Friday, November 30, 2007

Nurse Called.

How how I love my nurses at my RE's. I need to remember to send two of them gift baskets (and I'm totally not just saying that. I will send them!)

Anywho - All is well. Although she said it's not 100% guaranteed I won't ovulate, if I do, 9-14 dpo is too early to cause harm to the implanted eggs, as it's not yet taking nutrients from the mother.

Huh. I've been trying to calm girls down who drank without knowing they were pregnant in those same days and told them the same exact thing for like 4+ years now. How in the world did I not apply it to myself? Even when my precious katbug told me the same thing today. (~smooch~ katie!)

Surgery is scheduled

Surgery is scheduled Dec 11th, which is cd26.

Which, in turn, causes me some panic. Up until now, even though I was on a TAB cycle, I was using my monitor, because this was a big test for "normal ovulation" for me. This birth control pills thing threw a wrench in it of course, but now I'm doing it just to see what happens. Think of it as a scientific experiment.

You experienced TTCers will understand all the technical stuff that comes next.

Because they didn't call me with my surgery date until cd13, I didn't start taking my pills until the next day. CD14, which was my first day of "high" on my monitor too. Now, for me, looking at all my past non medicated charts, my monitor usually gives me 5 days of "high" before a peak, which is my usual ovulation day. I sometimes O very late in non-medicated cycles, so that being followed, I wouldn't of ovulated until cd19 anywho. Now, if for some reason, taking bcps for 5 days before ovulation ~would have~ happened didn't stop it and by some fucking MIRACLE I ended up conceiving, this would put surgery on 8dpo.

Panic. Panic. Panic.

Just called my RE's nurse and told her I was panicing. Told her that if the pills didn't work and I did conceive by some miracle, it would put surgery in the middle of implantation. True, I'm having instruments put up my hooha, but it's not touching the sides, I'm getting a "snip the webbing" so it could happen. Yes, it would have to be a miracle, but it is possible.

So I consult Dr Google and get more paniced. But nowhere can I find "surgery coinciding with implantation". Just "early pregnancy". Ack. Panic.

Need nurse to call and calm me down.


Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Santa and Children (children obv mentioned)

Why are children ~so~ afraid of Santa? I shouldn't generalize that into "children", but why are so many children afraid?
Ella is 3 1/2 and this is the first time she would go to Santa. Allison was all ready to go, but freaked the hell out once she actually approached Santa. He was super cool, saying he can stand behind his big couch and poke his head out while the kids are on the couch - they wouldn't even know he was there - but there was no way Allie was going to get on that couch. Look at it! It's scares me looking at it now.
So here is the 2007 Santa picture. I'm going to try to get Allie photoshopped in. :)

Took a day off.

It's a day I still need to take a conference call in 7 minutes.

A day I have to take two children to get flu shots.

A day I have to get to the post office and mail the 18 thousand things I have to mail. (okay, like 8 things)

A day I have to get some work done in preparation for tomorrow.

A day I'll still have to end by going to derby practice for 2 hours of hell.

A day that is a weird derby practice night - bad outfit day. Which I don't really get. Are we in high school?

A day I need to do 4 loads of laundry - at least.

A day I have to peel urine soaked sheets off a bed and replace (potty training is fun).

A day I'm ~not~ going to spend making myself feel worse.

A day I hope to get a call to find out when surgery #4 will be.

But, it's a day off. And I have to get on a conference call.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

hard day.

Today is way harder than yesterday was. My heart is having a hard time not being in the game right now. Nothing in my understanding has changed since yesterday, but it's harder for some reason.

I saw 3 bfp announcements from my 'IF Favorites' list today. While it's so exciting for them to have caught the brass ring and for them to be able to get off the ttc ride, I'm still waiting in line to get on the fucking thing. I keep watching the ride go round and round - few people reaching far enough out to snag the ring, most just staying put when the ride ends - allowing the ride to spin them around again. It's heart wrenching enough to not get your turn, realizing all the seats are filled up. And while it's simply wonderful wonderful wonderful there are those few who succeed, it just makes my place in line feel even further away from their joy. And that sucks.

I'm sorry I'm such a ray of sunshine today. I'm sorry that other people's success puts me in such a horrible state. I wish is wasn't this way and I wish that while I ~am~ happy for them, I wish it didn't make me feel like this inside my own heart.

And I just grabbed the last kleenex out of my box here at work. Damn.

Monday, November 26, 2007

You all ~rule~.

Wow - I am astounded at the amount of comments I've received on my previous post. I don't have a blog like some others who get 40-50 comments on each posting, so seeing this many people take the time to give me a little support when I need it - I just wanted to tell you all it's appreciated. Thank you.

I know the surgery is necessary. I saw it myself on the ultrasound this morning and I understand it's importance. I know it's just a hiccup in my journey. I know it only means 3-4 more weeks of waiting than I originally thought. I know it will make my oven in better shape than it is now and it will give my buns a better chance at baking. I just thought the surgical part was over and done with. I thought I was on my way to actually ~trying~ to conceive instead of ~waiting~ to conceive. This will all soon be part of my past instead of my future. I'm simply disappointed to be stuck in my own present right now. I also know this is minor compared to things other people in our community are going through and for that, I will try to keep in mind how grateful I need to be and how lucky I really am.

Unfair. UnFreakingFair.

HSS was this morning. While the uterus "looked great", he followed up with a "but...".

~ Previous to both surgeries, my uterus was 50%+ sealed shut with scar tissue.

~ After surgery #1, 20-30% was still covered in scar tissue.

~ After surgery #2 (the most recent), I have "a thin webbing" of scar tissue right in the freaking middle of my uterus. Both sides look great, but the webbing isn't good. RE said I could still get pregnant, but if the egg implanted anywhere near the webbing, I'll most likely miscarry.

