Sunday, June 29, 2008

I couldn't find the heartbeat.

(I did eventually find it, didn't want to make it a 'wait til the end' post to know all is okay).

Everyday starts out about the same with this pregnancy. Since I have absolutely ~NO~ symptoms what-so-ever, the only way I even know I'm pregnant is by the fact there is a heartbeat not my own in my belly.

This morning was no different, so I whip out the doppler for a quick listen. I blorp the gel on my tummy, put the stick on and then listen. Nope, not there. Move. Not there. Move. Not there. Ack.

This is the downside of the doppler - the freakout when you can't find the heartbeat. But, I must say, pales in comparison to the not knowing for 4 weeks if things are okay between each appointment.

Blorp. More gel. More moving. I hear my heartbeat quicken. I hear my heartbeat all over the place. Each time thinking for a nanosecond it's the baby's heartbeat and quickly telling it's not.

I start to think about how quickly this can happen. How quickly someone can lose their baby. They see the heartbeat at an appointment, they take their big sigh of relief and then 4 weeks later, nothing. Heartbeat instead of heartbeat. I can't bare to think of what these women go through. What my friends go through. The universe cracks and sucks in a life. Not just the baby's life, but the piece of the mother that dies along with her lost baby.

In my case, I was thinking I wasn't going to get that shock in the doctor's office, but right here on my couch. Where I heard a beating heart just the night before, emptiness now.

I won't pretend to know what a loss feels like. But I can tell you I know what the thought of a pending loss feels like. When they told me this baby was not viable and most likely ectopic, I felt the idea of a pending loss. And that's the feeling I had this morning. It was hard to find the heartbeat at 8 weeks, but by 9 weeks, I was finding it in a matter of seconds. So not finding it today scared me. It scared me bad.

Just as I started to reach my inner panic peak where the outer panic takes over, there it was. That little heartbeat beating 170bpm. My little girl let me know she was alright. (I have no doubt this baby is a girl.)

Another super cool thing about the doppler is hearing movement. As I was listening, I heard a thump and the hb promptly disappeared and I had to move my doppler angle to find it again. Yup, she's in there moving around like crazy and I got the hear it.

I have reached 10 weeks so I'm already 25% into this pregnancy. Although I want this little girl to grow, grow, grow so I can have a big tummy and eventually meet her, I keep in mind that this is the last time I'll feel this. So I want to take it one day at a time, enjoying ~today~ instead of waiting until tomorrow. I was SO WORRIED I would spend this pregnancy frightened. And while I don't take it for granted, as I know a lot can happen, I don't want to waste a single moment worrying about something that hasn't happened.

I've been on TTC/IF/Pregnancy boards for over 5 years now and I have seen a lot of tragedy. Failed cycles, adoptions falling through, decisions to live childfree, shocking abortions, divorce, death of spouse, miscarriage, stillbirth, newborn death. I think anyone blogging for a good amount of time has seen it too. And yes, all of that scares me. But I choose to live for the positive outcome. If the bad happens, I can't help that, but for today, I choose to embrace the life in my belly. I choose to embrace my family. I choose to assume the best for now.

I have seen so many IFers go through their entire pregnancy on their tiptoes. Afraid buying a onesie will jinx their entire pregnancy. Afraid to write their due date in the calendar. And while I don't fault any woman for their own coping mechanisms, I feel so sad for them. So sad that they fear so much instead of allowing themselves and their heart, to glow. It's all a personal journey, so it's not their fault for not being able to feel one way or another, but I just hope they'll find their happiness before it's all over and the baby is on the outside.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Still in shock.

You know, I can't believe this blog is ~my~ blog. I simply can't believe I'm here.

(keep reading. this isn't the post you think it is.)

Yeah, I tried pretty fucking hard to be here - 4 surgeries, 3 IUIs, 1 IVF and an FET. But still, this is my life? Whoa.

I can't tell you how many times I'd click through the pregnancy blogs (when I got the balls to do it) and pretty much muttered "bitches". Not that I really thought anyone was a bitch for being pregnant, it was just my general attitude of "why them and not me?". I'm sure anyone going through IF understands that and knows I'm not evil.

And here I am. I actually didn't think it'd be me. I thought we'd hit August and I'd write about a bajillion "woe is me" posts about having to give up.

The thing I like most about it, is my shock can be ~anyone's~ shock. Seriously. You. The IFer (with working parts) reading this. Without warning. Fuck, next month, in the next few months. By winter. This can and most likely will be you.

I honestly never thought I'd be here. And I bet you (the readers I'm talking about) don't think you'll ever be here. And while some of you unfortunately won't be, many will. And it's insane to think about. Just WHAMMO and you are suddenly changing your mind about the creepy baby widget and you are itching to put yours up, even though you told the world you absolutely, completely and utterly LOATHE them. (I still think they ~are~ creepy though.)

I know I'm sounding quite like the "hope" girl. And the "positive" girl. Which, of course, I also hate. The ones who are permanently looking towards the future. Usually, I'm more of a "fuck that. let me wallow in my own self pity. I deserve to hate everyone right now." And I ~am~ still like that - ie: when I read someone having a hard time and hating IF and hating pregnant girls and hating any new BFP announcement, I will respond with a simple ~hug~. I won't EVER say "don't give up! it happened to me!" - that would make me want to punch myself in the face.

But what I ~am~ saying is ... for as shocked as I am right now, I know so many of you will be shocked too when it happens to you. I wish I had a crystal ball to tell everyone WHEN it will happen. I also wish I knew when it just isn't in the cards so instead of riding this fucking lame ass roller coaster, you can just get off, get on the teacups and begin the healing (even though the teacups will still make your stomach turn).

So I'll just wait. Wait until I can revel in someone else's shock. Damn, I just wish I knew when. I wish ~you~ knew when.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

It's "Let's Admit it Thursday"

My question for you today is ...

"What is the craziest / most stupid / silly / or just plain out there thing you have done in hopes to get pregnant?"

There is a lot of old wives tales out there. And a lot of assvice. And ideas that may even work. So tell me - what tops ~your~ list?

Feel free to answer anonymously if it's too embarrassing!

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Do you know ~that~ person?

You know, that person who will always either one-up you or contradict ANYTHING you ever say?

