Sorry for the f-bomb in the title, but that was my honest reaction to what I just had sent to me...
I'm going to keep it "anonymous", although someone I know sent it to me. I don't want her getting any backlash just in case.
Here is the email ...
"So, on the message board I am on, there is this discussion about gender disappointment. There is this girl who is saying that those who experience gender disappointment deserve the same support as those who experience a loss or infertility."
(background on the girl ... Young (21). Pregnant with third baby (got pregnant quickly with all three of her babies). It's a boy. She is very depressed about this as she did a position to get a girl. She said the next time they are going to "take measures" to ensure a girl. Weird part is she did experience loss (early loss before current pregnancy and her son was ~8 months old when this viable pregnancy happened).
I am not even going to explain how fucked up and wrong this is to you. I'm sure you already know. Now it's your turn to leave a comment about it ...
... Once (and still) Infertile, but still Schnarky as hell. This blog is dedicated to the daily ramblings from the mind of Nancy. It isn't about anything profound in the grand scheme of things, but it ~is~ about things in my life, schnarkiness always included. I have a second blog, listed in my profile, but the blogs will continue to remain separate.
"I'm aiming for heaven, but I'll probably wind up down in hell"
About Me
- nancy
- I am a 39 year old woman. I am the mother of two beautiful daughters and a handsome son. I am a career woman. As for my TTC world, it certainly doesn't seem like I am "infertile", but I fought for my pregnancies and my TTC/IF history is on the sidebar. I have two blogs, which are both listed in my profile. One focuses on my daily life - including IF, TTC, pregnancy, delivery and even some "children mentioned" posts. The second blog is ~soley~ posts directly about being the mother to my three children.
Belly Pics for #3 only.
Click stick figure to see the consecutive pictures from this pregnancy only.
My TTC History
- Jul 01 ~ married
- Jan 02 ~ First cycle off bcps and opk shows ovulation!
- Dec 02 ~ Went to pcp for RE referral
- Jan 03 ~ Testing commences. S/A perfect. HSG clear.
- Feb 03 ~ Lap #1. All clear.
- Apr 03 ~ Clomid cycle #1. BFN.
- May 03 ~ Clomid cycle #2. BFN.
- Jun 03 ~ Clomid cycle #3. BFN.
- Jul 03 ~ Supposed to be IUI#1, but we missed cd3 so natural cycle
- Aug 03 ~ BFP on C18.
- Apr 04 ~ Ella born.
- Oct 04 ~ decided to ttc #2 and went off minipill to see if I am ovulating. I am. Will start next month.
- Nov 04 ~ TTC#2 starts. BFP. Holy Crap. No freaking way. No way.
- Aug 05 ~ Allison born
- Oct 06 ~ IUD removed. TTC#3
- Jan 07 ~ Large cysts found.
- Feb 07 ~ Femara cyle #1
- Mar 07 ~ Started w/ RE. HSG #2 showed R tube blocked. S/A normal.
- Mar 07 ~ more cysts, up to 9cms.
- Apr 07 ~ more cysts, 3 @ 7-9cms.
- May 07 ~ IUI #1 cancelled due to more cysts
- Jun 07 ~ IUI #1 (take two) w/ Clomid. BFN.
- Jul 07 ~ HSS showed scar tissue in 70% of uterus. Diagnosed with Asherman's Syndrome. Uterine surgery #2
- Aug 07 ~ HSG #3 showed clear tubes.
- Aug 07 ~ IUI #2 w/ Femara. BFN.
- Sept 07 ~ Monitored w/ hCG trigger. BFN.
- Oct 07 ~ HSS #2 showed scar tissue in 30% of uterus. Uterine surgery #3.
- Dec 07 ~ HSS #3 showed tiny amount of scar tissue. Uterine surgery #4.
- Jan 08 ~ HSS #4 showed clear uterus.
- Jan 08 ~ IUI #3, C16. BFN.
- Mar 08 ~ IVF #1, Transfer Cancelled due to lining. Out of 15 eggs, 9 were mature and all 9 fertilized. I have named my 9 embryos "The Mod Squad" and they are in the freezer, waiting for mommy to be ready.
