Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Home Births. They honestly make me mad.

The title says it all. I think allowing anyone to have a home birth these days is an utterly ridiculous concept. Midwife assisted or not, to me, it's simply too risky.

Okay, okay - I know I've already pissed off many people. But it's my opinion. If you are one of the people who got pissed off, think of it this way - you think it's ridiculous so many women have hospital births, right? Well, I feel the exact same way, we're just opposite. One of those "I'll have my opinion, you have yours."

But this is my space to rant and rave if I want to, so I'm going to throw down my opinion.

I understand there is way too much medical intervention with births now. Most women just have too much interference, c-sections, etc. But ... it's their choice. They could have gone to a birthing center and requested a natural birth with the assistance of positioning, water, walking, whatever. Just because it's a hospital doesn't mean you will be strapped down to a board to allow the medical staff do whatever they want to you.

I also understand how a home birth can be the most personal experience ever. You are totally in charge. You can birth your own child into a bathtub. You can play music and light candles and bring your baby into the world however you want to. I definitely see the magic in this situation. And it's something you really just can't get at most hospitals. I get this. I do.

What I do not get is why anyone would put their child are risk. For the purpose of this post, I did a bit of research and looked into some professional medical studies. These are random stats I pulled from medical sources, so I am not saying these are the be-all-end-all statistics. But for sake of what I'm talking about, it's good enough.

Note: I was very careful to not use any statistics from "pro home birth" or "anti home birth" groups, because their data is skewed. For instance - one pro home birth group mentioned more babies died during birth by a physician than a midwife. But what's not taken into account is high risk babies are usually not delivered by midwives, and have been referred to a physician from the beginning. Midwives tend to deliver mostly healthy, low risk pregnancies, so this is always something to think about when looking at pro-anything sites and statistics.

~ Women who gave birth at home had fewer procedures, inductions, epidurals, drugs, episiotomies and c-sections than the women in hospitals. (um, "duh"?)
~ There are 40% more complications for unassisted births.
~ .025% of babies die during (or immediately after) birth at hospitals.
~ .125% of babies die during (or immediate after) home births.

Did you catch the last 2 statistics? FIVE times more babies die from childbirth at home than in the hospital. In googling, I was appalled how many babies died from drowning at home water births. There were pages and pages of results. Then there were the cord issues and baby getting stuck in birth canal and breech babies dying during delivery. These are all normal risks any woman takes when giving birth, but the bottom line is - it is usually caught faster. And if something has to be done, like an immediate c-section where you have only 2 minutes to get the baby out alive, being ~in~ a hospital is going to give you that chance of getting your baby out alive.

I understand the risk of fetal demise during birth is low. With numbers like .025% and .125%, the chances you'll have a live baby are 99.975% and 99.875% respectively. Personally, I just couldn't chance it.

How could I live with myself if my baby died from a result of wanting a home birth? In one of the
results I read from my google search on home birth references, I read that in choosing home birth, one of the prerequisites is having a partnership strong enough to be able to live through fetal demise without blame in the process or one another. Wow. But it makes sense. If your baby dies at the hospital, you are probably going to be full of blame at the hospital and/or staff. But if your baby dies from a home birth, you are not going to have anyone to blame but one another, so this particular home birth group discusses this before hand. Quite smart actually.

I do feel compassion for the women who want to have their own birthing experience. I do get how so much is taken away from the experience when at a hospital. Even if you have a strict birthing plan, docs and nurses do tend to push for all kinds of medical things. The only way you can ensure you will be listened to 100% is to have a birth away from these people, which then you are risking your baby's life. Ugh. I guess I would just try to go to a birthing center where the rooms try to give you the feel of home. No medical type beds. No medical equipment. It tries to imitate what your own home would feel like, allowing you to bring in anything necessary. The problem is these types of centers are not available everywhere.

For those choosing a home birth despite the risks, I say good luck. 99.875% of you will have a newborn in your arms after having the perfect birth experience, which is the experience ~you~ got to choose. I just wish .125% of you won't have to fall into the other side of the statistics. The unfortunate truth is there will be a group who will end up empty handed. 1% of all births in the US are home births. With about 4,000,000 births every year, home births account for 40,000 births. 50 of these babies will die. If these 40,000 babies were born in a hospital, 10 babies would have died. 40 mothers would have been able to bring their babies home instead of making funeral arrangements.

What I am about to say doesn't really fit into my post here, since I'm focusing on a the risk of fetal demise instead of delving into all the reasons why a mother would want to have a home birth. But when I discussed this topic on the "pregnancy after infertility" website yesterday, this 'argument' was brought up. When speaking of unassisted childbirth, "women have been giving birth without a hospital since the beginning of time" has been used as a reason. True. But did you know the infant mortality rate in 1800 was 50%? And the maternal death rate was 1%? In 1900, the infant mortality rate was down to 30% and the maternal mortality rate was .9%. Today, the risk of dying at birth is .025% for the 99% of hospital births and .125% for home births. And the maternal death rate is .0011%. Why do you think this is? Because we continue to do the things we did at the beginning of time? Or maybe it's because of medical advances. Hrm, I just don't know what answer is the right one.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Rapid Weight Gain

I had OB appointment #11 today and had quite a shock. I gained 8 lbs in 6 days!! Awesome, eh?

Here is the reason for the enormous weight gain though:

Check out them "ankles"! I have to put the word in quotes because I think they are my ankles, they just look nothing like what ankles should look like. I usually have these things called bones sticking out the sides, but they have gone missing. And check out those fat rolls on the tops! I literally have creases from the rolls - and I haven't been wearing socks - only slip on shoes all day. My toes are starting to swell too - soon they'll look like little snasauges if it continues!

oooo - I should submit my picture to a foot fetish website, eh? They are so hot.

~ My weight as of last week (35w) was +11 lbs from bfp, adding the 12 lbs from ivf/fet = 23 lbs total.
~ My weight as of this week (36w) is +19 lbs from bfp, adding the 12 lbs from ivf/fet = 31 lbs total!!

Rad. I can't tell you how hyped I am! So. My blood pressure is still up at 135/82. Top is lower and bottom is higher, but we're still in "not too bad" range. Due to the swelling and headaches, I have to get PIH blood work (pregnancy induced hypertension) tomorrow and hold onto your hats girls, I get to do a 24 hour urine collection! Woohoo!!! My results will be in by the weekend or shortly thereafter, depending on when I can turn it in, and we'll deal with the results then or at my next appointment. Until then, I am supposed to rest as much as I can, try to keep my feet up - especially when really swollen, stay away from salty food (bye bye sunflower seeds!) and increase my water intake to at least 100 oz/day. I made my appointment a few days late for next wednesday (I hate having monday appointments) so I hope to have somewhat of a control on the water retention by then.

Everything else was good. Heartbeat was a little tricky to get because Karl was moving around so much, making us laugh. I often wonder how much the docs have to fake laughing along with the mothers - because this stuff must happen all the time. Squirmy babies just can't be funny to them after 25 years.

Tomorrow is blood work. Wednesday is NST/BPP #14 which will also be ultrasound #24. Wow. I have seen this little boy more than I've seen my boss in the past 12 years. After the u/s, we're off to Denver for New Year's Eve to see Flogging Molly play at The Fillmore and to stay in our hip fancy hotel - The Hyatt Regency. (fyi - priceline totally works. I bid on a 4 star hotel and got it $100 cheaper than the hotel itself quoted me on the phone.)

Time to go rest my ankles. Bah. Who am I kidding? Time to go clean the kids' room.

It's 2:58am and I just got done with the kids' room. I posted about it and put up pictures on the other blog (listed in my profile).

(updated) Poll for the "pregnant" (past & present) ...

This poll is for anyone who is or has been pregnant. Due to you can only select one answer, here are the rules ...

The poll is on the VERY BOTTOM of the right column. Just skip past everything to find it.

Question is ... For those pregnant directly from treatments what was the treatment that ~got you pregnant)? Only check what the bfp cycle was, not everything you've tried. If you got pregnant treatment-less, there are two "none of the above" options in the second poll box.

1. If you have had treatments in both successful and failed pregnancies, answer for the successful one.
2. If you've had multiple successful pregnancies, answer for the one that had the "biggest" infertility treatment, which is defined by you.

I know some conditions "fall through the cracks" here, but just use your best guess to define the answer I'm looking for. Pretty much, I want to know what what the "biggest" or "hardest" or "most complicated" infertility treatment did you use to get your hardest to get BFP.

By the way, I left out surgeries and procedures because that's not a 'get you pregnant' treatment. It could have certainly gotten your oven ready, but I won't say it's any of the 4 uterine surgeries that ~got~ me pregnant.

UPDATE - I answered questions in the comments AND I added another poll for more available answers. And I changed the rules to allow some "none of the above" options for those who didn't have treatment BFPs to still answer.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

I have dirty panties.

