Nope, hope gone now. Cycle Cancelled.

Called my nurse to talk about actual numbers. She was very sweet, but I got out of her that there will be likely no hope for Thursday's u/s.

I had some renewed hope due to them being oblong last time and now looking plumper, so I thought growth ~did~ happen. But didn't know the numbers. Well, I was wrong in my hopeful thinking.

They look at averages, so that's what matters when looking for growth.

cd13:
~ 15.4 x 9.1 = 12.25 average
~ 11.9 x 8.6 = 10.25 average

cd15:
~ 13.8 x 9.1 = 11.45 average
~ 13.1 x 9 = 11.05 average

Sooooo, things aren't looking good for cycle 16. The best we can hope for is the 10.25 from cd13 is not the 11.45 one today. But that's still not a good growth rate to have hope.

I did get the following out of her:
1) follies do ~not~ go down in size and then regrow in a few days (kinda of a "duh", but miss hope sucks)
2) follies that stop growing or grow very little are also not good.

Using deductive reasoning, I have little hope for Thursday and she agreed (being super nice and all that. So I don't fault her for telling me the truth. It's nice to hear it, you know?)

Maybe the measurements today were a little off since it was the nurse practitioner doing the measuring. I did notice how she tending to measure "inside" the lines of the follie instead of "on the line" like my RE did. So maybe the follies would have been smaller last time if she had measured or they'd of been bigger this time if my RE did the measuring. I even use this as a maybe because she said my lining was 5.4 and my RE said it was 7.4 last time. Lining doesn't get thinning mid-cycle. So maybe dealing with millimeters, it's off a little bit. Off enough to allow a little hope to seep in.

I am going to prepare for the worst. Prepare for a failed cycle. But, I'm also going to keep using my monitor and opks to look for hormonal changes until it's all confirmed on Thursday (or that I get a major surprise).

But, I may as well get used to IUI#3 being a big fat failure. And start looking towards the plan for cycle #17.

(trigs here. children mentioned. nothing more to read except this below, so click out (or comment!!) before you read further if you don't want to hear about it)
.
.
.
.
.
.
Another quickie ... I spent 18 cycles ttc for ella. I spent 1 cycle ttc for allison. This is now cycle 16 down the drain. Shit. Which means, cycle 17 is next. But it also means cycle 36 is next. That is 36 cycles spent ttc in my lifetime (not in a row). 3 year mark. Yup, 2 of those cycles were successful, so I would never say I'm ~on~ cycle 36, but adding them all up, I'll be on my 36th cycle of major ttc (where I used at least opks. None were "let's just see what happens" cycles).

Which, pisses me off all over again. I mentioned this (on wedmd's ttc a sibling board) when I hit the 24th total cycle mark. And I got ridiculed to no end. One woman told me that I LITERALLY made her vomit. (wow.) She (and others) said how DARE I say I've been ttc for 24 months when there are women who have been ttc for 24 months ~without~ success. Other women admonished me for daring to count from my first month with giving me examples that since she started to ttc in Jan '03 for her first and she started ttc#2 in Jan '07, she couldn't say she was ttc for 4 years! Well, no fucking shit. I didn't say that. I didn't say any of those things. Everyone kept telling me I had to restart my "count" and I DID restart my count. I was on c5 of ttc#3, I didn't say I was on c24! I just said that when totalling them all up, I had spent 24 cycles, of my LIFE, ttc. Meaning I spent 24 cycles using OPKs and charting and doing all those things we do. No, they weren't all in a row. No, I've never spent 2 straight years ttc a child (yet). And I can imagine how when I get there, it'll suck more than being on c17 or c18. Just because they weren't in a row, doesn't mean they didn't happen. Let's say you got the flu 6 months last year, all for a month straight. I would be totally behind you if you said "All summed up, I spent 6 months with the flu". How is my counting my totals any fucking different?

Is what I say about my "totals" really that hard to understand? I guess I just have to keep in mind that most of the population just isn't that bright. And a scarier thought - these comments were from mothers who were trying for more children. Ack. I just think of how a copy of a copy of a copy gets less and less sharp.