Today is way harder than yesterday was. My heart is having a hard time not being in the game right now. Nothing in my understanding has changed since yesterday, but it's harder for some reason.
I saw 3 bfp announcements from my 'IF Favorites' list today. While it's so exciting for them to have caught the brass ring and for them to be able to get off the ttc ride, I'm still waiting in line to get on the fucking thing. I keep watching the ride go round and round - few people reaching far enough out to snag the ring, most just staying put when the ride ends - allowing the ride to spin them around again. It's heart wrenching enough to not get your turn, realizing all the seats are filled up. And while it's simply wonderful wonderful wonderful there are those few who succeed, it just makes my place in line feel even further away from their joy. And that sucks.
I'm sorry I'm such a ray of sunshine today. I'm sorry that other people's success puts me in such a horrible state. I wish is wasn't this way and I wish that while I ~am~ happy for them, I wish it didn't make me feel like this inside my own heart.
And I just grabbed the last kleenex out of my box here at work. Damn.
... Once (and still) Infertile, but still Schnarky as hell. This blog is dedicated to the daily ramblings from the mind of Nancy. It isn't about anything profound in the grand scheme of things, but it ~is~ about things in my life, schnarkiness always included. I have a second blog, listed in my profile, but the blogs will continue to remain separate.
"I'm aiming for heaven, but I'll probably wind up down in hell"
About Me
- nancy
- I am a 39 year old woman. I am the mother of two beautiful daughters and a handsome son. I am a career woman. As for my TTC world, it certainly doesn't seem like I am "infertile", but I fought for my pregnancies and my TTC/IF history is on the sidebar. I have two blogs, which are both listed in my profile. One focuses on my daily life - including IF, TTC, pregnancy, delivery and even some "children mentioned" posts. The second blog is ~soley~ posts directly about being the mother to my three children.
Belly Pics for #3 only.
Click stick figure to see the consecutive pictures from this pregnancy only.
My TTC History
- Jul 01 ~ married
- Jan 02 ~ First cycle off bcps and opk shows ovulation!
- Dec 02 ~ Went to pcp for RE referral
- Jan 03 ~ Testing commences. S/A perfect. HSG clear.
- Feb 03 ~ Lap #1. All clear.
- Apr 03 ~ Clomid cycle #1. BFN.
- May 03 ~ Clomid cycle #2. BFN.
- Jun 03 ~ Clomid cycle #3. BFN.
- Jul 03 ~ Supposed to be IUI#1, but we missed cd3 so natural cycle
- Aug 03 ~ BFP on C18.
- Apr 04 ~ Ella born.
- Oct 04 ~ decided to ttc #2 and went off minipill to see if I am ovulating. I am. Will start next month.
- Nov 04 ~ TTC#2 starts. BFP. Holy Crap. No freaking way. No way.
- Aug 05 ~ Allison born
- Oct 06 ~ IUD removed. TTC#3
- Jan 07 ~ Large cysts found.
- Feb 07 ~ Femara cyle #1
- Mar 07 ~ Started w/ RE. HSG #2 showed R tube blocked. S/A normal.
- Mar 07 ~ more cysts, up to 9cms.
- Apr 07 ~ more cysts, 3 @ 7-9cms.
- May 07 ~ IUI #1 cancelled due to more cysts
- Jun 07 ~ IUI #1 (take two) w/ Clomid. BFN.
- Jul 07 ~ HSS showed scar tissue in 70% of uterus. Diagnosed with Asherman's Syndrome. Uterine surgery #2
- Aug 07 ~ HSG #3 showed clear tubes.
- Aug 07 ~ IUI #2 w/ Femara. BFN.
- Sept 07 ~ Monitored w/ hCG trigger. BFN.
- Oct 07 ~ HSS #2 showed scar tissue in 30% of uterus. Uterine surgery #3.
- Dec 07 ~ HSS #3 showed tiny amount of scar tissue. Uterine surgery #4.
- Jan 08 ~ HSS #4 showed clear uterus.
- Jan 08 ~ IUI #3, C16. BFN.
- Mar 08 ~ IVF #1, Transfer Cancelled due to lining. Out of 15 eggs, 9 were mature and all 9 fertilized. I have named my 9 embryos "The Mod Squad" and they are in the freezer, waiting for mommy to be ready.
- Apr/May 08 ~ FET #1. C20. 4 embryos "The Fab Four" transferred on 5/05. BFP!!! Very Low Beta (15 at 11dp3dt) but the numers continued to double every 48 hours. Told it was "most likely not viable" and later "most likely ectopic" but we beat all the odds.
