If you love it so much, you should marry it!

Remember as a child using sayings like that? I'd say something like "I sure love pizza" and without a doubt, some kid would retort "If you love it so much, you should marry it!". Yeah - they sure showed me for saying I loved pizza.

I was thinking about proposing marriage to my RE visits. Not to my RE, just to the visits in general. I love them. I love finding out what is going on. I love the updates. I love the call to give me results from my blood work. I love the ultrasounds. I love the discussion I get to have with my RE.

This cycle is a little different, as I'm not looking forward to the appointment to tell me the specifics of when the next step is going to happen. During my IVF cycle, before I had an inkling about cancellation, I was constantly working out the tentative schedule in my head. Each appointment would come that much closer to validating it. Each b/w result. Each follie check.

I don't have a tentative schedule in my head for this cycle. Due to the fact I am not dependant upon follicular development in the aspects of timing, I am forced to throw away any inkling of a schedule. It's driving me bonkers, but what can I do?

What is good about being forced to do it this way is the fact of disappointment. There isn't a current timeframe in which I need my lining to respond. I'm not constantly thinking "it needs to be at suchandsuch today or I'll be cancelled". While I still need the lining to fucking ~do something~, I'm able to take a much more relaxed approach to it.

What is bad about it is I an anxious over the cycle as a whole. So many people ask me "so when is the next step?" and I hate not having an answer. I hate not having the answer itself, not the fact I can't share. I hate not knowing. And while it's nice not to have the pressure, it sucks to lose the hope that comes with having a chance. I'm excited to finally get through a cycle sometime in the next year, but really apathetic about thinking it will be anytime soon.

My next appointment is tomorrow (saturday). Woohoo.
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A friend of mine, ToriLou, got some bad news herself today. She was going through her first IVF cycle this month and her E2 levels are simply not responding after 5~ish days on stims. She was cancelled and they'll try again next month.

While cancellation of a month doesn't seem like such a big deal, to the person in cycle, this is huge. So please, if you have a moment, go over and give her a little hug in a comment.