The "after bfp guilt" post ...

I want to say what all IFers feel the need to say once on the other side of the double line ...

I feel outrageously blessed my IVF/FET cycle worked. And while it felt like I went through hell and back for it, I know it was my own level of hell. I'm not comparing personal hells and I don't think it's right to ever compare pain. I personally think everyone should have the 'right' to judge their own pain by themselves - never having to hold it up to anyone else's pain chart.

Even though I don't compare, it's still very obvious there are people out there who have had it worse. And there are people out there who have had it easier. I will never forget how lucky I am, nor will I ever forget how hard I felt like I fought for this. My heart continues to break for all my girls out there, still fighting the fight. (And conversely, I still have jealousy over those who didn't have to fight for it!) If the aspect of deserving had anything to do with getting pregnant, I could list 50 women off the top of my head who deserve a bfp.

This leads me all to what I'm about to say ... I will ALWAYS be humble about my pregnancy. There won't be a day that goes by without me acknowledging in my head, what my heart already knows - the fact that I beyond lucky. I ~know~ something as little as a sneeze could have moved my position from two lines to only one. I know this space of double lines could have easily not happened. I didn't do anything special. I didn't fall upon the secret of it all. I simply got lucky.

I also am aware of all the things that can still go wrong. I know I'm not guaranteed a baby in January. I know I'm not even guaranteed to another glance at a beating heart when I go in next Friday. I've followed way too many of you ladies out there to think any other way.

But, for right now, I'm pregnant. And I'm happy. I choose to embrace the present and to love this little baby growing inside me. It was quite a roller coaster for me to get here, but after seeing the heartbeat, that was my queue to exhale. For today, everything is okay. No dwelling on the potential issues that can come up - just live for today.

Which brings me to my blog. I will continue to write about whatever happens to come up. While I'm not a newbie at the whole pregnancy thing, so I won't be going gaga over baby showers (won't be having one) or what kind of bedding to buy, I still will be talking about this pregnancy. I'm not going to forewarn anyone before it happens or password protect pregnancy topics. This is my life - the new life of nancy.

I did want to take the time to explain this though. I didn't want anyone to think I didn't think I was blessed because I didn't mention it in every post's opening line. Nor do I want anyone to think I wasn't being sensitive to those still ttc because I didn't "warn" the topic of pregnancy was going to be discussed.

Let me ask you this. Besides the clicking on a blog for the first time and simply not knowing the current condition of the author, you pretty much know if it's a pregnancy or ttc blog, correct? For me, I have a list of favorites. They all started out as "TTC" and as they became pregnant, I moved them over to a "pregnant" favorites folder. Then, as they gave birth, one more folder was created called "parenting". So I ~know~ when I'm going to a pregnancy blog. Once there, I didn't feel I ever needed to be warned the author was going to speak of her pregnancy because I pretty much expected it due to the nature of the author's life. It's like walking into a locker room and expecting everyone to give me notice that they will be getting undressed. If I didn't want to chance seeing a naked woman, I'd of simply skipped going into the locker room.

For those of you whom do give this warning to your readers - I find nothing wrong with doing it. And most of you are probably in a different category than myself - as you most likely have a huge reader base, whereas I don't. The point of even bringing this up was just to explain why I wasn't going to do it. That's all.

I know I'll be losing a lot of the readers I once had, but it's something I totally understand. Just a few months ago, I fessed up to not being able to read any of the blogs listed in my "pregnant" folder. I wouldn't expect anyone to do any more than I did!

While I won't be "24x7 pregnancy! All the time!", it will be talked about. I'll also continue to talk about all the things I like to talk about - you know, like getting punched in the face by random people. Or the escapades in brazilian waxing. I do hope you stick around, but I will understand if you can't.

During my self professed abstention of pregnancy blogs, I still secretly read them every now and again. Looking back, I wish I would have let these ladies know I was keeping up with their words. Even a simple comment consisting of a smiley face would have shown these women that their words were still being read. I've seen ~so~ many blogs lose ~so~ many readers once the thrill of the bfp dies down. But maybe they aren't. Maybe the readers are still there - maybe they just aren't commenting. But to the blog author, they don't know this. They only see the link "0 comments" when they check in.

The change in pace can be hard. Think of going through any treatment cycle where you would get daily blood draws, ultrasounds, injections, etc. And then it all culminates with ET (or IUI, etc) and then it all stops. The 2ww was always the hardest time for me not because I was holding my breath to see the results of my poas frenzy, but because all my activities just stopped.

And this is how I assume it will feel when/if I lose my readers. So if you are one to stop reading once someone moves to the next phase, come back for an occasional visit. The author may still be able to keep your attention. Maybe not, but it's worth it, isn't it?