Like if you say you love your new car, they say something like "I had that car and loved it too, until I traded in for a better model".


You say how you are bored with your current job and they say they have the same job and go on and on and on and on about how much they love it and all the fun things they do with it?

It's really irritating. Really.

I wonder if people like this act this way to EVERYONE or just one person? It would be way more annoying to find out you were the only person they acted like this too, but if that was the case, I could just determine this person was simply jealous of you. Less annoying if they were like this to everyone because you could just say this person is simply a bitch.

Any which way you cut it, still irritating.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Bleeding with PIO?

Jesus. I am bleeding with ~every~ injection now.

At the beginning, none of my injections bleed. Then, a few random ones. Now, as I'm heading into week 10, I'm bleeding with every injection (as soon as I pull the needle out - whoosh. And I'm not talking a few drips. I'm talking shooting out blood. Out of control. One of my supplies is now a folded up paper towel to stick in my pants to soak it all up.

Does this happen to anyone else? Can anything be done?

~update~ ... Yes, I do pull back on the plunger to make sure I haven't hit an artery.

And chicklet, I'll never be tired of home depot jokes. Not ever.

all is well...

No blog from me in 2 whole days? You know I'm a chatterbox, so thought I'd give word that all is well and I'm just busy. I'll update with my ramblings tomorrow!

Sunday, June 22, 2008

I need to vent.

I am quite frequently flabbergasted at how little women know about getting pregnant. I understand that unless you have gone through infertility, many of the ins and outs just simply aren't talked about, but the basics? Come on.

It's ~so hard~ to read some of the posts on the first trimester boards. The information I see being given is sometimes so incredibly wrong. First of all, every other post is from someone saying "I'm bleeding and I took a pregnancy test and it's negative, could I be pregnant?". I simply leave those alone because I want to scream "No you fucking moron!", but instead, I stay silent. But then I see SO MANY women give these responses just full of false hope. 20 year old girls saying "I tested negative for weeks after my period was due, so keep testing until you get a positive!". Oh please. You ovulated late. Tests do not show negative when you really are positive. There are late implantations, like myself, but after hcg is in your system, a test will show positive.

Yeah, yeah, I've heard all the "well, my friend knew when she ovulated and still tested negative for months!". No she didn't. It's freaking impossible. Maybe they had ~one~ bad test, but testing like that for weeks or even months? Na-uh. It doesn't happen. They must have just been off with their ovulation. Or they had an annovulatory month and didn't get a period, then ovulated and got pregnant - so it just seemed they were that late. It just simply does not happen. Period.

Have you missed me?

Now that I am using google reader, I have been using that list as my blog reading list. I have ~everyone~ who commented to me added now, as I just added everyone who added their blogs to my initial post after June 15th.

What worries me is if you didn't add your blog to my list, I'm now suddenly missing your blog!

If I have commented on your blog in the past and I haven't commented in the last week, please add your blog to the comments of this post!

I used to maintain a bajillion blogs in my "favorites" folder and now I'm solely using google reader. I did add some of the blogs I remembered on the top of my head that didn't respond to me, but I know I'm missing some. I could simply go through all the blogs in my favorites and add them, but I have a lot of blogs there. And I maybe I'm being a little snooty here, but I don't want to do that because there were a lot of blogs in my list that I read, but who never commented on my blog. And while I don't need everyone whom I read to be avid readers of my blog, I simply don't want it to be completely one sided. Is that lame of me?

Anywho - if you leave your blog here if you haven't already, I promise I will be reading!! So please, leave a comment so I can do that.

(reminder: some of the comments I received were from invite only blogs, which I obviously couldn't get to. And if your blog isn't listed in your profile, you need to leave me the URL. Thanks!)

Have I mentioned how I love all nighters?

I'm 35 years old. Not 22. I could pull all nighters at 22. I cannot pull them at 35.

I started at 9pm and worked until midnight. Had a 1 hour break and worked from 1-2am. Then a 3 hour break, but being 'on call'. So I slept on the floor in my cube. Not on the floor really, I brought in a mat and a blanket and pillow, but it wasn't the Shangri-La.

It's 5:40am now and I'm hoping to be out of here in 2 hours. Maybe I'll simply pass out and they'll have no choice but to send me home.

Wait. I'm the only one working in town. My entire team is in Boston. No one will see me sprawled out on the floor.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Saturday Scattergories and "what I have done"

Well, I'm finally going to play Calliope's game of scattergories. Go ahead and join in yourself!

Use the first letter of your Mother’s name (first or middle) to answer each of the following.

1. What is your Mother’s name?
--> Carole.
2. Something you would find in the freezer section?
--> Cuisine. As in Lean.
3. A beverage enjoyed in the summer?
--> Cool-aid. Okay, that doesn't count. Cold beer? I don't know the rules of scattergories. Can I use adjectives? Cosmopolitan.
4. A word to describe your butt?
--> cavernous. lol. Okay, that was a joke. My ass is not cavernous. How about celestial?
5. Something you would find in your garden?
--> Carrots. Corn. Celery. Cucumbers. But honestly, if it was ~my~ garden, the word would be "crap", since I suck at things that need daily upkeep!
6. Something a cat would drag in?
--> crack whores. Cause, you know, my cat is always out looking for crack whores. Maybe a better answer would be caterpillar.
7. A favorite book title?
--> "Come As You Are - The Story of Nirvana"
8. A fancy entree at your favorite restaurant?
--> Crudite.
9. Something that is on your amazon wish list?
--> CDs.
10. Something you have hidden under your bed?
--> Clothes.


Another stolen meme, this time from Miss IO of "Who's Shot My Stork?".

