Friday, June 27, 2008

Still in shock.

You know, I can't believe this blog is ~my~ blog. I simply can't believe I'm here.

(keep reading. this isn't the post you think it is.)

Yeah, I tried pretty fucking hard to be here - 4 surgeries, 3 IUIs, 1 IVF and an FET. But still, this is my life? Whoa.

I can't tell you how many times I'd click through the pregnancy blogs (when I got the balls to do it) and pretty much muttered "bitches". Not that I really thought anyone was a bitch for being pregnant, it was just my general attitude of "why them and not me?". I'm sure anyone going through IF understands that and knows I'm not evil.

And here I am. I actually didn't think it'd be me. I thought we'd hit August and I'd write about a bajillion "woe is me" posts about having to give up.

The thing I like most about it, is my shock can be ~anyone's~ shock. Seriously. You. The IFer (with working parts) reading this. Without warning. Fuck, next month, in the next few months. By winter. This can and most likely will be you.

I honestly never thought I'd be here. And I bet you (the readers I'm talking about) don't think you'll ever be here. And while some of you unfortunately won't be, many will. And it's insane to think about. Just WHAMMO and you are suddenly changing your mind about the creepy baby widget and you are itching to put yours up, even though you told the world you absolutely, completely and utterly LOATHE them. (I still think they ~are~ creepy though.)

I know I'm sounding quite like the "hope" girl. And the "positive" girl. Which, of course, I also hate. The ones who are permanently looking towards the future. Usually, I'm more of a "fuck that. let me wallow in my own self pity. I deserve to hate everyone right now." And I ~am~ still like that - ie: when I read someone having a hard time and hating IF and hating pregnant girls and hating any new BFP announcement, I will respond with a simple ~hug~. I won't EVER say "don't give up! it happened to me!" - that would make me want to punch myself in the face.

But what I ~am~ saying is ... for as shocked as I am right now, I know so many of you will be shocked too when it happens to you. I wish I had a crystal ball to tell everyone WHEN it will happen. I also wish I knew when it just isn't in the cards so instead of riding this fucking lame ass roller coaster, you can just get off, get on the teacups and begin the healing (even though the teacups will still make your stomach turn).

So I'll just wait. Wait until I can revel in someone else's shock. Damn, I just wish I knew when. I wish ~you~ knew when.

24 comments:

Earl Gearl said...

Thanks Nancy. That was a nice blog and I think your widget is looking less creepy these days.

jenn said...

I agree- your widget is looking like a baby & not an alien now! Yay!

I wish I knew when too- obviously, duh! But thank you for the post & the wishes. :o)

Leah said...

I too have wished for that crystal ball hundreds of times. By the way, I laughed out loud at the "punch myself in the face" comment. That's just funny. (Not YOU doing it, just the thought/visual of anyone doing it.)

~*JaYmE*~ said...

Thanks Nancy. I really liked that post. I know it WILL happen to me deep down. It just sucks getting there. Which I know you know all too well. Oh and one more thing.... you need a new belly pic!

alison said...

I'm SO with you! It's just like holyshitmylifedida180 all in the course of the time it took that damn pee stick to produce 2 lines. But I like this post. You're the IF cheerleader today. :o)

butterfly397 said...

I like the crystal ball idea. I wish you had one too. It would make all of our lives a lot easier to handle! And you could tell me what my next step will be in this crazy IF journey that always seem to have so many unexpected twists and turns.

Io said...

Dude. I wish I knew too.

Lilith Silvermane said...

You are so sweet to say that to so many IFs out there.

I hope your little one is making you happy these days!

Amy said...

I know I will feel the same way when I get pregnant as well. Yeah you heard me I said when, I am (unfortunately sometimes) full of hope. Though that doesn't make each month any easier. Anyway. Thanks I appreciated this post.

Lilith Silvermane said...

I thought that was you on my giveaway!

Never been on a picnic? Really? But, you live here in Colorado... Yea... we need to get you on a picnic lady! Unless you don't like random bugs coming over to say Hi, kids squishing your food as they try to run off before they finish eating.

Perhaps we will wait until you are not in the beginning stages of your lovely journey :)

Lilith Silvermane said...

*wierd happy dance*
Thank you! It's my tribute to Bettie Page, now if I could only do that wavy thing she always did! Fabulous..

I'm glad it looks that way, that was my plan, I just got it recut today so I'm feeling fabulous, and a little sore in the eyebrow area, I let it go too long :)

Laura & Paul said...

Thanks for the comment on my blog :) Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier to get through every day if I knew when it was going to happen. But then again...if it's 3 years from now and 6 IUI's and 2 IVF's later...I'm not sure I would want to know..I don't think I'd be able to handle knowing I have to wait that long.

sara said...

Well put! I love the way you described that. Thanks for the good wishes, and I just wanted to say congrats on your pregnancy :-) I'm so glad things are going well - here's to many more boring weeks ahead!

Sara said...

While I don't sufer from IF, my body has a hard time dealing with pregnancy. I got very early onset preeclampsia and delivered too early. I am so nervous about getting pregnant again and I would love a crystal ball to see into the future.

can't wait to see another belly pic! :)

Jen said...

Nancy,
I want to say thank-you for this post. Like I've said in the past I haven't been trying as long as some people. But it is still frustrating seeing those BFN's every month. The more time that passes also makes me wonder if there is there is a "problem"

However, after reading this post, you have reassured me and put the hope back a little and I thank you for that!

docgrumbles said...

I have been working on a similar post. I used to roll my eyes at pregnant women - how can I post belly shots that others might be jealous of???

Kimberly said...

That was a great post, Nancy. I wish I knew if it was going to happen and when, but after many of the IFers getting their BFPs I have renewed hope.

MsPrufrock said...

So true, so true. I felt the same way - when I was a poor, barren infertile I never felt as if pregnancy or parenthood were the most remote possibility. Now that I'm a mum, I've realised that quite a few of us get to the other side. I didn't believe it back in the dark days, but it really does happen...

Not in the Water said...

I really liked the post....if you ever do find that Crystal Ball could you please let me know when will be ~my~ turn...b/c I am really scared to go to the next step the FET.

And last night when I had a breakdown in private that's what was going through my head...I just want to know when and if it will happen.

Once again a really great post :)

theclam said...

GREAT POST!!! *sniff sniff*

Morrisa said...

I feel the same way, I never thought it would be me. I wish it could be all of us.

Jewels said...

Your creepy widget baby is cuter than mine, when is mine going to get cute? (Any Day Now)

I just like what you said, I'm emotional and had tears that you always seam to put into words so many of my emotions that I cant describe. I get that Shock, and boy is it a shock. I wished there was an answer, I wished it really was when you least expect it. I wished it wasnt when you least expect it. And I wished I had the power to convince the universe to ease up a bit and not be so hard on these women TTC, to give them a clue, or to hurry things up.

Lynda said...

So true. I know where you are coming from. But for now I remain the slightly hostile secondary infertile!

Denver Laura said...

Thank you for posting this. It's not said in a lot of circles and I think you said it well. Although I am jealous, I am genuinely happy for you! Now my neighbor who had her third "oops" on the other hand...