(topcat - this title is dedicated to you. Why? Because you asked ~"who talks about walking around naked but you" and now the question can be ~"who talks about having dirty panties?" And yes, that would be me.)

I just went made a post christmas excursion to the mall so I could pick up a new belly button ring. My belly piercing hole needed some room to stretch beyond the distance provided by the horseshoe I had in. I tried to put in a slightly curved barbell I had, but it was too short, pinching my skin in the end of the screw, so a new one was needed pronto. Instead of being a good girl and picking up the jewelry and going home, I decided to take a stroll.

Bad move. I bought two pairs of winter crocs for the girls (which I think are so ugly, but my kids love them, so I make them happy). I bought myself a new pair of ralph lauren sunglasses at sunglass hut (damn, they are cheaper online!). I bought a bunch of 2009 calendars at that weird calendar temporary store you find at any mall. I bought a cool wind chime minus the chime thingy at coach gifts. I bought two gooey cookies and an orange soda at the cookie place in the food court. And then I made the mistake of stopping in Gymboree. There was a huge bin sale with freaking ~awesome~ deals and I got karl some stuff, but I went in the back and saw the new (aka full price) line. It's monkey themed. Ugh. So I got 2 items which probably cost more than the huge bag of sale stuff I got.

And how does dirty panties work into this shopping spree? During my gymboree shopping, I felt something. Something weird. Something possibly wet. I excused myself to go visit the restroom. Low and behold - I think I have lost my first piece of mucus plug. Jeez, can they have a worse name for that? Regardless of how gross it is, it's the first time in any pregnancy I have seen it. I was closed up tight until 39 weeks with both the babies, so this could be good news. It could mean I'm dilating the teeniest bit. It could mean my cervix is starting to soften. I was woken up all night with contractions (not painful, but pretty strong braxton hicks contractions) so maybe maybe maybe. I still have to let this little man cook for at least another week, but I may actually have progress by my first internal at 38 weeks.

So "yay!" for dirty panties!

Weird dreams and porn.

I had a night full of weird dreams. Apparently I wanted to buy a shark. A great white. They come live from the store but I think I wanted to eat it or something, because I was worried I wasn't going to be able to slaughter it correctly. It ended up costing too much though - $500.49 for the shark itself, but then I was going to have to hire a tribe of indigenous people (indigenous to where, I'm unsure) to perform a ceremony on the shark before I would be able to purchase it. I decided that was just too much to spend and I passed.

The dream was also part nightmare, as someone was trying to "get" me in the classic way my dreams always go (I'm in the house and know someone is trying to get in, but I can't see them nor stop them. Then the lights go out and I can't turn them back on, so everything is in shadows.) It took place in my parent's house - the one they had while I was in Jr High and High School, as the venue of where many of my dreams take place. Another recurring theme was I tried to make something to eat, but all the food in my parent's kitchen was rotten.

It had new elements too. One was I had to wipe Allison's butt in the bathroom which was mine in jr high and high school, except the inside of the bathroom was totally different. I couldn't get her clean so I put her in the bathtub. While she was in the bathtub, Tom's late grandmother came in and she looked ~so good~ (she had been going downhill for years before her death, so we saw the progression of death) and she said something that now is VERY weird. She said "Sometimes all you need is a hot bath and a vicodin to make everything better" - meaning that's what she just did to make herself look and feel so good.

Why is that weird?

Because of this post from The Captain's Wife. It was something I read last night and for some reason, I dreamt about it. But that is NOT what was weird. I bring in my reality into dreams all the time. The weird thing was this ... if you would read the comments for my last post about grammar, She dreamed about MY post last night too. Neither of our posts were anything exciting enough to dream about, but we both dreamt about eachother's words. How fucking strange is that??

Warning for anyone who may stop by my house ... (laurel, i guess this only applies to you). I'm on a naked kick. The kids are out of the house and I've been naked since yesterday afternoon. I am wearing panties as I don't think anyone should be sitting around on their furniture on bare asses. Laurel and her husband are those types of friends who never need to knock, even when coming unannounced. They can just walk right in. And they will be in for a little more than they bargained for if they walk in now. I'm trying to make sure the door is locked, but Tom uses the front door too, so I can't guarantee it.

It all started because I put some lotion on. I ended up taking off everything to get the full body slather going on and due to the lotion being a thick cream, I didn't put my clothes back on right away. And then I realized how great it feels to be naked. And there you have it. I'm a born again nudist. (I guess I'm not actually a nudist since I wear panties, but close enough for me, so I'm going with it.) I used to walk around naked all the time when I moved out of my parent's house, into my boyfriend's apartment. But I think I did it more then to just constantly tease him with my bold nakedness. And that I was a little self conscious due to my boy-like body, so I was basically forcing him to notice me. Now I'm doing it strictly for the comfort, as there is no compliments to fish for with a body like mine right now. Not that I think I'm ugly - I'm simply not "sexy" at the moment. I feel ultra feminine, but let's just say I'm not expecting to catch my husband's "omg, let's do it now" look from my naked spectacle.

blogger help?

(update - yes, I know I can check to have all follow up comments emailed to me. And I know I can go to their profile to get their email. I was just wondering if there was a setting somewhere that I could click an "email" option from the comment itself.)

Does anyone know of a setting or way I can respond via email to a comment left on my blog? I know other blog formats do this (wordpress maybe?) because I get email responses to comments I leave on other people's blogs. I would love to know because I have three problems.

1. I commonly ask questions when leaving comments. But I rarely remember which blogs, out of my 200 or so current subscriptions, I have left questions on. I know I can check the "email follow-up comments to ..." option, but then I would get an email for each comment left on that blog, not just the author's response to me (which, I might add, doesn't always happen when I DO remember to check later. Hint for bloggers - answer questions! Although I'm being kind of lame to request this because I'm admitting I don't always remember to go look for the answers.)

2. Pretty much the same issue as my first, but it's the other way around. When someone asks ~me~ a question, I always try to answer it in another comment, but since I know I have a problem with remembering to go look for answers to my own questions, I'm assuming others have the same issue.

3. Again, same issue, but this time it's with simple responses to someone's comment. I quite often respond with a follow up to some comments and have no way to tell the person I am responding to their comment besides physically going to their blog and letting them know about it. I would love to be able to just email them, like others do for me. Depending how important it is, I will go notify them via their blog or by going to their profile and finding their email, but many people don't have their email listed.

So - is there a setting for this or any way to accomplish this function ~without~ setting up a new blog somewhere else? Please let me know!

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Why do some people own dogs? Or have no interest in grammar?

This is such an issue of mine. People who own dogs but don't act as if they even ~want~ them. We have some neighbors who live a few houses down behind us (open alley, so I can see into their backyard) who own two dogs. These dogs are ~always~ outside. Always. And the smaller of the two, a cute little black/brown chihuahua), constantly barks. Being an open alley and having a chain link fence, the dog gets to bark at just about every type of visual stimuli, which is awesome.

Now, I don't mind when dogs bark. They are dogs. If something is going on or someone is walking by their property, the barking doesn't bother me in the least bit. But if you are going to leave your dog outside to bark constantly, why own a dog? Dogs are pack animals and want to be with their pack. And unless your name is Cesar Millan, your dog's pack is probably your family. They want to be ~with you~, not outside in the backyard for every waking moment. I love the people who treat their dog as family, because that's how it should be. Dogs need outside time, sure, but just locking them in the backyard all the time? Ugh. That's horrible.

While I'm on my venting trip, can I please urge the entire internet to understand the difference between 'lose' and 'loose'? Hey, I'm not the smartest one on the planet. I'm far from it. And you all know I have some terrible grammar usage myself - I'll be the first to admit it. But hopefully I use the correct word for the one I'm going for. I just don't know why lose/loose seems to be the most misused word out there, nor why it bugs me so badly. It's probably because it ~is~ my pet peeve so it is simply blaring to me.

Lose is a verb. ie: "don't lose your keys!" or "I would really like to lose weight." After you lose something, it's lost.

Loose is an adjective. ie: "These pants are really loose on me" or "I really need to tighten this knob, it's too loose."

People rely too much on spellcheck is what it is. There should be some sort of am-I-using-the-wrong-form-of-a-word-check. That would rule. A homonym check. But I don't think lose and loose are actually homonyms. To be a homonym, they would have to have same sound and spelling, ie: bear (animal) and bear (carry). A homograph have the same spelling, but not necessarily the same sound, ie: read (present) and read (past). A homophone has same sound, may be spelled the same, but have different meaning, ie: to, two and too or muscle and mussel. So I guess lose and loose are just two different words that people just fuck up a lot.

