The ignorance of Infertility.

I mentioned it below that my RE told me to come back when I was ~really~ pregnant so they could "point and laugh" at my belly. I immediately responded with "there is no way I would walk past all of the if women in the waiting room with a belly". To this he said "Oh, they don't mind!"

Well, the conversation went on a little bit longer ... there was the Nurse, RE and me in the room.

RE: "If anything, you bring them hope!"
Nurse: nodding in agreement.
Me: "Do you think we (the if-ers) actually think there are no success stories? That we are all just coming in and paying tens of thousands of dollars for something that never works?"
Nurse: "But seeing you really will really hit it home that WE can go this!"
Me: "Um, Have either of you been an infertile woman?"
Nurse/RE: staring at me.
Me: "Well, I have and it's hard. Even when we have children already. To watch someone with children come into the waiting room is a stab in the heart. But what's worse it to see someone who has recently succeeded in there. The woman holding her ultrasound showing the front desk. The woman coming in with a belly. It's all too fresh. To me, it's harder than seeing children here, which I actually wish I didn't have to see."
RE: "Well, I still think you showing up with a big belly would make all the women in the waiting room feel full of hope."
Nurse: "Yeah."
Me: "How bout them Celtics?"

Wow. I can't believe the staff doesn't understand the feelings of an infertile. I'm not surprised when people don't understand secondary infertility, as not many people do, but primary? They really thought that seeing me full of baby would bring a woman on her 4th IVF cycle ~hope~?

I can't tell you how disappointing it was to discover this. And explains why they have a section of their waiting room filled with toys and children's books. While occupying children in a waiting room is a good idea, having a section like this is giving the green light for parents to bring their children into an RE appointment. It just hits home that unless you have personally gone through infertility, you really may not "get it". Even an RE's office itself. Sure, non-ifers CAN have sympathy for an infertile, but there is just no way they will understand all the facets of infertility with society's current perceptions.

I'm sure by now you have all read PJ's article in the New York Times. And while the ignorant comments made my blood boil, it simply didn't surprise me. Infertility just has ~not~ been in the public eye for long enough yet. The public needs education and thankfully, it's starting. But I know we're not going to get people to understand unless we continue to try to explain things to them.

When we hear a naive response/question/comment, we need to take time to educate. Don't shrug off someone's ignorance. Teach them. Sure, the comments usually take us by surprise and hits our heart strings. But use that emotion in a constructive way. If a friend tries to support you when you are bummed out over a failed cycle and they say "Well, there is always next month!" or "Trying is the fun part!" or "It'll happen when the time is right.", take a moment to explain how much infertility takes out of you. Keep it simple if you'd like or sit her down and take 20 minutes.

But don't keep quiet.

If you take a moment to explain how all encompassing infertility really is. And while you know there is next month, you are in pain right now. Explain the appropriate response is "I'm sorry". If you do this, you may be helping each and every infertile woman your friend may come in contact with in the future. While your friend may not suddenly get all the ins and outs of the psychology on infertility, the next IFer with a failed cycle she talks to will get an "I'm sorry" in response. What a great first step to understanding.

Think of how long it took people to understand HIV/AIDS. Parents used to pull their children out of school if there was an HIV positive child in the school. They thought sharing a lunch table was putting their children at risk. And through years and years of education, most people understand the disease. Sure, there are a lot of ignorant people out in the world, but it's getting better. And people's response to Infertility will get better to. We all have to do our part though.

I'm disappointed I gave up so easily with my RE and nurse. To help them understand, I'm going to write a letter explaining it a bit more. It may not change their minds, but it'll start their inner dialog. It's the best I can hope for.

Will you help? Will you take a moment to explain this to the next person who may say the wrong thing? You may not get a great response when you do this. Usually the person you have to explain this to had good intentions. And when people who were just trying to help get negative feedback, they naturally get defensive. I try to alleviate this reaction by saying "I know you mean well and I appreciate it more than you know, but I would like to explain ... " And of course, end with thanking them for taking the time to talk about something that's a little uncomfortable. Acknowledging you know their intentions were nothing but good really helps.

I've had some friends who have really surprised me and some who have disappointed. One friend, Trisha, acknowledged she didn't understand infertility and she actually went out of her way to educate herself. She researched it and even read an entire book! All just to be able to "correctly" support the very few infertiles she knew. You couldn't ask for a better reaction. On the other hand, I've been completely shocked by other's reactions when I tried to talk to them about their comments about infertility. I personally think the bad sometimes comes with the good and you just can't escape it. But I would rather have 9 outcomes and 1 bad one instead of not saying anything to all 10 people.

This is now getting in the "too long" category and I'll wrap it up. I just hope I've shown how just a little explanation from all of us can really go a long way. It'll take some time. It'll take some work. But we can do it.