I really, really, really want another baby.
No shit you say - so do most people who are reading this.
I can't imagine my life without this wish fulfilled. My heart aches. I am jealous over every stroller I see. I am jealous over every pregnancy I hear about. Baby bellies on other people actually piss me off and I secretly think "That pregnancy is probably undeserving. She probably didn't even have to TRY. Or she probably cried to all her friends when it didn't happen on month #5 and got it on month #6."
I know I'm insane. I know this. I know it's unfair to equate "deserving" only with "experienced infertility". IF sucks and I wish no one had to feel it. But then again, I have this psycho-ness where I'm utterly smug if someone didn't go through it. See? Insane. Crazy.
I honestly don't know how I'll continue on if all of this doesn't work. I know I'm incredibly lucky to have what I already have and I'll be forever grateful. But, I don't know how I'll live with this jealousy of the "natural" process of pregnancy for the rest of my life if I have to close up shop without another little miracle to call my own.
As it is, I can barely think about anything else when I'm not busy with home life. It's all consuming. When I'm home and doing the mundane things, I don't think about ttc or the hole in my heart. But as soon as the kids go to bed or as soon as I leave for work or as soon as I do pretty much anything - I'm left to my own devices and ttc is all I think about. If this doesn't work, will I get my life back?
... Once (and still) Infertile, but still Schnarky as hell. This blog is dedicated to the daily ramblings from the mind of Nancy. It isn't about anything profound in the grand scheme of things, but it ~is~ about things in my life, schnarkiness always included. I have a second blog, listed in my profile, but the blogs will continue to remain separate.
"I'm aiming for heaven, but I'll probably wind up down in hell"
About Me
- nancy
- I am a 39 year old woman. I am the mother of two beautiful daughters and a handsome son. I am a career woman. As for my TTC world, it certainly doesn't seem like I am "infertile", but I fought for my pregnancies and my TTC/IF history is on the sidebar. I have two blogs, which are both listed in my profile. One focuses on my daily life - including IF, TTC, pregnancy, delivery and even some "children mentioned" posts. The second blog is ~soley~ posts directly about being the mother to my three children.
Belly Pics for #3 only.
Click stick figure to see the consecutive pictures from this pregnancy only.
My TTC History
- Jul 01 ~ married
- Jan 02 ~ First cycle off bcps and opk shows ovulation!
- Dec 02 ~ Went to pcp for RE referral
- Jan 03 ~ Testing commences. S/A perfect. HSG clear.
- Feb 03 ~ Lap #1. All clear.
- Apr 03 ~ Clomid cycle #1. BFN.
- May 03 ~ Clomid cycle #2. BFN.
- Jun 03 ~ Clomid cycle #3. BFN.
- Jul 03 ~ Supposed to be IUI#1, but we missed cd3 so natural cycle
- Aug 03 ~ BFP on C18.
- Apr 04 ~ Ella born.
- Oct 04 ~ decided to ttc #2 and went off minipill to see if I am ovulating. I am. Will start next month.
- Nov 04 ~ TTC#2 starts. BFP. Holy Crap. No freaking way. No way.
- Aug 05 ~ Allison born
- Oct 06 ~ IUD removed. TTC#3
- Jan 07 ~ Large cysts found.
- Feb 07 ~ Femara cyle #1
- Mar 07 ~ Started w/ RE. HSG #2 showed R tube blocked. S/A normal.
- Mar 07 ~ more cysts, up to 9cms.
- Apr 07 ~ more cysts, 3 @ 7-9cms.
- May 07 ~ IUI #1 cancelled due to more cysts
- Jun 07 ~ IUI #1 (take two) w/ Clomid. BFN.
- Jul 07 ~ HSS showed scar tissue in 70% of uterus. Diagnosed with Asherman's Syndrome. Uterine surgery #2
- Aug 07 ~ HSG #3 showed clear tubes.
- Aug 07 ~ IUI #2 w/ Femara. BFN.
- Sept 07 ~ Monitored w/ hCG trigger. BFN.
- Oct 07 ~ HSS #2 showed scar tissue in 30% of uterus. Uterine surgery #3.
- Dec 07 ~ HSS #3 showed tiny amount of scar tissue. Uterine surgery #4.
- Jan 08 ~ HSS #4 showed clear uterus.
