Wednesday, May 13, 2009

thoughts of knitting needles.

I've emailed a few of you who have been looking for me or responded to "where the fuck are you" posts and yet I haven't replied to many of the "looking for you" comments because at that exact moment, I wasn't responding for whatever reason. (not that i only responded to those who 'count' or any other silly notion like that.)

i've hit the wall. i'm spent. i'm done.

but the problem with feeling like "i'm done" is i can't be done. i have 3 little people dependent upon me. and sometimes a 4th (my husband) but usually when he sees me hitting bottom, he takes care of everyone, me included.

so.

bottom line is my body has worn down. i'm still not healed from my latest surgery. the incision is ~still fucking open~ and constantly bleeding (yes, i'm being cared for by the doctor). i'm in pain (back) which makes sleeping through the night impossible. i even take an ambien to sleep and still wake up in pain. yet i can't take anything else at 4am so i lay there, unable to sleep and very pissed off. i'm seeing my pcp today at 430p for some sleep help. maybe another sleep aid would work better at ~keeping~ me asleep.

i'm down 6 more lbs, weighing in at 135 now (actually, it was 134, but like chicklet, i need to see that 2-3 times over a few days to believe it). And it's pissing me off when people are telling me it's because i'm "sick" that i'm losing weight. No, it's because i'm trying to actually lose weight. It's hard and it's bugging the shit out of me when people tell me "oh, it's because you have been through so many surgeries". When the fuck has being tired induced weight loss? Okay, maybe it has but please stop saying it to me.

See? this is why i'm not blogging right now because I am beyond schnarky.

anywho. i'm alive. barely. but i'll be okay. this happens everytime i have a baby at around this mark. i go from being on maternity leave and doing nothing but vegging out to going back to everything - work, roller derby, nights out, drinking on occasion, blah blah blah and i really shouldn't be because i'm exhausted. and then i have a total breakdown, like yesterday, and thankfully i have the awesomest boss in the entire world who helped me out yesterday beyond measure. speaking of work ... it's worktime and i need to get back. just wanted to let you all know i wasn't hit by a bus.


(oh, the knitting needles title refers to the fact i've told multiple people i want to stab myself in the head with knitting needles.)

42 comments:

M said...

(((HUGS))) Nancy.

It's always so difficult when you feel like your body is turning against you. I'm feeling a little of that right now too.

Coco said...

Take as much time as you need... we'll be here when you are ready :)

areyoukiddingme said...

I hope you're feeling better soon. You've been through a lot - and it sounds like you usually have a lot going on anyway. Take care of yourself - like you said, lots of important people depend on you.

JJ said...

Im so sorry you are run down, Nancy--Im sending the universe big glares, so that you catch a break!

jill said...

You've been through so much! Whatever you're feeling is justified. I hope things start to get on a more normal track for you very soon! :)

Sara said...

How about a congrats on your weight loss?! That is awesome! Losing weight isn't easy - and for me I actually gain weight when I am not feeling well. So a pat on the back for that.

I am sorry you aren't sleeping. And what the fuck is up with the incision? At least the dr. is aware and treating you.

Many hugs to you. Things will turn around for you. :)

Kaci said...

(((hugs))) - I haven't been keeping up very well but I'm sorry you're dealing with all the crap. Take care of yourself and let others do it too.

Or do you just want me to bring over my needles and get it over with? ;)

Steph said...

I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time. I know that Karl isn't exactly a newborn now, but still...your life, your body, your family...it's all still adjusting to your precious little addition. It's a tough transition. And like you said..you settle into life being a certain way during maternity leave and then you have to change it all up AGAIN to go back to work...

It's a lot to take in, and then add in all your surgeries and medical issues and there ya go.

((((HUGS))))

Steph
stephs_3_kidz

Photogrl said...

Big ((HUGS))

Hoping you feel more like yourself soon, AND get some much needed sleep!

MMJ said...

Thanks for the update. Sorry you're going through a lot right now. I hope it improves...especially the back pain and sleep issues. I would not be able to function without my sleep. Congrats on the weight loss!!

Morgan said...

Well since that's the case..I guess I can forgive you for not showing any love on my blog even though I can count endless amounts of comments I have left you.

Totally kidding, I'd never give you a hard time over that. You are only human and there is only one of you, family, work, and the real life comes first!

Glad to hear you didn't get hit by a bus, I was fixing to start looking in the obituaries for you. ;)

Soapchick said...

Hoping you can get some rest and reecovery time soon my darlin', somehow, someway. Feel better soon.

Robin said...

I have to admit.. I considered emailing you to see if you were still alive. Glad you're okay!

