Friday, July 30, 2010

The nicu

Has anyone seen the HBO documentary "little man"? Its about the struggle a couple had to keep their 25 week preemie alive. He was born at just one pound. He ended up having a lot of problems but survived through the end of the film when he was two years old.

The program was really good to watch. Especially because one of my best friends gave birth to a 33 weeker just three weeks ago. He'll be coming home tomorrow. Yay! Way to go little man. Way to go.

I couldn't imagine working in the nicu. But what a fulfilling job when you are able to help keep a little one alive. Thank you to all the nicu staff out there. You are simply priceless.

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Thursday, July 29, 2010

My mommy

My 73 year old mommy is coming to take her 37 year old daughter to the doctor in the morning. Now that I have kids of my own, I know she's more than willing to do this for me. I'll do anything for my kids. And if that means driving them to the doc when their 40, so be it.

Tomorrow morning I have my newest injection procedure being done in my facet joint. I haven't talked to the injection doc yet, but I think they're going in and burning the nerve endings. It'll be used as a diagnostic tool to find the exact spot I have pain. If that can happen, the surgeon can find that same place to go forward and perform a fuse on my spine to take care of the pain for good. The nerve burning is a short term fix but it helps them find the specifics or if it even works at all. I really want to be fixed. I'm tired of short term solutions that some work and some don't. I want to be pain free. So a big talk with my doc in the morning will be just that. Can they send the result to the spine surgeon if it feels like they got it right? That will all be covered tomorrow.

I need to check in at 6:45 from the 7:30 procedure. They'll be using twilight anesthesia instead of general, so i'll be awake throughout it, but awake is used loosely as when I've done this before, I remember talking to everyone as we get started but then memory blacks out and I'm suddenly back in recovery. Twilight sedationi is weird.

Well, give me your good thought tomorrow morning. I need them.

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Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Do you know who I am?

I was just driving to the store and the guy in front of me decided driving ~with~ gas was just too scary for him. So I honked as a friendly reminder to get it going.

As I turned into the right turning lane, I passed him and I could see him yelling at me. So I slowed down and rolled my window down...

"excuse me?" I query.

"do you know who you're fucking with?" he asks back.

I point around his beat up four runner and say "obviously not much".

He gave a stupid laugh and took off. I wish he told me who he was as all I could gather was a guy driving a piece of shit car who doesn't know how to drive.


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Friday, July 23, 2010

After everything is said and done ...

I love the fact we did ivf/fet to get Karl.

I had such a mixture of ttc experiences.

For Ella, we ttc for 18 cycles. We did all the tests and exploratory surgery. Everything came out normal. I was diagnosed as unexplained, but knowing what we know now, it was most likely my lining that caused the trouble. We were in our way to our first iui and I got pregnant before we were able to move ahead.

With Allison, we got that elusive bfp on our first cycle. I got a taste of what it was like being "fertile". We were blessed.

With Karl came the big issues. I had uterine anomalies due to the previous deliveries. Scar tissue and cysts. I wasn't ovulating on my own anymore, instead, I was growing huge cysts. To get the eggos to leggo, I needed to be triggered with hcg. But my uterus wasn't healthy, with the help of an hss, we found my uterus was sealed 70% shut with scar tissue. It took four surgeries to make my uterus clear. And then the lining issues took over again. Our first ivf transfer was cancelled. Our fet was traumatic trying to get my lining to respond. With a mere 7mm lining, we went forward and thawed out nine embryos. At the time of transfer, we had four embyies ready to go. The doctor thought moving forward would be a wasted cycle, but I had to complete it. I couldn't cancel again. And low and behold, a pregnancy happened. It was high risk and after a mere 26 ultrasounds to check on the baby, things were coming to a close. A manual version later, my water broke and labor was on. Another traumatic delivery later, I had Karl in my arms.

Three babies, three different types of ttc, three different deliveries. Three different recoveries. I experienced it all. Well, not all, as so much could have gone differently, but I experienced a lot. Nothing followed the rule book. Nothing was the same.

After all was said and done, I can't tell you which ttc story was the "best". Although we were lucky one time with a cycle #1 bfp, I'm happy all my bfps weren't so easy. And I'm happy I got the pleasure to do something extreme as ivf and an fet instead of just getting pregnant after unexplained as I did with Ella.

You'd think after experiencing everything, I would wish we didn't have so much trouble. You'd think I'd wish everything went as well as allison's bfp. But I don't. I find myself feeling blessed I had to work at it. I feel blessed we had our mixture of ttc stories. I feel blessed to have gone through 3 iuis, and ivf and fet for Karl. But I also feel blessed to have gone through 18 cycles of unexplained for Ella.

