Whew. Huge IF vent. HUGE.

Until it happens to me, BFPs just don't make me happy. Sure, I'm happy someone else is happy, but I can't be truly happy for someone else's BFP itself. Happy FOR them, yes. For their BFP itself? Nope. Sucks, but it's true. Of course there are the exceptions - there always are. But without any due paying, it just isn't as a great feat for me to hear about and to celebrate as if a war had just been won. If anything, I'm happy I don't have to hear about their daily "IF crying" when they are on their 3rd cycle. I mean, it starts with 1dpo "I have a feeling it didn't work.". Oh, I'm sorry, you are psychic? Cause if you ovulated and had sex, then, well, you have a chance.

I should of started whining writing about how unfair it was to not be pregnant after only 4 months and maybe I'd be pregnant now. It's sure what I see happening out there in the newly pregnant world. How come the majority of BFPs don't come from people who actually had to TRY for more than a year - at LEAST? Who actually had to spend some serious cash? Who actually had treatment after treatment fail? Nooooo. It's the one who was getting close to wondering why. The one who called themselves infertile at the 6 month mark. The one who got lucky their first try. THOSE are the BFPs I read about the most. Oh yeah, it's because 85% of couples actually GET pregnant before the year is up.

Honestly, I think it should be a RULE that you can NOT bitch about "IF" until it's been a year. Exceptions aside, of course. Lost your tubes? Go ahead and bitch about it. Annovulatory? You too, bitch. No sperm? Bitch. Miscarriage? Bitch, bitch, bitch. I will not only listen, but I will open my heart to you. But if 1) you ovulate and 2) there is sperm and 3) there is a CHANCE for you, then shut the fuck up until you have something to bitch about. If you simply have some other stuff, FIXABLE stuff in the first year, then deal with it and wait your turn. There are way too many other girls ahead of you in the "bitch about it" line. I don't want to hear it from you. YES - I'll say "sorry" and offer a hug on a failed cycle. Even your first one. Cause failure sucks. But to bitch about not having hope after 3, 5, 6 cycles? If you listen closely, you can HEAR my eyes roll.

This is especially true for someone with a fixable issue, let's say, don't think they ovulate or maybe they just ovulate late. They noticed and were proactive and saw a doctor before their 12 month mark (or 6 if they are my age). Great. Get on the meds you need and get monitored until you get an ovulation. Maybe a mere 50mg of clomid will work. Maybe it'd be on the highest end of 200mg (or is the highest dosage 150mg?). Maybe you'll need Femara. Maybe something else. If you ovulate, wonderful. You aren't infertile. You just had to jump a hoop. Now wait your 12 months before incessantly whining about it. Again, I'll hug you for a failed cycle, but I'm not going to cry with you about being infertile. Sure, you had a problem and you had it fixed. But guess what? Now you are FIXED and you can go back into the normal ttc population of it taking UP TO 12 months and still be considered normal. NORMAL people. Having to take clomid doesn't mean you are infertile. Taking progesterone in your luteal phase because you have an LPD doesn't mean you are infertile. Having a ~fixed~ problem doesn't give you the right to complain about the fact you just can't believe you are pregnant yet. Sure - bitch about the fact there is a problem. But when clomid gets you to ovulate? Then shut up and wait. Did the clomid not work? Did the femara not work? Do you have to go to injects? Crap, that sucks. Bitch about it. If these things do get you to ovulate and you don't get immediately pregnant, remember, there is still a 12 month time frame. You are fixed now. Wait your turn. Did all these things NOT get you to ovulate at all? Another exception - bitch about it and I will hug you every time you need it.

I have NO PROBLEMS with someone seeking help with their fertility "early". In fact, I think the pre-conception appointment ~should~ cover some of the basics. Teach charting. Run some common blood tests like FSH, post ovulation progesterone. THEN let them try for a year. I think it's ridiculous doctors make anyone wait a year to even begin to find out if they are okay. Sure, 85% probably are okay, but for 15%, that year is a wasted year, full of heartbreak.

