Monday, January 14, 2008

Nope, hope gone now. Cycle Cancelled.

Called my nurse to talk about actual numbers. She was very sweet, but I got out of her that there will be likely no hope for Thursday's u/s.

I had some renewed hope due to them being oblong last time and now looking plumper, so I thought growth ~did~ happen. But didn't know the numbers. Well, I was wrong in my hopeful thinking.

They look at averages, so that's what matters when looking for growth.

~ 15.4 x 9.1 = 12.25 average
~ 11.9 x 8.6 = 10.25 average

~ 13.8 x 9.1 = 11.45 average
~ 13.1 x 9 = 11.05 average

Sooooo, things aren't looking good for cycle 16. The best we can hope for is the 10.25 from cd13 is not the 11.45 one today. But that's still not a good growth rate to have hope.

I did get the following out of her:
1) follies do ~not~ go down in size and then regrow in a few days (kinda of a "duh", but miss hope sucks)
2) follies that stop growing or grow very little are also not good.

Using deductive reasoning, I have little hope for Thursday and she agreed (being super nice and all that. So I don't fault her for telling me the truth. It's nice to hear it, you know?)

Maybe the measurements today were a little off since it was the nurse practitioner doing the measuring. I did notice how she tending to measure "inside" the lines of the follie instead of "on the line" like my RE did. So maybe the follies would have been smaller last time if she had measured or they'd of been bigger this time if my RE did the measuring. I even use this as a maybe because she said my lining was 5.4 and my RE said it was 7.4 last time. Lining doesn't get thinning mid-cycle. So maybe dealing with millimeters, it's off a little bit. Off enough to allow a little hope to seep in.

I am going to prepare for the worst. Prepare for a failed cycle. But, I'm also going to keep using my monitor and opks to look for hormonal changes until it's all confirmed on Thursday (or that I get a major surprise).

But, I may as well get used to IUI#3 being a big fat failure. And start looking towards the plan for cycle #17.

(trigs here. children mentioned. nothing more to read except this below, so click out (or comment!!) before you read further if you don't want to hear about it)
Another quickie ... I spent 18 cycles ttc for ella. I spent 1 cycle ttc for allison. This is now cycle 16 down the drain. Shit. Which means, cycle 17 is next. But it also means cycle 36 is next. That is 36 cycles spent ttc in my lifetime (not in a row). 3 year mark. Yup, 2 of those cycles were successful, so I would never say I'm ~on~ cycle 36, but adding them all up, I'll be on my 36th cycle of major ttc (where I used at least opks. None were "let's just see what happens" cycles).

Which, pisses me off all over again. I mentioned this (on wedmd's ttc a sibling board) when I hit the 24th total cycle mark. And I got ridiculed to no end. One woman told me that I LITERALLY made her vomit. (wow.) She (and others) said how DARE I say I've been ttc for 24 months when there are women who have been ttc for 24 months ~without~ success. Other women admonished me for daring to count from my first month with giving me examples that since she started to ttc in Jan '03 for her first and she started ttc#2 in Jan '07, she couldn't say she was ttc for 4 years! Well, no fucking shit. I didn't say that. I didn't say any of those things. Everyone kept telling me I had to restart my "count" and I DID restart my count. I was on c5 of ttc#3, I didn't say I was on c24! I just said that when totalling them all up, I had spent 24 cycles, of my LIFE, ttc. Meaning I spent 24 cycles using OPKs and charting and doing all those things we do. No, they weren't all in a row. No, I've never spent 2 straight years ttc a child (yet). And I can imagine how when I get there, it'll suck more than being on c17 or c18. Just because they weren't in a row, doesn't mean they didn't happen. Let's say you got the flu 6 months last year, all for a month straight. I would be totally behind you if you said "All summed up, I spent 6 months with the flu". How is my counting my totals any fucking different?

Is what I say about my "totals" really that hard to understand? I guess I just have to keep in mind that most of the population just isn't that bright. And a scarier thought - these comments were from mothers who were trying for more children. Ack. I just think of how a copy of a copy of a copy gets less and less sharp.


BethH6703 said...

I'm sorry to hear of the krappy test results. I can't imagine how frustrating this must be for you. (Well, maybe I can, in the whole "can't try now, but hopefully soon" sense... but still, I won't claim to know how it effects YOU.)

Truth be told, I've never really cared for the way you total up your cycles like that. I've never said anything, cuz really, what difference does it make to me? But I think, "She's going into C36, which SUX, but she's GOT TWO KIDS in those cycles, too. I'm going into C32, with nothing to show for it, at all." I know, totally my issue, which is why I've never (until now) mentioned it. But, maybe that is the perspective of some of the other people that have been so vocal about it?

Katarina Jelly Beana said...

I'm so sorry about the follies! I hope they have a good growth spurt before Thursday!

God, that sounded hollow. I wish I could say something real.

chicklet said...

It blows that it got cancelled, frack. And I think you can count however you want - it's how long YOU feel you've been cycling, and how long YOU've had this take over your life (even if there was success in the middle). Hang in there.

Swim said...

I'm so sorry to hear that your cycle got cancelled. That sucks.

Are you going to stim next cycle?

Jenera said...

I have been no where near what you and other IF'ers have gone through but your figures make complete sense to me. People are just stupid sometimes or too wrapped up in themselves to pay attention to what others are saying.

Anonymous said...

