Thursday, October 29, 2009

I want a baby.

I just wrote another post on my other blog and I said "I know my audience". Yet I type the above title and write this post.

Jeez, I can barely get started because I'm wincing at all the "fuck you"'s I'm about to receive. So really, just stop reading if you are in the throws of IF. Stop. Really. You aren't going to want to read this.


I am having a really hard time reading pregnancy blogs right now. Especially the ones of the girls who was pregnant while I was pregnant with Karl.

I don't know what it is. Is it because I know I'm done? Or is it because Karl is starting to grow out of his babyness? Or is it because so many blogs I read are close to delivering? Or because so many blogs I read are just getting pregnant again? (yes, I know. I'm so sorry to even be typing these words.)

I'm trying to work out how I can get another baby "in" before I really say I'm done. Isn't that absolutely crazy? I'm freaking naturally "infertile" so I can't have a baby without IVF. And to top it off, I scarred, ON PURPOSE, the insides of my tubes "just in case".

I'm going insane.

It's just that since my circumstances have changed, I don't want to be done. If I'm going to be a stay at home mom (for now), I may as well have all the babies I "want". (go ahead - tell me to fuck off.). I don't want to stop and say I'm all done. I want to take it all back. I want to leave that door open. I can't believe I locked, and threw away, the key.

I'm jealous. I'm absolutely green with envy. Not at anyone in particular. Just with the fact it's a chapter closed for me. Although if I think about it, I'd rather give up my chance at another for someone else searching for their first. It's just such a good book that although I already read it, I want to read it again and again.

But it's over. And I have to get used to that fact. I succeeded with the three most beautiful children and I count each one of my blessings everyday, including today. I still can't believe I'm ending with what I set out for. I couldn't be happier. I do know that. It's just that, well, ugh. I don't know how to vocalize it.

(one last chance to tell me to fuck off.)

41 comments:

Tara said...

I'd never tell you to fuck off for being honest about your feelings.

Hey, when you're good at something you want to keep doing it. And you seem to be a pretty damn good mom. And you make some pretty cool little kids too. It's no wonder you want to keep going.

areyoukiddingme said...

I think some people never get over the wanting. My sister is almost 50 and if she could talk my BIL into it, they'd be adopting babies from anywhere and everywhere.

Kristin said...

Nah hon, I'm right there with you in wanting another one. I can't blame you at all. Those little critters are addictive.

Jendeis said...

Didn't even think to tell you to fuck off, all I thought was "join the club." And then I thought, yeah, she's already in the club. And then I just decided to shut up.

Regan said...

I love that you are so honest, and that you can vocalize it. I know what you mean, I have 2, I really, really want another one, (As does my husband) but we dont have the financial means, or the room to have another right now. The clock is ticking (almost 36) and I wonder will I ever get my last one? Will the moons and stars align and it will be a good time to have another? Will I get my girl? When I was pregnant with my last one, all I could think was "I am going to have a full term baby, (first one was 11 weeks early), and I know that I AM going to be pregnant again. I think you have to mourn that part of your life, and dammit! I am not done! So, I think this is very normal for you to think and feel this part. You will get past it, especially when you move on to the next stage of your life!

Kymberli said...

I'm not telling you to fuck off because I get how you feel. My family is WAY done (maybe over-done?), yet I still have feelings of wanting more. Sort-of. I have surrogacy to help with those feelings of wanting to still be in the land of "ttc," though of course that's not in my top ten list for wanting to be a surrogate.

When those feelings were new to me, I spent a lot of time processing *why* I felt that way, especially when I had been blessed with four kids and knew with great certainty that we were done.

After much thought, I finally had a revelation - it wasn't so much the fact that I was wanted to have another baby, what I *really* wanted was secure knowledge in the idea that I *could* have a baby easily if I wanted one and that my options in life still had room for another little if I so choose to fill it. Which, even if I had that space open, we wouldn't fill it because we really, truly, feel that we're done. TTC was a pain, but the feeling it brought when we were successful (even with all related anxieties) was a rush. I think that sense of accomplishment and fulfillment is what I craved, and when I knew that we were beyond the point where achieving that was important, it sucked and felt like somewhat of a loss.

projectkjetil said...

I've never had anyone invite me, so I just have to do it the once... "Fuck off!"