Ha. I just was googling and found http://www.loseloose.com/ which quotes "If someone has referred you to this page, you've probably confused those two very similar words. Don't be a looser." ~giggle~. That's fucking hilarious. A little excerpt:
  • You lose your job when you get fired for making silly mistakes.
  • You don't loose your job unless you release it from a cage.
  • You let your belt loose after Thanksgiving dinner.
  • You let your belt lose when it races with your tie.
In thinking about this pet peeve of mine, it would really suck to have this issue. There would be no way for you to know if you are using the right word or not. Spellcheck is cool, so it lets it go and you would have no idea. Really? How would you know if you were using the wrong word? I just did a little search and came up with a list of the most common ones. Are you guilty of having issue with any of these? I know I screw up affect/effect all the time. Hrm, and maybe stationary/stationery.
  • accept (receive)/except (leave out)
  • advice (recommendation)/advise (recommend)
  • affect (influence)/effect (result)
  • angle (geometry)/angel (spiritual being)
  • allude (suggest)/elude (escape, avoid)
  • allusion (indirect reference)/illusion (something not there)
  • born (given birth to)/borne (carried)
  • cite (mention)/site (place)/sight (vision)
  • cursor (computer marker)/curser (a person who swears)
  • dessert (food)/desert (abandon/hot place)
  • elicit (to draw out)/illicit (illegal)
  • eminent (noteworthy)/imminent (impending)
  • forth (forward)/fourth (after third)
  • forward (to the front)/foreword (the preface to a book)
  • gorilla (an ape)/guerrilla (a fighter)
  • heard (through an ear)/herd (cattle)
  • its (possession)/it's (it is)
  • lose (misplace)/loose (not fastened)
  • miner (of gold)/minor (a young person)
  • principle (rule)/principal (main person)
  • stationary (not moving)/stationery (what you write on)
  • than (comparison)/then (time)
What words do you confuse? Or what words drives you nuts when other confuse them like my own lose/loose annoyance?

Friday, December 26, 2008

(a teeny update)

I updated the I meant that as a joke! post below to include the pictures of how my new jammies fit me.

I meant that as a joke!

My back has hurt in a strange place and quite badly over the past week or so. It was under my shoulder and nothing seemed to help it - heat, position, muscle relaxers, etc. I have some vicodin which would help take the pain away, but as soon as the med wore off, it still hurt. It was way too high for it to be directly from the baby, but maybe referred pain. I joked that my rib was out.

I went to see my massage therapist for my bi-weekly massage and it was the first thing he focused on. 20 seconds into checking it out, he told me my rib was out of place! He said it was twisted upwards, causing a big ole lump on my back. He said it was quite painful to put back but it would be better to feeling the pain I was feeling. Then he got all nervous because I'm so pregnant that he called in the owner. She showed him a different technique and did her magic on me. It HURT! But, hopefully, I won't feel the pain I've been feeling lately. Please oh please let it be better! It's not a constant hurt, so I am not able to tell if it's better yet. It's sore, sure, but time will tell if the massive pain is gone.

Funny story about the belly here - so feel free to just skip the rest of this post if you aren't interested, as that's the last thing I'm going to discuss.

As I mentioned yesterday, we got a new camera for Christmas. This camera, in auto mode, will focus on the faces of anyone in the picture, using them as the focus points. No clue how the camera figures it out, but it does. Well, last night, I got a new set of pajamas from my mother in law and might I say, they are ~awesome~. I like the material. I like the style. She got them in my normal size and they are not maternity, so I don't really get to enjoy them right now. But after I got done putting everything away after the big 2nd gift opening last night, I said "screw it!" as I want to wear them now! So I put them on. They are a little tight over my larger butt and thighs and they have to sit under my belly. And the shirt only barely covers down to my belly button. But they fit I was able to get them on!

I wanted to get a picture of the hilarity of it all. I grab the camera, hand it to Tom and ask him to take a picture. He starts to focus and then starts laughing his ass off. I'm looking at him like he's crazy and ask him wtf? He says "the focus box is automatically centering on your belly". Nice. Even inanimate objects know what the biggest part of my body is.

Photographic evidence:

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Emilie, You will never be forgotten.

Emilie, who blogged at Lemmondrops, has passed away.

Her husband has posted a quote she wanted to share with us all after her death. Please visit and share your condolences.

blah blah Christmas blah Puke blah Sleep blah Food blah

I'm not big in the whole "joyous season" thing. Of course I hope everyone is doing well in whatever they are doing today, but you won't see a big holiday post here. (I've always been a bit of a bah humbug.)

Today is more tiring than anything. I just now sat down after 8 hours on my feet with only maybe 30 minutes of rest, which ended in Allison puking on me, pooling vomit in my bra. She was sick in the middle of the night and I finally got up with her around 630am. She suddenly realized it was Christmas and started checking things out, Ella waking maybe 15 minutes later. Daddy was woken up, santa presents were opened and the in laws were over by 745am for the rest of the gift opening. I made everyone waffles and bacon, cleaned up, got puked on a few more times, kept everyone comfortable while watching A Christmas Story, in laws left by 11am, I did a load of vomit laundry, laid down on the couch with my sickie poo, she puked all over me, gave us a bath, shampooed rug and couch, opened all toys/gifts, gathered all trash, fed older child, gave sickie a roll (which she has yet to throw up, but I'm sure she will), got oldest down for a nap, got sickie on the couch resting, organized things so new stuff has a place, put everything away, vacuumed behind the stuff I moved, and here I am, sitting down for a moment. I have some rolls rising for the big dinner which I have to cook soon, then I have to get everyone ready so we can go over to the in law's (aunt's) house for the big dinner. Presents are still over there, so I must bring the little one, but she feels fine except for the occasional vomiting. Hopefully I'll be able to just cuddle with her on the couch when we go there, as my back is killing me.

I did get a few gifts in which I'm excited about. A brand new camera which is what I asked for. It was the "big" gift from the in laws. I can't believe I can even ask for such a gift, much less receive one. They bought our old camera 5 years ago for Christmas, which seems archaic compared to the new one. My 'name pull' gift was a pair of black converse. Except instead of the regular canvas, they are leather. I'm not sure about them yet, they look cool, but we'll see - I'm used to the canvas. The present from my husband and kids is a pair of black uggs. Which is actually kind of funny. #1 - I have a thing with black casual footwear and I not only wanted these, but I asked for the black converse. #2 - Uggs are so fucking ugly. BUT, I live in colorado and when it's cold and snowy, I live in them. I don't wear skinny jeans, instead opting for boot cut, so my pants are never ever tucked into them, so that's good. Plus, I don't wear them with a mini skirt like you see the girls in LA wear them. For me, they are functional and honestly, the most comfortable shoes I own. Definitely my favorite winter wear. Well, the ones I wear everyday are the light brown ones and you just can't wear brown with ~everything~. So I asked for black. They are my one gift, as both Tom and I decided on a strict budget this year, him actually opting for something inexpensive for himself so he could get me the boots. What a nice guy, eh? I was actually feeling bad about his little gift and told him I could use my xmas money my parents gave me to get him something else. When I asked him what he wanted, he said if anything, he'd like to get a little more cash so he could get ~me~ more. Seriously. What a wonderful man. The one thing he wanted was to get me something else. The boots were enough though.

Sweet. My little one is sleeping on the couch now so I'm going to sneak off for a shower and maybe some xmas lovin'. (tmi but I don't know what is up with me. I'm a freaking sex fiend right now - we have indulged in one type or another leading to the big O at least 6 or 7 times in the last day and a half. And I'm so freaking grossly big-pregnant, by far from being anything close to being sexy. Hrm, go figure.)

I have to work tomorrow, so you'll "see" more from me sooner rather than later. I haven't been able to take the time to really read other blogs right now, but I've caught a few heartaches which I need to pay some attention too. I'll be back before too long.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

The question and answer post

This post will be updated as new questions are added to the last post or this one. (my last post was today's post, so don't let this one fool you into not reading the other one.)

~ "if you regret anything at all in your life, what is it?"
---> I honestly don't do regrets. I made mistakes, yes, but I try to learn from them.

~ If Karl would have been a girl what would the name have been?
---> Ruby.

~ I love all of your tatoos. Is there any meaning behind them? Do you have a favorite?
---> No meaning, just things I really like. My favorite is always my newest, so it's my unfinished sleeve at the moment. It's going to be so fucking awesome when it's done.

~ Since it is Christmas time,I was wondering what your favorite part of Christmas is or your favorite Christmas tradition you and your family have.
---> Everyone gets new pajamas Christmas Eve. And then my favorite part of the holiday is hanging around in the morning, ooing and ahhing over any new gifts and watching "A Christmas Story". I think my favorite part is going through all my gifts and getting them out of the package, washing new clothes, finding new places for the new stuff. The organization part.

~ If you could meet anyone (alive/ dead/ fiction/ etc) who would it be and why?
---> Kurt Cobain. Because he had a really profound effect on me growing up.

~ How did you get into heroin?
---> Funny that the last question was about Kurt Cobain. I honestly think I wanted to be a cool rock star. I new lots of punk bands and did the touring thing and I just thought it was like the coolest drug. I did "try" most drugs once, never liking many of them, but heroin was different. It made me feel like a God.

