Thursday, January 31, 2008

Does this progesterone make my boobs look big?

Holy moly.

The progesterone I'm taking sure is doing a doozy to my system today. Well, not my "system" so much as my boobs. Sensitive and they feel like they are about to bust out of my bra (pun intended).


I feel much better now that I have the IVF ball rolling. Thank you to everyone who took the time to comment today. There is still some hope for tomorrow's beta, but I'm definitely not holding my breath. At least the beta will put a finality to this without making me wait for AF. Silver lining, right?

Hey - has anyone using blogger noticed spellcheck isn't working? I click it, but nothing happens. Although I don't proof read, I do like to run spellcheck.

We talked about our "next step"

Me and the hubby talked about the next step.

It really started out as him not knowing what to do with me this morning. I was obviously upset and he sat next to me, just to hold me. Which, of course, made me cry.

I sobbed "I'm sorry I can't give you another child. Your chance for a son." His reaction startled me. He told me that he will never be upset with me if I can't give him another child. He said that although he ~wants~ another one, if it doesn't happen, he won't be devastated. He'll be happy with what we have. And while I also will be (and I am happy with what we have), I will be devastated when we come to the end of our journey. How can you not be? How can you work so hard at something and have to quit, without being devastated? I know I can still have a great life with this as our ending in search of #3, but I'm not going to be happy with the ending itself.

Anyway, I talked about how the next step is going to be a big one. It's going to be even more emotionally draining on me. It's going to be expensive. It's also going to be tough on him with the lifestyle he'll have to abide by for those 6 weeks up until retrieval. He told me that if I am up for it, so is he. He'll do everything he has to do. But if I don't want to take the next step, he won't push me. While I'm happy he's so open, it does make me feel that he doesn't want this as much as I do. But I know that's not true and he's just being a good husband.

I called my RE's office and they are calling the insurance company today, for pre-approval. (And let me just say that I thank my lucky stars for this new insurance everyday. It fell into our laps when I never thought we'd have IF coverage in a million years.) I have to submit some documentation myself, as does my OB's office, to prove I was in "treatment" a full year ago. Easy enough to prove, I just have to jump through the hoops. Once all the information is with the insurance company, they will go to review and will give me a pre-approval letter and then I can start my first IVF cycle. I'm unsure how this timing will work, but I sure do hope it works out without too much of a wait. My time is running out and I need to start this sooner rather than later.

Wow. I'm going to do IVF.

That answers that.

11dpIUI & now negative. Trigger is out showing that nothing else is in.

The tarot to go along with it:

"The Six of Swords card suggests that my power today lies in transition. I have what I need and am willing to trust the process order to move on, seek refuge or new opportunity. I'm not willing to remain where my perceptions are invalidated but being vulnerable I must rely on guidance to move in a new direction "

and the daily horoscope:

"You may not always trust your intuition, but today it's more accurate than ever and sending you messages you can't afford to miss. Pay attention, but wait for a while if you think it's important. "

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

No comments please.

I suddenly have this feeling that this isn't going to be my cycle.

With all the excitement of still getting bfps, I just know it's still from my trigger. (for those of you not reading today - it's 11 days past original hcg trigger of 6,666 UIs and only 5 days past the support trigger of 3,334 UIs of hcg).

Even though I have my first triphasic chart of my life, I know it still doesn't mean anything.

I just I know tomorrow's BFN at 11dpIUI is going to happen. I know I'm going to get another BFN at 12dpIUI. I know my beta that day will show nothing.

I was so full of hope until just a little while ago, where I just got a sudden feeling that this is not my month. I will have to continue on to IVF where I don't know what the outcome will be.

Wow, a sudden sadness has just overcome me.

This isn't for anyone to try to lift my spirits or to try to get "good lucks" coming my way. I just wanted to put this out in a place someone would understand. And just listen to.

Questions & Answers, Part II

Okay, that was ~wonderful~ everyone! Thank you SO very much!! I had to take some time out to actually get some work done today - but I see there were more questions asked, so I'll go ahead and answer them here.

And really, thanks for supporting me today. As the day has worn on, I've gotten more at peace with knowing in my heart that I simply still have the trigger in my system. Although I want more than anything for it to be from a baby growing in there, all signs point to trigger. It's still not all lost, of course, it's only 10dpIUI - I don't start giving up hope until BFNs at 12dpo. I still have a good two days of hope in me!

With no further ado ... (had to look that one up. I typed "ado", but then thought it was "adieu". Both real words, but "ado" is the right on)

Q: What did you do to stop your fish from being mean to me after that first visit? Or was it their idea all on their own?
A: I had a stern talking with them.

Q: What is your relationship with your in-laws like?
A: Really good. His dad still mystifies me at times - I sometimes think he doesn't like me, but then I guess that's just his personality. I love them both though. Cool, eh?

Q: When getting dressed in the morning, do you put your left sock or your right sock on first (assuming you are wearing socks)?
A: left first.

Q: When getting undressed, do you take your left sock or your right sock off first?
A: left again.

Q: Same questions as above, but in regard to which pant leg goes on and off first.
A: I actually had to stand up and pretend to take off my pants. Left yet again.

Q: What kind of tree would you be and what would you think of being pruned?
A: One of those pink blossoming trees. I don't know what they are called. Maybe crab apple? heh. And totally no pun intended with the "crab" part. I would like to be pruned because all the dead stuff would be cut away, allowing the best growth out of me.

Q: What kind of animal would you be and, if you lived in a zoo, would you feel oppressed or be delighted that you got your basic needs taken care of without any effort AND got to watch a parade of goofy humans visiting almost every day?
A: I'd be a hippo. They looks so peaceful yet they are fucking hardcore. I'd be hyped about having everything taken care of, but the loss of freedom? I don't know if it would make up for it. I think of it as being a "kept woman" and having everything I want given to me, but not being able to go do what I'd want. I'd rather be poor and free than rich in prison.

Q: What activity do you like so much and think others are missing out on to great detriment that you actively promote it? (Besides the obvious, sex, roller derby, etc).
A: Regularly scheduled massages.

Q: What do you think is the most under-rated food?
A: The egg.

Q: The most over-rated food?
A: Caviar. Although kind of seems like I'm countering my last answer because this is an egg too, but this is a gross egg. Balls of fish juice. Ick.

Q: As an alternative to the books question, what 3 movies would you take to a desert island, and why?
A: Fight club cause it's bad ass. Office space cause it's funny. A christmas story because it wouldn't ever feel like Christmas without it (even on a desert island).

Q: What person have you lost contact with that you are most curious about?
A: Jason and/or Damian. And Jill and Scout.

Q: If you got a chance to name a mountain after yourself, which would it be? Which river?
A: Don't know. I'm not into geography, so I don't know mountains/rivers enough to answer.

Q: When's your wedding anniversary, and why did you choose that date?
A: July 14th. We wanted a summer wedding and that's just the date that things worked out for.

Q: If you could learn how to make the best ever any kind of food, meal, or dish, what would you want to be the best cook of?
A: Sushi.

Q: What is the worst thing you ever did in school?
A: Hrm. Tie. In high school, I walked out of my french class and threw my book on the teacher's foot. In college, I slept through my very last final of my senior year because I was drunk.

Q: If you could be best friends with any president-- past, present,or prospective; living or dead-- who would it be? Why?
A: Another one I can't really answer. I'm not into politics nor history. (man, some of these questions are so good and I look like an idiot by not having answers!)

Q: If you owned your own business, what would it be in?
A: Something that would change someone's life for the better. I think RE's have the coolest job to be able to give children to some women who would otherwise not have them. I would want to do something that life altering.

Q: If you had to lose a limb or organ, which would you give up and why?
A: Oh boy. What a question! A limb? What is the definition of a limb? Just arms/legs? I guess I would choose a leg. I would lose out on some ways to get around, but I could make due with one leg. What I wouldn't want to lose is most of my sense of "touch", which is felt through the hands.

Q: What kind of car do you drive?
A: A mom car. A ford freestyle. But as I look at Ford, looks like they've replaced it with this. The top picture looks like my car.

Q: A FNP prescribes 100mg of prometrium to be taken CD 15-28. Patient started the pill on CD 24 (or Tuesday), they will be taken until CD28 which is Saturday. On Monday patient has to start BCP again. Typical cycle length is 29 days. Prometrium was prescribed because FNP think the progesterone level is too low for the amount of estrogen in one's body- blood test results aren't back to prove what actual levels are yet. Will one's menses be delayed due to the progesterone, and that in combination with starting the bcp 1.5 days later, will that cause BTB, or just a funky late menses?
A: Whoa. I'm not an RE, so I can't even begin to tell you! But why would someone go on progesterone if birth control pills were going to start to be taken anyway? What would be the point? Without birth control pills, I can say that progesterone ~can~ delay start of AF, but not always. If the levels are high enough to fool body, it can be delayed. Or not. On each treatment cycle, I'm on 200mg of progesterone for my entire LP and I always end up getting AF. But given birth control pills, that's going to rise estrogen levels too, so it would probably fool the body into thinking AF shouldn't come, so I would guess that a combination of bcp ~and~ progesterone would keep AF at bay. But again, I'm not a doctor.

Q: What's your favorite movie and why?
A: I'm really into fight club again. It's really a complex movie.

Q: tell us about the contents of you cereal cabinet.
A: heh. Lucky charms, fruity cheerios, fiber one, fiber one flakes. That's it!

Q: If you could have any super powers what would it be and why.
A: The ability to stop time - but being able to bring anyone into my "time stop" with me. No fun by myself.

Q: Can AF start while you are taking progestrone supplements?
A: This is a reoccurring question. Yes, it can.