Here are my options:
1) Do nothing. See if I get pregnant. If I get pregnant, cross my fingers I don't miscarry.
2) Get surgery #3. He said it would be the most minor or surgeries, requiring only a "snip" of the scissors to cut the webbing apart. I asked about the balloon, he said most likely I won't need it, but if it's thicker than he can see via ultrasound, it will be necessary.
3) Do nothing for now, but get it later. He said he would ~not~ perform IVF with the webbing present and he would require the surgery if I go that route. Damn, this point is the one that really shows me #1 isn't an option if I want to get pregnant again.

How fair is this? ~Another~ surgery? THREE? Three in 4 months. This is not cool. Not cool at all.

I guess the only "good" thing about it is I wouldn't miss too much time. I would have to go on bcps right now to chill out the follies I have present right now (I've got 2 on the left - today is cd11). They'll be calling me with the nearest surgery date, so hopefully it'll be soon. Then, I'll have to take the obligitory 3-4 weeks of estrogen and then allow the bleed to happen and THEN I'll be able to do a treatment cycle. So, if I can get surgery scheduled within the next two weeks, I'll be able to do a femara/IUI cycle in January.

I want to cry, but I'm numb about it. Actually, I'm pissed off about it. This is C14 and I've had what? 3 cycles I was able to trigger ovulation to avoid cysts? And two of those were presurgical, so those were most likely out, as I had a very faulty oven. One of those was post #1 surgery, but I still was 20-30% faulty. My goodness. Can a girl just get a fucking ~chance~??? Any idea how aggravating it is to not be able to have a chance? I'm not even giving a chance to fail. I've been in a holding pattern for over a year. And I used to think TAB for one cycle was hard. Try 14 cycles.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

there's no shame in pooping.

Everyone poops. Great. If I need to talk about it (as in with a doctor, for example) I'm not embarrassed. I do like to keep it private for the most part though. I don't like a crowded bathroom. I'm not going to make it part of general chit chat at work. I'm not going to pretend it doesn't exist, but it's not on my top 5 things to discuss over a sandwich at lunch.

This is why I find no shame in a can of smell-good in the bathroom. Sometimes it's necessary and due to the fact I don't want to smell it in my own house, I keep a bottle of it, within sight, in my guest bathroom. But for some reason, it's not used correctly. And I just don't get it. If it needs to be used, spray it for just a second. Is that so hard? Apparently it is because I've noticed it's either ~not~ used when it should be or it's overused hardcore.

When it's not used - why? Does the person think they smell like roses? Does the person think spraying it admits to the act of pooping? (um, not spraying it is worse.) Does the person just not think about it at all?

And the over user. My good lord. Most sprays are strong. It does ~not~ need to be sprayed until the mist is literally visible in every square inch. In this case, I really don't know what's better. The smell itself or the smell of a french whore house. (I assume only whore houses in france are doused with perfume).

As I wrap this up, let me leave you with something that has horrified me for years. The act of smelling something happens because there are actual particles of the offending substance itself landing on your olfactory receptors. Yeah. When you smell shit, it's because you are literally breathing in teeny particles of shit. And ~this~ is why smells bother me.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

I can't sleep, i type extraordinarily long comments & WOW

It's 12:38am right now and I think the cough medicine I took is making me feel wide awake when I should be sleeping. I tried to lay down but it felt like it was the middle of the day.

I'm awake and tomorrow is going to be a loooong day. Work. Thanksgiving lunch at the school. Finish the work day off at home. Pack for three people. Load up the car. As soon as hubby gets home, jump in the car and drive for 2+ hours. Awesome. Oh yeah, the day will start at the latest - 6am. 5 hours and 15 minutes from now. I'm stoked.

I have been using this time to catch up on some blog reading. And for many people's unfortunate dismay (as opposed to fortunate dismay), I've been commenting. Oh how I've been commenting. Some of my comments were longer that the post I was commenting on! (okay, an exaggeration there).

Maybe it's because I'm actually really tired but I can't recognize it. Maybe I'm punchy. But for whatever reason, there is quite a few of you who have a novel to read upon checking out your blog. I apologize if I went overboard and said a lot of useless nonsense. Or if I turned it into a comment about myself (ack. I tend to do this and it's simply despicable.) It's bad enough that I tend to type long comments when I'm not like this. I just noticed it's WAY worse tonight.

Can someone ~please~ tell my brain that it's time to go to sleep?

Something random. I hate when I use too many exclamation points! I know everything in online-land isn't so damned exciting! I need to stop using them! But when I don't use them, I feel like I'm making a point to ~not~ be excited about whatever I'm commenting on! (okay, those were just for show). You see, since tone can not be read obviously in most cases, I see the difference in these two sentences:

I'm really happy you were able to work out all of your issues.
I'm really happy you were able to work out all of your issues!

In type, the first seems like it's almost being sarcastic. The second one seems like I really am happy about the working of the issues. I know the exclamation point doesn't need to be used, but still, I use it. And I wince each and every time.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

4th post today!

The 3rd one sucked really bad, so I'm going to go ahead and update you all on the ttc front.

~ I am on cd5 of the heaviest AF of the history of Nancy. Only second to postpartum bleeding, this is really bad. The extra estrogen must have really worked this time as I cannot believe the amounts here. I actually had to buy a box of supers. I've always used regular and to be honest, could leave one of those in for 12 hours without incident. But this time, omg! A super ever 2 hours. It's since gotten better and back to a "regular" flow for me, but still. I usually don't even have 5 day long cycles! By today, I'm usually over and done with.

~ Nurse called to schedule the HSS. Next Monday, the 26th at some god awful hour of 7am or something. Yuck.