I guess I'm trying to explain to women out there to not feel unlucky to have to move forward with their ttc. Only knowing now what I know, I'm not jealous of "fertiles". In fact, I'm happy I was not fertile. I got the experience of fighting with all I had for a pregnancy. I don't know of this will make sense, especially to those still ttc out there. But I would have missed out in so much if getting pregnant was simply easy.

Don't feel unlucky if your ttc experience isn't easy. You never know how an experience will change you. You may end up feeling the same as I do.
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Thursday, July 22, 2010


If you could go out and have any food in the world right now, what would it be?

For me, I just got satisfied with some awesome sushi. Ella and I met some old coworkers of mine for lunch. I got Ella a cucumber roll, but as soon as she saw it, it was a no go. I guess trying to feed your super picky kid rice rolled up in seaweed wasn't such a good idea.

I got the cadet roll (spicy tuna, cream cheese, avacado and radish sprouts) and two pieces of plain raw tuna. Yummy. We shared some édamame' which Ella ate really well to my surprise. Ella ate her bowl of sticky rice and hit the m-n-m candy machine for dessert.

So what would you have right now?
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I usually don't proof read as I don't really mind typos, but my goodness, my last post has like fifty typos. Its bothering me.

I just dropped the kids off at daycare. Now its just me and Ella. I have nothing planned for today. What is there to do? Its so nice to have plans and today I've got nothing on the agenda. What are you doing today?

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Wednesday, July 21, 2010

power cleaning.

Whew. Two hours of power cleaning gets stuff DONE! I cut corners - I swept buy didn't mop. I still got spills my band though. I didn't dust but dusted a few days ago.I canged everyone's sheets and already have it folded in the linen closer. I vacuumed but vacuumed around some shit I could have moved. I got the girls toys all in the you area and organized in a little. My room is perfect. Bathroom cleaned. Carpet. I still need to mop. Bed is made. Nothing is hanging off the wrought iron bed stands. Kids room about halfway in put away and vacumed. Other half in morning. Bathrooms are alright. All tables wiped down. No more collection spots. I feel better but now I'm all amped up. Oh, I just finished two baskets of laundry which made me catch up on all but one lone basket that isn't quite full enough to do know. Every dish is put in the. Dishwasher.

I think I can say it. I'm d o n e. D.o.n.e. Done?

At least for the night. In satisfied in how clean everything looks right now. Its relaxing.

It'll all be over by morning, but for now, it will remain.

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Monday, July 19, 2010


I was recently asked to be a potential surrogate. Something I would love nothing better to do.

I called my ob asking about my last hss. Seems my stupid uterus still has issues. Remember me telling you about the adhesion bands I had? I guess that's an issue for carrying another child. I'd have to get surgery to remove it and then I'd have the risk of more scar tissue. This is something that definately stands in the way of being a surrogate. Damn it all.

I've carried three babies yet I still would have an issue in getting pregnant again. I'm so very bummed out. But if I couldn't get a bfp for someone else, it would break my heart and for the proposed parents. I guess its a good thing the rules of being a a surrogate are so stringent, but its something I guess puts me out of the running. Stupid uterus.
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Monday, July 12, 2010


Come out, come out wherever you are! I haven't heard from you here nor an email and I'm worried about you. Are you still out there?


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Thursday, July 8, 2010

Low 60s and raining...

Makes for a weird colorado july summer day. We have been getting our normal afternoon rain everyday, which is nice, but today was a little cold for my taste.

I went to the mall today and went ring shopping. Next year is my tenth wedding anniversary (ninth next wwednesday! Woot!) and I'm getting a new wedding ring. My engagement ring is a single round cut diamond and my band is just that, a band. So I've decided so far on a channel setting of round cut diamonds. I loved one so much I almost busted out my wallet right there, but ill wait until next year. Booo!

I haven't been reading blogs because I do 99% of my internet action on my phone and its just not conducive to reading blogs. Which sucks. I have to get on my computer and catch up. Until then, what's new out there internets? Any news?

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Tuesday, July 6, 2010

"At Just Brakes they really do care...

.. to stick their foot up your ass!"

My brakes just started to make a noise this weekend. I take my car in immediately. Guess how much?


Yeah. They can kiss my ass while they remove their foot. Fuckers.
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Sunday, July 4, 2010

Welcome to the world pj.

I don't know if she's giving out his name so ill stick to initials. Laurel was induced at 33w and he weighed a whole 2lbs 13ozs. Wow. Congratulations momma!
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Friday, July 2, 2010

I want to be a gestational surrogate.

But I think I'm too old. What's the age limit, doesn anyone know? And how in the world does one start the process?

I don't even know if I could be one in the count of my history with high risk pregnancies, but if at all possible, I'd be one in a flash. I think it would be the greatest gift I could ever give to someone.

I've been thinking about it so much lately, I wish I could just do it.
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