Monday, November 5, 2007

Do you know how much I hate it?

Do you know how much I hate not having any ttc updates for myself? I don't get to say where I am in my cycle. I don't get to say why symptom x isn't worth obsessing about. I don't get to say why symptom y is worth obsessing about. I don't get to take a magical fertility drug. I don't get to trigger. I don't get to have early morning appointments with the condomed wand. I don't get to poas. I don't get to have early morning conversations with my fertility monitor while trying to wash my face as it figures out it's next instruction.

I'm just kinda stuck.

I do get to read where all of you are in your cycles. I get to say why I think symptom c isn't worth obsessing about, but symptom y is. I get to read about your drug intake or your new protocol. I get to read about you moving forward. I get to read about triggers. I get to read about follie reports. I get to read about BFPs and BFNs and give appropriate responses. I get to read about u/s appointments and heartbeats and pants that don't fit anymore. With this though, I also get to read about tragedy. Tragedies that make this whole thing suck so much more for some. Tragedies that make my heart physically hurt for some of you. But the bad comes with the good, so it's expected - just unwanted. The point is I get to read it all from you and I'm jealous. Yes, I'm jealous of it all. Jealous of everyone who gets to do something.

So I sit and update my chart. "birth control pills". This week was a little more exciting with the "surgery", "spotting", "estrogen", "antibiotics" & "abstaining" checkboxes being utilized, but that's about it in the excitement category.

Sure - the surgery is a step forward. But in the midst of it, it's no fun. I would rather have back to back to back cycles and treatments. I would rather move forward in a way where I can see results, even if they are just failed IUIs. But I want to be doing ~something~.

Did you know that since May 8th, I've had only ~3~ cycles I got to TRY on? That's 3 tries in 6 months. And yes, I know there are others out there who have it worse. Maybe they are having annovulatory after annovulatory cycles. But I'm not saying I have it worse off. Just that this, in itself, sucks too. I'm 35 years old. I have something like 8-9 more cycles left to try and that's it. I can't put in 2 cycles for every 1 chance. I just can't. At least now I know I can't let my body try on it's own. I can't risk a cyst and a month of birth control pills again. We're going triggered cycles at the very least, IUIs and IVFs until the timer buzzes.

On friday I get my balloon out (boooo! They said it was supposed to be tues!) and I hope to get a rough timeframe of how long I'll be out of the game. Because as SOON as I'm given the nod, I'm off the bench for a very long time. No time outs here. Game ON.


jenn said...

big hugs aren't enough- but they're all I've got for you right now. I wish you didn't have to be out of the game at all, much less over & over. It does just plain old suck. I do hope once this time out is over that you never have to sit the bench again, unless it's due to high sticking bfp's. okay- that was way too dorky- but you know what I mean! ;o)

I'm thinking about you Nancy, & hoping that the doc takes out that balloon & says that everything looks so perfect in your shiny new uterus that you are cleared in t-minus 2 weeks (just throwing out a number here). I also hope that said shiny new uterus means that the 8-9 chances left are not all needed.

KatieM said...

I'm sorry for your stuck position...believe me, although I didn't have surgery, I understand the feeling. Just waiting for nothing in particular. I can't say I'm waiting for O, and hell I can't technically say I'm waiting for AF either. It sucks, and it sucks royally. Sometimes I even forget how far along I am *supposed* to be...maybe that makes it easier, I dunno. Maybe I am waiting for my next appt, but even then it's not an appt with an RE for u/s's, b/w or an IUI, which is what I would much rather be *waiting* for right now. Ok, sorry this turned into bit of a ramble on my part, I just wanted to let you know I understand the suckiness of it all. Hang in there hun, we will all make it through (successfully) eventually!

AZMom said...

Good luck to you as you heal up. I hope you can get back in the game soon.

We used to live in CO so it was fun looking at your photos. We lived in Highlands Ranch for 12 years before moving to AZ.

soapchick said...

Hi Nancy - just checking in. I hadn't been on your blog in a couple of weeks. Glad to read that your surgery went well and you are hopefully soon to be back in the game!

Anonymous said...

Nancy, This sucks for you. I know. But don't be jealous of us! Want to know the truth? I am jealous of you. Yep I said, of you.
I know this must be driving you crazy that you aren't able to go into "TTC MODE"...I bet it feels like a disruption in your are used to doing all of those things you mentioned (poas, Trigger..etc) and when you have to hold off on it, it probably feels like a change..a change you dont wanna deal with. You want to be the Nancy you know that wakes up every morning doing the things you are used to doing. But right now, you probably dont feel like Nancy.
I just hope ya know you are definatly in my thoughts and prayers, and everything IS going to be okay. Everything will be.

BethH6703 said...

Being stuck does suck. The whole freakin process sucks... Everything between throwing away the BC (the first time) and getting a BFP SUCKS! (Unless of course you're one of the "other" 87.5% of the population. For us 12.5-ers, it all sucks. SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS.)

I am sorry that you're stuck in an especially sucky spot. Hoping that the balloon removal goes well, and you're off the bench ASAFP.

chicklet said...

That would drive me crazy. Being stuck no matter what sucks, but this many times, fuck.

Good luck getting off the bench. Hopefully you get to stay off it.