~ I know I have to tab this cycle, but I wonder what they'll have me do. Is it just a tab from treatment? Or is it an absolute no-no to get pregnant? Will they make me abstain? Use protection? I'm afraid if they don't ~tell me~ to make sure I do NOT get pregnant, I will still 'accidentally try'. What are the chances anywho? Slim to none! But I know me and I won't want to sit out if not told not to. Then again, I wouldn't want to jeopardize any pregnancy at all, so I will probably puss out at the last moment in fear of doing harm. If a miracle happened and then the unthinkable happened, I would know it was my fault and I couldn't handle that well. And I shouldn't handle that well.

Alrighty - that's that. I sure was wordy today.

3 a day

keeps the boredom away!

Yup, my 3rd blog in one day! Wow!!! (heh. too bad these are not the most exciting things in the world. Although personally, I do believe my family's pictures to be important since I have a personal stake in them! Oh, and my nasty foot picture was pretty up there on the disgusting chart!)

I just have some random comments to make. Much of it is explanation of myself in regards to how I do things. Do I ~need~ to explain? Nope. But I'm going to spend some time doing it, so maybe I can counteract some of the extra reading I am forced to do.

I think I'm done publishing a certain anon's comments for now. I mention the whole "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all, ~especially~ anonymously" thing and I get back a whole "you wouldn't say anything to me anyway, since I'm just a name to you" in return.

Oy vey.

#1. When I get a comment from ANYONE, I read through them and do appreciate them (well, the non-rude ones).

1A. If there is a link to the commenter's blog - I ~always~ go there and read. I usually put them in my 'favorites' list too, so I can continue to read. I don't always comment on their blog right away though. I would like to, but if they hadn't posted in over a week or if I don't really understand what is happening in their world at the moment or it's inappropriate for me to chime in (ie: it's a blog talking about how hard it is to see people with children, I'm not really the person to be comforting them, even though my heart feels for them). See, I don't comment JUST to comment. I like to say things when I really mean it. Even if it's a quick reply from me, I ~mean~ it. So maybe I don't comment immediately, but I will.

1B. If there is a question asked, I'll try to answer in a comment. If there is something that the reader misunderstood, I try to explain it. These are the kinds of comments I will usually answer in line right away.

1C. If I get a reply where I thought it was beyond expected, I will reply with a thanks. For instance - IFers commenting on my children. This is something that many people couldn't reply to. Not that they don't want to, but that it's hard for them. So when I see a response to something of that nature, I want to let them know how much I do appreciate it. OR if there is some extra support given to me when I'm really down and was touched by the responses, I'll give a "thanks".

1D. I usually don't reply to "normal" comments that most people give. Now, this does ~not~ mean the comments aren't appreciated - good lord no! I ~puffy heart~ comments and appreciate each and every one (except the rude ones, of course. But even then, sometimes they are funny!). But replying to every comment on every post would become too much. Not too much to do, but too much as in it would end up being insincere. See, blogs are here, at least mine is, to get support. So responding to each and every comment would be like sending a thank you note for receiving a thank you note. The aspect of it being accepted and posted is the recognition I give. And I also give back by leaving as many heart felt comments back to the community as I can. Comment here? I'm going to read your blog. Plain and simple. And eventually, if not that very moment, it will be my turn to return the favor of support.

#2. The Grammar Cop did ~not~ bother me! I explained how I understood how things like that bother some more than others. So even though I may not point things like that out, I can understand it. (I've received some comments regarding the fact I was upset about the whole thing. But I wanted to correct the assumption that I was upset over the aspect of the actual bad grammar being pointed out, which I wasn't. I was upset that it jacked me all up as part of the aftermath of thinking about the rules too much)

#3. Anonymous comments. I get some rude ones every now and again. Sometimes I think they are funny and I publish them. Sometimes they are simply too rude to give them the time of day. Long gone is time when there was an ongoing "feud" of sorts, but that has all been worked out (I hope) and put to bed. There is always the random ones out there that many have to deal with though. I don't think anyone can escape it.

#4. I'm not in Jr high. Sure, I do enjoy some stupidity in an anon war of words every now and again - which is, in itself, quite childish, I'll admit. But it's done to amuse myself. It is my blog, right? But back to Jr High. What I won't do is continue to allow the same anon comments, over and over. Give me new information if you want to continue talking with me. But once I'm bored with the same topic, said over and over and over, I'm done. Maybe it could have kept my attention in Jr High, but I certainly don't give a crap about "boohoo - you don't like me" comments anymore. Snore.

#5. I don't think there is a number five. And this has gotten to be long enough. Who reads things this long?

#6. Guess what? I didn't proof read!

updated photos

I wanted to let you know that I finally posted a bunch of new pictures to the photo album on my family's website.

They are 98% pictures of the children, so obviously it's a "children mentioned" kind of thing. I wouldn't want anyone to go clicking there if you weren't expecting to see it.

The link is on the right column somewhere, but here it is in liu of having to search for it: Photo Album.

derby foot.

This is my foot directly after taking off my skates from a two hour workout.

See the "thing" on the right side? It's a bone spur from pushing on my foot in a whole new way from skating hard in a circle.

Terribly disgusting, eh? And you wouldn't believe how painful it is too!

Monday, November 19, 2007

Hey - Grammar police ...

Thanks for ~jacking me up~ on the use of it's and its. You made me stop and think about it and second guess myself! And since no one can read my typing tone - that was said in a sarcastic, playful tone. I don't want anyone thinking I'm all upset and then starting a grammar war!

When you brought it up to me, I thought to myself "Well, of ~course~ I know the difference. I know how to write!". I (mistakenly) assumed an apostrophe s means possessive. Made logical sense so I started being aware of how many times I was (mistakenly) using it wrong.

Over the past week, I've been thinking about it each time I typed it. And although logical, it seemed wrong. I didn't like to use it this "new" way (for me) and ended up looking it up tonight.

Damn it. I WAS using it right all along!!!

Taken from It's "its", by Craig S. Kaplan.

