Monday, May 18, 2009

Shoot. BANG! (important update at bottom ... )

A clever title to have for a bulleted post. (okay, clever to me. I'm easily amused.)

(a section about bands/music first ... look for the line of ~*~*~*~ to bypass and got to see the IF stuff.)

~ FOTC, as I mentioned yesterday, was one of the best shows I have ever been to. Maybe I can't really say that, as I am a show goer chick who used to tour with punk bands in college and see no less than one show each week. But I was really impressed with how good it was. I love the show. I love the songs. I love the comedy. If anyone has missed the show on HBO, you should at least check it out. It's some pretty dry comedy and there will be many who don't like it, but for those who will like it, it'll be more than worth your time.

~ We have a week without doing anything and then there are three shows starting the 25th. Pennywise is monday and Jane's Addiction is tuesday (they are actually opening for nine inch nails, but we'll most likely leave - NIN isn't really my thing). Then Thursday is another Red Rocks show "punk on the rocks" with The Offspring and The Vandals. I'm on the fence about attending this one though. Has anyone seen The Offspring? I'm not particularly a fan but I'm always up for a good show. For instance, I'm going to go see 311 at Red Rocks because they are amazing live. I do ~not~ like them any other time, but I'll totally go see a show because of their stage presence.

~ June brings only one show, which is the comedian Arg Barker. He plays "dave" on FOTC actually and he opened for the boys this weekend. SO funny I immediately bought tickets to see his show at Comedy Works on Friday, the 26th. (if anyone in denver wants to join us, buy tickets for the 10pm show and join us! Lori? Lilith? Denise? Jen? Anyone?)

~ July will be fun with DCFC at red rocks (which I got on the guest list. woot!) and the Mile High Festival (The Black Keys, Tool, Incubus, Ben Harper, lots more). Let's not forget the Pikes Peak Hill Climb which is added fun because my very bestest friend in the whole wide world will be coming to attend it with me.

~ For August we got The Vans Warped Tour. I may be getting a little old for this one, but there are some bands I'm pretty excited about. (in no particular order ...) The Reverend Peytons Big Damn Band (fucking hilarious rockabilly. Catch them if you ever have the chance) NOFX (like I even have to say why they rock) Less Than Jake (ah, memories...) Bad Religion (classic.) Senses Fail. 3OH!3. Hrm. Flogging Molly isn't playing. I'm a bit bummed because I picked this show over Kings of Leon playing the same day. Maybe I'll send my hubby and a friend to The Warped Tour while I go to Kings of Leon. Hrm. Now I need someone to go with me to Kings of Leon on 8/09. Anyone? I'll go buy tickets tomorrow!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
(I'm done with the bands now. No this will be exploring my opinions of judging ttcers)

I find myself having a hard time dealing with my jealousy of pregnancies in the world. (I'm not upset anyone of my IRL friends ~are~ pregnant, just that I'm not.) Isn't that just to most ridiculous thing you have ever heard of? Me. The girl with 3 kids. But you see, it's the fact that as I walk around with the said 3 children, I'm no longer waring my scarlet "IF" on my chest anymore. And infertile looks at me as if I'm a normal, run of the mill fertile. I've seen "those" looks. I've seen women look at me with contempt, as they pick up OPKs or a fertility book. I try to shoo my kids away and give her space and privacy, but I also want to say "Hey. I worked mother fucking HARD for these kids. I don't deserve the looks you are giving me. Although I do understand where you are and I'm sorry." Or is it just payback because it's the look I gave these so called fertiles when I was still without children?

After the first year came and went and the new year consisted of surgeries and failed treatment cycles, I found myself pretty damned bitter. Straight up bitter to anyone who hadn't done at LEAST what I had done. (I also included things I hadn't gone through, like loss. or bigger treatments). Then the second time came to ttc and I got it in my first try. WTF?

I was a little screwed up at this point in having to deal with BFPs at this point. Sure, I got my BFP on my first cycle while TTC#2, but then again, for #1 I went through 18 cycles chock full of medication and surgery and treatments. This made me a very bitter yet also a forgiving infertile (since it came so easily for #2. Maybe I wasn't really an infertile and that first suckage WAS the REAL fluke?).

