Allow me to elaborate.

Whew. Let me say that again. WHEW. (said while wiping my brow).

What a hard few weeks I have been having. FUCKING hard. I hit my mental (and almost physical) bottom and I almost lost it. I was daydreaming various death scenarios (no, no, nothing like ~that~) but I was thinking of how nice just driving through an intersection and being plowed over by an 18 wheeler would be. Instant annihilation. Can you imagine how peaceful that would be???

Heh. Yes. That's how tired and physically exhausted I was. I actually thought being run over by a semi would be relaxing.

But, no. I wasn't (and have never been) suicidal. I have, however, become very apathetic about my life. Meaning that ~if~ an 18 wheeler did somehow run me down, I wouldn't have cared. Although I obviously would have once I would think more than 2 seconds about it. I actually love my life usually and I know it's just a moment in time I feel this way, so I just had to get past it.

And I have.

I've felt like this a handful of times - once with each baby (a few more with Allison because they were SO close together, which, I may add, is still my vote for hardest thing I have ever experienced... beating recovering from any surgery, breaking my leg in half snowboarding, quitting heroin, quitting smoking. Combined.) When I hit it the first time, I thought it was PPD for sure, although kind of "late" in the game. I headed to the doctor and got some antidepressants and maybe 2-3 days later, I got a full night's sleep and felt immediately better. I knew that would not be the pills working so quickly so I pitched them and didn't feel any different. So now when I hit it, I know I need some major sleep. This time it took pharmaceuticals (sleeping pills), but until my back pain is improved a bit, I'll do what I have to do.

A bit about my back pain. I have tried physical therapy, chiropractic, acupuncture, and then was pushed off to pain management. My first pain management doctor was very pro-narcotics, making it seem okay to take 90, 10mg vicodin each month. "If you need it, then take them." When the vicodin became not enough, I refused to be moved up to percocet or Oxycontin, which were all discussed. I mean, 90 10mg vicodin? That's what? 180 of the normal strength hydrocodone pills EACH MONTH. So instead, we concentrated on my available procedures. Which came all the steroid injection (didn't work) and then finally the nerve blocking worked(temporary) proving I was a candidate for RFA (radio frequency ablation). Which worked. Yay!

I got those once every 6 months and it allowed me to only take advil to sleep but then I finally pulled a bfp out of that ill-fated FET and all bets were off. No more RFA and no more advil. During 1st tri, my OB had me take vicodin again, but ~small~ doses starting around 12 weeks. I didn't want to chance anything in the ever scary 1st trimester. Then through 2nd trimester and into my 9th month of pregnancy I also took 1 percocet/day (percocet is a class B, where vicodin is a class C). The last month of my pregnancy I weaned very slowly, making damn sure the baby wouldn't feel any effects, which my OB had absolutely no worry in. When only taking 1-2 lowest dosage pills MAX per day, it just wouldn't hurt the baby.

Now I am back into pain management, no narcotics and taking only advil and the like. So hoping the mix of sleeping pills will work on my until my RFA, which will be scheduled soon, but it in the midst of some prior approval with my insurance. They aren't telling me shit, so this is bugging the crap out of me. Especially since I had it before. It's been 15 days in "pending approval" status and there is a 30 day mark maximum where I'll get the decision by. Here's to hoping.

I'm happy to report I have slept some. But still having a hard time with some things I can control and something I can't. But it's 1030p now and I want to get into bed. I'll talk more tomorrow.