"It's" is a contraction. It is short for "it is" (or occasionally for "it has"). It's not a way to describe a property to some "it".

It's a small world, after all. It's a small world, after all.
You do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around, that's what it's all about.
Well, it's been a long, been a long, been a long, been a long day., that's what it's all about.

"Its" is a possessive pronoun. Its interpretation is something like "that which belongs to it", where "it" stands for some previously defined object.

He left it dead, and with its head he went galumphing back
Love rears its ugly head.

I do take into consideration that maybe I was using the possessive pronoun of "its" wrong and maybe that is what the anonymous grammar police was pointing out. But I DO use "it's" a lot and have always used it as a contraction of "it is". I don't have the energy (nor the time now since I just spent so much on it already) to go back through my posts previous to anon letting me know just how much my lack of "it's and its" knowledge offended her reading senses. (Which is okay by me. Maybe not something I would have pointed out to someone anonymously, but there's a lot of things I do that others wouldn't too). None of the previous posts had been corrected or updated or touched in any manner. Maybe one of those previous posts shows some grievous uses of "its" as a possessive pronoun. Maybe I used "it's" instead of "its", but I know that I have been using "it's", as a contraction, correctly.

Man, that's been bugging me.

Update - approx 10 seconds after first publish... I ~did~ have the energy to look back at the previous entry before the anonymous grammar police gave me a ticket. I did use "it's" wrong. Twice in the same *sentance. I used "it's" incorrectly as a possessive pronoun. So yeah, ignore everything up above that makes it seem that I thought Anon was incorrect in scolding me. I did use it wrong in the way I thought I could have and that is probably what she was pointing out. But I still stand by everything else especially the part about it ~jacking~ me up!

* You know what's really funny? Since the grammar girl chimed in, I have been trying to at least spell check each post so I don't look like a complete idiot. And when I put in the update above, I hit publish before spell checking and thought to myself "nah, no chance I spelled something wrong in just a quick paragraph".

Sunday, November 18, 2007

so sick.


Sore throat. Coughing. Feverish.

Again, Ugh.

Friday, November 16, 2007

What is your rule for cd1?

Yeah - 2 hours after posting my last entry, she's here.

What is your own/ob/re's rule for cd1? I can't quite remember what mine said. I ~think~ it's anytime after 5pm means the next day is cd1. Since it was pretty much 5pm, I'm wondering if I should count today or tomorrow. For now, I'm going with today.

Isn't it funny how IFers ponder such stupid questions?


Nothing to report. Nothing happening in my girlie organs. At least I can't tell anymore. Weird.


Thursday, November 15, 2007

CRAMPS! (and diet update)

Oh. My. God.

Cramps. Just the regular ole menstrual cramps, but the kind that means impending doom. I am surprised every 5 minutes that she's not here already. Wow. Cramps. Don't have the backache though. But have the cramps. I'm wondering if it's due to so much estrogen I've taken for the past two weeks. Maybe my lining is 4 inches thick. heh.

Oh - and the pre-packaged diet is sucking the life out of me. Day 4 is coming to an end and I cheated already today. Not that I didn't have the intention of even eating my little planned lunch, but there was the BIG thanksgiving potluck today. Mmmm. Like 100 people are part of it which means 100 different dishes - and that is not including the turkey and ham. So I ate. I didn't eat a lot of anything, but I ate a little of everything. I tallied up my calories the best I could and my lunch was 1201.35 calories. It was the pumpkin pie & cool whip, the ham and the stuffing that did me in. My normal intakes for the 3 days before that was 1080-1300 calories in an ENTIRE day. Today, the total was 2,063.8 calories. sweet.

It'll be okay though. On derby days, I eat the 1100-1300 calories and use up about 750 of those working out. Roller skating your ass off while your entire body drips of sweat for 2 straight hours (believe me, few water breaks and no real resting) works those up. I simply used "rollerblading" for 90 minutes to get the 750 calories, but derby practice is 2 hours, but we take time to stretch and then do calisthenics, so I figure it's a fair assumption.

Too bad tonight wasn't a work out night - but I did pick up the house, cleaned the kitchen, gave baths to two squirmies, did about 3 louds of laundry, hauled out a pile of 30 pieces of clothing to dryclean (i do that when i get behind in ironing) and haven't sat down since I got out of bed this morning. The husband is out "with the boys" which means he's at the strip club. I showed him a picture of a girl on my team who is a stripper there to make sure he gives her the most of the money. It's nice what us derby girls do for one another, eh? heh. (strip clubs have never ever been intimidating for me. In fact, my derby team all went a few weeks ago and we saw a midget stripper. I got a picture of her on my lap. I really need to post that, don't I?)

I'm giving up on getting tired. I have issues relaxing at night and I even took an ambien and a xanax tonight (both given to me by my pcp for my insomnia issues) and I don't feel it at all. Stupid drugs. Why do some work so well on me while others, the ones I would LOVE for them to work, are like taking sugar pills? poop. Well, off to get that last load of laundry done!


While I really ~love~ the last post and all the comments that have gone with it - and I would love to keep it up top to keep it going, I do have something else to say.

I love getting dressed in the morning because I get to pick out a fancy bra to wear. I LOVE having boobs now. That $4,875 was the best money invested. I get to pick out non-padded bras now and they are so fucking cute! Just for the knowledge of those who weren't on my last blog during the big boob surgery of '06 ... I was down to an A- cup. Seriously. I had nothing. nada. zippo. So I bought some - only a small C cup, even a large B cup in some types of bras, so it's nothing outrageous. In fact, I get the shock and awe of "omg - those are the best fakes I've ever seen" all the time. Now - they could just all be lying, but it seems really genuine, so I choose to trust them. :) Anywho. I love them. And I love my bras. And I wanted to say it since I don't say too many silly happy things lately.

