Saturday, October 31, 2009

Trick or Treat now? Are you kidding me?

I was just sitting outside on the ~side~ of my house bagging some newspapers for recycling, complete with a clay facial mask on, and two adults carrying their little girl, no more than 18 months old, came up and said "trick or treat".

It's 10:45pm here people. And 39 degrees. Are you serious? Take your little girl home and put her to bed. It's just too late for free candy.

It's over and done with.

I did it!!! I danced in front of an entire room of people. I was terrified, yet once my music started, my body knew what to do. I think. Heh. On stage, I just went into auto pilot and I'm not too sure how well I even did.

The night kinda sucked in time wise. On of my best friend's and fellow blogger, Laurel, put on her HUGE yearly Halloween party last night. I was able to attend the party from 7p-9p, then I had to go to the venue. I was planning on going back to her house and come back when it was my time, but I was so nervous I took a few liquid courage shots and decided I shouldn't be driving back and forth with alcohol in my system. So while I was watching the show, waiting for my turn, I had massive guilt to not be there with my husband and friends.

The dance, however, was thrilling for me. I didn't take off the same amount of clothes as other girls, as many took off their pants to go to thongs or even a g string - I kept everything waist down on. And I dance to 80% of the song with my body mostly covered, I don't take my corset off until the last 30 seconds, even then, I just tease the audience with opening one side than another, then I turn my back to the audience while I drop it.

As soon as my dance was over (I was the LAST girl dancing!) we had a group number called "bombshell" and we danced to that and then had graduation. We got our little diploma, picture taken and then did a shot of jager in celebration. The audience was SO supportive and amazing. I guess it helped they were all liquored up by the time us newbies went on!

I didn't take any pictures of me in my burlesque costume, but I leave you with some I took of my Halloween costume. Me, Laurel and our friend Tina were the Sanderson sisters from Hocus Pocus. I'll post the pictures of the 3 of us together when I get them.

I was sarah jessica parker's character. Heavy makeup, fluffy shirt underneath corset and boobies popping out...

The bottom was red thigh highs and tall black boots, underneath a flowy purple skirt...

It was fun. Except I didn't get back to the party until ~very~ late (12:30am) but we had a babysitter until 3am. Yahoo!! I got up with the kids at 7am though. There is always a downside to staying up late when you've got kids - they don't recognize when mommy and daddy want to sleep in! So 6:45am was it!

Friday, October 30, 2009

I ~got~ this routine.

Tonight's the big night.

It's Laurel's big halloween party AND it's my night to dance to my burlesque routine.


I think I'm ready. Yay!

Thursday, October 29, 2009

I want a baby.

I just wrote another post on my other blog and I said "I know my audience". Yet I type the above title and write this post.

Jeez, I can barely get started because I'm wincing at all the "fuck you"'s I'm about to receive. So really, just stop reading if you are in the throws of IF. Stop. Really. You aren't going to want to read this.

I am having a really hard time reading pregnancy blogs right now. Especially the ones of the girls who was pregnant while I was pregnant with Karl.

I don't know what it is. Is it because I know I'm done? Or is it because Karl is starting to grow out of his babyness? Or is it because so many blogs I read are close to delivering? Or because so many blogs I read are just getting pregnant again? (yes, I know. I'm so sorry to even be typing these words.)

I'm trying to work out how I can get another baby "in" before I really say I'm done. Isn't that absolutely crazy? I'm freaking naturally "infertile" so I can't have a baby without IVF. And to top it off, I scarred, ON PURPOSE, the insides of my tubes "just in case".

I'm going insane.

It's just that since my circumstances have changed, I don't want to be done. If I'm going to be a stay at home mom (for now), I may as well have all the babies I "want". (go ahead - tell me to fuck off.). I don't want to stop and say I'm all done. I want to take it all back. I want to leave that door open. I can't believe I locked, and threw away, the key.

I'm jealous. I'm absolutely green with envy. Not at anyone in particular. Just with the fact it's a chapter closed for me. Although if I think about it, I'd rather give up my chance at another for someone else searching for their first. It's just such a good book that although I already read it, I want to read it again and again.

But it's over. And I have to get used to that fact. I succeeded with the three most beautiful children and I count each one of my blessings everyday, including today. I still can't believe I'm ending with what I set out for. I couldn't be happier. I do know that. It's just that, well, ugh. I don't know how to vocalize it.

(one last chance to tell me to fuck off.)

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Cortisone and your cycle.

