Shoot. BANG! (important update at bottom ... )

A clever title to have for a bulleted post. (okay, clever to me. I'm easily amused.)

(a section about bands/music first ... look for the line of ~*~*~*~ to bypass and got to see the IF stuff.)

~ FOTC, as I mentioned yesterday, was one of the best shows I have ever been to. Maybe I can't really say that, as I am a show goer chick who used to tour with punk bands in college and see no less than one show each week. But I was really impressed with how good it was. I love the show. I love the songs. I love the comedy. If anyone has missed the show on HBO, you should at least check it out. It's some pretty dry comedy and there will be many who don't like it, but for those who will like it, it'll be more than worth your time.

~ We have a week without doing anything and then there are three shows starting the 25th. Pennywise is monday and Jane's Addiction is tuesday (they are actually opening for nine inch nails, but we'll most likely leave - NIN isn't really my thing). Then Thursday is another Red Rocks show "punk on the rocks" with The Offspring and The Vandals. I'm on the fence about attending this one though. Has anyone seen The Offspring? I'm not particularly a fan but I'm always up for a good show. For instance, I'm going to go see 311 at Red Rocks because they are amazing live. I do ~not~ like them any other time, but I'll totally go see a show because of their stage presence.

~ June brings only one show, which is the comedian Arg Barker. He plays "dave" on FOTC actually and he opened for the boys this weekend. SO funny I immediately bought tickets to see his show at Comedy Works on Friday, the 26th. (if anyone in denver wants to join us, buy tickets for the 10pm show and join us! Lori? Lilith? Denise? Jen? Anyone?)

~ July will be fun with DCFC at red rocks (which I got on the guest list. woot!) and the Mile High Festival (The Black Keys, Tool, Incubus, Ben Harper, lots more). Let's not forget the Pikes Peak Hill Climb which is added fun because my very bestest friend in the whole wide world will be coming to attend it with me.

~ For August we got The Vans Warped Tour. I may be getting a little old for this one, but there are some bands I'm pretty excited about. (in no particular order ...) The Reverend Peytons Big Damn Band (fucking hilarious rockabilly. Catch them if you ever have the chance) NOFX (like I even have to say why they rock) Less Than Jake (ah, memories...) Bad Religion (classic.) Senses Fail. 3OH!3. Hrm. Flogging Molly isn't playing. I'm a bit bummed because I picked this show over Kings of Leon playing the same day. Maybe I'll send my hubby and a friend to The Warped Tour while I go to Kings of Leon. Hrm. Now I need someone to go with me to Kings of Leon on 8/09. Anyone? I'll go buy tickets tomorrow!

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(I'm done with the bands now. No this will be exploring my opinions of judging ttcers)

I find myself having a hard time dealing with my jealousy of pregnancies in the world. (I'm not upset anyone of my IRL friends ~are~ pregnant, just that I'm not.) Isn't that just to most ridiculous thing you have ever heard of? Me. The girl with 3 kids. But you see, it's the fact that as I walk around with the said 3 children, I'm no longer waring my scarlet "IF" on my chest anymore. And infertile looks at me as if I'm a normal, run of the mill fertile. I've seen "those" looks. I've seen women look at me with contempt, as they pick up OPKs or a fertility book. I try to shoo my kids away and give her space and privacy, but I also want to say "Hey. I worked mother fucking HARD for these kids. I don't deserve the looks you are giving me. Although I do understand where you are and I'm sorry." Or is it just payback because it's the look I gave these so called fertiles when I was still without children?

After the first year came and went and the new year consisted of surgeries and failed treatment cycles, I found myself pretty damned bitter. Straight up bitter to anyone who hadn't done at LEAST what I had done. (I also included things I hadn't gone through, like loss. or bigger treatments). Then the second time came to ttc and I got it in my first try. WTF?

I was a little screwed up at this point in having to deal with BFPs at this point. Sure, I got my BFP on my first cycle while TTC#2, but then again, for #1 I went through 18 cycles chock full of medication and surgery and treatments. This made me a very bitter yet also a forgiving infertile (since it came so easily for #2. Maybe I wasn't really an infertile and that first suckage WAS the REAL fluke?).

What it really did was fuck me in allowing me to assume ~anything~ for my round of ttc#3. Was I really infertile? Or was that a fluke? Was the easy BFP for #2 all that needs to be thought of? Instead, for #3 there was ... 4 surgeries! 4 IUIs! IVF! Canceled ET! FET! Long drawn out cycle20, which was for a FET with a cancellation suggested to me and I refused. At (4w0d) 11dp3dt, I got a teeny beta of 15 which was the little beta that could and continued to double. At 5w4d (16dp3dt), we found the yolk sac IN my uterus at the right size, but not much more. At 7w0d (26dp3dt), we found the beating heart. Then came the scary findings - velamentous cord insertion, placenta accreta and other placental issues based on age, ivf itself, etc. This pregnancy took 28 u/s's and we found so many ways the baby could have not made it, but luckily, it skipped him and I'm to one who almost died. Thank god it was me.