Q: What kind of toothpaste do you use?
A: Crest.

Q: Have you ever been a smoker (cigarettes)? If so, do you still crave one every once in awhile?
A: Yes, I was in high school and for a short time after college. Nope, I don't crave them.

Q: Have you always wanted three children or has this number materialized over time?
A: I had gone into this wanting two. But when #2 was still in my belly, hubby said he wanted another and I agreed. Since then, I've wanted three. I don't know if it's because he said he wanted one or if I would of made that choice given the time to make it.

Q: How many siblings do you have (not including IL's) and what are the age/sex of each?
A: 4 brothers and 1 sister. Brothers are: 15 yrs older, 13 yrs older, 10 yrs older and 8 months older (half brother). Sister is 7 years older.

Q: Do you have pets?
A: 2 cats. 1 tortoise. Lots of fish (including a frog).

Q: How old was Ella the first time you left her with someone else overnight? How did you feel about it? Was it easier with Allie the first time you left her overnight since you'd done it before?
A: I honestly don't remember how old Ella was. Wow, I can't believe I don't remember. It was with my mother though and it wasn't a big deal to me. I had pumped enough breastmilk for her to eat. With Allie, she was 3 months old and again, easy. No, it wasn't "easier" as I never had a hard time with it. I think it's very important to be able to have a life away from your children - a way to keep you as YOU. I am ~not~ just "mother of two girls". I'm also "Nancy". I don't want to be away from them a lot, but I am happy I can be away once in awhile.

Q: How do you do it all? I work don't have children and I feel like pulling out my hair sometimes trying to keep up with laundry and dishes. How do you manage work, being a mommy, keeping your house in one piece and keeping a spark in your marriage?
A: It all comes on you slowly. Had you picked me up when I was single or even newly married and dumped me into this life, I'd never of survived.

Q: You're really outgoing on line and it sounds like that carries over IRL. Is your husband really outgoing too or is he shy?
A: You know, he seems shy/quiet when you first meet him. But given the opportunity for him to get comfortable, he's just as outgoing as I am.

Q: Would you mind reading this post and providing input? I know you're in HR and I thought maybe you'd have an opinion on whether my interpretation of the whole job offer thing holds water. I know you're not in the same state and I don't expect you to research anything. I just want to know what your instinct says.
A: I got a bachelor's degree in Business Management, focusing in Human Resources in 1995. I worked in HR from 1995-1997. Since then, I haven't been back. And I also never focused in labor laws. I don't know what kind of position of them being 'bankrupt' does to your job offer. Yeah, they promised you a salary, but if the company goes under, I don't know if that gets them out of it. I would definitely call your state's Department of Labor office and ask them what to do. They can give you the real deal. Totally sounds crappy though - they aren't letting you go so you don't have a way to collect unemployment, but they aren't offering to pay you for any hours worked. It's obviously a joke, like you said it was. Ugh. That sucks. Sorry!

Q: do you know of me or am i just random to you?
A: Well, I know you from the fact you've been commenting to me for a very long time - from my first blog! But since you never link to your own stuff, I don't really know "you". I've gathered some info over the timeframe, but not enough for me to be able to tell lots back to you. If you are someone I "knew" from another forum, I'm not aware of it - but if you are, I would like to know. Whenever you post, I "know" you, but I don't "know" you - you don't give me much help in that arena though!

Q: How many pairs of uggs do you have and what color ( i am a serious ugg lover)
A: Just one. Pair of plain tan "classics". I almost got the dark chocolate brown, but in the store, I wasn't too impressed.

Q: If you could have any handbag in existence what would it be?
A: You know, I would love to have an answer, as I ~love~ handbags, but I don't. Because most handbags are completely out of my reach, I don't focus on them. I have an arsenal of Coach bags, but that's because they are relatively cheap - the designer handbag of the poor. I can tell you, however, I ~will~ buy a pair of christian louboutin heels before I turn 40.

Q: What do you think of someone wanting only one child?
A: I think that's completely fine and a personal choice. Although I think a child can have a good time growing up with a sibling, I don't think it's necessary.

Q: What is the part of your body you hate the most and what part do you love?
A: I hate my muffin top. My lord, when did my love handles get so bad? Ugh. Hate them. I love my boobs. I've never been able to love those before, so I'm taking advantage.

Questions and Answers

Here is a list I'll just keep updating as the day proceeds. As I get a new comment from my last post, I'll list them here. PLEASE READ THE POST BELOW THIS ONE!

(and, by the way, you guys RULE for helping me out today!!)

Q: how did your husband propose to you. . .how did you meet?
A: We met in the most romantic place on earth. A bar. He proposed on the peak of a mountain, while snowboarding in Breckenridge. We just got off the lift and made our way over to an off-map run the locals call "never never land", a tree run. He told me something was wrong with his binding, so I stopped. He took off his snowboard and before I knew it, he's on one knee with a ring box in his hand. I sat there, snowboard strapped on, goggles and a big helmet bobble head. Being proposed to. It was awesome.

Q: What is your dream vacation?
A: Anything involving a warm sandy beach. I love the ocean, more than anything else in the world. I would like to go somewhere exotic, like tahiti or a place like that.

Q: What is your biggest pet peeve dealing with driving?
A: People in the fast lane who don't move over when you come up behind them.

Q: If you were given 24 hours to move from your home, where would you move? It could be anywhere in the world as long as you have NOT lived there before.
A: Boston. (I wouldn't want to live overseas, so this is a boring answer!)

Q: Tell us about how you & hubs met, please?
A: Since already asked, I'll answer a bit more. We had seen each other at this particular bar a few times about a year previous to our actual official meeting. We had played pool against each other, but we both had a boyfriend/girlfriend, so nothing was ever said. We did think each other was "cute" though. So when he walked in that night, everything fell into place. Except for the fact the reason I hadn't seen him for the previous year was he was living in texas! He was moving back in four months though. So, after an amazing weekend together (yeah, I'm easy), he asked "so what now?". I took a chance and said "In a perfect world, we'll wait for each other over the next for months and when you come back, we'll be together." He agreed! Over the next 2 weeks, we talked a handful of times on the phone, but not much. We're both not huge phone talkers. Well, two weeks later, I get a call from him telling me "We have to talk. I have to go to work now, but I was hoping you'll be home tonight so I can call." Uh-oh. Here it comes. 2 weeks and he's already done waiting. I wait and wait that night, no call. Then my doorbell rings. There he was, standing there in front of his little car packed with all his stuff. He said he put in his two weeks notice the day he got back to Texas from seeing me. That was 10 years ago next month. We haven't been apart since.

Q: What is the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to you?
A: Back in high school, I dated a guy who had a kid. (awesome, eh?). Well, being so young, his mother adopted the child so he was her biological father and her adoptive brother. They lived in a small house so he had to share a room with her (fair in my eyes). We were in the room, doing what horny teenage kids do (remember, I said I was easy) and right in the middle of it, his mother walked in, carrying his sleeping daughter. Imagine the position I was in, literally. We was on top, I was half hanging off the bed, so I was looking at her upside down. My leg was up in the air and he was holding my ankle up in the air. Good lord. His mother stopped and we stopped. She just looked at us a moment, shook her head, and proceeded to lay the baby down in her crib. She then walked out and shut the door. It took me a good 2 hours to come out of the room. I had to pass the living room to get out. She stopped us for "the talk". She says the common "there will be none of that under my roof!" and he asks back "what about in the backyard?". Oh. My. God. I thought I was going to die.

Q: How do you explain colors, excluding black and white, and what they look like to a blind person that has been blind all his life?
A: Oh boy. This one will keep me pondering. In fact, I've thought about this before and never had an answer. I would probably try to use sensations that the blind person does have, like touch. IE: red being a hot color.

Q: What was your first tattoo? Any special meaning to it? If you had to do it over, would you get that one again?
A: It was the one on my lower back - I think the most popular place for any 18 year old girl. No special meaning, although I did scour book after book for the perfect design. It's an intricate design with vines. And yes, I would get that one again. Although I would have made it go closer to m hips instead of how 'short' it is. Since I got bigger as I got older, my love handles look even bigger because of the tattoo.

Q: At a recent birthday party there were four mothers and their children. aged 1, 2, 3 and 4. From the clues below can you work out whose child is whose and their relevant ages? It was Jane's child's birthday party. Brian is not the oldest child. Sarah had Anne just over a year ago. Laura's child will be 3 next birthday. Daniel is older than Charlie. Teresa's child is the oldest. Charlie is older than Laura's child.
A: Sarah's child, Ann, is one. Laura's child, Brian, is two. Jane's child, Charlie, is 3. Theresa's child, Daniel, is 4.

Q: Any progress on that "circles of equal angle" problem?
A: No. And I suspect there never will be.

(Holy crap. Sarah r rules! She asked 13 questions!)

Q: What is your middle name?
A: I have two. Alice Ann.

Q: Are you the oldest, middle, or youngest in your family?
A: I'm the baby!

Q: What was your worst job ever?
A: Cleaning the bathrooms in a warehouse - the ones that the "truckers" would use. I have nothing against truckers, but good lord, I've never seen nastier urinals ever. (I cleaned others throughout the building. I did the general cleaning for a cleaning supplies outlet over a summer.) I don't understand how so much hair ended up in there. Maybe they were all hot/sweaty from sitting down and driving all day, so when they did get up to pee, they scratched a lot.

Q: When you put your jacket on, do you hold onto the sleeves so they don't slide up differently than the jacket sleeves?
A: ~totally~. (trigs) And my 3 yr old does it too. Awesome.

