Wednesday, April 30, 2008

I made a half decision.

I'm ~not~ going with #3. If this cycle fails, I'll be doing #3 regardless, so just going to #3 now seems silly.

Tomorrow I will talk to the RE and tell him I will not do a partial stims cycle for my FET. I am open to do another fresh IVF cycle anywho, so next time I do stims is the next IVF. Which leads to the question "Do you think another week of trying to grow the lining will really help?".

I posed this question to the nurse this afternoon when she called me to tell me my estrogen levels were "great" (too bad that doesn't matter). She didn't really tell me what to choose, but did say "Nancy, you are maxed out on meds right now and we are already 4 days past when we'd normally do a FET." I think she was trying to tell me another week is not going to do much, so I'm guessing tomorrow's decision will be "go for it".

I think they are all worried about wasting my embryos, but in my mind, I want to ~use~ them. If I'm just going to another fresh cycle and I respond to stims, I can make more, right?

I just feel this is the right way to go.

Cancelled Again.

Well, kind of.

My lining never made it past the 7mm so my doc has thrown his hands up and given me the options of where to go next.

Option 1: Just go for FET. With a lining of 7mm, he only gives it a 30% chance of pregnancy though. If I choose this, we can start PIO right away and get to it.

Option 2: Take 5 days of femara, starting tomorrow, and then supplement with stim injections to produce some follicles. Then, go for combo IUI/FET in about a week and a half. Pros and Cons - I could grow more lining: pro. I could grow too many eggs and cancel: con. My embryos may die in thaw, but I'd have follies to IUI with: con and pro. After all of this, I may still not have anything and I just extended out my wait by another 2 weeks: con.

Option 3: Stop all meds and get AF. Then try again. RE said with lining issues, it tends to get better from cycle to cycle. But it may not.

So. Decision time. At first I was leaning with option 2, but now I think about the cons and that scares me. Better chance for lining, yes, but more chance for cancellations and failures. And we know how I feel about having "too many" eggs in there. I don't see how I could transfer embryos AND have follicles. Sounds tempting, but I'm very strong on my decision to not allow for too many. I'm not cool with SR in this case (knowing and trying for more, just to get what you want).

Option 1 is good because there still is a lot riding on embryos making it. And if they don't, then I've wasted the extra time. Option 2 is scaring me because of everything I said above. Hell, now I'm all confused.

I have a call in to the nurse to ask her about Option 2 without stims or IUI. To see how much of a chance I have at growing lining. If it's negligible, I'm done and going to FET now.

I'll obviously make my own decision, but would love to know, what would you do?

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Am I ~evil~?

One of my very best friends, Laurel, will say "yes" to this one. ~wink~.

I'm talking about a very specific situation though. It's about parenting. And how fucking hard it really is.

A few of my online stalkerees (me being the stalker) has recently had their babies and is suddenly in the "holy fucking shit, ~this~ is hard. THIS is what I was trying so hard for?" mode. Dear Serenity is one of them and her latest post just puts me smack back into newborn hell.

Before I go any further, I would like to mention what I consider "The Newborn Honeymoon". This is when a ~new~ mommy (happens to all babies, but a second timer knows better) comes home with a baby who sleeps all the time. This is when you'll get cheery smiles and things like "My baby is SO good, s/he only cries when s/he's wet or hungry!". And they talk about how sweet their baby's temperament is and walk around like they don't know why anyone would say having a baby is hard.

And then it happens. The newborn comes "home" from the honeymoon and you see what it's really like to have a newborn. It's hard. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. And remember - this is coming from someone who hit rock bottom as a heroin addict, so I've seen bad. I've seen hard.

Now, some babies stay quiet and sweet and continue to sleep all the time. But most don't. Around 5-6 weeks old, most babies will cry for ~hours~ at a time, usually starting in the evenings. These babies will cry for hours and hours - inconsolable. This is when most parents will think "colic", but believe me, I've seen colic and that's not it. Colic is the seventh circle of hell and if a mommy is lucky enough to have a baby who only cries for 4 hours a day - consider yourself very lucky. Personally, my kids didn't have colic, but I've seen it. I thought I had it bad when Ella screamed for 4 hours each evening, from 5-9pm. I would of sworn it was honest to goodness colic, but it wasn't. I've seen colic and I have no idea how I would have managed.

Back to me being evil.

I was a primary IFer a little bit. It took me 18 months to get pregnant, had a lap, had an HSG, went on clomid, but knowing what I know now - I was lucky. I wasn't REALLY infertile. I've seen infertiles and I don't think I was one of them.

Anywho, I remember wanting a baby SO badly and people telling me how in the meantime, while I don't have a baby, to enjoy my time. I used to be SO OFFENDED by that. How dare them tell me that? HOW DARE THEM!! "Enjoy my time". Fuck off.

But only after I had a baby and realized I almost lost my freaking mind a half a dozen times did I understand what they meant.

Seriously - me. Full on mental breakdowns. Sobbing. Sleep deprivation. I thought years of partying all night would have given me a leg up on that. Nope. I told my husband I wasn't cut out for it. I didn't know how I would survive another day with a crying baby. I longed for those ttc days.

And now I'm seeing these once infertile mommy's have their 'day' with the exhaustion and I secretly love it. NO - I don't love the fact they are miserable! But I love the fact they are now facing the reality of what they were trying so hard for. And they see what words like "enjoy your time now" really mean. Although I will never say this to an infertile, since they'd likely punch me in the face, I think it to them a lot. So when they "get" it, even though I never said it, I love it.

Don't get me wrong here - I think it's all still worth it. Those days you get a smile out of that little blob makes everything worth it. But babies are real work. When I was ttc#1, I'd daydream of walking around the house with a newborn, barefoot, singing quiet lullabies. In real life, once I got the baby, I'd walk around the house with a screaming newborn, barefoot because there was no time to get dressed, singing lullabies with a crackly voice through my sobs. Not ~quite~ the same thing as I envisioned.

I'm sorry Serenity. I'm sorry for all you other new mommy's who don't have time for a shower. It'll get better, I promise. But even know, I bet you know it's already worth it.

Monday, April 28, 2008

I met with plastic surgeon.

My 18 month appointment for "the twins" was today.

He said they looked great and very natural. In fact, more natural than most saline implants. Then he flips open my chart and noted that I went with the smaller of the recommendations. He turns and gives me the thumbs up, saying rarely does he have women that actually go with the smaller side. He says that's why they look so good. And they do.

(I do wish they were bigger though. They are so perfectly formed. Perfect. And I know they'd look fake if they were bigger. But they ~are~ fake. So would I care?)

Anywho, while I was there, I asked about getting rid of a patch of veins on my cheek. I hate them and have only presented themselves over the past two years. Yes, I can get rid of them, but they'll take me 1-4 appointments at $300 each.