~ How did you get out?
---> One of the times I OD'd and my parents found me "dead", underwater. When I saw my mom's eyes in that I was killing her, not just myself, I quit cold turkey. Moved to Colorado to make sure it stuck.

~ Does the movie Trainspotting get into the depth of your soul?
---> I can't watch any movies about junkies. It bothers me that much to see it.

~ What is your favorite dinner to eat? That includes appetizers and desserts.
---> I'm a steak and potatoes girl. I love a good salad like one at Outback. Just a "normal" American salad. Then a rare bloody cold steak - a good cut. And maybe even a sweet potatoe on the side or veggies like asparagus.

~ How did you come up with all of your kids names?
---> I named Ella after Reese Witherspoon's character's name in Legally Blonde. Her name in the movie was "Elle" but my husband thought that was a letter, not a name. I added the 'a" and there it was. Allison was named by my hubsand. And Karl is the name of my best friend who died almost 5 years ago.

~ Who is your favorite tattoo artist in Denver? Can they do free hand work?
---> Don't know any denver artists.

~ What is your religious background, and where do you "reside" in your belief's now?
---> Grew up Catholic. Became Mormon once but didn't believe it, I only did it to appease a friend. Now? I'm a little bit Buddhist and a little bit agnostic. I believe there is something, but probably not some one big power being. More like an energy.

~ How much of a neat/clean freak are you?
---> I used to be extremely so. Where I couldn't relax at night unless I had the house perfect. With each kid, a little more was given up. I can overlook clutter now because I have found cleaning takes away from my time being a mom and wife. Don't get me wrong - my house is clean, as you won't find anything gross, but it does get cluttered. It bugs me still, yes, but sometimes I give a little bit of my annoyance up to hang out with my family. We do make sure we do a full clean (vacuum, mopping, toilets, sinks, etc) once a week.

~ favorite sexual position?
---> I do like to be on top in reverse cowgirl and also from behind, but my favorite is sort of missionary (I don't know the name). Me on my back and my hips up on a pillow, my feet either on his shoulders or legs slung over his shoulders, him supporting his weight with his arms while he's up on his knees a bit. Craziest thing is I can't have an orgasm with my legs up though - I get there, no doubt, but I ~have~ to put my legs down to finish. Something about being up there won't let it happen!

~ What is the one thing in your life you would change if you could- not talking about regret or changing the past- if you could change just one thing ~now~?
---> I honestly wouldn't change anything. If I did, I may not be where I am right now.

~ What scared you the most about becoming a parent before Ella? Was it worth the fear?
---> Making mistakes. But figured out I'm the only mommy she's ever had so that also makes me the best mommy she's ever had. It allowed me to trust my instincts.

~ What scares you the most about becoming a parent again now with Karl?
---> That the number of children now outnumber the parents. I don't want to lose control.

~ What do you most look forward to about meeting your little boy?
---> besides just the overwhelming love I'll have when I meet my son, I look forward to breastfeeding.

~ Is there a moment, or milestone that you dream about more than others?
---> In what manner? Pregnancy? Or life in general?

~ If you had to be stranded with only one person for a month, who would it be? (Anyone- alive or dead)
---> My husband.

~ How did you get involved in roller derby?
---> I turned 35 and felt suddenly old. Saw a recruiting poster and went. Simple as that! I'll be back mid March.

~ And here's one just for me and anyone else who happens to live in Colorado Springs: what are your favorite Springs hangouts?
---> Well, now that I'm pregnant, I don't have many! But I love Jack Quinn's and that's my drinking spot when I go get to go out. :)

My blog to-do list today ...

I had a list of things to talk about today which are all simply random. And a question for you at the very end ...

~ Christmas cards. I've sent them out every year since I lived on my own, which was 17. So yeah, I've sent out cards for 19 years! This year is being skipped in lieu of our birth announcements. So everyone who has sent cards, thank you! You are definitely on my xmas card list now, but this year is just one of those weird years which you won't be immediately reciprocated. Just wanted to tell you that so I didn't seem like a bad friend.

~ Someone asked me for my address and I totally forget who it was. Can you leave me a comment if it was you?

~ Where art thou Mareike?

~ I watch movies backwards. Always have, always will. I rarely go to the movies, so most movies are on one of the bajillion movie channels I have. And I hate when a movie sucks. So, what I usually do is catch the end of a movie (last 10/15 minutes) and if it seems like a good ending, I'll either watch it from the beginning ~or~ the last 30 minutes, then last 45 minutes, until I get to the beginning.

This works for me. And sometimes it works really well. I don't want to watch such a shit ending. So therefore, I didn't. For instance, a few months ago, I watched the end of The Departed. I still wanted to watch it because I liked the characters and storyline, but in knowing the ending, I knew who I shouldn't get attached to, instead of looking for ways the ending was validated in the characters. Had I watched it from the beginning, I'd of rooted for certain people and then I'd of been really seriously pissed off. Instead, I watched it knowing the ending and it was a freaking FABULOUS movie.

Last night I saw the end of a horrible movie on IFC which everyone just horribly died at the end. Fuck that. It was too depressing to even want to watch more of it. It was called "Its All About Love" with Claire Danes, Joaquin Phoenix and Sean Penn. Lame. Lame. Lame.

~ I got an award from Elana and Lilith. First of all, thank you girls! You make me all warm and fuzzy inside!

The rules for this one is to admit my 5 addictions. Lilith mentioned she really wanted to know my addictions, so I'll answer.

1. Food - sunflower seeds. Seriously, I cannot live without them.
2. Spice - Salt. Makes sense out of #1.
3. Drink - Irish Car Bombs. When I go out drinking, I can't ~not~ have one or two or three of these.
4. Drug - I'm a heroin addict. I've been clean from it for 12 years, but once an addict, always an addict. So I guess it still counts.
5. Miscellaneous - Hollywood gossip magazines. I don't know where this comes from, but I can tell you way too much about all the stars these days. WAY too much. It's quite embarrassing.

~ And today, I leave you with a task. I feel like answering questions today. So, could each of you leave a question (or two or three, etc) for me to answer? NOTHING is off limits and I promise to answer each one completely truthfully. There is only one question I can think of that is off limits, so if you don't touch upon that, you've got an honest view in to my brain. (I will start new post to answer questions as soon as I get 10. Well, ~if~ I get 10. Maybe I won't get that many - how embarrassing to say that then, eh?)

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Oh crap. The "b" word was mentioned.


It looks like I want to be like my due date buddy Hollie and have sudden high blood pressure too.

I went in for my appointment today and my blood pressure was suddenly elevated. It wasn't too bad, so nothing to worry about right now, but a sudden rise is a bit worrisome due to my past issues. My normal bp is anywhere from 115/60 - 120/70 and today it was 150/80. Like I said, not too bad, but it's never that high, so I've been put on watch.

With my first pregnancy, it started to get high and my doc put me on bp meds only to put me on full bedrest at 36 1/2 weeks due to blood pressure and induced me due to the placenta maturing too rapidly at 39w5d. It was weird to go on bedrest when I didn't "feel" any different. My diastolic number (the bottom #) just hit over 90 and apparently that's not good in my OB's book. I was happy it stayed in check until I was just about due anyway. You all know how I wholeheartedly wish all my babies stay cooking until they are "done".

So, the NP has declared me prehypertensive for now with a recheck on Monday. She wants to consult with my OB to see what they want to do - be it medication or, gulp, bedrest. Please oh please oh please no bedrest! I told her I simply can not go on bedrest because it's just too damned boring. Plus, I have VIP tickets to Flogging Molly next Wednesday! I'm going to be plenty pissed off if I miss that. But of course, if my body and more importantly, my baby, needs me to do it, I will.

By the way, have you read Chicklet's Build-a-Baby-Kit post? Sure, I was the one who made the initial dumb joke but Miss Chicklet made it fucking funny as all hell. Read it. Now. You'll be happy you did. :)


That all came out a little wrong. I didn't mean for it to all be about pregnant women, as I've just been noticing it all around. The examples I was able to use were simply the ones I could use anonymously, can't get too finger pointy around here. I guess it just overwhelmed me yesterday. I was just prompted with another one of those "I have a hangnail, do you think I should go to labor and delivery?" questions and it all came out about the preggos.

I have my '36 week' appointment today which in numbers is u/s #23, NST#13 and OB visit #10. I don't know why I keep track of the numbers, I guess it just seems so outrageous to have so many.

It just started snowing and it's a balmy 31 degrees. Such a warm spell after our high of 17 the other day. Looks like I should get out a mini skirt and bikini top. :) heh. Could you imagine how ridiculous I would look, even if it was freaking hot outside?

Not much else to say at the moment. Ohhhh... a big ~congratulations~ to Miss Denise who gave birth to Apple and Banana this morning! Her husband and mom pretty much blogged the whole thing, so it was cool.

I leave you with a question ... if you could clone yourself to have as your baby, would you?

Monday, December 22, 2008

Am I just being schnarky?

What's wrong with me lately? Am I just being schnarky? Or does a shit load of people just need to honestly suck it the hell up?