Having back and knee issues for years, I've gotten some cortisone injections in the past. This last injection was the first time a doctor mentioned anything about my cycle.

He said that cortisone is known to "mess with" your menstrual cycle. "Mess with"? I asked?, "How so?". He tried to answer me, starting and stopping a few times and then just said "Yes, it can be messed with."

I'm so glad he told me this as I just started a cd1 flow today. Thing is, it's only cd13!

So just a heads up to any ttc-ers out there who get cortisone injections - it definitely can "mess with" your cycle!

My new header and other tidbits.

Do you know what the new header is a picture of? It's my elbow. My husband didn't even know that one. I showed it to him and he was all "Cool!" and I asked him if he knew what it was and he said "Nope." I guess I can't fault the guy, I mean, how many people really look at your elbow?

Today is Wednesday and my burlesque dance is Friday. Tomorrow if full dress rehersal. I have not only NOT gotten a dance together (a lot is in my head, but I don't have a routine) but I haven't even finished my costume. Tomorrow is my day "off" as I'll be alone all day, so I plan to work from 10a-3:30p on my dance. I'm sure I'll get something together. I mean, what else can I do? This is how I work though. I'm a procrastinator and I work the best under stress. Although I hate that I purposely put my body through stress.

Jenn found the youtube video of us dancing to Thriller here. (Thanks Jenn!) It was dark, so you can't see much, but I'm on the left and behind Hazel (the girl wearing the huge blonde afro wig). I'm wearing my hair in a ponytail and you can kindof make it out. Heh. It was so much fun.

It's snowing right now. I'm going to pull out my costume and as least maybe get the sewing done on it so I don't totally freak out. I've got tons of sequins and beads to glue/sew on, which can be done friday during the day. If I just get the main costume together and work on my routine today/tomorrow, I'll be okay. The best thing about the dance is I am spending ~most~ of my time taking off clothes. So if I can just memorize the parts I need to hit with the removals, I can just fill the in betweens with sexy dance, which I think I can do on the fly. Or not. We'll see how silly I end up looking! :)

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Happy Tuesday!

I have nothing really blog worthy in my head, but I wanted to get that last post off the top. We're in the midst of October's ICLW and just didn't want that one there anymore.


My favorite color is orange. What's your favorite color?

Sunday, October 25, 2009


I read Jenera's blog today about the topic of abortion and I haven't been able to shake it. She spoke of a story about a woman who wrote a book about the 15 abortions she had and even called herself an addict to abortion.

I can't really tell you more about it, as I had to click away before even finishing the article cause it pissed me off so much. (Here is a link to her blog post about it, so you can read it yourself if you'd like.) There were many reasons (reason does not equal excuse) for the abortions, something about her controlling husband and this was the only control she had, but still. Having 15 abortions is horrific, but to write a fucking "memoir" about it? Fuck. Anything for money these days.

I'm pro-choice. I am NOT pro-abortion. I am anti-late term abortions other than when the woman's life is at stake. (and for me, "late term" is a very grey and hazy line). I would never get an abortion and I think I'm even against many of the reasons women get abortions, but I am PRO CHOICE. It's their bodies, their babies, and it should be left up to them. I hate so many reasons why people have abortions, but that's neither here nor there. It's not me. It's not my body. And I don't think the government should control what we do with our bodies.

I can't help but think of that blogger I really came down hard on for her choice of abortion. She went through IVF, got pregnant with twins, and was so freaked out about having twins she aborted them. (I don't know if she transferred two or if the one embryo split to make identical twins. It doesn't really matter in my mind. If they split 8 times, okay, different situation, but twins?) It still makes my blood boil. But in my anger, I just struck out. I should have kept my mouth shut as it was her decision and I agree that it ~was~, in fact, her choice to make.

Ugh. I don't even know what I'm blogging about right now, except I just needed to get it out of my head.

13 years.

Today marks 13 years clean of my demon, heroin. I'd like to thank my body for giving me a 2nd chance and to really prove I could make something out of it.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

'Cause this is Thriller, ...

... thriller night.

I took part in Thrill The World tonight. Our burlesque troupe put on the event for the Colorado Springs group. It was the world's largest simultaneous dance of Michael Jackson's Thriller. And tonight, I was part of it.

Funny, just as I was typing this, I saw a commercial for the news spot tonight. They showed the main guy I was dancing behind, so I wonder if I'll be on the news.

