Ugh.
Don't quite understand why I'm so upset about this cycle being cancelled. It's not that I was in the "this is IT" thinking. I just think it was the first chance after so many months of cancellations and waiting due to surgeries, a lot was riding on my "back at it" emotions.
For 24 hours now, time in both days, I've been walking around with having to wipe tears in my eyes, at any moment, feeling like it will burst. Anything can trigger it. Especially the "what's wrong?" and while I could explain it, no one will understand.
I have to go into the office today. It'll be a no makeup day, that's for sure. I hope no one talks to me. I'm going to hide in my cube.
... Once (and still) Infertile, but still Schnarky as hell. This blog is dedicated to the daily ramblings from the mind of Nancy. It isn't about anything profound in the grand scheme of things, but it ~is~ about things in my life, schnarkiness always included. I have a second blog, listed in my profile, but the blogs will continue to remain separate.
"I'm aiming for heaven, but I'll probably wind up down in hell"
About Me
- nancy
- I am a 39 year old woman. I am the mother of two beautiful daughters and a handsome son. I am a career woman. As for my TTC world, it certainly doesn't seem like I am "infertile", but I fought for my pregnancies and my TTC/IF history is on the sidebar. I have two blogs, which are both listed in my profile. One focuses on my daily life - including IF, TTC, pregnancy, delivery and even some "children mentioned" posts. The second blog is ~soley~ posts directly about being the mother to my three children.
Belly Pics for #3 only.
Click stick figure to see the consecutive pictures from this pregnancy only.
My TTC History
- Jul 01 ~ married
- Jan 02 ~ First cycle off bcps and opk shows ovulation!
- Dec 02 ~ Went to pcp for RE referral
- Jan 03 ~ Testing commences. S/A perfect. HSG clear.
- Feb 03 ~ Lap #1. All clear.
- Apr 03 ~ Clomid cycle #1. BFN.
- May 03 ~ Clomid cycle #2. BFN.
- Jun 03 ~ Clomid cycle #3. BFN.
- Jul 03 ~ Supposed to be IUI#1, but we missed cd3 so natural cycle
- Aug 03 ~ BFP on C18.
- Apr 04 ~ Ella born.
- Oct 04 ~ decided to ttc #2 and went off minipill to see if I am ovulating. I am. Will start next month.
- Nov 04 ~ TTC#2 starts. BFP. Holy Crap. No freaking way. No way.
- Aug 05 ~ Allison born
- Oct 06 ~ IUD removed. TTC#3
- Jan 07 ~ Large cysts found.
- Feb 07 ~ Femara cyle #1
- Mar 07 ~ Started w/ RE. HSG #2 showed R tube blocked. S/A normal.
- Mar 07 ~ more cysts, up to 9cms.
- Apr 07 ~ more cysts, 3 @ 7-9cms.
- May 07 ~ IUI #1 cancelled due to more cysts
- Jun 07 ~ IUI #1 (take two) w/ Clomid. BFN.
- Jul 07 ~ HSS showed scar tissue in 70% of uterus. Diagnosed with Asherman's Syndrome. Uterine surgery #2
- Aug 07 ~ HSG #3 showed clear tubes.
- Aug 07 ~ IUI #2 w/ Femara. BFN.
- Sept 07 ~ Monitored w/ hCG trigger. BFN.
- Oct 07 ~ HSS #2 showed scar tissue in 30% of uterus. Uterine surgery #3.
- Dec 07 ~ HSS #3 showed tiny amount of scar tissue. Uterine surgery #4.
- Jan 08 ~ HSS #4 showed clear uterus.
- Jan 08 ~ IUI #3, C16. BFN.
- Mar 08 ~ IVF #1, Transfer Cancelled due to lining. Out of 15 eggs, 9 were mature and all 9 fertilized. I have named my 9 embryos "The Mod Squad" and they are in the freezer, waiting for mommy to be ready.
- Apr/May 08 ~ FET #1. C20. 4 embryos "The Fab Four" transferred on 5/05. BFP!!! Very Low Beta (15 at 11dp3dt) but the numers continued to double every 48 hours. Told it was "most likely not viable" and later "most likely ectopic" but we beat all the odds.
- May 16, 08 ~ 11dp3dt (4w0d), beta #1: 15
- May 19, 08 ~ 14dp3dt (4w3d), beta #2: 43
- May 23, 08 ~ 18dp3dt (5w0d), beta#3: 213
- May 27, 22dp3dt (5w4d), beta #4: 1,073
- Jun 08 - Ultrasound showed one heartbeat at 7 weeks.
- Jul 08 - Had CVS testing. Chromosomes are normal and it's a BOY!! EDD: 1/23
- Aug 08 - Jan 09 ~ High risk due to: 1) Velamentous Cord Insertion, deemed biggest risk 2) Previous Placenta Accreta 3) Previous rapid degraged placenta 4) IVF alone can create weak placenta 5) AMA - Advanced Maternal Age. -- All resulting in almost 30 u/s and lots of testing, which ended up saving my life.
- Jan 09 (38w0d) ~ Karl is born! -- Crazy 3 days in hospital. Manual version to flip baby from breech to head down, Labor, Delivery, Emergency surgery due to cord detaching from placenta, Scary heart issues from losing over 40% of my blood supply, and then a blood transfusion due to the extreme loss of blood. Whew!
Blog Archive
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2008
(515)
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January
(70)
- Does this progesterone make my boobs look big?
- We talked about our "next step"
- That answers that.
- No comments please.
- Questions & Answers, Part II
- Questions and Answers
- Girls (and guys), today is "help Nancy out" day.
