Tuesday, September 27, 2011

If you can identify with any of the below ...

... you most likely have the ability to irritate the hell out of me. (welcome back miss schnarky.)

1. ~ I've mentioned it before, magicians. I loathe magicians. Not because I can't figure out how they did something. It's because their whole persona is acting like they really are, in fact, magical. If they would just say "hey, i got this fucking cool slight of hand thing to show you but I won't tell you how I did it", that would be fine. Instead they act all spooky about it. Case in point - that criss angel guy. (nevermind his annoying way he spells his name) Stop acting so "oooo - i'm MAGIC - look how serious I am. I can't smile because it would throw off my shtick". I actually think a lot of their tricks are cool as hell and I'd love to see them do it, but drop the attitude. We all know you are not a sorcerer. We know it's a trick, hence calling it a magic TRICK.

2. ~ Auctioneers. Really? Do you actually think talking like that is going to rile the crowd into a frenzy of bidding? Look. I'm going to pay up to x dollars on item y. How quickly the bidding goes up doesn't change the fact I'll spend how much I want to spend. Everytime I hear on of them calling out an auction, I actually get a little pissed off.

3. ~ The whole "I can't be bothered to put on pants or shoes when I need to venture out in public" thing. Is it really that difficult to slip on a pair of flip flops and some pants? Or are you trying to be a social deviant by not accepting society's rule about how you should dress in public and you show your uniqueness by doing the SAME THING that tens of thousands of other girl do? I'm generalizing this phenomena to woman, mostly teenage and the immature early twenties set. I can't recall ever seeing a boy take part in this fad. Or too many older women for that matter.

4. ~ Some types of hats worn by boys. Hats are hats and you either like them or you don't. I'm just going to mention my hated top three hat styles. One - The whole flat brimmed baseball hat. I wear my baseball hat with the brim rounded. There are different versions of this, as I have seen them rounded so much that the brim becomes a tube. But the opposite of that, the flat brimmed hat, um, I guess I just don't get it. The whole point of wearing a baseball hat is to protect your eyes from the sun. Keeping the brim completely flat, so much so it doesn't even fit to your head - there are big holes on either side in between your forehead and the hat - defeats the purpose of the hat almost entirely. The only time this style will shade your eyes is when the sun is directly above you. Even ~if~ you are just wearing it to be fashionable, it just looks like, to me, your hat is too big for your head. Two - knit hats in any season other than winter. I get it. It's part of the whole anorexic, skinny jeans, emo/punk boy, 80s neon plastic sunglasses look. I'm don't even going to go to the specifics of that look i find overwhelmingly ridiculous. But the winter knit cap? When it's 115 degrees outside? WHY? Can't they think of another hat option for summer? Maybe that's why the flat brimmed hat came from. Who knows. Oh - the other half of this bizarre trend is to wear the cap on the back of the head, leaving the top and sides of hair to frame the face (or completely cover it). Three - berets. Unless you are Jamie Hyneman, this look is ~not~ good. Hell, even the ARMY pulled the beret from their official uniform. I don't think I have to elaborate.

5. ~ The whole starbucks vibe. Hey, I ~puffy heart~ my daily quad venti skinny vanilla with 2 splendas. Besides it being more expensive than heroin, I'm totally down with their coffee. It's a sad state of affairs when I walk in and they greet me by name and ask "your usual?". There are still two things about the chain I do not get. One - The snooty attitude of the staff. This has gotten HUGELY better over the years, but I still run into the occasional cower-before-me-for-I-am-your-god type person. Back in the day before I knew exactly what my drink was or ~gasp~ I needed help with the menu, 99% of the employees would act exasperated and roll their eyes over the fact that they had to waste their time while taking an order. Like I said, this attitude as changed quite a bit, but there are still enough of them out there. Two - I honestly don't understand why so many people hang out there. Sure, meet some friends, drink coffee and talk. I get that. What I don't get is why there are so many people who hang out there alone to read, do homework or work on their computers. Sure, the "they have free wifi" is somewhat understandable, but really, who doesn't have internet service these days? The reasoning that they need a place to study/read without distraction doesn't really fly - I would think sitting in the middle of a busy as hell coffee shop would be pretty damned distracting. Maybe I'm just missing something.

6. ~ People who take their job way too seriously, ie - one of the security guards at my work. It's good to like your job. It's also good to feel important. Unfortunately, with the latter, some people go a little overboard when they put on their security uniform. At my work, you have to display your badge at all times. Okay, fine. A problem occurred when my badge was expired. A new one was issued and it would be sent to me. In the meantime, I had to sign in everyday with security to get a daily temporary badge. Pain in the ass, but okay. Well, one day I came in during the weekend to complete some work. I signed in and went off to do the work I had. When I was leaving, I passed the security station. When I went through the turnstile, my expired badge bleeped. The security guard was suddenly on high alert. "Ma'am, I need to see your badge immediately" he practically shoats at me. I pull my badge's zipline to let the guy see it. "Ma'am, I need for you to remove your badge from its holder" he demands. Okay, um, here it is. "THIS BADGE IS EXPIRED AND I MUST CONFISCATE IT. YOU ARE UNAUTHORIZED TO BE HERE." Whoa. This guy is really serious. Trying to hide my urge to laugh, I try to explain how I already went through security that morning and was granted access. He doesn't care. The only words I hear next through the laughter in my head was "SECURITY BREECH!" and I lost it. My laughter did ~not~ lighten his mood. He was furious. The only thing I could do was backup and head for the door. I'm surprised he didn't run after and tackle me before I made it out the door. I half expected it. I think he has watched a few too many episodes of Dog the Bounty Hunter.

