Sunday, June 29, 2008

I couldn't find the heartbeat.

(I did eventually find it, didn't want to make it a 'wait til the end' post to know all is okay).

Everyday starts out about the same with this pregnancy. Since I have absolutely ~NO~ symptoms what-so-ever, the only way I even know I'm pregnant is by the fact there is a heartbeat not my own in my belly.

This morning was no different, so I whip out the doppler for a quick listen. I blorp the gel on my tummy, put the stick on and then listen. Nope, not there. Move. Not there. Move. Not there. Ack.

This is the downside of the doppler - the freakout when you can't find the heartbeat. But, I must say, pales in comparison to the not knowing for 4 weeks if things are okay between each appointment.

Blorp. More gel. More moving. I hear my heartbeat quicken. I hear my heartbeat all over the place. Each time thinking for a nanosecond it's the baby's heartbeat and quickly telling it's not.

I start to think about how quickly this can happen. How quickly someone can lose their baby. They see the heartbeat at an appointment, they take their big sigh of relief and then 4 weeks later, nothing. Heartbeat instead of heartbeat. I can't bare to think of what these women go through. What my friends go through. The universe cracks and sucks in a life. Not just the baby's life, but the piece of the mother that dies along with her lost baby.

In my case, I was thinking I wasn't going to get that shock in the doctor's office, but right here on my couch. Where I heard a beating heart just the night before, emptiness now.

I won't pretend to know what a loss feels like. But I can tell you I know what the thought of a pending loss feels like. When they told me this baby was not viable and most likely ectopic, I felt the idea of a pending loss. And that's the feeling I had this morning. It was hard to find the heartbeat at 8 weeks, but by 9 weeks, I was finding it in a matter of seconds. So not finding it today scared me. It scared me bad.

Just as I started to reach my inner panic peak where the outer panic takes over, there it was. That little heartbeat beating 170bpm. My little girl let me know she was alright. (I have no doubt this baby is a girl.)

Another super cool thing about the doppler is hearing movement. As I was listening, I heard a thump and the hb promptly disappeared and I had to move my doppler angle to find it again. Yup, she's in there moving around like crazy and I got the hear it.

I have reached 10 weeks so I'm already 25% into this pregnancy. Although I want this little girl to grow, grow, grow so I can have a big tummy and eventually meet her, I keep in mind that this is the last time I'll feel this. So I want to take it one day at a time, enjoying ~today~ instead of waiting until tomorrow. I was SO WORRIED I would spend this pregnancy frightened. And while I don't take it for granted, as I know a lot can happen, I don't want to waste a single moment worrying about something that hasn't happened.

I've been on TTC/IF/Pregnancy boards for over 5 years now and I have seen a lot of tragedy. Failed cycles, adoptions falling through, decisions to live childfree, shocking abortions, divorce, death of spouse, miscarriage, stillbirth, newborn death. I think anyone blogging for a good amount of time has seen it too. And yes, all of that scares me. But I choose to live for the positive outcome. If the bad happens, I can't help that, but for today, I choose to embrace the life in my belly. I choose to embrace my family. I choose to assume the best for now.

I have seen so many IFers go through their entire pregnancy on their tiptoes. Afraid buying a onesie will jinx their entire pregnancy. Afraid to write their due date in the calendar. And while I don't fault any woman for their own coping mechanisms, I feel so sad for them. So sad that they fear so much instead of allowing themselves and their heart, to glow. It's all a personal journey, so it's not their fault for not being able to feel one way or another, but I just hope they'll find their happiness before it's all over and the baby is on the outside.


Deb said...

you scared me a little with the title - thanks for clearing it up all quick like. cause you know not worrying is the most important thing (lol).
i love your outlook and think your enjoy every second mentality rocks.
still sending all good thoughts your way.

Anonymous said...

I am glad that you were able to find the heartbeat. How scary that must have been. Sometimes those babies like to hide in there. I know Peyton did that at one of the visits and it scared the crap out of me. They assured me everything was fine, but you still worry.

I think it is neat that you know it is a girl. Your gutt feeling is usually right. Though won't you be shocked if it turns out to be a boy. It will be a nice surprise. :)


Sara said...

Wow, what a scary moment. I am so glad that she was in there - just hiding! Just like a little girl. ;)

I agree- enjoy each day as it is. You don't want to spend the whole time worrying - forgetting that a life is growing inside of you right this second.


Ally said...

I'm glad you found the heartbeat. I would be looking for it everyday if I didn't have any symptoms either.

I'm responding to your comments from my blog over here, if you don't mind.

I am almost positive the adhesions are from the big surgery where they removed the graperfruit sized tumor. The doc that removed the tumor said it was attached to my right tube as well and she had to scrape it off.

It's good news that they can remove the adhesions. The oncologist said that he checked for endometriosis and didn't see any, which is awesome!

Thank you SO much for your well wishes and expertise (although I was your expertise wasn't from experience!).


docgrumbles said...

ok, maybe I will stay away from the Doppler after all (as much as I hate waiting for the next appt or "checking for life" as I think of it)

Lee said...

Your post title was a shocker for sure. Thanks for "giving away" the ending up front. Super glad you found the HB and all is well!

Geohde said...