Okay, so it wasn't important to say, but that last post and its comments have made me giddy.

(good lord. Now I'm all paranoid over it's and its).

Wednesday, November 14, 2007


I got an anonymous comment on the last post about my use of "it's" and "its" and how if I learned to use it right, my blog would be easier to read.

At first I was a little "I don't use it wrong" and I looked through it. My goodness. In one sentence I used it wrong twice! Okay. So I do know the difference. Really, I do. I was actually an english minor for a short time. (no smart ass remarks).

So now I feel like I have to defend myself. Not that I ~have~ to, but now I want to.

#1 - I'm a fast typer.
#2 - I rarely EVER proof read. As I'm sure you can tell.
#3 - I do a few things that I completely know to be wrong. ie: my use of parenthetical phrases is beyond too much. I also capitalize randomly which is quite annoying to some. I start sentences with So and And and many other wrongeties. And I make up my own words.
#4 - I just started to use spellchecker and still quite frequently forget. It goes back to #2.

To be perfectly honest, I find the act of proof reading monotonous. I figure anyone reading my writing can read right through typos and mistakes, because that's what I do when I read. Yeah, some things bother me big time ("loose" for "lose" is a biggie) but it's something I just read through. But, I understand typos and common mistakes can drive some people completely crazy and I can appreciate it. I can't promise I'll get it all right, because I don't see how proof reading will become a part of my life after 35 years, but I will try!

Blogger Flame of Fortitude

Jenna started the Blogger Flame of Fortitude and it's been making it's way to many, many, many nobel recipients. Sara actually mentioned little old me for this honor and I couldn't thank her more. I was actually giddy when I saw my name because I've never ever ever been nominated, mentioned or "tagged" for any type of these things. (I did make it into Mel's Friday blog roundup though, which was quite cool!) Sara is very deserving herself and I'm glad to see so many people mentioned her for it.

I would like to forward this off to a list of people who also deserve it. I have a "favorites" list of about 50 girls I read on mostly on a daily basis, and while they all deserve it, here's my shorter list of the ones who may actually see I am passing it onto (I'm sure that many don't actually read mine). Of course, it's in no particular order!

Jenny, who just lost the battle with IUI#3, is someone who keeps hope cycle after cycle. If you ask me - that takes considerable courage.
Wendy is one sarcastic woman, which is why I puffy heart her so much.
Beth is another one who is a big courageous lion in my book. A pcos girl in her own right, who keeps plugging along.
Chicklet, whom I just freaking love. (I swear I won't start to stalk you or anything)
Mel, who's probably nominated like a gajillion times, but still. If it wasn't for her courage to write about everything in her soul, I probably wouldn't know 95% of the IFers I read.
Kim, who actually spoke up for herself at the REs! It's something she says she's not known for, but I think she's always had it in her.
Kat, my katbug. New to blogging but not new to IF. She's suffered a recent loss yet continued to ask how I was doing.
JJ, who has the courage to keep a sense of humor through it all.
katrinajellybeana, who had the courage to make it through her last hopeful cycle.
Julie, or Jewels to her friends, has the courage to remember everyone else in her life and never lets them forget it. I find this courageous because it's an easier task to just worry about yourself.

I wish I could spend all day listing out everyone I thought deserves this.

I have to get it done today.

I have to switch insurance plans from my coverage to my husband's coverage. It'll be a tad less expensive in our biweekly pre-tax payments (i was so wrong in how much I paid before. It was only $72/paycheck and a family is $130, but his charge is $92), the coverage is a lot less (80% coverage instead of my 90%), the deductible is a lot more ($250 instead of my $100) and the max out of pocket is horribly worse ($2,500 instead of my $1,000) but his covers INFERTILITY.

Damn. I can't believe I'm even thinking of this as a gamble. 4 IUIs or 1 IVF will cover the max out of pocket and then I'm covered 100%. But if I happen to actually become ~pregnant~ (yeah, right) without IVF or before 4 IUIs, I'm out of luck. The gamble didn't work and I'm stuck paying $1,500 more than I would have. Wait. I just got perspective. $1,500 gamble on possible $50,000 payoff (3 fresh and 3 FETs). $1,500 isn't a lot in the long run. I can suck it up this year if all fails, right? I'll put that much into my HCRA and just get it done with.

I guess I should just go and get it done. Right now. "Just Do It", right? (by the way, I hate Nike).

Whew. I did it. I feel like throwing up a bit, but I did it.

Monday, November 12, 2007

my uterus is confused. (diet and pictures too)

I feel ~very~ premenstrual. Very.

I'm on cd30 and I'm on birth control pills. I have 3 more days of the pill and I gotta tell you, I don't know if the medication is going to hold out what my body definitely wants to do. If it does start, screw the last 3 pills (or two, or one) because it's not going to matter THAT much. As far as I'm concerned, I would like C14 to get on it's merry way, get the HSS and find out what the fuck my follicles are going to do. Ovulate? Maybe. Hold onto the egg and create a giant cyst? That could be a very real outcome too. A shitty outcome, as I would really like to NOT have to go on birth control pills for another month to settle them down, but a possible outcome nonetheless.

My poor husband. And poor me. No sex for 11 days now. Plus, it was his birthday last week! No birthday sex. Oh, and I got my yearly cold sore due to the weather changing to cold. So none of that either. I feel bad for the poor guy. I think I may be done spotting as of today, so we may have some action tonight. That's if roller derby doesn't do me in.

(children mentioned & some triggery pregnancy pictures. Look away if you are having a bad day!!!)

Not much going on. Just got back from a weekend trip to the inlaws. They've got a crazy insane giant house out of town and it's great for the kiddos. They got to ride horses (not the inlaws) and run around and scream and do all the things kids do. I read. I ~never~ get to read anymore. Ever. So it was nice.