Then, I asked about lipo for my love handles. No matter how skinny I am, and I've been ~very~ skinny, I've still had the handles. He checked me out and squeezed some and said that although I had fair skin, I'd still be a candidate. (does he ever say someone wouldn't be one?) They gave me a quote of $3,500 but said I'd have a 10% discount for being a repeat customer.


I'll do one or the other. First I have to try to get pregnant. But if I'm not pregnant by August, I'm doing lipo in September. If I do get pregnant, I'm going to do the facial thing as soon as the baby is born.

A plan. Sweet.

Oh, for lipo, I need to be 5-10 lbs from my goal weight. Which will be easy since I'm only 12 lbs away. Doc said it's stupid to do lipo if overweight because it doesn't make you skinny - it just gets rid of bad positioned 'old fat'. He didn't actually say that, but that was the gist of it.

Two more days.

My E2 levels are stabilized, stilling in the 1200s now for days. I am to continue with my delestrogen injections twice a week (Tuesdays and Saturdays), Viagra, Estrace and baby aspirin. Exciting times.

Another recheck on Wednesday. I would be thrilled if they told me it was finally the day. They'd start me on PIO and take The Mod Squad out of the deep freeze by Thursday. Sunday would be 3dt and Tuesday would be 5dt.

Of course, that would all be dependent upon my lining continuing to grow, my embryos surviving the thaw and then growing by some miracle.

Lots of hurdles left, but still trying to clear the 6th one. Someday, right?

This makes me want to throw up.

8/13/08 - I have edited this post in one way today - I removed the name of the author, removing her name and her signature. Back when I posted this, I did not know who she was, only watching her story unfold. I wasn't on the same message board she was either. Now that times have changed, I am removing her name, as pointing her out in public was not my intention. If you would read the post/comments, you will definitely see that. I did feel sorry for her situation, but pissed off about the decisions that got her there in the first place. I still feel exactly the same, so I'm not going to edit any words or comments. I was, however, in a more emotional place, as I was just past my first failed IVF and about to be cancelled on my first FET. Kinda puts a girl in a tough place. But that's not why I had these feelings, because I still feel the same. The spot I was in probably made me use a few emotionally charged words, words I wouldn't be making today. I'm also taking off the ability to make comments, as this was in the past and doesn't need to be discussed further.

(cut/pasted from a pregnancy message board.):

I'm blue (trigs)Posted: Apr 2008

If you are a happy pg lady please don't read this... I don't want to upset you. I am very blue today. I have no idea what is wrong with me but I wanted to write in hopes I can figure this out. I tried for 2 1/2 years to get pg. That is all I ever wanted was to become a mom. I spent so many countless hours crying, praying, and being mad that I couldn't get pregnant. Well it finally happened... I saw that positive and I was overjoyed. Then the sickness came... I suffered with BAD ohss and was hospitalized. I didn't know I was having multiples at that time. Six days later I was released but still very sick. Soon the morning sickness kicked in and it was very bad. It's so bad I can't remember what my life was like before this all happened.. was I happy, did I do things to be productive? I just can't imagine my life without constantly vomiting. Once we found out that we were having multiples my life hit a brick... sure I told you guys we were having twins but that is a lie... I have 8 right now and we are having a reduction next month to twins. I didn't want to tell the truth at first because 1. I am very Catholic and I am so against this and I just know others are too and I didn't want to cause controversy on the boards.. 2. I am in denial... and lastly I don't know if I will even carry the two that we are left with.. there is a very real possibility that we will loose the whole pregnancy. So I guess I would just hold it in and try to overcome all of this on my own. Only my parents and very close friend know.. everyone else just thinks it's twins! Oh what a blessing everyone says... only if they only knew... So right now I hate myself.. I hate being pregnant and I regret everything that I went through to get this way. I am so mad at myself for taking that trigger shot (against my RE's wishes) and causing the OHSS and hurting my babies. I wish this had never happened... My mom keeps telling me I am doing the right thing and I just need to be strong. DH keeps saying only two more weeks and you will feel so much better. No I won't.. yeah maybe the vomiting will stop because there aren't so many but my heart will hurt. I don't know how I can live with myself... or how can he? I have distanced myself so far from him that he finally broke down last night and told me how frustrated he is with me. Why can't I just accept it and move on? I don't know I say... I just don't know. So I am leaving this with my heart breaking and just hoping that I can find some peace. Thank you for listening.

... this is exactly WHY someone should listen to a doctor's advice. When overstimulation happens, they tell you to abstain for a reason. Now 6 babies will lose their lives.

Why oh why do people think selective reduction is just something that they can DO if they get too many by not heading a Dr's advice? Leave such a procedure for when a women ACTUALLY NEEDS it? (Like anything else besides a selfish woman's error?) I am not against selective reduction when it's necessary when the unfortunate happens to someone who's not expecting it. But I am not for it when it's used as a method of birth control because a woman can't wait another month to try again.

I'm sorry, but I'm pissed. I'm sure there are some who will feel for her, but I don't. She had too many mature eggs on an IUI and she was told NOT to trigger. But what does she do? Trigger and has sex. And now she's murdering the babies she made when she was fucking TOLD it was too dangerous.

What is there to do? Oh yes. Wait.

Another lining and b/w appointment today.

I need to learn to not get my hopes up, that's for sure.

Let me begin that I don't understand what the fuck they are measuring. How can the average be 7.9 one day and 6.8 the next? He thinks I'm averaging 6.8-7mm now and saw no big 8.9 spots. But the 3.8 spot was also up to 5 or something, I lost track.

He thinks I ~am~ responding, just very slowly. So another 2-3 more days. I'll get my appointment when I get the b/w phone call.

This sucks. Since beginning IVF, I've watch 2 full months of cycle go through and now w 3rd round is starting. I haven't even gotten a chance yet. I understand not getting a chance when I wasn't doing anything, but damn it, I did IVF! I am trying to do a FET! I knew these were guarantees of pregnancies, but I thought we'd get a CHANCE.

Saturday, April 26, 2008

Lining update and severe jealousy.

Updates first and then lots of jealousy second. I apologize now for the bitterness, but this is what a blog is for, right? To get it out before it eats me alive.

My E2 level was 1300, down from 1681 on Thursday. Which, makes sense because the majority of the estrogen is from my delestrogen injections and Thursday was 2 days after injection and this morning was 4 days after. In fact, I was due for injection today, so they should go back up. RE said in a cycle like mine, they will fluctuate, we just have to make sure they don't go down too much. Since my delestrogen is now at max level (it takes 3 injections of upping to get there), I should be fine.

Lining check was a little funky. I'm back to mountains and valleys - even though I had evened out 2 days ago. But, RE said that it's just some parts of lining are more receptive than others, so again, all normal.

Lowest part of lining was 3.8 (he wasn't measuring the thinnest before. This is only a very little section, but at least the thinnest is measurable now). Thickest was an astounding 8.9mm (I know!) and the average was sitting at 7.8mm. Can you believe it? It's growing. And a record 8.9mm? Unheard of.

