Saturday, June 7, 2008

The "after bfp guilt" post ...

I want to say what all IFers feel the need to say once on the other side of the double line ...

I feel outrageously blessed my IVF/FET cycle worked. And while it felt like I went through hell and back for it, I know it was my own level of hell. I'm not comparing personal hells and I don't think it's right to ever compare pain. I personally think everyone should have the 'right' to judge their own pain by themselves - never having to hold it up to anyone else's pain chart.

Even though I don't compare, it's still very obvious there are people out there who have had it worse. And there are people out there who have had it easier. I will never forget how lucky I am, nor will I ever forget how hard I felt like I fought for this. My heart continues to break for all my girls out there, still fighting the fight. (And conversely, I still have jealousy over those who didn't have to fight for it!) If the aspect of deserving had anything to do with getting pregnant, I could list 50 women off the top of my head who deserve a bfp.

This leads me all to what I'm about to say ... I will ALWAYS be humble about my pregnancy. There won't be a day that goes by without me acknowledging in my head, what my heart already knows - the fact that I beyond lucky. I ~know~ something as little as a sneeze could have moved my position from two lines to only one. I know this space of double lines could have easily not happened. I didn't do anything special. I didn't fall upon the secret of it all. I simply got lucky.

I also am aware of all the things that can still go wrong. I know I'm not guaranteed a baby in January. I know I'm not even guaranteed to another glance at a beating heart when I go in next Friday. I've followed way too many of you ladies out there to think any other way.

But, for right now, I'm pregnant. And I'm happy. I choose to embrace the present and to love this little baby growing inside me. It was quite a roller coaster for me to get here, but after seeing the heartbeat, that was my queue to exhale. For today, everything is okay. No dwelling on the potential issues that can come up - just live for today.

Which brings me to my blog. I will continue to write about whatever happens to come up. While I'm not a newbie at the whole pregnancy thing, so I won't be going gaga over baby showers (won't be having one) or what kind of bedding to buy, I still will be talking about this pregnancy. I'm not going to forewarn anyone before it happens or password protect pregnancy topics. This is my life - the new life of nancy.

I did want to take the time to explain this though. I didn't want anyone to think I didn't think I was blessed because I didn't mention it in every post's opening line. Nor do I want anyone to think I wasn't being sensitive to those still ttc because I didn't "warn" the topic of pregnancy was going to be discussed.

Let me ask you this. Besides the clicking on a blog for the first time and simply not knowing the current condition of the author, you pretty much know if it's a pregnancy or ttc blog, correct? For me, I have a list of favorites. They all started out as "TTC" and as they became pregnant, I moved them over to a "pregnant" favorites folder. Then, as they gave birth, one more folder was created called "parenting". So I ~know~ when I'm going to a pregnancy blog. Once there, I didn't feel I ever needed to be warned the author was going to speak of her pregnancy because I pretty much expected it due to the nature of the author's life. It's like walking into a locker room and expecting everyone to give me notice that they will be getting undressed. If I didn't want to chance seeing a naked woman, I'd of simply skipped going into the locker room.

For those of you whom do give this warning to your readers - I find nothing wrong with doing it. And most of you are probably in a different category than myself - as you most likely have a huge reader base, whereas I don't. The point of even bringing this up was just to explain why I wasn't going to do it. That's all.

I know I'll be losing a lot of the readers I once had, but it's something I totally understand. Just a few months ago, I fessed up to not being able to read any of the blogs listed in my "pregnant" folder. I wouldn't expect anyone to do any more than I did!

While I won't be "24x7 pregnancy! All the time!", it will be talked about. I'll also continue to talk about all the things I like to talk about - you know, like getting punched in the face by random people. Or the escapades in brazilian waxing. I do hope you stick around, but I will understand if you can't.

During my self professed abstention of pregnancy blogs, I still secretly read them every now and again. Looking back, I wish I would have let these ladies know I was keeping up with their words. Even a simple comment consisting of a smiley face would have shown these women that their words were still being read. I've seen ~so~ many blogs lose ~so~ many readers once the thrill of the bfp dies down. But maybe they aren't. Maybe the readers are still there - maybe they just aren't commenting. But to the blog author, they don't know this. They only see the link "0 comments" when they check in.

