly thought it was over. (yeah yeah, all you anti poas-ers can give me all the "I told you so!!!" comments you want. ~wink~). So, I must eat my words. But I have to admit, this is the best plate of crow I've ever had in my life.

Thank you. Thank all of you for being so fucking awesome. (except those anons who are fucking bitches. ~smile~.)

I'm about to turn blue. - Updated w/ bfp progression

How long can someone hold their breath?

I read David Blaine held his breath for a total of 17 minutes and 4 seconds just last month. (of course this was with saturating his blood with pure O2, but details, details, right?)

I have been holding my breath since Friday. And even though this allows me to take a few cheater breaths ...

... I still don't get to exhale and take in a new breath until Monday's return call for the results of beta #2.

As you may be able to tell from the photo above, the line is getting darker. I just can't tell by how much (quantitatively. I can see qualitatively) - and that is what is driving me batty. It looks to coincide with an early pregnancy, or in my case, a late implantation. Low Beta = Light HPT Lines = Late Implantation, but yet, I fret about it.

~~~~

Also - I have a question. If this pregnancy is, in fact, viable, (omg, I'm pregnant) I want a baby widget thing. BUT, these things freak me out. I don't like these creepy bouncing baby thingies. But I also love the fact it shows what the baby is looking like during that week.

Does anyone know of baby widgets (not the tickers, a widget) that isn't so freaky-deaky?

~~~~

Yet another progression with the newest one added to the end.

What I think is so crazy is these tests are only, at most, 12 hours apart. And heck, the time between the two extremes (top and bottom) is only 30 hours. Quite a change for just a day's time, dontcha think?

Note - I am working very strange hours this week. For instance, I had to be in the office the morning at 1:45am - so that is why I have a pee stick at such a strange time. I am obsessive, yes, but I'm not overly so!

Small update on 12dp3dt

The FRER I took this morning was taken at 5am. Since I'm the poas addict that I am, I took another FRER at 5pm tonight - simply 12 hours later.

It's distinguishably darker. Not by leaps and bounds, they are all still light lines. But it is, in fact, darker.

This seems like a good thing.

Here is photographic evidence. I do not know how you girls take good pictures of your HPTs, so here's my lame attempt. It's hard to make out the second line here, but honestly, in person, it's easy.

I'm still here!

I took the two tests again this morning and both were BFPs.

~ I bought another box of the digitals, just because that is the only test that I can truly compare results. If that one goes negative, I know my levels have gone down. And we know it picked up only 15 yesterday, so I know today my levels are at least still 15.

~ I didn't have any of those extra sensitive medical strips my RE uses, so all I could do was pick up a box of FRER. The test this morning showed a very light second line, but a second line nonetheless. FRER is supposed to be sensitive as low as 25 - so either my numbers have gone up to 25 so FRER could pick it up, or it's picking up the 15 I had. Until I can compare tomorrow's test, I will have no idea. My levels may just be stagnant and not increasing. But at least I know they aren't DEcreasing. Which is promising.