So I continue my injections, continue my vaginal estrogen pills and continue the viagra bullets up my chacha.

We talked about a trial transfer, but he said it's not really necessary, especially since records show how easy all 3 IUIs, 3 HSSs and 4 HSGs were completed. All required catheter and there were no problems, just a straight shoot. He may get to it, he may not.

As for FET, I get a suspicion he's thinking of starting the PIO after Monday's check which means thawing out The Mod Squad soon. FET could be as soon as next week. But, then again, I may just continue to grow very slowly and thawing may not start for another week. If at all. Wait and see. Wait and see.

I am ~so fucking jealous~ of just about every other IVF and FET out there. The women who get a calendar and basically stick through it until the end. The women who see "tentative 5dt" on their sheet and actually get to have it done. I'm jealous of all women who get to finish. BFN or BFP - they get to have a chance.

I've written in length about how much the absence of the big ~chance~ sucks monkey assholes. I've been robbed of my chances for almost 18 months now. When I first started ttc again, I was plagued with cysts. No chances. Wait 4-6 weeks after each "cycle" for shot at a new chance. Then it was scar tissue and surgery. No chance. Wait 8 weeks. Then the surgery failed. No chance. Wait 6 weeks. Then a fucking third surgery. No chance. Wait 6 weeks.

Finally I'm given the okay to get an actual chance. I wanted to start with IVF immediately, but I had to wait for some authorizations. The 4th shot at IUI commenced. This was a real chance. After 15 "no chance" cycles, I got one. It ended in a BFN, but I can't tell you how happy I was that I HAD A CHANCE! I didn't expect to get pregnant - I mean, it was basically a "first cycle" where there wasn't anything hindering a pregnancy.

I've had comments over the past year and a half to the respect of "At least you don't have to see the failure of a BFN". But I disagree wholeheartedly. I did have to deal with failure, but failure at the very heart. I failed at even getting a chance. It wasn't a BFN in the poas sense, but it was a failure in every sense of the matter. I failed at even TRYING. When I say I was pleased with my BFN in January, I tell the truth. It's a hard thing to explain how I'm jealous of other women's BFNs, so I don't even try. The last thing someone dealing with a BFN wants to hear is my comment of "at least you got to try". But honestly, that's how I feel.

I read these message boards of women going to the next cycle and how upset they are over it and I'm literally jealous. How I long for to TRY to conceive. How I long for a chance. How I long for living my life in 2 week increments.

I failed my last attempt at IUI on February 2nd. Since then, I've waited for a chance. I even did IVF which pretty much guarantees a chance and still, didn't get mine. How I wish I got the luxury of fretting over how many embryos to transfer. Or if I'd make it to 5dt instead of 3dt. Or complain about being on bed rest after transfer. Oh how I'd give anything for that luxury. To just about everyone else, transfer is simply a step in their cycle - something taken for granted. To me, it represents something unobtainable. It's like the elusive BFP itself.

If I make it to transfer this next week, it will have been exactly 3 months since my last chance. I hear women say they don't know how to make it through their 2ww? Try an open ended 14ww. How I would give anything to be able to know when my wait will end - even if it's just for a BFN. How lucky I would consider myself.

Friday, April 25, 2008

I can't take anymore pregnancies.

So many BFPs for so many ~other~ people.

Why don't I deserve it? Why can't it happen for me? (okay, not just for me, but for a lot of other deserving women too?)

If you love it so much, you should marry it!

Remember as a child using sayings like that? I'd say something like "I sure love pizza" and without a doubt, some kid would retort "If you love it so much, you should marry it!". Yeah - they sure showed me for saying I loved pizza.

I was thinking about proposing marriage to my RE visits. Not to my RE, just to the visits in general. I love them. I love finding out what is going on. I love the updates. I love the call to give me results from my blood work. I love the ultrasounds. I love the discussion I get to have with my RE.

This cycle is a little different, as I'm not looking forward to the appointment to tell me the specifics of when the next step is going to happen. During my IVF cycle, before I had an inkling about cancellation, I was constantly working out the tentative schedule in my head. Each appointment would come that much closer to validating it. Each b/w result. Each follie check.

I don't have a tentative schedule in my head for this cycle. Due to the fact I am not dependant upon follicular development in the aspects of timing, I am forced to throw away any inkling of a schedule. It's driving me bonkers, but what can I do?

What is good about being forced to do it this way is the fact of disappointment. There isn't a current timeframe in which I need my lining to respond. I'm not constantly thinking "it needs to be at suchandsuch today or I'll be cancelled". While I still need the lining to fucking ~do something~, I'm able to take a much more relaxed approach to it.

What is bad about it is I an anxious over the cycle as a whole. So many people ask me "so when is the next step?" and I hate not having an answer. I hate not having the answer itself, not the fact I can't share. I hate not knowing. And while it's nice not to have the pressure, it sucks to lose the hope that comes with having a chance. I'm excited to finally get through a cycle sometime in the next year, but really apathetic about thinking it will be anytime soon.

My next appointment is tomorrow (saturday). Woohoo.

A friend of mine, ToriLou, got some bad news herself today. She was going through her first IVF cycle this month and her E2 levels are simply not responding after 5~ish days on stims. She was cancelled and they'll try again next month.

While cancellation of a month doesn't seem like such a big deal, to the person in cycle, this is huge. So please, if you have a moment, go over and give her a little hug in a comment.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Another day, another monkey wanding.

I had yet another u/s today to check on my lining. There is nothing I like to do more than get up earlier than normal to make a 715am appointment with the blood girl and the ultrasound machine.

The blood letting went quite well actually - she got me in only one stick. This is crazy because another nurse got me with one stick on Monday. Unheard of, I tell you. (My veins only give it up in my hands and it usually takes 3-4 sticks on average. When they can't get it from my hands, they move to my feet. Foot IVs is a mighty strange thing.) They've stumbled upon the secret and they're sticking with it. Baby heel warmer on my hand first thing and they pull with a normal syringe - not a butterfly, not one of those needle things where you pop in the vial. Just a normal syringe.

The ultrasound was next. Lining was a 5.8 at its very thinnest and a 6.8 everywhere else. Although I was 6.8 on Monday, I was up and down all over the place. I've filled out everywhere now and he said it was finally looking like a great pattern all around. He actually said "I am happy with your lining", which I've pretty much never have heard before, so I'm still reeling from the comment.

My "Learn Something New" moment was all about lining. He explained that while in a stimulation cycle (fresh IVF), he can't grow the lining after 13-14 days (due to all of the hormones). But with a FET cycle, studies have shown he can grow the lining for up to 4 weeks without repercussion! This is good news because we don't have time limit set in stone. I don't have any follicles growing anymore, since the femara induced follies shrunk back down after the addition of estrogen, so we aren't racing against ovulation.

