My last post seems to have stirred up a lot of emotions in me and I feel lost and anxious now. I am in a conversation with myself that there is no way IUI#3 will work. IUIs never work. But then I look at all the IUIs that do work. And I get jealous that they work for others and not me.
And then I think that I don't know if IUI#3 didn't work or not. I think how could it have worked? I'm not that lucky. I don't know what I did to deserve it, but I'm obviously not getting pregnant with anything I've been trying. Then I think well, why not me? Why can't this cycle be the cycle? It could be. But then I remind myself that it won't be. Then I start to panic about how even with IVF, I may never get the BFP I am trying for. And then my heart breaks a little.
... Once (and still) Infertile, but still Schnarky as hell. This blog is dedicated to the daily ramblings from the mind of Nancy. It isn't about anything profound in the grand scheme of things, but it ~is~ about things in my life, schnarkiness always included. I have a second blog, listed in my profile, but the blogs will continue to remain separate.
"I'm aiming for heaven, but I'll probably wind up down in hell"
About Me
- nancy
- I am a 39 year old woman. I am the mother of two beautiful daughters and a handsome son. I am a career woman. As for my TTC world, it certainly doesn't seem like I am "infertile", but I fought for my pregnancies and my TTC/IF history is on the sidebar. I have two blogs, which are both listed in my profile. One focuses on my daily life - including IF, TTC, pregnancy, delivery and even some "children mentioned" posts. The second blog is ~soley~ posts directly about being the mother to my three children.
Belly Pics for #3 only.
Click stick figure to see the consecutive pictures from this pregnancy only.
My TTC History
- Jul 01 ~ married
- Jan 02 ~ First cycle off bcps and opk shows ovulation!
- Dec 02 ~ Went to pcp for RE referral
- Jan 03 ~ Testing commences. S/A perfect. HSG clear.
- Feb 03 ~ Lap #1. All clear.
- Apr 03 ~ Clomid cycle #1. BFN.
- May 03 ~ Clomid cycle #2. BFN.
- Jun 03 ~ Clomid cycle #3. BFN.
- Jul 03 ~ Supposed to be IUI#1, but we missed cd3 so natural cycle
- Aug 03 ~ BFP on C18.
- Apr 04 ~ Ella born.
- Oct 04 ~ decided to ttc #2 and went off minipill to see if I am ovulating. I am. Will start next month.
- Nov 04 ~ TTC#2 starts. BFP. Holy Crap. No freaking way. No way.
- Aug 05 ~ Allison born
- Oct 06 ~ IUD removed. TTC#3
- Jan 07 ~ Large cysts found.
- Feb 07 ~ Femara cyle #1
- Mar 07 ~ Started w/ RE. HSG #2 showed R tube blocked. S/A normal.
- Mar 07 ~ more cysts, up to 9cms.
- Apr 07 ~ more cysts, 3 @ 7-9cms.
- May 07 ~ IUI #1 cancelled due to more cysts
- Jun 07 ~ IUI #1 (take two) w/ Clomid. BFN.
- Jul 07 ~ HSS showed scar tissue in 70% of uterus. Diagnosed with Asherman's Syndrome. Uterine surgery #2
- Aug 07 ~ HSG #3 showed clear tubes.
- Aug 07 ~ IUI #2 w/ Femara. BFN.
- Sept 07 ~ Monitored w/ hCG trigger. BFN.
- Oct 07 ~ HSS #2 showed scar tissue in 30% of uterus. Uterine surgery #3.
- Dec 07 ~ HSS #3 showed tiny amount of scar tissue. Uterine surgery #4.
- Jan 08 ~ HSS #4 showed clear uterus.
- Jan 08 ~ IUI #3, C16. BFN.
- Mar 08 ~ IVF #1, Transfer Cancelled due to lining. Out of 15 eggs, 9 were mature and all 9 fertilized. I have named my 9 embryos "The Mod Squad" and they are in the freezer, waiting for mommy to be ready.
- Apr/May 08 ~ FET #1. C20. 4 embryos "The Fab Four" transferred on 5/05. BFP!!! Very Low Beta (15 at 11dp3dt) but the numers continued to double every 48 hours. Told it was "most likely not viable" and later "most likely ectopic" but we beat all the odds.
- May 16, 08 ~ 11dp3dt (4w0d), beta #1: 15
- May 19, 08 ~ 14dp3dt (4w3d), beta #2: 43
- May 23, 08 ~ 18dp3dt (5w0d), beta#3: 213
- May 27, 22dp3dt (5w4d), beta #4: 1,073
- Jun 08 - Ultrasound showed one heartbeat at 7 weeks.