We all dressed up as zombies and danced the choreographed thriller dance. I learned part of the dance earlier on thursday night of this week and then we had a two hour practice session before the actual dance where I learned the rest. I finally picked it up pretty well before the performance, so I didn't look like a fool. In fact, if I may say so myself, I danced pretty damned well (for me!).

Thanks for all the comments on my previous posts. (And I still hope more people talk about their lost children in two posts behind this one.) The idea of becoming an RN seems so RIGHT for me. I would have never ever quit my job to finish my nursing degree, but now that I don't have a job, the timing couldn't be better.

Some other positives about going back to school next fall ... Allison will join Ella in going to school and I'll only have to pay for Karl in daycare. That's huge. AND, since I'm considered a senior in school (I have ~a lot~ of schooling under my belt, including a few degrees) I'll have the pick of my class times like I previously did and can totally work around their school schedules. I talked to my RN friend and she said I can even get a tech or CNA position once I'm into it and that will be a foot in the door for a job when I graduate.

I'll just get a student loan for fall semester and hopefully I'll qualify for some grants for the rest of it. I think they go off of the last year's tax returns, so 2009 will be out, as we made too much. But in 2010, we'll be a family of 5 surviving on one income and I may, just possibly, qualify for some help. I don't want to wrack up more student loans, since I've had them all paid off from my previous degrees, so hopefully I'll get lucky.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Tell me about your loss, your child.

Thank you, ALL of you, for commenting with suggestions as what to do about my friend's loss. So many of you were so helpful, going out of your way to talk to me about your personal experiences and it meant a lot to me. So thank you. I wish we didn't live in a world where people had to feel such pain, every story is still heartbreaking to me like it's the first time I hear of it. Maybe I've become more sensitive to it because I've walked side by side with so many of you and your losses or maybe it's because I know the joy that is a child so I can understand, albeit barely, how a loss can break your world.

M's and Charmedgirl's comments (and really, so many others too) stuck out to me in that asking the baby's name and talking about the child is so helpful. Acknowledging not only the tragedy, but the PERSON lost seems like it could be overlooked when the baby hadn't lived too long or at all in the "outside" world. When someone dies, we talk about that person. When a baby dies, we should do the exact same thing.

So, I wanted to ask all the mommy's out there who have experienced a loss to tell me about your baby(ies). Tell me their name. Tell me something about them - who he looked like, was she an active baby in utero, something, anything. I want to hear about your children. I know there are a lot of memorials out there and special days to remember your children, but I think any day is "special" when remembering someone lost and I would love it if I could use my blog today for thinking of all your special someones.

(As for my friend, we really weren't close, but were close enough I think she would accept my attention and help. I already sent her a sympathy card and I'm going to cook a lasagna today to just drop it off at her house. While there, I'm going to ask to see pictures of her son, which I have heard she took into work and showed him off, so I would love to see him too. While there, I'm going to offer to take her daughter to the zoo with my own kids next week - having a set day, she may take me up on it. So thank you for your suggestions. I really think the "can i do anything?" question, while nice, isn't helpful, as they aren't going to actually ask for anything. Instead, I'm just going to DO it.)

update - I called her. She welcomed the lasagna and said I can take her daughter for the day on Tuesday to give her some alone time.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

I need help regarding stillbirth.

I have an acquaintance (one of the girls' past daycare teachers) who had a stillbirth two days ago.

Four days ago, she stopped off at my house when she saw me and the kids sitting outside in the warm Colorado sun and we talked about her impending birth. I touched her growing belly and we discussed how she was "done" having babies because this was her second child, a boy, and her first was a girl. The very next day she went to her OB appointment (36-38 weeks) and the baby no longer had a heartbeat. She gave birth the next day and was told it would take up to a month to figure out what happened.

I am at a loss of what to say or do. One thing I'm not doing is ignoring it. I wrote her a letter conveying my support. But that's all I know what to do. She lives very close. Should I see if I could take her daughter for an afternoon so she could sleep or cry or do whatever? Or does she need to be with her daughter right now? Should I bring food? Should I just stop by for a quick hug?

What do I do?

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

The Painted Lady

Yes, I was full body painted on Saturday night. And no, I'm not posting pictures. Okay, maybe one.

I took it myself so it's not that great. But the ONLY things I'm wearing are panties, shoes and my arm/neck cuffs. Everything else, including the fishnets, are painted on. (The pasties over my nipples couldn't be seen, except with the flash of the camera).