I asked about the thickness he's looking for to move forward with me. He said "I would ~love~ to see 9-13mm". So I countered with "Well, what would you ~like~ to see?" He didn't get my joke so I had to explain.

He said 8mm, even 7mm, can sustain a pregnancy. He mentioned he saw a 6mm lining on a recent pregnant patient. But he doesn't like to proceed with 6-7mm because of the higher risk of miscarriage even if the embryo makes it through implantation with a thin lining. He also told me he cancels on the other end when a lining gets too thick. They'll talk cancellation at 14-15mm, but will definitely cancel if it's 16mm or over. I told him he doesn't have to waste his breath talking about that.

So it seems we can proceed at 8mm, but he would really like to wait until it gets to a 9. He cancelled on my fresh cycle when I was 7mm, so I don't think that would be sufficient. This means all I have to do is grow a measly 1.2mm within the next couple weeks. I certainly hope it's not a couple more weeks, but that's the time frame I do have left to accomplish it.

I am to keep doing the Viagra, Estrace and Delestrogen injections. He's going to double or triple my estrogen regiment, but I'm to wait until he looks at my E2 levels today.

As we were wrapping up the appointment, he wanted to take some notes on the side effects of the Viagra. This is still an experimental drug in the aspect of what we're using it for, so he's very interested. He took out his clipboard and started asking me questions ... "How is your libido? Has it increased? How does your vagina feel? Do you feel more moisture? Does your vagina feel swollen? Is it uncomfortable? Does your vagina itch? How are your orgasms?"

I sat there and answered them all. When he got to the last one, I said "That one, yeah. Noticeably stronger and longer. We noticed that just a few hours ago." The nurse cracked up and said something about sharing too much and I explained that I'm going to answer whatever I'm asked. She just laughed and my doctor said "Well, I'm glad you had such a great night!".

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Happy Birthday Bean.

(children mentioned)

Today marks my daughter's 4th birthday. It is ridiculous to me she is four. She'll attend kindergarten next year. In a blink of an eye, she'll be grown.

On my other blog, TheOtherLifeOfNancy, I recounted some of the feelings I had regarding her birth. I know most infertiles will not want to read a post such as that, so I'm not going to post it here, but just in case youu are in the minority, please so take a look. Thank you.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

No witty title available.

I've taken two viagra bullets today so far. And, um, well. The word "swollen" has a whole new meaning for me.

If I had a penis, I'd have an erection from the immense blood flow. I feel like I should buy a size larger in panties, but only in the crotch area. You know how Angelina Jolie has big lips? I can give her a run for her money, except not the same pair of lips would be compared. The lyrics to a 1926 song called "Tiptoe Through the Tulips" is running through my head. (get it? Tulips? Two Lips?)

And last but not least, I suddenly feel like I have something in common with these guys ...

Weigh in. Week 2.

My weigh in for weight watchers was yesterday.

Last week: 145.5 BMI: 23
This week: 142 BMI: 22

This week's change: -3.5 lbs, -1 BMI

Well, that's pretty damned cool. I'm sure it won't stay with such a great loss, in fact, I think 3.5 lbs in one week is too much. But if I can stay in the 1-2 lbs/week loss thing, I'll be thrilled. 12 more pounds to go.

Monday, April 21, 2008

The seven habits of highly fertile people.

Sticking pills and suppositories up your vagina.

The title doesn't lie people. I get to stick something up my vagina SEVEN times a day. Seven.

Nurse called with protocol:
~ Delestrogen injection increased to .1ml
~ Estrace, 3mgs total, 1mg 3 times/day, pill inserted vaginally.
~ Viagra, 100mgs total, 25mgs 4 times/day, vaginal suppository

Note - The estrace and Viagra are ~not~ to be taken at the same time. The wax of the suppository can interfere with the estrace, as the estrace dissolves very quickly and needs to have a "clear" entry path to vaginal walls. I am to take the estrace before the viagra, allowing this to happen.

That is SEVEN times a day. And some of this time is going to be at work. (Julie, I'm so sorry for the visual - I know you work with me and now you know what I'll be doing when I go to the bathroom.)

Also, I have a post on my other blog that I found interesting. It's about Buddhism and Me screaming like a little girl. Since it did involve children, I didn't want to put it here, but I will put a link to the blog if you want to take a look.

I can ~see~ the hurdle. Jump Nancy, JUMP!

My lining has "started to respond". Which means, my pitiful thin lining on cd4 of 4.8 is now a 6.8 on cd7. "A little less than thin" which isn't really that great, since to be thin, I'd still have to get thicker, but hell, it grew 2mm in 3 days. I'll take the small things, okay?

He's calling some fancy dancy pharmacy today to special make me some pills. I need to take some vaginal suppositories of both estrace and viagra. (yes!) Except they don't like you to just stick a pill up your hooha. They have the pharmacy crush them up and then they encapsulate them in some waxy substance and THAT goes on up. Nice. The wax will be an added bonus, dontcha think?

The thing that sucks is he said he doesn't want to take them together. And from what I heard (denise) is that you take something like 4 per day. Of one of them! So do I have to take double that? Please god, let that be a no. Maybe he'll have them crush up all four in just one little magic bullet.

I of course have to wait to get my E2 levels from today's u/s. I still haven't found out what last week's numbers were, but I really didn't care, since my follies we little and my E2 would have been obviously low. It was simply the baseline E2. I was wondering what my FSH was and the nurse said she remembered it was "normal, like around 6". It was 5 on cd3 a year ago, so I'm definitely getting older.

Other things to mention...

~ I met with the ColoBloggers on Saturday far far far away in Denver. It was simply too far of a drive this time. I was 30 mins late due to the drive was 1 1/2 hours, we met for 1 1/2 hours and then another 1 1/2 hours to drive home. Definitely too much driving (and gas). I love all the girls and I love love love to see them in person (even though I didn't get to sit next to Denise. But I did get to sit in between Duffy and Meg. But then again, those two mesh so well, I got to sit back and watch the tennis match. Totally cool, of course, just those two shouldn't be separated!) it was too far of a drive. I got to laugh at Denise's box of treats (viagra), Keiko's updates on her IVF, I got to meet JEN! Yay!, Heidi looks great after everything she had done lately, Lori said some dirty things that shocked me and made me laugh cause she's awesome, Meg's giant lupron shots and her "i want to be grumpy even though I'm not" neice and Duffy's hippiness. Oh, and I got to see some "points queens" show me their knowledge. See? All totally cool and glad to be there.

~ I got pummeled at Roller Derby Saturday night. I was working the penalty box and a Dallas girl came rolling in and slammed into the chairs, arms flailing. Her wrist guard slammed directly across my neck - causing bruising from ear to front and multiple bruises from where she hit me on legs and then in turn I hit my legs on the next chair. I didn't even play and I got damaged. My neck looks terrible when you look at it. It looks like hickies. Well, not really, since hickies are like immediately purple and these took 24 hours to start to turn color. But still, the after effect doesn't look good.