- Jul 08 - Had CVS testing. Chromosomes are normal and it's a BOY!! EDD: 1/23
- Aug 08 - Jan 09 ~ High risk due to: 1) Velamentous Cord Insertion, deemed biggest risk 2) Previous Placenta Accreta 3) Previous rapid degraged placenta 4) IVF alone can create weak placenta 5) AMA - Advanced Maternal Age. -- All resulting in almost 30 u/s and lots of testing, which ended up saving my life.
- Jan 09 (38w0d) ~ Karl is born! -- Crazy 3 days in hospital. Manual version to flip baby from breech to head down, Labor, Delivery, Emergency surgery due to cord detaching from placenta, Scary heart issues from losing over 40% of my blood supply, and then a blood transfusion due to the extreme loss of blood. Whew!
Blog Archive
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2008
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January
(70)
- Does this progesterone make my boobs look big?
- We talked about our "next step"
- That answers that.
- No comments please.
- Questions & Answers, Part II
- Questions and Answers
- Girls (and guys), today is "help Nancy out" day.
- 10dpIUI updates (now with confession!)
- Word Verification.
- oh yes, my 9dpIUI poas update.
- Holy crap. I got tagged!
- Pineapple #3 is done.
- As I start to obsess...
- 7dpIUI
- A few quizzes stolen from another blog.
- I'm allergic to pineapple.
- HPTs.
- Quick note about "age difference in dating"
- 5dpIUI 'trigger' injection plus POAS party plans.
- "What is wrong with you?" (& poll)
- "I have never knowingly taken steroids"
- Infertility sucks.
- I can be very self involved.
- The Hepatitis Song from Arizona
- A sweet surprise.
- I have a new post
- Colorado Bloggers ...
- Added in my TTC History to sidebar
- Lining (what is good?), IUI stats & IVF success rates
- Operation Spermination. Take 3.
- How long does an egg "live"?
- An update to today's news ...
- I like my eggs sunny side up.
- I love to POAS.
- Chugga Chugga Choo Choo! (updated)
- Vitamin poll.
- Bouncing baby tickers on pregnancy blogs.
- Eggs-cellant
- an answer?
- A few random things in my head.
- can my belly hurt a little LESS please?
- and when things suck, ~i~ suck.
- still sobbing on and off
- Nope, hope gone now. Cycle Cancelled.
- cycle close to being cancelled.
- And for my 200th post ....
- No, it's not about you.
- I'll sandwich the bad w/ two "goods"
- Whew. Huge IF vent. HUGE.
- cd13 update & a "holy crap" advil/aleve warning!
- I'm high.
- Whoa. I'm totally banning the Tyra Banks show.
- Two small things. Okay, three.
- I'm a big fat liar!
- Righty is an over achiever.
- Well now, ~that~ is a new one.
- Should I? (updated)
- I got a fancy new scale.
- Oh good lord.
- To wrap up ... Canadian healthcare coverage vs mine.
- I'm inspired.
- I almost had to "bleed" a pregnant lady.
- Assvice RULES
- When did I become "that woman"?
- Want in on a weird secret?
- My RE is on TOP of things (financially)
- Anyone ever take Femara/Letrozole?
- Creme de la Creme 2007
- HSS? We don't need no stinkin' HSS.
- cd1 snuck up on me.
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January
(70)
9 comments:
Searching for a metaphor. Crap shoot? Slot machine?
Only with much higher stakes.
I'm sorry you're feeling anxious today. I'm sending you calming thoughts, and hopes for a BFP.
You just verbalized my biggest fears about going back into treatment... the constant "why vs why not" internal debate.
If you figure out a way to quiet it, can you remind me of it in a few months when I'm in treatment?
Here's hoping for 1) a bfp, and 2) some peace of mind between now and then.
Hugs,
Beth
I'm right there with ya...((hugs))
I've got nothing but a shoulder for you right now. Big hugs & I hope the lost & anxius feelings subside soon.
*I can't resist- why COULDN'T it work for you this time- you have the best of all conditions for a ~real~ chance. It's not a guarantee- but don't give up on the could...you never let me ;o)
Well, infertility does suck, but I'm still holding out hope for a BFP for you!
I have plenty of hope for you that this IUI is working for you. I have faith that you will get your BFP. You've had more than your share of bad luck...your due some good luck, now.
I hope you're able to find a little peace during your wait.
I've had this exact same conversation with myself-I know how you feel. The fact of the matter is that your doctor wouldn't even recommend and IUI as a course of treatment unless he/she believes it could work. So it CAN work. It CAN.
It sucks. I'm sorry. I hope that this is the cycle that surprises you.
By the way, I really appreciated the comment you left on my blog.
I agree. I think that is why I am a little scared to do another IUI before DH has his issues taken care of.
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