What it really did was fuck me in allowing me to assume ~anything~ for my round of ttc#3. Was I really infertile? Or was that a fluke? Was the easy BFP for #2 all that needs to be thought of? Instead, for #3 there was ... 4 surgeries! 4 IUIs! IVF! Canceled ET! FET! Long drawn out cycle20, which was for a FET with a cancellation suggested to me and I refused. At (4w0d) 11dp3dt, I got a teeny beta of 15 which was the little beta that could and continued to double. At 5w4d (16dp3dt), we found the yolk sac IN my uterus at the right size, but not much more. At 7w0d (26dp3dt), we found the beating heart. Then came the scary findings - velamentous cord insertion, placenta accreta and other placental issues based on age, ivf itself, etc. This pregnancy took 28 u/s's and we found so many ways the baby could have not made it, but luckily, it skipped him and I'm to one who almost died. Thank god it was me.

My point here is how IF has changed me. I went through some MAJOR shit in my IVF/FET and pregnancy (and I also am very aware that comparitively speaking to tens of thousands of other women, I didn't go through much). And now my beautiful baby of mine, karl, is sleeping in his nursery at this very minute. So I'm able to now kind of look back at it all.

Do I think someone should have to go through what I went through for me to feel true sympathy for? No way! I think everyone deserves support and sympathy. Now, at the end of my ttc career, I can categorize the ttcers I'm "used to" and explain how easy or hard it is for me to support them. (PLEASE READ the "updated" section below, maybe even before reading this.) ...

note - I'm using some major generalizations here and the bottom updated section should explain it better, but in case you don't go read that first, keep it in mind! I left out so many categories of people because I admittedly don't know much about a lot of the circumstances. Please do not be offended.

1. Those who are simply in that first year. They may be going though initial tests and maybe those first little "clomid" cycles, dipping their toes wet into the ttc ocean.
--- I can support these ladies, but I have to be very careful in how I do it, as I really do want to be sincere, but my bitterness could ruin a truthful support at any time. I remember this part of my journey, the naive part, where I just didn't understand how fucking hard it could be. The majority of women will get pregnant in this place too, so if you are going to support your friends, start here. Think back and remember how hard a negative cycle, even in that first cycle, felt to you. I was so disappointed! After a few more, I was devastated and the tears started to form.

2. Those that are in their second year of ttc. Maybe the first year was done 'alone' and they never sought treatment. So they are a little behind group 1 in the fact they are now seeking treatment. But most of this group have had a year of trying alone and might have had minor workups and now the treatments are getting more serious. IUIS for sure would fall in here. Oral medical cycles. Injectible cycles. HSGs & HSSs. Sperm Counts. Post Coital. Cd3 testing and blood work. All your normal initial testing. It usually gets aggressive quickly and you may find yourself past those failed IUIs and right into the IVF in this category. Due to the treatments, there are also a lot of BFPs here, but there are unfortunately many, many BFNS too.
-- Supporting these ladies isn't too hard because of what they went through. Plain and simple. There's no feelings of "they haven't earned it" even how ridiculous that sounds to me now.

3. Here is the group who's done it all. And done it multiple times. Or have simply been trying on their own for years and years. The BFPs are more rare here, but they do still happen.
-- If "deserving" support had any bearing on actually receiving it, these women would automatically have it without a second thought. But for me, supporting some of these women is a little tricky because I have found some are so bitter of their failures (which I totally understand) they are almost pissed to receive it. Many/Most of them are not bitter, but I have ran into it so many times that my idea of being careful in my support does cross my mind.

4. Then there is the group who have succeeded in either groups 2 or 3 and then WHAM! They suddenly get a BFP when they are back in group 1 TTC#2 (or more). Guilt usually happens here, but to 95% of the public, we still say there previous IF still "counts" for them.
-- There women don't need support really, since they are already pregnant with their second (or more), but they do seem to have a guilt that needs to be supported.

5. And then there is the group that have given up on the biological link. They are learning to live with out children.
-- This is the group I have the hardest time supporting, especially were I stand, because I feel at a loss for words. I do support them though. I'm just afraid it's not enough because I don't know what to say.


So that's the breakdown of how ~I~ feel there are different categories and how I feel about supporting each of them. Any thoughts?


Updated ----

Hrm, re-reading it (and fixing a bajillion typos, hey, it was late when I wrote it) made me have to rewrite some dumbass shit I said on accident. It also made me see I didn't include two biggies - Adoption and Loss.

As for adoption, people persue adoption for a variety of reasons, not just because their own tries fail. I think adoption needs to be put into it's own multiple categories.