Q: What is your favorite Subway sandwich (if you eat there)?
A: Chicken breast, white american cheese, white bread, mustard, a teeny bit of mayo, lettuce, pickles, salad peppers, tomatoes, spinach leaves, cucumbers and salt & pepper.

Q: Do you like the toilet paper to roll from the top or the bottom?
A: Like any female - from the top!

Q: Do you organize your clothes in your closet according to color?
A: They don't stay that way, but yes. And my long/short sleeves too.

Q: What outfit are you wearing today?
A: Olive green cords, white vneck knit shirt, green tank top underneath so I don't look like a whore at work showing my cleavage and my uggs (can't wear any other shoes yet due to my broken foot).

Q: What's the weather like right now where you live?
A: A little chilly due to wind, but sunny. 34 degrees with a wind chill of 23.

Q: Do you wear contacts?
A: Nope.

Q: If I opened your fridge, what would I find the most of?
A: Fruits & Veggies.

Q: Does it drive you nuts when people chew on their pens?
A: Not really - as long as they are quiet about it. But clicking it over and over does. (I'm annoyed by sounds)

Q: Do you like your ice cream in a dish or a cone?
A: I like it in a cone.

Q: What would the soundtrack to your life story be? Minimum of 6 songs.
A: Oh god. I have no idea. I will come back to this one. Let me work on it.

Q: If you were a country, which country would you be? (from a text message from my friend Laurel)
A: You know, I don't know enough about the politics/social aspects of other countries to answer this. Maybe Canada so I can think I'm better than anyone else. (love ya my canadian friends!)

Q: Who is the person you are most "hiding out" from talking to and why? Bonus question for extra credit: What would it be like for you and for them if you took on having the conversation you are avoiding?
A: You. Because you and I don't have the same type of coping mechanisms. When I am trying to stay grounded yet hold onto hope, I don't want you to tell me in so many words: "No matter what you do, you aren't going to allow yourself to find anything that proves the answer you don't want to find, right."

Q: As a public service, what objective standard can you propose for how hard to close a car door, such that it is not taken as "slamming"?
A: If, while sitting inside the car, the door being closed is so loud as to make me jump, that's too hard. No more pressure than the minimum pressure necessary to close a door should be used. Anything above and beyond said pressure is what I consider "slamming".

Q: Have you ever "thanked" an inanimate object for doing something it did well? (For example, thanking a Band-Aid for doing a good job before tossing it into the trash.) If you did, did it make you feel better or stupid after you did it?
A: I commonly thank my car for getting me home after a scary drive home through icy or snowy streets. And it makes me feel better after I do it.

(Whoa. Miss Katarina Jelly Beana is asking a lot too!)

Q: How did you get into roller derby? Did you watch it as a kid on ESPN afterschool like I did?
A: Although I did used to watch it on tv, I actually joined because I felt old. I had just turned 35 and my mother turned 70 a few weeks prior. On my birthday, she kept saying "you are half my age! you are half my age!" and I couldn't believe I was half way to 70! When I saw the flier for open recruit night, I made the decision to go.

Q: If you were trapped on a desert island and could only take 3 books with you, what would they be?
A: I honestly don't know. I read, but I read mystery books, so I don't ever read them twice. I'm trying to think of a book I've read twice and I never had I believe. How much do I suck? I've never read the classics.

Q: Chocolate or vanilla?
A: Vanilla. Although I do like chocolate syrup on top.

Q: Favorite childhood memory?
A: My dad used to play Pink Floyd on the record player and tell me stories about exploring space or some other crazy kind of thing. Although the stories sometimes scared me, I'll never forget how much I loved listening to him.

Q: If you could change one thing about your husband, what would it be?
A: I'd wish that he would be able to conquer his fear of going back to school, so he could try to get his dream job. It's not about the money, because he'd actually be making less than what he makes now, but I want him to be happy.

Q: Would you want to see Spam made?
A: Yeah. But only after they "meat" is collected. I wouldn't want to see that.

Q: Pretend you're in Hell. In your mind, who would be doing an infinity run on the mainstage in Hell...and you have a permanently reserved table up front?
A: Rush.

Q: If you could resurrect any tv series and have it continue with its original brilliance, what would it be?
A: 60 on the Sunset Strip.

Q: What do you want to be when you grow up?
A: Did I? Or do I? I ~wanted~ to be an architect and then an anesthesiologist. I want to be a chemist.

Q: Name 3 reasons why today is great that have nothing to do with temperature, urine or uteri.
A: 1) Since I've gained a bit of my weight back, my pants haven't been fitting too great. But this morning, I found an old pair and they fit great. And I like them. 2) It's my first day back to work with eyebrows that aren't growing out of control because I finally got them waxed last night. 3) The house in cleaned, the dishes are done. Tonight's schedule includes rest and relaxation without worrying about any chores to be done.

Q: Have you ever sent anything to that guy who has that "send my your secrets" website? If so, what was it?
A: Nope. But if I did, I would be breaking the rules of sending in a secret, since it has to be a secret you've ~never~ told anyone. ( for those of you who have never seen this)

Q: Ok, child number 3 girl or boy, which would you prefer or is there no preference?
A: I want a girl because I already have two girls and none of it will be a surprise to me. Plus, everything I own for children are girl things. Adding in a boy will totally be more expensive. But, hubby really wants a boy, so I do want a boy for him.

Q: What was your absolute favorite birthday gift?
A: The birth of my second daughter, Allison. I didn't have her on my birthday, but labor started that day, so I knew she was on her way. It's like she told me she was coming to meet me for my birthday. (I could have done without 3 days of labor though)

Q: What is your favorite season and why?
A: I like summer. I love warm summer rain. I love to be able to do things outside without bundling up. I love to feel the heat on my skin. Plus, it means I can go to the ocean!

Q: I'd like to know what are your 3 biggest fears in life. Are they different then ten years ago?
A: 1. Anything happening to my children. 2. Anything happening to me because of my children. 3. Anything happening to my husband, because of my children. And yes, totally different. 10 years ago I was more afraid of failing at something - losing my job, house, etc. But now all my priorities have changed to completely revolve around them.

Q: What was your favorite time period of your life?
A: Honestly, the past 4 years. Due to the children.

Q: What kind of animal would you want to be? And why?
A: Housecat. Easy live and lots of love.

Q: Have you ever had sex outside?
A: Yup.

Q: Do you already have the 'big sex talk' planned out for when your kids are older?
A: Not planned, but I'll definitely have it.

Q: What's the farthest you've ever been from home?
A: Mazatlan, Mexico.

Q: Since you are an adopted Irishwoman, how do you celebrate St. Patrick's Day?
A: Our friends put on a huge st patty's day party each year. But that's on the weekend around the day. ON St patty's day, we fly to wherever Flogging Molly is playing to see them. This year it's Tempe, AZ, as it was last year.

Q: I'm sorry, the only question I can think of is when will you be convinced that a BFP on a test is Real? (That is if they are to stay positive) 11dpo? 12dpo? Will 14dpo be enough for you?
A: If darker tomorrow, I'll definitely believe it. If still light tomorrow, it'll be a toss up, so I'll have to wait until blood test on 12dpo because my RE said the trigger would be out by then.

Q: Who are your Heroes and why?
A: My heroes are all women who have gone through infertility. But mostly, it's the women who have tried for years, only to fail - but still being able to go one with their lives. I was serious when I said I was inspired by the women who have come to the conclusion they are living childfree. It's one of the most touching things I have ever encountered.

Q: If you won 1 million dollars, what would you do with it?
A: Too bad a million bucks isn't that great anymore. I would invest half of it, only to use interest when I wanted to. The other half would go to an appropriate sized house for the family and of course, a spending spree for anything I wanted. Although I would try to only get things we'd actually use, not getting crazy with it. Maybe try to find a small house by the beach. It wouldn't get me a lot, but I bet I could find something within a few miles of the beach.

Q: Would your answer be different if you won 10 million dollars? and why?
A: Yup. Cause I'd find a bigger house near a better beach!

Girls (and guys), today is "help Nancy out" day.

I need a distraction. I need to stop looking at a chart that could mean nothing. I need to stop thinking about bfps that could mean nothing.

So, I declare today "Help Nancy Out" day. I ask each one of you to ask me a question. Any question. Any strange off hand question. Any personal question. Any mundane question.


And when I say "you", I mean YOU. Yeah - you - reading this right now. I don't care if you've never ever commented before. I don't care if you don't even like me and you read my blog just to find new ways to hate me. You don't have to leave your name. Be anonymous if you want. Just ask me a question.

I'm setting myself up right now too. If no one asks me anything, I'm going to feel like a gigantic dork. So please, ask me a question.

10dpIUI updates (now with confession!)

My chart is beautiful. It's my first official "triphasic" chart ever. (but if you would read the link, you'll see that although promising, it also can mean absolutely dick). I've gotten close to having one before, but my temp moved up to the next level before 8dpo. It's the first time I've had FF say "Implantation Signs: Possibly Triphasic on Day 28".

My poas odyssey shows another light bfp. Remember folks, I got the hcg trigger twice this cycle. The first was 6,666 UIs day before ovulation and the second was 3,334 UIs 5 days past ovulation. Yeah, the last time I got LP support hcg shots and the last one was at 6 days past ovulation showing a bfn on 10dpo is neither here nor there. This cycle I have not been able to pee a negative yet, so nothing means anything. Except that my hpt is totally most likely trigger shot still in my system.

So that's that.

Okay, that's not that.

