Tuesday, January 15, 2008

still sobbing on and off

Ugh.

Don't quite understand why I'm so upset about this cycle being cancelled. It's not that I was in the "this is IT" thinking. I just think it was the first chance after so many months of cancellations and waiting due to surgeries, a lot was riding on my "back at it" emotions.

For 24 hours now, time in both days, I've been walking around with having to wipe tears in my eyes, at any moment, feeling like it will burst. Anything can trigger it. Especially the "what's wrong?" and while I could explain it, no one will understand.

I have to go into the office today. It'll be a no makeup day, that's for sure. I hope no one talks to me. I'm going to hide in my cube.

9 comments:

Katarina Jelly Beana said...

(((hug)))

Julie said...

Probably won't run into you today but wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you.

Barb said...

I feel the same way over a failed cycle. It's almost worse than a bfn for me b/c you went through all that to not even get a chance. This just happened to me on my last iui where we actually DID the iui (with injectibles) and then found out I never ovulated. Joyous. So my heart goes out to you. The work thing is very hard. My coworkers basically think I'm a nutcase.

Morgan said...

Nancy,
Sometimes you just don't know what to say to someone, and this is one of those times for me. All I want to do is say the right words that will make you feel better, I'm sure right about now nothing can make you feel better though. I am really sorry all this is happening to you...but I'm sure you are tired of hearing that too, you know..all the "Im sorrys". But, I am thinking about you and I hope you can find it in you to keep in mind that it took you 18 cycles to conceive Ella...and I'm sure back then you also thought there was no hope. Keep your head up, you're loved by so many!

Kaci said...

(((hugs)))

bleu said...

I am so sorry hun. It just sucks!! I am sending such a long hug mentally your way.

jamie said...

(((hugs)))

SaraS-P said...

It sucks. I'm sorry.

Glennformer said...

So sorry you are in that mode. Hugs (or, if that makes you uncomfortable, what?, a compassionate handshake?).

Having been there myself, on a number of occasions, I can only agree that SOME people, maybe even a majority, wouldn't understand if you explained it. I think the specifics don't matter, just the fact that some of us can want something so badly that not having it and disappointments around not being able to change the situation can be a crushing weight on us and leave us hardly able to focus for long on anything besides how desperate we are. I too used to hide out and get triggered by almost anything at all when in that mode; sometimes I still do that. At least your episodes seem to be relatively short, however intense.

Not that you are asking for a way to get out of that mode or avoid it in the future (a particular interest that may be uniquely mine) but just by way of sharing the way it is for me, in case you were going to ask (ok, I know you wouldn't) or, absent that, for the possible benefit of someone else who is struggling and might be interested, I offer the following:

What I've found is that being in communication with people, whether professional therapists, support group members, or friends and family, stops me from getting too carried away with my own thoughts and feelings, which are usually HUGELY out of context. I used to just let myself wallow in despair but now I welcome the opportunity for assistance in reestablishing an empowering context for myself, which often comes as a result of reflecting on what's at the base of wanting something so badly in the first place and choosing to give that up or just put it back in context--like by acknowledging how fortunate I am in so many ways, genuinely appreciating what I have (such that it occurs as ENTIRELY sufficient and anything else just seems like more icing on the cake), and being reminded of how rewarding/fulfilling it can be to focus on being of service to others, compared to "having" some particular thing for myself. I'm much more clear than I used to be about the possibility that I could be very wrong about a particular thing making the difference I think it will for me. I'm noticing that my concept of what is "ideal" or, sometimes, just what I think would be satisfying, is sometimes getting in the way of me having what would ACTUALLY be satisfying. It's not impossible to do all this by myself but it is so much easier with the assistance of someone who is committed to supporting me in breaking out of a disempowered mode and choosing something other than recurring patterns of ineffectiveness and emotional distress. I welcome having someone assist, when I'm in a "can't see the forest for the trees" situation, just as I'd hope they'd welcome me doing the same, in turn, for them. Even when I don't think they can actually help me, I consider being generous in allowing them to contribute to me in the way they'd like to--maybe I'll be surprised and if not, at least they might have the satisfaction of not just sitting on the sidelines and doing nothing.

It needs a generic name. Maybe "Hugs Plus"