Woodland Critter Christmas

I actually don't want to detract anyone from reading or commenting on the previous post, but I just spent 30 minutes laughing my ass off and I have to share. (Don't you just hate that? When you blog about something you find actually quite stimulating and you are looking forward to the conversations that may come up from the comments, but then there is just something stupid you want to blog about? I'm having that kind of moment right now)

By now, most everyone has seen an episode of Southpark. For me, it started with the file share of their now famous short "Jesus vs Santa". It wasn't yet on tv yet, but it was mighty close. I'll admit that the draw for me was the foul language. I drop the f bomb countless times a day. In fact, I respect someone a little bit more for not being afraid to use it. So when I saw this cartoon of little children telling eachother to 'fuck off', I was hooked. I was so happy when Fox picked it up shortly thereafter. Living in Colorado, I'm also privy to the truckload of "inside" jokes used in many of the episodes (Casa Bonita, Cherry Creek, The Shane Company, etc). I'm also an avid snowboarder and have driven through Southpark about 800 times.

Needless to say, I love the show. I haven't seen them all, but I've seen more than not. I don't like them all. I'm not really into potty humor, but I still can see how it is funny. I've sat in complete amazement on how they have been able to offend just about every single person in the entire world, yet remain on air. I think it's great. If you don't like it, don't watch it.

Well, I just saw the 2004 Christmas episode "Woodland Critter Christmas". I do not know how I missed this one. It was quite possibly the funniest and most horrendously offensive episode ever. Well, maybe not the latter as the special olympics episode was pretty fucking offensive.

For anyone who hasn't seen this, I'm going to do my best at giving the quick point-by-point rundown as simply as I can possible do it. I'm obviously a little wordy (~gasp~) but I'll try:

~ Stan is walking in forest and comes upon a group of talking woodland creatures. He's very "what the fuck?"

~ Stan helps the animals find a star for the tree. Then they tell him they don't have a manger for the pregnant virgin porcupine's baby (immaculate conception). Stan builds a manger grudgingly, after the animals tell all about the coming of their "savior".

~ The animals then explain how every year the "son of our lord" tries to be born by own of the animals, but a mountain lion comes and kills it each year. Stan sees Mountain Lion and shoos it away. The animals rejoice saying how Stan will save Christmas this year by killing the Mountain Lion.

~ Cursing the whole way, Stan went up the mountain and killed the mountain lion.

~ The mountain lion's cubs come out and cry over their mom's dead body asking "mommy? Wake up mommy" and then ask Stan why they would kill their mommy. Stan is heartbroken and went back to woodland creatures.

~ Woodland creatures find out the Mountain Lion is dead and respond "He did it! Christmas is saved. Hail Satan!". What!?! He finds out the porcupine is carrying the antichrist. The animals celebrate by stabbing one of their fellow woodland creatures in sacrifice and yell "drink the blood!" and then they have a blood orgy - bloody animal humping.

~ Stan goes home and then decides he has to go back to the forest to make it right. When he gets there, the creatures tell him they need a human host once the antichrist is born - a "heathen". They ask Stan if he'll be the host but they find out, unfortunately for them, Stan is Christian and has been baptized.

~ Stan tells the woodland creatures this can't happen. They say it can because he killed the only thing that can stop it - the mountain lion that had stopped the evil in all the years past. Yay Stan for killing the lion!

~ Stan remembers the cubs, finds them and explains they have to kill the porcupine. They say they only have their baby teeth and can't kill it. So they decide they can give the porcupine and abortion. To learn this task, they go to an abortion clinic and watch abortions all day. Abortion after abortion is being performed to Christmas music.

~ They all go back to the woodland creatures to give the porcupine abortion, but the birth has already happened. Stan says it won't work because they have no host. Stan notices they have Kyle (the Jewish kid) tied up to the sacrifice table. Oh no!

~ Santa flies in and Stan explains. Santa takes out his double gauge shotgun and blows the heads off all the woodland creatures. They untie Kyle.

~ Kyle decides he wants the power that comes with being the host, so he can "make the earth a better place for the jews".

~ Scene switches to kids in classroom with the words "Write your own Christmas Story Day" on the blackboard. Kyle is yelling at Cartman to stop reading because this whole story was all just to rip on him for being Jewish (a common theme between cartman and kyle). Other kids protest and get him to continue story.

~ Kyle realizes being the host burns his soul and wants the antichrist out. Santa says no choice and raises the shotgun.

~ Stan tells the lion cubs "cubs, do what they showed you, do it fast. Get the antichrist out of my friend Kyle's ass" as they show an ass abortion, complete with ass bleeding.

~ Santa grants a wish for Stan, which is to bring the momma mountain lion back to life.

~ Everyone lives happily ever after.


OMG. I don't know if it would be possible to be more offensive. But my goodness, it was funny. I obviously don't agree with anything in the cartoon, but I think that's WHY they are able to get away with it - it's all so absurd. The world is a pretty messed up place, but no one could possibly be that offensive in reality.

So I did what they wanted me to. I laughed.