It took some guts but also was invigorating. To be walking around the venue talking to people and them not really noticing I was totally naked, well, it was crazy.

Oh. And very cold.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Goings on.

First off, Happy ~30th~ Birthday Jenn! It's a big day for her and you should all head over there and give her a happy birthday wish!

I'm excited for burlesque class tonight. I don't actually know what we'll be doing, except going over Thriller, but I hope we get to practice Bombshell.

Did I mention thriller? We're part of "thrill the world" which is a try to get into the guinness book of world's records to have the most people dancing the choreographed thriller dance at the same time. So we've been learning the steps and just this past Tuesday we finally learned the last of the steps. I'm no michael jackson, that's for sure.

As for Bombshell, it's the group dance all the burlesque girls do and we'll be doing it at our graduation show.

I also get to meet the guy diong the body painting tonight. There is a huge burlesque show this saturday and while I'm not dancing, I'll be a painted lady. Pretty much wearing a tiny bikini and full body paint. Yippee! I'm terrified and also excited.

Okay, well, I'm home alone right now and I'm going to make the most of it and sit on my ass and not use my brain for the next two hours. Ahhhhh.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

What my new job should be.

I want the state, no, Federal government to create a new job position for me. Director of Bad Driver Pointer Outer. Yes. I want to be the official person to point out dumb ass slow drivers and take away their licences. My opinion will be it. No appeals. No arguing. If I catch you driving stupid and/or slow, that's it. No licence forever.

There's ~one~ exception though. The use of the "I'm-a-dumbass" hand movement. We all get distracted and make stupid mistakes driving. We swerve, we cut off, we just do stupid things. IF, and only if you raise your hand and wave after doing something, therefore using the aforementioned "I'm-a-dumbass" hand wave, you will be absolved.

I'm going to put together my resume right now.

(by the way, thank you to all who have answered my last post. The comments are overwhelming and I'm just happy as ever to have gotten the response that I have! If you haven't responded yet, please do so!)

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Can I ask a favor of you all?

I have a ~big~ favor to ask of you.

One of my best friends recently sent me some blank stationary and asked me to write something about her. A memory, an opinion of her, anything. I filled it out and sent it back to her. I thought it was such a fabulous idea, as she is putting them all in a little memory book for her to look back on.

I would LOVE to do this myself. I'm going to send the same to my non-blogging friends, but for all my blogging friend, I would love to do the same via comments.

Can you all please leave me a comment and write something about me? Anything at all. How we met, why you read my blog, why you like me, what you think about me, why you can't stand me. ANYTHING! I'm going to gather them all up and print them out into my own little memory book.

Please? Pretty Please? With sugar on top? And a cherry? Whipped cream too.

This is a request to each and everyone of you. Not just those of you who feel close to me, but everyone who even reads my blog. You can be anonymous if you'd like too!

Thank you in advance!

Saturday, October 10, 2009

A schnarky one.

Wait. I will get to the schnarkiness but I wanted to mention a few things about my trip and real life meet up of two bloggers in LA.

First off, I met Brandi for lunch last Friday. Yay! It was so fun and I drank a few glasses of wine. Yes, in the middle of the day. Had the BEST salad ever (i should of gotten the dinner portion) and had great conversation. I didn't even think of taking a picture because I'm lame like that. But believe me, Brandi is gorgeous and awesome.

Then I did my family wedding stuff and drove over to Mareike's house. She doesn't actually blog (loser!) but she does comment a lot. And she was a guest blogger of this very blog last week. She has a house just off of sunset blvd and from her front windows you can see the hollywood sign. Very cool for a tourist like me. We honestly didn't do much, as I just wanted to relax and ~chill~ without family for awhile. So we drank beers, hung out and laughed. She's hilarious. I spent 2 days with her and her 3 dogs and 3 cats and her cute next door neighbor, george. ;) I did take some pictures of miss mareike, but she's fucking kill me if i posted them. It was a great time and I appreciated the hospitality.

Oh. And I swear to god I saw Michael Cera (the boyfriend in Juno) walking down the side street down to sunset blvd. At the time I thought it was his look a like little brother, but I just looked at pictures online and he's ~young~ looking. So I'm calling that I saw someone famous. heh. Who cares if it wasn't really him?

Okay. Schnarkiness. Mareike actually was the one who mentioned this to me and I wholeheartedly agreed, so time for a post about it.

It's when people complain about "annoying" comments people give them when the person is just trying to be nice. Like "still pregnant?" or "is this a boy or a girl?" or "Wow, you look like you're going to pop!" or any other type of general comment.