~ I got in trouble too by my husband. Rightfully so though. I went to the game and left phone in car. And then went to after party and walked in a group - opposite way of where I was parked, and since I didn't know where the place was, I didn't go off to get my phone. I thought "I'll only be here an hour". And then it went longer. And I had fun. And danced like a jackass. And then they were calling bar time. And I never called home. I guess I got myself convinced he would just assume I went to after game party, but he didn't. I think I was just trying to rationalize my bad choice. I don't know why I didn't just borrow a phone either. But I came home, at 2:39am to a very upset husband. I was in the doghouse until around 830pm. I deserved it though, so I just had to suck it up.

~ In the RE's office today, I met a fellow blogger! ToriLou was there with hubby. I got called back before I could talk more, didn't even introduce myself to her husband (Tori, please apologize to him for me!). But it was cool to see her. She actually just asked me "Is your name Nancy?" She recognized my voice from my voicemail message, so that was cool. Good thing I'm such a talker!!

Okay - that's a freaking novel of an update post. I'll update back after the call from the nurse about my viagra. heh. That's seriously cracking me up.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

What a pain in the ass.

I gave myself my first delestrogen injection last night.

Good news is it's such a concentrated amount, I can barely feel it. I do feel a little sore, as it was in oil, but barely. BARELY.

The injections start out very small - only .05 ml - A full 95% less than the amount of a menopur injection. The most it goes up to is only .15ml - still teensy tiny.

The PIO, on the other hand, won't be fun. It's a full 1.5ml (145% more) oil to push into my ass. And that will be daily. Definitely not looking forward to that. And I've heard enough horror stories thanks. I don't need any more!

So the nurse called and told me we were considering yesterday to be "cd4". And we'll re-evaluate on Monday.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Oh The Places You'll Go

How in the world have I missed Oregon?

I guess that makes me a moron.

Yeah, hurdle #6 is still waaay down the track - I haven't even cleared the bend yet.

Today's check was ~not~ to see if my lining was growing. Before we even started, my RE said "your lining will be very thin right now". And then I realized it's because letrozole is an estrogen inhibitor and that is why they were checking on follicle development, to see how much estrogen would be invading my system.

I have two follicles around 10-13 so he's not thrilled. Although, I never make lots of follies on letrozole, so why would he think differently? Anywho, the follicles should start producing estrogen, which the lining should start responding to because the letrozole DOES make the lining estrogen hungry. Since the follie development is less than stellar in his eyes, he did decide to add in ultra mega crazy dosage of delestrogen. It's a very potent form of estrogen (in oil) and is way better than taking estrace or the like.

I asked how this estrogen is different, because obviously my lining didn't respond when my E2 levels were in the thousands. Apparently it's not different, but he said this is why he gave me the letrozole - in hopes of making it respond better to the estrogen.

Next check is Monday morning. He said he'd normally wait a few more days to check on someone, but he wants to keep a close eye on me. That makes me feel better because if it's not where he thinks it should be, he could throw in something new to the mix. He said he had "lots of ways" to get it to happen. We'll just have to see.

The details: Due to the estrogen I was taking, I'm theoretically only on cd5 or there around. My lining was a mere 4.8 and they took b/w for LH, FSH and E2.

Approaching hurdle #6

I'm on my approach (u/s in 45 mins). I'll let you know the details when I get back.

Thursday, April 17, 2008


I've had two really bad nightmares the past two nights. The second is quite disturbing and about a baby, so don't read if you'd be bothered by it.

I won't go into heavy details, as I am a VERY vivid dreamer, remembering the most minor of details. Whenever I share dream stories, I usually get the response of "wow, how do you remember that much?" and I don't know the answer. I always dream like this - nightly. Usually not nightmares, but regardless of the type of dream, it's full of details. I don't know what it's like to not remember dreams.

First nightmare: Lots going on, but it boiled down to getting carjacked and my husband was shot in the head. I was screaming, holding onto the flow of blood, desperately trying to stop it. The blood was thick and hot, gushing up between my fingers as I pleaded for help. I remember the deep red of the blood. I guess I do dream in color.

Ever since ever, I have a re-occurring dream about the lack of getting help through 911. For years and years I would call that fucking number and I'd never get through. It would just not connect or it would just ring and ring or someone unexpected would answer (like my dad at his office) or something like that. I'd never ~ever~ get through. It actually is a little joke with me and my husband because whenever I explain a nightmare to him, it quite frequently would involve not getting through to 911 and we'd laugh at it's predictability.

Recently, maybe within the last year, 911 started to work in my nightmares. At least I'd get through. But now the theme is the dispatcher doesn't care. Or the police ~never~ get there. I'll wait for eternity, calling and recalling, requesting help. But it never comes. This was what happened in this nightmare. I'm there on my knees, trying to stop my husband from bleeding to death and the police are not taking me seriously. I could feel the tears on my cheeks as his life was slipping away while the paramedics disregarded my plight.

I should mention that although I dream in detail, my dreams rarely wrap up in any kind of ending. I wake many times during the night and my dreams just 'end' in a quick manner. I always try to go right back to sleep, to find out the ending, but I rarely pickup where I left off.

Second nightmare: This one was just a few hours ago, still very fresh in my mind. I had walked out into the hallway and my husband was getting the kids ready to leave for school. I then noticed a mess all over the floor and came to realize it was puke. I could even see little cut pieces of red grapes in it (I watched Iron Chef last night and mario b made some sauce with red grapes. I'm sure that's where it came from). I asked what the hell was going on and my husband said "it's from Natasha".

"Who the hell is Natasha?" I ask as he fixes his glaze into the opening of the bedroom to my left. I turn and see a crib next to the kid's bunk bed. Within it's rails was a very neglected baby, about 9-10 months old, covered in the same mess. I immediately reached out to her and ran into the kitchen. I grabbed a bottle of some sugary clear fluid and started feeding her. She sucked onto that liquid like she was starving. And she was. She was clearly emaciated. Her skin barely held onto her skull and her eyes bulged. She was in a little white onsie, clean except for the current mess.

In my heart, I knew she was mine but my brain searched for answers. I fired a line of questions at him. "Where did she come from?? I'm ~trying~ to get pregnant and I already have three girls?? Why don't I remember her?? When was she born?? Why don't I remember her??"

He just looked at me like a man would look at someone coming out of some blind psychosis.

"Wait a minute! When you take the kids to school, you only take the 2 girls! I've seen you! Where was the baby?"

He said "If she's not crying, I just leave her in her crib."

Now, my head is swirling. I can feel my anger about him not taking care of this baby (which, let me just say, is totally unfounded. He is a fabulous father.) but it is taking second place to the fact that I don't remember my own child. And I was leaving her to die.

I suddenly felt like I was in the movie "The Sixth Sense" when Bruce Willis realized he was, in fact, already dead. Remember? He started having flashbacks of his "conversation" with his wife and how it was actually one sided. All those clues that now suddenly made complete sense.

