Friday, July 23, 2010

After everything is said and done ...

I love the fact we did ivf/fet to get Karl.

I had such a mixture of ttc experiences.

For Ella, we ttc for 18 cycles. We did all the tests and exploratory surgery. Everything came out normal. I was diagnosed as unexplained, but knowing what we know now, it was most likely my lining that caused the trouble. We were in our way to our first iui and I got pregnant before we were able to move ahead.

With Allison, we got that elusive bfp on our first cycle. I got a taste of what it was like being "fertile". We were blessed.

With Karl came the big issues. I had uterine anomalies due to the previous deliveries. Scar tissue and cysts. I wasn't ovulating on my own anymore, instead, I was growing huge cysts. To get the eggos to leggo, I needed to be triggered with hcg. But my uterus wasn't healthy, with the help of an hss, we found my uterus was sealed 70% shut with scar tissue. It took four surgeries to make my uterus clear. And then the lining issues took over again. Our first ivf transfer was cancelled. Our fet was traumatic trying to get my lining to respond. With a mere 7mm lining, we went forward and thawed out nine embryos. At the time of transfer, we had four embyies ready to go. The doctor thought moving forward would be a wasted cycle, but I had to complete it. I couldn't cancel again. And low and behold, a pregnancy happened. It was high risk and after a mere 26 ultrasounds to check on the baby, things were coming to a close. A manual version later, my water broke and labor was on. Another traumatic delivery later, I had Karl in my arms.

Three babies, three different types of ttc, three different deliveries. Three different recoveries. I experienced it all. Well, not all, as so much could have gone differently, but I experienced a lot. Nothing followed the rule book. Nothing was the same.

After all was said and done, I can't tell you which ttc story was the "best". Although we were lucky one time with a cycle #1 bfp, I'm happy all my bfps weren't so easy. And I'm happy I got the pleasure to do something extreme as ivf and an fet instead of just getting pregnant after unexplained as I did with Ella.

You'd think after experiencing everything, I would wish we didn't have so much trouble. You'd think I'd wish everything went as well as allison's bfp. But I don't. I find myself feeling blessed I had to work at it. I feel blessed we had our mixture of ttc stories. I feel blessed to have gone through 3 iuis, and ivf and fet for Karl. But I also feel blessed to have gone through 18 cycles of unexplained for Ella.

I guess I'm trying to explain to women out there to not feel unlucky to have to move forward with their ttc. Only knowing now what I know, I'm not jealous of "fertiles". In fact, I'm happy I was not fertile. I got the experience of fighting with all I had for a pregnancy. I don't know of this will make sense, especially to those still ttc out there. But I would have missed out in so much if getting pregnant was simply easy.

Don't feel unlucky if your ttc experience isn't easy. You never know how an experience will change you. You may end up feeling the same as I do.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

15 comments:

Brandi said...

Very well said Nancy!!

Anonymous said...

I agree, I don't mind at all that I had to do IVF, and I hope my children know that it's evidence of how much they were desperately wanted. However, I do think it's easy for both you and I to say that, because we were both successful in our efforts. I think for those still in the trenches, such a mindset is impossible to understand and likely frustrating as hell. I don't write that to be argumentative, it's just what came to mind.

M said...

I think all of our IF struggles are like badges of honor. I'm so proud of how hard I tried... 4 failed IUI's and a failed IVF, a stint in the hospital with OHSS... look how much you and I wanted to be mothers!!

Austin is one loved little boy as I know all your kids are too :)

..Soo.See.. said...

I couldn't agree more. IF sucks big ol' balls, but in the end of it, it shows us what kind heart we have and that "Roar! I am woman, hear me roar!" we want and love the kids we have now, or are still trying for.

Elana said...