I've done the ones in bold:

Bought everyone in the bar a drink
Swam with wild dolphin
Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
Been inside a Pyramid
Held a tarantula
Taken a candle lit bath
Said I love you and meant it
Hugged a Tree

Bungee jumped
Visited Paris
Watched a lightening storm at sea
Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
Seen the Northern Lights
Gone to a huge sports game
Walked the stairs to the top of the Leaning Tower of Pisa
Grown and eaten your own vegetables
Touched an iceberg
Slept under the stars
Changed a baby’s diaper

Taken a drip in a hot air balloon
Watched a meteor shower
Gotten drunk on champagne

Given more than you can afford to charity
Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
Had a food fight

Bet on a winning horse
Asked out a stranger
Had a snowball fight
Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
Held a lamb
Seen a total eclipse
Ridden a rollercoaster

Hit a home run
Danced like a fool, not caring who watched
Adopted an accent for an entire day
Actually felt happy about your life, even for a moment
Had two hard drives for your computer

Visited all 50 states
Taken care of someone who was too drunk
Had amazing Friends
Danced with a Stranger in a foreign country

Watched wild whales
Stolen a sign
Hitchhiked in Europe
Taken a road-trip
Gone rock climbing
Midnight walk on the beach
Gone sky diving

Visited Ireland
Been heartbroken longer than you were in love
In a restaurant sat at a stranger’s table and ate with them
Visited Japan
Milked a cow
Alphabetized your CDs
Pretended to be a superhero
Sung karaoke
Lounged around in bed all day
Posed nude in front of strangers

Gone scuba diving
Kissed in the rain
Played in the mud
Played in the rain
Gone to a drive-in theater
Visited the Great Wall of China
Started a business
Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
Toured ancient sites
Taken a martial arts class

Played a computer game for more than 6 hours straight
Gotten married
Been in a movie
Crashed a party
Gotten divorced
Gone without food for 5 days
Made cookies from scratch
Won first prize in a costume contest
(I was a playboy bunny!)
Ridden a gondola in Venice
Gotten a tattoo
Rafted the Snake River
Been on television news program as an “expert”
Got flowers for no reason
Performed on a stage
Been to Las Vegas
Recorded Music
Eaten shark
Had a one-night stand
Gone to Thailand
Bought a house
Been in a combat zone
Buried one/both of your parents
Been on a cruise ship
Spoken more than one language fluently
Performed in Rocky Horror
Raised children
Followed your favorite band/singer on tour

Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
Picked up and moved to another city
Walked on the Golden Gate Bridge
Sang loudly in the car and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
Had plastic surgery
Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have

Wrote articles for a large publication
Lost over 100 lbs
Held someone while they were having a flashback
Piloted an airplane
Petted a stingray
Broken someone’s heart
Helped an animal give birth
Won money on a TV game show
Broken a bone
Gone on an African safari
Had a body part below the neck pierced
Fired a rifle, shotgun or pistol
Eaten mushrooms gathered in the wild
Ridden a horse
Had major surgery
Had a snake as a pet
Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
Slept for more than 30 hours over 48 consecutive hours
Visited more foreign countries than US States
Visited all 7 continents
Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
Eaten Kangaroo meat
Eaten sushi

Had your picture in the paper
Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
Gone back to school
Petted a cockroach
Eaten fried green tomatoes
Read the Illiad
Selected one important author who you missed school to read
Killed and prepared an animal for eating
Skipped all of your school reunions
Communicated with someone without sharing a common language
Been elected to public office
Written your own computer language
Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
Had to put someone you love in hospice care
Build your own PC from parts
Sold your own artwork to someone that didn’t know it was yours
Had a booth in a street fair
Dyed your hair
Been a DJ
Shaved your head
Caused a car accident
Saved someone’s life

Goodbye Sammy.

My prayers go out to Chasing A Child who got terrible news this week. Try to stop by and give her some support. She needs it.

Timing couldn't of been any better.

So last night I just started freaking out over having no symptoms.

And who knocks on the door this morning? FedEx with the doppler I rented at the beginning of the week.

It took about 12 minutes, but I found the glorious little heartbeat beating at about 160bpm. ~Whew~. Everything is okay and I get to avoid looking crazy and showing up at my RE's office that just released me ~or~ my OBs office whom I just called yesterday.

The doppler rental has already been worth it's price to me! I rented one during the entire time with Allison, helping me to circumvent who knows how many freak outs! Most people who rent dopplers do so until they can feel the baby move. But not me! I pay for the rental until after the birth. I can't tell you how many times I sat on the couch poking and prodding my belly to get a very still baby to wake up and move. With a doppler, one quick check and all fears abated.

When I was quite large with Allison, I was carrying Ella (only 12 months old) into the garage. I stumbled on the steps and came crashing down the remaining stairs to land on the concrete floor. I turned and landed on my side/back, to protect both babies, but it was quite a fall. Of course, the baby wasn't moving and my own heart started to race. I simply got out the doppler and confirmed normal heart rhythm.

When I went to rent one this time, I noticed the internet has been flooded with doppler rental companies! Wow! I chose this one from It's the kind my doctor uses and the type I rented last time, so I knew it's a good one. This is also the ~cheap~ model, as there are no extras like HR display or recorder. Why get a recorder when it digitally records on the unit itself? There is no external audio device to keep the recording. Also, the display is just not necessary. All you have to do look at a clock and count the beats for 6 seconds then add a zero on the end (multiply by ten) and there is the HR. The model with the display is $1.65/day, while the model I'm renting is 85 cents per day!

Thank you for all the comments to get me to chill. I know symptoms come and go, but with the losses out there in the internet, it's hard not to internalize them.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

I've lost my symptoms

And I realized I am terrified.

In my 7th weeks, I felt nauseated. And I was exhausted. And now? Well, nothing.

I saw the heartbeat 6 days ago. And since then, nothing. I haven't felt anything. My breasts are kindof sore. But not incredibly so like they were.

Good lord. I just took the time to acknowledge how freaked out I am. And I am.

Grandma has passed.

We were all going out of town to Salida this weekend, but Friday we got word Grandma was not doing well. She was in hospice to recover from an infection, but it started to look like she wouldn't be leaving to go home in the traditional sense.

Tom and I took the kids to see her on Saturday. We were stopped at the door by Tom's parents, telling us we may not want to bring the kids in to see her because of the way she looked. The kids were taken down to the play area while we went in.

Grandma Vicky was 89 years old. Her health had been drastically declining in the past few years, but she was still Vicky. The woman I now looked upon was not the Vicky I have known. In her place was a body that showed her years. The skin draped upon her skull and her mouth gaped open. Her teeth now looked too large for her small frame. Her eyes stayed closed and she made random movements. She wasn't responding. She was dying.