I had visions of me in the house and "hearing" a baby cry and now knew it was MY baby crying. And my husband was looking at me and knew it was all coming clear to me. He said "it all makes sense now, doesn't it?"

And I woke up with my lower back hurting (I have a chronic back injury).

I'm sure all of these dreams can be picked apart by dream interpreters, but I'm not one of them. All I know is if I ever do have another little girl, her name will ~not~ be Natasha.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

2 more days until next hurdle.

I have an ultrasound scheduled Friday morning to find out if I get to keep going towards FET. I'm on day 3 of the letrozole to see if it helps my lining get estrogen greedy.

Honestly, I don't have much hope. I am happy we are doing something, as if we weren't doing this now, we'd be trying it next month. But since the estrogen only was the first step (which didn't work), this is only the second step. Maybe I'll need the 3rd or 4th step of lining growing protocols. Who knows. At the rate I'm going, I'm definitely not counting on anything. I think it's easier to be ready for disappointment instead of being blindsided by it.

Even ~if~ we get my lining to grow, there is still a major set of hurdles to still clear. Thawing the mod squad and having anyone survive. Growing the survivors. Making it to transfer. Transferring. Implantation. Sticking. Good lord, it's amazing this works for anyone.

Just for fun, I want to count the hurdles for my situation.

Hurdle #1: Follicle growth.
Hurdle #2: Egg Retrieval of mature eggs.
Hurdle #3: Fertilization.
Hurdle #4: Getting physically ready for try at FET.
Hurdle #5: Getting hormonally ready for try at FET.
Hurdle #6 Lining good enough for transfer.
Hurdle #7: Surviving thaw.
Hurdle #8: Survivors growing.
Hurdle #9: Embryos making it to transfer day.
Hurdle #10: Transfer.
Hurdle #11: Implantation.
Hurdle #12: Sticky embryo making momma's hcg levels rise through betas.

There. 12 hurdles. I've made it over 5 of them. Damn, all that work seemed much more than 4 hurdles.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

I've done it. I've joined

weight watchers.

My scale showed me 145.5 yesterday morning. No bueno. I'm 5'7" and I can feel my body bounce when I run. So I need to lose some weight. No more waiting. Just do it. Now.

I joined weight watchers online. I started entering in my points yesterday and can I say "holy shit?" My breakfast put me at 17 of my 20 allotted points. 6 points for lunch and a Starbucks and I was 8 points over. BEFORE dinner!

I was 8 points over and famished. So I decide to work out to swap some points back. I jogged 30 minutes (a pathetic 2.3 miles, but I've got to start again somewhere) and "earned" 4 points. So not I'm only over 4 points. I ate a 1 point dinner (3 egg whites) and that was that. I ended up with a total of 29 points, 4 swapped so only 5 points "over" at the end of it all. Not too bad for the first day.

Plus, in addition to my 20 daily points, I have 35 weekly points I can use as I please. I had to use 5 of those for yesterday's overage and still have 5 extra/day on average. Looks like it may take me awhile to get used to this.

I don't want to give up my Starbucks though. I should since I may be cycling right now - I'll know Friday. But a tall non fat no whip mocha is only 4 points (instead of the 5 for the grande). I'll be living with that today.

Today's weight: 145.5 BMI: 23

Monday, April 14, 2008

I've been ipod-ing it today

and I must say the day is ~so~ much better when I get to have a soundtrack to it. I'm lucky to have a job where I can wear business casual (jeans/button downs) and I get to keep an ipod directly glued to my ear (minus those thousands of conference calls of course).

To my point here ... I found myself coming back to this song without really realizing why and I just sat here listening to the lyrics. A small snippet:

Sometimes i think this cycle never ends
We slide from top to bottom and we turn and climb again
And it seems by the time that i have figured what it's worth
The squeaking of our skin against the steel has gotten worse.

But if i move my place in line i'll lose.
And i have waited, the anticipation's got me glued.

I am waiting for something to go wrong.
I am waiting for familiar resolve.

This is an upbeat song - no sad & depressing songs this week. But the words are quite apropos - no?

Never use PEN.

My RE changes this around SO much, I have learned to never use pen on my calendar. EVER.

Today's lining check for my "oral estrogen only" mock cycle went as I pretty much expected "Your lining is very thin". Really? How incredible! Call the media! heh.

So he decided he doesn't want to waste anymore time. We're starting NOW. Here's my protocol:

~ Stop taking estrace pronto. This could start a bleed, may not. He said it doesn't matter if it does or not because this protocol can be done now or on cd1 so no matter what, it's cool.

~ Get the femara on board now too. I'm to take 1 pill today, 2 tuesday, 3 wednesday and 4 thursday for a total of 25mg. This should make the lining all jonesin for estrogen.

~ U/S on Friday to see what I've got. IF I got "multiple" nice follicles, we'll continue "natural" cycle FET. Yeah, right. If not much, we'll start the destrogen injections. To be honest, I hope we do the injections - we already know what my follicles do to the lining all on their own - not much.

So young grasshopper, what does this mean regarding a transfer date? No freaking clue. I'll go ahead with an estimate of late next week. Maybe.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

I'm going to kill my husband.

Is "justified homicide" a real defense?

I've been sick. SICK. Since Friday afternoon. Laid in bed. I feel shitty. Ugh.

He had to go up to Salida for work today. He was all worried that I wouldn't be up to it and he'd take the kids with him. Nice guy. I said I could manage, I just won't be doing much more than what was bottom line necessary.

He left before I woke up at 7am. 2 hours there. 2 hours back. Give him an hour at the work site and something to eat. Noon comes and goes - where IS he? He calls at 1:30pm.

"Hey, I'm just leaving Salida, I'll be home about 3:30!"

"What the hell are you still doing in Salida?!!" (me feeling sorry he got stuck with work on a Sunday)

"Oh, I decided to spend 1/2 day skiing". (there goes ANY feeling of sadness for the guy).

Seriously. Skiing.

It's hard to be the 1 out of 6

I had 6 cycle buddies for my IVF (including myself). Every single one (except me) got a BFP from this cycle.

Yay for everyone else.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

I'm really good at being non-pregnant.

Had my umpteenth blood draw today. (took 4 sticks to find blood today. Did I ever mention how the equation: bad stick + IVF + FET = very sad nancy?)

Anywho, that pesky hcg that was 5.4 friday and 1.4 tuesday was down to 1 this morning. Another hurdle I barely jumped over.

That's a good analogy, hurdling. I was in track in high school and I rocked the 200 and 400 meter. Put a freaking hurdle in front of me and I was the slowest on the team. How do you jump those things and let your back leg just trail behind you? I couldn't do it no matter how hard I tried. I'd need to clear both legs before I'd commit.