People just aren't that good in knowing exactly what to say when they are making general conversation. If they say ANY of these types of thing (non-mean things, obviously), they are just trying to engage you in conversation. It just means they CARE to talk to you about the subject.

Okay, that's all. I'm complaining about people complaining. Yes, I see the irony.

Friday, October 9, 2009

The one word award.

Well, the award isn't one word. It's the "over the top" award and I received it from the awesome Photogrl who blogs at Not The Path I Chose.

I was secretly ~dying~ to do this one but no one was giving me an award. Until now. YAY!

Here are the rules:

1. you can only use one word!
2. pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers (which I'm not adding right now, so please just DO IT if you read this one!)
3. alert them that you have given them this award! (tell yourself!)
4. have fun! (seriously. "have fun" is an instruction. It's like the directions on food packages that say "enjoy!"

The Fun Part: (ahhh. THIS is the fun part. okay, I'm having fun.)

1. Where is your cell phone? there.
2. Your hair? blonde.
3. your mother? fantabulous.
4. Your father? changed.
5. Your favorite food? animals.
6. Your dream last night? unknown.
7. Your favorite drink? crush.
8. Your dream/goal? kids.
9. What room are you in? living.
10. Your hobby? parenting.
11. Your fear? midgits.
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? north.
13. Where were you last night? burlesque.
14. Something that you aren't? brave.
15. Muffins? tops.
16. Wish list item? louboutins.
17. Where did you grow up? arizona.
18. Last thing you did? shopping.
19. What are you wearing? jeans.
20. Your TV? off.
21. Your pets? asleep.
22. Friends? many.
23. Your life? good.
24. Your mood? tired.
25. Missing someone? yes.
26. Vehicle? off.
27. Something you're not wearing? ring.
28. Your favorite store? gap.
29. Your favorite color? orange.
30. When was the last time you laughed? today.
31. Last time you cried? recent.
32. Your best friend? ryan.
33. One place that I go to over and over? safeway.
34. One person who emails me regularly? mypoints.
35. Favorite place to eat? louie's

There you go. My list. Awesome.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Fedex sucks assholes.

Fuckers. Remember to write down your confirmation number because when they just fail to show up, without the number, you are FUCKED.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Victims of Infertility

This was my guest post on Poltzie's blog a few weeks ago. It was something I really wanted to write about and even though I posted it over there, I wanted to discuss it here with all of you. Forgive me if you already read it, but I do want to see your comments.

-- I start this story with the history of my IF and what I went through, culminating into the point of this post and a request for feedback. It's so long I wanted to explain it a bit first.

I was diagnosed with "unexplained infertility" when I was trying for my first baby. I had all the initial tests like blood work and the HSG, took OPKs every month, experienced my first lap surgery checking for endo which was diagnosed as mild, had 3 clomid cycles and my husband has a good semen analysis. Everything checked out. Our 18th cycle was supposed to be our first IUI, but I missed the timing to take the meds so it turned into a natural cycle. That natural cycle turned into a BFP cycle, conceiving my first daughter, Ella.

The second round of ttc was when I tried for my second daughter, Allison. At only 5 months postpartum, I already had my cycle back although exclusively breast feeding, and we decided it was time to ttc again. I allowed one more cycle to go through, checking if I was even ovulating by using an OPK, and when that showed positive, we said we'd start trying with the next cycle. We assumed it would take no less than a year, if lucky, so when our daughter was only 6 months old, we pulled the goalie. To our utter shock, which I'm still shocked over, we achieved another BFP. We considered ourselves the luckiest people on the earth. The birth of Allison was traumatic for my uterus, having to undergo some emergency surgery at 5 weeks postpartum for heavy bleeding. We found I had retained placenta and when it was removed during surgery, I lost a massive amount of blood due to a condition called placenta accreta - Allison's placenta grew into and through my uterus. I recovered and we continued life as the parents of two little girls, 16 months apart.

Raising two little girls so close was hard. Harder than we ever expected. So we waited a bit to ttc our last child. It was only a few cycles in when I found I was no longer ovulating, instead growing huge functional cyst. I was diagnosed with LUF syndrome, which is where your body grows follicles, creates the LH surge to signal ovulation but instead of releasing the egg, my body would hold onto it, growing cysts as large as 10cms. I would be sidelined from ttc for another cycle, having to take bcps to allow the cysts to be absorbed. My OB referred me directly to an RE to deal with this problem. To force my body to ovulate, my ovulation would be triggered with HCG and under ultrasound, we would verify ovulation.