This weekend is going to be FILLED with waiting. Ugh. But what else can I do? I want Monday to get here and show me doubling numbers and I want SO BADLY to eat my words of "this cycle failed". I want to shout out how wrong I was for counting myself out and I want to apologize to everyone who gave me support when I was simply jumping the gun. But, damn it, that's just going to have to wait until Monday.

~~~

In other "news" ...

Check out this comment I got from "anonymous" last night ...

"I guess God even has pity on people who spew as much venom as you do. Good luck to your third child. Lord knows the first two will need years of therapy after having a mother like you. Make sure you keep your butt on 1st tri on WebMD and stay off our boards. No one on 3rd tri is interested in you ruining or last few weeks of our wonderful pregnancies."

Pretty "good" person, don't you think? And this is the type of person to use God in her ramblings to me. Ridiculous. I must say my favorite part is the threat "keep your butt on 1st tri". Seriously entertaining. I love when girls get all drama. It's SO funny.

Could you imagine the type of person you would be to say something like this to someone else? I may speak my mind and discuss the hard topics, but I would NEVER say something like this to someone. I never have and I never will. It's just so sad. I pity her. Heh - and she says she's sorry for ~my~ children. Very ironic if you ask me.

(About the comment of 3rd tri ... Whenever I was pregnant and in my 3rd trimester, my due date always seemed so far away. I loved to lurk on 1st tri to see what the new due dates are. So last time, I simply posted a quick comment on 3rd tri to give them the "newest" due date out there - to make them feel better about how far they've come. And that's all I did yesterday. But apparently, what I did was "ruining or last few weeks of our wonderful pregnancies". I think that should be "our last few weeks", but as you all may already know, people who would type this kind of comment to someone isn't the smartest marble in the bag. It's not her fault, her IQ can only take her so far, right?)

It's a brand new day

What can I say? It failed. And I knew there was a 60% failure rate. I knew it. But man, hoping for the 40% really got me. Why can't it work for me? Why does it work for so many people but others it fails?


I had 4 beautiful embryos. I had a perfect transfer. Easy as pie. But my body couldn't support them. Even with jabbing myself with 1.5ml of progesterone in oil everyday. Damn. I lost them.

This type of BFN is weighing more heavily on my heart. I don't think it's just because of all the added drama (injections, appointments, etc) but because I got to ~see~ those future babies. Those embryos were alive. They were a part of me and my husband. They were with us. They lived for a few days. And I lost them. I knew I wouldn't be able to have all four of them, but I was really hoping I could be the mommy to one of them. But they are all gone.

To my fab four - man, this is making me cry (again). Even though I wasn't able to bring you home, I loved you four intently. Yes, even though you were a mere 8 cells - I knew what you could become. I'm sorry I wasn't able to help you live. I'm sorry I failed you. ♥, your mommy.

I have to go to the ridiculous negative beta blood draw in the morning. As soon as it's confirmed, the nurses will work up my calendar for IVF#2 (see? I told you I shouldn't of been labeling my first IVF as IVF#1.) All retrievals and transfers will be in the first two weeks of June, so I'm sure I'll be starting up very soon. Which is good because I have to move on. Do as much as I can in the very short time frame I have. August is approaching ridiculously fast.

Same on 6dp3dt

Another stark white test.

And hey, I know it's early. These posts aren't "I'm ~so~ bummed out" posts. They are just chronicling the aspect of my poas day by day. For now, I'm cool.

Plus, I've learned with a 3dt, especially from FET, it can take up to 2 days longer to get a result than a 5dt.

So I'm okay with negatives for a few more days. But that 8dp3dt/9dp3dt will suck assholes.


---
okay, so I admit it, I'm not really ~okay~ with seeing these negatives. But like I've always said, this is the way I like to do it. Test early and often. That way, a little hope is taken out of your heart, a little bit, day by day, so when that real BFN is staring you in the face, it's just not as hard. For me, a bunch of 'little' BFNs is better than one 'big' BFN.

My embryos are superstars!!!

(sorry for not updating!! I got home from acupuncture and had some lunch and passed the hell out. I thought the Valium didn't affect me, but I was O.U.T.)

Okay, let me brag a little bit first about my rock star embryos. We had 9 to fertilize to begin with and all 9 fertilized. Then, 7 survived thaw. Out of the 7, on day 3, we still had all 7 growing! No losses yet. This is how the breakdown of the 7 members of the once frozen Mod Squad:

1 - 8 cell grade A
