Saturday, April 26, 2008

Lining update and severe jealousy.

Updates first and then lots of jealousy second. I apologize now for the bitterness, but this is what a blog is for, right? To get it out before it eats me alive.

My E2 level was 1300, down from 1681 on Thursday. Which, makes sense because the majority of the estrogen is from my delestrogen injections and Thursday was 2 days after injection and this morning was 4 days after. In fact, I was due for injection today, so they should go back up. RE said in a cycle like mine, they will fluctuate, we just have to make sure they don't go down too much. Since my delestrogen is now at max level (it takes 3 injections of upping to get there), I should be fine.

Lining check was a little funky. I'm back to mountains and valleys - even though I had evened out 2 days ago. But, RE said that it's just some parts of lining are more receptive than others, so again, all normal.

Lowest part of lining was 3.8 (he wasn't measuring the thinnest before. This is only a very little section, but at least the thinnest is measurable now). Thickest was an astounding 8.9mm (I know!) and the average was sitting at 7.8mm. Can you believe it? It's growing. And a record 8.9mm? Unheard of.

So I continue my injections, continue my vaginal estrogen pills and continue the viagra bullets up my chacha.

We talked about a trial transfer, but he said it's not really necessary, especially since records show how easy all 3 IUIs, 3 HSSs and 4 HSGs were completed. All required catheter and there were no problems, just a straight shoot. He may get to it, he may not.

As for FET, I get a suspicion he's thinking of starting the PIO after Monday's check which means thawing out The Mod Squad soon. FET could be as soon as next week. But, then again, I may just continue to grow very slowly and thawing may not start for another week. If at all. Wait and see. Wait and see.

I am ~so fucking jealous~ of just about every other IVF and FET out there. The women who get a calendar and basically stick through it until the end. The women who see "tentative 5dt" on their sheet and actually get to have it done. I'm jealous of all women who get to finish. BFN or BFP - they get to have a chance.

I've written in length about how much the absence of the big ~chance~ sucks monkey assholes. I've been robbed of my chances for almost 18 months now. When I first started ttc again, I was plagued with cysts. No chances. Wait 4-6 weeks after each "cycle" for shot at a new chance. Then it was scar tissue and surgery. No chance. Wait 8 weeks. Then the surgery failed. No chance. Wait 6 weeks. Then a fucking third surgery. No chance. Wait 6 weeks.

Finally I'm given the okay to get an actual chance. I wanted to start with IVF immediately, but I had to wait for some authorizations. The 4th shot at IUI commenced. This was a real chance. After 15 "no chance" cycles, I got one. It ended in a BFN, but I can't tell you how happy I was that I HAD A CHANCE! I didn't expect to get pregnant - I mean, it was basically a "first cycle" where there wasn't anything hindering a pregnancy.

I've had comments over the past year and a half to the respect of "At least you don't have to see the failure of a BFN". But I disagree wholeheartedly. I did have to deal with failure, but failure at the very heart. I failed at even getting a chance. It wasn't a BFN in the poas sense, but it was a failure in every sense of the matter. I failed at even TRYING. When I say I was pleased with my BFN in January, I tell the truth. It's a hard thing to explain how I'm jealous of other women's BFNs, so I don't even try. The last thing someone dealing with a BFN wants to hear is my comment of "at least you got to try". But honestly, that's how I feel.

I read these message boards of women going to the next cycle and how upset they are over it and I'm literally jealous. How I long for to TRY to conceive. How I long for a chance. How I long for living my life in 2 week increments.

I failed my last attempt at IUI on February 2nd. Since then, I've waited for a chance. I even did IVF which pretty much guarantees a chance and still, didn't get mine. How I wish I got the luxury of fretting over how many embryos to transfer. Or if I'd make it to 5dt instead of 3dt. Or complain about being on bed rest after transfer. Oh how I'd give anything for that luxury. To just about everyone else, transfer is simply a step in their cycle - something taken for granted. To me, it represents something unobtainable. It's like the elusive BFP itself.

If I make it to transfer this next week, it will have been exactly 3 months since my last chance. I hear women say they don't know how to make it through their 2ww? Try an open ended 14ww. How I would give anything to be able to know when my wait will end - even if it's just for a BFN. How lucky I would consider myself.