There is so much shit people have to go through in the world. REAL shit. For fuck's sake, Lemondrops just announced some serious fucking news. Jen's husband died and a few weeks later, she miscarried their child. M just lost her beautiful twin girls at 22 weeks. ~REAL~ shit is going down all around us, all the time. (I apologize to these 3 wonderful women whom I used as my examples. I didn't think any of you would mind, but if you do, just let me know, okay?)

Yet I see so many people bitching about the most minute little things without even a mention to "oh yeah, I also know my life fucking rules right now too". Look, I understand everyone's life has it's moments. And everyone is allowed to do some bitching. Hell, I bitch all the time! But I also try to keep in mind that the other 98% of my life is pretty damned great.

I don't know if it's just due to the holidays or what. But lately, so many women I "know/read" through blogs or message boards are just on the "whoa the fuck is me" train. OMG. From those who just can't say anything nice about their own pregnancies to those who complain 24 hours a day that their hips hurt to those who can't get over the fact someone called them "ready to pop". Let's not forget the 38w pregnant girl who is just "so upset" she's not dilated yet. Oh poor baby, you're not even due yet and you are upset about not giving birth tonight. Ugh!!

Good lord. Suck. it. the. fuck. up.

Look, I don't mind when complaints happen. Complain all you want! But dedicate your entire blog to how unhappy you are with gaining pregnancy weight? Oh poor you. YOU ARE PREGNANT! Can't you remember for a moment that's a good thing? I just am getting so tired when every. single. post. is a complaint. I mean every single one. I can't take it anymore. I'm having to unsubscribe to blogs left and right lately because I just can't take it anymore.

Now, don't get me wrong. I know there are exceptions. I know women who've had miscarriages or late term losses who are genuinely scared of their pregnancies. And I know some women who are clinically sick to death from their pregnancies. I get that. I get that it's emotionally impossible for them to enjoy a single moment and they have a right to complain daily.

But so many other people, honest to goodness, I have no idea where it comes from. I just think they need a shake into reality to see past some things. They are alive. They have a family. They are pregnant. Things are ~good~ people. Allow a teeny bit of sunshine in with all the doom and gloom. Just a few sunrays? Please?

Or maybe I'm just being schnarky.

A bit more from the last post.

When I asked if any of you had a plan, I should of made it clear I did ~not~ have a plan. I just assumed he would do what needed to be done. I saw him with his nephews and knew he would be good with kids, but that's about as far as it went.

My husband is a GOOD man. It's why I married him - he was the yin to my yang. I was the wild girl who needed someone who could not only chill my ass down in my ways, but who would also compliment me too. I couldn't just marry someone who was opposite from me, as I would have ended up hating it. I still needed to have fun, so I needed someone to meet me in the middle.

The one thing I noticed was he always put me first when it was necessary. For example, when he goes out with the guys or makes any kind of plans, he "asks" me first. No, it's not for permission, but it's out of respect. He's really asking me if there was anything else I needed him to do or be there for before making his plans. Rarely do I have a reason for saying "no", but it's nice that even after almost 11 years of being together, I can say "no" if I need to.

So in thinking of how he would be as a dad was just an assumption on my end. I just knew he would be and well, I was right.

BUT ...

And this is a big but ... (heh, that made me laugh) He had to be trained. Just assuming he'd step up and take care of things 50/50 was such a freaking bad idea, I can't even tell you.

During my maternity leave, I took all night feedings. Not a problem. He had to work in the morning, I didn't. But other than that, I just expected him to do what was needed. And there was a lot to do. Taking care of a newborn is fucking ~hard~ work. It's 100% constant. And what I mean by that is when the baby doesn't need your attention, you need to do things like, oh, eat, pee, shower, sleep, clean, etc.

Tom, my ~wonderful~ husband. The man who always was considerate and always did his share in housework and pretty much EVERYTHING, just didn't do what I needed for the baby. If I specifically ~asked~ him, he'd do it without issue. But doing it without being asked? Yeah, this was our problem.

I can't tell you how many times I broke down crying telling him he wasn't helping. And his response? "All you have to do is ask me!" but to me, that was yet another step. That was me having to act as his boss. I didn't want to nag. I didn't want to have to ask. And he just didn't ~get~ how frustrating it was for me. Once we had that big talk from my first mental breakdown, he started to just DO things. Yeah, he's still ask "hey, the baby seems to need a bath, should I do it?" and I would answer, but we finally got to the point to where he didn't ask me anymore. And THIS is what made him the dad I needed him to be.

So here is some assvice from me:

~ Explain, out loud, what you expect from him as far as duties. And how these duties may change if you go back to work or anything else.

~ I've seen time and time again how working men just don't understand why they need to take on baby duties, even if it's 50/50, when they get home from work. Explain that caring for a baby IS a job and you deserve a break too.

~ From early on, leave your baby home alone with your husband as you run an errand. I pumped breast milk early on for this very reason. Let him have time with the baby when s/he's AWAKE. Don't make it easy and only leave when baby is napping.

~ Allow him to make mistakes. He won't harm the baby, but he may realize putting his diaper on too loose results in a blowout. Let him clean up the blowout.

~ *** I think one of the best things for me was to have HIM take the baby on HIS errands. At first, I would leave the baby with him so I could go grocery shopping alone. But that wasn't really a "break" for me - that was me running an errand. Have HIM take the baby with him so you can veg out at home and watch TV. Or take a nap. This type of break was the best kind of break for me. I was home. I didn't have a baby I could hear. It was a true break.

~ Trust your husband with the baby. Babies are not that fragile. Trusting your husband by not looking over his shoulder, telling him what to do and correcting him will give your husband the trust he needs for himself.

I know it seems I'm talking way too much on this subject, but in my years on the parenting boards, I see more women frustrated with this very topic than any other. So many of us just assume how awesome our husband's will be with the baby simply because we see them with nieces or nephews or another baby. But when it comes down to day to day duties, daddies are just not mommies. Some are great, sure. But the majority are not - the good news is, they can be.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

I lost it. So let's talk about daddies.

The controversial idea kind of petered out. It was more of a whine/bitch that wouldn't of gone anywhere. So it was, in fact, a big tease without any release.

Instead, I would like to talk about dads and dads to be.

With my first pregnancy, my husband wasn't the kind to be at my beck and call for 2am ice cream runs. Yet, I wasn't the kind of girl to even ask for that. I am very independent so I pretty much kept doing everything I've always done. I continued to work out. I continued to lift things over 5 lbs (seriously, 5 lbs? That's like a box of cotton balls!). When I'd read or hear pregnant girls all upset about not being able to oh, bring in the groceries, you could hear my eye roll a mile away. I am a superstar at the grocery store. I have a 3 and a 4 year old and usually 2 carts. I'm 8 months pregnant and do everything on my own. The grocery clerk asks if I need help and I kindly say no, only to be told "oh, no, you are getting help" as she calls someone over. I actually have to argue that I do not, in fact, want help! I'm still perfectly capable.

Well, that obviously shows why my husband isn't the type to handle me like a fragile pregnant flower. Although, when I need a little bit of extra tenderness, I can still ask for it and he still gives it to me, it's just not something he expects to have to do on any given day. I am proud to have not turned into this little helpless girl who needs everything done for her.

When the baby was born, I took full responsibility for her care. But I assumed, rather wrongly, that my husband would just ~do~ what he needed to do. He was a smart man. I've seen him with his nephews. I knew he didn't have much baby experience, but he didn't seem worried. He definitely had the "learn as you go" mentality which I was completely okay with.

As the days and weeks moved on, I noticed I was doing maybe 85% of the baby duties. Since I was breastfeeding, I expected to do all of the feedings, but yeah, diapers, baths, laundry - none of that was done by him. Now, if I ~asked~ him, he was on it. He would actually do any sort of baby duty if I asked him. And I noticed it helped if I didn't hover. Let the man find his groove without being watched (which is how I would feel if my mil or mom would watch me do these things) and he found his groove quickly.

I let things go on like this for a few months. And then, b.r.e.a.k.d.o.w.n. !!! I was overwhelmed and I went off on him telling him I need him to ~just do what needs to be done~, don't wait for me to ask. I felt like I was always fucking asking and felt like a mother type nagging her son to do something. I didn't want that. I wanted him to just see a dirty baby and don't ~ask~ me if the baby needs a bath. Just give the baby a bath!

We had a talk about it and I found he was waiting for me to ask. And then when he noticed something to be done, he didn't want to do it since he wasn't asked, that that's why he started asking me. Eureka! We've figured it out! He had to understand I trusted him. If he had a question, sure, I'd answer, but I needed him to trust him instinct and be a daddy. And guess what? It worked. It sure the hell worked.

It took 5 or 6 months that first time for the complete transformation to 50/50 autonomous parenting. And I had to give up the power I wanted to keep over his at the beginning. I had to let him take the baby places on his own. I had to leave the house alone and leave him in charge. And you know what? It worked. He's a fabulous dad. I trust him with two girls while I take a week long business trip. I don't have an ~ounce~ of worry either.