- Jan 08 ~ IUI #3, C16. BFN.
- Mar 08 ~ IVF #1, Transfer Cancelled due to lining. Out of 15 eggs, 9 were mature and all 9 fertilized. I have named my 9 embryos "The Mod Squad" and they are in the freezer, waiting for mommy to be ready.
- Apr/May 08 ~ FET #1. C20. 4 embryos "The Fab Four" transferred on 5/05. BFP!!! Very Low Beta (15 at 11dp3dt) but the numers continued to double every 48 hours. Told it was "most likely not viable" and later "most likely ectopic" but we beat all the odds.
- May 16, 08 ~ 11dp3dt (4w0d), beta #1: 15
- May 19, 08 ~ 14dp3dt (4w3d), beta #2: 43
- May 23, 08 ~ 18dp3dt (5w0d), beta#3: 213
- May 27, 22dp3dt (5w4d), beta #4: 1,073
- Jun 08 - Ultrasound showed one heartbeat at 7 weeks.
- Jul 08 - Had CVS testing. Chromosomes are normal and it's a BOY!! EDD: 1/23
- Aug 08 - Jan 09 ~ High risk due to: 1) Velamentous Cord Insertion, deemed biggest risk 2) Previous Placenta Accreta 3) Previous rapid degraged placenta 4) IVF alone can create weak placenta 5) AMA - Advanced Maternal Age. -- All resulting in almost 30 u/s and lots of testing, which ended up saving my life.
- Jan 09 (38w0d) ~ Karl is born! -- Crazy 3 days in hospital. Manual version to flip baby from breech to head down, Labor, Delivery, Emergency surgery due to cord detaching from placenta, Scary heart issues from losing over 40% of my blood supply, and then a blood transfusion due to the extreme loss of blood. Whew!
Blog Archive
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2008
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April
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- I made a half decision.
- Cancelled Again.
- Am I ~evil~?
- I met with plastic surgeon.
- Two more days.
- This makes me want to throw up.
- What is there to do? Oh yes. Wait.
- Lining update and severe jealousy.
- I can't take anymore pregnancies.
- If you love it so much, you should marry it!
- Another day, another monkey wanding.
- Happy Birthday Bean.
- No witty title available.
- Weigh in. Week 2.
- The seven habits of highly fertile people.
- I can ~see~ the hurdle. Jump Nancy, JUMP!
- What a pain in the ass.
- Oh The Places You'll Go
- I guess that makes me a moron.
- Approaching hurdle #6
- Nightmares.
- 2 more days until next hurdle.
- I've done it. I've joined
- I've been ipod-ing it today
- Never use PEN.
- I'm going to kill my husband.
- It's hard to be the 1 out of 6
- I'm really good at being non-pregnant.
- I want a baby.
- And it's back on.
- Another setback.
- FET update!
- I thought the internet was "huge".
- Weird dreams.
- I just went shopping with
- It's too soon. (updated)
- That good news fooled even me.
- I can't believe you did it!
- Transfer in 2 weeks.
- Pet Peeve venting time.
- Nothing can sum it up better.
- Things that are good about a June FET.
- My luck is bound to turn, right?
- Today was supposed to be my transfer.
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April
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17 comments:
I start crying when I hear of yet another pregnancy. I have the same all consuming aspect- wondering if I will ever get to experience a pregnancy, wondering if motherhood is in the cards for me. Wondering how to recapture the life I had before in the meantime. It all pretty much sucks. I'm sorry & I hope that a- this fucking works! and b- you get a little reprieve from the ttc thoughts until it does.
Oh Nancy. Yes, yes, yes, I am there with you. It's so very hard emotionally when you want something so badly and nothing you do helps.
I want a baby too... NOW!!!
Nancy, I know you feel insane for those feelings, but honestly I feel like we all have them inside us. I too am incredibly jealous of any pregnant person I see, I hate it, but there is no denying it. I even think I will be bitter when my close friends start getting pregnant. I really hope this time works for you. Fingers are crossed!!!
I hear you. I too have days like this, when I get angry when I see a pregnant belly, or babies (I'm fine with bigger kids, it's the babies that bother me). It's like a full grown child is so far away from what I want right now, that I can seperate myself.
Embarasing but, I do rate "deserving" and "undeserving" pregnancies.