Although she looked different, she wasn't scary. I felt the kids should come in to see her. They loved their great grandma and I wanted them to see that she was quite sick, so when I explained she was gone, it would make some sense to them. I brought Ella and Allison to her bedside. Allie was a little frightened, so I kept her in my arms, but Ella went right up to her. She started telling her great grandma how she had been at the zoo that day, this being one of the few times great grandma didn't make the trip with us. Upon hearing the children's voices, great grandma opened her eyes and said a few words. I heard "Ella" and "zoo". Vicky was for sure responding. It was great to have that happen.

Next, I put Vicky's hand on my belly and told her "baby" and she repeated the word. She simply adored her great grandchildren so much. She was there for each of their births, being one of the few people to hold them when they were not yet even an hour old. I'm happy she learned she would have another great grandchild, if only for a fleeting moment.

We said our goodbyes and went home. The next day she was less responsive, not opening her eyes at all. The children and I stayed home while Tom spent time with her, along with his parents.

Saturday night, at 9:30pm, hospice called the family and said she was in the process of active dying. It would still be hours, but the family gathered. While Vicky slept, the family was next to her, speaking quietly of the good times they've had with her.

At 1:30am, Vicky's daughter, Diana, felt the urge to go sit next to her mom. There was no chair, so she brought a wheelchair over, sat down and held her hand. Vicky took 3 deep breaths and then died.

Vicky had a wonderful life, filled with family and love. She passed with her children all around, her daughter grasping her hand.

Goodbye Vicky. You will be missed.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Mmmmm. Sushi.

I ~love~ sushi. And I was totally craving it. Not a pregnancy crave, as I honestly don't think that exists anymore than an non pregnant woman craving something. I get cravings all the time when I'm not pregnant. Why is it that when I am pregnant and crave something, it's all contributed to pregnancy? But I digress.

Sushi. I like all kinds, but my absolute favorite is tuna. Just the plain raw tuna on rice or a more fancy spicy tuna roll. I love it all. And I wanted it.

So guess what?


Oh yes. I did. See, I'm not one of those pregnant women who get "what to expect when you are expecting" and follow all the rules word for word. I follow the ones that I know are all-the-time harmful, like certain medications, but all these rules for food? I use the rules as a guideline.

Yes. Getting the different types of food poisoning can be very very bad. In fact, I know a girl who got e-coli and ended up having a micro preemie from the downward spiral of getting sick. (Her being sick caused severe dehydration, which lowered the amount of amniotic fluid, which had her in the hospital for weeks on IVs, which her amniotic fluid never recovered, which put her into pre-term labor, which they weren't able to stop ...) And this is why I will ~not~ eat anything that I find suspicious. Nor would I take the chance at something undercooked from someone/somewhere I don't trust completely.

Lunch meat, rare steaks, raw fish, undercooked eggs and things of that nature ~are~ candidates for serious food poisoning. But these are the foods I eat all the time. I know which places I trust and I know which places I would have no idea whether to trust or not. For example: Sushi. I have eaten raw fish at Juns here in town for over 10 years. I have never gotten sick nor has the dozens of people I know who eat there all the time. I know their quality of their raw tuna. I know it's safe. And I trust that I would be able to tell the difference if something was off. I wouldn't go trying something I'm not familiar with, even at Juns, nor would I have my favorite tuna from the sushi bar in the mall's food court.

I wouldn't go ordering very easy over eggs pretty much anywhere, but make it myself when I know it's not cross contaminated in anyway? Sure. Same thing with rare steaks and lunch meat. I do pay extra attention to these types of foods and I would step back if anything caused me to second guess it.

And please tell me that OBs in Japan tell pregnant women to give up their main staple of food. They don't. It's simply ~not~ the food that is bad for pregnant women.

My friend who I mentioned above who got e-coli? She didn't eat raw fish or bad lunch meat. She ate a hamburger. The investigation determined it was the lettuce on her hamburger that was the culprit. The restaurant kept their lettuce near the pan of thawing chicken breasts. Some of the juice from the chicken breast pan dripped into the produce, contaminating the lettuce. The way we are here in the US, I'm surprised there isn't a new rule directing pregnant women to stay away from lettuce!

All food is risky. We run the risk of sickness when we eat anything not made in our own kitchens. Our own kitchens can sicken us, but we are in control of our environment and can avoid such hazards.

This post is totally ~not~ to try to convince any pregnant woman that they should go and eat everything that is "off limits". It's simply to give a little insight as to why I have made my choices.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Go Boston!!!

What a great night for the Celtics! Right on.

Randomness on a tuesday

I don't have a set subject to talk about, but I do have some random updates/comments.

~ Floods. Everyone is aware of the midwestern floods, right? Well, I have a good friend, Tim, who's Mother in law was devestated by the flood. She lost everything. Her home, all her possessions. Everything. Through the use of, a recovery account has been set up for her. I know you don't know her, but I'm asking everyone if they have a dollar or two to spare, think of Mary and donate?

~ Google Reader. Wow! I had a great response to my request to leave your blog and I have 76 subscriptions now. I was just talking to Miss Stirrup Queen about the fact that I am now addicted to it and I blame her. But she does point out a really good point. I may look at more blogs on a daily basis, but I'm reading blogs smarter - not having to click on blogs that haven't been updated. It sweet and I highly recommend it!

I did want to mention that some of you left comments for me to add your blog but your blog wasn't listed in your profile so I couldn't get to it ~or~ it was invite only. So if you fall under this condition, give me your URL or an invite! I'm a good reader and commentor. At least I'll be much better now that I have google reader!

~ Edible Arrangements. My good friend katie sent me a box of this tasty chocolate dipped fruit during one of my many IF dissapointments and ever since, I use the company all the time. Today, I sent an arrangement to my RE's office to thank them for all their help in getting me pregnant. Yeah, I paid them and they were doing their job, but they fielded many phone calls from me, many hugs when I was crying and even more hugs when things went well. I will be forever grateful so I sent them this: (with the card that read "I don't know how to thank you, so eat some damned fruit!")

Looks pretty freaking yummy, doesn't it? I did a few add-ons too - half of the strawberries will be dipped, 8 dipped apples and 8 dipped bananas. MMmmmm. (Tori, if you have an appointment tomorrow, be sure to get some! I bought a HUGE one for everyone to share so there will be plenty!)

Monday, June 16, 2008

The belly.