Oh - the diet. The diet! I started it today. It's a pre-packaged meal plan and I was inspired by Sara. (by the way, sara, you owe me something like $380 if this doesn't work.) I don't plan to do it more than 4 weeks, unless of course, I start to lose all kinds of weight and start to look like a model. Then I'll keep it up. I really wanted to do it to learn how to eat and what it takes to eat to lose weight. I'm a horrible eater - I always have. When I gave birth to Allison, I started cutting my eating drastically and I lost it. Oh, how I lost it. I'm sure the breastfeeding helped, but more than that - being literally driven insane by a small 15 month old baby and a newborn was the main culprit. As soon as I gained control of mmy life, I plumped back up to normal.
A little background. I'm 5'7" and athletically built. I was super skinny pre-30s and then I settled in at around 135. Still thin, yes, and it looked good when it was muscle. But when it was 10 lbs of fat, things weren't so great. I weigh more than I look like I weigh. When I tell people I weight 145 lbs, they don't believe me. But I do. I really do. And I actually think I weight 148 lbs, as I am under scale suspicion right now. My ticker may have to be upped soon, but until then, I'm sticking with the 145.

Let's do a pictorial ...
This is how I was back when I first found out I was pregnant (yes, we were a belly picture taking family). I was 8 weeks pregnant here and ~not~ showing. I was about 135 lbs pre-pregnancy and I worked out, so I carried it very well.

Holy shit. These pictures still frighten me. I was 185 lbs here and I ended up having the baby the next day. 50 lb pregnancy weight gain. Whoa.

This is 6 months after that last picture and I am 6 weeks pregnant. Again, not showing. But you can see how I'm a little "soft". I'm about 140 in this picture and ~not~ muscluar.

Ack. Sorry. Again, it freaks me out. And this is only one baby. I couldn't imagine twins inside me. I was huge. Not one of those cutesy little pregnant women. I was GIANT. Anywho. Yeah. I was 190 here, another 50 lbs weight gain. And I gave birth later that day.

This was me 8 months later. Ahhh. Skinnidom. Okay, okay, I was too skinny. I was 125 lbs without any muscle. It was weird how flabby and how skinny I was at the same time.

(In case anyone is interested in the entire belly progression through pregnancies, you can go here. I don't want to post all of them here)

The last picture lasted about 6 more months and I slowly started to gain. It also coincided with baby making. Was it due to the fertility drugs? I surely say it was. But it probably was only a small part of it all. Again, I eat terribly and it was my fault. Like I said earlier, sitting at 145 by this morning's scale, which may actually be 148. I would LIKE to get to 130, but right now, my goal is 135.

I'll update as things progress.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

healthcare. kinda.

P - I accidentally deleted your comment - sorry about that! I wanted to comment on it and I just hit reject instead of publish. No idea why. So here's my comment, all in it's own post!

Yes, you are lucky for living in Canada for it's health care. Our health care isn't the best for the type of nation we are. The US has something like 301 million people vs 33 million in Canada. Managing health care for ~268~ MILLION more people is a little more daunting of a task, don't you think? You told me that I should fight for managed care, but I don't know if that would work for us. I'm very interested IN care. And I think if you can't afford it, there should be something in place, but nationally managed care for the US? I honestly don't know and couldn't fathom coming up with an opinion without much research. If and when there is a measure for public health care, I will vote on it. Canada's health system works for Canada. But to push for managed care for a nation with 90% ~more~ people just because it works for someone else, someone much smaller?

I'm glad Canadians have health care guaranteed to them. I'm glad Canadians can leave their jobs and be paid some amount for a 12 month long maternity leave. It's freaking awesome and I'm jealous that I don't have that. (okay, not jealous of 12 months off. I'd wither and die) BUT, I'm not jealous that the United States doesn't have it. We're a different country with a buttload of different problems. Good problems and bad, very bad problems, but out problems. I do think one of our problems is healthcare. And something needs to be done. I just don't know what the solution is.

I didn't mean to make this sound like I was anti managed care nor anti Canada. Nor am I meaning to sound like you said anything but nice things to me! You just mentioned Canada's managed care and since I have strong feelings about it, I thought I would express them. You just brought up the opportunity to post about it - you didn't cause it! :)

Friday, November 9, 2007

Blogtavism, My Story

For the 12 and a half fighting back project started by our own stirrup queen, mel, here is my story.

We were married in 2001 and tried to start a family a year later. I started right off the bat with opks and quickly learned things were as they "should" be and we tried. And tried. And tried. I made an appointment with my regular doctor at the 12 month mark and we were given a referral to the RE. At the time, I had to wait for pre-authorization from my insurance for any specialist, but I didn't think twice about it. The authorization came quickly enough, but to my dismay, the list of what was ~not~ covered was included. Let me sum that up for you in telling you what was covered - the office visits themselves. Everything else, all tests, drugs, ultrasounds - everything was on the "not" list. Seriously, what in the hell was I supposed to do at these office visits? Just sit and talk about getting pregnant?

We went through 6 months of treatment. Clomid, lap (covered by some miracle) and an HSG. Although I was told I had "minor endo", nothing was wrong. On the 18th month, I conceived my daughter, Ella. I honestly didn't do anything that month, as it was our "tab" month before our first IUI, since we had to save the $1200 cost out of pocket. It almost pisses me off a little bit that it was during a break because of all the "see, i told you that you were trying too hard!" remarks. But maybe it was due to residual clomid. Maybe due to more open tubes. Maybe due to cleaned out ovaries.

When it came time to try for #2, we wasted no time. I told my husband that we should get the non-pregnant months behind us so we'll have them under our belts once we get "there". I was completely expecting another long haul, but we got pregnant in the first month. What? A first-monther? I never would have thought it in a million years. And you know what? I fell horribly guilty over it. And now it's time for #3, our last installment to the family. Secondary+ infertility is a whole other ballgame and has been a bunch of other posts. All I want to say now is I don't "want" now any less than I did before. Am I lucky? Sure I am. But do I still feel heartache along with the failures? Yup.

