When did I become "that woman"?

I've mentioned my upcoming IVF plans a few times recently. Here, in private conversations and on some private and public message boards. And I talk about how it's so strange that I'm ~here~ and already in the pre-authorization process. Like it's NO BIG DEAL to have IVF coverage.

Do you know that I've been insanely jealous of women with coverage for years? Even when IVF wasn't in part of my plan? Although I must admit that I would have probably gone for IVF earlier in ttc #1 and now for #3 if I had coverage - so I've always been a little miffed that IVF wasn't an option for me because I just couldn't see spending $12,500 out of pocket.

But seriously - whenever I saw anyone mention their IVF coverage casually, I got a little pissed off. I wanted each and every women WITH coverage to add onto each and every WORD about their IVF coverage with the caveat - "and I count my blessing everyday for this coverage because I know I am one of the few with coverage".

It's like I wanted covered people to bow down and feel humbled for the coverage they have. I ~know~ this is unfair though and it's why I never verbalized it to anyone. I would never ever of scoffed at anyone for not saying how they were lucky, although I know I quite frequently would have to add in "you sure are lucky" to any of my comments to these people.

And here I am. With coverage. Talking about it. Without the caveats. Just talking about it like it's normal. Good lord, I suck big monkey assholes. I do. And I'm sorry. I've become her. THAT girl with coverage. Who isn't visibly counting her lucky stars (but believe me, they are being counted more than you could imagine).

Quick question. Is IVF covered for Candians? I know general health care is covered, but what about IVF? Can any Canadian just get IVF for free? Meds too?

Along these same lines about the ~need~ I've felt for women to humble themselves for their good fortune, hHave I mentioned how I've recently become free from the non-humbling actions of fertiles? For so long, it's bothered me that girls who got pregnant easy and had no views into the IF world weren't falling all over themselves with the knowledge they dodged a bullet. I've always known they wouldn't be able to understand how IF feels, but I always thought they should not only know, but they should SHOW they understand just how lucky they were to conceive easily.

I finally came to an understanding how I can't hold this against them when they really have no idea "it" even existed. It was pompous of me to think my feelings and journey should be sought out and understood and coddled when they wouldn't even know to begin to look for it. Although, once I explain it to them, I think my journey should be respected. For example, after I explain 35 months of my life has been spent TTC, they shouldn't respond with "Sucks to be you! Only took 3 months for me to get 3 kids!".

Yes, I have talked about this before because now I remember my example. It's like someone who loses their ability to walk. This person may be quite pissed off that everyone takes walking for granted. But for most, walking IS something we take for granted because we have had no opportunity to think otherwise. However, if we become aquainted with the issue, suddenly walking is something that is hugely on our minds and never again will we take it for granted.

And that is how I have to think about fertiles. Until they have a reason, I can't expect them to know.

Why am I explaining all of this when I'm just trying to explain that I understand just how lucky I am right now? Who am I equating myself with? The person who just innocently doesn't know about something? The person who is annoyed that someone else isn't humbled? Or am I the person who has been explained the situation, yet I say something really lame back?

I think I am trying to say that I feel like I may look like that last person, but I swear, I'm not. I know just where I am right now and I understand the gravity of it. It's not something I'm taking for granted. And I should be careful not to make it sound like I am.