I have always taken belly pictures, every two weeks, throughout all my pregnancies. I really don't want to put up a new post every two weeks, badgering you to look at them. So to make it easier, I made a sidebar picture link.

The sidebar picture will show my latest belly shot, but when you click on it, it will bring you to my "belly comparison" page. This page has all the bellies, side by side, week for week, all on one page.

It's just one of those things that I don't want to have to reiterate every two weeks. Nor do I want to thrust it in your face, whether you are IF or not. I think it'll make it easier this way. One, you'll know it'll always be over there, but it won't be an "in your face" type of thing. Click on it if you want, or don't. But it's something I have always enjoyed looking at (myself and other people) and I definitely want to continue.

Depending on feedback as I get bigger, I may just change it to a link so there isn't an obvious pregnant belly on the page all the time. We'll see.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

The ignorance of Infertility.

I mentioned it below that my RE told me to come back when I was ~really~ pregnant so they could "point and laugh" at my belly. I immediately responded with "there is no way I would walk past all of the if women in the waiting room with a belly". To this he said "Oh, they don't mind!"

Well, the conversation went on a little bit longer ... there was the Nurse, RE and me in the room.

RE: "If anything, you bring them hope!"
Nurse: nodding in agreement.
Me: "Do you think we (the if-ers) actually think there are no success stories? That we are all just coming in and paying tens of thousands of dollars for something that never works?"
Nurse: "But seeing you really will really hit it home that WE can go this!"
Me: "Um, Have either of you been an infertile woman?"
Nurse/RE: staring at me.
Me: "Well, I have and it's hard. Even when we have children already. To watch someone with children come into the waiting room is a stab in the heart. But what's worse it to see someone who has recently succeeded in there. The woman holding her ultrasound showing the front desk. The woman coming in with a belly. It's all too fresh. To me, it's harder than seeing children here, which I actually wish I didn't have to see."
RE: "Well, I still think you showing up with a big belly would make all the women in the waiting room feel full of hope."
Nurse: "Yeah."
Me: "How bout them Celtics?"

Wow. I can't believe the staff doesn't understand the feelings of an infertile. I'm not surprised when people don't understand secondary infertility, as not many people do, but primary? They really thought that seeing me full of baby would bring a woman on her 4th IVF cycle ~hope~?

I can't tell you how disappointing it was to discover this. And explains why they have a section of their waiting room filled with toys and children's books. While occupying children in a waiting room is a good idea, having a section like this is giving the green light for parents to bring their children into an RE appointment. It just hits home that unless you have personally gone through infertility, you really may not "get it". Even an RE's office itself. Sure, non-ifers CAN have sympathy for an infertile, but there is just no way they will understand all the facets of infertility with society's current perceptions.

I'm sure by now you have all read PJ's article in the New York Times. And while the ignorant comments made my blood boil, it simply didn't surprise me. Infertility just has ~not~ been in the public eye for long enough yet. The public needs education and thankfully, it's starting. But I know we're not going to get people to understand unless we continue to try to explain things to them.

When we hear a naive response/question/comment, we need to take time to educate. Don't shrug off someone's ignorance. Teach them. Sure, the comments usually take us by surprise and hits our heart strings. But use that emotion in a constructive way. If a friend tries to support you when you are bummed out over a failed cycle and they say "Well, there is always next month!" or "Trying is the fun part!" or "It'll happen when the time is right.", take a moment to explain how much infertility takes out of you. Keep it simple if you'd like or sit her down and take 20 minutes.

But don't keep quiet.

If you take a moment to explain how all encompassing infertility really is. And while you know there is next month, you are in pain right now. Explain the appropriate response is "I'm sorry". If you do this, you may be helping each and every infertile woman your friend may come in contact with in the future. While your friend may not suddenly get all the ins and outs of the psychology on infertility, the next IFer with a failed cycle she talks to will get an "I'm sorry" in response. What a great first step to understanding.

Think of how long it took people to understand HIV/AIDS. Parents used to pull their children out of school if there was an HIV positive child in the school. They thought sharing a lunch table was putting their children at risk. And through years and years of education, most people understand the disease. Sure, there are a lot of ignorant people out in the world, but it's getting better. And people's response to Infertility will get better to. We all have to do our part though.

I'm disappointed I gave up so easily with my RE and nurse. To help them understand, I'm going to write a letter explaining it a bit more. It may not change their minds, but it'll start their inner dialog. It's the best I can hope for.

Will you help? Will you take a moment to explain this to the next person who may say the wrong thing? You may not get a great response when you do this. Usually the person you have to explain this to had good intentions. And when people who were just trying to help get negative feedback, they naturally get defensive. I try to alleviate this reaction by saying "I know you mean well and I appreciate it more than you know, but I would like to explain ... " And of course, end with thanking them for taking the time to talk about something that's a little uncomfortable. Acknowledging you know their intentions were nothing but good really helps.

I've had some friends who have really surprised me and some who have disappointed. One friend, Trisha, acknowledged she didn't understand infertility and she actually went out of her way to educate herself. She researched it and even read an entire book! All just to be able to "correctly" support the very few infertiles she knew. You couldn't ask for a better reaction. On the other hand, I've been completely shocked by other's reactions when I tried to talk to them about their comments about infertility. I personally think the bad sometimes comes with the good and you just can't escape it. But I would rather have 9 outcomes and 1 bad one instead of not saying anything to all 10 people.

This is now getting in the "too long" category and I'll wrap it up. I just hope I've shown how just a little explanation from all of us can really go a long way. It'll take some time. It'll take some work. But we can do it.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Lord Only Knows.

I've been avoiding Meme's lately - don't know why really (and thank you ALL who have requested me to do one! I just was in the midst of my rollercoaster ride and couldn't focus. Now that things are settled in, I'll try to do them now. If I can even find them that is.)

This one isn't even requested of me. (yeah yeah, i finally do one and it's not even one any asked me to do!) I saw it Alison's blog, (un)complicate me, and I just wanted to do it. Maybe because I already had my ipod in my ear.

1. Put Your itunes/ music player on Shuffle
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.

Scoff - Nirvana. (heh)

Rebels of the Sacred Heart - Flogging Molly. (funny, since I have the first sentence of this song written on the whiteboard in front of me: "I'm aiming for heaven, but probably wind up down in hell")

Reveal Me - Lungfish.