1 - 7 cell grade A
1 - 6 cell grade B
1 - 5 cell grade B
2 - grade C (don't know cell count)
1 - grade D (don't know cell count)

We sat down with RE and discussed how many to put back. He suggested 4. ~gasp~. Well, we all KNOW how I feel about putting back too many. RE asks "so are you okay with four?". I said "Nope, we want two max." And he said "Oh no, I won't put back just two. Not with your age and lining." (okay, so had we insisted, he would have. It was our choice, after all.)

We went over statistics and facts and all that. He said the 8, 7 and 6 cell for sure. That would give me 35% chance at a singleton. Then, he mentioned he really wanted to put back the 5 cell, but that one probably wouldn't take. Tom asked if it's not a great one to take in the first place, why would we transfer it? And RE said that it's not going to make it to blast for the most part, so he just would feel better than simply disposing of it.

I turn to Tom and say "this is totally up to you." And he says "WHY IS IT UP TO ME?" and I said "Because now I'm all maternal and want to put back all four. I'm too emotional about it. I don't want to just throw away the runt."

And it's true. I do not want to have more than twins. Heck, twins would freak my shit out because I already have two babies. And it goes against my moral thoughts of this situation. But I will be the first to admit that when faced with it, my heart changed. I even thought of how strongly I felt about it just a few days ago on my blog and how I was totally a hypocrite. But all I can say is that I was wrong for judging when I wasn't in that situation to begin with. (note: I do think going against Drs orders and triggering with 8+ mature follies and having sex is a selfish decision.)

It came down to statistics. With the four, a 40% chance for a singleton and a 60% of ~no baby at all~ was a risk we decided was okay. Of that 40%, we've got a 15% of twins and under 5% for triplets. I'm a bit nervous and feel guilty for being a hypocrite, but what can I say?

Without further adieu, I'd like to introduce you to Paul, John, Ringo and George. (The Mod Squad only had three members, so I had to change it up.)



The naming was great. My RE came up by my head after transfer and showed me the picture. He is the one who introduced me to my embryos as Paul, John, Ringo and George. Once he said it, I ~knew~ it was perfect. My husband and I are big Beatles (and John Lennon) fans. Our wedding dance was "Imagine" by John Lennon. We quite frequently play The Beatles in the house when we want to have family time without tv. So yeah, it was perfect.

So now we wait. IF the grade C or D miraculously grow to blastocyst stage, they'll freeze them, but I know that's not going to happen. My RE said he's seen it before, but it's nothing I was expecting. We knew we'd use them all up. I'm beyond shocked they did so well in the first place to tell you the truth.

My beta is scheduled for next Friday, May 16th at 7:30am. But as you may know, I'm the ultimate POASer, so it'll happen way before that. And since I have no trigger in me, it makes it even more feasible to test WAY too early.

Wow. I transferred four embryos.

I got "the call".

I didn't catch the phone (damn it!) and the nurse simply left a message. She did not say how my embryos were doing, but that they had been reviewed by the embryologist and the RE and I'm scheduled to be at Embryo Transfer tomorrow morning at 1130am.

So that means there's something to transfer so far, right? Yipee!

She said we'd go over the details of the embryos tomorrow when we're there. OMG. So nervous!

I love me a big fat rollercoaster ride & girls who rule. (updated at end)

Oh yes ma'am. I ~love~ rollercoasters.

Did you read Mel's Friday's RoundUp? I had asked the magic 8 ball if I'd make it to transfer and even it didn't know how to respond. It's funny. And Mel's response was hilarious and so apropos.

It's amazing how many ups/downs I've had on this ttc journey. It's like fate is getting me 'back' for conceiving in as little as 18 months and even a first time try. Heh. That's what I get for calling myself the big fat "infertile" word.

So we ALL know the ups/downs, starts/cancellations/re directions I've gotten. And I finally make the decision to that out The Mod Squad and try my luck.

Then.

My boss calls this morning. "I need you in Boston this Monday. If you can't be here on Monday, then fly out on Monday. But I need you here all week. I don't care how much it costs, buy your ticket immediately."

Hrm.

Okay Mr bossman, there is something I really didn't want to share with you, but ... And I tell him the entire thing. I fibbed a little too to make it seem even more gigantic. "You see, I'm doing this $15,000 procedure that is culminating on Monday morning and I have to be on bedrest for 4 1/2 days."