I also didn't mention loss because I've only been exposed to it, not felt it myself more than a maybe chemical pregnancy in only one of my 29 cycles. Many of my best IRL friends have had losses (L, J and R) but I think that no matter how terrible I feel about it, I just will never understand it and therefore, I can't categorize it in my simple list above. Although if I had to categorize, it wouldn't fit in any of the ones I already listed, I'm sure of that.

I also wanted to point out these were just my general categories of the groups I'm most used to. Of ~course~ many many many won't fit, but the majority (over 50%) probably would fit in. And it is NOT A CONTEST of course. Not at all, I hope you see that's not what I meant. What I tried to convey here is EVERYONE DESERVES SUPPORT and this list of mine was just me trying to explain how hard/easy it is, FOR ME, to give that support, after MY journey.

28 comments:

Kristin said...

No real thoughts because we can't help our feelings. All we can control is our actions.

Its weird because I have never had any trouble conceiving but I had loss after loss after loss. It puts me in a very weird category in this land of IF.

Steph O. said...

I don't really fit into any of your groups. We've ben TTC for 3 1/2yrs, but haven't sought treatment due to various reasons (denial, a car accident, a move, now no ins).

I feel the pain of not having a family after this much time. But then I also wonder if it's my own fault for not getting help. I would def have guilt if we get pg on our own, due to the procedures that so many women are going through. I may also have guilt if all it takes is a round or two of Clomid.

But, our circumstances are what they are right now & I'm working with them the best that I can. I feel bad for anyone who fits the IF catagory, no matter where they are in the journey.

Melissa said...

What's hard for me is that i'm halfway through my second year and just starting injectibles. My first was easy to conceive. The second time I did it took 8 months and only one month of ovulating, and I miscarried that one. It's been almost a year from that and clomid can suck my balls.

I think people have to tread lightly no matter what kind of IF a family is going through. I'm more bitter about everyone on tv getting pregnant rather than people in the blog world, how fucked up is that :) but then again i don't have to see bloggers IRL so i have no problem supporting them.

Amanda said...

I don't think it can be broken down that easily, there are many of us that just don't fit. I was diagnosed with PCOS after a whole year of being anovulatory when I was 15. I'd already known I was infertile for a decade before my first clomid cycle. We never even got a chance to try on our own. So, I'm only on clomid cycle #5 and have only been with the RE for 7 months, but I feel very bitter and down trodden already.

Meanwhile, there are women that more or less skipped orals and iui's and went straight to ivf cause of age or severe male factor. I quit the online boards cause some of these girls act like the girls doing clomid are all the same and will get our BFP in another month and can't understand how difficult IVF is and don't give us credit for what we may have already been through.

Anonymous said...

My longest struggle with IF was 13 months. Small potatoes, really, but each month AF showed it devastated me. I would cry for days.

Then my other pregnancies were very 'easy' for me. One took about 3 cycles, and the other 2 were HUGE surprises.

Did I earn those pregnancies? Of course!

Does anyone 'deserve' to be pregnant more than anyone else? Of course not.

The girl who gets pregnant on her first cycle, who desperately wants a baby, is just as 'deserving' as someone who TTC for months upon months and is forced to spend a buttload of money trying to figure out WHY it hasn't happened.

I am SO frustrated for these girls who want a baby so so badly but it's taking them much longer than they ever imagined. It's heartwrenching to read through their emotions and to feel their pain, and to wish that there was something, anything, that you could say to make them feel better.

But all you can do is support them and help them keep the faith that it will happen. Just be a shoulder for them to cry on, whether they have been TTC for 3 months or 10 years. Just being there is the most important thing, IMO.

And to remember that IF is not a contest. It's not about big I's and little You's.

Just my two cents.

Wordgirl said...

Hi Nancy! I've missed you!

First of all let me say I miss Red Rocks...and one of the best shows of my young life was seeing Jane's Addiction at a tiny venue in Denver -- (old theater type place w/ balconies/?? don' remember -- it was 1991) *sigh*

On the other stuff-- you know I always marvel at the length so many women go through -- literally through the fire -- and I've felt guilty on occasion that though I had four years of ttc -- without any glimmer of success -- until the 'big guns' -- and then seemingly to find out that IVF was our ticket all along *knock on wood* - I've felt like I've been lucky, really -- and wondered where I would fit in these categories -- all these women whose tenacious spirit I admire (including you) --

I find I'm running in my old tracks as far as TTC support --and don't reach out as much into the community for new blogs as I could -- in part the women I found at the same points I was at now have babies, some reaching their first birthdays or more --and they still feel like my peeps -- you know?

Anywho...

XO to you,

Pam

Hollie said...