Ready or Not - The Fugees.

High 5 - Beck.

Mutherfuker - Beck. (that's really funny)

Do it - The Beastie Boys. (which i do.)

Daughter - Pearl Jam. (kind of a weird song to come up)

Cannon - The White Stripes.

WHAT IS 2+2?
Twitch - Pitchfork

Wish You Were Here - Incubus. (awww)

Turn Your Lights Down Low - Bob Marley & The Wailers

Very Ape - Nirvana (see lyrics)

Loser - Beck. (lol. Okay, 3 beck songs? I have 3,000 songs on this ipod!)

St Elsewhere - Gnarls Barkley

What made Milwaukee Famous Made A Loser Out of Me - Flogging Molly (what's with the loser theme?)

The Ballad of Johnny Butt - Sublime

Big Cheese - Nirvana (and a 3rd nirvana song.)

Barroom Hero - Dropkick Murphys (sweet.)

Touch The Sky - Kanye (is my secret that I have kanye on my ipod?)

Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want - The Smiths

Lord Only Knows - Beck


I need to take a break. I'm pooped.

~ Thanks for all the responses on my last post! I'm going to go through and set you all up on my reader. Awesome!

~ Saw peapod again today. It looks as if I'm having another girl. The heartbeat was 169bpm and both my girls had heartbeats in the 160+ at this time. I know it's an OWT, but until I'm told different, I'm betting it's a girl.

~ The widget is super creepy now that I hit 8 weeks. Before, it was just a tadpole looking thing. Now the big headed eye monster is bopping around. ~shudder~

~ I've been released from the RE. They told me to come in after I'm 30 weeks so they can make fun of the belly. I said there would be no way I'd walk in there like that in front of all of the infertile ladies. He said "oh, they don't mind!". What planet is this guy from?

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Are you a blogger?

I think I'm going to try to get a google reader together. Or something. It's time to step out of the old school age of having a box of "favorites" and help me organize a little better.

If you could so me a favor and leave a "I do!" comment to this post, I can start setting them up in one place.

I know I can go through all my old comments and then go through Mel's list and yada yada yada, but I need to start small.

So pretty please, with sugar on top, if you're a blogger, can you comment to this post so I can set up my feeds?

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Just call me u/s queen.

For any infertile seeking treatment, you know you become one with the monkey wand. U/S are nothing new and you know if given the chance, you can do the thing yourself, don't you?

I had my first OB appointment today.

I guess it ended up being a little early, as my RE hasn't released me yet, but I was under the wrong impression when I first made the appointment. See, my OB is a busy guy and that first appointment takes some time to get in. Plus, I know the first appointment is made around 8weeks and ~everything~ after that revolves around the "every 4 weeks" from appointment #1. With my first, I had my first appointment at 8 weeks, so my BIG u/s appointment fell on my 20 week appointment (as they do the big u/s on whatever appointment falls around 18-22). With Allie, my first appointment was at 7weeks, so my big u/s was at 19 weeks. Great. I definitely wanted to get in before 8 weeks this time! When I first got the bfp, I asked the nurse at RE's what the schedule was. It seemed that I'd be released after the hb appointment, which was at 7weeks exactly. Therefore, I went ahead and made my "8week" appointment. But at my hb appt, RE said he was keeping me for longer, so I just preemptively saw my OB. Oh well, more appointments can't hurt, right?

Anywho, today's appointment was the big boring first appointment. Pee in a cup, weight, medical history, hand up the hoohaa to feel cervix, swipe for STDs, give me big bag of presents and tells me to make an appointment in 4 weeks. BUT this time, I had a few surprises!

~ The first was she asked me if I wanted to take a peek at my little peapod. Crazy, since they don't do early u/s here, but she said she liked to and she wouldn't charge my insurance. Sweet. I'll never give up an opportunity to see the baby. Little peapod has graduated to looking like a gummy bear. Big head and little arm and leg buds. Aww. I have a picture, but the u/s machine was a crappy one, as when it froze for a picture, it was way fuzzy. Just trust me, it was the first u/s that the blob was cute.

~ The second was the fact of my age. I am over 35 so I am now considered "Advanced Maternal Age". Yipee. Which means I am immediately referred to the Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist. Which, they already called me to make the appointment. It needs to be done between 12 and 13 weeks, so it's imperative to get the appointment done on the right date. My appointment is for July 15th and I'll be 12w4d. I have to get the first trimester ultrasound, genetic counseling and the nuchal translucency test. Scary.

I just can't believe how many u/s I get this pregnancy. I had about a bajillion u/s during the IVF/FET cycle, then the u/s during ET. Then the sac u/s when beta hit 1,000. Then the hb appointment. Then the "peek" at first OB appointment. Then another u/s on friday with RE. Then the "you are an old mom" u/s appointment. Then finally, the "big" u/s at 20 weeks.

But, no matter how much I love seeing the baby, I hope the big u/s is my last. U/S later on tend to be for scary reasons and I just don't want any more rides on the roller coaster. Really.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

What's that number?


How is my progesterone only 33.6? My estrodial, on the other hand, is a solid 908, but 33.6 for my progesterone? really?

Damn it. I inject myself every freaking night with the devil's oil. How is it a paltry 33.6?

I honestly think the number is okay - after checking out the hormone level bible, but I was a little bummed where I am. If the average is 20 at 4 weeks and 40 at 14 weeks, it should be around 30 by 9 weeks. Sure, I'm only shy of 8 weeks, (7w4d to be exact) but I stick myself with 1.5ml of progesterone every night. I was expecting to be more than average.


Monday, June 9, 2008

I'm hurt.

I somehow managed to hurt myself. I can barely walk. Leg doesn't want to cooperate. Right upper leg. Not quite hip. I think.

No old jokes.

I'm convalescing on the couch. I'll be back tomorrow.

Saturday, June 7, 2008

The "after bfp guilt" post ...

I want to say what all IFers feel the need to say once on the other side of the double line ...

I feel outrageously blessed my IVF/FET cycle worked. And while it felt like I went through hell and back for it, I know it was my own level of hell. I'm not comparing personal hells and I don't think it's right to ever compare pain. I personally think everyone should have the 'right' to judge their own pain by themselves - never having to hold it up to anyone else's pain chart.

