Wednesday, April 9, 2008

I want a baby.

I really, really, really want another baby.

No shit you say - so do most people who are reading this.

I can't imagine my life without this wish fulfilled. My heart aches. I am jealous over every stroller I see. I am jealous over every pregnancy I hear about. Baby bellies on other people actually piss me off and I secretly think "That pregnancy is probably undeserving. She probably didn't even have to TRY. Or she probably cried to all her friends when it didn't happen on month #5 and got it on month #6."

I know I'm insane. I know this. I know it's unfair to equate "deserving" only with "experienced infertility". IF sucks and I wish no one had to feel it. But then again, I have this psycho-ness where I'm utterly smug if someone didn't go through it. See? Insane. Crazy.

I honestly don't know how I'll continue on if all of this doesn't work. I know I'm incredibly lucky to have what I already have and I'll be forever grateful. But, I don't know how I'll live with this jealousy of the "natural" process of pregnancy for the rest of my life if I have to close up shop without another little miracle to call my own.

As it is, I can barely think about anything else when I'm not busy with home life. It's all consuming. When I'm home and doing the mundane things, I don't think about ttc or the hole in my heart. But as soon as the kids go to bed or as soon as I leave for work or as soon as I do pretty much anything - I'm left to my own devices and ttc is all I think about. If this doesn't work, will I get my life back?

17 comments:

jenn said...

I start crying when I hear of yet another pregnancy. I have the same all consuming aspect- wondering if I will ever get to experience a pregnancy, wondering if motherhood is in the cards for me. Wondering how to recapture the life I had before in the meantime. It all pretty much sucks. I'm sorry & I hope that a- this fucking works! and b- you get a little reprieve from the ttc thoughts until it does.

Swim said...

Oh Nancy. Yes, yes, yes, I am there with you. It's so very hard emotionally when you want something so badly and nothing you do helps.

I want a baby too... NOW!!!

Beth said...

Nancy, I know you feel insane for those feelings, but honestly I feel like we all have them inside us. I too am incredibly jealous of any pregnant person I see, I hate it, but there is no denying it. I even think I will be bitter when my close friends start getting pregnant. I really hope this time works for you. Fingers are crossed!!!

Duck said...

I hear you. I too have days like this, when I get angry when I see a pregnant belly, or babies (I'm fine with bigger kids, it's the babies that bother me). It's like a full grown child is so far away from what I want right now, that I can seperate myself.
Embarasing but, I do rate "deserving" and "undeserving" pregnancies.
BUT lately I have been seeing lots and lots of twins, every time i see them, i just think, you didn't have sex to have those, and it makes me happy.

Anonymous said...

I am just a weird lurker to your blog. It started at webmd and then just took off. So I come and see how you are doing every so often. Anyway, I was wondering if you have ever thought about using a surrogate? I have doing research about doing this for someone, so just want to know from someone struggling if this is way off base, or if you ever think about it. Sorry for being a weird lurker, but I am hooked to your blog!!

Heather

Morgan said...

Nancy...I just want to give you a big ole' hug right now.

(((HUGS)))

This sucks. It fucking sucks and im so sorry Nancy. Right now lets try not to think about "WHAT IF" it doesnt work, or WHAT IF it never happens. I know you are wondering how you will ever get your life back to normal without thinking about it all day long, and truthfully I wonder the same thing about myself. I remember 'back in the day' before me and Kevin started trying, I'd see kids somewhere and play and talk to them, and when i saw a stroller or carseat I thought NOTHING of it. Things are different now, and I find myself not even able to smile at other babies. It sounds so cruel and evil but how do you smile at something that you want so bad and don't have. My heart isn't even full of joy anymore when I see a baby and I don't know if it ever will be until I have one of my own. I don't want to disrespect you any sort of way, I've only been trying for a year and you are probably thinking in your head "bitch thats nothing compared to what I've been through" and you are right, but that's why I admire you so much because of everything you have gone through and you STILL have the strength to get up everyday and go on with your life. But some days...I just feel nothing anymore. I feel no jealousy, sadness, nothing. Just numbness...nothing else. I just hope ya know I am here for you everyday and tons of other girls too...you are loved by so many! So even though it's hard right now...give me a koolaide smile! :)

Io said...

Damn. If that's crazy and insane, then so am I. I was trying *so* hard to be happy for my friends who got pregnant accidentally (while she was *supposedly* on the pill)and I was there for the birth and I managed to almost squash all of my feelings...until they broke up two months after their daughter was born. I can't even talk to them at this point because I just want to yell - all the rage at them having this baby they didn't even want and then breaking up and UG. So undeserving. Even though I know that is bitchy and unfair...

Misty said...

Oh my Nancy, you've hit the nail on the head with this post. I started to tear up as soon as I read the beginning of your post. That is the same way I feel. My innerself starts a discussion about how that mother is undeserving or how she didn't have to TTC and go through all the m/c's and IF like I am. I pray that I get to return to "normal" soon. If I can get PG, maintain a PG and have a baby, then what? I know I will want another....then this TTC stuff will manifest my life again. Does this madness ever end???

nancy said...

Heather, no - we won't go that route. Since I am lucky in the aspect of having children already, if we don't end up with more by me having one, that'll be that.

Trace said...

Yup, yup, yup. I'm in total agreement w/thinking about it nonstop. Usually during the day at work. Not so much at home w/my wonderful Sweetness.

Anonymous said...

I felt like you were reading my heart just now. I know it's ugly but I feel the same exact way! I do the "your not worthy to ne pregnant thing" too.

JamieD said...

When I see other pregnant people, I have the same thoughts, then I feel guilty for thinking those things about people I don't even know.

TTC has made me terribly judgemental. I rarely come across a pregnant person who I think is more deserving than me. :-)

Rachel Inbar said...

I was totally obsessed with wanting a 4th child. I don't think there was a day that went by that I didn't beg my (now ex) husband to let me try just one more round of IVF. Not a day during 5 years. I wasn't sure if I would ever be OK not having another. Thank G-d I never had to find out. I do, however, have a 9-year gap between my twins and the next one.

the queen said...

I've been linked here by a fellow blogger that we apparently have in common. She thought I'd relate to you.

Hello. I thought I was the only one
http://aqueenintraining.blogspot.com/2008/04/corner-of-my-heart.html

trisha said...

Nancy..how do you know that they havent experianced the same thing as you. Would it be fair when you get PG for someone else to think that baout you, and spite you, and think your undeserving? I just think you of all people, going with what you are going through, should know not to judge what you cant see. Just like someone can make judgements that you have "two healthy kids" why should you "get another", you can give a million reasons why,a nd you should...same as a PG person could have a million reasons why they should be PG.
YOu know i love love love you and support you. I just wanted to point that out,
trisha

nancy said...

Trisha, I do know that all. Still, blogs are nice "poor me" vehicles :)

trisha said...

I feel that. LOL! And im probably the only non IFer that reads this blog, so in all fairness, my opinion doesnt count. Im just here as a thorn in your side. LOL