- 10dpIUI updates (now with confession!)
- Word Verification.
- oh yes, my 9dpIUI poas update.
- Holy crap. I got tagged!
- Pineapple #3 is done.
- As I start to obsess...
- 7dpIUI
- A few quizzes stolen from another blog.
- I'm allergic to pineapple.
- HPTs.
- Quick note about "age difference in dating"
- 5dpIUI 'trigger' injection plus POAS party plans.
- "What is wrong with you?" (& poll)
- "I have never knowingly taken steroids"
- Infertility sucks.
- I can be very self involved.
- The Hepatitis Song from Arizona
- A sweet surprise.
- I have a new post
- Colorado Bloggers ...
- Added in my TTC History to sidebar
- Lining (what is good?), IUI stats & IVF success rates
- Operation Spermination. Take 3.
- How long does an egg "live"?
- An update to today's news ...
- I like my eggs sunny side up.
- I love to POAS.
- Chugga Chugga Choo Choo! (updated)
- Vitamin poll.
- Bouncing baby tickers on pregnancy blogs.
- Eggs-cellant
- an answer?
- A few random things in my head.
- can my belly hurt a little LESS please?
- and when things suck, ~i~ suck.
- still sobbing on and off
- Nope, hope gone now. Cycle Cancelled.
- cycle close to being cancelled.
- And for my 200th post ....
- No, it's not about you.
- I'll sandwich the bad w/ two "goods"
- Whew. Huge IF vent. HUGE.
- cd13 update & a "holy crap" advil/aleve warning!
- I'm high.
- Whoa. I'm totally banning the Tyra Banks show.
- Two small things. Okay, three.
- I'm a big fat liar!
- Righty is an over achiever.
- Well now, ~that~ is a new one.
- Should I? (updated)
- I got a fancy new scale.
- Oh good lord.
- To wrap up ... Canadian healthcare coverage vs mine.
- I'm inspired.
- I almost had to "bleed" a pregnant lady.
- Assvice RULES
- When did I become "that woman"?
- Want in on a weird secret?
- My RE is on TOP of things (financially)
- Anyone ever take Femara/Letrozole?
- Creme de la Creme 2007
- HSS? We don't need no stinkin' HSS.
- cd1 snuck up on me.
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January
(70)
9 comments:
(((hug)))
Probably won't run into you today but wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you.
I feel the same way over a failed cycle. It's almost worse than a bfn for me b/c you went through all that to not even get a chance. This just happened to me on my last iui where we actually DID the iui (with injectibles) and then found out I never ovulated. Joyous. So my heart goes out to you. The work thing is very hard. My coworkers basically think I'm a nutcase.
Nancy,
Sometimes you just don't know what to say to someone, and this is one of those times for me. All I want to do is say the right words that will make you feel better, I'm sure right about now nothing can make you feel better though. I am really sorry all this is happening to you...but I'm sure you are tired of hearing that too, you know..all the "Im sorrys". But, I am thinking about you and I hope you can find it in you to keep in mind that it took you 18 cycles to conceive Ella...and I'm sure back then you also thought there was no hope. Keep your head up, you're loved by so many!
(((hugs)))
I am so sorry hun. It just sucks!! I am sending such a long hug mentally your way.
(((hugs)))
It sucks. I'm sorry.
So sorry you are in that mode. Hugs (or, if that makes you uncomfortable, what?, a compassionate handshake?).
Having been there myself, on a number of occasions, I can only agree that SOME people, maybe even a majority, wouldn't understand if you explained it. I think the specifics don't matter, just the fact that some of us can want something so badly that not having it and disappointments around not being able to change the situation can be a crushing weight on us and leave us hardly able to focus for long on anything besides how desperate we are. I too used to hide out and get triggered by almost anything at all when in that mode; sometimes I still do that. At least your episodes seem to be relatively short, however intense.
Not that you are asking for a way to get out of that mode or avoid it in the future (a particular interest that may be uniquely mine) but just by way of sharing the way it is for me, in case you were going to ask (ok, I know you wouldn't) or, absent that, for the possible benefit of someone else who is struggling and might be interested, I offer the following:
What I've found is that being in communication with people, whether professional therapists, support group members, or friends and family, stops me from getting too carried away with my own thoughts and feelings, which are usually HUGELY out of context. I used to just let myself wallow in despair but now I welcome the opportunity for assistance in reestablishing an empowering context for myself, which often comes as a result of reflecting on what's at the base of wanting something so badly in the first place and choosing to give that up or just put it back in context--like by acknowledging how fortunate I am in so many ways, genuinely appreciating what I have (such that it occurs as ENTIRELY sufficient and anything else just seems like more icing on the cake), and being reminded of how rewarding/fulfilling it can be to focus on being of service to others, compared to "having" some particular thing for myself. I'm much more clear than I used to be about the possibility that I could be very wrong about a particular thing making the difference I think it will for me. I'm noticing that my concept of what is "ideal" or, sometimes, just what I think would be satisfying, is sometimes getting in the way of me having what would ACTUALLY be satisfying. It's not impossible to do all this by myself but it is so much easier with the assistance of someone who is committed to supporting me in breaking out of a disempowered mode and choosing something other than recurring patterns of ineffectiveness and emotional distress. I welcome having someone assist, when I'm in a "can't see the forest for the trees" situation, just as I'd hope they'd welcome me doing the same, in turn, for them. Even when I don't think they can actually help me, I consider being generous in allowing them to contribute to me in the way they'd like to--maybe I'll be surprised and if not, at least they might have the satisfaction of not just sitting on the sidelines and doing nothing.
It needs a generic name. Maybe "Hugs Plus"
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