Yes. 4 1/2 DAYS. That is what my clinic tells us. Ridiculous. I remember talking about this with them months ago, before I was even in cycle saying I couldn't do 4 1/2 days. If I did get pregnant, that's almost a week of sick time I would be using up! But the nurse said that it's really only 24 hours that they think is necessary, the rest is "peace of mind".

I tell my boss that I can't come Monday, but I can possibly come Tuesday afternoon and be in office Wednesday. He is a frat guy, but he has a heart and tells me to hold on a moment and we talk through it. He says ~if~ my Dr okay's it, I can come, but he wants nothing less than a Dr's note telling him it's okay.

But the thing is, being in Boston next week is huge. I really need to be there. It was a last moment thing for a lot of other people and my boss realized I am the most qualified to lead it. I can work online Monday around transfer and Tuesday until 1pm, then hop on a plane by 3. I'll be in Boston 1030pm and I can be to office first thing in morning. It can work.

I know what my risks are, but honestly, I'm not worried. I just know in my heart 4 1/2 days of bedrest is not necessary. I'll have almost 30 hours of strict bedrest where I will not move. And then I'll make a 10 minute drive to the ridiculously small airport (minimal walking). I'll take the shuttle from car to door. I'll sit on a plane for 5 hours. I'll take a taxi from airport to hotel. I'll sleep. Hotel is literally a stone's throw from office. I'll go to office and sit in a cushy conference room chair all day. We'll have food catered. I'll go back to hotel room and do nothing. I'll get room service.

I walked straight into RE's office after this phone call and asked to talk to a nurse. No phone call would do in this situation. I ask what the minimum of the 4.5 days bedrest really is (to same nurse who told me 24 hours months ago) and she says "there is NO minimum Nancy. It's 4/5 days. You are not going to Boston." And I plead "But I have to. If I can't, we have to reschedule this FET for another week" (remember, I'm on estrogen and no follicles, this is a possible solution as RE told me we can safely try to grow lining for 4-6 weeks if we need to). She tells me to sit and she'll go get the doc.

I sit there kindof "holy shit, I'm going to postpone again." She comes back and says "Okay Nancy, you can go, but you need 24 full hours of strict bedrest. You can go to Boston on Wednesday." Well, I am cheating and going late Tuesday, but I'll take my chances. "... and you better bring me some socks." (see, I'm on a roller derby team and I have fabulous over the knee socks and where them for each of my ultrasounds. Nurse awesome loves them and I even bought her a pair a few weeks ago. Hence the socks reference.) I told her I would name my next child after her and she said that would do.

So, next week is insane.

Monday: acupuncture, ET, acupuncture.
Tuesday: Fly to Boston
Wednesday: Boston
Thursday: In Boston so can't show up for court (got a ticket and have to go to court to prove the insurance I don't have. In my city, I can't just go in and show them, court is mandatory) so I will get a bench warrant against me.
Friday: Boston. Maybe off early to go ~enjoy~ Boston.
Saturday: More Boston. I don't fly back until later in day, because I love to give myself an extra 24 hours on a business trip.
Sunday: The cops will find me back and I will go to jail.

On Monday, I'm going to try to get court data postponed - so hopefully jail won't be in my future. And all week, I'm going to take it easy as possible.

I really, Really, REALLY am okay with my decision to do only 24 hours of bedrest. Some clinics only ask for 24 hours. Some clinics think too much bedrest can be detrimental to implantation due to decreased blood flow. And honestly, when most women since, oh, I don't know, the beginning of time have conceived and their lovely little embryos make it down to their uterus, they aren't laying in bed for 4 1/2 days to allow for implantation.

The Mod Squad already has there work cut out for them with my sad little 7mm lining - why make it any easier? ~wink~

If this doesn't work, I'm not going to do any self blaming due to going with too thin lining or not being on bedrest for a freaking week. If it does work, I'll have a great story.

Oh yeah, and I started PIO tonight. Son of a bitch! That's a lot of oil to push into my hip. 1.5ml!!! How much do you girls usually have to inject? Here is my protocol:

~ estrace 3 times/day, vaginally.
~ tetracycle 4 times/day, (but start only 1/2 dose today), for 5 days.
~ medrol 4 times/day, (but start only 1/2 dose today), for 5 days.
~ .15ml of delestrogen, injected IM, Tuesday and Saturday.
~ 1.5ml (yes, 10 times amount of delestrogen) of PIO daily.

I've been seriously behind in some major commenting I've needed to do. I've been giving little comments here and there, but can I just say the following girls deserve more from me right now? And by the way, this is not a complete list of everyone I think is cool - just a list of girls that inspire the hell out of me with their writing and I take so much from their words, and haven't been giving back enough at all.

