Thursday, May 28, 2009

Surgery #20, Here I come!!

My foot has been killing me from skating lately - the same place I had it broken and re-set 1 1/2 years ago - so I went in for a check up with my foot doc.

X-rays were taken first and the doc and I immediately sat down with them. To me, they looked great! But then he pointed out where my issues were.

Due to the repositioning of the bones, I have little space in between two bones in the top of the foot and they are pretty much just rubbing against one another. He told me how painful this is, which was nice he confirmed how I feel intense pain whenever there is pressure there (skating). He said we could go in surgically to "file down" those pieces of bone, allowing for more space between the bones. Or I could just use padding (which is what I have been doing) and, well, suck it up. That's what my gut told me to go with until he said the next thing.

"And one of the two screws we placed in your foot is loose and will need to be removed. I mentioned this being a possibility after the initial surgery (he did) and it's soon going to pose a problem for you. Lucky for you, I can take these out with the same incision!"

Yes. Lucky me.

They'll be calling me Monday to schedule my surgery. It'll be as soon as 3 weeks or as late as 6 weeks.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Babies in the REs office.

I was a patient at my RE's office, every cycle, for, let's see, 17 months straight? In my time, I got to know the staff (of course) and I had my favorites. I called my favorite nurse, K, the other day to see if I could bring in Karl for her to see. I asked when a good time would be, as I don't want to go in with patients in the waiting room, and she told me late afternoons were great since there weren't any patients really at that time.

Dumbass me just felt like 330p was "late afternoon" and stopped in. Before I opened the door though, I checked to make sure no one was in the waiting room. It was empty. Sweet.

K came up and held Karl. The andrology lab girl came up and so did one of the other nurses (with some waves from 3 other girls too). They were fawning over karl big time, asking questions and all that. The RE even came up and got a big hug and the nurses took pictures (don't they get this all the time?). We all talked some more and the RE had me come back to his office to see pictures of his new grandchild. Back I went.

When I walked back in the waiting room, I swung open the door back to the exam rooms and I saw it happen. Three patients were now in the waiting room and they all looked up at the door expectantly (you know you always do this when waiting for an appointment) and instead of a nurse calling a name, they saw me. And Karl.


I saw their faces and "the look" when a ttc-er sees a baby when they were not expecting it. At all. I felt so bad and tried to get out of there as soon as I could. But the nurse was still talking to me and I started babbling, wanting to turn and apologize to all those women. I raised Karl's hand and waved it and said "well, thanks for making me!". I then turned to the embryologist nurse and then asked her if she'll take a picture of the freezer for me so I could put it in the baby book to show Karl where he hung out frozen for a few months. I just kept talking as somehow me being a past patient would make it okay I was there. I then saw my exit and got out of there pronto.

I feel terrible.

Monday, May 25, 2009

A little advice ...

When your husband isn't too thrilled with you, do ~not~ accept an invitation to attend a party at midnight. And do ~not~ stay out until 4:30am.

It's just ~not~ a good idea.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

To interrupt the drama filled posts ...

... here is one with the doldrums of updating with bullets. (yeah, yeah, l.a.m.e., I know.)

~ I loved all the comments you all left on the past posts! I've read each and everyone of them.

~ As soon as I finish my todo list of a) updating both blogs and b) reading pam-a-lama's blog that I am highly behind on, more than usual, I'm going to go to each and every one's blogs who commented on the previous few posts.

~ don't you think chicklet is a badass for running a half marathon?

~ don't you think eden is a badass because she just plain is?

~ I'm so very proud of all the new mommies I'm friends with. You are all doing SO FUCKING GOOD at the hardest job in your lives.

~ I'm so very happy for all the new bfps out there. Some after so many IVF tries and some coming without even realizing it.

~ I'm so very sad for the BFNs I've been seeing too. Damn. My heart breaks a little more for each one I read. There is a lump in my throat just trying to come up with the words for this.

~ (sorry to not have a better segue way here ... )I'm so very happy to see the soon to be mommies out there continuing so well in their journeys. I'm counting down the days with all of you.

~ I went shopping yesterday and today. I spent too much money. Way too much. But I got some awesome things ...

