What makes someone an "infertile"?

I'm most likely going to offend someone with my thoughts on this one. It is not my intent for anyone's feelings to be hurt, but this ~is~ MY blog and it's something I've been thinking about. I welcome any comments and please feel free to even let me know if you disagree (like I've ever has a lack of that, eh?). I will try to explain further if it needs to be done.

The official definition: "Infertility primarily refers to the biological inability of a man or a woman to contribute to conception. Infertility may also refer to the state of a woman who is unable to carry a pregnancy to full term." And most doctors will give this definition to someone after not being able to get pregnant after the normal 12 months of trying. But is it all wrapped up in a simple time frame?

I'll admit that when I read various infertility blogs, if someone had not been trying for at least a year, I don't have much sympathy for where they are. Don't confuse my lack of sympathy with not feeling bad when they have a failed cycle, for BFNs suck no matter when you get them. But in the whole scheme of things - I figure if they haven't been trying for at least a year, they have no ~clue~ what it feels like to be infertile.

There are exceptions I think about though. What about someone who has two blocked tubes? I would go ahead and put them in the IF category right away. They don't get to try normally like anyone else and they definitely have a special situation. Yet, if their cycle fails, I still don't feel anymore badly for them than I would for anyone else trying in their first year. Failure sucks no matter what and treatment cycle sucks a little bit more because of the added hope and expense, but I just can't get past the fact it's only one of their first cycles trying. I'd also put someone with multiple losses in the category right away to. They may have succeeded multiple times in their first few months of trying, but if loss continues to happen, that's something I couldn't even imagine. But I do know I don't think they have the same kind of newbie-hope I talk about below.

Some people definitely don't believe I should be in the IF category because I have children. And that's okay if those people can't think of me as suffering infertility. But the fact remains that even though I succeeded 2 cycles, there were 32 other cycles that ended in failure. I can't really fault someone ttc#1 for feeling like this. Honestly, I don't think I was able to think of someone who had kids as "infertile". All I can say is you can't judge something until you are in that situation.

I know I already said this, but I did want to reiterate that I still do feel for the failed cycles of those who are under the 12 month mark. I've always said the feeling of failure is the same for everyone - whether they have kids, they are on cycle3 or on cycle 40. It's the rest of their circumstances that is the difference.

So why do I not feel ~as bad~ for someone still under the year mark? I thought about this and I think it's because they still have the chance of normalcy. They still have the chance to conceive in the "normal" time frame. And no, I don't think they get to use the title of "infertile" if they conceive under a year. I think they can say "it took me 11 months to get pregnant and boy, did those failures suck!" but I don't think they get to say they dealt with the sting of infertility.

Why do I care? I don't know. Maybe it's just because I think it's such a shitty thing to have to deal with, I don't want someone who never really felt it to take it for themselves without the fight the rest of us went through. It's like jumping ahead in line.

It's like someone who is 10 lbs overweight going to obesity support groups. Sure, those 10 lbs must suck for them, but they just aren't obese. No one wants to be in either situation, but you can't claim the extreme until you are there. At 10 lbs, you have a good chance you'll lose it without any help and it could be very easy. For someone who had much more than that, it's going to take some work and maybe even some expert help. And unfortunately, it may never come off. And maybe that 10lb-er has a thyroid issue and soon will be a candidate for the support group. And this is where the lines become fuzzy. Just because she doesn't fit into the definition now, doesn't mean she won't next year.

Bottom line is it all sucks. I don't want anyone to ever have to deal with infertility. And I'll say it again, a BFN on any cycle blows.