Today, we approach if very 50/50. Sometimes we can tell when one of us needs a break and the other takes over and vice versa. I will admit that lately, I'm awfully tired and he's let me sleep in 99% of the time over the last 8 months. Bless this man. Bless him.

Anywho, he's a good man. A good husband. A good daddy. I couldn't of chosen better.

So, my question to you - If you are about to have a baby, do you have a plan? If you just had a baby, how's it working out for you? If your baby is already older and maybe you have another one already, how's it going for you? What kind of steps did you have to make? Or do those steps still need to be figured out?

Friday, December 19, 2008

ooo. i've got one

a kinda controversial one. But i'm too busy to type it right now. Hopefully in an hour or so!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Warning: Pics of the "bump"

Maybe a little bigger than a "bump". What do you call the next size up from a bump?

I usually don't post them right in a post, but this was kinda different. (and please, forgive my awesomeness of how I look. It's 8pm after a very long day.)

From the back, I don't really look really pregnant, do I?

Then a small turn gives it away:

And it just looks freaking crazy from the front, doesn't it?:

Forgive my display here, but I just found it was so strange how different I looked from the front and back. I mean, of course there is going to be a big difference, but I didn't realize just how much!

I ~puffy heart~ ambien.

Holy shit. I slept.

Well, I still woke up a few times in the morning, but I slept from like 11p-4am - 5 hours straight! I know I need to do everything I can to sleep now, as sleeping later is just something I won't be able to do. Not that it won't be possible to do, but I'll have a little newborn to take care of.

It's funny how things change with each pregnancy.
~ With my first, I only ate organic (at first until I started scarfing down tons of fast food) and I tried to not even take tylenol.
~ With my second, I took the meds I needed to take without worry, but I still tried not to.
~ Now, I'm taking muscle relaxers, narcotic pain relievers (as little as possible) and ambien.

If my 3rd turns out to be the drug addict of the family, I'm going to feel pretty freaking bad!

I've been so freaking busy lately, I haven't been blogging worth a damn. My readers sure are due some controversial topics, eh? It's not like me to be so boring. I'll try to do better tomorrow!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

No more crying wolf.

Jeez. I'm not going to assume anything anymore. I just get proven wrong time and time again.

I had my "35w" appointment today. My OB was in surgery, so I met with the NP. I needed to ask all the c-section questions I had (when? can we do the version with cord issue? etc.) and she said those would all have to be answered by the Doc. When she measured my fundus (36cms!) she said "I think this baby is head down. Either that or he has a really firm butt." I was like No Way, since he was Frank Breech last week. So she went and got the handy dandy portable u/s machine (u/s#21!) and what do you know? Head down and snuggled in. No more c-section worries (due to breech) for me. Well, unless the kid turns again. Who knows, right?

Everything else was cool. BP was sticking at 120/80, my weight was 166lbs (+9 from bfp added to +12 from IVF/FET for a total gain of 21 lbs.) I talked about my insomnia and my lovely, wonderful NP gave me some ambien. I'm SO excited to go to bed tonight with the chance to actually ~sleep~.

I have my 12th BPP/NST tomorrow which will make u/s#22. You'd think I was high risk or something. ~wink~. I'm going to ask her to measure Karl's head just to see if hanging out in my pelvis made it a tad bit smaller. Now I'm worried about delivering a huge head!

Lots of work to do, but wanted to give the update.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

A tagging and a stolen list.

I was tagged by Elana for something with pretty easy rules:
~ Link to the person who tagged you.
~ Share 7 random and/or weird facts about you.
~ Tag 7 random people at the end but I'm not going to tag anyone. Do if it you want!

So here are my 7 random/weird facts about myself:
1. I eat salt. Plain. I love it. Mmmm.
2. I never daydreamed about my wedding, having kids or any other type of "girlie" future.
3. The only reason I drink Guinness as my beer of choice is because when I was a beginner drinker, my boyfriend was a beer snob and said he would buy my beer if I drank guinness. If I drank anything else, I'd have to buy it myself. So I forced myself to drink guinness - but not because I wanted free beer, but because I wanted to be a beer snob too.
4. I have a secret I will take with me to the grave. My best friend doesn't know. My husband doesn't know. In fact, there are only 3 people in the world who do know. It's such a big secret, no one in my life right now even knows I have a secret. It's nothing that should concern anyone in my life, so I'll simply keep it, never ever to speak of it. (and if you know me irl, i'd appreciate privacy please. The last thing I'd want is speculations and talk.)
5. I don't have any bad/negative memories of high school.
6. There is a song by a punk band written about me. It's about a really terrible girl who thinks nothing of breaking a boy's heart. But it was written about a really unfair (to me) situation.
7. I'm obsessed with jackets/coats. I have something like 27 of them. It's ridiculous.

Next, I stole this one from Truck Driver Wife. Simply copy the list and cross out the ones you have done. Looks like I only was able to cross off 56 items. Many of them all had to do with traveling to Europe, so when I do that, I'll be able to cross a lot off at once.

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland/world
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang/played a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning (the infamous peanut butter ecoli. Wanted.To.Die.)
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables.
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise (not a long one, but a dinner cruise)
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Gotten flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Made a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

I live life on the edge ...

... because that's the way I roll.

~ I work for the man. The corporate man. Which means I haven't seen a "Christmas" party for years and years and years. Tom, on the other hand, works for ~a~ man, so they get a yearly celebration. I actually look forward to it. This year, I had a dress all picked out and everything. I ask Tom earlier this week "When is it?" and he responds "Oh, it's this Friday, did you want to go?" YES I want to go, as I go every single year! So he asks me if I want him to find a babysitter (we have a deal where I find the sitter for "my" events and he finds one for "his".) I get off work a few minutes early last night so I'd have time to take a shower and find him in his PJ pants, playing with the kids. "No babysitter?" "Nope. Want to go get a tree instead?" "Sure, Girls, want to get a tree tonight?" "YAY!! A TREE!!!".

A few minutes later the plan changes to him going by himself and leaving me home because I say "you can go by yourself if you want." I didn't think he'd actually do it though. Not that I have any problem staying home while he goes out, due to last minute plans, this happens occasionally for the both of us over the years, but he doesn't like the Christmas parties, I do. So that kinda sucked. He got dressed up, I went through my "regift" shelf and found something actually quite nice, wrapped it up and sent him on his cute way (he got dressed up and looked extra handsome).

I "got him back" though by having an extraordinary night. (just in case you don't catch it, I'm using loads and loads of sarcasm right now.) I cooked the kids dinner and then piled them in the car to drive through the "rich" neighborhoods to look at Christmas lights. I find it a bit strange to go look at other people's houses, but the kids liked it. Then I drove up Cheyenne Mountain to the zoo to show them the zoo lights, although we didn't go in, as it was freezing. We stopped at the top of the drive, looking over the entire city where Ella exclaimed "the whole city decorated for Christmas!" Then we stopped for ice cream.

You know, maybe it wasn't such a bad night. But that part of the night wasn't really what I was talking about. What's really on my mind was how I spent the next 8 hours after the ice cream.

I started by simply vacuuming. Then pulling out the extension to vacuum under the couch. Then I thought I should vacuum under the cushions. Then the cushions themselves. Then I noticed there were spots to shampoo on just about every freaking cushion so before I knew it, 2 hours have passed and my entire couch is taken apart and set up to dry after a complete shampoo. We have a huge chenille u-shaped couch with a chaise lounge on on side, couch, love seat and tons of pillows as the back cushions, so this was a job. It looks good though.

Tom had come home and had already passed out in bed with a belly full of food so then I started feeling sorry for myself. No lovin' from the hubby now, so I set myself up on the driest section of the couch to watch tv until it was time for me to pass out.

And then it started.

The worst case of heartburn I have ever encountered in my entire life. And no TUMS. Or anything. If I laid down I would end up with a mouth full of stomach acid which would choke the crap out of me. If I sat straight up, it would just burn. I thought it would go away, but it didn't. I thought I would fall asleep, but I didn't. I watched terrible movies all night. I tore my house apart at 4am looking for something to help. I ate baking soda. Nothing helped. Why I didn't just get in my car and drive to the store for some tums is beyond me. Instead, I had a sobbing fit around 430am and finally fell asleep at about 515am.

You're jealous of my awesome life, aren't you?

~ A few words about the budget post. My yearly budget was simply how to pay off our debt. I still will have to budget biweekly to make sure everything is covered. I didn't actually budget an entire year of spending! And the $500 handbags and $200 jeans? Don't go thinking I get these ALL the time. I'm talking like 1 or 2 a YEAR. Just the fact I like them, not that I go on weekly shopping trips!

~ Time to go get our Christmas tree. Ugh. I freaking hate decorating the tree.