- May 16, 08 ~ 11dp3dt (4w0d), beta #1: 15
- May 19, 08 ~ 14dp3dt (4w3d), beta #2: 43
- May 23, 08 ~ 18dp3dt (5w0d), beta#3: 213
- May 27, 22dp3dt (5w4d), beta #4: 1,073
- Jun 08 - Ultrasound showed one heartbeat at 7 weeks.
- Jul 08 - Had CVS testing. Chromosomes are normal and it's a BOY!! EDD: 1/23
- Aug 08 - Jan 09 ~ High risk due to: 1) Velamentous Cord Insertion, deemed biggest risk 2) Previous Placenta Accreta 3) Previous rapid degraged placenta 4) IVF alone can create weak placenta 5) AMA - Advanced Maternal Age. -- All resulting in almost 30 u/s and lots of testing, which ended up saving my life.
- Jan 09 (38w0d) ~ Karl is born! -- Crazy 3 days in hospital. Manual version to flip baby from breech to head down, Labor, Delivery, Emergency surgery due to cord detaching from placenta, Scary heart issues from losing over 40% of my blood supply, and then a blood transfusion due to the extreme loss of blood. Whew!
Blog Archive
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2007
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November
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- Nurse Called.
- Surgery is scheduled
- Santa and Children (children obv mentioned)
- Took a day off.
- hard day.
- You all ~rule~.
- Unfair. UnFreakingFair.
- there's no shame in pooping.
- I can't sleep, i type extraordinarily long comment...
- 4th post today!
- 3 a day
- updated photos
- derby foot.
- Hey - Grammar police ...
- so sick.
- What is your rule for cd1?
- nothing.
- CRAMPS! (and diet update)
- boobies.
- grammar.
- Blogger Flame of Fortitude
- I have to get it done today.
- my uterus is confused. (diet and pictures too)
- healthcare. kinda.
- Blogtavism, My Story
- I've been deflated.
- Do you know how much I hate it?
- Thank you for all the well wishes!
- Ouch.
- Why would you give up? (updated)
- Surgery was successful.
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November
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13 comments:
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))
You don't have to apologize. Your pain is real. Their happiness is real. And neither negates the other.
I hope that better things are just around the corner for you!
Hey nancy..there is always rain before the rainbow. You'll get your turn...and you deserve it more than anyone! Just wanted to let ya know you are soo loved! :)
-MORGAN
Hi Nancy. I was just checking in on you...it has been awhile. Not sure if you even remember me from webmd. Anyway, just wanted to say I am so sorry to hear all that has been going on with you...it seems like pure hell. Though I can't relate on the ttc wagon, I can relate to feeling helpless about getting preggo...we just had our third miscarriage last month and all my friends around me are getting pregnant out of the blue (and not really wanting to be) :( We were not really "offically" trying, but it still sucks. Hang in there....you are such a trooper.
oh and by the ways...the girls are so precious!
Heather
(awaitingnangel)
I know how you are feeling today. not necessarily about ttc, but I definitely feel like I'm treading water right now.
We'll split a new box of Kleenex, or two...
sux sux sux!
Thats IT! I'm sending you a cape!
;-D
{{{{{hugs}}}}}
thanx for the facts on sperm life...sure hope you are right. i'm sending out positive thoughts and hoping tomorrow will be brighter for you.
I'm not having the rough time you're having, but the BFP's are definitely hard. I'm so very very happy that my blog friends are free of this, but so very scared that their positive means my negative. It's silly and selfish and I genuinely am happy for them, but it's hard. It's easier for me though as I'm in this right now, I'm sorry you're not in it and can't seem to get near it:-(
great metaphor. here's to hoping you are back on the ride soon!
So we'll just sit here in the puddle of mud and glare at everyone, ok? Maybe we can ping skittles at everyone who's on the ride right now. (sorry to everyone who is currently on the ride--it isn't you. it's me.)
Companionship and the wish that your hard times end soon are all I can offer right now. No rah-rah cheerleading. No bright shiny future around the corner. Just someone to hang around in the suckdom with for a while.
Running out of tissues is the PITS...Im so sorry you had such a tough day=(
Oh sweetie....((hugs))
I am so sorry. :-(
And you don't have to worry about being sunshine all the time. We all love you just the way you are.
And hopefully that line picks up quickly.
<3
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