Saturday, November 3, 2007

Why would you give up? (updated)

I read ~a lot~ of IF blogs out there and every now and again, I see women give up.

Some of these women, I can understand. These are women who have come to their end, be it for any personal reason. I can understand if someone has spent tens of thousands of dollars and just can't do it anymore. Or if someone finally realizes their bodies will not cooperate, no matter what is tried. Or maybe the reached their magical "too old" age. There could be many valid reasons I could definitely understand. And maybe them giving up is just giving up ~trying~. Maybe they'll put themselves on birth control so the possibility is out, because sometimes that's what it takes to move past it. Maybe they'll pursue adoption. Maybe they'll pursue a life without children. Maybe they'll pursue a life with the children they already have.

Then there are some women I don't understand.

And let me just say, just because I don't understand, it doesn't mean I don't respect their decision. What I am talking about it is extremely personal, of course. Just because I may not agree with their decisions, doesn't mean I don't think they should be allowed to make that decision for themselves. I think everyone needs to be supported in any decision they make, as long as the decision doesn't hurt themselves or others around them. This whole post is just me thinking about the confusion I have over some people's decisions. It's ~not~ because I don't respect their decision.

I see some women give up at really weird times. Like they've been trying to conceive for only a handful of months and they just decide it's not happening, so they are going to give up. Not because they want to put it off until later - maybe until they are older, have more money, are in a better place in the marriage, but they just quit "forever". Hrm. I've seen other women give up because of a medical problem, but it's a medical problem they are on the precipice of solving! For example, let's say a woman finally was diagnosed with an issue. And this issue is 98% treatable with medication, but it could be one in ten medications. She takes the first 2 medications and they fail, but she has 8 probable meds left. But instead of trying one of the last eight, she just says she's done. She's sick of failing so she quits. ARGH!! But she has 8 meds left!!! The probability of one of those meds working is like 78.4%.

I wonder why these women quit so "easily" while so many other women will do anything and everything they can to try to succeed. Is it that the survivors ~want~ it more? Are the survivors just tougher? Do you think the quitters are so afraid of possible REAL failure, that they don't want to come to that point? For example - the women who only has a 2% chance of her condition not being treatable - is she too afraid to get to that point? The point where she may find out it's not treatable and there is nothing more she can do? She only tried 2 times to correct it, but if these other 8 things don't work, she can stand to face the future of a body that failed her? What about the other women? The woman who just quit after a handful of times? Do you think ttc is so hard on some women, that they'd rather never have children so they don't have to have temporary heartache of failing? Or maybe it was they weren't ready for kids in the first place. Like I said, I don't get it.

By the way - I'm not talking about the temporary "I can't take this anymore" and someone takes a break. I know that I've contemplated just saying "fuck it" and putting my IUD back in and forgetting the whole thing, but I knew that wouldn't actually quit. Just thinking about it sometimes helps me see that it's not what I want to do.

I'm also not talking about the women who say they are going to stop ~trying~ by they aren't going to prevent. While sometimes this is a wonderful thing to be able to let the obsessions go, I rarely see it happen. They still obsess about things and usually, it's worse because since they are trying to quit trying, they have no fucking idea where they are in their cycle! I will admit that these women grate on my nerves. They make big announcements that they are going to let it all go - that they are going to not try anymore - that they are going to let the cards lay as they fall. But they whine about it the most because they now have very little knowledge of what is going on, yet they still want to outcome we all want. Or they decide halfway that they DO want to know what's going on, but it's too late in their cycle to get a hold onto something concrete. No, I can't look at two temps from cd23-26 and tell you if you are pregnant or not!

This turned into a little vent, but what the hell - it's my blog, right?

Personally, I think a woman should do one of the following in the aspect of ttc:
A. Try to conceive with all the tools available to them and obsess about everything and anything.
B. Pick the tools that are most valuable and rely on them to give them all the information they'll want to know during their cycle.
C. At the very least, determine ovulation and let the rest of the cycle go.
D. If you have been trying for awhile or already know of an IF issue you have, continue to try to resolve the issue with a reputable RE.
E. Don't try, but don't prevent. But DON'T go and obsess to everyone around you about the information your don't know, but could of had if you did more.
F. Take a real break and stop ttc, knowing that ttc will still be in the future.
G. Honestly stop ttc and pursue your life in the way you need to (adopt, live child free, etc) but don't take birth control so a miracle is still a possibility.
H. Honestly stop ttc and pursue your life in the way you need to (adopt, live child free, etc) and take some sort of birth control, so ttc is really and completely something in the past.

Yup. Those are my ideas of what all the possibilities should be. Heh. (Like I'm an expert or something!) And I will say that right now, I'm a B. I've been an A before and I would like to be a C, but I'm okay being a B now.


Anonymous said...

I'm not sure why others quit but I think just because someone said they were going to quit doesn't always mean they will.
I remember a few months ago when you said "i'm done" yourself and here you are back in the game.
I think when someone says they will quit they are just too frustrated at that moment. Once hope is restored the TTC is back on.

nancy said...