- American Eagle got quite a bit of my money. They've got some of the cutest clothes. I can't pull off 80% of the clothes there, I'm just too old, but I did buy (2) lightweight cargo shorts (2) lightweight cargo-like pants (1) sundress that is too cute for words (6) wife beater tanks (2) shelf bra tanks (2) racerback tanks. And a little horn tooting .. I went into the dressing room with mediums and size 8s and had to have saleschick change them out for smalls and size 6s. Yay!
- Coach. Damn them. Their new lines are actually terrible. All gold and shiny things. Yuck. But there was a little bag for nights out I couldn't resist.
- Gap. I have always loved the gap and they had some really cool things today. (1) white no-buttoned cardigan to cover up the tattoos as work (1) pair of jeans with back pockets w/ flaps! My favorite. (2) pairs of drawstring shorts that I'm not in love with alone, but look good with long tees or tanks (2) more pairs of those lightweight cargo-like pants (1) swimming suit (1) nightie (1) brown cardigan
- Skateshop. I got a new helmet for roller derby. When I was at register, the girl asked if I was in derby (how can you tell?) and I got 10% off. Guess derby girls get an automatic discount. Cool.
- Sportshop. Got a cool redsox print of fenway w/ everyone in their positions. Each player signed under their name too. It's not their actual autographs, just a print of them.
- Build-a-bear. Biggest ripoff kid's place ever. But I promised so had to follow through.

Holy crap, is that it? I spent a lot and it was only at 6 places? Oh. gymboree too. But that was yesterday. And a body piercing place - I needed more hardware.

~ I'm spotting. It's cd17 and don't know why. Maybe it's all due to this is my first cycle after the baby, but come on. I've only been free of it for 10 days now, having a freaking 7 day period. It's NEVER that long. And that sucks.

~ Maybe that is why I'm moody. I'm not the only adult in the house that is like this though. Which I need to bitch about for just a moment. I am in the living room typing this and the husband was in here too. I just pissed him off a moment ago and he got up and walked to the back of the house. He's been back there for about 1o minutes so far and I have no idea what he's doing. He left his tv program on out here though, making it seem like he's coming back. So I'm stuck watching something I don't want to watch. I bet you a million dollars when I get up he'll be watching tv in the bedroom.

~ I win a million dollars.


Friday, May 22, 2009

What. The. Fuck.

Sorry for the f-bomb in the title, but that was my honest reaction to what I just had sent to me...

I'm going to keep it "anonymous", although someone I know sent it to me. I don't want her getting any backlash just in case.

Here is the email ...

"So, on the message board I am on, there is this discussion about gender disappointment. There is this girl who is saying that those who experience gender disappointment deserve the same support as those who experience a loss or infertility."

(background on the girl ... Young (21). Pregnant with third baby (got pregnant quickly with all three of her babies). It's a boy. She is very depressed about this as she did a position to get a girl. She said the next time they are going to "take measures" to ensure a girl. Weird part is she did experience loss (early loss before current pregnancy and her son was ~8 months old when this viable pregnancy happened).

I am not even going to explain how fucked up and wrong this is to you. I'm sure you already know. Now it's your turn to leave a comment about it ...

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Everyone feel better?

Seems my last post allowed many of you to vent your frustrations with all things ttc support related.

A few comments from a few things that stuck out to me ...

~ My categories were by no means trying to categorize the world of ttc. It was just a quick list of some different groups I'm familiar with in ttc-land to give examples to a handful of different ways I find I need to support people. It's not like I categorize people I meet so I can support them, I always use a person's individual story to give my support. But when typing up a blog post about the aspect of differing levels of support, I simply had to use examples - and that's why the categories appeared. A few comments pointed out how I shouldn't categorize because I don't know their full story, or where in the story they are even coming from and you are right - no one should categorize blankly like that and it's why I don't.

~ A few of you mentioned how you don't "fit" in any of those categories. I guess I'm still talking about the previous bullet, but I wanted to mention how I thought of many of these situations, while I was writing the post itself. Single mothers, Same sex partners, women who needed medications to simply ovulate, MFIF, etc. But to make sure I got everyone would of meant I'd still be writing that list.

~ I was struck how many "fertiles" (and I'm sorry to keep using that word, it makes it so us vs them) are having troubles too - in supporting their friends and getting rude comments directed at them too. I did want to mention how I feel about the aspect of an IFer saying we appreciate our children more than a fertile does. Thanks a bunch of donkey shit. As Lisa pointed out, of my 3 babies, one ~was~, in fact, "easy" to conceive. And of course I don't appreciate my other two more than her. BUT ... since I am in that unique position to feel how is to be on both sides on the fence, I did feel different about the BFPs of my hard to get pregnancies vs my easy pregnancy. I did "appreciate" the fact I even got a BFP more on my tougher ttc journeys, but not the baby themselves.