I also had another HSG to ensure my tubes were open. This time, my tube was shown as blocked. The RE ordered another test, the HSS, which saline was pushed into my uterus to check for scar tissue. It was discovered my uterus was over 70% sealed shut with scar tissue. This prompted 3 consecutive uterine surgeries to clear it all out. It was a vicious circle because surgery tended to create more scar tissue, so my RE placed a balloon inside my uterus to hold it open during healing. It was not fun. After my 3rd surgery (4th total), I was given a clean bill of uterine health and we tried our 3rd IUI cycle, but it failed.

IVF was our next step. Our 18th cycle was the IVF cycle and we made 9 embryos. The transfer was cancelled due to poor lining response, which is a side effect from my uterine walls being scraped clean of scar tissue so much. During cycle 19, we tried to get my uterine lining to respond with estrogen, which didn't work and transfer was cancelled. Cycle 20 was our second attempt at FET and we went crazy with trying to get my lining to respond. We threw everything at my uterus - injectable estrogen, viagra (yes, viagra), estrogen suppositories, meds meds and more meds, yet my lining only got to a 7 (they want 9mm at minimum). My RE wanted to cancel me but I said no, telling him I had to finish a cycle for my own well being. If it didn't work, I would go through another IVF, but I just HAD to complete a cycle.

We thawed all of the 9 embryos, 7 survived and 4 were grade As and Bs. The last three were grades C and D and arrested before they grew anymore. We transferred the Fab Four embryos and I was given a 40% chance at pregnancy. Of that 40%, I was given an 85% chance for a singleton, 10% for twins, 4% for triplets and less than a 1% for quads. And remember, this was less than 1% ~of~ 40%, so not much chance there. At 10d3dt, I was testing BFNs and was getting myself mentally prepared for IVF#2. Except at 11dp3dt, I testing BFP with a beta of only 15. The nurses told me to prepare myself for my pregnancy to end. But my betas were doubling. At 15dp3dt, my beta was 213 and an ultrasound was given to look for an ectopic pregnancy. It was too early to see anything but my lining looked thicker in one spot, which could be good news. At 19dp3dt, my beta rose to 1,073 and my RE called me to immediately come in for an ultrasound. They were afraid of ectopic pregnancy and needed to take a look to see what was going on inside me. Except instead of something in my tube, we found a baby in my uterus. Karl was born on January 10th.

Which all brings me to my point, but I first wanted to show you what I went through to get my 3 children. All said and done, I went through 4 surgeries, 3 HSGs, 4 HSSs, 3 IUIs, 1 IVF, 1 FET, ~24 medicated cycles and 39 cycles total. Was I "infertile"? Was I "subfertile"? Based upon the definitions, I was. Do I consider myself blessed? Hell yes.

I've received countless numbers of comments from anonymous readers (like anyone would admit to these terrible comments) of my blog pretty much condemning me for calling myself infertile. Although I should simply ignore these comments, they hurt. They hurt because I went through a lot for my children and I don't think succeeding should erase the war I fought. It's not the pain olympics and I would never try to compare who has it worse, but I do know that to me, I paid my dues.

Consider this ... If a woman had breast cancer and beat it by having her breasts surgically removed, would she still be able to call herself a victim of cancer? Of course she would be. So why would it be any different for a woman who suffered and beat infertility? Just because you won doesn't mean you didn't fight the war.

Have you been a victim of hurtful comments about your infertility? Do you know anyone who has? Please share your experiences!

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

What's next?

Bad luck comes in 3s right?

I was in the midst of doing a favor and went to my brother's house, 15 miles away, to pick up his mail to get a check he needed deposited while on his 10 day cruise. I'm currently sick with a fever and got all three kids in the car to make the trip. Check in hand, I drive to the only branch this bank has in town. A big triangle is what the route is taking me on, but I had no choice.

I pull up to the bank and in avoiding the cement girder on the right, I go too far left and my tire rubs the curb. "Pssssst" fill my ears and I know my tire is flat. Damn.

I deposit the check and pull I to the parking lot to change the tire. I get all three kids out to play while I go to work. My husband wasn't close, so I started the job on my own. I got the lug nuts off, jacked up the car, got tire off and spare out of the trunk and tom pulls up to finish the job. Hands dirty and my back hurting I swing back and PLOW my elbow to the side of the door.

