TTCers never stop fighting.

Pamela Jeanne at Coming2Terms has received her gift from me. She explains it here.

From my end, I just wanted to acknowledge a group of women who I don't think are thought of enough. Can you imagine how you would feel if after years of fighting infertility, you decided to hang up your gloves? And then they fall into this other category where it's so hard, at least for me, to even try to support them. I feel I'm unworthy to give them my words because I feel it's so unfair that I'm here and they are there. Even if I didn't conceive and I was still trying to conceive, I still had that chance of a different future.

Anywho - Here is my gift to PJ. And a gift I hope to keep giving to every women who finds herself "Living Child Free after Infertility". (and yes, the gloves are real boxing gloves and too huge to keep in this aspect. My friend Tammy found some miniature gloves for me to use in the future. Little 3" gloves would be a better idea).



The poem reads:

These gloves represent
you put up a fight.
You knew what you wanted,
you never lost sight.

But things didn't happen
exactly as you planned.
You had to hang up your gloves,
something you could barely understand.

Although you have put
your gloves up on a shelf,
It doesn't mean the battle is over,
you are still fighting yourself.

I'm sure it's a struggle
something you fight with every day.
You so wanted to win,
on your heart it must weigh.

But your war ended up not being about
what you had thought when it begun.
It ended up being a war of self truth.
It's a war you have already won.

These gloves represent
the fight you have fought.
In my eyes you are a hero
and it's admiration you've taught.

My idea has seen the light.

Remember this post, the post in which I was inspired by the women like PJ of Coming2Terms?

Well, my idea has come to fruition. It turned out exactly has I had imagined, although now that it's here, I think it could use a little modification. It turned out a little too big and I may have to find the same thing, just a miniature version. I can't talk any more about it now, as Pamela has not yet received it. But it's all boxed and stamped and ready for priority mail, so she'll get it by Friday or Saturday at the latest.

It's really not a big deal and I feel like I'm working it up into something bigger. I hope talking about it now doesn't effect the 'big reveal' once I'm able to share publicly.

What I think of as the whole picture is that I will be able to present this to each and every woman in the "Living Child Free After Infertility or Loss" blogroll category. Although I have clicked on each of these blogs in the past, I have to admit I only know a few of these ladies. I plan on spending a little time with each blog so I can get to know them (and they can get to know me a little bit) before I hit them up for their address. This is something that I'll have to ship to them, so I can understand how a virtual stranger asking for their address could be a little much from someone they don't know! Plus, this category touched my heart in a way I hadn't felt before, so I want to know these women.

This whole idea pivots on Pamela's reaction, as it may not go over as I had planned at all. So I'll just have to sit back and wait. No pressure Pamela, no pressure. (~wink~)

I'm inspired.

And I am not creative enough to think of an appropriate outlet. I'm hoping that simply taking the time to type this may help.

When I first started blog stalking, I would peruse Mel's blogroll of all blogs concerning IF. At first I started clicking through the secondary, general, unexplained and 'in the beginning' IF blogs, always "favoriting" anything that caught my eye. I also started reading many loss/stillbirth/neonatal death blogs. It's true that I have not had a loss of my own, but early on in my adulthood, before I knew anything about ttc, I've had friends who have been met with this tragedy. I was always the one they said, after the fact, I was of most comfort to them. For some reason, I felt comfortable in allowing myself to enter into their grief so I could lend a hand in any way. So I read these blogs in case I can bring that word of comfort to someone when they may need it.

As I made my way through my own journey, I started reading the IUI/IVF blogs and TTC after 35 category, because I have since joined their clubs. I then became a clicker for the parenting after IF and I click through them for any pregnancy/IF news/support for lost and found, but it's one of the harder categories I read because even though I'm a mom myself, it's hard to read about babies.

Through following comments made on my own blog and comments made on blogs I comment on, I've found my way through many other categories: Gay/Lesbian, Single Family Building, Donors, Health Issues, Male point of view, etc. I think I've made it through them all at least once now. But there was a category that although I have clicked through, I didn't (or couldn't) spend my energy on. This was "Living Child Free After Infertility or Loss".

It's not really true when I say I don't/can't spend my energy with them. I've been reading Pamela Jeanne for awhile now and I've "known" Tigger from a message board for years. But while both are in the "IF Blogs" folder in my web browser's favorites, I don't treat them the same as I do others blogs. Most blogs I click through and see what the new news is. Where they are - maybe some support is needed, maybe some cheering. But this category isn't like that. These blogs are more in depth with their feelings and where they are. Their posts are more poignant across the board. Have you been reading Pamela Jeanne's Coming2Terms blog? Cause if you don't, you should. Her blog explores so many concerns and thoughts, I get lost in them. They always make me think and sometimes I am at a loss for words.

Back to about not being able to spend my energy. I do not mean this in a trivial or rude way. I don't even think I can explain this to my satisfaction. It's like this category of blogs scares me. In a community where I would feel comfortable giving anyone support after something terrible, like a loss, I don't know how to 'help' someone truly trying to "coming to terms" with living child free. I ~want~ to help. I ~want~ to support. And I feel like a phony. Like someone like me shouldn't even be allowed to try to understand what they are going through. I'm afraid someone is pointing their finger at one of my comments screaming "you have NO right to care!!" (I know this isn't happening and I think Pamela is a wonderful and beautiful human being). But it's just this damned category that makes me feel helpless.

This is where I am inspired. I am inspired to help, support, DO SOMETHING for these women. Women who may have already made the choice to end their ttc struggle and have stopped trying. Women who may still be trying to conceive, but have been doing so for years and years and may have said "no" to more treatments. Women who may still be trying to conceive after years and years and may already know they won't be moving on to treatments for whatever reason (money, religion, etc). I'm not making a distinction of hopelessness, but I am looking at a group of women who know where they are in their journey.

I want to do something for these women that I don't even know how to help, except give them a shoulder to cry on. Or an ear. But I want to do something concrete. You know the Infertility's Common Thread? Something like that, but of course, not that. Something tangible. Something substantive. Something that can be continued when anyone else runs into a woman fitting the definition. To show that woman she is someone special. She's not run of the mill. She fought a very long battle and may still be fighting it everyday. She may never stop fighting it.