It's a phenomena I think women conceiving after secondary infertility understand the best. I've spoken to a few women in this boat. Where their first pregnancy was easy to achieve and when they went for the second, it was well, not so easy. They have talked about how they did take their pregnancies for granted and how they had BRAND NEW feelings of appreciation for the whole thing when they experienced infertility first hand. They did admit they felt different about their pregnancies after having it easy the first time. It's something I can't really talk to since I went through IF the first time, so it made me bitter before I ever had the opportunity to take something for granted.

Speaking of taking fertility for granted ... I actually think a ~huge~ example of this is how anyone can even call themselves "fertile" if they haven't finished building their family. Sure, you may have have gotten pregnant easily with all of your pregnancies so far, but you never know what will happen next. Yeah, if you have had multiple babies easily, you probably will fall into the fertile side of things, but - you just never know. It's ~so easy~ to take the only thing you've ever known for granted, isn't it?

(fyi - that was not a negative comment at all. I don't want anyone to end up with a surprise infertility experience. I'm just trying to make a point how things like fertility are taken for granted)

I wanted to thank you all for such a wonderful conversation. I have lots more, but I have to get some things done first.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Note on previous post ...

I had to delete a comment because it went over the top with the "this is not a contest" concept.

I don't know how much more I can explain. I do not think the pain of IF is a contest. Nor am I saying one person deserves support more than another. Nor am I saying treatments are more support worthy than ttc naturally.

I thought I was ~very clear~ this post wasn't about that. Are people just skimming it and jumping to conclusions or what? (Just an fyi - I am responding to come people's comments in the comment section. I try to email you from your profile, but many of you don't have your email displayed so I can't respond.)

Here is something else to ponder ... In my experience of the subject over the years from writing about it or reading other blogs about it, the people who get seem to get offended the most and respond with the "there should be no difference between the ins/outs of ttc support" are (usually) the people who didn't go through infertility - either conceiving easily in regards to time and/or with the beginning of treatments. While I am 100% behind the fact everyone deserves support while ttc, I also believe there are differences based on each woman's personal story. It just goes to show it sometimes takes going through something to understand more of it. Which, I guess, is a very obvious conclusion.

So my question is, as an infertile, does the support of another infertile and the support of someone who doesn't know the personal pain of infertility come across as any *different?

* let me note I appreciate ~all~ support and I assume we all do. I'm not asking about the sincerity of the support or about the aspect of the actual words said in support. I am not saying one is better than the other. No way. Just wondering if you perceive any difference in either of such a good thing to even receive at all - support.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Shoot. BANG! (important update at bottom ... )

A clever title to have for a bulleted post. (okay, clever to me. I'm easily amused.)

(a section about bands/music first ... look for the line of ~*~*~*~ to bypass and got to see the IF stuff.)

~ FOTC, as I mentioned yesterday, was one of the best shows I have ever been to. Maybe I can't really say that, as I am a show goer chick who used to tour with punk bands in college and see no less than one show each week. But I was really impressed with how good it was. I love the show. I love the songs. I love the comedy. If anyone has missed the show on HBO, you should at least check it out. It's some pretty dry comedy and there will be many who don't like it, but for those who will like it, it'll be more than worth your time.

~ We have a week without doing anything and then there are three shows starting the 25th. Pennywise is monday and Jane's Addiction is tuesday (they are actually opening for nine inch nails, but we'll most likely leave - NIN isn't really my thing). Then Thursday is another Red Rocks show "punk on the rocks" with The Offspring and The Vandals. I'm on the fence about attending this one though. Has anyone seen The Offspring? I'm not particularly a fan but I'm always up for a good show. For instance, I'm going to go see 311 at Red Rocks because they are amazing live. I do ~not~ like them any other time, but I'll totally go see a show because of their stage presence.

~ June brings only one show, which is the comedian Arg Barker. He plays "dave" on FOTC actually and he opened for the boys this weekend. SO funny I immediately bought tickets to see his show at Comedy Works on Friday, the 26th. (if anyone in denver wants to join us, buy tickets for the 10pm show and join us! Lori? Lilith? Denise? Jen? Anyone?)