Nope. I never EVER said I was done. I said I was taking a break from the boards until I was back in the game, but I NEVER took myself out of the game. I never EVER quit.

But those temporary quits aren't those I'm talking about. I'm talking about the bonefide quitters.

jennifercarol said...

A very thought provoking post, Nancy. I too admit that sometimes I can't understand why a person gives up, especially early on in IF treatments. If its a financial issue that is understandable. But why not come up with a game plan for reaching the goal rather than quitting all together. Of course a lot of times its that they can't take the emotional roller coaster...and perhaps if somebody can't handle that after a couple cycles then there is no way they could make it years like many women do.

What impresses me are the women who get pick themselves up cycle after cycle and press on. It doesn't mean that they don't want to give up at times. It doesn't mean that they don't ever take a break. But to have the courage to keep going often in very daunting circumstances is what amazes me.

Ooops...sorry to be long winded...your probably sleeping now.

Kim said...

I think it's easy to want to quit, and it's the variables in place that are the deciding factor.

For example, someone with a large savings reserve, an involved husband, large supportive family, incredible job, etc. could be diagnosed with Cancer. Those things will either help along the way or keep them strong. They'll fight. They'll only have to worry about beating it, and everything else will fall into place.

But someone who's working three jobs to support their family as a single parent, has no savings to their name, no support system in place, etc. can be diagnosed with the same Cancer and it could be a hell of a lot harder to fight. Their family won't get fed just because they're sick. They'll probably lose their minimum jobs. They'll probably lose their home, go into debt, spend a lot of time in the hospital alone, etc. It would be a LOT more difficult for them to fight.

So my point is, sometimes it's easy to want to give up when everything seems stacked against you. Like everything in life, not everyone has the support that one would need to stay strong. So they depend on themselves, but that only gets them so far. If no one is around to pick up the pieces, the task can be overwhelming to do even once for those people. Everyone has a breaking point, and it's not the same for any two people... there are so many variables involved, and so many issues that people DON'T touch upon in their blogs, like finances and who they have supporting them or marital issues. There could be a lot going on behind closed doors, so even though blogs are like a book, they're not... there's still missing pieces, so you never know what the real reason is.

nancy said...

Kim - I actually didn't think of that. The fact that the reasons I read in a blog, may not be the "real" reason. I read blogs and see so much personal information put in them, I just assume that they don't leave anything out.

And while I understand / agree / support why many people ~do~ quit, I have to remember that the ones I don't agree / understand, there just may be way more reason to it.

(although again, I do respect anyone's wish to make whatever choices they want to make!)

Anonymous said...

I think when you have kids it's easy to wonder. I don't understand it either but Kim had a great point. Just because you lay it all on the table doesn't mean everyone else does.

Another thing I don't understand, TTC without actually TTC. Meaning saying you're trying but not temping, charting, OPKing, or even BDing more than twice a month. I know a couple who has been "TTCing", as they like to call it, for over a year. It is frustrating to me because we are close and I really wish she would put my knowlegde to use! I just avoid the subject because when I get going on TTC there's no stopping me LOL! And she's not too appreciative about that. Somehow they lucked out though. Lucky them.

But, what can we do? To each their own...

Anonymous said...

Juxtaposition... my partner doesn't understand why people DON'T quit. When she was TTC, she said "I'll try six times, and if it doesn't work it wasn't meant to be." She figured that was a good way to cap the uncertainty, stress, and expense of TTC with DIUI. I wonder sometimes if she hadn't been successful on tries one (m/c) and four (our daughter) if she would have gone further. I bet not. It's just who she is.

Even though I'm on indefinite hiatus, I know I'm not done. And that I don't like the idea of "Six and Done." It's too few for my comfort level and adds too much stress to the equation.

That said, I understand why people set limits for themselves. Telling yourself that the uncertainty and stress will end someday (with or without 'success') has got to be somewhat freeing.

On a separate note, I get really burnt out with some people's 'quitting' which still carries the possibility of pregnancy. Don't they just end up fueling TTC stereotypes like, "As soon as you stop trying, it will happen."

(I think I'm just jealous of people who CAN get pregnant without a trip to the RE and/or a FedEx delivery. My own issues...)

nancy said...

B - I do think having a cap is a smart thing too, something I've blogged about myself. The fact that I do have an "ending" point is something that I feel good about having. Not that I want to make it there, but that I won't be trying without any 'end' in sight. I still don't get how anyone can stop with knowing they didn't do everything possible. Although, of course, still their choice.

AZMom said...

Many don't necessarily give up so much as realize that having a bio child is just not what they are meant to do. We tried to conceive for over 2 years and then had 2 miscarriages. After medical test after test, we decided to adopt our children and it's been the best decision we ever made.

I wish you luck with conceiving your next child. I remember those heart breaking days but I have gotten past it and moved on and have 2 beautiful children to thank for it.