Back to my story - hcg is 1 and I've been given the "all clear" to do my FET in the aspect of hormone levels. Of course, still in a mock cycle (cd3 of a 14 day cycle) but at least when it's time, I won't have to worry about this one.

heh. "umpteenth" was in spell check.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

I want a baby.

I really, really, really want another baby.

No shit you say - so do most people who are reading this.

I can't imagine my life without this wish fulfilled. My heart aches. I am jealous over every stroller I see. I am jealous over every pregnancy I hear about. Baby bellies on other people actually piss me off and I secretly think "That pregnancy is probably undeserving. She probably didn't even have to TRY. Or she probably cried to all her friends when it didn't happen on month #5 and got it on month #6."

I know I'm insane. I know this. I know it's unfair to equate "deserving" only with "experienced infertility". IF sucks and I wish no one had to feel it. But then again, I have this psycho-ness where I'm utterly smug if someone didn't go through it. See? Insane. Crazy.

I honestly don't know how I'll continue on if all of this doesn't work. I know I'm incredibly lucky to have what I already have and I'll be forever grateful. But, I don't know how I'll live with this jealousy of the "natural" process of pregnancy for the rest of my life if I have to close up shop without another little miracle to call my own.

As it is, I can barely think about anything else when I'm not busy with home life. It's all consuming. When I'm home and doing the mundane things, I don't think about ttc or the hole in my heart. But as soon as the kids go to bed or as soon as I leave for work or as soon as I do pretty much anything - I'm left to my own devices and ttc is all I think about. If this doesn't work, will I get my life back?

And it's back on.

Talked to the nurse and since this is a mock cycle before FET, I can continue to take the estrace protocol. My HCG levels will just have to be under 1 before the beginning of the actual FET cycle, which isn't for another 2 weeks. Yeah, I think it'll drop .4 points before then.

My heart is just going to stop beating with one of these ups or downs.

Another setback.

Good lord.

Please. Can I PLEASE catch a break? Please?

My b/w from yesterday came in with an HCG of 1.4 (was 5.4 on Friday) and they can't start my mock cycle with an HCG of over 1. I'm going to have to kill someone if it doesn't drop .4 by tomorrow morning's b/w. Seriously. Going to KILL someone.

Using my math skills and assuming a steady decreasing rate (which I know hch doesn't work this way) ... I figured out the following:

Friday at 10am, HCG was 5.4
Tuesday at 5pm, HCG was 1.4

That is a decrease of 4 points in 103 hours, which equals to .038835 points per hour.

I have 38 hours in between the 1.4 measurement and the next one. Using the previous formula of .038835 points per hour, I should decrease 1.47573 points. I only need a .4 drop.

Now, I know hcg has been known to just hang out, but hopefully it won't. I will do all I can today by drinking as much fluids as humanly possible, hoping to flush out .4 points.

omg. I can't believe I may have to be postponed again. I seriously need off this rollercoaster now. It's not fun anymore.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

FET update!

cd1. Woohoo!!!

I called the RE's office at 4pm and they asked me if I could come right over. Hell yeah I could.

After the blood draw, it was monkey wand time. My RE was still there (I was told the nurse would be scanning me) and he came in for a look around. Ovaries? Not concerned. Free fluid? Good. Follies? Gone. So we are good to go. Well, kind of.

He wants to do a mock cycle first. Which scared me at first, but after the explanation, I am totally on board. Today being cd1, they are going to start me on an estrace-only "cycle" to see how my lining reacts to estrogen being the only drug. Then, on the 19th, they'll trigger another cycle (to come on the 22nd) and they'll start me on my FET cycle. This way, they will be able to modify my protocol based on how I reacted with the estrogen. Sure, it's "pushing me back" 2 weeks, but it's giving me an additional chance to check out how my lining reacts. Totally cool.

If all goes well on the actual FET cycle, we'll have transfer around 5/07-5/08. I can handle that. THEN, if it doesn't work, the next June cycle won't be so damned far away. I don't mind having to wait the month to try again, but to wait 2 months? Ugh - can't do that anymore. I've had too many 8-12 week waits due to all those surgeries and I'm done with them. The Mod Squad needs a nice place to land - no freezer burn allowed!

I thought the internet was "huge".

I went to steal a meme (didn't know if I'd post it or not) from the dear Dr Grumbles.

The thing was to bring up google images and search on your answers to a variety of questions, then posting the first image.

The first question was "My name is ..." and I typed in a simple "nancy".

You know what came up? Yeah. A picture of ME.

No, not a picture of someone named "nancy", but a picture OF ME.

Okaaaa, a little creeped out. I'm not even going to answer the next one.

Monday, April 7, 2008

Weird dreams.

I had very vivid ET dreams last night. Weirdo.

It started out with me being there at 8am for an appointment and them telling me it was at 1215pm and being really pissed and yelling at people. Then I came back and had the mock-transfer and actually 'felt' the speculum. Seriously. Who dreams about feeling the speculum? Yeah, apparently I do.

Then the dream morphed into something completely different and I ended up in Phoenix with people chucking giant rocks into the streets and me having to run away so I didn't get beaned with one. Then my car got stolen. ~shrug~.

Nothing to 'report' ttc-wise as I'm just waiting for AF to show. Based on Friday's b/w, it shouldn't be until Wednesday-Thursday. So I wait and continue to take in protein.

My neck-lump is still with me. Awesome.

I'm a little annoyed about the issue of poas too. I'm not annoyed ~at~ anyone, just about the idea of the subject in general. I understand that the majority of women don't want to poas too soon. That's fine. But don't treat the aspect of testing as something bad or weak.

It's simply a personal choice.

Some women don't want to know if it's a BFN earlier than necessary. They like to live in a mock-pregnancy world for just another day. Me? The hope of one more day is just more hope to come crashing down on me. There is no way I want to build it anymore than necessary. I've said it before, hope is a bitch.

Some women get ~more~ frustrated with obsessing when they get a BFN early, because YES, it can still turn positive later. Me? An early BFN doesn't really phase me too much. And a BFN today won't change if it's a BFP tomorrow. I'll still be happy over a later BFP. But all in all, for me, the easier "final bfn" is easier for me to deal with when I chip away at my hope everyday. Sure, maybe it'll be a bfp in the end, but if it's not, I'm happy that I didn't build my hope.

But see, this is all just me. I don't care if women don't poas. That's fine. But don't make the women who do poas feel bad for doing so. You don't want to? Than don't. You want support and reasons for not doing so? Great, ask for them and get support. But please remember some women do poas early for very valid reasons, so don't 'talk down' on the practice. - it's just not for everyone. (and just to note again, this is not directed towards anyone, just a subject that has continued to bother me for, oh, the last 6 years.)

Saturday, April 5, 2008

I just went shopping with

Denise of Freezer Buns! Woohoo. I know you are super jealous.

Although it started out a bit rough (because of me - see below), it was awesome. We got to bitch about things and laugh about others. We ~so~ have the same feelings on lots of stuff.