~ July will be fun with DCFC at red rocks (which I got on the guest list. woot!) and the Mile High Festival (The Black Keys, Tool, Incubus, Ben Harper, lots more). Let's not forget the Pikes Peak Hill Climb which is added fun because my very bestest friend in the whole wide world will be coming to attend it with me.

~ For August we got The Vans Warped Tour. I may be getting a little old for this one, but there are some bands I'm pretty excited about. (in no particular order ...) The Reverend Peytons Big Damn Band (fucking hilarious rockabilly. Catch them if you ever have the chance) NOFX (like I even have to say why they rock) Less Than Jake (ah, memories...) Bad Religion (classic.) Senses Fail. 3OH!3. Hrm. Flogging Molly isn't playing. I'm a bit bummed because I picked this show over Kings of Leon playing the same day. Maybe I'll send my hubby and a friend to The Warped Tour while I go to Kings of Leon. Hrm. Now I need someone to go with me to Kings of Leon on 8/09. Anyone? I'll go buy tickets tomorrow!

(I'm done with the bands now. No this will be exploring my opinions of judging ttcers)

I find myself having a hard time dealing with my jealousy of pregnancies in the world. (I'm not upset anyone of my IRL friends ~are~ pregnant, just that I'm not.) Isn't that just to most ridiculous thing you have ever heard of? Me. The girl with 3 kids. But you see, it's the fact that as I walk around with the said 3 children, I'm no longer waring my scarlet "IF" on my chest anymore. And infertile looks at me as if I'm a normal, run of the mill fertile. I've seen "those" looks. I've seen women look at me with contempt, as they pick up OPKs or a fertility book. I try to shoo my kids away and give her space and privacy, but I also want to say "Hey. I worked mother fucking HARD for these kids. I don't deserve the looks you are giving me. Although I do understand where you are and I'm sorry." Or is it just payback because it's the look I gave these so called fertiles when I was still without children?

After the first year came and went and the new year consisted of surgeries and failed treatment cycles, I found myself pretty damned bitter. Straight up bitter to anyone who hadn't done at LEAST what I had done. (I also included things I hadn't gone through, like loss. or bigger treatments). Then the second time came to ttc and I got it in my first try. WTF?

I was a little screwed up at this point in having to deal with BFPs at this point. Sure, I got my BFP on my first cycle while TTC#2, but then again, for #1 I went through 18 cycles chock full of medication and surgery and treatments. This made me a very bitter yet also a forgiving infertile (since it came so easily for #2. Maybe I wasn't really an infertile and that first suckage WAS the REAL fluke?).

What it really did was fuck me in allowing me to assume ~anything~ for my round of ttc#3. Was I really infertile? Or was that a fluke? Was the easy BFP for #2 all that needs to be thought of? Instead, for #3 there was ... 4 surgeries! 4 IUIs! IVF! Canceled ET! FET! Long drawn out cycle20, which was for a FET with a cancellation suggested to me and I refused. At (4w0d) 11dp3dt, I got a teeny beta of 15 which was the little beta that could and continued to double. At 5w4d (16dp3dt), we found the yolk sac IN my uterus at the right size, but not much more. At 7w0d (26dp3dt), we found the beating heart. Then came the scary findings - velamentous cord insertion, placenta accreta and other placental issues based on age, ivf itself, etc. This pregnancy took 28 u/s's and we found so many ways the baby could have not made it, but luckily, it skipped him and I'm to one who almost died. Thank god it was me.

My point here is how IF has changed me. I went through some MAJOR shit in my IVF/FET and pregnancy (and I also am very aware that comparitively speaking to tens of thousands of other women, I didn't go through much). And now my beautiful baby of mine, karl, is sleeping in his nursery at this very minute. So I'm able to now kind of look back at it all.

Do I think someone should have to go through what I went through for me to feel true sympathy for? No way! I think everyone deserves support and sympathy. Now, at the end of my ttc career, I can categorize the ttcers I'm "used to" and explain how easy or hard it is for me to support them. (PLEASE READ the "updated" section below, maybe even before reading this.) ...

note - I'm using some major generalizations here and the bottom updated section should explain it better, but in case you don't go read that first, keep it in mind! I left out so many categories of people because I admittedly don't know much about a lot of the circumstances. Please do not be offended.