The last 13 months has been insane. I've been diagnosed with LUF syndrome and Asherman's syndrome. Both are very expensively diagnosed and treated. I've spent maybe $5,000 out of pocket in the past year. It's a lot, but it sure isn't a drop in the bucket comparatively speaking to some people. Insurance still doesn't cover infertility treatments, but it now covers more. When I talk with my coworkers about it, they point out that it's unfair that a 55 year old man should pay for my fertility coverage. But me, a 35 year old woman pays for prostate health and I'm not complaining about it. Some people need things that others don't need. And others need things some don't. We're all in the together and I can't wait until there is a time that some diseases aren't left out in the cold in regards to insurance coverage.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

I've been deflated.

My appointment got moved up to this morning and I am happy to report the balloon has been removed. Oh my goodness, that was the most uncomfortable thing I've ever had to deal with in regards to my girlie parts. And ~ouch~, the pain during removal was outstanding. I actually let out a little yelp, tightened up and started crying. The pain was unbearable. Reminded me of labor, to tell you the truth, but instead of it lasting 22 hours, it was only a few minutes. I'm still quite tender/crampy, but better. And that's all I can hope for right now.

As for the future plan. It seemed to be pretty much exactly what I thought it would be. I have to take estrogen and my birth control pills for another week. Then once I stop the pills and get my cycle, I call and make an appoinment for an HSS to happen in the next week. The HSS will give us all the information we'll need to decide if the surgery was a success or not. The upcoming cycle will also be a TAB cycle, as I will need a complete full cycle under my belt to help in the healing process. This means my next cycle could possibly be as soon as mid-december and we can get back on the ttc boat.

This next cycle does have some worries for me though. Without a trigger, I don't know if I'll be able to release the egg my follie will make. I make follies just fine and dandy, but I don't release them without help - at least I haven't been able to release them without help during the last year. This cycle will be a huge 'wait and see' which may end well - as a normal ovulation cycle without any left over cysts, or I may come in for my cd3 baseline and walk away with ~another~ script for birth control. I really, really hope that doesn't happen. BUT, I am a little excited to see what happens. I know that I've been scared to have a natural cycle because of the risk of cysts, so I've always opted for monitored cycles paired with triggers. Since I'm being forced to have a 'normal' cycle, it's really out of my hands and I won't be able to worry about what I could have done to stop it from happening.

So that's my update. 5-6 more weeks stuck in a holding pattern. Sucks, but what can I do?

Monday, November 5, 2007

Do you know how much I hate it?

Do you know how much I hate not having any ttc updates for myself? I don't get to say where I am in my cycle. I don't get to say why symptom x isn't worth obsessing about. I don't get to say why symptom y is worth obsessing about. I don't get to take a magical fertility drug. I don't get to trigger. I don't get to have early morning appointments with the condomed wand. I don't get to poas. I don't get to have early morning conversations with my fertility monitor while trying to wash my face as it figures out it's next instruction.

I'm just kinda stuck.

I do get to read where all of you are in your cycles. I get to say why I think symptom c isn't worth obsessing about, but symptom y is. I get to read about your drug intake or your new protocol. I get to read about you moving forward. I get to read about triggers. I get to read about follie reports. I get to read about BFPs and BFNs and give appropriate responses. I get to read about u/s appointments and heartbeats and pants that don't fit anymore. With this though, I also get to read about tragedy. Tragedies that make this whole thing suck so much more for some. Tragedies that make my heart physically hurt for some of you. But the bad comes with the good, so it's expected - just unwanted. The point is I get to read it all from you and I'm jealous. Yes, I'm jealous of it all. Jealous of everyone who gets to do something.

So I sit and update my chart. "birth control pills". This week was a little more exciting with the "surgery", "spotting", "estrogen", "antibiotics" & "abstaining" checkboxes being utilized, but that's about it in the excitement category.

Sure - the surgery is a step forward. But in the midst of it, it's no fun. I would rather have back to back to back cycles and treatments. I would rather move forward in a way where I can see results, even if they are just failed IUIs. But I want to be doing ~something~.

Did you know that since May 8th, I've had only ~3~ cycles I got to TRY on? That's 3 tries in 6 months. And yes, I know there are others out there who have it worse. Maybe they are having annovulatory after annovulatory cycles. But I'm not saying I have it worse off. Just that this, in itself, sucks too. I'm 35 years old. I have something like 8-9 more cycles left to try and that's it. I can't put in 2 cycles for every 1 chance. I just can't. At least now I know I can't let my body try on it's own. I can't risk a cyst and a month of birth control pills again. We're going triggered cycles at the very least, IUIs and IVFs until the timer buzzes.

On friday I get my balloon out (boooo! They said it was supposed to be tues!) and I hope to get a rough timeframe of how long I'll be out of the game. Because as SOON as I'm given the nod, I'm off the bench for a very long time. No time outs here. Game ON.

Thank you for all the well wishes!

I appreciate all your comments on hoping I feel better! Nothing much has changed. I am still quite crampy and uncomfortable. It gets painful at times, but it's not really overbearing. I'm just trying to take it easy and counting down the days it'll be until I get it removed on Friday.

Sunday, November 4, 2007


I'm in ~a lot~ of pain right now. Even broke down and took a pain pill almost an hour ago and it still hasn't touched it. I don't know if it was from being on my feet last night during the bout or what, but this is a little ridiculous. I'm in more pain today than I have been for the past 2 days post surgery.

Saturday, November 3, 2007

Why would you give up? (updated)

I read ~a lot~ of IF blogs out there and every now and again, I see women give up.