The change in pace can be hard. Think of going through any treatment cycle where you would get daily blood draws, ultrasounds, injections, etc. And then it all culminates with ET (or IUI, etc) and then it all stops. The 2ww was always the hardest time for me not because I was holding my breath to see the results of my poas frenzy, but because all my activities just stopped.

And this is how I assume it will feel when/if I lose my readers. So if you are one to stop reading once someone moves to the next phase, come back for an occasional visit. The author may still be able to keep your attention. Maybe not, but it's worth it, isn't it?

35 comments:

Lilith Silvermane said...

I will continue the posties.. because I love reading what you have to say. You don't seem like the type that would take this beautiful new life for granted!

I don't care what your write about, just knowing you, your family and the newest addition are happy, is enough.

Rachel Inbar said...

I'll be hanging around, hoping to hear more and more happy things.

Tricia said...

Thanks for the comment on my page about the thin lining. I really, really appreciate it! I just hope it thickens up on its own. I was so surprised when they told me it was thin that I didn't even think to ask the number. I didn't know anything about thin linings!

Congrats on your BFP! I am kind of new to blogging so I don't understand why you warn about a pregnant post. Enjoy pregnancy blogging!!!

The Captain's Wife said...

Looking forward to follow you on your journey!

jenn said...

I agree with your thinking on the pregnancy mentioning. I know if I am ever in your same position it will be the same- anyone who reads me will most likely not be clicking on for the first time. I know you are pregnant & expect to hear about it- if I can't handle it that day I won't go. I don't expect people to change how they want to post for me- it is a personal blog after all!

But you know I'll always come around- long after the bfp thrill dies down!

chicklet said...

I'm doing the same thing with my blog in that I'm not always talking IF anymore - sometimes I can't, and if it's my blog, I'm going to write what I want to. So far though, I don't think I've lost too many, and I've gained others. The comments vary, but check your sitemeter and you'll know we're still around even if we can't say it.

Anonymous said...

I'm not pregnant...that I know of, but I have been trying for almost 1year. I WILL still be reading your blog. 1. It's funny and i like your writing style. 2. I've learned a ton of information from you and by reading things you have gone thru has helped me to learn about being and getting pregnant.(i have not been labeled as infertile or as having fertility problems...haven't gotten that far)
Anyways just wanted to say i will be reading what is going on with you. Hope you don't mind

Oh, i did post you a ? on the first tri. board.

Jenny (jcoin)

Heather said...

Nancy,
I will continue to read your blog and post comments too. I am so happy for you! I too am "trying" to give my girls a sibling too. We are just starting out. I wish you a happy and healthy 9 months! Enjoy this time....you deserve it!
Heather
(awaitingnangel- Webmd)

Anonymous said...

Nancy,
Just wanted you to know that I havent stopped reading your blog. I actually look forward to it everyday. I plan on keeping up on your pregnancy and wish you the best of luck! Cant wait to see some baby pics! I havent posted to you like I thought I would. Bascially because I didnt want to bug you about it. A little update on me... I had an IUI this C. I'm 8DPO and trying to stay positive. Post coital came back pretty bad so we are going to be doing IUI's followed by IVF if this doesnt work I guess. Anyway. I miss your feedback and I hope to be over on the pg boards soon. Good luck hun!!! -JaymeN7 (TTC 6+ on Web MD)

Jessica said...

HUGS. looks like u've been busy typing. :) so glad to see u doing and feeling so much better. LOVED those pictures, Nancy. just lovely. and just a tidbit.. both my boys had 140-150HR in womb. ;) hope u get what u are hoping for. Congrats again. HUGS

AlmostMrsJoyner said...

I love your blog and will continue to read. You shouldn't have to "warn" people about your pregnancy. It's something to be celebrated, not something to have to "worry" about offending others when you talk about it. So there's my two cents.

DC said...

I, for one, will be sticking around. Congrats on the pregnancy!

Samantha said...

It's a funny club, isn't it - where to reach the desired goal, you can feel like you're being kicked out. Your blog is for you to write about what you need to, and as you said, readers who aren't in a space to handle pregnancy right now might take a step back. But I think the IF community is big and strong enough to embrace everyone in its midst.

Queenie. . . said...

I like to read even after people get pregnant. . .it's what gives me hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Good luck!

Anonymous said...

:)

Geohde said...

No explanations required. Really.

J

Anonymous said...