1. Those who are simply in that first year. They may be going though initial tests and maybe those first little "clomid" cycles, dipping their toes wet into the ttc ocean.
--- I can support these ladies, but I have to be very careful in how I do it, as I really do want to be sincere, but my bitterness could ruin a truthful support at any time. I remember this part of my journey, the naive part, where I just didn't understand how fucking hard it could be. The majority of women will get pregnant in this place too, so if you are going to support your friends, start here. Think back and remember how hard a negative cycle, even in that first cycle, felt to you. I was so disappointed! After a few more, I was devastated and the tears started to form.

2. Those that are in their second year of ttc. Maybe the first year was done 'alone' and they never sought treatment. So they are a little behind group 1 in the fact they are now seeking treatment. But most of this group have had a year of trying alone and might have had minor workups and now the treatments are getting more serious. IUIS for sure would fall in here. Oral medical cycles. Injectible cycles. HSGs & HSSs. Sperm Counts. Post Coital. Cd3 testing and blood work. All your normal initial testing. It usually gets aggressive quickly and you may find yourself past those failed IUIs and right into the IVF in this category. Due to the treatments, there are also a lot of BFPs here, but there are unfortunately many, many BFNS too.
-- Supporting these ladies isn't too hard because of what they went through. Plain and simple. There's no feelings of "they haven't earned it" even how ridiculous that sounds to me now.

3. Here is the group who's done it all. And done it multiple times. Or have simply been trying on their own for years and years. The BFPs are more rare here, but they do still happen.
-- If "deserving" support had any bearing on actually receiving it, these women would automatically have it without a second thought. But for me, supporting some of these women is a little tricky because I have found some are so bitter of their failures (which I totally understand) they are almost pissed to receive it. Many/Most of them are not bitter, but I have ran into it so many times that my idea of being careful in my support does cross my mind.

4. Then there is the group who have succeeded in either groups 2 or 3 and then WHAM! They suddenly get a BFP when they are back in group 1 TTC#2 (or more). Guilt usually happens here, but to 95% of the public, we still say there previous IF still "counts" for them.
-- There women don't need support really, since they are already pregnant with their second (or more), but they do seem to have a guilt that needs to be supported.

5. And then there is the group that have given up on the biological link. They are learning to live with out children.
-- This is the group I have the hardest time supporting, especially were I stand, because I feel at a loss for words. I do support them though. I'm just afraid it's not enough because I don't know what to say.

So that's the breakdown of how ~I~ feel there are different categories and how I feel about supporting each of them. Any thoughts?

Updated ----

Hrm, re-reading it (and fixing a bajillion typos, hey, it was late when I wrote it) made me have to rewrite some dumbass shit I said on accident. It also made me see I didn't include two biggies - Adoption and Loss.

As for adoption, people persue adoption for a variety of reasons, not just because their own tries fail. I think adoption needs to be put into it's own multiple categories.

I also didn't mention loss because I've only been exposed to it, not felt it myself more than a maybe chemical pregnancy in only one of my 29 cycles. Many of my best IRL friends have had losses (L, J and R) but I think that no matter how terrible I feel about it, I just will never understand it and therefore, I can't categorize it in my simple list above. Although if I had to categorize, it wouldn't fit in any of the ones I already listed, I'm sure of that.

I also wanted to point out these were just my general categories of the groups I'm most used to. Of ~course~ many many many won't fit, but the majority (over 50%) probably would fit in. And it is NOT A CONTEST of course. Not at all, I hope you see that's not what I meant. What I tried to convey here is EVERYONE DESERVES SUPPORT and this list of mine was just me trying to explain how hard/easy it is, FOR ME, to give that support, after MY journey.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Allow me to elaborate.

Whew. Let me say that again. WHEW. (said while wiping my brow).

What a hard few weeks I have been having. FUCKING hard. I hit my mental (and almost physical) bottom and I almost lost it. I was daydreaming various death scenarios (no, no, nothing like ~that~) but I was thinking of how nice just driving through an intersection and being plowed over by an 18 wheeler would be. Instant annihilation. Can you imagine how peaceful that would be???

Heh. Yes. That's how tired and physically exhausted I was. I actually thought being run over by a semi would be relaxing.

But, no. I wasn't (and have never been) suicidal. I have, however, become very apathetic about my life. Meaning that ~if~ an 18 wheeler did somehow run me down, I wouldn't have cared. Although I obviously would have once I would think more than 2 seconds about it. I actually love my life usually and I know it's just a moment in time I feel this way, so I just had to get past it.