Nancy. I'm so sorry that your cycle got cancelled. This sucks... completely and totally.

I say that you should be able to define your TTC journey however the hell you want to. Even though some asshats feel the need to denigrate you for having the good fortune of two child-producing pregnancies amidst your epic struggle, you know the truth.

It sucks. It's been hard. And today is not the day for them to eff with you!

nancy said...

Beth - these were all women with children, so they all had successes.

But, I do NOT say I'm going into c36. I'm going into c17. I've just spent 36 cycles, with 2 successes, in the life of me. Never ever do I say I'm ~ON~ c36.

BethH6703 said...

I see the difference now. I know how insane I'm going at 32 cycles of this krap. 36 will suck just as much, especially when you see the girls out their that get pg from wearing a skirt around their DH.

Sorry if I sounded like I didn't see your side of it - I do. Was just playing a bit of devil's advocate.

Anonymous said...

nancy, so sorry about the cancelled cycle. that really blows.

one of my IUIs was almost cancelled once. I was on clomid only and it looked like my folly growth was petering out. an RE who I don't normally see was ready to cancel on cd14 and put me on meds to get a period (I thought she was a being an insensitive bitch; I don't even normally ovu. until later.) I called my nurse crying and my own RE had me come in 36 hrs later to see for herself. she saw some growth though not much, but she agreed to do the IUI just in case. I was temping at the time and figured out that I never ovulated that month (which I knew only from bbt). who knew you could be anovulatory on meds, but that's why I hate clomid. so I wasted all the $$ and effort. as it turns out the bitch doc was probably right, my cycle had stalled and they didn't know why. but they switched me to injectibles the next time.

anyway, sorry for the bad news and the temp return to limbo, I hate that.

KatieM said...

Ack...having those exact numbers does change it a bit. Damn it hun....I hate it when people say "prepare for the worst, but hope for the best" but honestly that seems to be the situation...damn it, damn it, damn it. I am however, still hoping Thursday ends up a surprise given the several maybes(as in the u/s tech's techniques) and what if's (which egg is which)

I don't think I can say this enough...damn it ((hugs))

Searching said...

Arg, how unbelievably sucky. :( I'm so sorry it's been such a long and frustrating road for you.

Kaci said...

Oh Nancy I'm really sorry to hear about your results. (((hugs)))

Jen said...

It's just not fucking fair that you just finally got a little hope and the chance to try only to have it taken away. I don't even know what to say Nancy.

As to how you count your cycles, I don't see it as an issue. The issue is that this hurts, and you completely have a right to feel how you feel.

jenn said...

Nancy I am so sorry about the immense amount of suck going on right now. I wish more than anything that thursday will bring a new hope, but I will be here with hugs for you no matter what...

Nico said...

I don't know if this helps at all, but in my injectible cycles I was on meds for 13, 13, 9 and 21 days. My docs didn't seem to think it was a problem if the follicles took a while to take off. And I know a number of other women with HA who have had similarly long cycles - a fair number successful, unlike mine.

I think your counting makes sense. I personally count a little differently because I wanted to be pg but wasn't actually cycling for such a long time... but I think that you can count it however you want. And no-one should give you any grief about it.

Lots and lots of hugs, sweetie, and really hoping for better news on Thursday!

Kim said...

I'm sorry for being a bit out of the loop. I think bed rest is making me a little... depressed.

Anyway, for whatever it's worth... this is how my successful injectables cycle went:

Left - 1 @ 10, 1 @ 8, Five less than 8
Right - Eight less than 8

Left: 1 @ 13, 1 @ 8
Right: 2 @ 8, 3 @ 7

Left: 1 @ 18 x 15 x 19, 1 @ 17 x 12 x 21 (and an 8, I think)
Right: Bitties, 7's and 6's

So yeah, this may not be very helpful. But I stopped trying to make sense of it all. Apparently follicles can vanish or speed up suddenly or stop growing altogether, and I really am yet to figure out why. My second follie was also 'oblong', which worried me. Honestly, it still bothers me that on a fairly significant level of stims, we still only got two good follies and one was kind of 'eh'. So I didn't really do much more then I do on my own.

On my Clomid cycle before this, I had one follie at 20 on CD13. I have a feeling that follie was too big at CD15 to matter. But I did far better that cycle with CLOMID then I did with Menopur the second time, if we're talking size or time.

Anyway, I know this probably won't help very much... but I just wanted to let you know that I don't really get what exactly follies are thinking in there either. I hope they speed up for you though, or that next cycle goes better. It makes me really sad to have to wish that for you, though :(.

Bea said...

What are your hormone levels doing? Mine were inching upwards in similar situations, so we kept going and I did ovulate in the end.


nancy said...

they didn't take levels. There were going to the last time, but then nothing. We're continuing on anywho, so I'm sure RE will do some b/w on thursday's appointment before giving the final word.

thanks everyone. this all sucks.

hoping for a child said...

sorry to hear about the results, but i agree with you about remaining optimistic. i don't get the whole counting thing...i think i'd be suicidal (maybe a bit dramatic) if i kept up the count. turning 34 soon and no baby yet. time is really freaking me out.

Jewels said...

I'm so sorry about this cycle hun ~Hugs~.
Trigs: Maybe if you cant count all your cycles, I shouldnt count all my pregnancies because only one lived. It doesnt a lot of brains to figure out what your saying.