Pam (wordgirl). Well, she's just fucking awesome and seriously, one of my very favorite bloggers out there. But she also intimidates the hell out of me. I go to check in with her and she never writes simple little posts that I can simply comment to. I think about her a lot. I thought about her everytime my hockey team lost by a terrible sweep from the redwings. I thought about her smiling at my loss, since our team beat up her team, bnot as bad as our loss. But again, her posts are so wonderfully written, I feel I can't just chime in for a little nonesense. I need to get her email. Yes.

Mel. The reasons are a big "duh". You all know how great her writing is. And how she brings so much out there to think about. But recently, I've been really interested in the Jewish faith because of her. I never knew too much about it and I find myself reading everything mentioning anything about the faith/tradition/etc anywhere. Religious, I am not, but Mel's made me interested. That's huge.

IO. Cause she's just as awesome as everyone else. And I'm jealous she is Irish.

Chicklet. She's waist deep in IVF#2 and all I find myself telling her is she loves Home Depot (and should marry it.)

Denise. Again, in a cycle I should be totally supporting, and I am. But instead, I text her and call her and deluge her with my own questions and issues. I've been a terrible taking friend.

Duffy. In her own big scary IVF cycle. And I'm simply saying "good luck!" to her instead of really spending my time talking to her.

Meg. She's in crappy waitland and I know what that is like. I could have so much to share and I haven't been.

Lori. This one is a confession of the horriblest. Lori is not cycling and since I'm all so super in cycle, I'm not paying attention as much as I could. It's like if someone isn't talking about ttc, I'm not reading. But I love Lori and I do read her posts, but I'm just like "next" because I want to suffocate myself with other people's ttcness. Lori, I'm so sorry.

Pamela. Kind of the same thing with what I said about Lori, but kind of not. I've been coming to my own terms that I may give up in August without conceiving. And PJ's posts, especially her latest, has really touched me. And scares me. And then I feel like I'm lame for putting myself in any of those shoes because I have two children. And I feel guilty.

Katie. Katie is pregnant. And she's been a really good friend for a very long time. And I'm almost completely ignoring her pregnancy. Simply because it's hard for me. Good fuck Nancy, buck it up and support someone else. This is one of the biggest examples of my selfishness.

All my now-pregnant bloggers. I still catch up on the pregnant updates, but I just can't comment all the time. I don't know if the guilt from not commenting is worse or the heartache I feel from spending more time with them so I can comment. My self suckitude quotient is ridiculously large.

There are more, but those are the top ten in my head at this very moment. And to all of you, I'm sorry. I know I need to be more attentive and this lack of commenting on my end will hopefully get better.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Updated .... After an extensive search for my ticket into court, I find it's scheduled for MONDAY. At 8:30am. So throw that into my Monday schedule (Court, Acu, ET, ACU) and remove bench warrant from Thursday and no jail time on Sunday. That's nice.

Damn. The story of The Mod Squad going to jail before they had a dozen cells would have been awesome. ~wink~

I told them to thaw out The Mod Squad.

First off, no scar tissue!! HSS was clear. Whew.

Secondly, I picked option 1. After I explained that I really ~do~ have a limited time schedule, he understood why I wouldn't want to do a whole new fresh FET cycle when I'm just going to do a June IVF. He thinks this is the least probable for my little embryos, ~but~, it IS possible. I'm not just throwing them away.

Seriously, a whole new cycle with FET and then maybe not getting any farther with lining than I am now OR them not even surviving - that would kill me.

I need to complete a cycle. Even with a smaller chance. If this doesn't work, I'll make more. I want this to work. I hope this works. But I need to use what I've got before next fresh and no better time than right now.

Waiting on word for PIO instructions.

Two more days.

My E2 levels are stabilized, stilling in the 1200s now for days. I am to continue with my delestrogen injections twice a week (Tuesdays and Saturdays), Viagra, Estrace and baby aspirin. Exciting times.

Another recheck on Wednesday. I would be thrilled if they told me it was finally the day. They'd start me on PIO and take The Mod Squad out of the deep freeze by Thursday. Sunday would be 3dt and Tuesday would be 5dt.

Of course, that would all be dependent upon my lining continuing to grow, my embryos surviving the thaw and then growing by some miracle.

Lots of hurdles left, but still trying to clear the 6th one. Someday, right?

