Tuesday, November 27, 2007

hard day.

Today is way harder than yesterday was. My heart is having a hard time not being in the game right now. Nothing in my understanding has changed since yesterday, but it's harder for some reason.

I saw 3 bfp announcements from my 'IF Favorites' list today. While it's so exciting for them to have caught the brass ring and for them to be able to get off the ttc ride, I'm still waiting in line to get on the fucking thing. I keep watching the ride go round and round - few people reaching far enough out to snag the ring, most just staying put when the ride ends - allowing the ride to spin them around again. It's heart wrenching enough to not get your turn, realizing all the seats are filled up. And while it's simply wonderful wonderful wonderful there are those few who succeed, it just makes my place in line feel even further away from their joy. And that sucks.

I'm sorry I'm such a ray of sunshine today. I'm sorry that other people's success puts me in such a horrible state. I wish is wasn't this way and I wish that while I ~am~ happy for them, I wish it didn't make me feel like this inside my own heart.

And I just grabbed the last kleenex out of my box here at work. Damn.

13 comments:

jamie said...

(((((((((((hugs)))))))))

B said...

You don't have to apologize. Your pain is real. Their happiness is real. And neither negates the other.

I hope that better things are just around the corner for you!

Anonymous said...

Hey nancy..there is always rain before the rainbow. You'll get your turn...and you deserve it more than anyone! Just wanted to let ya know you are soo loved! :)
-MORGAN

Heather said...

Hi Nancy. I was just checking in on you...it has been awhile. Not sure if you even remember me from webmd. Anyway, just wanted to say I am so sorry to hear all that has been going on with you...it seems like pure hell. Though I can't relate on the ttc wagon, I can relate to feeling helpless about getting preggo...we just had our third miscarriage last month and all my friends around me are getting pregnant out of the blue (and not really wanting to be) :( We were not really "offically" trying, but it still sucks. Hang in there....you are such a trooper.
oh and by the ways...the girls are so precious!
Heather
(awaitingnangel)

jenn said...

I know how you are feeling today. not necessarily about ttc, but I definitely feel like I'm treading water right now.

We'll split a new box of Kleenex, or two...

BethH6703 said...

sux sux sux!

Thats IT! I'm sending you a cape!

;-D

{{{{{hugs}}}}}

hoping for a child said...

thanx for the facts on sperm life...sure hope you are right. i'm sending out positive thoughts and hoping tomorrow will be brighter for you.

chicklet said...

I'm not having the rough time you're having, but the BFP's are definitely hard. I'm so very very happy that my blog friends are free of this, but so very scared that their positive means my negative. It's silly and selfish and I genuinely am happy for them, but it's hard. It's easier for me though as I'm in this right now, I'm sorry you're not in it and can't seem to get near it:-(

WISHING...HOPING...and PRAYING said...

great metaphor. here's to hoping you are back on the ride soon!

Katarina Jelly Beana said...

So we'll just sit here in the puddle of mud and glare at everyone, ok? Maybe we can ping skittles at everyone who's on the ride right now. (sorry to everyone who is currently on the ride--it isn't you. it's me.)

Companionship and the wish that your hard times end soon are all I can offer right now. No rah-rah cheerleading. No bright shiny future around the corner. Just someone to hang around in the suckdom with for a while.

JJ said...

Running out of tissues is the PITS...Im so sorry you had such a tough day=(

KatieM said...

Oh sweetie....((hugs))

Amanda said...

I am so sorry. :-(

And you don't have to worry about being sunshine all the time. We all love you just the way you are.

And hopefully that line picks up quickly.

<3