I remembered I had two digital tests in my sock drawer. Yes, yes, I know what I said about digitals. But I did ~not~ buy them. A girl at work gave them to me once she used the first one out of the 3 pack to determine she was pregnant on her first cycle trying. (bitter much nance?) Well, I figure "hey, since these internet cheapies suck, I'll try one that says it only detects 25-50 UIs of hcg and that will tell me". So I dig one out, pee on it (hrm, not FMU, but I still hadn't had anything to drink and I hadn't peed for almost 2 hours) and wait. Damn, those things take awhile to show up. There's no peeking before the 3 minutes up on these tests! A few minutes later and I see "pregnant". What a neat thing to see.

Then the rational part of my brain wakes back up and says "wait a minute, we have just determined there is, indeed, hcg in your system. And we have no idea if it is or if it isn't from the trigger. So why the hell did you just waste another test? It's not like the digitals only pick up natural hcg and not trigger!" So yes, I'm a confessed moron. But, it WAS, in fact, cool to see "pregnant" on a digital test. I may have to change my mind on those (but only after confirmation so "pregnant" actually means "pregnant".

And, if you've been a reader since last October, you'll remember the trigger of October '07. And I see myself going there again. So I'm going to just accept, right now, that I can't figure this out and I must wait. No more peeing with tell me anything. At least for today. ~wink~

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Word Verification.

For the record, I loathe word verification on blog commenting forms. I don't know if it's just because I'm a moron, but I rarely get them on the first try.

And it seems that most bloggers have this set to "on". Why? Do you just get a lot of spammers if you don't have it turned on? I don't have it turned on my blog and I've only had one spammer in a year and a half of blogging. (although I probably just jinxed it.) But then again, I guess I don't get a lot of comments, so I probably am not in the category of even getting spammers. I'm too small time for them to mess with!

I think my record was trying to put in those random letters about 5 or 6 times, before I finally said forget it and cancelled out of it. No comment is worth that, right? I just think I'm not too good at doing it. I read/type too fast so I make mistakes. Plus, their "j" and "i" look exactly alike.

Another thing - how many of you, when typing out the word verification letters, "sound it out"? Seriously - every time I am given a set of letters, I read it like it's a word. I get a kick when the word sounds extra funny or even makes sense in some way.

ahhh. I'm rambling. Well, I'm off to get waxed!

oh yes, my 9dpIUI poas update.

Still a bfp from trigger. I was hoping to get a nice BFN today, so tomorrow's 10dpIUI would be a "real" poas day, but I won't have anything to compare to.

I have been poas since a few days after last trigger and they all have been getting progressively lighter. Today, per my 1,000IUs of Hcg/day being processed, I could have as much as 500UIs. But it was still really light. Actually, it's just as light as it was yesterday. I don't see much change between yesterday and todays. These internet cheapies sure don't give a lot of information.

All I can do now is poas again tomorrow and hope to see a darker line that today. But at 10dpo, the line would be really light anyway, so even ~if~ there was any hCG to detect, without a negative reference, it's not going to mean much.


Holy crap. I got tagged!

I never get tagged! Okay, sometimes - like once or twice in 2 years. But I got tagged! You know, I saw someone else say they didn't have anyone to tag because "everyone has already been tagged." Damn. I almost left her a 'woe is me' comment!

Anywho, wishing...hoping... praying tagged me. I don't actually know her real name, but I know her blog. (trigs) She's was ttc#2 and got the prize before she had to go on to losing her mind like some of us. She's 1/4 of the way through her pregnancy and I wish the best for her. (/trigs)

Onto the game ...

The rules are simple: link to the person who tagged you, list the rules in your blog, share six non-important quirks about yourself, tag at least 3 people, and leave those you tagged a comment so they can play too!

(this is going to be hard, because I'm an over sharer enough as it is)

1. My first kiss wasn't until I was 16. Total tomboy - always surrounded by boys, but always their "friend". But that first kiss unlocked everything - before I turned 17, I had already lost my virginity. Kissing was my "gateway drug".

2. I'm a professional massage addict. I get a massage every 3 weeks at the very least. When I have more cash flow, it's every week or every two weeks.

3. I have a substantial back injury from giving birth to Allison. My sacrum is twisted, causing me to have "facet joint disease" which means the joint in my lower back is extremely inflamed (shown via MRI) and the nerves are irritated coming out of the facet joint itself. Those nerves are pissed off and they let me know it, every minute, of every day. Chronic pain is another disease not many people understand. Think about infertility, you didn't understand it until you were in it's shoes, right? Same thing with chronic pain. Many people just think we are crybabies or drug addicts (due to the meds we take) but I would give my life's savings to never have to take another pain med as long as I live. There is never a moment my back isn't sending me shooting pains out my sides.

4. I've been snowboarding since I was a senior in high school. That was the end of 1989. That's 18 seasons so far.

5. Make that 17 seasons. I was out for an entire year because on the first day of the season in 1997, I missed a gap jump, landed into the side of the mountain and broke my lower right leg in half. That's right boys and girls - entire bone sticking into the skin, where you could see the end, but it didn't break through the skin. I didn't have health insurance so said no to the ambulance and had my friend drive all the way from salida to colorado springs (about 2 hours) and drop me off at a local hospital. I had 2 surgeries, screws and plates in my leg, a week in the hospital, 2 weeks at home unable to walk and almost $50,000 in hospital bills. People at work took up a collection for me for me to pay my rent (no sick time either) which was awesome. The hospital tried to sue me within 6 months of not paying them their $50k and I was forced to declare bankruptcy in 1998. That finally falls off my record this year. I suggest that if you don't have health insurance, don't do anything considered "dangerous", even if you think you are good. This was a freak accident and I paid dearly for it.

6. I was a child model for jcpenney catalogs. heh.

Now I tag my 'batcave' girls (inside joke) - Katie, Tammy, Jenn, Jewels & Monica. And I tag Glenn, my favorite non-"batcave gir"l.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Pineapple #3 is done.

Good lord. The cores are getting harder and harder to eat. My tongue is swelling more and itching more. In fact, it feels "raw". Yuck. This was a hard one. Really hard one.

But my reward to is go eat some of the nice juicy flesh, not that the entire core is in my tummy.

Damn you cores. Damn you straight to hell! (unless of course I get a BFP and I would like to welcome you to my house Friday evening for dinner!)

As I start to obsess...

I had a nice temp jump today on my chart. Now, I know that post-o temps really don't mean much until that elusive BFP is found. I know most temp "signs" are totally hindsight - only after a bfp do they mean anything. I've had plenty of great charts with bfns at the end. But, I do notice things that miss hope have pointed out to me.

Great. I have a nice temp jump at 8dpo. Mind you, after a nice temp dip yesterday at 7dpo. ~If~ I ended up with a bfp, I would be able to point out "implantation dip! Triphasic pattern! (if it continues)". I know charts still show these patterns with nothing to show at the end. And I also know pregnancy charts don't need to show these types of patterns. But, like I said, miss hope is holding me by the hand and pointing these things out.

After glaring at my chart for awhile, I go check my morning email. I check my daily tarot first.

"The Empress card affirms that my alter ego today is a Domestic Diva, whose superpower is to conceive. I shall indulge the pleasure of a delicious obsession with room to enhance my standard."

You've got to be kidding me.

Then, I read my only other daily horoscope email, my general outlook for the day.

"You'll be dealing with your share of nervous energy. It's exhausting, sure, and you've just about had it. But if you can keep your eye on the ball for a few more weeks, you'll have everything you were after."


Sunday, January 27, 2008


Let the obsessions begin!!!

For the first week of the 2ww, I obviously can't obsess over anything. And I'm surprised over the people who do obsess about it. What I'm more surprised is when people pay attention to the obsessing. It's one thing to keep track of your "symptoms" from 1-6dpo/dpIUI, but to publish them?

This is why I cannot go to that crazy website I'll admit that I love their hpt gallery and I have gone there quite often. But those are concrete things to look at. HPTs. Hard evidence. The rest of the site? For me, not one word is credible. Seriously - they devote an entire section to women listing out their "symptoms from 0-6dpo". Like I said, it's one thing to think of them yourself, it's another thing to publish them - and it's quite another thing for a website listing them out like they are possibilities. If ~I~ was the owner of the website, I wouldn't list a damn thing about 0-6dpo because, well, it's simply impossible for your body to know it if you were pregnant!

One of my pet peeves I guess. Those women who say "oh, I knew I was pregnant at conception". Oh shut up. You did not. It is physiologically impossible for your body to "know" it's pregnant until implantation. A non-conceived egg and a conceived egg both have to float it's way through the fallopian tubes before it has a chance to implant. And a conceived egg, while maybe bigger by micrometers, isn't big enough for a tube to notice the difference. Until implantation, when your body goes "oh! there's an egg here, let's start making hCG" it's I.M.P.O.S.S.I.B.L.E. to know.

On the same subject, has anyone ever heard of a coincidence? Just because someone says "my left nipple tingled for an hour at 3dpo" and they ended up pregnant, does not mean nipple tingling at 3dpo means jack shit. But I can't tell you the number of times I read crap like this! It's usually from a newly pregnant girl listing out her symptoms and the things "worked to get me pregnant!". No hunny, I'm sorry, but the fact you hung yourself from the ceiling during sex is not what got you pregnant. The luck of timing got you pregnant. It wasn't because you drank a glass of tea before you had sex. It wasn't because you had a bath before sex. It wasn't because you propped your hips up. It wasn't because you relaxed. Those things are not ways to get pregnant every time. If they were, everyone in the world would try those "tricks" and there would be no such thing as "unexplained infertility". If the woman had accessible eggs and the man had good sperm, every single person in the world would get pregnant by just doing what you think got you pregnant.