And I have.

I've felt like this a handful of times - once with each baby (a few more with Allison because they were SO close together, which, I may add, is still my vote for hardest thing I have ever experienced... beating recovering from any surgery, breaking my leg in half snowboarding, quitting heroin, quitting smoking. Combined.) When I hit it the first time, I thought it was PPD for sure, although kind of "late" in the game. I headed to the doctor and got some antidepressants and maybe 2-3 days later, I got a full night's sleep and felt immediately better. I knew that would not be the pills working so quickly so I pitched them and didn't feel any different. So now when I hit it, I know I need some major sleep. This time it took pharmaceuticals (sleeping pills), but until my back pain is improved a bit, I'll do what I have to do.

A bit about my back pain. I have tried physical therapy, chiropractic, acupuncture, and then was pushed off to pain management. My first pain management doctor was very pro-narcotics, making it seem okay to take 90, 10mg vicodin each month. "If you need it, then take them." When the vicodin became not enough, I refused to be moved up to percocet or Oxycontin, which were all discussed. I mean, 90 10mg vicodin? That's what? 180 of the normal strength hydrocodone pills EACH MONTH. So instead, we concentrated on my available procedures. Which came all the steroid injection (didn't work) and then finally the nerve blocking worked(temporary) proving I was a candidate for RFA (radio frequency ablation). Which worked. Yay!

I got those once every 6 months and it allowed me to only take advil to sleep but then I finally pulled a bfp out of that ill-fated FET and all bets were off. No more RFA and no more advil. During 1st tri, my OB had me take vicodin again, but ~small~ doses starting around 12 weeks. I didn't want to chance anything in the ever scary 1st trimester. Then through 2nd trimester and into my 9th month of pregnancy I also took 1 percocet/day (percocet is a class B, where vicodin is a class C). The last month of my pregnancy I weaned very slowly, making damn sure the baby wouldn't feel any effects, which my OB had absolutely no worry in. When only taking 1-2 lowest dosage pills MAX per day, it just wouldn't hurt the baby.

Now I am back into pain management, no narcotics and taking only advil and the like. So hoping the mix of sleeping pills will work on my until my RFA, which will be scheduled soon, but it in the midst of some prior approval with my insurance. They aren't telling me shit, so this is bugging the crap out of me. Especially since I had it before. It's been 15 days in "pending approval" status and there is a 30 day mark maximum where I'll get the decision by. Here's to hoping.

I'm happy to report I have slept some. But still having a hard time with some things I can control and something I can't. But it's 1030p now and I want to get into bed. I'll talk more tomorrow.

Flight of the Conchords!

I went to flight of the conchords last night in denver (not actually denver, it was at red rocks) and it was fucking hilarious. So worth it. Heh.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Has anyone else noticed

Dr Rey on Dr 90210 is a gigantic dork? Shows all the money, nice body (which he does have), pretty wife, etc, etc, etc does ~not~ bring coolness to anyone. It's just his pre-surgery antics are too much for me. Pushups? Martial arts moves? For goodness sake, he was just in the hallway using nunchucks. Nunchucks. Moments before surgery.


Thursday, May 14, 2009


I think I've entitled some of my posts the same way... "whoa." But last night was freaking crazy.

Let me back up a bit first.

I went to see one of my doctor's partners yesterday, one that could take me as a same day patient. He was nice, listened to everything about my back pain causing me to not be able to sleep. fyi - no more narcotics for me. I am going to pain management, drugfree, and hopefully getting my next RFA, radio frequency ablation, approved in the next few days. I've done down the narcotics road before and it simply becomes too much. I get used to the dosage quickly, they increase it, I take more, I need more, etc, etc, etc. It's a vicious, vicious cycle and I just can't be dependent on fucking pain meds ever again. Especially with my past, I need to watch this and I am just staying away from that avenue.

Ambien is awesome, I love it ~so~ much. BUT, I still wake up around 330a-4a and my back is too uncomfortable to get back to sleep quickly. I end up having to take advil and wait 30-45 minutes until it lessens enough for me to pass the fuck out. So this doc decided to hold off on giving me more ambien and prescribed me 30mg of temazepam (restoril) because it's supposed to decrease night awakenings (instead of inducing sleep).

