I couldn't find the heartbeat.

(I did eventually find it, didn't want to make it a 'wait til the end' post to know all is okay).

Everyday starts out about the same with this pregnancy. Since I have absolutely ~NO~ symptoms what-so-ever, the only way I even know I'm pregnant is by the fact there is a heartbeat not my own in my belly.

This morning was no different, so I whip out the doppler for a quick listen. I blorp the gel on my tummy, put the stick on and then listen. Nope, not there. Move. Not there. Move. Not there. Ack.

This is the downside of the doppler - the freakout when you can't find the heartbeat. But, I must say, pales in comparison to the not knowing for 4 weeks if things are okay between each appointment.

Blorp. More gel. More moving. I hear my heartbeat quicken. I hear my heartbeat all over the place. Each time thinking for a nanosecond it's the baby's heartbeat and quickly telling it's not.

I start to think about how quickly this can happen. How quickly someone can lose their baby. They see the heartbeat at an appointment, they take their big sigh of relief and then 4 weeks later, nothing. Heartbeat instead of heartbeat. I can't bare to think of what these women go through. What my friends go through. The universe cracks and sucks in a life. Not just the baby's life, but the piece of the mother that dies along with her lost baby.

In my case, I was thinking I wasn't going to get that shock in the doctor's office, but right here on my couch. Where I heard a beating heart just the night before, emptiness now.

I won't pretend to know what a loss feels like. But I can tell you I know what the thought of a pending loss feels like. When they told me this baby was not viable and most likely ectopic, I felt the idea of a pending loss. And that's the feeling I had this morning. It was hard to find the heartbeat at 8 weeks, but by 9 weeks, I was finding it in a matter of seconds. So not finding it today scared me. It scared me bad.

Just as I started to reach my inner panic peak where the outer panic takes over, there it was. That little heartbeat beating 170bpm. My little girl let me know she was alright. (I have no doubt this baby is a girl.)

Another super cool thing about the doppler is hearing movement. As I was listening, I heard a thump and the hb promptly disappeared and I had to move my doppler angle to find it again. Yup, she's in there moving around like crazy and I got the hear it.

I have reached 10 weeks so I'm already 25% into this pregnancy. Although I want this little girl to grow, grow, grow so I can have a big tummy and eventually meet her, I keep in mind that this is the last time I'll feel this. So I want to take it one day at a time, enjoying ~today~ instead of waiting until tomorrow. I was SO WORRIED I would spend this pregnancy frightened. And while I don't take it for granted, as I know a lot can happen, I don't want to waste a single moment worrying about something that hasn't happened.

I've been on TTC/IF/Pregnancy boards for over 5 years now and I have seen a lot of tragedy. Failed cycles, adoptions falling through, decisions to live childfree, shocking abortions, divorce, death of spouse, miscarriage, stillbirth, newborn death. I think anyone blogging for a good amount of time has seen it too. And yes, all of that scares me. But I choose to live for the positive outcome. If the bad happens, I can't help that, but for today, I choose to embrace the life in my belly. I choose to embrace my family. I choose to assume the best for now.

I have seen so many IFers go through their entire pregnancy on their tiptoes. Afraid buying a onesie will jinx their entire pregnancy. Afraid to write their due date in the calendar. And while I don't fault any woman for their own coping mechanisms, I feel so sad for them. So sad that they fear so much instead of allowing themselves and their heart, to glow. It's all a personal journey, so it's not their fault for not being able to feel one way or another, but I just hope they'll find their happiness before it's all over and the baby is on the outside.