Some of these women, I can understand. These are women who have come to their end, be it for any personal reason. I can understand if someone has spent tens of thousands of dollars and just can't do it anymore. Or if someone finally realizes their bodies will not cooperate, no matter what is tried. Or maybe the reached their magical "too old" age. There could be many valid reasons I could definitely understand. And maybe them giving up is just giving up ~trying~. Maybe they'll put themselves on birth control so the possibility is out, because sometimes that's what it takes to move past it. Maybe they'll pursue adoption. Maybe they'll pursue a life without children. Maybe they'll pursue a life with the children they already have.

Then there are some women I don't understand.

And let me just say, just because I don't understand, it doesn't mean I don't respect their decision. What I am talking about it is extremely personal, of course. Just because I may not agree with their decisions, doesn't mean I don't think they should be allowed to make that decision for themselves. I think everyone needs to be supported in any decision they make, as long as the decision doesn't hurt themselves or others around them. This whole post is just me thinking about the confusion I have over some people's decisions. It's ~not~ because I don't respect their decision.

I see some women give up at really weird times. Like they've been trying to conceive for only a handful of months and they just decide it's not happening, so they are going to give up. Not because they want to put it off until later - maybe until they are older, have more money, are in a better place in the marriage, but they just quit "forever". Hrm. I've seen other women give up because of a medical problem, but it's a medical problem they are on the precipice of solving! For example, let's say a woman finally was diagnosed with an issue. And this issue is 98% treatable with medication, but it could be one in ten medications. She takes the first 2 medications and they fail, but she has 8 probable meds left. But instead of trying one of the last eight, she just says she's done. She's sick of failing so she quits. ARGH!! But she has 8 meds left!!! The probability of one of those meds working is like 78.4%.

I wonder why these women quit so "easily" while so many other women will do anything and everything they can to try to succeed. Is it that the survivors ~want~ it more? Are the survivors just tougher? Do you think the quitters are so afraid of possible REAL failure, that they don't want to come to that point? For example - the women who only has a 2% chance of her condition not being treatable - is she too afraid to get to that point? The point where she may find out it's not treatable and there is nothing more she can do? She only tried 2 times to correct it, but if these other 8 things don't work, she can stand to face the future of a body that failed her? What about the other women? The woman who just quit after a handful of times? Do you think ttc is so hard on some women, that they'd rather never have children so they don't have to have temporary heartache of failing? Or maybe it was they weren't ready for kids in the first place. Like I said, I don't get it.

By the way - I'm not talking about the temporary "I can't take this anymore" and someone takes a break. I know that I've contemplated just saying "fuck it" and putting my IUD back in and forgetting the whole thing, but I knew that wouldn't actually quit. Just thinking about it sometimes helps me see that it's not what I want to do.

I'm also not talking about the women who say they are going to stop ~trying~ by they aren't going to prevent. While sometimes this is a wonderful thing to be able to let the obsessions go, I rarely see it happen. They still obsess about things and usually, it's worse because since they are trying to quit trying, they have no fucking idea where they are in their cycle! I will admit that these women grate on my nerves. They make big announcements that they are going to let it all go - that they are going to not try anymore - that they are going to let the cards lay as they fall. But they whine about it the most because they now have very little knowledge of what is going on, yet they still want to outcome we all want. Or they decide halfway that they DO want to know what's going on, but it's too late in their cycle to get a hold onto something concrete. No, I can't look at two temps from cd23-26 and tell you if you are pregnant or not!

This turned into a little vent, but what the hell - it's my blog, right?

Personally, I think a woman should do one of the following in the aspect of ttc:
A. Try to conceive with all the tools available to them and obsess about everything and anything.
B. Pick the tools that are most valuable and rely on them to give them all the information they'll want to know during their cycle.
C. At the very least, determine ovulation and let the rest of the cycle go.
D. If you have been trying for awhile or already know of an IF issue you have, continue to try to resolve the issue with a reputable RE.
E. Don't try, but don't prevent. But DON'T go and obsess to everyone around you about the information your don't know, but could of had if you did more.
F. Take a real break and stop ttc, knowing that ttc will still be in the future.
G. Honestly stop ttc and pursue your life in the way you need to (adopt, live child free, etc) but don't take birth control so a miracle is still a possibility.
H. Honestly stop ttc and pursue your life in the way you need to (adopt, live child free, etc) and take some sort of birth control, so ttc is really and completely something in the past.

Yup. Those are my ideas of what all the possibilities should be. Heh. (Like I'm an expert or something!) And I will say that right now, I'm a B. I've been an A before and I would like to be a C, but I'm okay being a B now.

Friday, November 2, 2007

Surgery was successful.

At least so far.

The doctor talked to me afterwards and told me he thought it was very successful. Of course, we won't know for sure until after healing, but he did say he had high hopes.

He did end up inserting a balloon into the uterine cavity to hold open the uterine walls while healing. During the healing with my last surgery in July, my lining wasn't thick enough to protect the walls from sticking together, which probably caused a lot of the scarring I had today. The balloon will stay in for at least a week, which is much less time that I had thought.

Funny story about the balloon. Doc was giving me all the details about it - like how it will cause more cramping than I would of had if I didn't have it and how long I would have it in, etc. Well, then he goes into the aspect of how the end of it has a possibility of coming out and if it does, to just go ahead and stick the end back in myself. He kept talking about it and I was all "don't worry! I've had a lot of experience with things like tampons and I think I'll be able to take care of it." He laughs and says that the reason he wants to make this point clear is he had a patient, who upon seeing the end of it poking out of her, called 911. She apparently told the 911 operator that she was "deflating". They ended up paging the doctor for advice while they were en route and the paramedics had a good laugh once they figured out what was going on. Heh. She thought she was deflating.

Anywho - thanks for any kind thoughts/vibes/wishes you all sent out to me when I asked. I really appreciate it! And with a little luck, maybe this 3rd surgery ~was~ the charm.