- Apr/May 08 ~ FET #1. C20. 4 embryos "The Fab Four" transferred on 5/05. BFP!!! Very Low Beta (15 at 11dp3dt) but the numers continued to double every 48 hours. Told it was "most likely not viable" and later "most likely ectopic" but we beat all the odds.
- May 16, 08 ~ 11dp3dt (4w0d), beta #1: 15
- May 19, 08 ~ 14dp3dt (4w3d), beta #2: 43
- May 23, 08 ~ 18dp3dt (5w0d), beta#3: 213
- May 27, 22dp3dt (5w4d), beta #4: 1,073
- Jun 08 - Ultrasound showed one heartbeat at 7 weeks.
- Jul 08 - Had CVS testing. Chromosomes are normal and it's a BOY!! EDD: 1/23
- Aug 08 - Jan 09 ~ High risk due to: 1) Velamentous Cord Insertion, deemed biggest risk 2) Previous Placenta Accreta 3) Previous rapid degraged placenta 4) IVF alone can create weak placenta 5) AMA - Advanced Maternal Age. -- All resulting in almost 30 u/s and lots of testing, which ended up saving my life.
- Jan 09 (38w0d) ~ Karl is born! -- Crazy 3 days in hospital. Manual version to flip baby from breech to head down, Labor, Delivery, Emergency surgery due to cord detaching from placenta, Scary heart issues from losing over 40% of my blood supply, and then a blood transfusion due to the extreme loss of blood. Whew!
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- Surgery #20, Here I come!!
- Babies in the REs office.
- A little advice ...
- To interrupt the drama filled posts ...
- What. The. Fuck.
- Everyone feel better?
- Note on previous post ...
- Shoot. BANG! (important update at bottom ... )
- Allow me to elaborate.
- Flight of the Conchords!
- Has anyone else noticed
- Whoa.
- thoughts of knitting needles.
- insomnia
- Hardcore.
- A big anniversary.
- Wow, 70% of you picked #1.
- A poll. (please answer??!)
- On my way to hospital
- Hahahahahha!!!
- The post in where I finally give up.
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63 comments:
It must be nice to take things for granted like that.
wow. i'm at a loss for words...
Fuck her. She expects the SAME support as someone going through infertility? She must be an idiot.
You have a 50/50 chance of it either being a boy or a girl, Didn't anyone tell her that? She thought she was going to get what she wanted because of an old wives tale?
I think people that say moronic things like that are people that probably have always had things go their way and now that something hasn't she doesn't know how to react.
Gender disappointment my ass. Get over it!
If she doesn't want a boy, I'm sure there are plenty of women like myself who will take him off her hands and be VERY happy with him.
I'm not even sure I would understand her rationalization even ~IF~ I wasn't going through infertility myself.
Unbelieveable.
Are you kidding me with this? I totally want to bitch slap that girl.
Do you mind sharing what message board that is so that I can go put her in her place? Nicely, of course. ;) I wouldn't want my piece of mind deleted by the mods.
wow. what a retard. thanks for puting your miracle baby on the same scale as the babies that some women will never have.
I can think of no better words than *What. The. Fuck.* I think that sums it up brilliantly.
You know what, I can understand an initial disappoinment when someone is hoping for one gender and they come to find out it's the other (even though I can't fathom feeling that way) but they better get over it pretty quick.
As for comparing it to the way an IFer feels... after my numerous failed IUI's and failed IVF, that's like a slap in the face. She's an idiot.
I don't think this child even deserves more than a second of my attention. She is obviously very immature and I feel sorry for those kids...
Huge gasp. Too pissed to even speak. "Flames. Flames at the side of my face. Breaths. Heaving breaths."
Now that I'm thinking about it... she could be great friends with the girl trying to match up people who are TTC 12+ months and the people in their 1st tri who are unhappy that they are pregnant... Some people are just clueless!
Ummm...stoopid 21 yr old...let your head meet my frying pan. What an idiot!