I took it last night and I woke up maybe 18 times. So maybe it's not working the best for me. See, my problem is my back pain, not a sleep disorder, so I don't know if this should be the way I go. I am supposed to call back to discuss after a few days.

Oh. The Whoa part. DREAMS. Crazy CRAZY vivid dreams. I kept having sex dreams and waking up wondering why the hell I wasn't in the midst of actually having sex, my husband simply sleeping next to me. I even asked him to make sure today, it was THAT vivid.

I'm starting to feel a tad better, actually cleaning my house today. That made me feel better. Not the cleaning part, but the sitting in a nice and tidy house. The house wasn't actually too messy, I did dishes and put away some things in the living room, but I did the floors and went around with the vacuum and got all the nooks and crannies. I changed sheets. Washed loads of sheets and blankets. Reorganized some big items. Took out lots of boxes to the recycle pile. Stuff like that. It's nice to just be surrounded by clean.

I looked over my last few posts and they have been all "poor me" due to surgery, incisions and stabbing myself with knitting needles (I can't believe some of you offered to send me some. I mean, do you want me to do a live needle stabbing blog post!? heh.) So thank you for sticking with me and reading post after post of me whining. I'll try to do better.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

thoughts of knitting needles.

I've emailed a few of you who have been looking for me or responded to "where the fuck are you" posts and yet I haven't replied to many of the "looking for you" comments because at that exact moment, I wasn't responding for whatever reason. (not that i only responded to those who 'count' or any other silly notion like that.)

i've hit the wall. i'm spent. i'm done.

but the problem with feeling like "i'm done" is i can't be done. i have 3 little people dependent upon me. and sometimes a 4th (my husband) but usually when he sees me hitting bottom, he takes care of everyone, me included.


bottom line is my body has worn down. i'm still not healed from my latest surgery. the incision is ~still fucking open~ and constantly bleeding (yes, i'm being cared for by the doctor). i'm in pain (back) which makes sleeping through the night impossible. i even take an ambien to sleep and still wake up in pain. yet i can't take anything else at 4am so i lay there, unable to sleep and very pissed off. i'm seeing my pcp today at 430p for some sleep help. maybe another sleep aid would work better at ~keeping~ me asleep.

i'm down 6 more lbs, weighing in at 135 now (actually, it was 134, but like chicklet, i need to see that 2-3 times over a few days to believe it). And it's pissing me off when people are telling me it's because i'm "sick" that i'm losing weight. No, it's because i'm trying to actually lose weight. It's hard and it's bugging the shit out of me when people tell me "oh, it's because you have been through so many surgeries". When the fuck has being tired induced weight loss? Okay, maybe it has but please stop saying it to me.

See? this is why i'm not blogging right now because I am beyond schnarky.

anywho. i'm alive. barely. but i'll be okay. this happens everytime i have a baby at around this mark. i go from being on maternity leave and doing nothing but vegging out to going back to everything - work, roller derby, nights out, drinking on occasion, blah blah blah and i really shouldn't be because i'm exhausted. and then i have a total breakdown, like yesterday, and thankfully i have the awesomest boss in the entire world who helped me out yesterday beyond measure. speaking of work ... it's worktime and i need to get back. just wanted to let you all know i wasn't hit by a bus.

(oh, the knitting needles title refers to the fact i've told multiple people i want to stab myself in the head with knitting needles.)

Friday, May 8, 2009


forgive me. i am not myself. I have some major insomnia going on. I can drug myself with ambien, but the moment I have to wake up due to anything (pee, baby, first post baby AF), I can't go back to sleep. I feel like i'm going to die.

just wanted to give an update of where I am.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009


My dad just turned 73 years old on Sunday. Do you know what I got him for his birthday? A tattoo. He sat in a tattoo chair for over an hour yesterday getting his 50 year old eagle (from the navy) redone.

Seriously. How cool is that?

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

A big anniversary.

I blogged more about this, along with TONS of additional pictures, on my other blog. (I spent ~so~ much time doing today's post there, if you have a moment and don't mind looking at totally triggery pictures, meaning pregnant and baby pictures, please take a look? My other blog barely has any readership and I'm really proud of that post!)

One year ago (cinco de mayo) was the anniversary of the big transfer.

The day was surreal. And although 3 of my little embryos didn't make it, 1 very important one did. Thank you universe.

It's funny. I've been feeling really shit upon from the world in the past weeks. And then a date like this is here and all of the shit seems stupid.