My point here is how IF has changed me. I went through some MAJOR shit in my IVF/FET and pregnancy (and I also am very aware that comparitively speaking to tens of thousands of other women, I didn't go through much). And now my beautiful baby of mine, karl, is sleeping in his nursery at this very minute. So I'm able to now kind of look back at it all.

Do I think someone should have to go through what I went through for me to feel true sympathy for? No way! I think everyone deserves support and sympathy. Now, at the end of my ttc career, I can categorize the ttcers I'm "used to" and explain how easy or hard it is for me to support them. (PLEASE READ the "updated" section below, maybe even before reading this.) ...

note - I'm using some major generalizations here and the bottom updated section should explain it better, but in case you don't go read that first, keep it in mind! I left out so many categories of people because I admittedly don't know much about a lot of the circumstances. Please do not be offended.

1. Those who are simply in that first year. They may be going though initial tests and maybe those first little "clomid" cycles, dipping their toes wet into the ttc ocean.
--- I can support these ladies, but I have to be very careful in how I do it, as I really do want to be sincere, but my bitterness could ruin a truthful support at any time. I remember this part of my journey, the naive part, where I just didn't understand how fucking hard it could be. The majority of women will get pregnant in this place too, so if you are going to support your friends, start here. Think back and remember how hard a negative cycle, even in that first cycle, felt to you. I was so disappointed! After a few more, I was devastated and the tears started to form.

2. Those that are in their second year of ttc. Maybe the first year was done 'alone' and they never sought treatment. So they are a little behind group 1 in the fact they are now seeking treatment. But most of this group have had a year of trying alone and might have had minor workups and now the treatments are getting more serious. IUIS for sure would fall in here. Oral medical cycles. Injectible cycles. HSGs & HSSs. Sperm Counts. Post Coital. Cd3 testing and blood work. All your normal initial testing. It usually gets aggressive quickly and you may find yourself past those failed IUIs and right into the IVF in this category. Due to the treatments, there are also a lot of BFPs here, but there are unfortunately many, many BFNS too.
-- Supporting these ladies isn't too hard because of what they went through. Plain and simple. There's no feelings of "they haven't earned it" even how ridiculous that sounds to me now.

3. Here is the group who's done it all. And done it multiple times. Or have simply been trying on their own for years and years. The BFPs are more rare here, but they do still happen.
-- If "deserving" support had any bearing on actually receiving it, these women would automatically have it without a second thought. But for me, supporting some of these women is a little tricky because I have found some are so bitter of their failures (which I totally understand) they are almost pissed to receive it. Many/Most of them are not bitter, but I have ran into it so many times that my idea of being careful in my support does cross my mind.

4. Then there is the group who have succeeded in either groups 2 or 3 and then WHAM! They suddenly get a BFP when they are back in group 1 TTC#2 (or more). Guilt usually happens here, but to 95% of the public, we still say there previous IF still "counts" for them.
-- There women don't need support really, since they are already pregnant with their second (or more), but they do seem to have a guilt that needs to be supported.

5. And then there is the group that have given up on the biological link. They are learning to live with out children.
-- This is the group I have the hardest time supporting, especially were I stand, because I feel at a loss for words. I do support them though. I'm just afraid it's not enough because I don't know what to say.


So that's the breakdown of how ~I~ feel there are different categories and how I feel about supporting each of them. Any thoughts?


Updated ----

Hrm, re-reading it (and fixing a bajillion typos, hey, it was late when I wrote it) made me have to rewrite some dumbass shit I said on accident. It also made me see I didn't include two biggies - Adoption and Loss.

As for adoption, people persue adoption for a variety of reasons, not just because their own tries fail. I think adoption needs to be put into it's own multiple categories.

I also didn't mention loss because I've only been exposed to it, not felt it myself more than a maybe chemical pregnancy in only one of my 29 cycles. Many of my best IRL friends have had losses (L, J and R) but I think that no matter how terrible I feel about it, I just will never understand it and therefore, I can't categorize it in my simple list above. Although if I had to categorize, it wouldn't fit in any of the ones I already listed, I'm sure of that.

I also wanted to point out these were just my general categories of the groups I'm most used to. Of ~course~ many many many won't fit, but the majority (over 50%) probably would fit in. And it is NOT A CONTEST of course. Not at all, I hope you see that's not what I meant. What I tried to convey here is EVERYONE DESERVES SUPPORT and this list of mine was just me trying to explain how hard/easy it is, FOR ME, to give that support, after MY journey.