Anywho, I'm at 7dpIUI. This is when it's possible for my body to start figuring out it's pregnant ~if~ anything succeeded this month. Of course, I can't pay attention to any "hcg induced" symptoms because I had 2 injections of hCG this cycle. If I was susceptible to getting sick with the teeniest amounts of hcg that is secreted in early pregnancy, the injection would of given me any of those symptoms. But I already know I don't get morning sickness until my hcg levels reach the hundreds of thousands mark - between 7 and 8 weeks pregnant. Little piddly amounts lke 10,000 IUs in a trigger shot doesn't do it, so hcg levels in the teens certainly wouldn't do it.

By the end of this week, I will know. I'll either be able to celebrate or I'll call my RE to get started on what I need to do to start IVF. It's going to be quite a week. I wish I could just be positive. I know the outcome is out of my control and I know there is a chance this could work. But I also know it's a very small chance and I'm usually not that lucky.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

A few quizzes stolen from another blog.

These quizzes have Christy to thank for having them on her blog - getting me to take them too.


Whoa. That's kinda high, don't you think?

You Belong in 1967

You are a free spirit with a huge heart. Love, peace, and happiness rule.

Friday, January 25, 2008

I'm allergic to pineapple.

And I'm forcing myself to eat fresh pineapple (plus the core, of course) for the next 5 days. "They" say pineapple, especially the core, aids in implantation. So I'm going to do anything that might help, which includes allowing my mouth to swell up and itch hours after eating the stuff.

Thank goodness I like the taste. Although the core I could do without. It's gross.


Big blogging day. 3 post in one day and it's only noon.

I'm a talker and blogging seems to calm me when I'm anxious. I guess there's no harm in blogging a lot, except for my readers. I find that when a blogger I read posts many blogs in one day, I end up getting behind and I sometimes end up missing some. I try not to - I make an effort to go back and read them all, but I'm sure I'm the exception.

If you fall behind in a blog you read, do you read back to catch up? Or do you just skip the old ones?

If most people just skip, I would feel that I need to write less, because although I'm not writing to any particular audience, I am writing to be "heard". And if I'm writing too much dribble, the things I think are important might be missed. So be honest - is my dribble getting in the way of you being able to read my blog? Am I simply typing ~too much~?

I find myself thinking about something and I want to "ask the world" about it to get their viewpoints. In this case, I'm thinking about HPTs. (see? this is nothing important to blog about. And if this post got in the way of something I did want people to read, like the "quick note about age differences in dating" post, I'll definitely try to curb my blogging.)

  • I abhor blue dye HPTs. They are the devil incarnated. Which actually doesn't make sense, since "incarnated" means embodied in human form. What I mean then is the opposite of incarnated. It's the devil in the form of a pee stick. Blue dye tends to give evaporative lines, dry or wet. Being an infertile, I've looked at many dried up pee sticks, looking for some type of a line. (When other infertiles tell me they actually throw away their sticks at the 3 minute mark and never look at them again - I think they are either lying or they are actually and alien) And while there are some pink dye brands that give dried "ghost" lines, these blue dye tests give these false ghost lines while wet! The +/- blue dye tests are the worst. I got a definite "+" once, only to have another stick give me a negative before and after the "+". Evil!!! To put this into perspective: I've gotten three false positives from blue dye tests and I've only had 2 boxes in my poas history! That's a lot of sticks. Believe me. Well into the hundreds. I'll test early, starting 9dpo - and I'll test everyday, many times twice a day, until AF shows her face. Even when I know that my 14dpo hpt is totally accurate, I'll still test. Oh - I've even been known to poas after AF arrives - somehow thinking that maybe AF isn't actually AF.
  • FRER are always my confirmation hpt. As stated above, I am a poas addict. To be able to afford my addiction, I buy in bulk. I get them for as cheap as 50 for $25. That's only 50 cents a piece! On my worst days, using two sticks, it only costs me $1. That, I can handle. See, when I want to poas, it's because I'm obsessing. Once I actually get that BFN, I'm cool for now. Of course, I'll want to poas the next day, but for now, I can stop thinking about it. Anywho - FRERs used to be super sensitive - picking up in the 10-15 hcg range. Now they pick up 25, but still, that's early. FRERs have never given me a false positive. FRERs have never given me "ghost" lines. I trust FRER. I know if I see ~something~, I'm seeing a bfp. I've used a good amount of these too - because when I see ~something~ on my internet cheapie, I'll pull out a FRER to confirm. If I could buy FRER for 50 cents each, this would be the only test I would ever buy.
  • Digital hpts suck. No lines to quint over. No dried tests to look at. Bah. Plus, digitals need more hcg than what you can see as a "faint bfp" on a regular stick. So I would end up with a BFN early on if another stick gave me a BFP. No POAS addicts would think this was cool.

Quick note about "age difference in dating"

I just wanted to point out that I am ~not~ against age differences. I just think the youngest person should be mature enough to understand the complications and implications of dating someone much older than themselves. If the youngest is mature enough to handle the relationship, then fine. I have no issues. Maybe something I wouldn't do myself, but I don't go out and roll my eyes at anyone out there with a big age difference. (Actually, I know it's not something I would do myself. Being 35, no matter how mature an 18 year old may be, I couldn't date him. I would find it inherently wrong. But hey, that's just me. At 18, I'd probably think dating a 35 yr old was super cool, but from the other side, looking at it from my viewpoint at the 35 year old? Yeah, i wouldn't be down with it.)

My niece is a 19 yr old girl who acts maybe 13 or 14. And I'm not exaggerating things here. I actually think she has a mental handicap that won't allow her to ~ever~ mature past 13/14. So a 33 yr old man is out of place given this information. Yes, she's "legal" but only by her actual age. She is not mature enough to date another "normal" 19 year old. Unless this man is also mentally handicapped and also never matured past being a teenager, this situation is wrong.

So in my poll, when I ask how young of a person you would date if you were over 30, the available answer options do not include "a very mature 19 yr old". The available options are really more geared toward maturity level ages. The answer of "18" means a normal 18 year old, not an 18 year old who acts way past his years. If you would date an 18 year old but would always add "but he acts like he's 25", then you would probably only date a 25 year old.

5dpIUI 'trigger' injection plus POAS party plans.

I got my 2nd and last hCG injection today. And my hubby did the sticking! I knew he'd have to do it this time, but to make it easier on him (he's terrified of needles), I didn't say a word. As he was ready to leave this morning, coat on and everything, he came up for a goodbye kiss. That's when I turned around and thrust a filled syringe at him and asked him if he wants me to circle the place he needs to stick me. He looked like he even got pissed for a moment and I asked him "please don't at angry with me, I don't like this either" and he chilled out. I turned around, stick!, and it was over. Easy as can be. He looked all empowered when we were done.

For those of you asking "why the 2nd hCG injection?", let me explain. My RE noticed I have a short LP. It's not crazy short, but lingers around 12 days. After the second monitored cycle (This is my 3rd IUI, but my 4th time getting hCG triggers due to monitoring), he noticed my 12 day LP trend, so he talked to me about changing my protocol in that I'll take both progesterone and hcg support throughout my LP. All it will do is help the lining in the LP and will mess with my need to POAS looking for lines.

My last hCG triggered cycle's hcg protocol: reconstitute with 4ccs, trigger w/ 2ccs and 1cc each on 4dpo and 6dpo. This time: reconstitute with 3ccs, trigger w/ 2ccs and 1cc 5dpIUI.

We'll see how it goes this time. Last time, it really screwed with my peeing on a stick. At 8dpo, I was checking on trigger and got a light bfp. I assumed incorrectly that it would be gone by the next day, so when I saw a slightly stronger bfp the next day, I thought it actually worked. Don't ask me why I thought that - I was simply obsessed. At 9dpo, I know that is too early, but it's been known to happen. Even with the trigger, I convinced myself it was it. It got darker, for goodness' sake! But, the next day it was negative again, so there you go. At least I know that at 10dpo, with all my trigger injection cycles, the hcg was not detected anymore.

Anywho, being the mathlete that I am, I did some simple calculations on paper to see when or IF I'd be able to start my pee party at all the cycle.

On average, it takes 10 days for 10,000 IUs of hCG to work it's way through the system. That's 1,000 IUs/24 hours or 500 IUs/12 hours. I know it's not actually this simple and it's not on such a time schedule, but for my calculations, this will work just fine. And we know from 3 previous cycles that 10dpo showed negatives. 9dpo, not so much, but 10dpo was clear.

~ cd21, pm. 6,666 IUs injected.
~ cd22, pm. 5,666 IUs left 1 day past trigger. (insemination day)
~ cd23, pm. 4,666 IUs left 2 days past trigger. (1dpIUI)
~ cd24, pm. 3,666 IUs left 3 days past trigger. (2dpIUI)
~ cd25, pm. 2,666 IUs left 4 days past trigger. (3dpIUI)

~ cd26, am. 2,166 IUs left in system 4.5 days past trigger. I also got a bfp, so definitely still showing hCG. But it wasn't really super dark, which leads me to believe I am passing it faster than this rate, but I won't vary my rates. (4dpIUI)

today, ~ cd27, am. 1,166 IUs left in system 5.5 days past trigger. I got another bfp, lighter than yesterdays But this if these cheapies are this light with ~so much~ hcg? These cheapies must suck! Anywho, I'm still not going to vary these rates for my 'experiment'. (5dpIUI)

today, ~ cd27, am. Added another 3,334 IUs to system, making total 4,500 IUs in system, 5.5 days past initial trigger.