Time was short and after a "meal" of fried stuff at Chili's, we had to part ways. Thanks Denise!

** I have had back/shoulder pain issues for years. The top of my right shoulder just tightens and knots up and it takes a few days to work it out. Yesterday it was worse than ever. Just couldn't get it to loosen up. Then, this morning, I woke up to the ~front~ of my shoulder (neck to collar bone) swollen as hell. Full of fluid. Hurt to the touch and it looked freaky (think goiter) and I called Doctor. I was told this was ~not~ normal and I was sent to Urgent Care. My appointment coincided with me meeting Denise, so I called and thankfully she was flexible (you should see her do the spilts!). Anywho, my neck bulge thing was poked and prodded by 3 doctors who didn't know what it was. "It's a very unusual presentation" they kept saying. With an xray to clear it being a mass of sorts, I was sent on my way with the warning "if it gets bigger, if it gets hot, if you feel lightheaded or dizzy - go directly to the ER". See, one doc wanted me to go to ER from urgent care for an array of tests, but I didn't want to do all of that. So here I sit with a big fluid filled lump on my neck/shoulder and I'll wait. It looks like it went down a bit, but it's still obviously there. I still can't see the indentation of my collar bone yet.

Friday, April 4, 2008

It's too soon. (updated)

Apparently, based on my labs, I'm a good 5-6 days away from AF. Could have fooled me. I totally thought she was almost here. Guess 20 years of periods doesn't help me know what my body is doing.

When AF comes, we start the process over and we can still proceed. (hopefully)

updated: I was on a conference call working a production problem when I wrote this, so I couldn't put enough thought into details...

E2 is still in 1,000+. HCG (from trigger) still at 5.4. Progesterone is still there too, but I forgot number. She said I'm just still in the midst of my cycle, so when I'll get AF in 5-6 days, things should look much better.

Got the PIO and delestrogen today. PIO (in sesame oil - normal?) looks scary. And lots of it. Plus, the needles are huge. Ack. And the delestrogen looks like it's in oil too, but not AS thick. Same IM needles as menopur, smaller than the pio needles. But still.

Due to the free fluid, they want me to push protein. I asked how much protein is "a lot" of protein and they want me to take in 100 grams OVER the normal 65 grams in my 3 meals a day.


Okay, so I got protein shakes and stuff at vitamin place. The guy was hilarious, telling me what tasted good but with the good taste comes .... calories. Uh-oh. lol.

I said "do I look like a body builder to you?"

That good news fooled even me.

I got a call that I needed b/w and u/s today.

I apparently have a lot of free fluid, swollen ovaries and some quite large follicles still in there. Nurse said I'll get a call after blood work is back and one of 3 things will happen

1) they'll cancel this month. Over before it began.
2) they'll wait until Monday to see if it got better, which is just wait & see. This would be the "last ditch" before cancelling me. Not good.
3) they'll continue with this month's protocol.

She didn't seem too enthusiastic. I've got some hope, but not much of it. I'll update when I know. I'll hear in about 3-4 hours.

I can't believe you did it!

On my poll, the "these all suck" option was just a joke. And 20% of you picked it! heh.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Transfer in 2 weeks.


Um, I don't know how to handle good news. I've been really good at playing the "oh poor me" girl, but good news? Hrm. I'm walking around like my head has been cut off.

Okay, the story...

Nurse calls out of the blue. Tells me they had a staff meeting and decided to try me this month. May still not end in transfer due to lining, embryos, getting hit by a bus, but it CAN happen. That's all I ask for. A CHANCE.

So - AF is on her way. I'd be surprised if she didn't come today. I start estrogen and PIO Monday. I have to take more drugs and more stuff too. She's faxing me my schedule. Bottom line: Lining should tell us by the 15th. If okay, thaw 16th for transfer on 18th-20th.


How's THAT for a change in direction??

Pet Peeve venting time.

You know what I can't stand?

When women in the 2ww will start complaining about anything on the list of "early pregnancy symptoms", but not mention pregnancy. It's like they are fishing for someone to say "MAYBE YOU ARE PREGNANT!!!"

Good lord. If you want to obsess over symptoms, fine. Obsess. But don't pretend that you have NO IDEA that you are hoping it's related to a pregnancy. At least admit it.

Nothing can sum it up better.

This video is less than 2 minutes long. It's not the visuals. It's the song. Listen and you will ~totally~ understand. The lyrics are simple, easy to understand and short (most lyrics are said in first 30 seconds). Please, take a listen.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Things that are good about a June FET.

Okay, even though I hate this fucking wait, I need to see what's good about a June FET.

1. It won't interfere with my ~giant~ April release at work (April 19)
2. It won't interfere with Ella's birthday (April 23rd)
3. It won't interfere with Ella's birthday party (April 26th)
4. I'll have more time to save the money needed for more acupuncture. *
5. I'll have more time to save for the costs for the procedure itself.
6. I won't be giant pregnant for xmas (although this is barely a 'pro'. I know what it's like to be giant pregnant and it's not really that hard) but I could potentially be pretty big.

Um, that's all I can think of. Anyone?

* People tell me how lucky I am for insurance. And I know how lucky I am. BUT, I think it's assumed I got a pass on having to pay for anything. I still have to pay 20% (2,200), $650 for acupuncture, $215 for meds and yet another $280 for copays. That's $3,345!! Not quite something I just have in my back pocket. Along with the $16,000+ I pay for daycare each year, I'm pretty damn ~b.r.o.k.e.~! So that was for this IVF. I need to come up with another $400 for acupuncture, another $300 in copays and at least $800 for the doctor. $1,500. Hrm. I have no idea where I'm going to get it just yet.

Yes, this is much less than paying $16,000 for IVF out of pocket. But if I had to pay for that out of pocket, I would of taken out a loan. The way I'm doing it, I'm just paying with my petty cash, so to speak. And I don't have much of it! So I'm poorer in the present than I would of been if I paid out of pocket. Not debt to asset ratio of course, cause I don't have a $16,000 loan, but damn. I'm really really really poor. Do you know how long it's been since I've purchased a handbag? AAHHHH!!!! ~wink~

And if anyone can come up with more positives, I'm all ears! (and no "your lining will be better" crap!)

My luck is bound to turn, right?

I stopped at the RE's office to pick up my necklace I left at my Egg Retrieval. The nurse came out and asked me if I started my AF yet. "Nope, but I am enticing her with white panties and a sandwich."

And then she proceeds to tell me how they want me to have a nice big period with lots of hormones, shed that and then they'll build me up for a JUNE transfer.

Seriously. June.

I have the mod squad on ice, but that's where they are going to stay until summer. 6 months out of a year and I'll get two total chances. My IUI in january and the february IVF will finally come to fruition. Maybe. Remember - chances are it can still get cancelled.

How much more pitiful posts can I put up in a row? I'm beginning to not even like myself. I don't see how you guys are able to put up with me.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008