Lining update and severe jealousy.

Updates first and then lots of jealousy second. I apologize now for the bitterness, but this is what a blog is for, right? To get it out before it eats me alive.

My E2 level was 1300, down from 1681 on Thursday. Which, makes sense because the majority of the estrogen is from my delestrogen injections and Thursday was 2 days after injection and this morning was 4 days after. In fact, I was due for injection today, so they should go back up. RE said in a cycle like mine, they will fluctuate, we just have to make sure they don't go down too much. Since my delestrogen is now at max level (it takes 3 injections of upping to get there), I should be fine.

Lining check was a little funky. I'm back to mountains and valleys - even though I had evened out 2 days ago. But, RE said that it's just some parts of lining are more receptive than others, so again, all normal.

Lowest part of lining was 3.8 (he wasn't measuring the thinnest before. This is only a very little section, but at least the thinnest is measurable now). Thickest was an astounding 8.9mm (I know!) and the average was sitting at 7.8mm. Can you believe it? It's growing. And a record 8.9mm? Unheard of.

So I continue my injections, continue my vaginal estrogen pills and continue the viagra bullets up my chacha.

We talked about a trial transfer, but he said it's not really necessary, especially since records show how easy all 3 IUIs, 3 HSSs and 4 HSGs were completed. All required catheter and there were no problems, just a straight shoot. He may get to it, he may not.

As for FET, I get a suspicion he's thinking of starting the PIO after Monday's check which means thawing out The Mod Squad soon. FET could be as soon as next week. But, then again, I may just continue to grow very slowly and thawing may not start for another week. If at all. Wait and see. Wait and see.

I am ~so fucking jealous~ of just about every other IVF and FET out there. The women who get a calendar and basically stick through it until the end. The women who see "tentative 5dt" on their sheet and actually get to have it done. I'm jealous of all women who get to finish. BFN or BFP - they get to have a chance.

I've written in length about how much the absence of the big ~chance~ sucks monkey assholes. I've been robbed of my chances for almost 18 months now. When I first started ttc again, I was plagued with cysts. No chances. Wait 4-6 weeks after each "cycle" for shot at a new chance. Then it was scar tissue and surgery. No chance. Wait 8 weeks. Then the surgery failed. No chance. Wait 6 weeks. Then a fucking third surgery. No chance. Wait 6 weeks.

Finally I'm given the okay to get an actual chance. I wanted to start with IVF immediately, but I had to wait for some authorizations. The 4th shot at IUI commenced. This was a real chance. After 15 "no chance" cycles, I got one. It ended in a BFN, but I can't tell you how happy I was that I HAD A CHANCE! I didn't expect to get pregnant - I mean, it was basically a "first cycle" where there wasn't anything hindering a pregnancy.

I've had comments over the past year and a half to the respect of "At least you don't have to see the failure of a BFN". But I disagree wholeheartedly. I did have to deal with failure, but failure at the very heart. I failed at even getting a chance. It wasn't a BFN in the poas sense, but it was a failure in every sense of the matter. I failed at even TRYING. When I say I was pleased with my BFN in January, I tell the truth. It's a hard thing to explain how I'm jealous of other women's BFNs, so I don't even try. The last thing someone dealing with a BFN wants to hear is my comment of "at least you got to try". But honestly, that's how I feel.

I read these message boards of women going to the next cycle and how upset they are over it and I'm literally jealous. How I long for to TRY to conceive. How I long for a chance. How I long for living my life in 2 week increments.

I failed my last attempt at IUI on February 2nd. Since then, I've waited for a chance. I even did IVF which pretty much guarantees a chance and still, didn't get mine. How I wish I got the luxury of fretting over how many embryos to transfer. Or if I'd make it to 5dt instead of 3dt. Or complain about being on bed rest after transfer. Oh how I'd give anything for that luxury. To just about everyone else, transfer is simply a step in their cycle - something taken for granted. To me, it represents something unobtainable. It's like the elusive BFP itself.

If I make it to transfer this next week, it will have been exactly 3 months since my last chance. I hear women say they don't know how to make it through their 2ww? Try an open ended 14ww. How I would give anything to be able to know when my wait will end - even if it's just for a BFN. How lucky I would consider myself.

Another day, another monkey wanding.

I had yet another u/s today to check on my lining. There is nothing I like to do more than get up earlier than normal to make a 715am appointment with the blood girl and the ultrasound machine.

