Upcoming surgery is freaking me out.

(beware ... major whining ahead!)

As anyone reading may already have seen, my third uterine surgery failed. It failed to get my oven in shape to receive any buns for baking. It's still on the fritz.

And I have another surgery in 5 days.

I'm really freaked out about this one. The first one wasn't actually for ~this~ problem. It was an endo lap, so I shouldn't count it. The second surgery was the one that tried to fix the inside of the uterus. Since I went with my OB instead of my RE, I was able to rationalize the failure with the fact I didn't go with the "expert". I figured I made a bad decision and was paying for it by having to endure a third surgery. But when that 3rd surgery failed - the surgery performed by the expert - well, that one got to me.

This is the last chance to get my oven in working condition. They are not going around the sides anymore, they are just going to try to "snip" it out. The amount of scar tissue being built from the surgeries alone is going to start damaging the oven to where it's unrepairable. This is my final service call. This is it.

It's really hard for me to go through month after month and not being able to join in a cycle of trying. I know there are a lot of other girls who fall into the "no chance" category, as in they try to no avail to ovulate, but it's hard to explain, especially to them, how it feels to not even get the chance to try. I understand the outcome is the same in both cases and they equally suck ass, but there's something about having a plan and having the hope of "maybe this will work" that I yearn for. I can't tell you if the bigger diappointment of failed hope is worse than the daily disappointment of no hope at all or vice versa, but I don't really think that matters. It all sucks.