You know, I can't believe this blog is ~my~ blog. I simply can't believe I'm here.
(keep reading. this isn't the post you think it is.)
Yeah, I tried pretty fucking hard to be here - 4 surgeries, 3 IUIs, 1 IVF and an FET. But still, this is my life? Whoa.
I can't tell you how many times I'd click through the pregnancy blogs (when I got the balls to do it) and pretty much muttered "bitches". Not that I really thought anyone was a bitch for being pregnant, it was just my general attitude of "why them and not me?". I'm sure anyone going through IF understands that and knows I'm not evil.
And here I am. I actually didn't think it'd be me. I thought we'd hit August and I'd write about a bajillion "woe is me" posts about having to give up.
The thing I like most about it, is my shock can be ~anyone's~ shock. Seriously. You. The IFer (with working parts) reading this. Without warning. Fuck, next month, in the next few months. By winter. This can and most likely will be you.
I honestly never thought I'd be here. And I bet you (the readers I'm talking about) don't think you'll ever be here. And while some of you unfortunately won't be, many will. And it's insane to think about. Just WHAMMO and you are suddenly changing your mind about the creepy baby widget and you are itching to put yours up, even though you told the world you absolutely, completely and utterly LOATHE them. (I still think they ~are~ creepy though.)
I know I'm sounding quite like the "hope" girl. And the "positive" girl. Which, of course, I also hate. The ones who are permanently looking towards the future. Usually, I'm more of a "fuck that. let me wallow in my own self pity. I deserve to hate everyone right now." And I ~am~ still like that - ie: when I read someone having a hard time and hating IF and hating pregnant girls and hating any new BFP announcement, I will respond with a simple ~hug~. I won't EVER say "don't give up! it happened to me!" - that would make me want to punch myself in the face.
But what I ~am~ saying is ... for as shocked as I am right now, I know so many of you will be shocked too when it happens to you. I wish I had a crystal ball to tell everyone WHEN it will happen. I also wish I knew when it just isn't in the cards so instead of riding this fucking lame ass roller coaster, you can just get off, get on the teacups and begin the healing (even though the teacups will still make your stomach turn).
So I'll just wait. Wait until I can revel in someone else's shock. Damn, I just wish I knew when. I wish ~you~ knew when.
... Once (and still) Infertile, but still Schnarky as hell. This blog is dedicated to the daily ramblings from the mind of Nancy. It isn't about anything profound in the grand scheme of things, but it ~is~ about things in my life, schnarkiness always included. I have a second blog, listed in my profile, but the blogs will continue to remain separate.
"I'm aiming for heaven, but I'll probably wind up down in hell"
About Me
- nancy
- I am a 39 year old woman. I am the mother of two beautiful daughters and a handsome son. I am a career woman. As for my TTC world, it certainly doesn't seem like I am "infertile", but I fought for my pregnancies and my TTC/IF history is on the sidebar. I have two blogs, which are both listed in my profile. One focuses on my daily life - including IF, TTC, pregnancy, delivery and even some "children mentioned" posts. The second blog is ~soley~ posts directly about being the mother to my three children.
Belly Pics for #3 only.
Click stick figure to see the consecutive pictures from this pregnancy only.
My TTC History
- Jul 01 ~ married
- Jan 02 ~ First cycle off bcps and opk shows ovulation!
- Dec 02 ~ Went to pcp for RE referral
- Jan 03 ~ Testing commences. S/A perfect. HSG clear.
- Feb 03 ~ Lap #1. All clear.
- Apr 03 ~ Clomid cycle #1. BFN.
- May 03 ~ Clomid cycle #2. BFN.
- Jun 03 ~ Clomid cycle #3. BFN.
- Jul 03 ~ Supposed to be IUI#1, but we missed cd3 so natural cycle
- Aug 03 ~ BFP on C18.
- Apr 04 ~ Ella born.
- Oct 04 ~ decided to ttc #2 and went off minipill to see if I am ovulating. I am. Will start next month.
- Nov 04 ~ TTC#2 starts. BFP. Holy Crap. No freaking way. No way.
- Aug 05 ~ Allison born
- Oct 06 ~ IUD removed. TTC#3
- Jan 07 ~ Large cysts found.