Even though I don't compare, it's still very obvious there are people out there who have had it worse. And there are people out there who have had it easier. I will never forget how lucky I am, nor will I ever forget how hard I felt like I fought for this. My heart continues to break for all my girls out there, still fighting the fight. (And conversely, I still have jealousy over those who didn't have to fight for it!) If the aspect of deserving had anything to do with getting pregnant, I could list 50 women off the top of my head who deserve a bfp.

This leads me all to what I'm about to say ... I will ALWAYS be humble about my pregnancy. There won't be a day that goes by without me acknowledging in my head, what my heart already knows - the fact that I beyond lucky. I ~know~ something as little as a sneeze could have moved my position from two lines to only one. I know this space of double lines could have easily not happened. I didn't do anything special. I didn't fall upon the secret of it all. I simply got lucky.

I also am aware of all the things that can still go wrong. I know I'm not guaranteed a baby in January. I know I'm not even guaranteed to another glance at a beating heart when I go in next Friday. I've followed way too many of you ladies out there to think any other way.

But, for right now, I'm pregnant. And I'm happy. I choose to embrace the present and to love this little baby growing inside me. It was quite a roller coaster for me to get here, but after seeing the heartbeat, that was my queue to exhale. For today, everything is okay. No dwelling on the potential issues that can come up - just live for today.

Which brings me to my blog. I will continue to write about whatever happens to come up. While I'm not a newbie at the whole pregnancy thing, so I won't be going gaga over baby showers (won't be having one) or what kind of bedding to buy, I still will be talking about this pregnancy. I'm not going to forewarn anyone before it happens or password protect pregnancy topics. This is my life - the new life of nancy.

I did want to take the time to explain this though. I didn't want anyone to think I didn't think I was blessed because I didn't mention it in every post's opening line. Nor do I want anyone to think I wasn't being sensitive to those still ttc because I didn't "warn" the topic of pregnancy was going to be discussed.

Let me ask you this. Besides the clicking on a blog for the first time and simply not knowing the current condition of the author, you pretty much know if it's a pregnancy or ttc blog, correct? For me, I have a list of favorites. They all started out as "TTC" and as they became pregnant, I moved them over to a "pregnant" favorites folder. Then, as they gave birth, one more folder was created called "parenting". So I ~know~ when I'm going to a pregnancy blog. Once there, I didn't feel I ever needed to be warned the author was going to speak of her pregnancy because I pretty much expected it due to the nature of the author's life. It's like walking into a locker room and expecting everyone to give me notice that they will be getting undressed. If I didn't want to chance seeing a naked woman, I'd of simply skipped going into the locker room.

For those of you whom do give this warning to your readers - I find nothing wrong with doing it. And most of you are probably in a different category than myself - as you most likely have a huge reader base, whereas I don't. The point of even bringing this up was just to explain why I wasn't going to do it. That's all.

I know I'll be losing a lot of the readers I once had, but it's something I totally understand. Just a few months ago, I fessed up to not being able to read any of the blogs listed in my "pregnant" folder. I wouldn't expect anyone to do any more than I did!

While I won't be "24x7 pregnancy! All the time!", it will be talked about. I'll also continue to talk about all the things I like to talk about - you know, like getting punched in the face by random people. Or the escapades in brazilian waxing. I do hope you stick around, but I will understand if you can't.

During my self professed abstention of pregnancy blogs, I still secretly read them every now and again. Looking back, I wish I would have let these ladies know I was keeping up with their words. Even a simple comment consisting of a smiley face would have shown these women that their words were still being read. I've seen ~so~ many blogs lose ~so~ many readers once the thrill of the bfp dies down. But maybe they aren't. Maybe the readers are still there - maybe they just aren't commenting. But to the blog author, they don't know this. They only see the link "0 comments" when they check in.

The change in pace can be hard. Think of going through any treatment cycle where you would get daily blood draws, ultrasounds, injections, etc. And then it all culminates with ET (or IUI, etc) and then it all stops. The 2ww was always the hardest time for me not because I was holding my breath to see the results of my poas frenzy, but because all my activities just stopped.

And this is how I assume it will feel when/if I lose my readers. So if you are one to stop reading once someone moves to the next phase, come back for an occasional visit. The author may still be able to keep your attention. Maybe not, but it's worth it, isn't it?

braces bunch!!


I am in the midst of writing a bajillion note cards to all the 2nd generation braces bunchers. I have 7 more to go and I just ran out of stamps.


Friday, June 6, 2008

The Old Wives' Tale of the Heartbeat.

My first two pregnancies were completely different from one another. From the symptoms I had, I would have sworn I was having the opposite sex.

With Ella, I craved Salty. With Allison, I craved sweet.
With Ella, I had stringy hair. With Allison, it glowed.
With Ella, my nails suffered. With Allison, I could have been a hand model.
With Ella, I was barely sick. With Allison, puking was on the daily schedule.
And it went on and on, always being the opposite.

The only thing that was the same throughout both was a high heartbeat. Both heart rates clocked in at 160bpm at 12 weeks.

The Old Wives' Tale of the heartbeat says over 140bpm = girl and under 140bpm = boy. It's worked for me so far, so I'll probably look to this again.

BUT ...

It's too early now. Right now, the heart has just formed within the last week and started pumping. Before 7 weeks, the HR should be over 100. After 7 weeks, the HR should be over 120. After 9-10 weeks, the HR should be over 130 (but the normal range is 120-160).

Which means my baby's HR of 129bpm doesn't mean diddly. Except, of course, that the baby is healthy. I totally plan on using this measurement as an indicator of "is it a boy or a girl?" but I can't just yet. It's just too early. Even if the baby is a girl, her new heart simply isn't capable of beating that fast.

Maybe it'll remain low when I hear it on doppler at my 12 week appointment and I'll come back to "it's a boy". I just can't yet!

And just to add - I am completely aware that this Old Wives' Tale is completely false. I looked up the data which proved 50% of boys had heartrates of under 140 and the other had rates above 140. Same with girls. But hey, it's fun to guess, right?

Clearing these hurdles without even looking!

Okay, I was looking. And concentrating. And being so nervous that I was sweating. But, another hurdle cleared.