I'll just leave at that she's young and just doesn't get it. I know with these twins we really wanted one of each, but once we saw on the ultrasound that it was two boys, after a few days our brains adjusted. I think my brain adjusted faster than DH, because I really knew it was a possibility, but it took him a good few days to adjust. But you can't adjust to a loss or infertility issues. It will be there forever.
Your first commenters name says exactly what I think about this (add the F word in there, though). Are you fucking kidding me? She needs to grow up!
Some people's priorities are all mixed up. I find that young people, especially, are clueless when it comes to figuring out what matters in life. They are still so attuned to the glitter, they don't don't care if there is any substance under all that glitter.
All you can do is look at them like the idiots they are, and shake your head, because no matter what you say, they won't get it.
21 and 3 kids....where does this give her a right to talk like that? Sorry but I'm with everyone else here...GROW UP and SHUT UP!!
What a dumbass.
She needs birth control. Stupidity breeds more stupidity...
I truly feel sorry for her kid.
You know, I was cruising TV the other day and landed on a Dr Phil. I have no idea what it was about but he was lecturing some woman about getting pregs to save her marriage and he said "Babies should not be born with a job".
If your baby needs to fill some weird need in you to have a certain number of a certain gender, you have no business having kids IMHO. Figure your internal sh*t out and get your head together, don't make your baby be born with a job.
Oh, and, being a mom to a boy is FREAKING AWESOME!
This person so clearly underestimates the depth of the pain involved in infertility -- a harvard study in fact said that a woman struggling with infertility was in every bit as much emotional pain and depression as someone faced with a terminal illness -- so the very thought that not getting the gender you wish is the same... it's one thing to be disappointed - that I can buy -- but devastated? Isn't it nice that in those areas of the miracle of life there are still things we can't control? And that's coming from someone who has suffered from infertility and actually still, when she's honest with herself, has a gender preference (even though I know I"m just supposed to feel lucky and not supposed to care one way or the other -- (and I do feel lucky, amazingly so -- but still, you know, hold out hope to balance out the testosterone in this family...;)
I still feel that it's the child who comes to me -- and I'm glad I don't get to choose it -- and frankly, parenting a boy has been one of the greatest challenges of my life -- and stretched me in amazing ways...
XO
Pam
I had to laugh at the expression I must have given as soon as I read "those who experience a loss or infertility". If anyone was watching, they would think I dropped something on my toe (lol)
Shiz I can’t think of anything to say, I just keep laughing - she seriously thinks having a boy is tragic AND as tragic as infertility or a death?
I'd like to know what board too - not to reply (unless I did) but to just read responses to her comment.
Must be nice to just be able to pop em out and get upset over something so petty.
IMO people like that should get what they "want" gender wise so they stop having kids, less screwed up kids in the end.
seriously?! Is this girl a moron?! That is just SO insensitive. I'm truly speechless (which doesn't happen often).
Hahaha! "Ensure" that they get a girl? What an idiot.
Nope, I do not know what message board (it wasn't anything I saw, a good friend of mine just emailed it to me to really see my own reaction about it!) and I'm not going to ask.
I don't think she deserves any of our time in replying to her ... it was just one of those things that I just HAD to share because it was so idiotic.
I guess I'm feeling kind of schnarky today too but I noticed the first thing you said about her was she is young, 21. It kind of seemed like you were trying to point out that she is young and this is why she said this.
What the fuck?!?! I've known people who've gone through gender disappointment. They pretty much all get over it when that baby is placed on their chest/in their arms (if not before). I bet most people dealing with loss or infertility *wish* they could get over it in about 20 weeks.
What a fucking bitch.
Now I think I sound like a dumbass. And while I might *be* a dumbass, I wanted to clarify that while I've been blessed, I know that loss and/or infertility are not things people "get over" - I was just trying to I don't know how to explain it. But basically people who deal with gender disappointment struggle with it for at most 20 weeks. People who struggle with loss & infertilify deal with that their entire lives, even if they eventually have children.
Ok, I'm gonna STFU now because I don't know if I'm being clear.
AAAAAAAAAAARGH!
