Am I ~evil~?

One of my very best friends, Laurel, will say "yes" to this one. ~wink~.

I'm talking about a very specific situation though. It's about parenting. And how fucking hard it really is.

A few of my online stalkerees (me being the stalker) has recently had their babies and is suddenly in the "holy fucking shit, ~this~ is hard. THIS is what I was trying so hard for?" mode. Dear Serenity is one of them and her latest post just puts me smack back into newborn hell.

Before I go any further, I would like to mention what I consider "The Newborn Honeymoon". This is when a ~new~ mommy (happens to all babies, but a second timer knows better) comes home with a baby who sleeps all the time. This is when you'll get cheery smiles and things like "My baby is SO good, s/he only cries when s/he's wet or hungry!". And they talk about how sweet their baby's temperament is and walk around like they don't know why anyone would say having a baby is hard.

And then it happens. The newborn comes "home" from the honeymoon and you see what it's really like to have a newborn. It's hard. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. And remember - this is coming from someone who hit rock bottom as a heroin addict, so I've seen bad. I've seen hard.

Now, some babies stay quiet and sweet and continue to sleep all the time. But most don't. Around 5-6 weeks old, most babies will cry for ~hours~ at a time, usually starting in the evenings. These babies will cry for hours and hours - inconsolable. This is when most parents will think "colic", but believe me, I've seen colic and that's not it. Colic is the seventh circle of hell and if a mommy is lucky enough to have a baby who only cries for 4 hours a day - consider yourself very lucky. Personally, my kids didn't have colic, but I've seen it. I thought I had it bad when Ella screamed for 4 hours each evening, from 5-9pm. I would of sworn it was honest to goodness colic, but it wasn't. I've seen colic and I have no idea how I would have managed.

Back to me being evil.

I was a primary IFer a little bit. It took me 18 months to get pregnant, had a lap, had an HSG, went on clomid, but knowing what I know now - I was lucky. I wasn't REALLY infertile. I've seen infertiles and I don't think I was one of them.

Anywho, I remember wanting a baby SO badly and people telling me how in the meantime, while I don't have a baby, to enjoy my time. I used to be SO OFFENDED by that. How dare them tell me that? HOW DARE THEM!! "Enjoy my time". Fuck off.

But only after I had a baby and realized I almost lost my freaking mind a half a dozen times did I understand what they meant.

Seriously - me. Full on mental breakdowns. Sobbing. Sleep deprivation. I thought years of partying all night would have given me a leg up on that. Nope. I told my husband I wasn't cut out for it. I didn't know how I would survive another day with a crying baby. I longed for those ttc days.

And now I'm seeing these once infertile mommy's have their 'day' with the exhaustion and I secretly love it. NO - I don't love the fact they are miserable! But I love the fact they are now facing the reality of what they were trying so hard for. And they see what words like "enjoy your time now" really mean. Although I will never say this to an infertile, since they'd likely punch me in the face, I think it to them a lot. So when they "get" it, even though I never said it, I love it.

Don't get me wrong here - I think it's all still worth it. Those days you get a smile out of that little blob makes everything worth it. But babies are real work. When I was ttc#1, I'd daydream of walking around the house with a newborn, barefoot, singing quiet lullabies. In real life, once I got the baby, I'd walk around the house with a screaming newborn, barefoot because there was no time to get dressed, singing lullabies with a crackly voice through my sobs. Not ~quite~ the same thing as I envisioned.

I'm sorry Serenity. I'm sorry for all you other new mommy's who don't have time for a shower. It'll get better, I promise. But even know, I bet you know it's already worth it.