Today was the big heartbeat check and we found it beating away at 129bpm, the little peapod measuring at a perfect 6w5d. I'm 7w today (even though my LMP puts me at 7w3d, but that's all wrong), but due to the late implantation, this makes total sense.

So, a little sigh of relief.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

It's book review time!

I just got done reading through The Fertility Journal, A Day by Day Guide to Getting Pregnant by Kim Hahn and the Editors of Conceive Magazine.

When I was first asked to take part in this review, I was simply ~thrilled~. It was just up my alley! I mean, what was I more obsessed with than trying to conceive? Nothing! And a JOURNAL to do it all in? Heaven.

See, I'm a forms girl. I love filling things out. I actually race other patients in doctor's offices to see how much faster I can fill out my entire medical history, which is quite extensive, than anyone else given the forms. Even with a head start, no one beats me. This shows you a little bit of my obsessiveness, but will also give me a little credit when talking about the aspect of ~journals~.

The book came in two parts. For the first year ttc-er and then for the woman who has moved into treatments.

The first year was a day by day block of things to checkoff and to note. It was also interspersed with little "notes" and "tips" about trying to conceive tidbits and also what to expect when you receive that magic line.

I imagined being a newbie and loving this. Being excited about those first steps. Reading the little tips and taking notes. But also, since I am an old bitter ttc with a happy ending, I thought about how those little "looking ahead to pregnancy" could start to wear on me, especially after a hard day. In no means do I think the author's should of left it out. It crossed my mind so I wanted to mention it.

The second section of the book was handled differently than the first due to treatment cycles. As any of you who have gone through treatment cycles knows, it's all about medications. And the journal understands this. The daily boxes are now files with appointment notes, doctor's orders and a medication schedule. VERY nice and tidy for anyone obsesses with KEEPING TRACK! Oh yes, this was me.

I personally would have loved to have this journal during my IVF and FET cycles. I kept my notes on some graph paper, pretty much trying to make my own daily journal records. I much rather would have had a prepopulated place to jot down my notes. The journal didn't miss anything I would have needed either.

I plan on passing this copy of "The Fertility Journal" off to one of my friends who is just starting to ttc. I think it would be a great emotional help to any trying to conceiver because, well, it just seems like you are ~doing something~ in your cycles. The months can start melting together and with taking notes like you would in the journal, you could possibly pick up on little nuances and end up helping yourself before you ever reach the big scary "infertility treatments" pages.

I'm almost a little bummed I don't get to use it myself. (okay, so I'm lying a little bit here at the end! ~wink~)

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Let's talk about boobies.

Specifically, my boobies.

As ~anyone~ who has been reading me knows, I've got big bags of salt water in my chest. Yup, fakies. And they are the most wonderful things I have ever bought. Better than any of my heels. I'm not giant, no way. I went from an A minus to a small C. But I love them. So so so much.

On the day of my u/s when my beta was a mere 1,073, the nurse asked me if my breasts were tender. I grabbed them right there and said "nope, not at all". And they weren't.

Now, holy shit. They have swollen. I'm sure no one else can notice, but I do. And they hurt. Why do they hurt??? Isn't it the progesterone that makes them hurt? If so, wouldn't they of hurt from the first day of PIO injections? Why now? Why only starting this week? Please, if you have an answer - tell me!


And to leave you with a little of my obsession ... I poas again today. Yes, at what? um, 29dp3dt. I'm all nervous about the big heartbeat u/s coming up in 3 days. I don't feel pregnant at all. And I'm terrified all I will see is the same little sac I saw before. Ugh. So I poas. And even if the hb isn't there, the damned pee stick would still be positive. No reason for me to pee, yet I did. At least it's nice and dark, right? (my god, I'm a dork.)

Monday, June 2, 2008

Fashion Show!

I just had a little living room fashion show.

THAT is what online shopping of close to $1,500 worth of jcrew bridesmaids dresses will do for you! Yay!

My very best friend in the whole wide world is getting married in September and all her bridemaids get to pick our OWN dress - as long as it's JCrew and all the same material and black. heh.

Regardless, I got to do some online ordering (JCrews here don't have the wedding stuff) and got to feel all purty and girlie. Wow. Some high heels and dress wearing all in the same day! I better be careful or I'll lose my punk rockness.

I need to get a smaller size cause I ordered 2 sizes too big and I need it only 1 size too big. Thank goodness this isn't my first time around on this roller coaster or I'd have no idea what to do.

And the winner is ... (in black - NOT pink!!!)

oh - and this is post #420. My "college me" would be pissed if I didn't at least SAY something.

Heels make boys feel inadequate.


I'm wearing a pair of my favorite seven for all mankind jeans today, which, since I didn't have them altered, means that I need to be 5,11" for them to fit correctly. So I put on my favorite pair of heels - a little strappy number by micheal kors.

They are 4.5" of sweet heaven.

Well, I just walked downstairs with my friend (male) to get a cup of coffee. (yes, I do drink caffeine and 1 cup per day has been approved by my doc, so no need to scold me). As I was walking next to him, he just kept saying "that's not right". In line, he announced to everyone that I need to be "down to your real level" so everyone else knew I wasn't taller than him. No, he wasn't saying it meanly, but he was actually upset about it.

Whatever. I'm not taking them off to make him feel better. Who knew being tall had this much power?

hint for the creepy bouncing widgets

I always hated how it displayed "X # of days to go" but all you have to do is click on the numbers on anyone's widget and it'll change the display to "weeks to go", "weeks so far" or "day so far", etc.

Once I found that out, I liked them better.

Still creepy though.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

I lied. So sue me.

Yeah yeah. I still don't like this creepy baby widget thing but there isn't many out there, you know? Like 3. And the one I had doesn't work. At all.

I'll probably change it to the pink one like FreezerBuns has, but with me only being 6w2d, it's still too creepy. It looks like a butterfly. Not that the one I have now doesn't look creepy, believe me - I totally think it does.

But what the fuck. I'm putting it up. Totally going against my own "those things are creepy and I'll NEVER have one." Still creepy, but I ~want~ one.

Don't like it? Shove it. (said in the nicest possible way, of course. ~wink~)

Sucketh of Monkey Balls.

work sucks.

I've been working since 9pm.

It's 11:39am now. Yes. AM. As in morning.

And now it's 12:41pm. Awesome. 16 hour day. And we're not done.