~ cd28, am. 3,500 IUs left 6.5 days past initial trigger. (6dpIUI)
~ cd29, am. 2,500 IUs left 7.5 days past initial trigger. (7dpIUI)
~ cd30, am. 1,500 IUs left 8.5 days past initial trigger. (8dpIUI)
~ cd31, am. 500 IUs left 9.5 days past initial trigger. (9dpIUI)
~ cd32, am. All hCG should be gone (as of last night), 10.5 days past initial trigger. (10dpIUI)

~ cd33, am. Thursday, Jan 31st, 11dpIUI - Testing party should be allowed to commence at this point and I could actually look for a bfp if I this cycle is a success.

I initially thought my beta was on 11dpIUI, but it's on 12dpIUI. So I do get to start testing next thursday, 11dpIUI, ~if~ my 10dpIUI hpt is clearly negative. Yay.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

"What is wrong with you?" (& poll)

I got a call from my sister this morning. I guess the not pregnant niece got her package...

I was chatting over the unfairities of life w/ a friend when my other line beeped.

"What is wrong with you?" the person on the other line seethed. Ah. Sisterly love.

See, after I found out my stupid sister is allowing a 33 year old man to stay the night and diddle her teenage daughter, I sent my niece a gift. A giant box of condoms. And hey - they were nice condoms! Trojans lubricated w/ spermicide. No, I didn't go as far as getting her something for "her ~and~ his pleasure", but I spent over $30 on the box. She obviously needs them if she had a pregnancy scare.

The package was simply addresses to my niece. No note. Nothing.

So why is my sister calling me up? Was it unethical or immoral to give a teenager condoms? And the audacity to ask what is wrong with me when she is the one who is allowing some out of work 33 year old divorcee, with a teenage child of his own, sleep with her own teenage daughter?

It's one thing for a nineteen year old to have a pregnancy scare with another nineteen year old, but with a man in his 30s? ick.

Hey - I have a poll down at the VERY bottom of my page on the right ... Can you please take it for me? (I had to repost the poll because people voted while I was still adding in the options, so if you were one of the first 3 to vote last time, please re-vote!)

"I have never knowingly taken steroids"

Holy shit.


First up, what happened to their necks? They don't have one anymore! Gone. Vanquished. At least you can get a leg up on these guys by just sneaking up behind them. Or hell, walk up right next to them. Without a neck, there's nothing more than peripheral vision! Even if they can turn their non-necks a fraction to the side, their giant muscles would get in the way.

Secondly - what's up with the middle guys penis? It's sticking straight up in his little speedos. And it's teeny. hah.

Next is the fake tan alert. Not that I have to alert anyone - as it's so obvious. But that first guy doesn't even look like it's anywhere near a natural color. And I don't mean he's not that tan. No tan can make someone that strange color. Look at his calves/ankle/foot. How weird does that look?

Another thing that really creeps me out is the veins on the last guy. He looks like a map. Ack. Totally grosses me out.

Last, but definitely not least - their knees. What. The. Fuck. I understand the concept of building the muscle and the knee has no muscle to it. So the knee stays normal shape as they increase their muscles to unnatural proportions around them, but look at them! How seriously grotesque does that look? Same thing for their teeny heads. Weird.

Please tell me, what women ~likes~ men like this? Does anyone? I couldn't imagine this being attractive to anyone else but themselves. And there are some strange laws of attraction out there.

Ick. Body builders are gross.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Infertility sucks.

My last post seems to have stirred up a lot of emotions in me and I feel lost and anxious now. I am in a conversation with myself that there is no way IUI#3 will work. IUIs never work. But then I look at all the IUIs that do work. And I get jealous that they work for others and not me.

And then I think that I don't know if IUI#3 didn't work or not. I think how could it have worked? I'm not that lucky. I don't know what I did to deserve it, but I'm obviously not getting pregnant with anything I've been trying. Then I think well, why not me? Why can't this cycle be the cycle? It could be. But then I remind myself that it won't be. Then I start to panic about how even with IVF, I may never get the BFP I am trying for. And then my heart breaks a little.

I can be very self involved.

Yeah yeah yeah - this is a blog and it's whole existence is to let people talk about themselves and their feelings and all that. I'm not disagreeing with that at all. Blogs are naturally going to be all about someone's live - be it themselves or their family or their political views, etc. It'll be about what is going on in ~their~ live and what is important.

And the reason I bring up the obvious is that it was through my own blogging that I ended up connecting with a whole network of other bloggers going through exactly what I'm going through. (how's that for a run-on?).

This was not my first blog. I had a blog for just over the year mark when I deleted the whole thing in a fit of anger. I had hundreds of posts just ~gone~ in an instant. The situation that got me to delete was childish in nature, but the way I handled it was also childish. I received a lot of antagonizing comments and I took them hook, line and sinker. Not proud of this tidbit, but I did do it. And when my own creation got to be too much for me, I took my toys and went home. See? Dumb. My first encounter with the Brazilian wax is lost forever. My first 9 months of ttc#3 are gone forever. I certainly paid for my behavior. That's for sure.

Anywho, right before I deleted my first blog is when it all started. I had begun to get a few comments from IFers who found my blog by chance and through linkbacks, I found this community. I made my way back to Mel and her blogroll and I got on that list immediately. Then, of course, I had to change the link to this url, my new blog, but that was just a blip in the ttc blogworld.

I started to focus my blog writing on my ttc journey because that is where I was at the time. I was coming up on my year mark and it was bringing me a lot of stress. I went into trying to conceive with the notion that there was no way I could do the long haul again. But after being around all of your stories, the 18 cycles it took for #1 seems comparatively easy. While 18 cycles isn't a walk in the park, I now focused more on being lucky than being the IF victim.

My "18 cycles" mark seemed so far away. And now I'm currently in the 2ww of C16. I'm very close to the place where I said I wouldn't be able to go again. What scares me even more is the "after 18 cycles" place is unknown to me. I defined my (in)fertility as disease that lasted 18 months. I always considered it to have an ending point, something I foolishly enjoyed. I have always tried to put myself in the shoes of a primary IFer, but the biggest difference was they didn't know when their disease would get better. And while I never said it aloud, I had an endpoint. 18 cycles. I honestly thought that was the limit for me and I would achieve another pregnancy before that.

And now I approach it and I know so much more about infertility. I've said it yet I haven't understood it yet. I may not conceive again. 18 cycles is not when I am magically cured of my disease. And while I am dealing with unknowns, I do have an ending point. I have 7 more cycles before I close up shop. There will be a new upper limit of 23 cycle when it's all said and done. And this time, I may not have a swelling belly to show for it.

Having a limited amount of tries has caused me to be more emotional with each failure and more anxiety with each new try. Back when ttc#1, while I didn't know if I'd ever get pregnant, I was still "young(er)". At that time, I didn't have a self-imposed age limit where I would hang up my gloves. This age limit came about for other reasons than for the simple fact of my age. We have other, very important reasons for stopping when I turn 36. I will admit we can afford "quitting" because we already have two children. If we were still ttc#1, I'm sure I would keep trying until menopause (or any other infertility condition) took the chance away from me.

I feel more emotionally tied to each cycle now. Which makes for a more self involved Nancy. A missed chance then meant another month trying. A missed chance now means a cycle lost. This self involvement is manifesting in ways I don't like. I have always been a wordy commenter at times on other people's blogs. If there is something I have experience with, I'm going to take the time to share it in the hopes that I can help. But I've found myself starting to compare my situation when trying to support someone else. I've found myself saying things like "at least you get to do x and y. X and y are impossibilities for me."

AARRRGGHHHH!! I hate that! Who cares what my possibilities are? When someone needs support, they need support. They don't need to be compared to what I'm going through. I'm doing the exact thing I can't stand when done to me. It's no different than the snarky comment of "well, at least you have children, I don't" I sometimes get.

At least I'm aware of it. I'm trying to make sure I don't do it anymore. And I know it gets through and I hit "submit comment" before I really consciously think about it. Heck, it just happened last night and I deleted it and re-wrote it this morning. When commenting to someone, I want to leave me out of it, unless something in my experience can be beneficial to them. Self involvement blows and my New Year's resolution, 3 weeks late, is to remove myself from someone else's support. I can say "sorry" without telling them how my situation is better or worse. I can congratulate someone without mentioning how they are lucky because it didn't work for me. I resolve to focus on other people, instead of myself. My blog will still be about me, as that is what blogs are for. But that is where it needs to stop.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

The Hepatitis Song from Arizona

Anyone who spent their childhood in the Phoenix metro area (maybe even all of Arizona) during the late 1970s to early 1980s should know the hepatitis song. In fact, a person fitting this description should not only know the song, but they should be able to sing it by heart, to this day, over 25 years later.

I don't know if Phoenix was going through a major hepatitis outbreak or not. Maybe hepatitis was just the "public service announcement" of the year. For whatever reason, the hepatitis song had a heavy rotation during Saturday morning cartoons. I want to say I remember the commercial itself, but all I can remember is flashes of a dark haired little girl in a white dress washing her hands.

I'll remember the lyrics to this song until the day I die. I will admit I have no idea if these are the real lyrics or not - I could just be remembering my own version - but this is how I remember it:

Hepatitis has some symptoms you should learn to recognize.
Like fever, feeling very tired or loss of appetite.
Your tummy hurts,
you feel real sick,
you will not eat a bite.
Your eyes sometimes get yellow,
when they only should be white. (my very favorite line is this one)

So wash your hands after going to the bathroom!
Wash your hands after changing baby too!
'Cause we don't want to spread hepatitis.
And we don't want hepatitis to get you.