The blood letting went quite well actually - she got me in only one stick. This is crazy because another nurse got me with one stick on Monday. Unheard of, I tell you. (My veins only give it up in my hands and it usually takes 3-4 sticks on average. When they can't get it from my hands, they move to my feet. Foot IVs is a mighty strange thing.) They've stumbled upon the secret and they're sticking with it. Baby heel warmer on my hand first thing and they pull with a normal syringe - not a butterfly, not one of those needle things where you pop in the vial. Just a normal syringe.

The ultrasound was next. Lining was a 5.8 at its very thinnest and a 6.8 everywhere else. Although I was 6.8 on Monday, I was up and down all over the place. I've filled out everywhere now and he said it was finally looking like a great pattern all around. He actually said "I am happy with your lining", which I've pretty much never have heard before, so I'm still reeling from the comment.

My "Learn Something New" moment was all about lining. He explained that while in a stimulation cycle (fresh IVF), he can't grow the lining after 13-14 days (due to all of the hormones). But with a FET cycle, studies have shown he can grow the lining for up to 4 weeks without repercussion! This is good news because we don't have time limit set in stone. I don't have any follicles growing anymore, since the femara induced follies shrunk back down after the addition of estrogen, so we aren't racing against ovulation.

I asked about the thickness he's looking for to move forward with me. He said "I would ~love~ to see 9-13mm". So I countered with "Well, what would you ~like~ to see?" He didn't get my joke so I had to explain.

He said 8mm, even 7mm, can sustain a pregnancy. He mentioned he saw a 6mm lining on a recent pregnant patient. But he doesn't like to proceed with 6-7mm because of the higher risk of miscarriage even if the embryo makes it through implantation with a thin lining. He also told me he cancels on the other end when a lining gets too thick. They'll talk cancellation at 14-15mm, but will definitely cancel if it's 16mm or over. I told him he doesn't have to waste his breath talking about that.

So it seems we can proceed at 8mm, but he would really like to wait until it gets to a 9. He cancelled on my fresh cycle when I was 7mm, so I don't think that would be sufficient. This means all I have to do is grow a measly 1.2mm within the next couple weeks. I certainly hope it's not a couple more weeks, but that's the time frame I do have left to accomplish it.

I am to keep doing the Viagra, Estrace and Delestrogen injections. He's going to double or triple my estrogen regiment, but I'm to wait until he looks at my E2 levels today.

As we were wrapping up the appointment, he wanted to take some notes on the side effects of the Viagra. This is still an experimental drug in the aspect of what we're using it for, so he's very interested. He took out his clipboard and started asking me questions ... "How is your libido? Has it increased? How does your vagina feel? Do you feel more moisture? Does your vagina feel swollen? Is it uncomfortable? Does your vagina itch? How are your orgasms?"

I sat there and answered them all. When he got to the last one, I said "That one, yeah. Noticeably stronger and longer. We noticed that just a few hours ago." The nurse cracked up and said something about sharing too much and I explained that I'm going to answer whatever I'm asked. She just laughed and my doctor said "Well, I'm glad you had such a great night!".

The seven habits of highly fertile people.

Sticking pills and suppositories up your vagina.

The title doesn't lie people. I get to stick something up my vagina SEVEN times a day. Seven.

Nurse called with protocol:
~ Delestrogen injection increased to .1ml
~ Estrace, 3mgs total, 1mg 3 times/day, pill inserted vaginally.
~ Viagra, 100mgs total, 25mgs 4 times/day, vaginal suppository

Note - The estrace and Viagra are ~not~ to be taken at the same time. The wax of the suppository can interfere with the estrace, as the estrace dissolves very quickly and needs to have a "clear" entry path to vaginal walls. I am to take the estrace before the viagra, allowing this to happen.

That is SEVEN times a day. And some of this time is going to be at work. (Julie, I'm so sorry for the visual - I know you work with me and now you know what I'll be doing when I go to the bathroom.)

Also, I have a post on my other blog that I found interesting. It's about Buddhism and Me screaming like a little girl. Since it did involve children, I didn't want to put it here, but I will put a link to the blog if you want to take a look. http://theotherlifeofnancy.blogspot.com/

What a pain in the ass.

I gave myself my first delestrogen injection last night.

Good news is it's such a concentrated amount, I can barely feel it. I do feel a little sore, as it was in oil, but barely. BARELY.