Let's just skip over how horribly stupid AND hurtful it is for her to think that because she's having a BOY she should grieve??? WTF. Save this and email to her child someday.
Let's just talk about the fact that there is *nothing* you can do, save maybe trying to have kids with a man who already has ten girls, to be sure what you're going to have. Basic DNA tells us it is what it is, and it's all on Daddy. I'd like to know what position she used. I wasn't aware there were any that positions to ensure a gender. Maybe we aren't doing it right.
Then again, I'm not 21. :) Even when I was, I was a lot smarter than this poor girl.
I think it's ridiculous. I mean, looking for sympathy and boo-hooing over something like this when so many women haven't even been blessed with just one BFP is just idiotic. I think it's insensitive to say the least.
That bitch needs slapped. What a moron.
That's really messed up. Seriously. Be happy for what you have, because G-d made it that way for a reason. Sheesh!
I totally agree with the title of your post.
Unreal.
I'll take her baby boy if she doesn't want it. That is ridiculous that she expects the kind of support that we would give someone struggling with infertility or mourning a loss. All I have to say is: "You poor baby. I'm so sorry you are expecting a healthy baby. GROW UP and get over yourself."
She's very young and very ignorant.
That kind of makes my stomach hurt and my eyes twitch. I was only disappointed in my pregnancies when they didn't "stick". Man! That pisses me off!
Good gawd. This couldn't be MORE ignorant.
It must be my niece(j/k) she was the same way. She was sooo disappointed when she found out she was having a boy. It really pissed me off since I had been trying for 2 years to get where she was at and could of cared less and here she was 15 and throwing a fit about not having a girl. She is now 21 has 2 other kids, 1 other boy and a girl. She doesn't see or care about the boys, she doesn't have custody of the boys.
I agree with another commenter, stupid people shouldn't breed.
Awww, hell. Gender Disappointment? This is a condition? Next thing you know they are going to have a national support group, a holiday and a Hallmark card.
Fuck me running.
Heartbreaking and fighting words for many. Sounds like one of those who doesn't have any business having anymore kids. After all there is a 50% chance each time.
If only the gender was all we had to worry about!
Oh for fuck's sake. I find it completely and utterly offensive to put gender disappointment in the same category as IF. Hmmmmm years of failure and maybe not having a baby vs having a healthy easily-conceived baby of the "wrong" sex. She needs to get the fuck over herself and realise how damn lucky she is.
She's a complete idiot! I did a post on my rage of gender disappointment a while ago. She should try hearing "your baby has 2% chance of living" or "I can't find the heart beat" and then ~maybe~ she would be able to focus her attention on what is actually important. These people make me sick.
Gender disappointment my ass. Get over it.
I've never gone through IF so I don't know what that feels like, but I've had a few other things come up, shall we say...and I feel like I'd be justified in delivering a good old fashioned bitch-slap to someone complaining about "gender disappointment."
wow. just wow. i can't believe that someone would actually put those two things in the same sentence, much less give them equal weight & comparison. Grieving because you are having a healthy perfect little boy? please...
I don't agree with this girl AT ALL, but with that being said just because she's young doesn't mean anything. I'm only 23 and I have 3kids and I'm so tired of getting looked down on because of that fact.
My SIL is 33 with 4 kids (3 boys and 1 girl) and I have heard those stupid remarks come out of her mouth, but is she still a better mother than me because she is 10 years older?
Wow.....can you tell I'm a little bitter about this issue? I'm just sick of being thrown into that "bad mom" category just because of my age.
About age, I just wanted to put out ther that just because some girls in their early 20s are the exception, doesn't mean every girl in their early 20s are like this.
I just want to make sure I've got this right before I stick my foot in my mouth (which we both know happens frequently)...
She is the pregnant mother of two healthy sons with a third on the way...she didn't have to do any of the myriad of treatments (for lack of a better term) you did in order to get pregnant...she didn't find out at 24 wks along that despite the movement and strong heartbeat her child was beyond heroic measures to save him, so she didn't have to be hospitalized for 5 days to induce the birth of a dead son, as I did with Joshua (may he be resting in peace)...
she didn't discover through tests that her unborn son has disabilities or serious health problems...