Whomever the advertising agency was behind that song - you should give yourself a huge pat on the back for a job well done. I will forever know the symptoms of hepatitis and how to avoid it.

Monday, January 21, 2008

A sweet surprise.

It was a few months ago and I have been meaning to tell this story, but I'm only now sitting down to get it into words.

It's funny how I work. The more important things are what I put aside while I do the unimportant. I have an inbox sitting full of emails I want to take the time to answer, while I read and post about daily horoscopes and tarot cards. I say to myself that I want to make sure I do the important things when I am in the right frame of mind to focus on an appropriate response. But then I'll write a bajillion inane blogs about nothing. But, this is me and I can't fight it. But I digress.

A few months ago, actually more than just a few, I got one of those little slips in my mailbox letting me know there was a package for me. I didn't recognize the return address so I had no idea what it was. I'm a big online shopper though, so it could be anything. Except my mailman usually leaves these types of packages at my door, so it added to my surprise.

It ended up being a small package and once it my hands, I still didn't know who it was from. It wasn't until I opened it when I learned it was from a dear online friend, Jewels. What it contained shocked me so much I burst out crying right there, standing at my car in the parking lot at the post office. I was visibly shaken, as I was asked by someone if I was okay. All I could say was "It's just so nice" as the man smiled back at me, knowing I was okay.

This is what my little package contained:

With these gifts, I received this letter, reprinted with her permission (and as you read it, this was back when I was first diagnosed with a broken oven - my uterus was filled with scar tissue and my surgery had proven to be unsuccessful):

"Dear Nancy,

I hope this reaches you in good condition. I'm sending you this gift as a part of who I am, I may be different from a lot of the ladies and you might find me extremely strange, however, I am who I am so my gift is part of that.

Inside you will see a bracelet made of Tiger Stones. I picked the tiger stones in a bracelet form because it is one of the most powerful healing stones for the reproductive organs.

There is a white stone (Moonstone). I picked this one for you because it was the only one that had an injury, a crack going right through this beautiful stone, and yet it is held strong together. The moonstone helps the healing of the reproductive system and is excellent for PMS and conception.

Then there is the orange-ish brown stone (Carnelian). I liked this stone because it had the remnants of a dark scar deep within the stone and yet this stone looks healed, it resembles a perfect shape, color and texture.

Last, there is a fertility charm, a woman representing fertility.

I give you these things because you genuinely are in my thoughts and prayers. You are a beautiful woman and mother and I pray for your womb to mean and heal, to become that perfect shape and texture, as you say it, for your oven to work so you can back your perfect rolls.

Okay, I'm done being a good. I do hope, if anything, you just know you're loved. This is not a gift from me, it's a gift to represent all the women who love you."

And queue tears..... Now!

I'm sure you can see why I was so touched. Julie is going through her own IF adventures and she stopped and thought of me. What made this even more moving was how the things she picked was so poignant. To show me how there were things out there so perfect and beautiful, only to see a scar at closer examination - it just stunned me.

This little package meant more to me than you could imagine. I carry this gift with me wherever I go. I put them in a little pouch, which I keep in my handbag always.

So thank you Julie. For you are an amazing woman and I hope your life is blessed in the same ways you bless our lives. You said in your letter that you were being a "goof", but I can tell you that you are ~far~ from being a goof. You are a kind soul. You have brought a brightness to anyone who has had the pleasure to cross paths with you.

I have a new post

over at my other blog (can get to it through my profile).

It's about secondary infertility and the main question that has my thoughts in knots. I put it on the other blog because it talks a lot about children, but it may be an interesting subject for others to read if their lives are touched by secondary infertility in any way.

Colorado Bloggers ...

Please see sidebar (under my ttc history) for information about the ColoBlogger meetups. Would love to see you at our next meetup!

From Lori's blog about ColoBlogger, "If you live in Colorado and blog about infertility, pregnancy loss, adoption (any part of the triad), pregnancy-and-parenting after infertility, assisted conception, living child-free after infertility or loss, and if you'd like to be included in this listing and on emails about gatherings, click on the icon"

Added in my TTC History to sidebar

It's on the right, underneath my profile. Whew.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Lining (what is good?), IUI stats & IVF success rates

A bunch of stuff I learned in random order:

~ In general, 8-13 mm is good, less than 6 is potentially a problem, and greater than 15 or so could possibly reduce chances for a successful pregnancy.

IUI facts (taken from here):
~ It is usually recommended to do IUI just before ovulation is set to take place. Six hours is often the time frame given as washed sperm doesn’t live much beyond six to 12 hours.

~ However, if your infertility problems are caused by male factor, insemination is more likely to take place within six hours after ovulation.

~ Insemination using fertility drugs will take place 24 to 36 hours after you receive an hCG injection

~ It is normally recommended that a sperm count of at least 5 million be used. However, the less sperm that is used, the lower the chances of success. Therefore, a sperm count between 20 and 30 million is usually thought of as ideal.

~ Natural IUIs tend to have lower success rates, dipping down to about 6% in some cases.

~ IUIs done with fertility drugs that produce multiple eggs have success rates of up to 30% associated with them. Additionally, sperm count greatly affects the outcome with IUI. Using sperm samples with a smaller count often cause a couple to have less success. (really? Less sperm = less chance. Good lord, no shit.)

~ Overall, though, a success rate of 15% to 20% is associated with IUI.

IVF success rates for 2007 for ~my~ clinic (highlights from 2007 stats, just published):
~ Fresh embryos from non donor eggs:
under 35 = 79% (holy moly! what great success rates. Damn, wish I was under 35 yrs old!)
35-37 = 55%
38-40 = 40%
41-42 = 50%

~ Frozen embryos from non donor eggs:
under 35 = 56%
35-37 = 60%

~ Fresh Donor egg (donor age):
under 35 = 90%

~ Frozen Donor egg (donor age):
under 35 = 50%

Update: I wanted to point out that these are pregnancy rates, not live baby rates. Since this is from 2007, they haven't been able to collect the delivery rates yet, so this is all we have right now.

Operation Spermination. Take 3.

All done.

"Great" washed sperm count. 90% motility. Both Lefty and Righty released. RE thinks Lefty was within last 12 hours and Righty was "within minutes". Explains the little sharp pains this morning. Lining is at 8 and I am to start taking progesterone tomorrow. My past labs have shown they want me on progesterone supplements during LP, so no need for 7dpo progesterone tests anymore. Beta scheduled for Feb 1st @ 7am., which is in 12 days.

They were all so positive today. Great staff. Doc was awesome and so happy for the chance this month. And while he said everything is "perfect" conditions for a success, I know it means it's perfect conditions for a perfect ~chance~. With a higher chance due to IUI, it's more like a 25% chance, but it's better than nothing, right?

Saturday, January 19, 2008

How long does an egg "live"?

I've heard all different things. What have you heard?

An update to today's news ...

Yesterday in my "chugga chugga" post, I talked about the tarot/horoscopes I received daily and how cool they are when they "fit" into my current situation.

Well, here are today's tarot and general horoscope:

Tarot: "The Ten of Swords card suggests that my power today lies in acceptance. I let go of all attachment or resistance to sustaining conditions that are out of my hands. E tu brute? I can't move forward by beating a dead horse. It's the last word so put a period on it and move on."

I don't like the "put a period on it and move on" part if I think of it in literal terms. Last thing I want it to put a period (AF) on the end of this cycle! But, in figurative terms, thinking how it's out of my hands and there's nothing more I can do, so just let it be - I do like.

Horoscope: "A very short-lived window of opportunity has just opened, and if you're smart, you'll jump right through it confidently -- with a great big smile on your face. Any hint of uncertainty, however, will land you right back at Go, without the $200. Remember, doubt is fatal to power."

Ovulation is a short lived window of opportunity and I will jump through it. I need to be positive about the experience though and allow hope to live. There is no reason why this can't work. It may not, but I will keep in mind that it CAN.

I like my eggs sunny side up.

Back from the ultrasound. Righty ~is~ an overachiever! She went from having a follie sitting at 15 to 19.25! (21.4x17.1). Lefty was still growing too, showing she was still the allstar @ 21 (22x20).

I trigger myself tonight w/ 2/3'rds of the hCG. I am to reconstitute w/ 3ccs and inject 2ccs tonight. Then, at 5dpo, another 1cc to support luteal phase.

And get this - lining was 8.4 and deemed "perfect". Holy shit. RE also said the follicles were located in the "optimal" place on my ovaries - on the outside where they'll have no trouble being sucked up into the tubes.

I can ~not~ believe that on cd20, everything is "perfect". I still know the statistics, but I'm still very hopeful for at least having a chance at this thing.

Insemination tomorrow morning at 9am!

From this morning ...

The "peak" in all it's glory.
cd20. Seriously.

Another +opk (which was with fmu, which totally doesn't count, I know. But it was + yesterday after work too. yay.)
And now looking at picture, it doesn't look positive, but IRL, the test window ~is~ as dark as the control.

Friday, January 18, 2008

I love to POAS.

Even in an IUI cycle, I love it.

And finally, I got a positive something. It's my OPK, but still, seeing a positive line makes happy.

Looks like things are on track for a weekend ovulation, so timing couldn't be better. I usually get 2 days of +opk, so I'm likely to O Sunday. I love when the timing of the +opk and the trigger shot coincides. And since hCG reacts the same to an opk as LH, I like getting the +opk ~before~ trigger (since the hcg would automatically give me a +opk).

Tomorrow morning I should see that egg on my monitor too.

So yay. Hope is back in town. (see Ryan? I still ~puffy heart~ hope).

Chugga Chugga Choo Choo! (updated)

(thanks for the inspiration Katie!)