Friday, December 12, 2008

The Budget is ~DONE~ !!!

Whew. It took hours and hours and hours, but I have completed our budget for the next year and I think it's something we can live with. It'll take some getting used to, but it'll work.

Let me take you back a little ways ...

Tom and I both make good salaries. Well, I make a good salary whereas Tom makes about half as much, but he makes some kick ass commissions, which brings his totals right up to mine. We're pretty much 50/50 in what we take in.

Tom and I also have some very bad spending habits. I like wear mostly gap/old navy, but I'll admit to my occasional $500 handbags and $200 designer jeans habit. Tom likes to spend just as much on his own vices (tattoos, sports memorabilia, shows, snowboarding, etc.). We are also both VERY guilty of compulsive buying patterns. It's not unusual for me to stop by Target for a set of towels and leave with $700 of "stuff". It's not unusual for Tom to stop in a sports store with a brand spanking new snowboard setup. We would just throw this on our credit card which we had always just paid off each month.

Add to our spending habits the other things we had to spend money on too. IUI cycles, IVF meds, the IVF cycle, FET meds, the FET cycle. The surgeries. The acupuncture. The testing supplies. The vitamins. The supplements. True, we were lucky to have some of this covered under insurance, but adding up all our costs, they still reached a little over $10,000. Then, of course, we were blessed with conception and I needed a new maternity wardrobe because I've never been "big" pregnant in the midst of winter nor "new" pregnant in summer. And then we find out we're pregnant with a ~boy~! That meant creating an entire new nursery for a boy! A new boy wardrobe! New toys fit for a boy! And like I said, we've got bad spending habits. I could have made due with a billion different choices to outfit his room, but all I had to do is simply "stop by Pottery Barn Kids for a look" and out I walk with $700 here and $500 there. I'll admit I'm terrible. Oh, and since the nursery took up our guest room space, I deemed it ~necessary~ to buy a brand new bed so there would be a place for guests to sleep (we'd take baby in our room during visits of course), complete with matching PBK bedding and comforter. And the matching PBK throw rugs to pull the whole room together.

Beyond these types of purchases, we also spend a ridiculous amount of money on "normal" monthly bills. Where I used to budget groceries and clip coupons, I'd just blow $400-600 on groceries every few weeks. Our directtv bill was outrageous with the payments for NFL ticket, UFC fights and MLB Extra Inning charges, not to mention the bajillion movie channels I deem "necessary". I have a storage unit I really don't need just because I wanted to have a home gym in my garage so I needed everything else out. And yet, I pay for a gym membership! So much just gets charged to us without limit.

We are simply spending way above our means. Oh yes. I knew this but we just continued to charge those cards for our shopping trips and use all our incoming cash on our monthly bills. I just assumed we'd simply buckle down, get back to a budget and pay off our cards.

I started to add things up.

And then I re-added everything up because, well, what I found just couldn't be right.

But sadly, it was right. We. Are. In. Debt. Big time.

My biggest surprise wasn't the amount of credit card debt we have right now, I was pretty much expecting that. (although I didn't think it'd be quite so much, but I can't say I'm blindsided.) But in working out our monthly bills which includes ~everything~ besides credit cards ("allowances", gas, groceries, daycare, household bills, mortgage, insurance, car payments, you know - everything), we only make $14 more per month than what our bills are!

Actually, that sounds worse than it is. When I figure our incoming cash flow, I do ~not~ count Tom's commission checks, tax refunds, my yearly bonus or the four "extra" paychecks we receive each year. This will be our saving grace, as this is what we'll need to use to pay off our credit card debt. AND, it's what we'll use to pay 6 months of a 50% increase in daycare costs for when all 3 kids are in daycare at one time.

I know I'm giving out way too much information. Not that I'm telling you any details of actual income dollar amounts (the spending $ amts were just to make the point of how fucking stupid I am). And I'm NOT writing all of this out as some way of bragging, in fact, it's for the exact opposite reason. I'm embarrassed. I'm really, REALLY embarrassed. And I kind of feel that in order to get through this, I first have to admit my faults.

The new budget starts immediately and I think I have a pretty good system. It's actually the system which worked for us in the beginning years of marriage, when we both made jack shit and we were saving for our wedding. I know the system works and I know how it can keep me honest. I know how it simply doesn't allow for cheating without having to fess up to any extra spending to make room for it. I also know I'm still leaving some wiggle room at the beginning, because it would be hard to move from spending freely to an immediate 75% cut.

I sat down with Tom tonight and explained it all. It's also printed out in black and white and displayed within our home so we won't forget about it. He's cool with it and I'm relieved. If we stick to my plan, we'll be 95% out of debt by 12/09. This means no new cars like he wanted for next year and staying in our little house for at least another year. But we need to do this. Especially if we want to provide the kind of life we want for our three children. This is big.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Well, that solves that. And Maternity Pictures (lots).

Warning. Lots of maternity photos of me only in a bra/panties below. Also pictures of children. So please oh please, only check them out if you really want to.

First, with everyone telling me to talk to the nurses, I decided to make a quick call to the birth center of the hospital I'll be delivering in. I talked to a nurse who not only was the friendliest thing on earth, but she totally knew what I was talking about. She told me their rule was that after a moment with mom immediately after delivery during the c-section, the baby is brought to a part of the nursery where only the ~one~ person wearing the band can come in, which will be Dad. He's the only one allowed to be with the baby until all is complete and the baby is brought back to Mom. Case closed. Whew. Although I already talked to my husband about this and he agreed to do whatever I wanted, it won't turn out to be a bigger issue if he's pressured when I'm not around.

So again, thank you for all your advice and suggestions. I will try all I can to get this little guy to turn, but if a c-section is the end result, I can live with it now. I still hope I can have a vaginal birth, but a c-section isn't so scary to me now. You girls all fucking rule. Really.

Now is where my warning applies. I don't want to split up the pictures between here and my other blog, so I'm just going to put them all here for the ease of posting.

The wife of my teammate/friend here at work is a budding photographer. She's taken pictures of my kids for the past 3 years. This year, however, was my turn and we booked her mostly for maternity pictures. I never had them done and since this is my last chance to capture my pregnant body, now was the time. Here are some of the proofs from the shoot:

I never realized how many freckles I have.

These were all taken at my house and I didn't realize we'd be using my bed as a backdrop. I'd of put the covers over the pillows had I known!

Could be anonymous, except for these pesky tattoos.

I like this one. I am very picky when it comes to pictures like these, as I think so many maternity pictures end up being cheesy. I bet these are probably cheesy to other people, but different when it's personal.

Oh boy. I'm large, eh?

Not too sure of this one yet.

Although it doesn't really show off the belly, I like this one a lot.

My family.


Same picture, just cropped and in black & white.

~giggle~. Rock on.

Ella Belle.

~Gasp.~ Okay, so I know I'm her mom and I'm not impartial, but this picture of Ella takes my breath away.


She loves the punk rock.

Me and Tom.

Okee Dokey - that's it for today. I've got to lay off blogger a little bit, eh?

I think that about covers it.

~Thank You~ for taking all the time to answer me. I think I got enough answers where I'm not seeing any "new" info anymore.

So I know what to so about the anesthesia and I understand about feeling tugging/pulling. I understand recovery. I understand when I can breastfeed (and really, not afraid of not bonding or not breastfeeding - that's always happened for us. Even after a vaginal birth, I only have baby for like an hour and then baby is taken away for a few hours, so I can deal.) I understand when I get to eat and drink. I understand my restrictions. I understand pooping afterwards can be a big deal. I understand I should get up as soon as I can and to take my pain medications.

The thing I do ~not~ like is the fact my husband will be in charge of the baby while I could be hours in recovery. NOT that I mind him having the baby first. I have absolutely ~no~ issue with this. None at all. I think it would be great for him to get the experience of "bonding first". Being a breastfeeding mother, I get to feel this wonderful thing with the baby (that makes it sound like I think formula feeding mothers don't bond. Totally didn't mean it like that.) and I see nothing more special for him to get to hold and even feed (if necessary) the baby first. It's okay.

But here's the thing. My husband is what you would call a Mamma's boy. He's an only child and his mother treats him as an only child. Still, to this day, he's the most important thing in her life. Which, I get. I do. I wish they both didn't fit into this stereotype, but I also knew what I was getting into when I married him. It wasn't some secret I had pounced on me after the wedding.

I come from a large family that simply isn't that close. I talk to my mom and dad all the time, sure, but I feel they are part of our "extended" family and Tom feels his parents are part of our "immediate" family. So things are hard for me, as they are hard for him. For instance, holidays, to me, are for immediate family. So for Tom, this includes his parents without a second thought. For me? I feel somewhat "intruded" upon. IE: Christmas. I think Christmas, now we have children, should be spent at home. I feel we should wake up and have our immediate family have Christmas morning together, alone. After a small celebration alone, I welcome extended family with open arms. Tom, on the other hand, wants to wait for his parents to come over to start any celebration. It's a small issue with us but we try to accommodate one another. I'm opening up to traveling for Christmas half the time, but the other half, I want "my" Christmas. But his parents simply are coming here. Like I said, I welcome them totally. They really are awesome in so many ways, but I still want a special time with just my husband and children. I don't even need to have an entire Christmas morning alone - but maybe the Santa presents alone with us. Then they are welcome. Tom is having a hard time understanding this, but he is at least accepting I feel differently.