Denise said...

8.9! How awesome is that?!

I totally agree, it is much better to have made it through a full cycle even with a BFN than it is to keep getting cancelled. I complained about this in one of my previous posts, about being jealous of people with BFN's simply because they got to have the luxury and hope of a 2ww. I hear ya.

Although I do have to say, after getting cancelled twice and almost getting cancelled with that next FET, getting that BFN was pretty hard to stomach. It was such a triumph to get to transfer, it just seemed like it had to work.

In the same way, I get jealous of people who have had chemicals, blighted ovums, ectopics, miscarriages, etc. Not because I would ever want to experience the pain of those things, but at least I would know I COULD get pregnant. Seeing those two lines is something I've NEVER experienced and wonder if I ever will.

Sorry, didn't mean to turn this comment into a long, rambling, it's all about me comment. Just wanted to say, I know how you feel.

butterfly397 said...

I just wanted to say I agree with you. The not even getting a chance to get a BFN really sucks. I haven't been through nearly as much as you have, so I won't say I know exactly what you feel. But having only O'd twice in the past year, I have an idea what the jealousy is like. And the one time my husband was 12 hours away for the 5 days before I O'd. So one shot in a whole year. It sucks when a cycle buddy gets through three or four cycles and you only get through one or two. Or when someone who got PG after you started TTC delivers, and you still have only had one or two chances at getting KU. I think I would rather have a BFN any day, just knowing that there was that possibility to have gotten KU. Not having any chance at all, it's just such a helpless feeling. You're doing everything in your power, and it's just not enough.

Congrats on your lining! It sounds like you are slowly jumping over those hurdles

Duck said...

I get this post Nancy, as I am jealous of you, and your lining (3.5 at the smallest - try 2.5 at the biggest), and your FET, after the delayed IVF from September to november to February FINALLY cycling and then not transferring because of the uterus of DOOM, now the cancelled FET in APril NOW May cancelled.... I too have this odd feeling of I just want to try and carry and damn baby, is it too much to ask??
I hope you move ahead with the FET soon, so I can continue my jealous to when you get that BFP.
I'm jealous, but, happy for you too.

MrsDrink said...

I feel your pain; I'm still not ovulating after 3 years and at least 8-9 cycles of acupuncture. I thought it was going to happen this cycle but instead, I really don't think it'll ~ever~ happen.

I am keeping my fingers crossed for you though and even though I'm not around as much as I used to be, I'm still thinking about you and hoping things go well.


Duck said...

I'm with Denise too, I get jealous of a chemical, even a misscarriage, because it means that implantation can happen, it means that the possibility of having a child is there... Are we nuts or what?

jenn said...

First off- con-freaking-grats on your nicely plumping lining!!! I am hoping for the best for you through this cycle. All the good thoughts & karma I can send your way.

I know that I am one of the ones who gets that chance every month & yet I am still jealous. I am jealous of those with a diagnosis- a reason why. I don't ~want~ there to be anything wrong with us, but I can't help thinking that I would feel like less of a failure if there was. Hell- I'm jealous of you for being okay with a BFN for a chance. (a well earned & most deserved chance by the way.)
Although my rational brain tells me this jealousy is ridiculous, I can't help it. I think we will always have that strain of jealousy. This shit sucks to go through- every flavor, every way. I can only hope for that elusive break, that chance that works, for all of us.

Swim said...

Grow lining grow!!

HeidiM said...

I may as well chime in and say I'm jealous of everyone younger than me because they have a better chance of having good eggs left; I've been warned that I may not. We all have our crosses to bear. I pray we will all overcome whatever challenges we do have and have healthy babies eventually.

Lynda said...

I know what you mean. Not being able to TTC sucks big time. I've been out of the TTC for #2 heaps myself over the last nineteen months. About to have surgery myself to have a cyst removed so identify!

chicklet said...

Hey, I'm kinda behind and just catching up now. I don't know what to say other than I feel for you. I know how it is to want something and not be able to know if you'll ever get it, to have results that aren't status quo, and to have to wait longer. Hang in there.