Lining update and severe jealousy.

Updates first and then lots of jealousy second. I apologize now for the bitterness, but this is what a blog is for, right? To get it out before it eats me alive.

My E2 level was 1300, down from 1681 on Thursday. Which, makes sense because the majority of the estrogen is from my delestrogen injections and Thursday was 2 days after injection and this morning was 4 days after. In fact, I was due for injection today, so they should go back up. RE said in a cycle like mine, they will fluctuate, we just have to make sure they don't go down too much. Since my delestrogen is now at max level (it takes 3 injections of upping to get there), I should be fine.

Lining check was a little funky. I'm back to mountains and valleys - even though I had evened out 2 days ago. But, RE said that it's just some parts of lining are more receptive than others, so again, all normal.

Lowest part of lining was 3.8 (he wasn't measuring the thinnest before. This is only a very little section, but at least the thinnest is measurable now). Thickest was an astounding 8.9mm (I know!) and the average was sitting at 7.8mm. Can you believe it? It's growing. And a record 8.9mm? Unheard of.

So I continue my injections, continue my vaginal estrogen pills and continue the viagra bullets up my chacha.

We talked about a trial transfer, but he said it's not really necessary, especially since records show how easy all 3 IUIs, 3 HSSs and 4 HSGs were completed. All required catheter and there were no problems, just a straight shoot. He may get to it, he may not.

As for FET, I get a suspicion he's thinking of starting the PIO after Monday's check which means thawing out The Mod Squad soon. FET could be as soon as next week. But, then again, I may just continue to grow very slowly and thawing may not start for another week. If at all. Wait and see. Wait and see.

I am ~so fucking jealous~ of just about every other IVF and FET out there. The women who get a calendar and basically stick through it until the end. The women who see "tentative 5dt" on their sheet and actually get to have it done. I'm jealous of all women who get to finish. BFN or BFP - they get to have a chance.

I've written in length about how much the absence of the big ~chance~ sucks monkey assholes. I've been robbed of my chances for almost 18 months now. When I first started ttc again, I was plagued with cysts. No chances. Wait 4-6 weeks after each "cycle" for shot at a new chance. Then it was scar tissue and surgery. No chance. Wait 8 weeks. Then the surgery failed. No chance. Wait 6 weeks. Then a fucking third surgery. No chance. Wait 6 weeks.

Finally I'm given the okay to get an actual chance. I wanted to start with IVF immediately, but I had to wait for some authorizations. The 4th shot at IUI commenced. This was a real chance. After 15 "no chance" cycles, I got one. It ended in a BFN, but I can't tell you how happy I was that I HAD A CHANCE! I didn't expect to get pregnant - I mean, it was basically a "first cycle" where there wasn't anything hindering a pregnancy.

I've had comments over the past year and a half to the respect of "At least you don't have to see the failure of a BFN". But I disagree wholeheartedly. I did have to deal with failure, but failure at the very heart. I failed at even getting a chance. It wasn't a BFN in the poas sense, but it was a failure in every sense of the matter. I failed at even TRYING. When I say I was pleased with my BFN in January, I tell the truth. It's a hard thing to explain how I'm jealous of other women's BFNs, so I don't even try. The last thing someone dealing with a BFN wants to hear is my comment of "at least you got to try". But honestly, that's how I feel.

I read these message boards of women going to the next cycle and how upset they are over it and I'm literally jealous. How I long for to TRY to conceive. How I long for a chance. How I long for living my life in 2 week increments.

I failed my last attempt at IUI on February 2nd. Since then, I've waited for a chance. I even did IVF which pretty much guarantees a chance and still, didn't get mine. How I wish I got the luxury of fretting over how many embryos to transfer. Or if I'd make it to 5dt instead of 3dt. Or complain about being on bed rest after transfer. Oh how I'd give anything for that luxury. To just about everyone else, transfer is simply a step in their cycle - something taken for granted. To me, it represents something unobtainable. It's like the elusive BFP itself.

If I make it to transfer this next week, it will have been exactly 3 months since my last chance. I hear women say they don't know how to make it through their 2ww? Try an open ended 14ww. How I would give anything to be able to know when my wait will end - even if it's just for a BFN. How lucky I would consider myself.