Monday, November 26, 2007

Unfair. UnFreakingFair.

HSS was this morning. While the uterus "looked great", he followed up with a "but...".

~ Previous to both surgeries, my uterus was 50%+ sealed shut with scar tissue.

~ After surgery #1, 20-30% was still covered in scar tissue.

~ After surgery #2 (the most recent), I have "a thin webbing" of scar tissue right in the freaking middle of my uterus. Both sides look great, but the webbing isn't good. RE said I could still get pregnant, but if the egg implanted anywhere near the webbing, I'll most likely miscarry.

Here are my options:
1) Do nothing. See if I get pregnant. If I get pregnant, cross my fingers I don't miscarry.
2) Get surgery #3. He said it would be the most minor or surgeries, requiring only a "snip" of the scissors to cut the webbing apart. I asked about the balloon, he said most likely I won't need it, but if it's thicker than he can see via ultrasound, it will be necessary.
3) Do nothing for now, but get it later. He said he would ~not~ perform IVF with the webbing present and he would require the surgery if I go that route. Damn, this point is the one that really shows me #1 isn't an option if I want to get pregnant again.

How fair is this? ~Another~ surgery? THREE? Three in 4 months. This is not cool. Not cool at all.

I guess the only "good" thing about it is I wouldn't miss too much time. I would have to go on bcps right now to chill out the follies I have present right now (I've got 2 on the left - today is cd11). They'll be calling me with the nearest surgery date, so hopefully it'll be soon. Then, I'll have to take the obligitory 3-4 weeks of estrogen and then allow the bleed to happen and THEN I'll be able to do a treatment cycle. So, if I can get surgery scheduled within the next two weeks, I'll be able to do a femara/IUI cycle in January.

I want to cry, but I'm numb about it. Actually, I'm pissed off about it. This is C14 and I've had what? 3 cycles I was able to trigger ovulation to avoid cysts? And two of those were presurgical, so those were most likely out, as I had a very faulty oven. One of those was post #1 surgery, but I still was 20-30% faulty. My goodness. Can a girl just get a fucking ~chance~??? Any idea how aggravating it is to not be able to have a chance? I'm not even giving a chance to fail. I've been in a holding pattern for over a year. And I used to think TAB for one cycle was hard. Try 14 cycles.

24 comments:

Kaci said...

I was just catching up and caught this - I am really really sorry. I know words don't help much, but I hate this. No one should have to go through this.

Jewels said...

I'm so sorry, I have no words. ~Hugs~

BethH6703 said...

I'm so sorry Nancy. That SUX, no way around it.

{{{{{hugs}}}}}

JJ said...

Im so sorry Nancy...what a tough spot. I wish I had the magic answer...thinking of you!

Momma said...

HUGS Nancy so sorry!!!

Shayna said...

Or 34 cycles. Or is it 35? I dunno, I lost count.


So sorry you have to wait again. That blows. It sounds like they'd treat it as a surgery for a septate uterus, only a little easier I'd imagine.


I hope all goes well if you do have to have surgery. Hopefully it'll be your very last one.

KatieM said...

Shit hun, my heart sank when I heard that this morning. I know you don't want to have another surgery...hell, who does right? but at least if they can get it soon you can hang out with me until Jan. and we can do our medicated cycles together! I still wish you could just move on though! Call me if ya get a chance (and/or want to) ;)

Luv ya!
((hugs))

Anonymous said...

Hey Nancy, you don't have to post this..it's just my opinion, even thought in the end nothing matters except what you want to do(i hope the grammer police isn't reading, i get so confused with except and accept,lol)
I think you should get the surgery done and over with! I know I know, easier said than done.
As far as option 1, WHAT IF you do miscarry...will you spend the rest of your life regreting not getting the surgery sooner or beforehand? There is always the inevitable "WHAT IF". I just think if you get it done, get it over with, then you can take a deep breath and be done with all the sugeries. You definatly don't want to walk around with more weight on your shoulders knowing in the back of your mind you still have to get that last surgery in. You are a tough women Nancy, the toughest I've ever known and heck I haven't even met ya....you can get through this! I have faith in you! :)

Meredith said...

I'm sorry to hear this Nancy - it totally sucks. But like anon said you are one tough woman and will get thru this. January is just around the corner. ((hugs))

Anonymous said...

Sorry Nancy,
Good luck with whatever decision you choose. I guess your baby still isn't ready for you yet...

nancy said...