Sounds like a fun summer of concerts. I too struggle with how to deal with people and support people going through different stages of IF and fertile people. All people deserve support and should have respect for each other.

C Lo said...

You know, I know this isn't the point of your post but you touched on it so I'm going to run with it.........

As someone who is just a regular ol' "fertile", I feel like often my support isn't appreciated or wanted. Which is fine, I've never walked that walk but I can't help but thinking........if the goal, if the end result, is us all being on the same big boat of motherhood.......shouldn't we try to all get along as best as we can?

I dunno....

Morgan said...

yeah Clomid is just "dipping" your feet in the water, but don't forget how long it took the people top realize they NEEDED Clomis, then after they started taking it how long it took them to actually get pregnant. I think when a cycle fails it is just as devastating rather you are taking Clomid or doing IVF. The pain is the still same, regardless what you went through.

JamieD said...

The only person I have a difficult times supporting is the one who can't get a BFP after three months of TTC. Come back with some battle scars and we'll see.

Other than that, I would willingly give anyone my support no matter what avenue they take in building their family. There are some women, especially now that I am pregnant, I wonder if they want my support or not. They may not realize it but my TTC wounds are still very fresh.

I have ~always~ wanted to go to a concert at Red Rocks. I tried to get Hubby to take me to Jane's Addiction and NIN but it was too much for him (we have some musical differences). I actually made him take a picture of me with a picture of Dave Navarro that was hanging inside of the women's restroom at the Hard Rock in Vegas. Good times.

Sarah R said...

I try to support everyone, regardless of their status. The only people I have a hard time supporting are those who complain after not getting pregnant right away--to me, they are being insensitive to those who have been trying for a long time.

I also have a hard time liking it when people who don't deserve kids get pregnant (my brother's ex-girlfriend had one kid and her parents ended up adopting him, had another and she adopted him out, and then the third one, with my brother (got pregnant just on a whim after meeting in a bar)--finally kept that one, but just a horrible mother).

Sarah R said...

Oh, and as someone who has experienced two losses (one only at 5 weeks, so not so bad--the other at 12 weeks, but baby stopped growing at 8), I really do have a hard time when people whine about not getting the gender they wanted, and they also easily got pregnant (I'm not talking minor complaining, I'm talking getting all depressed and super pity partying). It just stings a little because I would give anything to have that baby, boy or girl, to still be growing inside of me. I would be about 30 weeks right now. :(

Jason and Samantha said...

I don't know how to feel. I have a hard time supporting some people. Mainly its the people who tried for "six whole months". Someone who tries to make thier ordeal bigger than it really was..

I didn't think I got much support, even though we tried for 2.5 years - we never did IVF, mainly because we couldn't afford it and had to save up for those 2.5 years so we could try it once. Then BAM! we get pregnant against all odds.

And now I'm in an ever weirder group, because now I have an Ooops pregnancy. I never thought we would be surprised with a pregnancy, we weren't even trying.

Yeah, the infertility community hates that. Especially when it happens twice.

mommybird said...

You are so right that whichever group a person falls into, they deserve support and encouragement. When I lost the twin in my last pregnancy I was totally rejected by the pregnancy loss community because "at least there's still one baby". But any mother knows that one baby doesn't make up for the loss of another. There were three days before I even knew I was still pregnant and 10 weeks of bedrest and multiple ultrasounds (I think the final count was 20 but I can't remember)to make sure I would stay pregnant and the baby would be ok. She's sleeping right now in the other room, she's perfect and I'm full of what can only be described as joy for the three babies I have, but I still can't help but ache for the one that could have been.

Beautiful Mess said...

Your list *for lack of a better term* gave me some insight. I've felt I've struggled to find the right words of encouragement or support because I've never gone through any type of treatment. We got pregnant easily with Nae, horrible pregnancy, but easily achieved. In between her and Zilla, it was horrible. Miscarriages, the TTC for that elusive second and talking about not having anymore and then onto FINALLY getting pregnant and STAYING pregnant. I do my best to encourage and support, but sometimes I feel as it's coming across as fake because I've never been "there".
Great post! I love it when you make me think!
*HUGS*

nancy said...

C Lo, I totally think the point is for all of us to get along. Is there anything I said that would imply that wasn't the goal? If so, I apologize, as that was definitely not my intent.

I can, however, tell you that as an infertile, support from fertiles ARE appreciated. Sometimes the wrong thing comes out "there is always next month!" or stuff like that, but when I know the person means well, I appreciate it. Although I may correct the person who says something insensitive (on accident) and explain that "I'm thinking of you" is all that needs to be said, the underlying support is awesome, regardless of WHO the person giving it is.

nancy said...

