Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Everyone feel better?

Seems my last post allowed many of you to vent your frustrations with all things ttc support related.

A few comments from a few things that stuck out to me ...

~ My categories were by no means trying to categorize the world of ttc. It was just a quick list of some different groups I'm familiar with in ttc-land to give examples to a handful of different ways I find I need to support people. It's not like I categorize people I meet so I can support them, I always use a person's individual story to give my support. But when typing up a blog post about the aspect of differing levels of support, I simply had to use examples - and that's why the categories appeared. A few comments pointed out how I shouldn't categorize because I don't know their full story, or where in the story they are even coming from and you are right - no one should categorize blankly like that and it's why I don't.

~ A few of you mentioned how you don't "fit" in any of those categories. I guess I'm still talking about the previous bullet, but I wanted to mention how I thought of many of these situations, while I was writing the post itself. Single mothers, Same sex partners, women who needed medications to simply ovulate, MFIF, etc. But to make sure I got everyone would of meant I'd still be writing that list.

~ I was struck how many "fertiles" (and I'm sorry to keep using that word, it makes it so us vs them) are having troubles too - in supporting their friends and getting rude comments directed at them too. I did want to mention how I feel about the aspect of an IFer saying we appreciate our children more than a fertile does. Thanks a bunch of donkey shit. As Lisa pointed out, of my 3 babies, one ~was~, in fact, "easy" to conceive. And of course I don't appreciate my other two more than her. BUT ... since I am in that unique position to feel how is to be on both sides on the fence, I did feel different about the BFPs of my hard to get pregnancies vs my easy pregnancy. I did "appreciate" the fact I even got a BFP more on my tougher ttc journeys, but not the baby themselves.

It's a phenomena I think women conceiving after secondary infertility understand the best. I've spoken to a few women in this boat. Where their first pregnancy was easy to achieve and when they went for the second, it was well, not so easy. They have talked about how they did take their pregnancies for granted and how they had BRAND NEW feelings of appreciation for the whole thing when they experienced infertility first hand. They did admit they felt different about their pregnancies after having it easy the first time. It's something I can't really talk to since I went through IF the first time, so it made me bitter before I ever had the opportunity to take something for granted.

Speaking of taking fertility for granted ... I actually think a ~huge~ example of this is how anyone can even call themselves "fertile" if they haven't finished building their family. Sure, you may have have gotten pregnant easily with all of your pregnancies so far, but you never know what will happen next. Yeah, if you have had multiple babies easily, you probably will fall into the fertile side of things, but - you just never know. It's ~so easy~ to take the only thing you've ever known for granted, isn't it?

(fyi - that was not a negative comment at all. I don't want anyone to end up with a surprise infertility experience. I'm just trying to make a point how things like fertility are taken for granted)

I wanted to thank you all for such a wonderful conversation. I have lots more, but I have to get some things done first.


Kristin said...

I fall into that last group of multiple babies and being slapped by infertility. Sure, I had had a loss(es) before I started trying to conceive #3 but it was that adventure that got me slapped with the IF label. You are so very right when you say that you never know what is going to happen.

Beautiful Mess said...

I always enjoy "debating" with you and your point of view. I think that's one of the reason why I love reading blogs so much. It give me an opportunity to see something some a different view. Just because I may not agree with it, doesn't mean it's wrong. It broadens my horizons, so to speak. I did take that first BFP for granted, not the pregnancy of the child, but getting there. Lesson learned, thank you Universe. Even though it took us awhile to achieve our family and we are done, that doesn't mean I wish things were different. I would love to be able to have more children. To be able to give Zilla a sibling, but I know it isn't the right or safe choice to make. Which TOTALLY sucks! I can't wait for your next "hot topic". You make me thing and dig deep into myself and I like it!

Anonymous said...

Hey lady - i am (as i know you know) one of those "secondary IFer" gals. talk about some of the rude comments you can get from some people - especailly those i think TTC their first. we also dealw ith that damn little emotion called "guilt" as in "am i so selfish that one isn't enough". ugg. sorry i've been off the grid lately, but as alwasy, love your posts!


kimjj514 said...

this was a great conversation. It definitely opened my eyes and I enjoyed reading all of the different responses.

Tarable said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tara said...

Did you go and stir up a bunch of shit again? Damn I've been away from the computer for a few days and I missed it all! I'll have to go back and read what all the hub bub is about.... ha ha ha...

JamieD said...

That was a great conversation! I enjoyed reading your posts and the subsequent comments.

I noticed as well, many people commented about how they didn't 'fit in' to any category. Not trying to argue the point of your categories, just thinking about how I never feel I 'fit in' to one category or another. There are so many paths (and roadblocks) to family building, it seems no one really travels the same road.

And even though I'm not a fertile, I've had trouble supporting people who have had a very different path as my own. I can never figure out the 'right' thing to say.

Anonymous said...

As usual I get in on the convo way too late ;) But it was interesting to say the least!

Looking forward to the next one.