Sunday, May 17, 2009

Allow me to elaborate.

Whew. Let me say that again. WHEW. (said while wiping my brow).

What a hard few weeks I have been having. FUCKING hard. I hit my mental (and almost physical) bottom and I almost lost it. I was daydreaming various death scenarios (no, no, nothing like ~that~) but I was thinking of how nice just driving through an intersection and being plowed over by an 18 wheeler would be. Instant annihilation. Can you imagine how peaceful that would be???

Heh. Yes. That's how tired and physically exhausted I was. I actually thought being run over by a semi would be relaxing.

But, no. I wasn't (and have never been) suicidal. I have, however, become very apathetic about my life. Meaning that ~if~ an 18 wheeler did somehow run me down, I wouldn't have cared. Although I obviously would have once I would think more than 2 seconds about it. I actually love my life usually and I know it's just a moment in time I feel this way, so I just had to get past it.

And I have.

I've felt like this a handful of times - once with each baby (a few more with Allison because they were SO close together, which, I may add, is still my vote for hardest thing I have ever experienced... beating recovering from any surgery, breaking my leg in half snowboarding, quitting heroin, quitting smoking. Combined.) When I hit it the first time, I thought it was PPD for sure, although kind of "late" in the game. I headed to the doctor and got some antidepressants and maybe 2-3 days later, I got a full night's sleep and felt immediately better. I knew that would not be the pills working so quickly so I pitched them and didn't feel any different. So now when I hit it, I know I need some major sleep. This time it took pharmaceuticals (sleeping pills), but until my back pain is improved a bit, I'll do what I have to do.

A bit about my back pain. I have tried physical therapy, chiropractic, acupuncture, and then was pushed off to pain management. My first pain management doctor was very pro-narcotics, making it seem okay to take 90, 10mg vicodin each month. "If you need it, then take them." When the vicodin became not enough, I refused to be moved up to percocet or Oxycontin, which were all discussed. I mean, 90 10mg vicodin? That's what? 180 of the normal strength hydrocodone pills EACH MONTH. So instead, we concentrated on my available procedures. Which came all the steroid injection (didn't work) and then finally the nerve blocking worked(temporary) proving I was a candidate for RFA (radio frequency ablation). Which worked. Yay!

I got those once every 6 months and it allowed me to only take advil to sleep but then I finally pulled a bfp out of that ill-fated FET and all bets were off. No more RFA and no more advil. During 1st tri, my OB had me take vicodin again, but ~small~ doses starting around 12 weeks. I didn't want to chance anything in the ever scary 1st trimester. Then through 2nd trimester and into my 9th month of pregnancy I also took 1 percocet/day (percocet is a class B, where vicodin is a class C). The last month of my pregnancy I weaned very slowly, making damn sure the baby wouldn't feel any effects, which my OB had absolutely no worry in. When only taking 1-2 lowest dosage pills MAX per day, it just wouldn't hurt the baby.

Now I am back into pain management, no narcotics and taking only advil and the like. So hoping the mix of sleeping pills will work on my until my RFA, which will be scheduled soon, but it in the midst of some prior approval with my insurance. They aren't telling me shit, so this is bugging the crap out of me. Especially since I had it before. It's been 15 days in "pending approval" status and there is a 30 day mark maximum where I'll get the decision by. Here's to hoping.

I'm happy to report I have slept some. But still having a hard time with some things I can control and something I can't. But it's 1030p now and I want to get into bed. I'll talk more tomorrow.


Melissa said...

I'm glad to hear that you're sleeping again. I'm sorry that the last few weeks have been so rough, exhaustion never helps.

Kristin said...

Glad to hear your feeling a bit better. The combo of lack of sleep and chronic pain is a bitch.

Steph O. said...

You're sounding more like Nancy again! :) Glad to know you're doing better. I hope the RFA gets approved soon.

Wordgirl said...

Hi sweetie,

I am glad you're getting sleep -- that, as you've written here, is such a vital component. I can't even imagine having three little ones and doing all you do -- I hope the days get better, the pain lessens, and sleep comes easily,

XOXo (an extra hug and kiss for you)

Anonymous said...

Really hope you get the RFA soon. I've missed your posts but totally understand where you are at believe me. Getting the balance between managing pain and avoiding addiction to the meds is horrendous I know. Lots of love Nancy girl xxxxx

Sarah R said...

Oh my goodness, girlie--I can't even imagine because I have never dealt with chronic pain or sleeplessness.

I hope you find a solution that works so you can get back to being the old (young) Nancy! :)

Steph said...

I'm so glad you're feeling so much better, Nancy. It's very difficult transitioning from mother of 2 to mother of 3...and going from 3 to 4, for me, was just the hardest thing I've ever done. Jake is 10.5 months old, and I'm only now adjusting to life with 4.

Add to your 3, your busy life,'s enough to wear a girl OUT. And it DID! ;)

I hope you get some serious relief for the back pain, it's impossible to sleep with constant pain going on. :(

You just hang in there and take it day by day.


April said...

I'm sorry you've had it so rough! But glad to hear you are able to sleep again and feeling better!

Beautiful Mess said...

I know EXACTLY what you mean by being hit by an 18 wheeler. Been there done that! I'm glad your feeling a bit better. And i hope you continue to do so every day! Good luck with your insurance company.

Soapchick said...

Wow you have sure been through a lot - on many fronts. Hoping the back pain is more manageable soon and the RFA can happen.

areyoukiddingme said...

No sleep is the worst torture you can inflict on people - I don't know why everyone is so concerned about waterboarding. Add chronic pain, and I can understand the 18-wheeler attraction. I hope your insurance works quickly and you can get back to normal soon!

Robin said...

I hate insurance companies. Good luck with all of that and know, of course, that you can appeal everything.

Sounds like Flight of the Conchords couldn't have come at a better time!

GeekByMarriage said...

Yay for feeling better! I emailed you back and Amy sent me a copy of the GC to forward to you.

JamieD said...

I'm glad you are getting some sleep. I can't imagine how difficult your day to day life can be with your family, work, constant pain and lack of sleep.

I admire you!

Jen said...

Glad you are starting to feel a little bit better. I can't imagine not feeling well and then not sleeping on top of it. No wonder you were feeling miserable, I would be feeling the same way.

If I lived closer to you I would offer to come on over and help you around the house or watch the kids for you so you could rest a bit more.

Thanks today for the comment you left on my blog. I like your words of "wisdome" and once again thanks for sharing Ryan and Karl with me. It really does help.


mommybird said...

Lack of sleep can be a killer. I'm glad you're feeling better. I hope you can start the treatments soon.

Thanks for visiting my blog, it's a work in progress. Actually right now you're the only person who isn't family that can even view it. I'm a bit of nerd, what can I say :)