Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Post-surgical update

I had my 2 week past surgery appointment.

And the only freaking thing I talked about was the medication protocol he put me on! I had a big list of questions (ie: will i have a higher risk of m/c now? If I conceive, will I be consider high risk for my pregnancy? etc) but I'll just fax them to the nurse tomorrow and see if she can get him to answer them for me. I can't believe I just ~forgot~ to ask!

Anywho, I'm 2 weeks past surgery. I have to take the estrogen for a total of 4 weeks, so only 2 more weeks. Then, in another week, I have to start progesterone for 12 days, which will overlap the estrogen for 1 week. He said I will probably cycle on my own when the estrogen stops, but it may take a few days to a week after the progesterone is finished, which anyone who is familiar with provera knows. Upon getting AF, that marks cd1 of C11 and I get to TTC again! Yay! So, this is good.

From LMP to induced cd1, it should be around 6-7 weeks. Not quite the 2 month break that I was expecting, so it's great that the best case scenario is what I'm getting. Amazing. It's weird to keep getting ~good~ news in the ttc department. Now all I need is the best case scenario of a BFP to round it all out! Okay, I'm getting ahead of myself.

I plan to take C11 as a natural cycle and not start any procedures just yet. I have NO IDEA what will happen. Will I even ovulate without growing a cyst? I hadn't been able to do that before without triggering ovulation. So we'll see. I have some hope that I'll have a normal cycle, but I'm not basing that upon anything. I sure hope I can finally be normal again.

Whew. What is wrong with me?

Is it because I'm an hour away from the appointment that will determine when I get to start to ttc again? Is it because there has been a literal downpour of BFP from fellow bloggers? Is it because I just went through an entire list of secondary IF blogs from the stirrup queen's blog listing only to find more than half of them were pregnant or had newborns?

When you want to wallow, you want to wallow. And finding smiling pictures of new mothers holding their newborns is a shock to the system.

I dunno. Plus, one blog had a picture of a baby that was stillborn and he was just so beautiful. Oh man. No matter how bad I feel, there are always people who have it worse. That's for sure.

There looks to be a HUGE March baby boom around us. And it's just wonderful for them. Really. I congratulate them with all my heart. I think it's just tougher because if my IUI would have worked, March would have been my own EDD. I hate that I even know that.

"funniest home videos"

I can't watch these anymore. So many of them are staged and it bothers me too much to watch them. And they put these fake videos on tv and have the audience laugh maniacally at them. And the crazy laughing of the audience is creepy in itself.

My first thought when watching these videos is "why would someone be videotaping this in the first place?" If there is no reason for it, it's more than likely fake.

Example - It's a video of a guy sitting on a laz-y-boy sleeping or resting or whatever. He's not doing anything, just sitting there with his eyes closed. And then he yawns and stretches, knocking over something on the shelf above or behind him. WTF? Why would anyone be filming a guy sleeping? Sure, maybe this guy snores or falls asleep on the couch and doesn't admit to it and someone was proving that fact. But 80% of the videos are like this. Like a guy is walking along some outdoor source of water. A pool. A stream. But it's not like a family thing where he's waving to the camera or swimming or doing anything that would be filmed. He's not even looking at the camera. And then he "accidentally" falls into the water. Give me a break.

What prompted this is there is an insurance advertisement up on some site that I am at a lot. I guess it's depicting a girl dancing because she saved money on her insurance. And then she is shocked to find that someone is filming her. She turns around, all shocked with her eyes open wide and her hands to her mouth as the aspect of getting caught dancing. But although the camera guy didn't make any noise. She just happens to turn around, her hands are at her mouth before she even turns around. She obviously knew she had to be surprised. I understand this is a commercial and was completely staged, but come on! Make it look a little more real?

Monday, July 30, 2007

muther f*&$%&#@!

I pulled my muscle in my back again. ~3rd~ time this year. You think I wouldn't bitch about this anymore, since I've been dealing with it for about 10 years, but it "went away" for like 4 of those years, so I'm not happy it's back.

And it always happens over something stupid. Like I bend over. Or something mundane. This time it was because I grabbed a running 2 year old as she was passing by. Poor thing thought she killed mommy the way I yelped. If it was something like, oh, I was lifting a burning car off of a victim, okay, that should equal back pain. Maybe I'll just start making up stories to make it sound better.

(Erin - It's the day!! I'll have something for us to use soon. I thought of a way to put it up, which will just simply be us able to talk to one another about everything - a support type thing. So I haven't forgotten and GOOD LUCK TODAY!!!!)

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

One of my best friends told me

that she's pregnant. They hadn't even started "trying" yet. They just stopped protecting and whammo. With child.

Well, when I was trying for Ella, at around the same mark as I am now, one of my other best friends told me she was pregnant in the same fashion. And I was pregnant 6 months later. So that means I'll be pregnant by January. Right?

Why am I still using the CBFM?

I am still using my fertility monitor. Why? No freaking clue. I am on a forced 2 month break while healing from uterine surgery. I do not get to even think about trying again until at least September. Yet every morning, I turn on the monitor to have one of our lovely early morning conversations. Today (well, it's after midnight, so really yesterday) I got a "peak" result. My first cd14 "peak". Heh. Figures.

I almost thought about cheating and grabbing hubby for a bding session. But then my brain took over and told me no. What in the world did I think I was doing? I am a week out from ~surgery~ for crying out loud. What if I actually miraculously conceived? My oven is in NO condition to support a life. It's still pre-heating! Yet I wanted to throw in an uncooked bun knowing full well it wouldn't rise right.

Thank goodness Mrs Brain has some power over Miss Heart. How foolish Miss Heart is at times. (Although, let me mention that it is Mrs Brain who is allowing me to poas every morning. And an expensive stick at that.)

Monday, July 23, 2007

Saying goodbye to it all.

Up until yesterday, I never knew what I would find upon turning on my computer. Would I find someone giving me some words of encouragement? Would I find someone simply giving me a friendly hello? Would I find nothing at all? Or would I find pure hatred in the form of rude comments or even from straight out lies being told to other people? It's crazy - sometimes I thought I was in the clear from any immediate hate only to ~find~ it accidentally somewhere unexpected. Those were the worst.

So I deleted the blog I had been working on for an entire year. 200+ posts gone. I could have renamed it, but I didn't want anything left that could be searched upon. Even though little, if any, of the drama stemmed from the blog itself, it definitely was providing two things 1) feeding "them" information and 2) giving them a medium to be able to send me comments full of hate, lies and rudeness, all anonymously.

Right now, I need peace and quiet. I need to be somewhat private. I need to be freed from any juvenile drama. By removing myself from it all, I have hopes that it won't follow me. I'm sure that this will eventually be found by word of mouth, or should it be word of fingers. I don't plan on withdrawing from the world by any means. I just plan on withdrawing from the places where it all festered in the first place. I completely removed myself from those places and I have ~zero~ plans to ever talk about, stalk, lurk for or even mention any of those people ever again. It's ended. I've said my peace to the people who mattered to me and I've said goodbye to the rest. On my side, it's ended. If I am continued to be talked about and commented on, it's not on my shoulders. It will be on those who want to persist with the drama. Those who want to linger in their own spite. I can tell you right now it won't be from me. That part of my life is over and I will not be giving any of this a second thought beyond tonight.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

A new start

I had a blog for over a year and it was just filled with too much negativity. So I'm starting a new. I don't even know if I'll give this out or not, but I still needed a place for myself to write down what I feel. I needed to start again.