And I hope things get better soon and that you get lots and lots and LOTS of sleep!!!!

Kristin said...

Damn hon...all that is enough to make anyone (even a superwoman like you) melt down. Be kind to yourself and try to take some time for yourself.

Kymberli said...

If you poke yourself in the face with knitting needles, at least do it in a really schmoove design so that we can all be impressed.

Seriously though -- thinking of you and I hope that you're back to feeling more kick ass soon.

Jenera said...

if tiredness helped you lose weight, I wouldn't be fat.

::Hugs:: I hit this very wall just 2 months after Sam was born. It sucks. ::hugs::

The Captain's Wife said...

Glad you are still walking this earth....I am tempted to send you knitting needles...but I am afraid you might start knitting ~shudder~

Hollie said...

sorry you are having a tough time. hope you get better soon.

~Chel~ said...

Shit Nancy!!!! I hope things turn around soon!!! Sorry you can't sleep--thats how I've been lately--hopefully the doc will find SOMETHING to help you!!! Great job on the weight loss! WOOT WOOT!! LOL! BIG HUGS Nancy!!!! Get some rest girl!

eden said...

I motherfucking love you Nancy. You have had a huuuuuuuge year, mate. I have mental breakdowns constantly ... I think they keep me sane.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOOX

MrsSpock said...

If pain is keeping you awake, perhaps the doc needs to address that pain- maybe some Tylenol #3 before bedtime?

Hope your body starts healing soon...

Denise said...

Hang in there, Nancy. We're not going anywhere.

Sarah R said...

Hugs to you!!! I'm sure you'll be around more once things settle down some.

STEP AWAY from the knitting needles (and here I thought you were going to mention some newfound hobby)!

Jen said...

Sorry things have been so shitty for you.

Please know we are here for you when or if you need us and take all the time you need. You need to take care of yourself.

((((HUGS))))

Beautiful Mess said...

I hope you feel better soon. Emotionally and physically. Sending you a hug and calling in a few favors to the universe for you.
*HUGS*

Mrslady1975 said...

Please don't take up knitting. I hope you can get some back pain relief and sleep. Big Hugs!

Artblog said...

Ahhh, sweets, what can I say but thinking of you and hoping you get better really soon :( HUGS you...

sacredandscarred said...

Hugs. Back pain is awful, I know. Can you slow your life down a little so your body has a chance to heal? Or at least get some good painkillers?

higretchen said...

Geez, feel better soon Nancy - I feel awful that you feel so awful - seriously, can your body just give you a break already? Insomnia is the WORST so hopefully your Doc can help you out there....

Steph O. said...

(((HUGS))) Thanks for the update. I'm sorry that things are so crazy right now. Getting sleep will really help with that, I hope your dr has something better than Ambien.

Congrats on the weight loss! You look great & it's hard to believe that you've had 3 kids!

Perhaps bad timing, but I'm hoping it will make you smile-

Why did the punk rocker cross the road?

Because he had a chicken stapled to his eyebrow!

:^)

Heather said...

I do hope you feel better soon.

Lisa said...

Sorry to hear that things are rough in your neck of the woods. Take all the help your DH offers... you need to take care of yourself before you can take care of everyone else...

Congrats on the weight loss! Can you send some help my way??

To A T said...

((HUGS))

I hope you start feeling better soon. We miss you around here! :)

calliope said...

been missing you tons and hate it that you are not feeling yourself right now. I also hate that you have been through SO much- so wrong.
beaming you lots of love and hoping you are back to your regular posting schedule SOON.
xoxoxo

Wordgirl said...

Let it all go lovely, let hubby shoulder it for a while -- you are one tough cookie -- but sometimes even the tough cookies need to let someone take the lead and let them rest.

I miss you my friend,

XO

Pam

docgrumbles said...

hey, post when you are ready. I can wait.

C Lo said...

psst
check my blog (but don't feel obligated to do it, I know these things are a bit corny) :P

Chelle said...

Oh, I hope you get some needed rest.

((HUGS))

Birdee said...

Glad to see you werent attacked by a bus, or knitting needles.
Thinking of you lots hun ~hugs~

KimboSue said...

Geez girl - take care of yourself.

JP said...

((hugs)) I hope you're feeling better soon, that sounds miserable! I'm thinking of you.

chicklet said...

I really hate when people don't give you the credit you deserve for losing the weight - that sickness or something else did it. How about you're working hard? Oh, and you're sick so they could come help you out a bit too to give you a break.

I don't know what to say that would be comforting or would help, but take the time you need. We'll all come back when you're ready to bring your officially skinny (2-3x on the scale of course!) ass back here.