$496 later, I'm home, my elbow hurts and I have some bad ass tires.

So. I think that's only two bad things. What's next?
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Monday, October 5, 2009

We now interrupt a post from Nancy ...

... to bring you a post from Lori. I swear I didn't get a post from her on Thursday, so I must've missed it (sorry Lori!) and I wanted to get this in. So read this and the last 3 guest posts please (read about ugly men making better sperm, abortion choices when it's not your embryo on board and a sweet ttc success story) and I'll be back tomorrow to tell you all about my fabulous trip, the 2 bloggers (Brandi and Mareike) I met, the celebrity I saw and the fucking fabulous pancakes I ate. Now is the post from Lori ....


How in the world could *I*, little ole tattoo-less, plastic surgery-free, piercing-fearing, never-even-cussed-on-the-Internet me, how could *I* possibly think I could fill Nancy's shoes for the day?

Nancy will tell you that certain bloggers may not be as sweet (IRL) as they appear.

I've chosen one of my favorite stories from my Weebles Wobblog archives in hopes that you'll find it Nancy-worthy.


The Coffee Shop
So you're sitting in a coffee shop. An independent one, with a personality. Like your very own caffeinated Cheers.

"Truncation-of-your-name!" the barista says as you walk in, already preparing your Americano with room for cream. You chit-chat with her, perhaps not as wittily as Norm does with Sam, and you get your frequent sipper card stamped.

You set up your laptop and check some emails. After awhile, the coffee starts doing its thing, waking up all parts of your body as it moves through your digestive tract. Hello, Large Bowel!

You go to the stall-less bathroom and do your business. No big deal. And, I literally mean, no big deal.

Are you with me?

You press the flusher and the toilet does its filling thing. And it keeps doing its filling thing and keeps doing its filling thing, but without doing its draining thing. As the water level rises, so does your panic.


You scoop your satchel off the floor (even though it's way in the corner and most likely out of harm's reach) and step awaaaaay from the commode, to protect your new gym shoes.

Now. What do you do?

After you've contributed your answer below, you may wish to click over for an analysis of the responses I got.


Lori, the Examiner for Open Adoption, writes for Adoptive Families magazine and for her own blog, Weebles Wobblog. She and Chicklet find and review sassy stuff at All Thumbs Reviews (see that badge down there, on the right? -- I love them!). She is currently retelling her amazing adoption story at Drama 2B Mama. Once in awhile she even feeds her children, Tessa (8) and Reed). But only when her Google Reader is clear.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Sunday's Guest Blogger ... Lori! ... Nope, It's Elana!

Lori didn't get me a post (booo!) so instead, I offer you Elana ...

"What to get pregnant? Find an ugly man"

Hi everyone! I'm Elana from Elana's Musings (, and I am Nancy's guest blogger today! I got an email from the other day, and I just really need to share it with you all. Here it goes:

"Women wanting to get pregnant should find themselves an ugly man, new research suggests. Scientists have found attractive males produce less sperm during sex. Researchers think good-looking males are biologically geared to hold back their sperm in each encounter to increase their chance of impregnating more females. But unattractive males know they are not going to bed so many females -- so when they do get lucky they give it all they've got."

"The findings from the University of Oxford and University College London are backed up by studies of chickens and fish, but researchers think they could well apply to humans too. 'Human attractiveness is complicated and influenced by a number of factors including cultural preferences,' said UCL researcher Sam Tazzyman. 'Nonetheless, ejaculate size and sperm quality are likely to have been molded by similar forces, like attractiveness and the number of sexual partners, that are important in other species.' Reporting the findings on the university's Web site, Tazzyman said, 'The more attractive a male is, the more females will be willing to mate with him, reducing the value of each mating to him. This means it is optimal for him to contribute fewer sperm per mating.'"

I nearly died laughing when I read this. I mean really, do you honestly think a man's "attractiveness" contributes to how good he'll be at getting a woman knocked up? I can't wait to see your reactions to this! Are YOU married to an "ugly man"???? :-)

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Saturday's Guest Blogger ... Mareike!

Many of you have likely heard about this: A couple in Ohio elected to have a fourth child using their frozen embryos. On the day they learned that the woman was pregnant they also learned that another couple's embryos had been implanted. They had the option of aborting the fetus but elected to carry the baby boy to term and then hand him over to his biological parents.

I'm interested in all of your thoughts on this. Could you do this? Would you, after going through so much to conceive a child, abort a viable fetus if you learned it was not yours?