- Feb 07 ~ Femara cyle #1
- Mar 07 ~ Started w/ RE. HSG #2 showed R tube blocked. S/A normal.
- Mar 07 ~ more cysts, up to 9cms.
- Apr 07 ~ more cysts, 3 @ 7-9cms.
- May 07 ~ IUI #1 cancelled due to more cysts
- Jun 07 ~ IUI #1 (take two) w/ Clomid. BFN.
- Jul 07 ~ HSS showed scar tissue in 70% of uterus. Diagnosed with Asherman's Syndrome. Uterine surgery #2
- Aug 07 ~ HSG #3 showed clear tubes.
- Aug 07 ~ IUI #2 w/ Femara. BFN.
- Sept 07 ~ Monitored w/ hCG trigger. BFN.
- Oct 07 ~ HSS #2 showed scar tissue in 30% of uterus. Uterine surgery #3.
- Dec 07 ~ HSS #3 showed tiny amount of scar tissue. Uterine surgery #4.
- Jan 08 ~ HSS #4 showed clear uterus.
- Jan 08 ~ IUI #3, C16. BFN.
- Mar 08 ~ IVF #1, Transfer Cancelled due to lining. Out of 15 eggs, 9 were mature and all 9 fertilized. I have named my 9 embryos "The Mod Squad" and they are in the freezer, waiting for mommy to be ready.
- Apr/May 08 ~ FET #1. C20. 4 embryos "The Fab Four" transferred on 5/05. BFP!!! Very Low Beta (15 at 11dp3dt) but the numers continued to double every 48 hours. Told it was "most likely not viable" and later "most likely ectopic" but we beat all the odds.
- May 16, 08 ~ 11dp3dt (4w0d), beta #1: 15
- May 19, 08 ~ 14dp3dt (4w3d), beta #2: 43
- May 23, 08 ~ 18dp3dt (5w0d), beta#3: 213
- May 27, 22dp3dt (5w4d), beta #4: 1,073
- Jun 08 - Ultrasound showed one heartbeat at 7 weeks.
- Jul 08 - Had CVS testing. Chromosomes are normal and it's a BOY!! EDD: 1/23
- Aug 08 - Jan 09 ~ High risk due to: 1) Velamentous Cord Insertion, deemed biggest risk 2) Previous Placenta Accreta 3) Previous rapid degraged placenta 4) IVF alone can create weak placenta 5) AMA - Advanced Maternal Age. -- All resulting in almost 30 u/s and lots of testing, which ended up saving my life.
- Jan 09 (38w0d) ~ Karl is born! -- Crazy 3 days in hospital. Manual version to flip baby from breech to head down, Labor, Delivery, Emergency surgery due to cord detaching from placenta, Scary heart issues from losing over 40% of my blood supply, and then a blood transfusion due to the extreme loss of blood. Whew!
Blog Archive
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2008
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June
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- I couldn't find the heartbeat.
- Still in shock.
- It's "Let's Admit it Thursday"
- Do you know ~that~ person?
- Bleeding with PIO?
- all is well...
- I need to vent.
- Have you missed me?
- Have I mentioned how I love all nighters?
- Saturday Scattergories and "what I have done"
- Goodbye Sammy.
- Timing couldn't of been any better.
- I've lost my symptoms
- Grandma has passed.
- Mmmmm. Sushi.
- Go Boston!!!
- Randomness on a tuesday
- The belly.
- The ignorance of Infertility.
- Lord Only Knows.
- TGIF.
- Are you a blogger?
- Just call me u/s queen.
- What's that number?
- I'm hurt.
- The "after bfp guilt" post ...
- braces bunch!!
- The Old Wives' Tale of the Heartbeat.
- Clearing these hurdles without even looking!
- It's book review time!
- Let's talk about boobies.
- Fashion Show!
- Heels make boys feel inadequate.
- hint for the creepy bouncing widgets
- I lied. So sue me.
- Sucketh of Monkey Balls.
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June
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24 comments:
Thanks Nancy. That was a nice blog and I think your widget is looking less creepy these days.
I agree- your widget is looking like a baby & not an alien now! Yay!