In all seriousness, though, I can tell it's going to be heartbreaking when my little boy, my last baby, grows out of his babyness. It was hard when Kiddo grew out of hers, but since I didn't think of her as our last baby, there was some consolation in that.

Have your feelings, think about it, and who knows... maybe a baby will enter your home someway/somehow again. Or not. But there's nothing wrong with wanting more. It suggests that you've thoroughly enjoyed the first three, which is great.

GeekByMarriage said...

I'm totally with you. My reason is different. My husband is not the bio dad to my kids and I would do anything to have a baby with him. Knowing I will never again see a positive pregnancy test again (one that was dipped in my urine and not someone else's) makes me depressed.

Jenera said...

::hugs::

Jen said...

First of all I would never tell you to fuck off. This is your blog. You can tell us your thoughts and emotions at any time. If somebody doesn't like what you are saying, they don't have to read it.

I think that it's ok to want more babies. You love your kids and you love doing things with them so I would think that it would be normal to want more. I actually don't know if some people ever get over not having any more babies.

Well, if you need a break for the baby blogs come on over to mine. While I want another chance at a family and a baby I'm a million miles from it right now. There is definately no baby making on my blog. Hell, there isn't even any sex over at my blog. :)

(((((HUGS)))))

jenn said...

I think you know how awesome your kiddos are & you really ~do~ make some great babies! Wanting more is completely understandable- even though I know it's not the time- I miss my newborn. Wallow in your jealousy for a bit & no need to apologize for being honest about your emotions.

And since you asked for it- fuck off!

Lisa said...

I completely understand and think your feelings are justified. You are a great Mom that loves her children. And you simply want more of them to love. There's nothing wrong with that.

I am certain when I am done that I will feel the same way. Hell I'm having a hard time now, knowing that we are preventing...

Robin said...

Wow, are you paranoid or are people really that jerky to you?

I think your feelings are totally understandable. It's a phase that you're leaving (the pregnancy, newborn stuff, etc.)

edenland said...

I love you. I *LOVE* your honesty. This is what makes you so popular, makes everyone want to run with Nancy .... you don't pussyfoot around, and say it how it is.

I don't think anyone could begrudge you of wanting another ... you do it so well. I fucken take my hat of to you.

I know the kind of desire you're talking about. I don't personally have it anymore, because I'm scarred for life, but I get the cluck. It's intense, and primal. You are actually programmed to feel this way, so we don't die out as a species.

I don't know if your tube thing is reversable? IVF again? Mate if your hubby is on board, you can do anything?

But if you can't, or know you won't, I think it's great that you get this shit out into the open. It's how you feel.

END MISSIVE

PS I don't think the longing will always be this intense. You will all grow as a family and be able to do the things that you can't do, with a baby. XO

edenland said...

PPS When I said "I get the cluck" I meant I understand *your* cluck. I do not have any more cluck. Repeat ... my clucker done BROKE.

Forever and ever,

Amen

XO

Sara said...

Hell, Nancy. Why in the world would we tell you to fuck off because you want another baby?? Is it our right to tell you that you should be happy with the three kids you have? NO!!

I know this isn't about me - but I want to share with you. After losing Samuel and then having a healthy, full term pregnancy with Payton some people told me that I should be happy. I shouldn't try my luck by risking another pregnancy. What if I got pre-e again??

I know that I should be done. Medically speaking, it may not be smart of me to have another baby. But I don't know. Maybe another baby is in the cards. Maybe not.

My point is - you are allowed to feel how you feel. You don't have to apologize for it.

Many hugs to you!

the mol said...

I'll tell you to fuck off just because I have the urge to tell someone, and you invited me to do so, so FUCK OFF!!!

Seriously, I think I understand. I had a relatively easy time TTC my first and we weren't trying, but weren't preventing, the second. My pregnancies were both very easy. My deliveries were also relatively uncomplicated.

There is no way in hell I'd want another baby.

I'd be a surrogate for any of my sisters should they need it. Which is a possibility. But I don't think that I have the emotional strength to take on raising another. And DH doesn't feel like such a spring chicken where he could go through all the baby stuff again.

I love love LOVE my boys. But with my older one being ill and probably will continue to be ill, assuming he survives which he should, I don't think it's fair to have more than one other child to take care of.

Jules said...