Friday, October 2, 2009

Friday's Guest Blogger ... Jenn!

hello everyone- i'm jenn from the oasis here to guest blog for nancy. let me preface this with saying that i never capitalize anything in my blog- so i apologize (especially to nancy the queen of grammar!) if it's hard or frustrating to read. chalk it up to laziness as my blog is really my place to vent all the stuff in my head, both profound (not usually) and mundane (much more typically!). i write about adjusting to life as a new & unemployed mom to pumpkin (but that's a currently evolving story in & of itself) & wife of the hub. i started my blog two and a half years ago as a way to work through my frustrations & concerns with ttc. the super short version is that i married my first love & best friend after eons together & we always planned for kids sometime in the future. after being rushed to the hospital & finding out i had a congenital kidney defect & needed major surgery someday became right this very instant. after waiting to recover & then waiting almost 18 months to see an re- we finally gave it our all (financially speaking) in a hail mary iui + clomid challenge on cycle 20 that miraculously ended in a bfp, uneventful pregnancy, induction 2 days before my due date, 3 really hard hours of pushing & 1 perfect little pumpkin.

i first met nancy on the ttc message boards & knew i wanted to be friends with this super cool, super knowledgeable chic. she always had the stats & the background behind her to alternately calm us down, or ramp us up- whichever was most needed. i first started blogging because of her too. i couldn't go on the boards because of my job & seeing her blog made me realize that not only could i have a virtual diary to vent all my frustrations- there were actually tons of people out there who were in the same (or a similar) boat. i could get & give support all while doing something that i found therapeutic itself. i was hooked.

what i have learned from almost 3 years of blogging is that there is a lot you can give & take from it. there are always going to be people that disagree with you- or who don't want to listen to what you have to say. you could choose to get into petty fights with strangers. you can choose to ignore it. or you can take the braver approach that i see a number of bloggers take. you can be strong enough & brave enough to unflinchingly give your opinion on a subject- but be willing to listen to other sides of it & open up a touchy subject to a genuinely helpful discussion. you can be really strong & admit when you change your mind, or have offended someone & apologize, or just concede that everyone is entitled to their own opinion & open up a forum for sharing.
i am not a very vocal person. in fact- i often will hide or suppress my own opinion especially if there is conflict involved. or even the possibility for conflict. i hate fighting & arguments that much that i will let myself be trampled on (so to speak) just to avoid one. what blogging has taught me is that you can be both vocal & opinionated without being pushy or argumentative. i think the way that nancy approaches a subject that could be seen as controversial is fantastic. i have seen her admit when she has hurt someone & take pause to consider that there is more than just 'her' side to an argument. she has opened my eyes on more than one occasion that i can look at a situation from a different perspective & that a fresh set of eyes sees something completely different. that's why i love the blogworld & my blogbuddies. i know i can count on them for honest yet thoughtful opinions and a new perspective that i may never have seen. The relative anonymity of the internet seems to work in my favor this way. i am not as afraid of conflict since i know i can take time & think carefully about what i want to communicate without having to see all the emotions that inevitably go along with strong opinions. this has actually helped me gather up my courage (somewhat!) in the 'real' world & be able to speak my mind a bit more. i love seeing that it is okay to be brave & take a chance saying what you really think (or want) because even if you get people disagreeing with you, it doesn't mean you have to fight about it- or that given the chance they wouldn't have a rational and productive discussion with you. basically- blogging has taught me that we really can all get along if we just work at it (and ourselves) a bit.

oh- and did i happen to mention that i actually get to go & meet nancy!!!! like next month- holy crap am i excited!!!

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Guest Bloggers?

First off, I was a guest blogger on Poltzie's blog last week while she was in Vegas. I wrote a post called "Victims of Infertility" and I would appreciate if you read it. If you head over there, don't forget to check out her other posts. She's got some really cute pictures up from her trip to Vegas!

So. I'm going to be out of town tomorrow - sunday. And I'm looking for 3 guest bloggers. If you want to be a guest blogger for me, please comment on this post. I'll need your posts by tonight, let's see, by 11pm MT, and I'll set them all up to auto post on your day.

Please will you be my guest blogger? (I'll take the first three volunteers. That's if I even ~get~ any volunteers!) If I would have thought of this sooner, I would have asked you individually, but I don't have the time now. But I would still LOVE it if anyone would like to post on my blog. Please? Let me know!