7. ~ People who view my tattoos as a universal signal for complete strangers to talk to me. The occasional "nice ink" or "who does your work?" comments are fine. You do not need to know what it means to me. How much it cost. The location of my other tattoos. I don't really care what the tattoo you would get looks like. The description of your brother/sister/grandma's tattoo. The reason you would never get a tattoo. I don't need you to pull up your shirt to show me the tattoo your clothing is hiding for good reason. And for once and for all, Yes, some of them hurt while some of them did not. Yes - they ARE real. I quite literally get asked if my tattoos are real all the damned time. Who the fuck would color both of their arms with a sharpie everyday? Most tattoos are meant to be displayed and will spark conversation. But for goodness sake, think before you speak. Just because I see someone ahead of me in line is wearing jeans doesn't give me cart blanche to ask them what size they are.

8. ~ Drivers who are so scared of cops, they refuse to drive fast enough to pass one, even when the cop is driving WAY UNDER the speed limit. I actually think this would be fun if I was a cop. I can guarantee I would play this game with the general public.

This list goes to eight.


MrsDrink said...

Sweet jesus, I can't tell you how many times people have asked me what my tattoo is a picture of. Take two seconds and look at it, dumbass...it's the goddamn Great Wall of China. It's really NOT that hard.

I was in NH earlier this year and some guy was sitting with his son (who couldn't have been more than 10 years old) in a restaurant I was in and the guy says (from 20 feet away, mind you) "What's your tattoo of?" and I didn't even have time to respond before his son said "It's the Great Wall of China, dad. Duh!"

EPIC FAIL, dad. Score one for your kid.

Lisa said...

I am so with you on all of your hat issues. I just don't get it.

I also agree about the whole Starbucks thing. The attitude (from years ago) is the reason why I don't ever drink coffee from there. Not a huge loss since I prefer "Tim Horton's" and am not a huge coffee drinker to begin with.

Thanks for bringing back the schnarky Nancy. I missed her!

Qwickset said...

Okay...I'm a loser and commented on each entry. Blame it on the Segrams and diet this evening...

1. Was just at the store helping our 4-year old pick items to add to her Birthday/Xmas list and I saw these mini magic kits...with Cris Angel's "I am Mr. Mysterioso" mug on them. I actually caught myself shaking my head in WTF-edness. Made me think of this awesome parody...

Cris Angel parody

Though it's not NEARLY as good as the David Blaine parody...

David Blaine parody

(brilliant!) which captures the "It's not an illusion...it's REAL MAGIC" spirit in it's essence.

2. You have the mindset I think everyone should have at an auction (i.e. here's my max amount, I won't go above it). I think that a lot of people just get caught up and the pace of the auctioneer causes them to bid with emotion. It seems the motivation is psychological.

3. I don't get out enough

4. Trucker hats...maybe I'm old...don't get em...gotta bend my bill. Knit hat comments...lol (and as you know Nancy, I'm generally not an lol'er). Erm...berets...speechless.

5. I didn't realize baristas had elevated themselves to the level of diety...are they now serving Kool-Aid to the masses? (sorry...too soon?)

6. Barney Fifes of the world rock. I get such a kick out of midwest Per Mar security guards when they are performing duties in public like directing concert or sporting event parking log traffic. Their level of importance has been momentarily elevated -- if shit breaks down...shit hits the fan...and fans get pissed. So yeah, I get it...and I appreciate it. For them, the illusion is real and really, that's all that matters. If we each did that on our drive to work each morning, work might be a little more bearable.

7. No comment...as I don't have any. Regardless, that would get annoying in a hurry.

8. 100% agree. And yes, it's crossed my mind that there sometimes must be a side bet.

"How slow do you think I can go before someone passes me?"

"Um....you mean right Meow?"

To A T said...

I totally HATE the hats! The whole falt brimmed hat fad AND leaving the sticker on it? WTH is that all about? And unfortunately I deal with college students on a regular basis. And MANY of them think they look cool or something...

Just don't get it!

Erin said...

Re: sitting in a coffee shop to work. I do that nearly every day. See, my daughter goes to pre-K from 915-1145. I need to be back at school at 1130 to pick her up (the parking is a nightmare and getting there any later pretty much guarantees that I won't get a spot). So by the time I get out of the school parking lot and then go to the gym, there isn't enough time to warrant me going home to work. So I go to Dunkin Donuts, get myself a coffee and mooch their wireless until it's time to pick my daughter up.

And the comments regarding tattoos, yeah, that's pretty much why mine are hidden by my pants. Wel, that and I actually enjoy freaking people out when I tell them that I have tattoos (2, to be exact).

jenn said...

3 & 8! Hell ya. My neighborhood is chock full of lazy sloppy girls who go out in their freaking pj's & slippers. I admit to the occasional walk if the dog in yoga pants & flip flops, but unless theres a midnight fire the general public is not seeing me in pj's!

http://www.halffry.com said...

Agreed with MrsDrink. Sometimes things has two parts along. Both are true.

Sarah R said...

LOL! My husband just said today, "why do people wear winter hats in the summer?"

I enjoyed this post. :)

Nico said...

I will pass a cop even if he IS going the speed limit. I go like 5 miles an hour faster than him, I figure I'm not going to get pulled over for that, maybe I'm wrong. But yes, people who won't pass them even if they are doing UNDER the speed limit - ridiculous. I think you're right about them having bets, love it!!