The injections start out very small - only .05 ml - A full 95% less than the amount of a menopur injection. The most it goes up to is only .15ml - still teensy tiny.

The PIO, on the other hand, won't be fun. It's a full 1.5ml (145% more) oil to push into my ass. And that will be daily. Definitely not looking forward to that. And I've heard enough horror stories thanks. I don't need any more!

So the nurse called and told me we were considering yesterday to be "cd4". And we'll re-evaluate on Monday.

I guess that makes me a moron.

Yeah, hurdle #6 is still waaay down the track - I haven't even cleared the bend yet.

Today's check was ~not~ to see if my lining was growing. Before we even started, my RE said "your lining will be very thin right now". And then I realized it's because letrozole is an estrogen inhibitor and that is why they were checking on follicle development, to see how much estrogen would be invading my system.

I have two follicles around 10-13 so he's not thrilled. Although, I never make lots of follies on letrozole, so why would he think differently? Anywho, the follicles should start producing estrogen, which the lining should start responding to because the letrozole DOES make the lining estrogen hungry. Since the follie development is less than stellar in his eyes, he did decide to add in ultra mega crazy dosage of delestrogen. It's a very potent form of estrogen (in oil) and is way better than taking estrace or the like.

I asked how this estrogen is different, because obviously my lining didn't respond when my E2 levels were in the thousands. Apparently it's not different, but he said this is why he gave me the letrozole - in hopes of making it respond better to the estrogen.

Next check is Monday morning. He said he'd normally wait a few more days to check on someone, but he wants to keep a close eye on me. That makes me feel better because if it's not where he thinks it should be, he could throw in something new to the mix. He said he had "lots of ways" to get it to happen. We'll just have to see.

The details: Due to the estrogen I was taking, I'm theoretically only on cd5 or there around. My lining was a mere 4.8 and they took b/w for LH, FSH and E2.

Approaching hurdle #6

I'm on my approach (u/s in 45 mins). I'll let you know the details when I get back.

2 more days until next hurdle.

I have an ultrasound scheduled Friday morning to find out if I get to keep going towards FET. I'm on day 3 of the letrozole to see if it helps my lining get estrogen greedy.

Honestly, I don't have much hope. I am happy we are doing something, as if we weren't doing this now, we'd be trying it next month. But since the estrogen only was the first step (which didn't work), this is only the second step. Maybe I'll need the 3rd or 4th step of lining growing protocols. Who knows. At the rate I'm going, I'm definitely not counting on anything. I think it's easier to be ready for disappointment instead of being blindsided by it.

Even ~if~ we get my lining to grow, there is still a major set of hurdles to still clear. Thawing the mod squad and having anyone survive. Growing the survivors. Making it to transfer. Transferring. Implantation. Sticking. Good lord, it's amazing this works for anyone.

Just for fun, I want to count the hurdles for my situation.

Hurdle #1: Follicle growth.
Hurdle #2: Egg Retrieval of mature eggs.
Hurdle #3: Fertilization.
Hurdle #4: Getting physically ready for try at FET.
Hurdle #5: Getting hormonally ready for try at FET.
Hurdle #6 Lining good enough for transfer.
Hurdle #7: Surviving thaw.
Hurdle #8: Survivors growing.
Hurdle #9: Embryos making it to transfer day.
Hurdle #10: Transfer.
Hurdle #11: Implantation.
Hurdle #12: Sticky embryo making momma's hcg levels rise through betas.

There. 12 hurdles. I've made it over 5 of them. Damn, all that work seemed much more than 4 hurdles.

Never use PEN.

My RE changes this around SO much, I have learned to never use pen on my calendar. EVER.

Today's lining check for my "oral estrogen only" mock cycle went as I pretty much expected "Your lining is very thin". Really? How incredible! Call the media! heh.

So he decided he doesn't want to waste anymore time. We're starting NOW. Here's my protocol:

~ Stop taking estrace pronto. This could start a bleed, may not. He said it doesn't matter if it does or not because this protocol can be done now or on cd1 so no matter what, it's cool.

~ Get the femara on board now too. I'm to take 1 pill today, 2 tuesday, 3 wednesday and 4 thursday for a total of 25mg. This should make the lining all jonesin for estrogen.

~ U/S on Friday to see what I've got. IF I got "multiple" nice follicles, we'll continue "natural" cycle FET. Yeah, right. If not much, we'll start the destrogen injections. To be honest, I hope we do the injections - we already know what my follicles do to the lining all on their own - not much.

So young grasshopper, what does this mean regarding a transfer date? No freaking clue. I'll go ahead with an estimate of late next week. Maybe.