It seems that I have a little egg that could. Lefty is sitting at 17mm this morning and Righty is still behind at 15mm.

"Not quite ready for trigger, we'll see you tomorrow" was what I was told. Ultrasound #8 is tomorrow morning at 8:15am.

I asked all sorts of questions but my NP is great at telling me a lot of information on things I didn't actually ask. I can tell you what the beginning protocol is for older IVF patients at my clinic compared to what they give younger patients. I can tell you the older patient protocol is quite similar to an endo patient. I can tell you about some things they give for endo patients. But I can't tell you what I'll be taking. See, I asked if they do birth control pills as their "normal" protocol with IVF so I would get an idea of timing if/when I move to IVF. Instead, I got a rundown of ~all~ protocols. She was so nice, I didn't even try to narrow it down. It's too early to ask what my IVF protocol will be. I need to relax a bit. (ack. I said that phrase!).


I'm "on track" with growth. I'll trigger tomorrow or they'll have me trigger myself on Sunday. Then a Sunday or Monday insemination is most likely in store. She also said my lining was "certainly taking off" but the screen was turned and couldn't see the number and I forgot to ask.

I ~DID ASK~ if my eggs will be of lower quality since they are growing so slowly. She said ~"On the contrary. There are European studies doing slow growth protocols which they showing better egg quality as they mature slowly, rather than quickly." I smiled and said my eggs are like wine. And then I put on my pants.

updated: I just looked at my "daily tarot" card. What a riot.

"The Seven of Pentacles card suggests that my power today lies in timing. I have earned the payoff. I don't interfere with the natural progression and development of things that are out of my hands at the moment. I am empowered by preparation and my asset is using time wisely."

updated again: As I have said before, I get a few horoscope things everyday delivered to my email. I don't read them daily and I have them sorted so they go right into a separate folder. If I want to look, I do, if not, it gets all deleted, unread. I really like the daily tarot though. I'm not a "believer" but I do get enjoyment from them. And when they are coincidentally cool, I enjoy it even more. Anywho, I just looked at my daily general horoscope.

"Even if you've never believed in fate, you're about to become aware of its existence. Circumstances that are supposedly beyond your control will put you in touch with someone you wouldn't have met if you hadn't been diverted."

(children mentioned)

I always talk about the fact of taking 18 cycles to get my daughter, Ella. While the 18 cycles sucked (but couldn't be happier it was ~only~ 18 cycles), had I conceived before that, I wouldn't of had this amazing little person. Yes, I'd have another amazing little person who I would love just as much, but I wouldn't have ELLA. Had I not had to wait (had my time diverted), she'd of been someone I'd never of met. So this silly daily horoscope was cool.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Vitamin poll.

Tell me. How many vitamins do ~you~ take everyday? And if you have a moment, list them out!

Me - 7 types in follicular phase, 5 types in luteal phase:
~folic acid (my RE requests his patients to take an extra dose to make it ~800mcg/day)
~B6 (100mg)
~baby aspirin - blood thinner.
~Vitamin E (400mcg) - this one is per RE's orders for my thin lining issue.
~Red Raspberry (1000mg) - strengthens uterine lining, which in turn, can lengthen LP. Stop taking in 3rd trimester if pregnant.
~Soy Lecithin - taken before a meal up to twice a day, stop in 3rd trimester - improves brain function, promotes energy, helps repair liver damage caused by alcohol, enables fat to be removed from body. Regarding fertility: Lecithin, can be involved in the availability of platelet activating factor (PAF). PAF is involved in reproduction in three ways: 1) in implanting of the egg in the uterine wall, 2) in fetal maturation and 3) in inducing of labor.
~EPO - helps cervical mucus by helping brain triggers through giving body essential fatty acids. Taken in follicular phase only.
~Green Tea Extract - helps thin CM. Taken in follicular phase only.

Hubby: 6 types at all times. All designed to promote healthy sperm count, sperm morphology, and sperm motility.
~MegaMan multi
~pycnogenol - known to assist in morphology
~zinc (25mg, added to multi, 50mg total)
~grapeseed extract (50mg)
~Soy Lecithin - Plays a role in male fertility. Test tube studies have shown that lecithin has the ability to restore normal structure and movement to abnormal sperm cells and nearly double the acrosomal response." The acrosome is "the caplike, membrane-bound structure covering the anterior portion of the head of a spermatozoon; it contains enzymes involved in penetration of the ovum."
~L-carnitine (low dose, as it's also in multi)

Bouncing baby tickers on pregnancy blogs.

They creep me out.

NO, not because I'm just jealous (let's get this straight though - I ~am~ jealous of pregnant girls). The tickers themselves are creepy.

I don't know what it is about it. The fact that early ones have little tadpoles in them? Nah. The little bit later ones have babies with way too big of heads? Nah. The fact that the very later ones have full formed babies in them? Nah.

I think it's the motion. The bobbing up and down that does it for me. I don't like that at all. It's like watching my tv when my DVR has put itself on pause and they are in straight line motion until it touches a side or corner.

Have you seen the episode of "The Office" about this? heh.

The creepiest state of those tickers are when the head is touching the side and the baby goes around like a clock, the feet stuck in the middle as it's head scrapes the sides of the bubble. ~shudder~



2 follies. Righty came through and there is a 15x11 and Lefty is at 19x15. Bah.

Another u/s & maybe trigger tomorrow and IUI the next day or two, depending on how they look tomorrow.

All that sobbing and suckiness all reversed w/ a single slip of the monkey wand.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

an answer?

The pain can be associated with the swelling of the ovaries themselves. Not the follies. This swelling goes down after ovulation, hence me thinking it was from the follicles.

So it now makes sense. It can have nothing to do with follicles or lack thereof in my case. And why it hurts on both sides. ah.


A few random things in my head.

1. The 19 year old niece is ~not~ pregnant. Moron. She announced it to everyone without taking a test. She was "late" and assumed it. MORON. I bought her a box of 48 condoms, complete with spermicide, and sent them to her in an envelope with no note. Is she more off or more on? I know. More on. Moron.

2. My belly hurts like a mutha. And I ~know~ all those follies can do it. But my point here is why the &*$*(# didn't I get this tender feeling until 12 hours before the u/s showed no growth, where I already HAD 10 follies ranging from 10-13mm? I'll get to the bottom of it tomorrow. I'm sticking with my theory that it's the dying of the extra, non mature follies that hurt. Not that growth of the maturing ones.

3. I'm so proud of myself. I commented on ~pregnancy~ blogs today. Big step.

4. I'm going to go to boston. I need to make a business trip soon, so tomorrow I plan to get the plan with my RE. If we are going to IVF "next" cycle, I need to know when that will start. Isn't there a month of bcp involved in IVF?

5. I don't know how I am going to survive without advil. I have a back injury (nerve damage in my facet joint) from childbirth. For 2 years, I have been taking advil at least 3 times a day - usually in 800mg. No, I don't have a bleeding ulcer. My doc said as long as my belly doesn't hurt (not including this follie death pain), to feel free to take it. So, I have an appointment tomorrow at 6:45am (yes, in the morning) with my pain management doctor to figure out if there is anything else besides tylenol that can help. And I don't want a narcotic. But apparently that is the only thing I can take safely while ttc and if I ever actually get pregnant. Weird. But we'll see.

6. My belly hurts beyond belief. Really. Follie death pangs. FDPs. Gotta be.

7. I have a bajillion things to do today. And it's snowing. So that means I don't want to drive to work. Not that I don't want to drive in the snow, no problem with that. And really, there is barely any snow out there. But, people here drive like turtles when there is a dusting of snow and I don't want to deal with it.

8. Hi Laurel.

9. Running out of things but want to make it to 10.

10. I'm going to listen to punk rock today. Nothing sad. Like coldplay. I don't even like coldplay. Really. I got the new Shellac. And a new (to me) yeah yeah yeahs. And some ~old~ PJ Harvey. Oh, and the new lemonheads. Not punk rock. But lemonheads. I used to love the lemonheads.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

can my belly hurt a little LESS please?

pretty please? with sugar on top?

Like I mentioned before, I got the classic "follie tenderness" starting sunday night. But Monday morning showed ~nothing~. Then why, pray tell, do I have to endure the follie pain???

Little bastards.

I'm tender. It hurts to walk. It hurts to sit. It hurts when I touch & press. Both right & left do though. And we know righty wasn't doing anything except those 5 10mm follies that were just hanging out.

So why the pain? Does it ~hurt~ when the non-mature follies shrink back down? Because that I can handle. If it's because those follies are all dying off and I'm feeling the pain, okay, makes sense. But the pain I've always associated with the growing of large follies, well, that is giving me this fucking false hope. And I would ~love~ it if they would stop messing with my mind.

So. With whipped cream on top? Even a cherry? Let this pain be associated with growing pains OR let me find via dr google that dying follicles hurt.

update: Dr google is NOT helping.

Reasons for abdominal pain include:
Ovulation pain: nope. I get that and this tenderness is ~not~ that.
Cysts: nope. u/s kinda confirms that.
Salpingitis - inflammation of the fallopian: nope.
Chronic pelvic inflammatory disease: nope.
Endometriosis: just had a lap done and had the little I had removed. No way.
Ectopic pregnancy: choke.
Appendicitis: nope.
Other gastrointestinal problems: I certainly don't think so.
Ruptured follicle: nope. well, maybe - if the smaller follies I had were all popping. But u/s still showed them there. I think. Okay, this could be it? maybe?
Emerging follicle(s): damn them damn them all to hell! My follies are not emerging. They've proven they are at a standstill. See? This is Miss Hope talking. She put this in google.