To my little embryos, thank you. Thank you for all four of you. Thank you for allowing me to freeze you. Thank you for surviving the terrible thaw. Thank you to the three of you for keeping your brother company. And thank you 'ringo' (which we believe is the top left one) for sticking around. I love you all.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Wow, 70% of you picked #1.

I can't believe how many people picked #1.

What's funny is I put on #1, walked around the house for a bit and realized it hurt my tummy (incision) way too much. I ended up having to go with #2. And only 30% of you like it!

It's super cute though. See?

Hah. Just kidding. I buttoned up for the event.

Although, in this picture, I look ~very~ suzy homemaker.

And I look weirdly bald and/or alien~esque in this one.

So. I got ~loaded~ last night. I don't remember leaving. Or coming home. Or paying the babysitter. (my husband drove and paid and all that.) How terrible. I'm a blackout drinker at times. Probably not good. What sucked was getting up with Karl this morning at 630a and having to feed him a bottle while I pumped my still drunken breasts.

I'm hungover. Awesome. Why is this the result of some well needed let-loosing? It's not fair. I needed it, yet my body rebels. Lame.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

A poll. (please answer??!)

I'm going to a wedding reception this evening. It's in a private room of a nice bar downtown. What should I wear? (answer my poll on the right side under the blogher ad please!

Outfit #1:

Or Outfit #2?

I like the dress because it's super cute and flow-y. I have a lime~ish green cardigan and matching heels too. But the black outfit looks more dress up (I'd wear black heels), but then again, it may be too stuffy. Also the function ~not~ the wedding, only the reception, so I don't think I'll need to be too dressy either.

(About the incision, I went to urgent care and was taken right back, past the full waiting room. I guess that's what a bleeding gut gets you! They said it looked good, left my butterfly bandages on it and put a pressure dressing on top of it. I told them I was going out to a wedding tonight and they said to have fun, so no, I wasn't told to lay in bed. Thanks for all your well wishes! I'm going to go out and have fun, and I'm going to try not to focus on the bad crap right now.)

On my way to hospital

I can't stop the bleeding. Must get it closed. Wish me well.


My incision opened last night. And now although I'm trying to hold it closed with butterfly strips, it's oozing out bunches of coagulated blood.


Friday, May 1, 2009

The post in where I finally give up.

I give up. Seriously. I do.

My "toughness" or whatever you call it has finally escaped me and I'm a mess. I can't take it anymore. I cannot take any more medical issues.

And what was it that pushed me over the edge?

A cold sore.

I am prone to cold sores. Always have, hell, since I was little. I must have gotten the he.rpes type virus that causes cold sores somewhere in elementary school. (no, i don't have the type. let me just say that to make sure it's understood.) I get them a couple times a year. Sometimes once, sometimes more. Usually when the weather changes. I feel the little tingle and I know it's coming. Because of this, I have a standing prescription of acycl.ovir, an anti-virus, which I will take as soon as I feel that tingle. When I catch it early, blisters don't even really form. I may see one starting, but it will dry up before it becomes anything obvious.

Yesterday morning, I felt the tingle and I saw the beginnings of a blister. I immediately started to take the med. I took all 3 doses yesterday and assumed I had adverted it. When I woke up today, I immediately knew something was wrong. Although there are no blisters (thank god) on my lip, it's so swollen it literally looks like I was punched. My upper left lip, from the crease to the middle is swollen beyond swollen. The most of the swelling is on the inside of my lip, which is actually quite tender as it moves up and across my teeth. Then, all along the left side of my jawline is also swollen and out of control tender, which I'm assuming is house for the huge infection. It seems my body has just given up from the stress and the usual quiet virus laying in my body has sprung into action.

I have an appointment with my pcp just in case I need a antibiotic. I don't know if the antiviral is all I need or not. At this point, I'm at a loss for words. I can't do much more than to just cry at my dumb luck.

My belly is shrinking but still there, it looks disgusting. My husband (very wrongly) tried to cheer me up by saying I could finally get into that exclusive goiter club I've always wanted to be in. Except his joke reduced me to sobs. I already feel ultra ugly and now I have a swollen face and neck.

Fuck this. I used to be the healthy one. Or at least the one who was never sick beyond the occasional cold. And now it's surgery this, surgery that and the weird medical ailment waiting for their turn in the spotlight. Screw you body. It's not funny. It never was.