I won't tell you to F off, but I will say "Are you crazy?" LOL. You know I mean that in the nicest way possible :) I couldn't imagine trying to afford another child, not even considering IVF. Maybe I'm too practical.

But I also think that growing up in a family with 2 children, that's how I envisioned our family. You know I had a short-lived vision of a 3rd child....and got over that real quick. I guess we are all wired to desire different sized families?

Morgan said...

Your feelings of wanting another baby are completely sane and normal Nancy. Just thought I would tell you that. :)

Kirsten said...

It IS a huge deal to close that chapter in your life. Most of the time, I am pretty sure our family is complete yet I cannot make myself make the most final of decisions about our remaining embryos, or even make the decision about having an ablation. I just know that I will have those same feelings you have. I've always wanted two kiddos and I was lucky enough to be blessed with those two in one shot...thing is, I would have LOVED to have been pregnant twice. That was such an amazing, wonderful time - I have found myself feeling jealous of pregnant women even though I don't necessarily want another child, I am just jealous of that whole "honeymoon" phase while you are pregnant and preparing for your baby. I miss that all the time.
The other day, my husband was talking to a friend of his who is having his third child, a third son. This child wasn't planned and they were hoping for a girl so he has been a little down about it (which, yes, after going through IF and IVF is tough to swallow and makes me want to smack both of them). But one night, his dad told him that they would be doing the world a disservice by not having more children because they truly are wonderful parents and have done such a great job with the two that they already have, and that the world will need more children like that.
That has really stuck with me and, though I don't know you personally, from what I have read I can see you are an awesome mom with a loving family...that'd be one lucky baby!

Becca said...

I won't say fuck off - somedays I feel the same way.

mybumpyjourney said...

I don't think anyone should tell you to fuck off! I could see how you would feel that way. I bet it is hard to get to the point where you think your time for having babies is over. {{HUGS}}

theclam said...

Nancy, you are entitled to want another baby. Gosh, why not? Just cos you've got three children does that make your desire for another wrong? No fricking way.

Yes you can be grateful for those you do have (and I think it's clear to everyone who reads here that you are - everyday) but the hankering for another is what you feel. And there is NOTHING wrong with that.

xxx

Krista said...

I think the lure will always be there to some extent for many women. I loved being pregnant and I'd love to do it over and over again (or at least I think I would). Every cycle that goes by, I wonder have I already seen my firsts and lasts? That is the part that is sad for me with TTC #2. I can see how it would be that way when you close that chapter too.

Kristin said...

Nancy, I agree with the others here, you are just being honest, and no one is going to begrudge you for that. You're entitled to your feelings! I definitely don't want to do it again--two bouts of post partum depression that left me near suicidial were enough. But even so, I sometimes feel a little sad/wistful when I see a tiny baby. I get over it pretty fast--but I do understand. I might feel more like you do if things had been different for me.

chicklet said...

Knowing something is done, and being happy it's done are two different things. Knowing doesn't mean you have to accept it, but being happy about it is like accepting it... kinda. And the way you can't just "get over" something shitty, you can't just accept or be happy about something being done. Just cuz you know it's done doesn't' mean you have to like it, now or ever. It'll just have to come to you, when you're ready.

Mareike said...

Nancy, I know how you feel. I really wanted to have more children and I was only 29 when my third child was born and I had a bi-lateral tubal ligation. I was only "supposed" to have two children. When I learned I was pregnant with Tim I was terrified to tell my husband and his family because I thought they'd think I should have an abortion. Fortunately I was never subjected to that pressure but it was clear that I shouldn't have any more children. My head agreed that it would be irresponsible to bring even more children into this already over-populated world but my heart never caught up with that.
My three (now adult) children are the best people I know yet I still sometimes feel jealousy toward women who have more than three children.

mommybird said...

It's hard to close down that chapter of life. I'm not quite there (as long as my uterus decides to stay in long enough for one more), but it makes me sad to think that if we have another it will be the last. I don't want more than 4 kids, but I don't want to give up the ability for children either. They're very complicated feelings, but I totally get your feelings.

Heather said...

I know exactly how you feel. I live vicariously through pregnancy blogs because I know I am done. My husband makes fun of me, but I don't care!

Carrie said...

I've always known that the biological pull to have kids was strong, but I've realized lately that it's stronger than I thought it was.

A friend of mine has four kids and with her last one she got her tubes tied. He's now almost 2 and for the past six months she has been sort of depressed that she had that surgery because she wants another one and is positive that she will some how.