I wish I knew when too- obviously, duh! But thank you for the post & the wishes. :o)
I too have wished for that crystal ball hundreds of times. By the way, I laughed out loud at the "punch myself in the face" comment. That's just funny. (Not YOU doing it, just the thought/visual of anyone doing it.)
Thanks Nancy. I really liked that post. I know it WILL happen to me deep down. It just sucks getting there. Which I know you know all too well. Oh and one more thing.... you need a new belly pic!
I'm SO with you! It's just like holyshitmylifedida180 all in the course of the time it took that damn pee stick to produce 2 lines. But I like this post. You're the IF cheerleader today. :o)
I like the crystal ball idea. I wish you had one too. It would make all of our lives a lot easier to handle! And you could tell me what my next step will be in this crazy IF journey that always seem to have so many unexpected twists and turns.
Dude. I wish I knew too.
You are so sweet to say that to so many IFs out there.
I hope your little one is making you happy these days!
I know I will feel the same way when I get pregnant as well. Yeah you heard me I said when, I am (unfortunately sometimes) full of hope. Though that doesn't make each month any easier. Anyway. Thanks I appreciated this post.
I thought that was you on my giveaway!
Never been on a picnic? Really? But, you live here in Colorado... Yea... we need to get you on a picnic lady! Unless you don't like random bugs coming over to say Hi, kids squishing your food as they try to run off before they finish eating.
Perhaps we will wait until you are not in the beginning stages of your lovely journey :)
*wierd happy dance*
Thank you! It's my tribute to Bettie Page, now if I could only do that wavy thing she always did! Fabulous..
I'm glad it looks that way, that was my plan, I just got it recut today so I'm feeling fabulous, and a little sore in the eyebrow area, I let it go too long :)
Thanks for the comment on my blog :) Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier to get through every day if I knew when it was going to happen. But then again...if it's 3 years from now and 6 IUI's and 2 IVF's later...I'm not sure I would want to know..I don't think I'd be able to handle knowing I have to wait that long.
Well put! I love the way you described that. Thanks for the good wishes, and I just wanted to say congrats on your pregnancy :-) I'm so glad things are going well - here's to many more boring weeks ahead!
While I don't sufer from IF, my body has a hard time dealing with pregnancy. I got very early onset preeclampsia and delivered too early. I am so nervous about getting pregnant again and I would love a crystal ball to see into the future.
can't wait to see another belly pic! :)
Nancy,
I want to say thank-you for this post. Like I've said in the past I haven't been trying as long as some people. But it is still frustrating seeing those BFN's every month. The more time that passes also makes me wonder if there is there is a "problem"
However, after reading this post, you have reassured me and put the hope back a little and I thank you for that!
I have been working on a similar post. I used to roll my eyes at pregnant women - how can I post belly shots that others might be jealous of???
That was a great post, Nancy. I wish I knew if it was going to happen and when, but after many of the IFers getting their BFPs I have renewed hope.
So true, so true. I felt the same way - when I was a poor, barren infertile I never felt as if pregnancy or parenthood were the most remote possibility. Now that I'm a mum, I've realised that quite a few of us get to the other side. I didn't believe it back in the dark days, but it really does happen...
I really liked the post....if you ever do find that Crystal Ball could you please let me know when will be ~my~ turn...b/c I am really scared to go to the next step the FET.
And last night when I had a breakdown in private that's what was going through my head...I just want to know when and if it will happen.
Once again a really great post :)
GREAT POST!!! *sniff sniff*
I feel the same way, I never thought it would be me. I wish it could be all of us.
Your creepy widget baby is cuter than mine, when is mine going to get cute? (Any Day Now)
I just like what you said, I'm emotional and had tears that you always seam to put into words so many of my emotions that I cant describe. I get that Shock, and boy is it a shock. I wished there was an answer, I wished it really was when you least expect it. I wished it wasnt when you least expect it. And I wished I had the power to convince the universe to ease up a bit and not be so hard on these women TTC, to give them a clue, or to hurry things up.
So true. I know where you are coming from. But for now I remain the slightly hostile secondary infertile!
Thank you for posting this. It's not said in a lot of circles and I think you said it well. Although I am jealous, I am genuinely happy for you! Now my neighbor who had her third "oops" on the other hand...
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