And yes, I understand the insurance aspect. Covering tests this early would be a waste of an insurance company's money. So couples who want the tests early should pay out of pocket. Blood work is cheap. An HSG and ultrasounds? Not "cheap", but not outrageous. And if you can't afford it? Then maybe a baby isn't the smartest thing, cause I could pay for an HSG every month in the money I had to dole out for a baby in those first years. I know I'll get some negative reviews of this feeling from me, but honestly. Babies are expensive! Diapers? What does that run alone? At least $75/month. (Cloth diapers are great in regards to lowering the cost of diapers, but the time and energy spent from washing them make it pretty close in cost. I wish more used cloth for the landfill aspect, but it's not much of a money saver.) Formula? Easily $200/month and cross your fingers your child won't need a special formula that costs WAY MORE (hello? Why do you think breastfeeding is so awesome?). Add in wipes and clothes and cribs and bedding and blankets and bottles and car seats and strollers. Add the extra heat/air conditioning you use to keep a baby comfy. Add in the extra water from washing machines and more power for running the dryers.

"I can't afford it." When I see a ttc-er say the reason she can't use OPKs is that they are too expensive? OMG. I want to scream. You can get a pack of 50 on amazon.com for $25. Even if you had to use OPKs every single day of the month, that is only 50 cents per day. At an average of 4.3 weeks in a month, that's $21.50/month. And most people only use them for, on average, 5 days/month. $2.50/month. You can't afford that? Seriously? And exactly how do you think you'll afford the BABY you are trying to make? And please, don't tell me you are not worried about it because you qualify for state/federal support.

I don't even know how much I can say about those who rely on support. WIC is great - it helps those women who can't afford to buy healthy foods for their pregnant self and then their growing baby. But women who will spend their "extra" $250 on a handbag because they don't have to use it for their WIC purposes? I find that an abuse of the system. If you don't NEED, then don't TAKE. Or a woman who won't go through the extra work it takes to breastfeed because WIC gets formula for them for free? Abuse of the system. A woman who doesn't take a work opportunity that pays the same or a little more than her aid because it's easier to just stay on support? Abuse of the system. A woman who is able to buy her children new shoes and can keep the house a few degrees warmer through the winter because she's getting WIC? Fine. A woman who doesn't take a job that would make less than her aid and would take her away from her children? Fine. I'm not against support. I'm not against WIC. But when it's TAKEN because it's easier or if it's TAKEN when it's not needed, I think it's horrible. I see these women pull up to the grocery store in beautiful cars with expensive rims and a stereo system. They walk around in $200 shoes and everything they are wearing is name brand. Their child is wearing name brands (and I'm not talking gap or old navy). They are talking on their cell phone while their oldest child plays with his hand held video game. At checkout, she opens up her name brand handbag and matching wallet, reaching in and handing her WIC check to the cashier. PLEASE tell me why this is okay. WHY it's okay to take something just because you qualify for it, not because you NEED it. Why do people think it's okay to take, take, take?

I'll admit it. I am happier for the BFPs from an IFer than a non-IFer. I know it's not fair. I know it. But until you are in my shoes (or any IFers shoes), don't think you wouldn't feel the exact same thing. God. And I'm a secondary (+) IFer. I remember what it was like when C17 failed when ttc#1. It sucked. But I hadn't done any treatment more than clomid and some tests. Good lord. The amount of annoyance I would have felt if I had already started treatment? I don't know how some of you primary IFers do it. Hell, I feel like punching myself in the face for some of the things I've said and for some of the whining I've done. What a *testicle I am.

* please see comment section to see how this is the more correct term.

It's just not fair. There are people ahead of SO MANY in line. So many BFPs need to be handed out before the newbies get them. And before the unwanted pregnancies get them. And before the teenagers get them. There are so many BFPs deserved before even I get one. I wish they got handed out by who deserves them. I really wish they were.

Fuck. I feel terrible about it all today. And I know, it all comes down to pure, 100% jealousy. I want a BFP. I've been working for it. I've been through a lot of pain (4 surgeries, don't you think that's enough?). And I've barely touched the surface of IF. I'm only on IUI#3. What about those on IVF#5? When is it THEIR turn? How come 85% get it in the first year? I've only spent 35 cycles TTC. And fuck, 2 even succeeded. So many people deserve it. And sadly, it's the 15% who deserve it more. But the 85% get it all the time. And I know it's not their "fault" or anything like that. It happens for those who it happens for. It's just not fair that the ones who try the hardest are the ones who don't get it. It's too ironic for my taste.