I've lost 12 pounds!

I weighed in this morning to see the numbers 1-4-0!

Pretty exciting! I was at my very heaviest a few months ago, 152 lbs, which is what prompted me to start the "delivery diet" of pre-packaged foods. My God, the food sucks so much ass, it's like a ass vacuum, but I'm losing. I've really only lost 5 lbs on the diet, as the other 6 was lost in the months before starting it.

This diet is so terrible. I shouldn't say the diet. The diet, meaning my eating plan, is great. The main entree portions are small, which is training my brain to know just how much I really should serve myself. Along with the main entrees, lots of fruits and veggies go along with it. I was quite shocked when I found out just how much ~more~ food I had to buy/prepare on my own, but I'm glad it worked out this way. Due to the food sucking so much, there are many, many, many times I can't eat it. I just can't. I just can't tell you enough how BAD the food is. But due to all the fruits and veggies on the menu, I'm never hungry.

I wonder how much the scale would show in lost pounds if I wasn't working out in derby so hard. I am gaining muscle, no doubt about it, so that's most likely showing less of a loss because of it.

I'm not worried about it at all, in fact I'm glad I'm gained muscle. This was me at 125 pounds:



(trigs in next paragraph - children mentioned)
I was so freaking skinny, yet I had zero muscle tone. It was around 8 lbs after having #2 and it was so crazy around the house, a newborn, a 16 month older baby and then going back to work after 6 months - well, I pretty much didn't eat. So I call this my "anorexic diet". Totally unhealthy, I know. I told myself it was all due to portion control, because when I did eat, I ate small portions, but the other 75% of the time, the portion was ~nada~. But it only lasted a few months because as soon as Allison was a bit older and easier to manage, things started to get back to normal.

I'm 5'7" and when at "perfect" weight (in my eyes), I wear a size 6 and I am between 130-135 pounds. Right now, at 140, I'm still in a size 8, but I can start to fit into my 6 pants. My problem areas are my belly, butt and thighs (so strange for a woman, right?) so getting into the pants is always the last step.

Enough blabbering about myself. I know this is my blog and all, but these kinds of posts are the most boring if you ask me. Thanks for letting me go on and on and on and on and ......

(even bigger triggers here. Not only are children mentioned when I'm crying about being infertile all the time, but I'm about to do the unthinkable. Complain about what I have.)
I just wanted to take a moment to explain just how freaking HARD it was to have two babies 16 months apart. A little background info: before Ella was born, one of my best friends (and neighbor) had twins. Oh my god, that was hard for her! I saw on a daily basis just how hard it was, how she pretty much got zero rest because if it wasn't one baby needing her, it was the other. And if not one or the other - it was both. This terrified me of ever having twins, but I saw how she fell into a schedule and grew to ~know~ her babies and their needs and things got easier. After that, I wasn't scared anymore.

When I got pregnant when the first was only 6 months old, I wasn't scared about how I would handle it. But boy, was I wrong. See, for me at least, it was the hardest thing I've ever done. The first was too little to understand just how easy it would be to hurt the baby accidentally. Once Allison was born, I was no longer the exhausted mother of a newborn and a 16 month old, but I held a new role: "Protector". When I had the first, it was hard at first, yes. But I learned how to rest when I needed to. I learned how to get things done when the baby was sleeping or just hanging out. When Allison was born, I couldn't do that anymore. I couldn't leave the baby laying on her blanket in the middle of the floor to go make myself a sandwich. I couldn't leave the baby sleeping in her swing to run and take a shower. I couldn't leave the baby out of my sight. If I did (which I learned the hard way), I would come back, seconds later to see Ella sitting on Allison's head. Or holding a pillow over her face. It was all perfectly innocent, but I never thought I would have to say things like "Ella, please don't smother your baby sister".

I guess all I'm saying is it was hard. So hard I don't even remember those first 9ish months of Allison's life except from pictures and video. I don't know if I simply erased it from my memory or if I never retained it in the first place. I don't really know why I'm even talking about it either. I guess it's just because I was talking about my extreme weight loss (190 at birth and 65 lbs lost in under 8 months) and got to thinking. I wouldn't change it for the entire world now, but I can tell you with 100% certainty, I wouldn't ever do it again. And now I'm paying for it because I waited 14 months to ttc again. I wish I would have started earlier now, but then again, I kinda don't.