If all of the above assumptions are correct, this is a woman who has been blessed enough to become pregnant with 3 healthy children, all of whom happen to be boys, she is still in her early 20's so she has plenty of time (and apparently no difficulty) to try again for a girl, and that is where her issue lies?!
She wants the SAME support as women like you or I, because she is "devastated" that her HEALTHY fetus has a penis rather than a vagina?!?!
What an ungrateful, whiny, petty, spoiled, f*cking bitch!!!! The saddest thing is, with her obviously selfish mentality, she will probably f*ck this kid up by constantly reminding him that she would have rather had a girl...
I am truly offended and sickened.
I don't feel sorry for anyone who is dissapointed about gender. If you won't be happy unless it's a specific sex, don't get fucking pregnant.
My question is, how will she treat this 3rd son if she so desperately wanted a girl? Will it affect her relationship with him? See him as "less" of a child?
Foe her son's sake I hope she gets over this issue quickly.
And no, there's no grieving involved, and CERTAINLY not along the lines of comparing it to infertility....even someone like myself who has never dealt with IF knows that it's just.not.the.same. Sheesh.
If you (and not you Nancy...just you know.."you") are that sad/depressed over the sex of your child...then I really think you need some help.
How can you compare losing a child/pregnancy where you will never get to know the lost child vs getting a boy when you wanted a girl.
I was def not that stupid at 21...did stupid things yes but not that stupid!!
If you could guarantee a sex with a position how do you get boys and/or girls with IUI?
I would like a girl if I get a boy did I not put my feet in the stirrups right?!!? ;)
PS a HS teacher friend of mind what to add a standardized test to graduate HS to see if you should be allowed to have kids.
Ignorant doesn't even begin to describe it. And she doesn't get a pass for being young either; that's no excuse. She should know better. What a horribly rude and insulting statement for someone dealing with or who has dealt with IF or loss to have to read. Good grief she's selfish.
Those that are young and have never experienced a true hardship have a hard time getting how easy they really have it.
I love my little boy to death and would gladly have 5 just like him...
That is just wrong on so many differnt levels! She needs a swift kick to the head. Why can't people be grateful for what they have?!?!
so effing behind on reading. hate that.
but wow.
Actually there was a gal that posted a thread on a due date board I was on. The thread was something like, "Did you try for a girl or a boy?" and I have to tell you just that made me sad. Of course I was the asshole that posted something like, "Just hoping for a living, breathing, take home baby- could care less about gender."
Then I got lots of messages that I was being insensitive. AND a "private message" that I should have my "infertility thread elsewhere".
People are just damn clueless.
Did I hope for a girl? Sure. Did not having a girl come any where near the sorrow of the failed tries and the unpregnancy? No.
I think the fact that she is 21 with 3 kids says a lot about her intelligence and astounding level of immaturity. Her attitude tells its own story.
What an IDIOT. She has a healthy baby and just bc its equipment is different than what she 'wanted' she feels like she deserves support and sympathy the same as someone who's experienced the death of a child or infertility?
Whatever.
That girl needs to keep her legs closed and her mouth shut. Wonder how many baby daddies she has.
My guess is...
3..
Steph
stephs_3_kidz
personally I thnk she should shove a lamp up her ass! and if that doesnt give her the reality check she needs, she should stick her head in an oven!
Just my opinion though ....
Marie
Ha ha ha. If you don't want to face gender disappointment, why don't you just adopt?
Sorry, had to say it.
I've been trying to curb my vulgarities since the baby's been born, and have been frequently saying that I want to "punch xyz in the face" instead of curisng. Well, I'd like to punch this chick in the face numerous times. What a frigging dope.
I honestly think I know that girl from a miscarriage board. Very sad if there is also another person like her. If it is the same girl she also had 2 losses before her first child yet still is disappointed in not having a girl. Makes me sick to my stomach. After experiencing loss and TTC difficulties there is no way I would ever complain about the gender of my kids.
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