That is so beautiful. I don't mind that I needed IVF to have my twins...I wouldn't have had them any other way! I had a feeling from the start that it wouldn't be an easy road AND that I was meant to be a twin mom. Somehow deep down I just knew that. So when it was time for IVF, I knew I had to transfer 2 embies. It's really what G-d wanted and I felt that so strongly. And sure enough, it was exactly as it was supposed to be. But once I had the twins, G-d didn't need me to struggle anymore, so I didn't...this time around I barely even noticed that I was TTC. Periods didn't faze me, and that BFP shocked me right to the core. I actually do hope that we don't have trouble in the future, more because I now have this strange fear of good embies not making it to freeze (ones that might've had a chance if transferred) and with me only ever transferring one at a time, well you get the picture. In any case, I prayed very hard not to have that moral dilemma and sure enough G-d heard me and said "okee dokee". :-) I'm glad I had the struggle, but now I'm glad I don't need to replay it. Sure, I might have trouble TTC #4, but for the time being I can enjoy being a "fertile after infertility", just like you did with Allison.

nancy said...

Anon, I totally agree with you. This is definately coming from a place of succeeding.

Sarah R said...

Well said!

Andrew was "easy" to conceive -- only took 7 months. Then I had an early loss @ 5 weeks when he was almost a year -- got pregnant again 5 months later only to lose that one @ 12 weeks (baby measured 8 weeks). I was blessed to be pregnant again 5 months later and I got my beautiful Elise and I honestly thank my stars that things happened the way they did because otherwise I wouldn't have her. She is my chubby little cherub. ♥

Robin said...

Good post. I often think that things happen for reasons, and though I am not religous.. it seems like in the end we end up where we are supposed to be.

I'm just hoping in the end to feel like it was all worth the wait, the misery, and the money. It seems like that's what is going to happen, but I sure as hell hope so.

Kymberli said...

On the other side of it, I can whole-heartedly say that I agree with you. Still, especially because I'm still jumping through IF hoops in my quest to be a surrogate, there is a part of me that still wishes that I could have had issue-free conceptions and vaginal deliveries (my 4 c-sections are now presenting as a potential issue for proceeding with my current journey). Despite the IF arrows I'm still blocking, I will forever feel grateful that I too, have some hard-won pregnancies. I know that it's given me an appreciation, clarity, and empathy that I otherwise may not have had.

Anonymous said...

I've never commented before but this post reminded me a bit of my own journey to become a mom. We tried for 27 months for our first. Then when he was just 8 months old we got a surprise BFP. Both of my babies were very much wanted but sometimes I feel weird that I didn't have to try for my second. I worry that people who don't know my story won't realize that I know what it's like to TTC for a long time with no success. I feel blessed every day to have been through what I've been through and to be where I am.

jenn said...

I also agree- I didn't ever think I would be grateful for my struggle in the thick of it, but here I am... I wouldn't change a moment of it. Not only did I learn a lot about what kind of people my hubby & I were, we had time to truly think about the choices and decisions we wanted to make with our family. We were tested in many ways and became stronger for it. I learned a whole lot of very valuable lessons that I may not ever have learned otherwise.
There is an appreciation for every moment now- a patience and a calmness that I am not sure we would have if we had been 'fertiles'.
Now- if anyone would have dared say that to me after 20 failed cycles, or my umpteenth visit with the 'cam', I may have tried to deck them!

~*JaYmE*~ said...

I agree. As much as TTC sucked I'm glad I can tell my son this story and he will know how loved & wanted he was! I'm not ashamed one bit!

Kristin said...

It's such a beautiful post. I can identify with so much that you said.

Jen said...

I'm going to agree with everyone else and tell you "well said". Everything everyone goes through in life you learn from, and grow from as well.

Life takes you on a journey, and you never know what you are going to get, but everything does happen for a reason. No matter what or how it happened you know have three beautiful kids!

Chocolate Mom aka Blupoetres said...

We did IVF to get my littlest one and it was the best thing I've ever done in my life. My heart is filled with both joy and sadness...Joy because it worked for us, and sadness because I know countless friends that it didn't work for.

My advice to anyone TTC is always, when you're ready physically, mentally, and sometimes even spiritually, your baby will find its way to you.

I hope that's not too corny but it worked for us!