Now that is explained, having him "in charge" of who gets to see the baby while I'm in recovery has me a little anxious. I have already told him I want him to keep everyone (including my family) away until I get my time. It makes me what to burst out and cry to think of anyone except Tom and medical staff spending any amount of time with the baby before I get my turn. And I know Tom. He'll be ~so~ proud and of course will want to share this moment with the people who mean the most to him.

And here is where I explain what I'm actually anxious about. If his mother does get to cuddle with my son for a good amount of time before me, I may hear about it for the rest of my life. Now, I don't think she does things like this on purpose, but she tends to bring up things that "hurt" me time and time again for years and years (because she thinks it's funny, not to actually hurt me). For example - She showed me a ring of her mother's one time. When she brought it out, she herself used a tone like she thought it was too much (like 15 large diamonds all grouped together). She made it seem like she thought this ring was just too much and looked for my agreement. So I stupidly said I agreed it was, in fact, "gaudy". But I thought I was only agreeing with her. Yes, my mistake. But apparently she loves this ring and now, for the last 10 years, every time she wears it, she tells everyone in the room how I called this precious ring "gaudy". I think she thinks it's just funny and doesn't know it hurts my feelings. I've tried to explain, but she hasn't gotten it. Nor does my husband defend me (not because he won't defend me, but he just doesn't see it how I see it. If I point it out to him, he'll be understanding of me feeling bad and he'll apologize and hug me and try to make me feel better, but bringing it up to her isn't something he'd do. It's part of the dichotomy between ~their~ only child and mother relationship.) So, back to baby. If she gets baby "first", I may hear about how she got the baby first, well, forever. She'll be proud to have had this special moment and she'll want to share it. But since it's something which is so important to me, it'll sting my heart to hear about it.

You see my issue now? I don't want to put my husband in an awkward position. I know not to put my husband in a power struggle between me and his mom. Yes, he would not put his mom before me in something I feel is important to me - he is married to me, not his mom - put it would bother him to have to do. I try take into consideration how important his mom is to him, so I normally wouldn't ask him of something of this nature. Nor is it something I have ever had to deal with as my mom would never even think to ask to hold the baby before me. His mom would simply expect to have this role and wouldn't see anything wrong with it. And really, I'm not saying there is anything wrong with it, it's just ~different~ than how I was raised. We simply grew up in differently. My parents raised me in a very "let her go and let her live her life" way and although they allowed him to be very independent, they were also very involved. So where I feel smothered, Tom simply sees a family that loves him. This ideology is very hard to explain to him because he just does ~not~ understand why I wouldn't want to have more LOVE from family. But to me, it's not about not wanting love, it's not that at all. As much as he sees "his way" as a good thing, I need him to see "my way" as a good thing. Maybe a compromise can be made in that ~if~ I get to have baby for a time right after birth, he can bring them in to introduce them for a few minutes. Just because I have a different way of feeling about this, I know it doesn't mean I need to get my way 100% either.

I'm very lucky to have parents of my own who I think rule and to have in laws who are so awesome. I know this. But as with any situation, it's usually not perfect. We'll work through it though. This situation is just going to cause me a lot of anxiety.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Okay, give me the lowdown on C-Sections.

I just logged on to write this post and the last comment from Izzy in the previous post started to answer this exact question. She's on top of helping me out, no?

I have had 15 surgeries where I went "under" with full anesthesia, so I'm not scared of surgery. But I've never had an awake surgery like what I'll have with a c-section, so that freaks me out a bit. It also freaks me out that I've literally had 6 epidurals (2 with ella and 4 with allison) and none of them worked - I felt some for a few minutes, but each one faded within 15 mins or didn't work at all. I don't know if this is the same type of thing you get with a c-section or not, but yes, freaked out I am. (ooo - that's a good impression of yoda.)

I pretty much know nothing about c-sections except they cut you open and pull out the baby. They probably sew you up too, as I don't meet many women with their midsection hanging open, so I'm going to go with my assumption being a good one.

So, tell me what I need to know. Here's what I want to know about ...

~ Could my non-working epidurals talked about above be an issue?

~ What's the recovery time? (how long will I have to be in the hospital? how long until I'm "back to normal?)

~ When do I get to breastfeed? (With both babies, they were breastfed within the first 10 minutes of birth)

~ When will I get to take "ownership" of the baby? (with both babies, I had them for about an hour, they went to nursery for tests/cleanup for a few hours, then I had them from then on.)

~ If I don't get to take ownership right away, who gets to be with baby? Will my mother in law actually get to hold/cuddle my newborn before me?

~ Do I get to eat? Do I get to drink? (afterwards - not before.)

~ What kind of restrictions am I looking at?

I guess that's all I can think of. Any and all comments/hints welcomed! THANK YOU!!!

I guess I'm changing the baby's name to Frank.

Frank Breech that is.

Little boy has gotten himself in a full frank breech position - his little butt nestled in my pelvis and his feet up by his face. Ugh. Although he still has a chance for turning, we all heard the "my baby turned at 39 weeks" stories, my tech said in this presentation, we don't have the best luck. Time will tell.

Everything was measuring within the same growth curve (30%) until we got to his head. Yeah, it's freaking huge. At 28 weeks, it was measuring 28 weeks. Now at 34 weeks, it's measuring 36-38 weeks. WTF? Tech said it was most likely due to not being compressed at all in the pelvis so it just is going to be bigger than normal. So that one measurement threw everything else off - overall growth is now at 54% and weight is estimated at 5lbs 5 ozs. But like I said, that can totally be off.

His NST was strange too. His baseline hr is usually around 140bpm and today it was over 160bpm, going up to 180 during movements. So I don't know what to think about that either. But damn, I'm sure he'll have to have a higher hr to support that giant head.

My appointment with the doctor isn't until next Tuesday, so we'll see what he says. I'm pretty bummed about a c-section, as I really really really don't want one. No, I'm not scared of one or think I can't do it, yada, yada. I just would really rather go into labor on my own. I don't want a birth 1 second before my baby tells my body he's ready to come out. I am far from the fence of elective inductions, so scheduled c-sections (for breech babies, not other medically necessary situations) don't sit with me well. I know if it's necessary, it'll be necessary, but I hope I'm able to schedule it out as close to 40 weeks as freaking possible. If I can even wait until labor starts, I'd be happiest.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

And now my worry shifts ...

I'm definitely anxious for tomorrow's ultrasound. I knew it was coming but didn't start being a bit nervous until this week started.

At 26 weeks, baby boy was at the 40th percentile for growth.
At 30 weeks, baby boy was at the 30th percentile for growth.

Now at 34 weeks, ~if~ he loses another 10%, things start to happen. If he's in the 20th %tile, my doc may or may not put me in hospital for monitoring. And he'll want to take baby soon, 37 weeks being latest. If he's in the 10th %tile, we're looking at a more immediate evacuation - being in the next week - or however long he thinks it'll take to make sure his lungs are good enough to be on the outside.

In looking at my pics, I don't see much change in size, so right now, I'm worried. Tomorrow's appointment isn't until 1pm, so I won't be updating until tomorrow afternoon.

I'm done freaking out.


Doc called back earlier today and had me run some "tests" on her to make sure it wasn't an emergency. He wanted to see her but had no morning room, so decided she didn't need to go to ER and she could wait until 230p. Although I was given list of things to look for so I could take her immediately.

None of those scarier issues came up and I am back from Doc's. Apparently, the neck pain and the pants wetting are signs of strep. Crazy. So throat culture was done and he'll call in the morning. Until then, just treat her with lots of love (and motrin and fluids) and we'll have the results soon.

Thank you for all the good thoughts! The thought of my baby having meningitis scared the shit out of me.

I'm freaking out

(children mentioned)

My youngest was complaining of a hurt neck. Usually I'll give an owie extra attention and kiss it and usually that's all she needs. After continued complaint, I decided on some motrin - as maybe she strained her neck playing. That was 2 hours ago.

She is laying on the couch with her hand on the back of her neck, crying. I called her pediatrician. They ask if she has a fever and I didn't think she did but I check. 101! How did I not catch that? They then ask me a few other questions, some yes, some no.

And then she says "Has she possibly lost control of her bladder or bowels lately?"

~gasp~. YES. My daughter has been 100% potty trained for well over a year. And in the past 5 days? 4 accidents. I can't even remember the last time she's had an accident.

So I am waiting for a call back from the doctor himself, as the nurse wants him to assess now. And google? VERY bad.

More waiting.

Maybe I should have put this on my other blog. Sorry.