A bit more from the last post.

When I asked if any of you had a plan, I should of made it clear I did ~not~ have a plan. I just assumed he would do what needed to be done. I saw him with his nephews and knew he would be good with kids, but that's about as far as it went.

My husband is a GOOD man. It's why I married him - he was the yin to my yang. I was the wild girl who needed someone who could not only chill my ass down in my ways, but who would also compliment me too. I couldn't just marry someone who was opposite from me, as I would have ended up hating it. I still needed to have fun, so I needed someone to meet me in the middle.

The one thing I noticed was he always put me first when it was necessary. For example, when he goes out with the guys or makes any kind of plans, he "asks" me first. No, it's not for permission, but it's out of respect. He's really asking me if there was anything else I needed him to do or be there for before making his plans. Rarely do I have a reason for saying "no", but it's nice that even after almost 11 years of being together, I can say "no" if I need to.

So in thinking of how he would be as a dad was just an assumption on my end. I just knew he would be and well, I was right.

BUT ...

And this is a big but ... (heh, that made me laugh) He had to be trained. Just assuming he'd step up and take care of things 50/50 was such a freaking bad idea, I can't even tell you.

During my maternity leave, I took all night feedings. Not a problem. He had to work in the morning, I didn't. But other than that, I just expected him to do what was needed. And there was a lot to do. Taking care of a newborn is fucking ~hard~ work. It's 100% constant. And what I mean by that is when the baby doesn't need your attention, you need to do things like, oh, eat, pee, shower, sleep, clean, etc.

Tom, my ~wonderful~ husband. The man who always was considerate and always did his share in housework and pretty much EVERYTHING, just didn't do what I needed for the baby. If I specifically ~asked~ him, he'd do it without issue. But doing it without being asked? Yeah, this was our problem.

I can't tell you how many times I broke down crying telling him he wasn't helping. And his response? "All you have to do is ask me!" but to me, that was yet another step. That was me having to act as his boss. I didn't want to nag. I didn't want to have to ask. And he just didn't ~get~ how frustrating it was for me. Once we had that big talk from my first mental breakdown, he started to just DO things. Yeah, he's still ask "hey, the baby seems to need a bath, should I do it?" and I would answer, but we finally got to the point to where he didn't ask me anymore. And THIS is what made him the dad I needed him to be.

So here is some assvice from me:

~ Explain, out loud, what you expect from him as far as duties. And how these duties may change if you go back to work or anything else.

~ I've seen time and time again how working men just don't understand why they need to take on baby duties, even if it's 50/50, when they get home from work. Explain that caring for a baby IS a job and you deserve a break too.

~ From early on, leave your baby home alone with your husband as you run an errand. I pumped breast milk early on for this very reason. Let him have time with the baby when s/he's AWAKE. Don't make it easy and only leave when baby is napping.

~ Allow him to make mistakes. He won't harm the baby, but he may realize putting his diaper on too loose results in a blowout. Let him clean up the blowout.

~ *** I think one of the best things for me was to have HIM take the baby on HIS errands. At first, I would leave the baby with him so I could go grocery shopping alone. But that wasn't really a "break" for me - that was me running an errand. Have HIM take the baby with him so you can veg out at home and watch TV. Or take a nap. This type of break was the best kind of break for me. I was home. I didn't have a baby I could hear. It was a true break.

~ Trust your husband with the baby. Babies are not that fragile. Trusting your husband by not looking over his shoulder, telling him what to do and correcting him will give your husband the trust he needs for himself.


I know it seems I'm talking way too much on this subject, but in my years on the parenting boards, I see more women frustrated with this very topic than any other. So many of us just assume how awesome our husband's will be with the baby simply because we see them with nieces or nephews or another baby. But when it comes down to day to day duties, daddies are just not mommies. Some are great, sure. But the majority are not - the good news is, they can be.