Monday, April 7, 2008

Weird dreams.

I had very vivid ET dreams last night. Weirdo.

It started out with me being there at 8am for an appointment and them telling me it was at 1215pm and being really pissed and yelling at people. Then I came back and had the mock-transfer and actually 'felt' the speculum. Seriously. Who dreams about feeling the speculum? Yeah, apparently I do.

Then the dream morphed into something completely different and I ended up in Phoenix with people chucking giant rocks into the streets and me having to run away so I didn't get beaned with one. Then my car got stolen. ~shrug~.

Nothing to 'report' ttc-wise as I'm just waiting for AF to show. Based on Friday's b/w, it shouldn't be until Wednesday-Thursday. So I wait and continue to take in protein.

My neck-lump is still with me. Awesome.

I'm a little annoyed about the issue of poas too. I'm not annoyed ~at~ anyone, just about the idea of the subject in general. I understand that the majority of women don't want to poas too soon. That's fine. But don't treat the aspect of testing as something bad or weak.

It's simply a personal choice.

Some women don't want to know if it's a BFN earlier than necessary. They like to live in a mock-pregnancy world for just another day. Me? The hope of one more day is just more hope to come crashing down on me. There is no way I want to build it anymore than necessary. I've said it before, hope is a bitch.

Some women get ~more~ frustrated with obsessing when they get a BFN early, because YES, it can still turn positive later. Me? An early BFN doesn't really phase me too much. And a BFN today won't change if it's a BFP tomorrow. I'll still be happy over a later BFP. But all in all, for me, the easier "final bfn" is easier for me to deal with when I chip away at my hope everyday. Sure, maybe it'll be a bfp in the end, but if it's not, I'm happy that I didn't build my hope.

But see, this is all just me. I don't care if women don't poas. That's fine. But don't make the women who do poas feel bad for doing so. You don't want to? Than don't. You want support and reasons for not doing so? Great, ask for them and get support. But please remember some women do poas early for very valid reasons, so don't 'talk down' on the practice. - it's just not for everyone. (and just to note again, this is not directed towards anyone, just a subject that has continued to bother me for, oh, the last 6 years.)


Rachel said...

I agree completely with your POAs evaluation. And in the world some of us live in the clinic just sends you home (or abroad) and tells you to call in with the results. So I'm wondering exactly how early you POAS and if you know how late the results can change. Cause it turns out I am a bit clueless about this.

Ahuva Batya said...

We all deal with the uncertainty in our own way, and nobody should make you feel bad for how you do it. I can definitely understanding wanting to know early. I was like that too. Until the single-line just got too much to bear and I just stopped POAS ever.

jenn said...

Sorry about the neck lump!

I just hate seeing the lack of line- so I don't like to test until I absolutely have to. But if I notice that I am getting a little carried away, or I start to think I have symptoms- I will test. Once I see that BFN- it's usually at least 12 dpo- then I know it's over and the obsessing can stop before it can really take hold.
I can't understand talking someone into or out of testing. I can see why you test early & I understand it- it's just not for me. But I wouldn't try to tell you to stop testing! (you is hypothetical btw)

oh- and some crazy ass dreams there.

Denise said...

I seriously thought you were talking about ET, the movie, as in "extra terrestrial." I need help. And so do you apparently based on your dreams. But really, I'm sure it is just all that anger and frustration over this cycle oozing out of your subconscious while you're sleeping. It sucks waking up after dreams like that and feeling like your sleep was anything but restful.

On the POAS front, I've done it both ways and I'm still not convinced which is easier for me. I hate it either way. Maybe that's just because I've never seen a positive. If I end up with a positive, I guess I'll swear by that method (no POAS, or POAS early and often) from that point on.

Jenera said...

I know this is totally random and not on topic with the post, but stop on by my blog to pick up an award.

Morgan said...

This is a subject I totally agree on you with, me and my step-mom were just joking the other day saying i was a POAS-aholic. I, personally, am the type who is very in tune with my body and I want to know RIGHT AWAY if there is anything going on. I remember when I first started TTC I said- I'd rather go on 'thinking' I am than 'knowing' I am not pregnant. After almost a year that has changed..I want to know NOW and right now. I've learned that others think differently, but there is nothing I can say because I have been on both sides of the road.