Actually, for the past few months she has been having signs that she IS pregnant - nausea, exhausted, sore boobs, emotional... even having Braxton Hicks-like contractions! - but she is not. She's had ultrasounds and bloodtests and the doctor is stumped as to what's going on with her. We truly wonder if her desire to have another child is so strong that her body is actually mimicking pregnancy.

So - no fuck yous here. :)

Miss Tori said...

You know, it doesn't really matter if you want baby #1 or baby #4. If you feel like there is space in your heart, or a hole in your heart, that can only be filled by having a(nother) child, then there is absolutely nothing wrong about that.

In your case, you made a decision, which at the time, seemed right for you and your family. Now that circumstances have changed, you're regretting your decision. But, the nice thing about IVF is that you don't need your tubes. I do think though that if you are serious about adding another child, you'll want to ask yourself are you feeling this way just because of your current circumstances, and if they were to change suddenly, would you still want another child. If the answer is yes, then I say go for it!

No apologies, no "F" you's, no regrets. Do what you (and Tom) think is best for your family!

You obviously are a great mom, and there is no doubt whatsoever that you love your children. I think a fourth child would only add to the circle of love.

Sarah R said...

Honestly, I can totally see where you are coming from. I can't believe that right now, this will be it for us (2). My husband doesn't want anymore, so while I'd like to leave that door open for a "someday", he will be getting fixed after this one is born. All I have for you are hugs--no "fuck yous" because I totally understand you!

Beautiful Mess said...

Never will I tell you to fuck off! Especially when you're talking about YOUR feelings. I don't think there's anything with wanting to have another. I feel as if i won't the ""baby lottery", and I sometimes still want another. What I mean by "baby lottery" is that there were SO many questions on if our babies were going to be healthy or not and THANKFULLY they both turned out healthy. I have NO business wanting another, but still....I do sometimes. I don't regret having my tubes tied, but sometimes I just wish.....I know the feeling. I wish you peace in whatever decision you come too.
*HUGS*

Kaci said...

You know I'm not an IF'er, but this post made me hurt for you, and everyone else out there who feels this way. From the time I said I wanted children, I said I wanted 2. As soon as I got pregnant with the 2nd, I said "oh no I'm not done." So I can semi-understand where you're coming from. (((hugs)))

And if you really want to hear it I'll say fuck you, but I don't think you deserve to hear that.

CanadianMama said...

Oh Nancy; heart breaking - I'm sorry! Big huge hugs to you!

Have you ever thought about fostering? I know you don't get to be pregnant when you foster but you do get a baby. I used to have lots of clients who would only take in newborns.
YOu seem to be such an amazing family and I'm sure there are lots of little babies out there that would thrive in your house.
Probably not what you are looking for but it's the only advice I've got!

K77 said...

I agree with Kym, it's hard when it's so final. And let's face it, when you're infertile there really isn't any room for "accidents".

Hugs.

MrsSpock said...

You feel how you feel. My mother had five children easily, but wanted 8, and still feels a little "undone" 30 years later.

Hollie said...

You completely have the right to feel how you do about wanting another baby. It must be totally normal when you love children.

Amy said...

I understand. We always said we wanted 1, but I am distraught at the idea of hubby getting a vasectomy (purposely infertile? NO!!) My lil guy is still very small, and I feel very awkward being in a non-ttc place.

JamieD said...

I'd never give you a 'fuck off' for being honest. That is my favorite thing about you!

I totally get the IF survivor/panicky feeling over the thought of ~not~ having another pregnancy.

Marie O'Neill said...

Im a little late in posting a reply, but what the fuck ... I know how you feel. I didnt do anythign permanant to prevent future pregnancy, but being infertile, I woudl have to do another IVF (mind you I have a small army of embies left too)
Anyway, what Im trying to say is this ... its OK to be done, and at the same time, its OKAY to nto be OK with being done. It just proves that you are a great Mom that has a lot to offer to your kids. Seeing your babies grow up and lose that babiness IS hard, and it DOES suck. Hell, I wish I were a billionaire 25 year old and it woudlnt be an issue .... But, like you said, you have 3 beautifully healthy kids to marvel at everyday.
Be grateful as I am .... and I know you are

Okay, stepping OFF my soapbox

Marie