Shayna - I actually thought of you when I started this. I wish you would have been able to be diagnosed after that first year. Luckily (and totally UNluckily) for your heart, you didn't know about not having a chance for those first 24~ish cycles. I'm NOT discounting that it IS worse for you - you've been trying longer with no chances, I know. I can't imagine how disappointing it must be for you right now. I've only had 14 cycles of no chances, 20+ less than you!

But you know how much MORE it hurts your heart when you KNOW the issue, try to fix it and it fails? How much worse has the past 3 cycles been for you? Pretty bad, right? That's how it's been for me for the last 6 months. The disappointment is tremendous. The WORST is when I find it failed and instead of getting to try something new as soon as my cycle starts, I have to go on bcps, wait for surgery, get surgery, take drugs to recover for 3-4 weeks, then when the new cycle finally gets here, I get to find out if it was a success or not. If it was, I have another month of TAB, if it wasn't, I have to repeat it all again.

Thank goodness my RE caught this and I wasn't still trying on my own, thinking everything was okay. Same with you - I'm so glad they figured out what your issue was and you are going through the steps it takes. 150mg failed for you, which sucks so bad. But maybe Femara will work (my RE says it can stimulate woman who have no reaction to clomid). Maybe more clomid will work. Maybe you'll hve to go to injectibles and that will work. Bottom line is we ~both~ have a plan to move forward. I really wish you didn't have to wait a whole 2 years to start on your plan, but at least it's here now, right? And I have a plan too. Hopefully this next surgery will do the trick for me. Again, I'm SO sorry you've had to go through 35 cycles without a chance - it's got to be so much worse than how I'm feeling right now.

jennifercarol said...

That is horrible news. I'm just so sorry.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry Nancy. You are one of the worlds strongest women. You have been through so much. I can't believe that yet again, you have to have surgery. I really hope everything goes well. You are always in my thoughts!

-Lauren (L_Chelle)

jenn said...

this just sucks. really & truly fucking sucks.

I'm so sorry & I wish there was some way to hit fast forward to get you going again with a perfect oven & no more heartache(break).

giant hugs for you.

hoping for a child said...

thanx for your support...my one of two readers. i'm keeping my fingers crossed for you as well. you have gone for second and third opinions i assume...twice i was told i needed surgery when i didn't. i don't have a lot of faith in doctors. one told me i was bound to have a tubular pregnancy and now i can't get that fear out of my head.

soapchick said...

Nancy - don't give up, persistence will pay off. You are very strong and like you said - this one will require very little downtime. My thoughts are with you.

Road Blocks and Roller Coasters said...

I'm just seeing this today. Nancy, I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. The whole situation sucks.

Good luck with deciding on what you're going to do next. I know it's difficult, but you will do the right thing, of that I am sure. HUGS!

chicklet said...

Holy god, how the hell? That is just so freakin crazy unfair!

I'm so sorry you're going through this. This jsut plain sucks.

WISHING...HOPING...and PRAYING said...

although the journey is often difficult...think of the outcome! good luck with your final (hopefully) surgery!

Shayna said...

OMGsh, no, I wasn't discounting your journey at all, it was meant more of agreeing with you in saying that trying with ~no~ chance for that long totally sucks and we're both examples of it.

I didn't mean to make that sound like I have it worse off, because that's like comparing apples to oranges. I can't imagine knowing what's wrong and not how to fix it or knowing I'd have to have another surgery. That is something no one should ever have to feel.

I just wanted you to know that someone ~still~ cares about you and is on almost the same path as you, so you don't have to feel alone. I'm still pulling for you and I hope this will be your absolute last surgery ever....unless you have to have a c-section of course, hehe.

nancy said...

lol. And I didn't mean to make it sound like that was what you were saying either. We are so worried any tiptoeing around one another - we have exchanges like this. :) My comment was to make sure you knew I knew that you've been at it longer and i wasn't dicounting you! :)

Our family is complete said...

I am so sorry Nancy. That really sucks. I know no words can help right now. Just know that you are in my thoughts and prayers and I hope things turn around for you.

Amy

Monica said...

Oh, Nancy, that sooo sucks! I am truly sorry that you're going through all this crap.

Alice said...

Nancy -

I'm new to your blog (just came by way of Infertility Sucks!). I know you feel like you are wasting time - but it sounds like your doc is giving you good advice - he/she wants you to have the best chance possible for a successful pregnancy. I know, surgery sucks and you have been waiting and waiting and waiting. (Warning: assvice ahead): Try to let go of the expectations that this will happen at this time and that will happen at that time. It'll cause a lot less stress if you try to accept you don't have total control over this (I know, right! Sure! Easier said then done!). Anyway, try to take care of yourself.
--Ali