Hey Nancy!
Im still reading too. Im so happy for your BFP and cant wait to follow you on this journey of your new lil one. Hope things are going well for you! Take Care.

Aubrey

ksmommy27 from Webmd

Morrisa said...

Your post is very similar to one I wrote a couple of weeks ago. I did notice that some people stopped reading and even though I didn't want it to it still hurt. I also don't warn people when I talk about my pregnancy. I'm here and reading!

Jewels said...

What Jenn said ;)


Had another dream about you last night, you showed up at my house with the new bundle, so In my dream, this baby makes it to January :)

Topcat said...

I'm always here reading ... always was! I didn't comment much, because I didn't want you to feel like you had to comment back (on a pregnancy blog).

But fuck it was nice to read your recent comments, Nancy. You are one cool chick.

(ps I suspect you will always have a TON of readers!!)
xoxoxox

Jen said...

My philosophy on blogs is that they are about you, meaning that you get to write about what is relevant to you at that point in time. Yes that means that as you go through transitions, your readership might change, but I think we all understand that. I never minded when I stopped getting as many posts from IF-ers still trying, as long as they didn't mind that I still stop by their blogs to root them on.

trisha said...

As a blog owner, i always try to comment when i read a blog.

Jen_1980 said...

I know people with children that don't truly appreciate the blessing and miracle they have. You deserve your BFP and growing LO and not just because it was a lot of work to get it but because you really want a child and will never take it for granted.

I'd like to read what some of your opinions are on some parenting issues. Ie CIO, BFing and how long, Co-sleeping, etc.

Agata said...

It's really hard to be on both sides. I know I lost a few good friends when I finally got my BFP because, in a way, I left them behind... (((hugs))) I know I'll still be following your pregnancy and I look forward to it!

BethH6703 said...

I have to say, I was a little bit peeved that you even felt the need to write this post - so peeved that I started my own ranty post about it. And then stopped it. Because really, I don't know how it feels - what that "survivors guilt" is like.

You know I'll still be reading tho, and opening my big ol' mouth up in your comments section. Because, well, that's what I do!

Chas said...

I'm happy to hear that you're going to continue posting and that those posts will be open and honest. Even before we were successful with IVF, one of the things that I hated the most about infertility blogs was that so many of them just stopped blogging once they got pregnant. Yes, I was a little jealous sometimes, but I always wanted to know what happened in the end.

Robyn said...

New pregnancy blog to tough to read when you're TTC? On the contrary, Nancy... you give us all hope! Couldn't be happier for you - will continue to check in, despite the warning ;)

Morgan said...

Yeah the "0 comments" part sucks, i know.

starsgoblue said...

I'm older and have three older children so most of these infertility blogs are new to me. I think you should just write what you want to write about and not worry about pleasing anyone but yourself. I appreciate bloggers who are real and who keep it real.

Portraits In Sepia said...

Your blogs are a reflection of your journey and where you are at this moment in time. There are no rules. Blogs, like life, evolve and change over time. You've reached your goal and those self-actualized, mature people out there (here) will be happy for you and continue to check in even if they (we) are a little jealous and even if they (we) feel a twinge of pain. We are human after all!
Good luck to you and I will still be checking in from time to time.

Pamela Jeanne said...

Not need for all the caveats...you've always struck me as a woman who paves her own path -- and that's one of the attributes that makes your blog so appealing to visit. Enjoy this pregnancy. You earned it, baby!

p.s. I'll be coloring outside the lines of IF myself...just need to keep pushing in new directions

Anonymous said...

this post shows some incredible insight and sensitivity. thank you

Duck said...

good to hear you're going to keep on bloggin' I hate it when people step on over to the other side and evaporate, i'm begining to form the impression that pregnancy = avaporation...

Of course, if you don't hear from me for a while, it's just that things didn't work and I dropped off the face of the planet....

GP said...

Hey Nanc... you know i will be hanging around... i want to know how this story continues! ;)... i hope to be transfering over to the Pg world someday...or motherhood via adoption which ever comes first. miss ya on the boards but i know where to find you! ;)

Lynda said...

Great post. You're a great writer - I think your fans will be coming back for your writing/you - regardless of your BFP. I had a few tears in my eyes when I read your post - not sure if it's because I've hit a blip on my own TTC # 2 journey or if it's because you've offered me some hope. I will be dropping in to see how you're doing.