Friday, April 25, 2008

If you love it so much, you should marry it!

Remember as a child using sayings like that? I'd say something like "I sure love pizza" and without a doubt, some kid would retort "If you love it so much, you should marry it!". Yeah - they sure showed me for saying I loved pizza.

I was thinking about proposing marriage to my RE visits. Not to my RE, just to the visits in general. I love them. I love finding out what is going on. I love the updates. I love the call to give me results from my blood work. I love the ultrasounds. I love the discussion I get to have with my RE.

This cycle is a little different, as I'm not looking forward to the appointment to tell me the specifics of when the next step is going to happen. During my IVF cycle, before I had an inkling about cancellation, I was constantly working out the tentative schedule in my head. Each appointment would come that much closer to validating it. Each b/w result. Each follie check.

I don't have a tentative schedule in my head for this cycle. Due to the fact I am not dependant upon follicular development in the aspects of timing, I am forced to throw away any inkling of a schedule. It's driving me bonkers, but what can I do?

What is good about being forced to do it this way is the fact of disappointment. There isn't a current timeframe in which I need my lining to respond. I'm not constantly thinking "it needs to be at suchandsuch today or I'll be cancelled". While I still need the lining to fucking ~do something~, I'm able to take a much more relaxed approach to it.

What is bad about it is I an anxious over the cycle as a whole. So many people ask me "so when is the next step?" and I hate not having an answer. I hate not having the answer itself, not the fact I can't share. I hate not knowing. And while it's nice not to have the pressure, it sucks to lose the hope that comes with having a chance. I'm excited to finally get through a cycle sometime in the next year, but really apathetic about thinking it will be anytime soon.

My next appointment is tomorrow (saturday). Woohoo.

A friend of mine, ToriLou, got some bad news herself today. She was going through her first IVF cycle this month and her E2 levels are simply not responding after 5~ish days on stims. She was cancelled and they'll try again next month.

While cancellation of a month doesn't seem like such a big deal, to the person in cycle, this is huge. So please, if you have a moment, go over and give her a little hug in a comment.


chicklet said...

You're so excited about your appointments and all the info, it cracks me up:-)

Re your questions, yup, we did ICSI this time cuz last time with only 1 out of 9 taking, they thought it would help - and it did!

Re being awake, yup, fully, are you not? We're just a little doped up to soften the pain but that's it. So the husband gets to be there and hold my hand, or make funny jokes.

How's it work with you?

Spicy Sister said...

Not knowing sucks. Sorry you are in a holding pattern, glad some of the pressure is off, and hoping you get to a transfer very soon!

Denise said...

I totally agree with you. I HATE not having a concreted plan to follow!

Jen said...

Gag me with a spoon! Or, as it was in my dorky elementary circles, gag me with a purple twinkie!

For me, the fresh cycle felt so much more real. Like I was doing something. With the FET it was just waiting for my day to come. Oh, and a ultrasound once or twice...

Give your new love kisses for all of us.

Duck said...

I love my visits too, watching follies grow, I get a sense of things FINALLY moving forward....