BUT lately I have been seeing lots and lots of twins, every time i see them, i just think, you didn't have sex to have those, and it makes me happy.
I am just a weird lurker to your blog. It started at webmd and then just took off. So I come and see how you are doing every so often. Anyway, I was wondering if you have ever thought about using a surrogate? I have doing research about doing this for someone, so just want to know from someone struggling if this is way off base, or if you ever think about it. Sorry for being a weird lurker, but I am hooked to your blog!!
Heather
Nancy...I just want to give you a big ole' hug right now.
(((HUGS)))
This sucks. It fucking sucks and im so sorry Nancy. Right now lets try not to think about "WHAT IF" it doesnt work, or WHAT IF it never happens. I know you are wondering how you will ever get your life back to normal without thinking about it all day long, and truthfully I wonder the same thing about myself. I remember 'back in the day' before me and Kevin started trying, I'd see kids somewhere and play and talk to them, and when i saw a stroller or carseat I thought NOTHING of it. Things are different now, and I find myself not even able to smile at other babies. It sounds so cruel and evil but how do you smile at something that you want so bad and don't have. My heart isn't even full of joy anymore when I see a baby and I don't know if it ever will be until I have one of my own. I don't want to disrespect you any sort of way, I've only been trying for a year and you are probably thinking in your head "bitch thats nothing compared to what I've been through" and you are right, but that's why I admire you so much because of everything you have gone through and you STILL have the strength to get up everyday and go on with your life. But some days...I just feel nothing anymore. I feel no jealousy, sadness, nothing. Just numbness...nothing else. I just hope ya know I am here for you everyday and tons of other girls too...you are loved by so many! So even though it's hard right now...give me a koolaide smile! :)
Damn. If that's crazy and insane, then so am I. I was trying *so* hard to be happy for my friends who got pregnant accidentally (while she was *supposedly* on the pill)and I was there for the birth and I managed to almost squash all of my feelings...until they broke up two months after their daughter was born. I can't even talk to them at this point because I just want to yell - all the rage at them having this baby they didn't even want and then breaking up and UG. So undeserving. Even though I know that is bitchy and unfair...
Oh my Nancy, you've hit the nail on the head with this post. I started to tear up as soon as I read the beginning of your post. That is the same way I feel. My innerself starts a discussion about how that mother is undeserving or how she didn't have to TTC and go through all the m/c's and IF like I am. I pray that I get to return to "normal" soon. If I can get PG, maintain a PG and have a baby, then what? I know I will want another....then this TTC stuff will manifest my life again. Does this madness ever end???
Heather, no - we won't go that route. Since I am lucky in the aspect of having children already, if we don't end up with more by me having one, that'll be that.
Yup, yup, yup. I'm in total agreement w/thinking about it nonstop. Usually during the day at work. Not so much at home w/my wonderful Sweetness.
I felt like you were reading my heart just now. I know it's ugly but I feel the same exact way! I do the "your not worthy to ne pregnant thing" too.
When I see other pregnant people, I have the same thoughts, then I feel guilty for thinking those things about people I don't even know.
TTC has made me terribly judgemental. I rarely come across a pregnant person who I think is more deserving than me. :-)
I was totally obsessed with wanting a 4th child. I don't think there was a day that went by that I didn't beg my (now ex) husband to let me try just one more round of IVF. Not a day during 5 years. I wasn't sure if I would ever be OK not having another. Thank G-d I never had to find out. I do, however, have a 9-year gap between my twins and the next one.
I've been linked here by a fellow blogger that we apparently have in common. She thought I'd relate to you.
Hello. I thought I was the only one
http://aqueenintraining.blogspot.com/2008/04/corner-of-my-heart.html
Nancy..how do you know that they havent experianced the same thing as you. Would it be fair when you get PG for someone else to think that baout you, and spite you, and think your undeserving? I just think you of all people, going with what you are going through, should know not to judge what you cant see. Just like someone can make judgements that you have "two healthy kids" why should you "get another", you can give a million reasons why,a nd you should...same as a PG person could have a million reasons why they should be PG.
YOu know i love love love you and support you. I just wanted to point that out,
trisha
Trisha, I do know that all. Still, blogs are nice "poor me" vehicles :)
I feel that. LOL! And im probably the only non IFer that reads this blog, so in all fairness, my opinion doesnt count. Im just here as a thorn in your side. LOL
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