You gave me quite a fright!

So glad you got the hb on the doppler in the end. I had a few moments like that at 9-10 weeks with my doppler.


Michell said...

true about the last part. That is one thing that worries me, that I'll worry constantly.

heavenlytini said...

so glad you found her hb!!! and you're right, enjoy the miracle that's taking place inside of you!!! can't wait to see ur 10 week pix

Laura & Paul said...

Holy heart dropped when I read your post title. Glad everything is ok. I hope (if/when) I finally get PG that I'll be able to enjoy it and not worry about all the things I've read about.

Morrisa said...

I haven't had any major freakouts yet with the doppler but sometimes it does take a while to find the little one. I too love the bupms when you know the baby is moving, coolest thing ever!

Jewels said...

That is totally scary, I’m so glad you found the h/b. So I don’t mean to laugh, but the way you tell your stories, it reminds me of something from Judy Blume or Bridget Jones. (I like the "Blurp" sound effects)

So I have a confession, although it’s not Confession Thursday.

I went maternity clothes shopping this weekend. Hey, all the winter maternity clothes are on Clearance, and that's when I'll need them, so why wait and pay full price. (Between $4 &25 a shirt but mostly $12 to $15). The Lady is asking “How far along are you?” I swallow hard and tell her “Only 6 weeks – I know its early and I hope it sticks, but I ….” I’m telling her excuses as to why I’m shopping early, and she’s looking at me strange, then I realize that she doesn’t get that some women do fear jinxing their pregnancy or have m/c. Then I tell her “I’ve had 2 losses so I know its probably crazy to start shopping this early” and I see her snap out of her confusion and get where I’m going with my explanation. She was probably not judging me for shopping early, she was just asking questions and congratulating me. She says “Oh, well…just so you know, even on clearance items, we do a full 100% refund in special situations like that” I smile and say “Thanks”

kristen said...

just wanted to say how excited I am to see your little baby belly in the new ten week shot!

Motel Manager said...

Glad you found the h/b -- I just ordered a Doppler the other day after I heard the h/b at 9 wks at the OB's office (to my surprise). I am nervous about those can't-find-it moments, but for me the Doppler is almost just a security blanket -- I had it in pg#1 until the end even though I didn't use it after I felt movement regularly (at about 23/24 weeks).

Hey - random question. Are you going to officially find out the gender at the big u/s? Or will you just wait for the delivery room since you're sure it's another girl? What did you do w/ A & E? (If I missed this in a previous post, apologies.)

Sarah R said...

I'm glad you found the heartbeat again! I so wish I would have had a doppler while I was preggo. :( I didn't get to hear the heartbeat nearly as much as I wanted to.

I love your 10 week pic--you can definitely see a change! :)

Mommyof2boys said...

Hey Nancy,it's Alison.I decided to enter the blogging world myself ! I love your new belly picture and I am very happy you found baby's HB !
I look forward to reading all about this pregnancy :)
Hope to hear from you soon !

Morgan said...

I'm glad you found it!! See thats why I was skeptical of getting one, I freak out easy and i definately fall under the 'worry wort' category.

sara said...

I'm so happy that you found the heartbeat, and got some relief with that. What you said is so true, it is so easy to be on pins and needles after infertility with a pregnancy. Or else worrying so much that you all miss the joys of the little one growing inside. I'm trying really hard myself to find that balance between caution with my current pregnancy and allowing myself to get excited about the fact that yes we are having a baby...and to be happy! I hope you and I have many more joy filled weeks ahead :-)


whew! sigh of relief!
love the new belly pic. :)

unfortunately i was totally one of those people who couldn't enjoy pregnancy b/c fear took over. i have recently embraced it...took till almost 30 weeks...and trying to enjoy the end!

Nic said...

I'm glad that you found the hb after all - phew!

I totally agree with you about trying NOT to be on pins and needles the whole time. My attitude is that worrying about a possible tradgedy isn't going to make it not happen, so I'm going to enjoy my pregnancy while I can.

And you're looking great!

Lilith Silvermane said...

Blasted woman!

You scared the beejeesus out of me! I almost started crying... You can't do that to us faint of heart!

I am so happy you have that doppler and you can hear the wee one.

BTW, your little day timer with the baby looks less like a tadpole! YAY....

Lynda said...

I'm glad all is well. That is so wonderful that you are able to enjoy your pregnancy, one day at a time. You're looking well in your 10 wks photo.

Rita said...

having a baby is not as easy as it sounds. I feel for the mother who face these tragedies. no one in real life wants to discuss tragedy.

Amber said...

Yes, enjoy every min! It's an amazing time in a woman's life. I am so happy for you. Really. I haven't called you a bitch once yet :)

..soo.see.. said...

I totally feel caught between, "enjoy every second" and "tiptoeing". Its my first EVER and after 3 yrs on the boards and other blogs I've had, I too, know the sad side of IF. I try not to let it get to me, so I can eat up every moment of this, but I can't lie, that I don't forget abt or make believe the sad doesnt exists. Its been hard to even explain that to my friends and family. But I guess b/c they don't fully understand it, I don't "go there" that much anymore.

We're HERE nancy! We'll get through this, girl! P.s. I had braces too, lol