Morgan, I respectfully disagree. My doc gave me clomid one of my first few months ttc. That failure, although it sucked, was NOTHING like my IUI failures or my IVF fail/cancellation. Although I wouldn't have known that before I did IUIs and IVF.

I am NOT making it a contest at all though, please don't misinterpret my comment. Yes, for the person involved, a failure is a failure. But treatments, until you go through it on your own, is simply uncomparable.

Think about it in these terms ... clomid doesn't increase your chances much. Sure, you are more hopeful, but statistically speaking, clomid doesn't give that much of an increased chance. Even for someone who didn't ovulate before, although clomid was your ONLY chance at conceiving compared to not being on clomid, the stat of conceiving is still only ~20%~. For IVF, on the other hand, you can get a success rate of 60%. SO when a treatment with such high success rates fail, it's much harder to swallow than one with a lower success rate.

Again, the pain of failure sucks regardless, but from someone who has been there, IVF failure is definitely more devestating. When I failed with just clomid, it was almost like "eh, it was ~just~ a clomid cycle". But the failure I thought I had with IVF/FET (remember, I was 99.9% sure it failed due to the BFN at 10dp3dt) was the worst failure I ever had because of the high success rates that still didn't work.

Amanda said...

From the perspective of an anovulatory person, a failed ovulatory cycle is a real devastation. Going from a 0% chance to a 20% chance is a big deal. Perhaps if I thought I'd get another chance next month it wouldn't be such a big deal, but for someone relying on drugs for that chance, I don't know if the drugs will work next month. I might not get that chance. I won't argue that a failed IVF isn't more devastating than a failed clomid cycle cause I haven't been there and I'm sure that if I get that far I will be devastated by that failure, but I feel like you are trivializing the pain caused by failed oral cycles. And I have spent more than $3000 on these 'little' clomid cycles so they don't feel so little to me. I know that's a drop in the bucket compared to IVF, but it certainly affects my personal economy greatly. And part of the pain of failing these smaller cycles is knowing how much closer I'm getting to IVF-A path I desperately do not want to travel. All IF and IF treatment sucks. We need to not be judgmental about other's suffering and support the people that need it regardless of treatment.

nancy said...

Amanda, I'm sorry to have upset you. I would never trivialize your clomid cycles. Nor do I think the failures you are enduring are anything less than devesating.

I can only speak from my own experience of the ~6 clomid cycles (4 w/ IUI) versus the one IVF and FET cycles I endured. And what I said in respond to Morgan's comment is my honest response to MY experience. I wouldn't expect everyone else to have to think the same way I do about that. I am trying very hard to explain these are ~my~ opinions on ~my~ experiences.

Because I have felt the pain of both, I can say how much more devestating it was TO ME to have failed at something with a larger success rate because the idea of "if ivf doesn't work, I've got nowhere to go from here." This does NOT mean I think the clomid/IUI cycles were trivial, just that the failure of IVF was harder for me to deal withI am definitely ~not~ trivializing a clomid cycle or hell, ANY cycle. And I totally get the aspect of being annovulatory and clomid being the first real chance some people have. My point is that even if clomid increases someone's chance 100%, the stat of pregnancy is still only 20%. Which of COURSE is a huge deal!! And OF COURSE the failure of such a cycle would be horribly devastating, even more for someone who is annovulatory.

Again, I'm sorry I upset you and I really mean that. ~Please~ understand I'm simply comparing experiences I have gone through. In no way am I saying you are undeserving of all the support in the world.


I am not judging anyone else's suffering than my own. And my whole point here is that everyone deserves support, regardless of where they are. Just because I broke it down in some generalized categories and how I support each "group" differently, my underlying point here is that I know each and every person deserves support.

Once again, sorry to have made you angry with my comments. I hope you accept my apology and get my explanation. What you are going through is fucking tough. 100%.

Jen said...

I mentioned to a friend on Sunday how I'm jealous of another friend with a baby Jillian's age, because his girlfriend is pregnant by accident again. I am not even actively trying for another and yet I'm jealous. Perhaps the ability to have an accident is what I'm jealous of. I don't know.

I think everybody walks there own path and IF is no exception. And those paths are not equal in terms of pain and frustration. Honestly I consider myself lucky and even hesitate to include myself in the IF category. I had an obvious ovulation problem, went to a RE early, got oral meds and a IUI, and got pregnant within my first few cycles of treatment. Maybe to somebody who has never TTC that would seem bad. But compared to many people facing IF, that's nothing.

