Do you know how much I hate it?

Do you know how much I hate not having any ttc updates for myself? I don't get to say where I am in my cycle. I don't get to say why symptom x isn't worth obsessing about. I don't get to say why symptom y is worth obsessing about. I don't get to take a magical fertility drug. I don't get to trigger. I don't get to have early morning appointments with the condomed wand. I don't get to poas. I don't get to have early morning conversations with my fertility monitor while trying to wash my face as it figures out it's next instruction.

I'm just kinda stuck.

I do get to read where all of you are in your cycles. I get to say why I think symptom c isn't worth obsessing about, but symptom y is. I get to read about your drug intake or your new protocol. I get to read about you moving forward. I get to read about triggers. I get to read about follie reports. I get to read about BFPs and BFNs and give appropriate responses. I get to read about u/s appointments and heartbeats and pants that don't fit anymore. With this though, I also get to read about tragedy. Tragedies that make this whole thing suck so much more for some. Tragedies that make my heart physically hurt for some of you. But the bad comes with the good, so it's expected - just unwanted. The point is I get to read it all from you and I'm jealous. Yes, I'm jealous of it all. Jealous of everyone who gets to do something.

So I sit and update my chart. "birth control pills". This week was a little more exciting with the "surgery", "spotting", "estrogen", "antibiotics" & "abstaining" checkboxes being utilized, but that's about it in the excitement category.

Sure - the surgery is a step forward. But in the midst of it, it's no fun. I would rather have back to back to back cycles and treatments. I would rather move forward in a way where I can see results, even if they are just failed IUIs. But I want to be doing ~something~.

Did you know that since May 8th, I've had only ~3~ cycles I got to TRY on? That's 3 tries in 6 months. And yes, I know there are others out there who have it worse. Maybe they are having annovulatory after annovulatory cycles. But I'm not saying I have it worse off. Just that this, in itself, sucks too. I'm 35 years old. I have something like 8-9 more cycles left to try and that's it. I can't put in 2 cycles for every 1 chance. I just can't. At least now I know I can't let my body try on it's own. I can't risk a cyst and a month of birth control pills again. We're going triggered cycles at the very least, IUIs and IVFs until the timer buzzes.

On friday I get my balloon out (boooo! They said it was supposed to be tues!) and I hope to get a rough timeframe of how long I'll be out of the game. Because as SOON as I'm given the nod, I'm off the bench for a very long time. No time outs here. Game ON.