Morgan said...

I don't have anything else to say lol

Morgan said...

p.s.- that was a clever title for a bullet post lol! :)

katery said...

i have seen the offspring, but it was like, 15 years ago, i kind of liked them then, but i have no interest in them now, EXCEPT... there are two songs on ignition that i like, dirty magic and sessions, dirty magic because of the awesome guitar, and sessions because, HELLO, it totally reminds me of bitchin' SNOWBOARDING SESSIONS!!!! i used to LOVE warped tour, i even worked at several of them, but i have since given it up, i can no longer tolerate the boiling hot asphalt for an entire day, i'm old.
as for the if groups, you're entitled to your opinion, this is your blog and if people don't like it they don't have to read it, capiche??? (:

Lisa said...

I agree that you are entitled to your opinion and can post how you feel on your blog. This is obviously a sensitive subject but your readers should know you by now and know that you never meant any disrespect.

I am not a part of the IF world so I cannot really comment on what is hard or harder. All I know is that no one should have to deal with it at all. And for some reason it always seems to be the people who would be (or are, depending on the situation) the best moms. Why is it that those who shouldn't be having kids seem to have such an easy time procreating?

katery said...

... on second thought, maybe it's the bass in dirty magic that's so awesome... either way, I LIKE IT.

Rachel said...

I've always been a bit puzzled by your degrees/stages of infertility, especially the discussion about TTC boards, etc. As someone who had never, ever ovulated and only had one uninduced period in my life, I have known since my first hormonal work-up at age 11 that I would never get pregnant without shots, etc. In my case, it turns out that the "etc" part of that equation was practically non-existent (we didn't even have to do an IUI - just induce ovulation with shots). So on one hand (thus far - and we did get incredibly lucky to have success the first -and only- time I ever produced viable eggs and ovulated) my journey has been incredibly easy, but on the other hand I am -still- coming to terms with the fact that we will never have a "surprise." I will never have to think hard about when my LMP was. We will never, ever be "trying to conceive" in the sense of things done home alone in the bedroom. Yes, still trying to come to terms more than 17 years after our family ob/gyn sat me down and explained that my hormones were not "normal."

Which is just to say that the loss of realizing that you will never, ever get "lucky" and conceive between medicated cycles is a pretty overwhelming feeling and a bit different than many infertiles who have had failed pregnancies on their own prior to treatment. I think the best comparison for me is to women whose tubes are scarred or removed. They can carry pregnancies, but they have to deal with the idea that there is absolutely no hope for them conceiving "during a break."

projectkjetil said...

Well dangit Nancy if you didn't get me thinking about all of this.

Having thought about it for quite some time, I have a feeling my comment will still be disjointed, so bear with me.

The first time I read your post, I scanned right to the bottom for the dramz. Then I scanned through your groups to see where I fit. (I don't, and I don't mind that at all.)

Then I went back and read. Really really read. And realized that I temper my comments (or avoid commenting entirely) based on the category that the blogger lives in at the moment.

Although I'm currently barren, my partner's easy fertility made me a mom. Thus, I'm careful about commenting on posts where the person is dealing with the pain of having no children.

Since my home has two uteri (both functional altough only 50% proven), I'm careful about commenting on posts where the person (either straight or single) is dealing with severe endo or tube loss.

Since all of my ten cycles have been at the RE's office, I'm careful about my comments to those who have tried at home for years. I can't imagine having your first appointment feel like a defeat.

Since my last two pregnancies have been short and unsuccessful, I shy away from commenting on worried posts from the newly pregnant. After all, I carry the taint of non-success... couldn't my support be construed as commiseration (like "I can see the writing on the wall for you too, and you're about to join my horrible little club")? I don't mean it that way at all, but I'm very very gunshy about coming across that way.

Lastly, since my family structure runs counter to some bloggers religious beliefs, I choose not to comment at all. Even though I'm also a person of faith (although I've been wrestling with a crisis of faith in the midst of TTC), I have a feeling that my so-called support would hurt them. After all, they may see me as undeserving of parenthood period, and the fact that I'm already a co-mom could hurt even more.

My goodness, that's a long list of avoidance. It makes me look like a real weeny. I pause and think good thoughts for all of these groups, I really do. I just fear hurting them at their most vulnerable.

Elana Kahn said...

Using you for Blogger Bingo!!!